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I am jocel, 19 years old living somewhere in borbon. I really don’t know myself, in a deeper level. Though there are things I know about myself, one is I do have short temper and I am aware that I really need to manage my anger issues. I can be angry and I am controlling myself from hurting others, so I’ll cry my anger out. I am a people pleaser too to the point that I have ruined myself trying to please everyone. I am a bit insecure, about my looks because I grew up in an environment where bullying is normal, calling me fat is a habit, and embarrassing me about my appearance is a daily work of my relatives. Behind those, I am also a loving one, I may look I’m not but I really am. I do love watching my people happy, helping people do the things that seems new to them. I am slowly grasping the thought of loving myself more, the way I love others because how can I love them fully if I can’t do it to myself? I am slowly healing from things, slowly moving forward and slowly getting back on track. That is me; strong, bold, independent. And oh, I loooove sunset.

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There are a lot of reasons why I should give up, but there is one reason for me to keep going, my family, — especially my mom. She just want a simple and comfortable life with us. A life where we never have to worry about financial, where we are from worrying about where to get enough money for daily needs and allowances. A comfortable yet simple life. Our situation right now gives me the courage to continue, and to keep going. My mom, I don’t want her to worry anymore, I don’t want to stress her anymore. Seeing her having a hard time gives me a hard time too. Out of all the reasons to give up, she’s my only hope. She keeps me going, she’s my daily dose of serotonin, she gives meaning to my life — she is my life. She always reminds me that no matter how hard life may seem, we could get through it. We may be suffering right now, but we will be in a comfortable life in the future — that’s what she always hope, and we, her daughters, will make it happen. It may seem so pressure, but seeing her speak with sparkling eyes, I feel the need to do it. I will continue, I will keep going and give them — her luxury life she never had before. That is how I love her, soooo much!

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Loneliness. My biggest fear was loneliness. Even with people, I still feel so lonely and lost. It’s like walking in a path with people but feeling like it’s not yours to take. Strolling somewhere with lots of people but feeling like your walking alone. I can’t stand being so lonely and alone, it’s so dark. One of my biggest fear is betrayal, I can stand the pain coming from the truth but I can’t stand being betrayed to while my heart was nothing but being pure. It was one of the most painful thing a person did to me, not only in a romantic relationship but in friendship and relatives. It left my sanity for days, asking what did I do wrong or do I really deserve to be treated like that. It shattered me into pieces that I am still slowly picking up every piece of me until now. One is losing my mother before I could even make her experience the life she deserves. I do love my father and I fear losing him too, but losing my mother will really break me. She has experienced and endured a lot, she may not say it but I can see it. My mother is strong, but behind that strong personality is a litter girl who wanted to a good life. I want to give it to her so bad. I was so scared saying that was my fear so I’ll just say it’s snake.🐍