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Five Criteria for Positive Discipline With Parenting Expert Dr. Jane Nelsen

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Five Criteria for Positive Discipline With Parenting Expert Dr. Jane Nelsen

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Five Criteria for Positive Discipline With Parenting Expert Dr. Jane Nelsen

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Five Criteria for Positive Discipline With Parenting Expert Dr. Jane Nelsen

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Using the chart what is one way punishment and discipline are different?

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How to respond when your child says they are bored.

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1. What happens when kids are chronically stressed?
2. Which sibling in the “spaghetti incident” was more effected by domestic violence?
3. How can you protect your child from toxic stress?

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First Impressions: Exposure to Violence and a Childs Developing Brain.mov

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1. What are the 3 steps in E- Parenting?
2. When would you apply this parenting tool!

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Handout: Our Family's Support Network Quilt

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Handout: Our Family's Support Network Quilt

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1. What Resource(s) do you plan to utilize in the future?

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Which brain do you want your child to have and why?

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1. How many brain connections are being made in response to the babies experiences out in the world?
2. What influences which brain connections take place and the strength of the connections?

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Brain Wonders - Zero To Three Magic of Everyday Moments

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This is "Brain Wonders - Zero To Three Magic of Everyday Moments" by ZEROTOTHREE on Vimeo, the home for high quality videos and the people who love them.

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:: Dolly Parton's Imagination Library ::

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Sign up to receive 1 free book a month for children 0-5 years old

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:: Dolly Parton's Imagination Library ::

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1. Give an example of positive stress.
2. Give an example of toxic Stress.

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Free Programs for children 0-5
1. Name 2 community Resources that the Sutter County Children and Families Commission offer for Children and Families in Sutter County?
2. How can you access the ASQ and what is it for?

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Sutter Strong - Sutter County Children & Families Commission

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1. Describe something you learned in the video.

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Video: The importance of reading to your child

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Video: The importance of reading to your child

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1. T/F The more words children hear and come to understand, the more words they can say and the better their vocabulary and reading skills are likely to be.
2. How many words do children know when they reach age 4, if the child constantly is hearing words?

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1. What can Babies already do/know at birth?
2. How can you keep babies interested?
3. What development happens in the first 12 months?

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Sutter Kids Community Resources by findhelp - Search and Connect to Social Care

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1. Name one Sutter County community resource he found using findhelp?

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Search and connect to support. Financial assistance, food pantries, medical care, and other free or reduced-cost help starts here:

If you or someone you know is in crisis, call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, chat with them online via their website, or text HOME to 741741 (multiple languages available). If this is an emergency, call 911.

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Sutter Kids Community Resources by findhelp - Search and Connect to Social Care

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Find social services that serve your area, anywhere in the US

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Children don’t think like adults

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b What You can do to Reduce your Childs Exposure

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Handout: How to Protect Your Child From Toxic Stress

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Handout: How to Protect Your Child From Toxic Stress

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1. What are some physical signs your body gives went under stress?
2. What is a calming techniques you can do when stressed?

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Nadine Burke Harris: How childhood trauma affects health across a lifetime

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Video: Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACES) 

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Video: Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACES) 

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Describe something you learned in the video

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How childhood trauma affects health across a lifetime

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Childhood trauma isn’t something you just get over as you grow up. Pediatrician Nadine Burke Harris explains that the repeated stress of abuse, neglect and parents struggling with mental health or substance abuse issues has real, tangible effects on the development of the brain. This unfolds across a lifetime, to the point where those who’ve experienced high levels of trauma are at triple the risk for heart disease and lung cancer. An impassioned plea for pediatric medicine to confront the prevention and treatment of trauma, head-on.

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1.  What part of the brain helps us develop self control? At what age does it start to develop?

2. T/F Harsh discipline can lead to children developing behaviors such as aggression, delinquency, and hyperactivity later in life.

3. What should you do when your child comes defiant or has a tantrum?

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1. Describe something you learned about PDA.

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Positive Encouragement During a Melt Down 

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Positive Encouragement During a Melt Down 

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Describe something you learned about using the word No frequently.

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1. Describe something you learned in the video

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1. How does Jane Nelson describe kind and firm?

2. What are the 4 goals of misbehavior?

3. T/F Punishment gives a child a sense of belonging and significance.

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Five Criteria for Positive Discipline With Parenting Expert Dr. Jane Nelsen

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How Monopoly Would Be Played During Each Stage of Development: 

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How Monopoly Would Be Played During Each Stage of Development: 

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Using the chart below which statement doesn’t fit the 5 criteria?

1. You tell your child it’s time to pick up their toys and they say “no” they want to go outside. You say, “cleaning up is hard, you can pick up the action figures or blocks first? You decide.”

2. You tell your child to clean up their toys and they say “no” they want to go outside. You tell them they better pick up the toys or they are going in the trash!

3. You tell your child to clean up their toys and they say “no” they want to go outside. You tell them first pick up the toys then we can go outside.

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Complete this Ages and Stages (ASQ) screening to provide a quick look at how your child is doing in important areas, such as communication, physical ability, social skills, and problem-solving skills.ASQ-3 can help identify your child’s strengths as well as any areas where your child may need support.

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Sutter County Children & Families Commission
(530)822-7505
1531-A Butte House Road
Yuba City, CA 95993
www.sutterkids.org

You have been invited to complete an ASQ Online screening. Please click on one of the links below to complete your screening.

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Sutter County Children & Families Commission(530)822-75051531-A Butte House RoadYuba City, CA 95993 www.sutterkids.org You have been invited to complete an ASQ Online screening. Please click on one of the links below to complete your screening.

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Children are learning all the time. Parents will find this booklet helpful with great activities to share with their children. The booklet contains fun activities for parents and children to do together at home, away from home, indoors, and outdoors.

Introduction

Welcome to Fun and Learning for Parents and Children! This booklet contains fun activities for you and your children. It is a collection of things to do that can be part of your family's everyday life in each room of your home, outdoors, and away from home. Just because an activity is described in one room of your home does not mean that it could not be done somewhere else. Many of the ideas in this booklet might be routines you are doing already. If there are some new ideas, we hope you will use them. The more you enjoy playing with your children, the more they may be able to learn. Your children's abilities to learn many skills in the early years will depend on their stages of development and their individual interests. In addition, their learning will depend on the opportunities and support that the family offers them at home and in their surroundings. Here are a few helpful hints to assist you in planning and doing the activities with your children.

Establish some rules with your children and be consistent about enforcing them. Set limits and be prepared to have them tested!

Use eye contact and reasoning to relate positively to your children.

Give detailed explanations to questions and explain the meanings of new words when you're playing with young children.

Assigning a few simple household chores helps your children learn to follow directions.

Outdoor activities will give your children a chance to use some energy and stay healthy!

It is also important to praise your children for their positive behaviors and let them know they are loved.

Children are learning all the time, especially when they are playing. Learning for children is fun. Learning and playing with your children can also be fun for you. You will find that your child is curious and eager to talk and play with you.

We hope you will find this booklet helpful and that you will share these activities often with your children. To help you think about the activities, we've included some questions at the end of this booklet.

Together-Time Activities

In a Kitchen

In the kitchen, you and your children can do many things together: put away groceries, prepare meals and snacks, set the table. Every family member can have a job to do! Your children will feel good about their successes as they use their large and small muscles and look for shapes and colors. Be sure the kitchen is a safe place. Keep sharp objects out of reach. Remind your children about family rules in the kitchen.

Help your children become aware of differences in foods.

Look for shapes or colors around the kitchen in and on the cabinets, refrigerator and stove.

Ask your children to find circles, triangles, or squares.

Play the game, "I see something you don't see and the color (or the shape) IS... " Your children can name the items or foods that are in the kitchen and that fit the description until they get to the item you have in mind.

Set the table with your children.

Ask your children to make sure there is one plate, one glass, and so on, for each person.

Talk about how to handle the dishes and silverware, so they stay clean and unbroken.

Involve your children in meal preparation.

All family members preparing food need to wash their hands before handling food.

Measure with cups, tablespoons, and teaspoons. Ask your children to guess how many tablespoons make a cup of water. Then, help them check it out!

Let your children pour water with spoons, cups, and pitchers.

Involve your children in making part of a meal or a snack.

Talk about opposites big and small, hard and soft.

Sort and name foods after a trip to the grocery store.

Let your children name each food, or ask them to tell you something about each food, as you take it out of the bag.

As you sort the groceries, ask your children to put together all the foods that are the same: fresh vegetables in one place, boxes in another place.

Talk with your children about the sizes of cans as you put them away-tall and short, wide and narrow.

Name kitchen appliances and their uses.

Ask your children what the toaster is for, what the oven does. Give safety tips for the use of each appliance, and talk about who can turn them on and off.

Ask about other ways to toast bread, heat the leftovers. The answers might be very creative!

Let your children help clean up the kitchen.

Ask them to sort eating and cooking utensils by type or use.

Let them wipe the table after meals. Encourage them to wipe the table from left to right and collect all the crumbs in one corner.

In a Living Room

The living room can be the place for both quiet and noisy activities. Your children will develop their social skills by learning how to be by themselves or how to be a part of the family group. Tell your child which items in the room are on the "Do Not Touch" list. These are activities to build both large and small muscles. The living room is a busy place!

Talk about sounds.

Talk about:

Develop your children's big muscles.

Read to your children each day.

Talk about what it means to be a family member.

Let your children know that they are an important part of the family.

Give your children a place to store their special treasures.

Find a place to display your children's "work," such as hanging their artwork on the wall or a door.

In a Bedroom

The bedroom can be a special place to play alone or to share some special, private time with your child. You and your children can read stories and talk about almost anything! Your children will learn a lot of self-help skills in the bedroom. They will be very proud of their new abilities.

Read to your children daily.

Let your children know that books are special.

Make a library shelf or book area with your children.

Use different print materials often: borrowing from the library, making homemade books, and looking at junk mail, greeting cards, newspapers, or magazines.

Talk about clothing.

Have special places for storage.

Help children put toys away by shape or color, or by use for drawing, for building, for cuddling, for pushing.

Encourage your children to think, imagine, and be creative.

Ask questions that have many answers, rather than questions that have right or wrong answers, such as "Where do you think birds sleep? How do you think a rainbow gets in the sky? Where do you think the water goes after it goes down the drain?"

Ask your children to act out a story you've read to them.

Sort and match clothes.

In a Bathroom

The bathroom is a great place for children to learn hygiene and practice using their muscles by brushing their teeth and combing their hair. While they're taking a bath, they can learn math and science concepts, such as sinking and floating, full and empty. Safety tip: Always stay with your children when they're in the bathroom! Put red duct tape on all hot water faucets for safety.

Use mirrors to name body parts.

Make faces in the mirror with your children-move your tongue, make a kiss, wiggle your nose.

Talk with your children about all of the things they can do with their eyes-blink, stare, wink.

Look for ways to use different senses in the bathroom.

Feel and talk about different textures-- soft cotton, hard soap, smooth wall, slippery sink.

Smell different things-toothpaste, soap.

Let your children play with different things while taking a bath.

Help your children collect and save things to play with in the bathtub, such as plastic containers, sponges, cartons, and corks.

Help your children notice which things sink and float.

Practice helping skills with your children.

Encourage your children to wash their hands and face, brush their teeth, and comb their hair.

Talk about health and hygiene such as why we wash our hands and face, brush our teeth.

Practice health and safety habits in the bathroom with your children.

Talk with your children about how it feels to "grow."

Hang a growth chart on a door and keep track of their height and weight. Show them how they are growing.

Ask them what they can do now that they couldn't do when they were younger and smaller.

Talk with your children about opposites in the bathtub.

Encourage them to pour water into and out of containers, making them full, making them empty.

Discover things that are hard and soft, warm and cold, wet and dry.

In the Surprise Drawer

Every family probably has a surprise drawer-the one drawer where all the odds and ends are put. When the surprise drawer is for children, it should be in a safe and accessible location, such as a bottom drawer. This drawer (or a surprise box) can be a treasure chest! It can be a special treat for a rainy day. Make sure all the items are safe before you give them to your children.

Explore the surprise drawer.

Play guessing games with things from the surprise drawer.

Hide things in your hands ("What do you think I'm holding in my right hand?").

Let your children guess amounts ("Will all these corks fit in the cup, or will we need the large bowl?").

Talk about the contents.

Create a surprise. Is there anything your children can make from any items in the drawer?

Remember pick-up time!

Using margarine tubs or other small containers, ask your children to clean out, sort, and put back the contents of the drawer.

If your children are preschoolers, let them add to the collections from "junk" you don't want anymore.

Outside the Home

The outdoors! Children should go outdoors every day for exercise, fresh air, and fun. You and your children will have greater freedom outdoors to jump, hop, swing, look, and listen. Let your children make noise! Remind them about any rules you have for playing outside.

Talk about all the things you and your children see in the sky, near the house or apartment

Help your children find animals and insects.

Tell your children the names of the animals and insects they see and hear.

Ask your children where they think the animals live, how the insects build their homes, where they get their food.

Help your children dig and plant a garden.

Look up toward the sky at different times of the day with your children.

Talk about the ways that trees bend and what the clouds look like.

Look for changes over time-how are the leaves different in the fall from the spring? Are there more or less birds in the sky now than there were last month?

Listen for sounds outside.

Ask your children to talk about the sounds they hear and where they might be coming from.

Ask them to name sounds that are the same as inside sounds, different from inside sounds.

Encourage your children to describe all the things they feel or experience.

Exploring Your Community

There are many fun places to go in your community. Before you take a trip, talk with your children about what you will see and do. Name the things and people you will look for, such as flowers, animals, fire fighters, or bus riders in the place you are visiting. Talk with your children about your safety rules so that the trip will be pleasant and safe, such as "I want you to hold my hand."

To a park

To the library

To the fire station

To the train and/or bus station

To the grocery store

To the laundromat

To a festival and other community event

On a scavenger hunt

Things You Can Do After the Trip

Talk with your children about what you saw, heard, touched, or smelled.

Make a booklet about the trip with your children. Have them tell you a story about the trip as you write it down.

If you take pictures during the trip, put them in a booklet you make or in a photo album.

Ask your children to add pictures to a "trip book." Let them cut pictures from magazines of things they saw on their trip.

Make a collage with your children. Use things found during your walk-moss, stones, leaves.

Get books from the library about where you went.

Things to Think About

Were the activities you selected fun for you and your family? As you do the activities, they will encourage and help children to learn. They should be fun and offer opportunities for your family to spend meaningful time together. As you remember these activities and plan for the future with your children, it might help you to think about the following:

Did your children enjoy the activity?

Which activity did your children enjoy the most? The least?

Which child enjoyed which activity? Why do you think that's so?

Which activity seemed too hard? How could you make it easier so that your children can succeed?

Which activity seemed to be too easy? How could you make it harder so that your children have a challenge?

Which activity was "just right?" When can you do it again?

How can you stretch your children's imaginations when you do this or a similar activity?

What did you learn about your children?

Ask your children to respond to "What...If" questions related to the activity, such as "What would you have to eat if you lived on the moon?" Or, "What would you do if you worked in this place?"

What activity can you plan to give your child time to play quietly by himself or herself? Will it help to develop his or her creativity?

How did you praise your children for trying a new activity and for their positive behaviors? What other ways can you use to encourage them?

What other ideas do you have? What ideas can your children suggest?

Illustrations Copyright © 1992 by Joseph Azar

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Fun and Learning for Parents and Children: An Activities Handbook | ECLKC

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Children are learning all the time. Explore this resource booklet that contains fun activities for parents and children to do together at home, away from home, indoors, and outdoors.

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Fathers contribute so much to a child’s development. Read this article for a closer look.

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What dads do or don't do impacts their child.

Dr. Warren Farrell, psychologist and author of Father and Child Reunion, was intrigued with why children with active fathers do so well. In an attempt to better understand it, he spent more than a decade analyzing worldwide research.

"I knew when I started this research that dads were important, but I had no idea how important," says Farrell. "We are 100 percent certain that children do better in 26 different areas when they grow up in intact families. Children clearly pay a price when their fathers walk away or mothers keep dads away."

A father's impact starts at birth. For example, boys who have contact with their father show greater levels of trust at only 5 or 6 months. A study of black infants found the more interaction the boy had with the father, the higher his mental competence and psychomotor function by the age of 6 months.

As children grow, fathers teach children to have empathy. Dads are usually more firm about enforcing boundaries. Teaching children to take boundaries seriously teaches them to respect the needs and rights of others.

"Fathers also play a huge role in teaching delayed gratification, the single most important highway to maturity," Farrell says. "When children are allowed to do something without having to do anything to get there, it undermines this process."

Children with fathers present in the home do better academically, especially in math and science. This is true even if they come from weaker schools. A study by two Harvard researchers found that even when race, education, poverty and similar socioeconomic factors are equal, living without a dad doubled a child's chance of dropping out of school.

Another study of boys with similar backgrounds found that by the third grade, boys with present fathers scored higher on every achievement test. They also received higher grades. The more years children spend with single mothers, the fewer years of school they complete.

"When fathers are present, children have better mental health," Farrell says. "They are more likely to get along well with other children, sleep well at night, be trusting of others, and are less likely to be aggressive or participate in risky behavior."
The National Center for Health Statistics reports that:

A child living with his/her divorced mother, compared to a child living with both parents, is 375 percent more likely to need professional treatment for emotional or behavioral problems;

Ninety percent of homeless or runaway children are from fatherless homes; and

Most gang members come from mother-only households.

"Growing up in an intact family gives children a jump-start in life," Farrell says. "If a divorce is unavoidable, there are three absolute essentials to give children:

Equal amounts of time spent with both parents;

The mother and father should live close enough (no more than 15 minutes) that the child doesn't have to give up friends or activities to see the other parent; and,

The child is not able to overhear or detect bad-mouthing of the other parent.

If these three things happen, children tend to grow up almost as well as children in intact families."

It's very helpful if we understand that what dads do or don't do really matters. Moreover, the way mothers handle it impacts their child's life forever.
Looking for more? Check out this episode of JulieB TV on this topic!

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What dads do or don't do impacts their child. Dr. Warren Farrell, psychologist and author of Father and Child Reunion , was intrigued with why children with active fathers do so well. In an attempt to better understand it, he spent more than a decade analyzing worldwide research.

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1. What have you noticed about your child’s temperament ?
2. Is your child’s temperament similar to the to anyone else in your family?

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Sutter County Children & Families Commission

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1. Do we chose our own temperament styles?
2. Name 3 Temperament Traits?
3. Why is tuning into your child's temperament so important?

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Temperament Chart: Use this to help answer the questions in the quiz. 

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Temperament Chart: Use this to help answer the questions in the quiz. 

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Temperament Quiz link: Take this short quiz to compare your own temperament with your child.  

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Temperament Quiz link: Take this short quiz to compare your own temperament with your child.  

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1. In what areas of temperament were you the same/different?
2. What are some "Goodness of Fit" strategies did they suggest at the end of the quiz?

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Protective Shield Demo: The Importance of Creating an Emotional Shield For Your Child

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Protective Shield Demo: The Importance of Creating an Emotional Shield For Your Child

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1. Describe something you learned from the video.

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1. How does the child respond when the mother doesn't engage with the child?
2.What are some examples of ways we might "still Face" our child?
3. What is the ugly Dr. Ed Tronick describes in the video?

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Humans are born ready for connection. The way we are parented has long term and ongoing effects on our functioning. The effects of our early life can trigger a cascade of changes genetically, cognitively, socially, and physically which can have either positive or negative lifelong consequences. The 'still face' experiment is a powerful study which shows our need for connection from very early in life. This experiment was developed by Dr Ed Tronick in the 1970's. The still face experiment gives an insight into how a parent's reactions can affect the emotional development of a baby. Early in our lives we were learning about other people's reactions and how our behaviour can affect others. This experiment gives us insight into what it is like when connection does not occur.
Baby's reaction to the still face experiment.
This experiment involves a baby and parent (in this case the mother) sitting facing each other. The mother starts by playing with her baby, smiling at them, and talking to them. The mother then turns away. The next step is that the mother shows a still face or a lack of responsiveness to her baby for 2 mins. After the still face portion of the experiment there is a repair when the mother returns to normal and returns to playing with and talking to her baby. The interesting part of this experiment is not the actions of the mother but rather the reaction of her baby. You start by seeing a smiling happy baby who is engaging with her mother. The baby is making movements and sounds to communicate with her mother and responding to her mother's interactions with her.

Once the still face portion of the experiment begins the baby at first looks confused. She attempts to use all of her abilities to initiate a response from her mother. Babies are limited in the types of sounds and movements they can do, and you see the baby in this video using a range of ways to try to get her mother's attention. She looks around the room, she tries smiling, then pointing. As her attempts to connect continue to be ignored by her mother you see her start to show distress and frustration. She begins crying and then screeching. Babies in this experiment often loose postural control. Their central nervous system become so overwhelmed that they physically collapse. This baby also bites her own hand which may be an attempt at self-comfort. This baby dissolves emotionally and it can be uncomfortable to watch her distress. Towards the end of the experiment the baby becomes withdrawn and hopeless no longer attempting to get her mother's attention.

After the still face portion of the experiment when the mother returns to interacting with the baby. You can see the joyfulness of the reunion and the relief is clear. The baby is quickly able to regulate its emotions once the mother is present again and play resumes easily. The still face is an example of the common everyday occurrences which all parents experience where they need to finish cooking dinner or attend to another child. Having a non-responsive parent is not a problem if it occurs in short doses, however if it occurs over longer periods it can have a detrimental impact on the baby's development.

Dads you are just as important
This video demonstrates that babies react just as strongly to their fathers 'still face'. Babies demonstrate the same behaviours seeking connection to their father as they do with their mothers. Fathers are often left out in this type of research and it is important that fathers understand how important they are in their child's life.

What about romantic relationships?
This video uses actors, but this is not an uncommon scenario in couples' therapy. You can see that one partner shows less emotional reaction and connection. You can see that the wife is using similar behaviours to those displayed by the babies in the previous clips to get a reaction from her husband. She is desperately attempting to engage with him emotionally.

So, what does the 'still face' experiment show?
The 'still face' demonstrates how vulnerable we all are to the emotional or non-emotional reactions of the people they are close to. It demonstrates how babies who are just learning about their relational world try to achieve connection. Babies were once thought to be unable to understand emotions. However, in this experiment they have a clear reaction to a lack of emotional connection from their mothers and fathers. Even very young babies have demonstrated that they can respond to emotions of the adults who care for them. Not only are babies able to passively respond to adult interactions but babies are also actively engaging and shaping social interaction with the adults in their lives.

In this scenario, a pattern has been discerned with regard to a number of common stages and reactions. These occur in humans of all ages who are seeking emotional connection. The first stage is the reach which is generally a physical movement of arms out. The second stage the protest is an attempt to engage the other person with emotion to obtain a reaction. The third stage is the turn away when the baby is so overwhelmed trying to get a reaction, they will look around the room or turn away from the parent. The fourth stage involves a final effort to get a connection and usually involves visible distress. This occurs because the baby is so dysregulated and desperate for connection, they use the only means they have of communicating which usually involves crying. The final stage involves the baby ceasing to attempt to get an emotional reaction from the parent. In a healthy relationship there is a reconnection as shown in the videos and this leads to the ability to repair the hurt that has occurred in the relationship.

What if the 'still face' occurs over a long period?
There are many reasons a parent may struggle to be emotionally present with their children. Some parents have head injuries or illnesses which make it difficult to show appropriate emotional reactions. For parents in situations where there is domestic violence it can be difficult to show emotions. Drug and alcohol use can also impact emotional availability and both intoxication and the resulting hangover can blunt emotional expression. Parents experiencing severe depression or other mental illness may also struggle to engage with their child. Phones have also become a major part of our lives and it is not uncommon to see parents disconnecting from their children while using their phone. If you had a parent who was not responsive you may struggle yourself and repeat this behaviour with your own children. What is life like for babies whom experience the two minutes of still face for long periods of time? Research has shown that children who have parents who are not responsive to their needs have more trouble trusting others, relating to others, and regulating their emotions.
Questions to ask yourself:

Do you struggle at times to show your emotions?

Do you feel shut down?

Do you have people in your life who tell you they want to see more of an emotional reaction from you?

Were there emotions that were unacceptable to show in your household when you were a child?

Do you find it challenging to understand your child's needs?

Are you so exhausted or overwhelmed with life that you find it difficult to smile or talk to others?

If you are a parent struggling to connect with your child or there is something preventing you from being responsive to your child's emotional needs seeing a PsychHelp Psychologist can help. Learning to understand your child's emotional reactions and needs can help you to connect with your child. If you had a parent who experienced problems connecting with you this can have ongoing impacts on your mental health and general wellbeing. Seeing a PsychHelp Psychologist can give you new insights into what you needed as a baby and help you to identify ways to have these needs met as an adult.

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What does the 'still face' experiment teach us about connection? - PsychHelp

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Humans are born ready for connection. The way we are parented has long term and ongoing effects on our functioning. The effects of our early life can trigger a cascade of changes genetically, cognitively, socially, and physically which can have either positive or negative lifelong consequences.

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1. What is responsive care?
2. What do children learn when parents meet their needs?

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If you're like most parents you have an image of the kind of person you want your child to grow up to be - successful, smart, kind, thoughtful, a good friend.

Parents play a large role in making this happen.

Research shows that the key is responsive care: the process of watching and tuning into your child's cues and thinking about what his behavior might mean and responding in a sensitive way.
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Responsive Care: Nurturing a Strong Attachment Through Everyday Moments

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If you're like most parents you have an image of the kind of person you want your child to grow up to be - successful, smart, kind, thoughtful, a good friend. Parents play a large role in making this happen.

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30 Games to Nurture Healthy Attachment with Your Child

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30 Games to Nurture Healthy Attachment with Your Child

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What are some activities you can do to build attachment?

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If you are a parent of an at-risk child, it can be difficult to build a healthy and nurturing relationship with your child who may seem uncomfortable and not easily trust you. Do not be discouraged. Many parents, especially foster and adoptive parents, have this problem, and strategies based on the concept of play can help you moving forward.

What are the benefits of play?

Play with parents helps children learn trust, self-regulation, self-esteem, and improves their ability to have fun and experience joy in their attachment relationships. Play becomes an important part of nurturing attachment between adults and children-and among all family members.

Purposeful play focuses on building attachment by attending to needs, creating safety, allowing exploration, and providing attunement to the child's feelings and experiences. Having a scheduled time for play that focuses on these benefits is helpful along with having time for family fun and recreation. Eating together during playtime is also a nurturing experience.

During times of play, maintaining eye contact, initiating physical touch and verbalizing words of encouragement enhance the experience. Games that facilitate attachment involve the following elements: taking turns, encouraging physical touch, copying each other, following the leader, sharing feelings, and building skills. Parents can adapt games to suit their child's particular needs.

It is important to be attentive to your child's experiences. If your child has a history of trauma, you should be aware that "nurturing" activities that incorporate eye contact and touch, could trigger uncomfortable feelings.

To alleviate these triggers, you should invite your child to participate, while allowing your child to lead and be free to say no to something that is uncomfortable. If there is distress, it is helpful to stop, talk, soothe and move to a different activity. With invitations to participate over time, your child should feel more comfortable, trusting and safe.

You may have some creative ideas for games, but here are a few suggestions to start. (Some of these activities are taken from the Theraplay® model):

1. Caring of Hurts: Ask your child if there are any "hurts" that need band-aids or lotion or simply blow on the hurt. These can include physical scratches or scrapes, or emotional hurts (a child was teased today at school). Attend to these hurts with empathy.

2. Feeding: Have a small snack and drink available. Sit your child comfortably against pillows facing you or on your lap. Feed your child, listen for crunches, and notice whether your child likes the snack or is ready for more. Encourage eye contact.

3. Butterfly Kisses: Do a combination of different kinds of kisses- butterfly technique is with your eye lashes fluttering against your child's cheek.

4. Cotton Ball Soothe: Lay your child down with her head on a pillow or on your lap, close her eyes while you gently touch her with a cotton ball around her facial features, commenting on her uniqueness.

5. Say Nice Things: Look directly into your child's eyes and state several positive attributes.

6. Features in Mirror: You and your child look in the mirror as you point out his special features.

7. The "I Remember When" Story: You can tell a story about your child. This can accompany a feeding activity. Allow your child to listen while eating, and within proximity of each other. The content can be funny or poignant but is often most effective if it describes a time when your child accomplished some new developmental milestone, or a time when you helped meet his needs.

8. Wiggly Parts/Stiff Parts: This is an inventory activity as you find which body parts of your child are wiggly or stiff. "I wonder if your nose wiggles" "What about your ears?" "What about your tongue?" etc.

9. Beanbag Game: This is a great activity for bolstering structure and engagement in a fun way. Place a beanbag on your child's head and pick a cue word, for example, "wiggle," that is shared with your child. You can say a couple of other words beginning with "w" while making eye contact with your child. When you say the cue word, she should drop her head and catch the beanbag in her hands. Your child's ability to wait, listen carefully, and drop the beanbag at exactly the right time is celebrated. Cues can move from verbal to non-verbal as your child's skills in reading caregivers improve.

10. Clap Patterns: Make different clapping sounds with your hands starting with a simple sequence of claps and allow your child to copy it. Everyone can take a turn leading the clap patterns.

11. Hand, Foot, or Body Outline: Lay your child on her back on a large piece of paper and outline her body with a felt pen. Later, everyone fills out physical features while commenting positively- i.e., "black shiny hair, rosy cheeks, strong arms, etc."

12. Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes: Sing this song while pointing to your child's body parts when they are named: "Head and shoulders, knees and toes, Knees and toes, knees and toes, Head and shoulders, knees and toes. Eyes, ears, mouth and nose."

13. Mirroring: You and your child are seated or in a standing position while facing each other as both of you have your hands raised in front with palms facing, but not touching each other. You begin to move your hands slowly as your child's hands must shadow (mirror) your movements.

14. "Peanut Butter", "Jelly": You say "peanut butter" and your child responds "jelly," while copying your vocal inflection (loud, soft, fast, slow, etc.). Then your child can do the same for you.

15. The Dyadic Dance: You and your child are standing and facing each other while holding hands. Use facial gestures and body movements (a wink of the right eye, a nod of the head) to tell your child to move one step to the right or to the left. You and your child must make good eye contact for this game to be successful and the roles of leader and follower can switch throughout.

16. Balloon between Two Bodies: Hold a balloon between you and your child (such as between hips, legs, foreheads, elbows) and move across the room without dropping or popping the balloon. You can make this more challenging by returning to your start position going backwards.

17. Balloon Tennis: Hit a balloon back and forth with your child while trying to keep it in the air. You can make this more challenging by seeing if you can hit it back and forth a specific number of times and by increasing the number of volleys if you are successful.

18. Bubble Catch: Have your child try and catch as many bubbles as possible before they reach the floor. For an added challenge, have your child use only one body part or get "linked" (holding hands, linked elbows) to another person to catch the bubbles.

19. Feather Blow: Both of you each hold a piece of construction paper (or a pillow) in front. Blow a feather from your paper (pillow) to your child's. Your child must catch the feather on the paper (pillow) and then blow it back. If you have an older child, more than one feather can be used for an added challenge.

20. Feather Guess/Cotton Ball Guess: Your child closes his eyes. You lightly touch different parts of your child's body with a feather or cotton ball. Your child tells you which part of her body you are touching.

21. Magic Carpet Ride: Your child sits on a blanket on the floor while you pull her around the room at different speeds, alternating directions by going forward, in circles or zig zags.

22. Mountain of Bubbles: Use a large plastic bowl or basin. Fill the bowl about two-thirds with water. Add several squirts of dish soap. Each family member has a straw. On a signal, challenge them to make a "mountain of bubbles." They can also "blow the mountain down" by gently blowing air at the suds.

23. Ping Pong Ball Blow: Everyone lays on their stomachs facing inwards in a circle or facing each other if there are only two people. A ping-pong ball is placed in the center and each person tries to blow it away from themself and toward the other person. Holding hands helps to form boundaries for the ping-pong ball.

24. Pop the Bubbles: Blow a bubble and have your child pop it with a particular body part, such as a finger, elbow, and toe or by clapping.

25. Toilet Paper Bust-Out: Wrap toilet paper around your child's arms and body several times and then delight in her strength as she busts free from the wrapping when a cue word is given.

26. Wheelbarrow: Lift and hold up your child's legs while he braces himself on his arms with his head up. Have him move forward by "walking" with his hands.

27. Dancing In: Have your child stand on your feet while you support your child with one arm around her back, holding her other hand in dancing form while singing a song, i.e., "The more we dance together, together, together, the more we dance together, the happier we'll be." Or make up a song with your child's name in it.

28. Mirror, Mirror on the Wall: Face your child as both of you stand. Move your arms slowly and have him copy this movement as if you are mirror images of each other. This is an especially fun activity to do with facial gestures.

29. Popcorn Blanket: Place a small blanket on the floor and tell your child it is a pan to make popcorn. Then add several "popcorns" (pom-poms or cotton balls) to the pan. Have your child hold onto two corners of the blanket while you hold onto the other corners. As the pan "heats up," use the blanket to make the popcorn "pop."

30. Push Me over, Pull Me up: Sit on the floor in front of your child. Place her palms against yours. On a signal, such as a word or eye blink, have her push you over. Fall back in an exaggerated way. Stretch out your hands so she can pull you back up.

Remember, purposeful play should always enhance a sense of safety and trust for a child. As trust grows, it may be appropriate to invite your child to try an activity even if hesitant. For reassurance, you can ask her, "Should we try this game again?" "If we touch this way, will that feel safer?" "How can we change the game to make it better?" "Let's do something else, what would you like to do?" or state "We can try this another time." By utilizing these strategies, you will eventually increase your child's comfort level and gain your child's trust through fun interactions and healthier attachment.

Wendy Witham, LMFT, is a therapist in private practice for 30 years who has worked with teens, adults and families around a variety of concerns. As a single adoptive parent with a grown daughter, Wendy is a longtime member of our Help One Child family network.

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30 Games to Nurture Healthy Attachment with Your Child | Help One Child

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If you are a parent of an at-risk child, it can be difficult to build a healthy and nurturing relationship with your child who may seem uncomfortable and not easily trust you. Do not be discouraged. Many parents, especially foster and adoptive parents, have this problem, and strategies based on the concept of play can help you moving forward.

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Extended information about bonding and attachment

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"We seem to be living in the 'Age of Attachment,'" writes psychologist Jean Mercer, author of Understanding Attachment: Parenting, Child Care, and Emotional Development. Mercer is surprised how often the term "attachment" comes up in discussions about baby-and-parent bonding. Yet surprisingly few people really understand this critical concept, and how it changes over time. "It is the development of attachment that makes a baby a real human being and prepares him or her to take his or her rightful place among other humans," says Mercer. "My experience as a daughter, a mother, and a grandmother is that once understood, the idea of attachment is of enormous help in understanding family love and relationships."

The editors of Scholastic's Parent & Child talked to Mercer about the importance of attachment in the early years of life, and to find out how the transformation from infant to adult happens and what you can do as a parent to make your relationship grow stronger.

Parent & Child: Parents see and hear the word "attachment" a lot - but what does it really mean?
Mercer: Attachment describes the gradual, evolving changes in a child's feelings toward her parent or other significant caregiver - and shouldn't be confused with bonding, which is the process by which the parent falls in love with the child after birth or adoption. When we say a child is attached, we're saying she has developed a strong preference for the most important adult or adults in her life. Unlike bonding, attachment doesn't happen in the first weeks or months of a child's life. In fact, a baby under 6 months of age will not have a preference for any particular adult, as long as she's being well cared for.

P&C: What happens at 6 months?
Mercer: The baby becomes increasingly interested in social play and interaction. You've seen it: The baby adores back-and-forth games like peek-a-boo, or any interaction that's predictable, repetitive, and familiar. Those who spend the most time with the baby - typically mom and dad, or a close relative or care provider - get to know what games he likes best, and play these over and over with him. That's why the baby becomes attached to those people - they're the ones who provide him with the sort of social interaction he prefers.

A bit later, at about the 7- to 9-month mark, you see signs of the first stage of attachment behavior, when separation anxiety kicks in. The very reason a baby feels separation or stranger anxiety is because he's developed an attachment to his primary caregiver. So much so, that when that person is out of sight, the baby feels the pain of separation. From this point on, attachment grows in stages, and at each stage the child gains a greater understanding of how humans interact and what trust is.

P&C: When is the next big stage?
Mercer: At around the 15- to 18-month mark, the child exhibits what's called "secure-base behavior." If you have ever had a young toddler, you may recall the times you took your child to an unfamiliar place. You may have noticed that for a while she wanted to stay quite close to you, either in your lap or at least touching you. The child is wary, but still wants to explore. So she uses you as her "secure base." After a while, she ventures out, but she keeps coming back to check in. She may climb into your lap, or she may just need to touch you. Still later, she may only need to see you across the room to feel secure. This is significant because without that base of attachment to you, your child would not have the security to go out and explore, and she'd miss the learning opportunities presented by a new situation.

P&C: You've noted that a 2 year old's tantrums may signal another stage of attachment. Can you explain this?
Mercer: A child this age may have tantrums that are actually related to something like separation anxiety. Let's say you've taken your 2 year old to the pediatrician for a well visit. It's been a stressful morning, and probably all he wants is some quiet cuddle time with you. But you, thinking he's okay, decide to stop at the mall. He's in his stroller, he's in a loud environment, and he's still kind of stressed out. So he starts crying. And screaming. Suddenly you've got a tantrum on your hands. Although it looks like bad behavior, it's important to understand that he's not trying to manipulate you into buying him a toy or a treat. Instead, the tantrum is about wanting your attention, wanting you to be that "secure base" for him. He still has a fear of separation from you. The best thing you can do for a child this age is to be sensitive to how much stress and separation - even small separations like being in his stroller at the mall and not one-on-one with you - he can handle in a day.

P&C: There seems to be a pattern regarding attachment - these stages are triggered by separation from you.
Mercer: Yes, that's true. The same thing happens again by about 2 1/2 to 3 years of age. It's called "negotiation of separation." This is when you see kids doing some bargaining. Take, for example, going to bed: You'll start to see requests for one more story, one more hug, or a glass of water. These are not manipulation tactics, but ways your child is trying to negotiate with you. At the very heart of it, what she really wants is all of you, but she understands on some primitive level that you have other needs: You want to get her to sleep and go spend some time alone or with your spouse. By asking for another book or cuddle, she's actually making a big compromise. And when you agree to a certain number of hugs or stories, you're also compromising. It's yet another learning opportunity. This time, she's learning that preserving her relationship with you means making some compromises. She's learning how to have secure, mutually beneficial relationships with other people.

P&C: Parents sometimes worry that a child in day care could have trouble with attachment. Should they?
Mercer: No. The good news is that it's not as easy as you might think to disrupt attachment. Humans are wired for it, and every child will form attachments given half a chance. As long as the child has a relatively stable situation - not a string of different care providers all the time - his attachment will develop normally. It's also fine if your child becomes attached to his care provider; in fact, you want that to happen. This won't disrupt his attachment to you, as long as you spend some playful, interactive time with him each day.

P&C: Do adoptive parents face any special challenges?
Mercer: If you adopt a child under 6 months of age, she has not formed any attachments yet, so you should never worry that she's missed some sort of window. Also, if you adopt an older child, presuming he's had attachments to other primary caregivers earlier in his life, he'll know how to attach and after an adjustment period he'll be fine.

P&C: What can disrupt attachment?
Mercer: Traumatic events in a child's life can interrupt good attachment. Maternal depression is a problem. A depressed mom is unresponsive, and doesn't offer her child the social interaction necessary to form good attachment. I'm talking about a severe depressive episode, not a bad day or even a bad week. An acrimonious divorce that results in one parent being completely cut out of a child's life can disrupt attachment, as can an illness or death of a parent. As dire as these situations can be, there is always an excellent chance of a full recovery, though it can take a year or more. What the child needs is another person - another parent or a grandparent - who will become that steady adult presence in his life.

P&C: What can happen in the case of a child who, for whatever reason, has not been able to form a secure attachment?
Mercer: These children, sadly, may enter adulthood without the ability to trust others because that's not been modeled for them. They are more likely not to be trustworthy or reliable themselves. Without that social interaction that happens throughout the process of attachment, children don't learn that people can trust one another, which is at the root of human interaction.

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"We seem to be living in the 'Age of Attachment,'" writes psychologist Jean Mercer, author of Understanding Attachment: Parenting, Child Care, and Emotional Development. Mercer is surprised how often the term "attachment" comes up in discussions about baby-and-parent bonding. Yet surprisingly few people really understand this critical concept, and how it changes over time.

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The first step in increasing cooperative behavior is taking a look to see if we have made a strong connection with our child; connection before cooperation. Complete this chart everyday to strengthen the quality of your relationship.