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We had a funeral. I remember last year's and compared to this year, this one was much more intense. Ben was our catalyst. That in itself probably added a layer to it. Because I've known Ben for a longer period of time and could feel the grief in the room connected to him, it created an atmosphere that invited tears. Like anytime I think of something I need to let go of, I think of my brother and sister. Looking at Ben, it was almost too easy to think of my brother. It was almost too easy to let the tears flow. By the time I got to Ben, I was a mess. It felt good to let the tears out though. Saying goodbye was really hard. Physically turning my back and moving away was a struggle. I was only able to walk a few steps before I had to sit down. It was odd to cry with very little reservations. When Ben came around to each of us, I felt myself longing for him to come to me. It felt like he was my brother and when he touched me, I broke down. When he left, I just stared at the space he was in and I was trying to force myself to let him go. Eventually, I think I was able to let go a bit, but I'm not sure I'll ever fully get over having him ripped from me. But this helped.

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Today we built upon yesterday. Half the group had one gesture, the other had another. We messed around with lights and fog and it added a layer to our movement. I think it helped tell a story to the audience. When I went, I didn't notice the lights much and tried to ignore the fog, but when I was watching the other group, the effects added a layer of complexity. I think back to when we first began and it's crazy how far we've come. We used to be scared to do what we felt and we couldn't keep our focus. Now, most of us are letting go and not holding back. We are about to start incorporating this into content-less scenes and I'm really hoping it turns out evocative. I think it'll take some brainstorming and a bit of just going for it.

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We  did a grid incorporating a gesture that can be repeated. I was gonna do a character from my old school, but a servant from Mac seemed the most effective. I was holding a tray and handing out drinks, but that wasn't a good repetitive gesture, so I changed it to a bow. When the boys changed gestures, it was nice because they didn't have a personal attachment to the movement. Some people bothered me cuz they either didn't really change their gesture (SEB) or they didn't really have one to start (I couldn't see Dylan's). But I absolutely loved what the guys did in the clump. They morphed into one being. They effectively didn't resist the movement yet still did what they felt right. When Ben broke away, it was lovely. He continued the gesture and even was brought back into the clump and became the leader. I think their entire movement and gesture as a clump was effective.

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So today we got back into movement. We did a basic circle exercise on our toes and I found that it hurt so much less when I was moving versus when I was standing still. The grid was more fun because you gave us a feeling to work with. I think this opened up our inner actor and allowed us to play with our movements more. People had different definitions of the word. I was reckless in that I made connections with people. I think joyful was the hardest because I  wasn't sure where to take it. Sorrow was interesting. Everyone sort of slowed down. I was low and slow. I moved in slow motion for a while, but at one point I felt the need to run. So I broke my speed and ran around. Then I fell down and was still for a while. During this stage, I think I was more focused on myself and didn't react kinesthetically to the people around me.

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Today we didn't do much movement but we did play some improv games. First, we chose a person for Valentine's day. I got D. I spent most of the day freaking out because I knew I couldn't give her what she deserved for that day. Eventually, I settled for my words. I wrote a note. I didn't know what I was going to say or anything, I just got a pen and paper and started writing. It was a bit messy and could have been so much better, but I did what I could. Dani drew my name and she made me a lovely playlist. As simple as that may seem, I genuinely loved it. It was really sweet of her to do. Improv games are always super fun. Some people were not as well acquainted with how improv works, but it was all funny. It felt like old times during the Improv show when we would play these games and just have fun and goof around.

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Creating a story with no words and no prior communication sounded so intimidating and challenging. We were given Hansel and Gretel and told to create the essence of the story, not to tell the story. It was a bit hard because I didn't want to screw with someone's idea but I didn't want to not be a part of it. I think that although it wasn't perfect, we did our best to create the essence of the story with our movements. There were some moments that were lovely. We used repetition frequently and played with duration. I think duration was hard for me because I find myself wanting to continue a movement until something else causes me to change my movement. I don't intrinsically choose when to stop a movement, I let my surroundings choose that for me.

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We did a circle exercise with our whole body today. It was more challenging because it added the element of balance. I started the exercise, so I did it the most. It was nice because it let me get into a rhythm of movement, but it also hurt a bit. I am growing to love the grid exercises more and more. It's nice to move with levels and speed and responding kinesthetically.

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As much as it sort of hurts, I like doing the Mac piece with the squat. It provides and extra layer of complexity to help add to the words. I was surprised that not many people knew the other piece. Luckily, I knew it so I didn't feel that bad. The circle exercise was much prettier today. I started it, so my feet were hurting a bit, but after a while I stopped noticing it. It felt lovely and unified. The grid exercise was very freeing. I spent most of the time focusing on kinesthetically responding rather than initiating. But some of my reactions might have initiated other people to respond to me. There was a lovely moment at the end where we had split into two groups. One group was in a line at one end of the stage and the other group was crawling on the ground at the other end. It was not forced and felt lovely. The second time doing the exercise where we walked to the end of the stage was different. We had to make a human connection, which I wasn't sure about. It turned out to be easier than I thought. Looking at everyone else's, it seemed more focused and less of an acting exercise. I liked it a lot. Tomorrow's assignment sounds like a clusterfuk of an idea, but I'm interested to see what happens.

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I came in not knowing what to expect. We were told to have three short pieces memorized. We worked with the Mac piece. I actually liked when we went down and up with it. I was able to grasp the flow and length of the words with my body. After a few times, I was able to ignore the pain and channel it into my words. Later, we did an exercise that was interesting. I enjoyed it because I was able to do what I wanted. I made a choice and went with it. Some people were creating a huge, intricate story and seemed to be trying to make sure to tell the story instead of just doing. Keeping a soft focus makes it hard to connect, but it's a challenge I'm willing to tackle. I find that some of the most pure movements are the ones that are so simple. Kaylee's walk was great. She was focused, yet I could almost see her story. I'm hoping that I'm able to balance my urge to act with my objective to just move.

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Today we spent a lot of time on our toes. The circle exercise was less clean, but it was still lovely. The grid exercise was different in that now I was specifically seeked out and repeated. It was odd to have people looking to me for what movement to do. After a while, I stopped caring and just did what felt right. The exercises are getting more complicated and intricate, but I think they are worth it. It requires more focus and concentration, but it will turn out to be much more theatrically beautiful. These movements are very specific, and as we've been taught, "specificity is beauty". (P. S. I had to write this post two separate times because the internet hates me and it didn't save. And I'm sorry your eyes had to see this horrible picture, I took it and thought it was too gross not to share 😂😊)

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Today's circle exercises with the movement of the leg was interesting. It was cool to move in sync with everyone while maintaining a soft focus. It is getting easier to keep a soft focus. I felt like we were a chest rising and falling when breathing. The grid movement today was a bit harder to connect with, but it wasn't too bad. Reacting off of other people was easy enough and fun. I found it a bit harder to remain soft yet connected when we had to find a partner. At first, I did not come into contact with anyone, but then got pushed into someone but I didn't feel as connected to her when we moved. The second time, I found Dylan and I knew what I felt was the natural movement, but I wasn't sure he would catch on or do it. Our movement was meh, but I liked our break away. We were turning a new direction and I broke away and went back the way we had come from. It felt right and natural. All in all, it was interesting and I like what we're doing.

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Today seemed to create a different look. The circle exercise was much more fluid and seemed softer as a whole. I felt connected while never even looking at anyone. It was nice to know that we can create a single movement with no communication. The grid exercise was much more intense today. Not intense as in focused or strenuous, but intense as in it produced a much grander and more precise finish. I enjoyed changing our movements, it provided a new grasp on how to maintain being soft even when changing levels, speed, and direction. I found it most challenging to maintain a soft focus when turning direction on the grid. When my gaze shifted, I sometimes found myself having trouble not looking at my surroundings. As the exercise went on, this became easier. The dynamic of everyone was interesting. Most of us found it to be an odd feeling. I, personally, enjoyed it. Meg said she felt it was like lucid dreaming. I think it there was a point when I felt close to dissociating but I just grounded myself a bit and was fine. Overall, I like where this is heading and I'm ready to see what this develops into.

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I enjoyed the exercises we did today. I was able to relax and let my instincts take over. When we all mimicked the tempo of each movement, I just looked straight ahead and felt the people around me move and I moved with them. I bet it was nifty to watch everyone move in unison. Moving in a grid was fun. It was easy to move with the tempo and it wasn't too hard to stay within the grid. When we slowed down, I found myself able to be more "soft". I don't think I was focusing on anything, but I was focused, kind of. It's complicated. I liked moving in slow motion and it was relaxing. I think these exercises are going to benefit everyone who is in Metamorphoses.

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I finally performed my pieces. My comedic piece was not my favorite. I spent so long trying to find a comedic piece that  fit. Eventually, I just settled for Charges by Eric Kaiser. It isn't my favorite, and it isn't the most comedic, but it wasn't terrible. My classical piece was from King Henry VIII as Queen Katherine. This monologue caught my eye and so I went with it. After the fact, I would have made bigger choices. The choices that I made were mild and subtle, and I think that bolder choices would have been more effective.

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Theatre Fest was overall great. I was surrounded by people I love, while being immersed in the art I love. The performances were fantastic, apart from a few. I was slightly dumbfounded when people who do this all the time had the audacity to be rude during performances. One would think that you would practice what you preach and not be an ass during a show, just as you would expect anyone else to. But that's just me. The workshops were fun. I was with Meg almost the entire time, and we went to a bunch of different things. Complete Works performed and did amazing. I was glad that so many people wanted to see it. The food was great, the people were friendly, it was a good time. Except for my insatiable anxiety that made me feel like crap for no reason. I had no reason to be anxious, but I was. I literally had to sit outside of a workshop to calm myself down before I could do anything else. My head was a mess, but in the moments when I was able to get out of my head, I loved it. I spoke to a bunch of colleges, which made me angry and sad. I just want to go off to college. I want to get out of here. I feel like I'm in a cage and have no control of anything in my life. I know that I'm a kid and I need help. I know I'm gonna screw up. But I feel like I'm not being allowed the opportunity to screw up now before screwing up could really hurt me. Anyways, ultimately, I had a great time.

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I was super excited to see Ava and Josh. I love them both and I'm glad I got to hear about their new experiences in college. 24 hours ago, my plan for college was vague but, basically, I would go somewhere that my mum approves of (somewhere very close to here) and major in Psychology. As they were talking, they were telling about their classes and I found myself loving what they were saying. The classes they were taking sound fun and enjoyable, yet challenging. I was getting so excited. Then I remembered that I wasn't doing that. Then I started getting sad. I realized that I am not going to be able to do what I love. Yes, I enjoy Psychology, but that isn't theatre. Theatre has been my main love for as long as I can remember. Anything theatre related, I wanted to immerse myself in it. I loved it. I love it. It's been there for me when nothing else was. It was my coping mechanism. It was my release. I'm already terrified about how my mental freedom is going to handle finally escaping my mum, but now I won't have the one thing I could always rely on. I have been in a theater class for as long as I can remember. It's always been why I get up in the morning. What the hell am I supposed to do when I don't have the one thing I love? What if I'm not allowed to take any theatre classes in college. I like Psychology, but I love theatre. Now, my plan that I used to be okay with, now sounds like hell. I had come to terms with my future was probably going to look like. Now, I hate it. I never planned on giving up theatre. Its always been the one thing that I wouldn't give up on. I have given up on so many things because of theatre and I don't regret any of it. Now, I feel as though all of that is going down the drain. I never planned on giving up theatre, I always figured I would continue it whenever I could. But now I'm realizing that that might not be possible. I don't know what I want. I am scared and I don't know what to do.

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January 4: Can we take the artist out of the art?

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January 4: Can we take the artist out of the art?

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Are we truly able to separate the art from the artist? It's a complicated question. I can see it both ways. Some actors are tied so closely to their work. Other actors are able to separate their art and themselves. In every piece of art, an artist embeds a piece of themselves within the art. Although who we are on stage or in our art isn't who we are as individuals, it does reflect a piece of us. Every character we take on, every piece of art we create is a measure of what we are passions can bring. To separate the two is important, but recognizing their unity is also important. Ben is not Mac, he has never murdered anyone (that we know of). For his sanity, he must separate the two. But in his Mac, Ben was a part of it. That Mac could not have existed without Ben. As for separating art and the artist when the artist does a bad thing, I'm conflicted. Whoever you are, you have to answer for your actions. I don't think that should negate your accomplishments and art, but whether or not your art will be seen in the same light is up to the audience. Each person will have their own response to your art. Some people might ignore the artist and have the same opinion of the art; other people might not be able to separate the two and not be able to look at the art without seeing the artist's faults. As for me, I think it depends on how much I value the artist. If I don't really know the artist, I may not even realize the artist in their work, but I know the artist and I am fond of their work, I may see their work in a different light. I refuse to ignore the artistic intelligence, but as individuals, they must be held accountable. Whether or not that is fair to the artist is up for debate, but that's how I think I would react. But, as with most things in life, I'm willing to reshape my opinions.

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Alright, hopefully I will keep up with this. This year, theatrically, is going to be crazy. But crazy in the best of ways. Auditions are coming up, so the reality of the upcoming shows is getting real. I'm excited. As for this class, I'm ready to haul ass. It's my last semester of high school; it's time to get my crap together. Meg and I are no longer grounded from each other, so I have my best friend back. I have an amazing boyfriend. I'm throwing myself into theatre. I'm ready for what this year throws at me.