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Plan A: Balancing commitment and flexibility in solo polyamory | SoloPoly

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Plan A: Balancing commitment and flexibility in solo polyamory | SoloPoly

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When people consider what qualifies an intimate relationship as "serious" or "significant," one of the most common themes is "commitment." That sounds so concrete, but it's a surprisingly slippery concept.

What can commitment look like in a relationship that's completely off the relationship escalator? Where partners are not heading toward enmeshing their lives, resources, and identities? Is commitment even necessary for a relationship to feel significant to the people involved? And do commitments always need to be a big deal, or intended to be permanent/indefinite?

There are many ways to do commitment. This is where solo poly relationships get hard for most people to understand.

As a solo poly person, I don't have (and don't want) a primary-style partner. I prefer to maintain substantial flexibility in my life, and I prioritize autonomy. Most of my commitments I have regarding relationships are commitments I've made to myself. I don't generally correlate the significance of my relationships with specific types of commitments. However, I'm also not opposed to making some clear commitments with my partners, when situations warrant. I just try to make sure these commitments meet a real need, and are open to renegotiation and adaptation.

Personally, I prefer to intimate relationships that are deeply emotionally invested and long-term, with lots of room to grow and evolve freely. That usually doesn't just pop out of thin air; it typically requires conscious effort. That's because the very nature of how I structure my relationships stands in stark opposition to most standard hallmarks of "commitment" - exclusivity, marriage, sharing a home/finances, presenting more as a couple than as an individual, etc. Such socially ingrained tokens can be hard for anyone to shake - even people with lots of poly experience.

Currently I'm in only one intimate relationship. It's fairly new, just a few months old. And of course, it's poly. In a short time we've developed a remarkably strong and wonderful mutual bond that appears to have staying power, and we intend to nurture it.

A big change is approaching us, soon. Sometime this summer, after his current work project concludes, my sweetie IO will switch from spending about half his time in my town, to mostly living on his rural mountain property about five hours away. OK, it's not Mars, but this move will make the logistics of our relationship more challenging. Spending time together is important to us both, and so far we've been lucky that it's been pretty easy to arrange.

This week I was feeling some anxiety about IO's upcoming relocation. In the last few years I've moved several times, and almost every time a move has coincided with a breakup.

We've known this change is coming, and we've discussed our mutual intent to keep seeing each other and otherwise connecting after his move. But the "how" of this we deliberately left hazy. We don't know how our lives will evolve, and we treasure our ability to be flexible with each other, and in general. We definitely don't want to control each other. We prefer connecting out of desire and willingness, not obligation and schedule.

I thought this vagueness would work for me; I was surprised when it didn't. My own personal baggage intervened. I've just had too many life experiences where people I cared deeply about dropped out of my life with no explanation or warning. Too often, total vagueness about future plans has prefaced such disappearances.

So yeah, abandonment issues? I have them. Welcome to the human race. Plus I feel shame about fearing abandonment, which makes it hard for me to ask for support. Since I tend to be highly self sufficient, I often chicken out by not asking for support or reassurance when I need it. Consequently, I may run a greater risk of losing relationships I value because I'm too scared or proud to request some structure to our connection when needed, even temporarily.

Last night I screwed together my courage and asked IO if we could collaborate on a "Plan A" for how often we'll aim to visit after he moves. Despite the pressure of my initial anxiety, it was a calm, easy discussion - reminding me of why I so value him.

Plan A: We agreed to try visiting in a pattern that should be comfortable and doable for us both: a long weekend together, approximately monthlyish (every 4-6 weeks). This should give us enough time together to feel like our connection is active and vital, without becoming a problem for either of us (nor, hopefully, for IO's wife Cora, who shares his mountain home). And we'll share, as much as possible, the effort and expense of travel.

These visits, plus our asynchronous online communication, should give IO and me enough connection to feel satisfied with (but not burdened or shortchanged by) our relationship, and give it room to grow and evolve.

We're calling our basic commitment "Plan A" because it's a starting point. We'll try it awhile and see how it works. We'll revisit it and adapt as needed. It's more about navigating a transition than locking down the future.

Having such a moderate but meaningful commitment, something we created together willingly, today has me feeling much calmer about IO's move. And that's the point: creating a little added sense of security when needed.

IO is rather different from me. He generally tends to be less concerned about distance, since he easily feels connected to people even when he's long out of contact with them. Still, he was happy to offer me emotional support through a minor commitment, in a way that's comfortable for him, sufficiently flexible and does not compromise his autonomy. He enjoys contributing to the well being of people he loves. And he really likes seeing me, too.

Plan A will undoubtedly evolve once IO moves. That's ok. Right from the moment we made it, this commitment began serving its purpose of providing me with some emotional security. This shows that a given commitment need not hold the same meaning or value to everyone involved - just that everyone should get some direct benefit from the commitment.

Yes, I know I'm fine no matter what happens with our relationship. I provide my own core stability, which is why I'm good at being solo. This particular commitment is not about avoiding risk in our relationship. Shit can - and will - still happen. Ultimately, Plan A may prove to be more about intent than reality, who knows. But intent matters, too.

We'll see how it works out.

This kind of situational, specific collaborative, near-term commitment works well for me. However, ongoing requirements such as always calling at a certain time, or always having dates on certain days, needing permission to date others, or anything resembling rules that might impinge on anyone's autonomy, would not work for me at all. I'm also personally not much for showy symbolism like big commitment ceremonies - although I do enjoy small, private gestures or tokens to commemorate a shared bond that exists.

That's just my take; your mileage may vary, of course.

If you're solo poly, or in a relationship with a solo poly person, what does commitment look like in your relationships? What form does it take, what purpose does it serve? Why is it meaningful to you? Do your commitments achieve their goals? Have they backfired or fizzled? Does this concept seem irrelevant to your relationships, or do you struggle with it? Please comment below.

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Plan A: Balancing commitment and flexibility in solo polyamory

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When people consider what qualifies an intimate relationship as "serious" or "significant," one of the most common themes is "commitment." That sounds so concrete, but it's a surprisingly slippery concept. What can commitment look like in a relationship that's completely off the relationship escalator? Where partners are not heading toward enmeshing their lives, resources, and...

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Poly + Long Distance + Romantic Friendship = ? | The Asexual Agenda

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Poly + Long Distance + Romantic Friendship = ? | The Asexual Agenda

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Poly + Long Distance + Romantic Friendship = ?

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This is a guest post by reader Eponine, who was inspired by recent discussions about relationships on this blog. Let me start off by introducing myself and the basics of my relationship: I'm a heteroromantic asexual (or maybe somewhat grey-A) female in a polyamorous relationship. My primary partner, G, is a sexual guy.

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The Long-Distance Relationship | The Polyamorous Misanthrope

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The Long-Distance Relationship | The Polyamorous Misanthrope

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Raise your hand if you've developed a friendship or a relationship online.

Betcha a doughnut that just about everyone reading this has had one.

This means a fair whack of you have had that weird beast in your life - the Long-Distance Relationship (LDR).

Communications and networking being what they are, we simply do see a lot of interaction conducted online over long distances. When romance gets thrown in, it can be a lot of fun or a big mess, depending on how you conduct it.

To ensure that it's fun, keep a few of these things in mind:
Texual communication has its limits.
Sure, you can feel close to someone through online communication. You can exchange your thoughts, feelings, secrets, inner desires, and all that. It's great. But the physical component does make a difference. Studies show that over half of our communication is non-verbal, so that missing component can be significant.

I recall some years ago finding the writing of someone a pain in the butt to deal with. All I could see was the text. I wound up meeting the person and dating him for a few years. When I could tie his writing to what I knew to be his vocal mannerisms and body language, I wound up interpreting texual communication very differently.

I've found this in myself as well. People who've met me in person are considerably more likely to see humor in my casual texual communication because they know the facial expressions that go along with certain modes of expression.

It's a human trait. Keep that in mind when you meet someone on the Internet.
Meetings are "vacation time". Do not mistake how fun they are with what living together would be like.

When you get together in meatspace with your LDR, it's a "special event". You're up, you're on, you're more likely to be glittering (or at least making an effort). This person does not get the dailyness of you.

There's nothing in the world wrong with enjoying that specialness. I find my visits with my FWB delightful because of the break in routine. We have a good time together - which, to me, is kinda the point. But, that vacation, that fun, that sense of adventure even when things are going All Wrong? Unless that is your natural state of being, ¹ it's not going to stick in any relationship where you're hanging out on a day to day basis. That sort of thing is more about who you are, not who you think you are in relation to someone else.
Don't let the LDR keep you from living in the present.
"Now" is all you have. Yes, yes, yes, spend time communicating with your long-distance loves. Don't drop the rest of your life in the face of it. The house still needs cleaning, you still need to make sure you're paying attention to the kids. Oh, yeah, that partner you're with... your local SO(s) needs attention, too. That life you had before the LDR? It's still there. But it won't be if you don't live it.

If you are planning to move closer to each other, don't put your life on hold until this becomes a reality. If you have goals and projects, for goodness' sake keep working on them in the meantime! You could get hit by a truck. The world could explode. Do you want your life to have been lived "on hold" because you were waiting for something exciting?
Enjoy it for exactly what it is.
There's a lot to be said for having a relationship where there are short bursts of intense fun. That's a good, real and valid thing to do. Fun counts. It counts for a lot! So, don't knock it or dismiss it as less "serious" or less "worthy"!

And remember everyone, the PolyWorks Fund Logo Contest is ending in a couple of weeks! Click on the link to find out more.

¹ And if it is, bless you for adding joy to the world!

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Raise your hand if you've developed a friendship or a relationship online. Betcha a doughnut that just about everyone reading this has had one. This means a fair whack of you have had that weird beast in your life - the Long-Distance Relationship (LDR).

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Poly Relationship: Handling the Distance - Life on the Swingset

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Poly Relationship: Handling the Distance - Life on the Swingset

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Long distance relationships suck. There's no two ways about it. Especially if you're someone like me, where physical affection is one of the major ways that you receive love. Not having someone to just reach out and touch, have a cuddle, or something more; it becomes draining after a while. But it has given me a unique perspective. Since I'm polyamorous, but I'm also in a long distance relationship, most of the time, I might as well be single.

Being "single yet not" comes with a slew of perks, as well as drawbacks. I don't have to plan around my significant other, barring the weekends or weekdays I spend with her. I control my plans, and my finances. I have the freedom, but I still have someone who is an amazing emotional support for me. I also feel like my dating options aren't restricted by the fact that I have a partner. Granted, I would still be honest with anyone I would date that I am in an open and long distance relationship, and that I have a very vested interest in maintaining said relationship. So far, the people I've been on dates with have really respected that, and my girlfriend.

However, it does have some drawbacks. Any new or potential relationship, especially a local one, causes my Bunny a little bit of stress, even though she's seen my dedication to her. Simply not being local to me when someone else is means that, no matter how hard I try, things could turn on their head pretty quickly. It does also seem like it would limit my dating pool a bit, as I would have to find someone who is cool with my existing relationship.

Thankfully, my local BDSM community, where I have been investing a lot of time growing my personal relationships, knows Bunny, and totally respect her and my relationship. Sadly, however, the dating pool is a little scarce there: the people I'm interested in dating aren't as interested in dating me. Which is fine. I've recently shifted from the "sprint" mentality in relationships to a bit more of a "marathon" mentality. And it has made a world of difference.

It's also eased a lot of stress from me and Bunny. Things are less "if", and more "when." Long-term isn't just feasible, but likely. And it really eases her into knowing that I'm in it for the long haul. In a way, I think the long distance has brought that out. Because I don't always get to see her, we really have to work to build our relationship, which just makes it feel more valuable, more invested. And our relationship is thriving, not just surviving. The time and distance puts things in an unusual perspective, a longer perspective. It makes handling the distance, both physical and temporal, much easier.

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Poly Relationship: Handling the Distance

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Long distance relationships suck. There's no two ways about it. Especially if you're someone like me, where physical affection is one of the major ways that you receive love. Not having someone to just reach out and touch, have a cuddle, or something more; it becomes draining after a while.

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Long distance relationships and polyamory | msrubyrouge

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Long distance relationships and polyamory | msrubyrouge

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Long distance relationships and polyamory

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In the era of internet dating, long distance relationships are becoming more and more commonplace. Add into the mix the fact that as a poly, kinky person, you're dating within a smaller pool of available people than most, and it becomes necessary to cast your net a little wider than your home city and surrounding...