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Coramae Angelie Pineda Pilarca is my name. I was introduced to earth on the 8th day of July in 2002 as the firstborn and, of course, the family's first grandchild. I remember nothing much during my childhood days, except that my strict grandparents raised me.

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Growing up with a strict family, I barely go out to meet new people. The first friend I had was Geedy Mae Acaylar. She was like a sister to me. We had matching outfits every time we visited their place. She's my mother's cousin, yet we are the same age. I considered her my soul sister until this big family of ours argued. We had taken different sides, which made us stop visiting their place. Every time we see each other, I feel like we are trapped in our family's dispute and that we both have something to say to each other. Well, she is still the first friend I have and will always be the first.

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"You already belong to the family; what's the problem?" 

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I am the firstborn of the family, yet I don't feel like I belong. My parents left me at my grandparents' place since day one. We seldom see each other, even at present. We have never been close to one another. I am not even included on family outings, except if Mommy (my mother's sister) was the one who organized the get-together. Honestly, I still have a hard time opening myself up to them expressing my thoughts, feelings, and love. I love my family, but sometimes I wonder, "Do they love me too? Or they only respect my existence as their daughter?"

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My family is not perfect. No one's family is. I realized, whatever happens, you should not turn your back on your family.

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Dancing and singing were the hobbies I had. I used to perform at school events, contests, and experienced being one of the Pasigarbo and Sinulog dancers. But, as I grew older up to the present, I lost the passion for doing things I used to love.

As a young adult, I've become more conscious than I already am. I tend to overthink things. I usually question myself if I am excellent enough to deal with the world. Adulting has never been easy for me, but I am still growing and learning every day.

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The adolescence phase indeed comprises a unique stage in our lives. Unexpected changes are bound to happen, and emotions are unpredictable as ever. A lot of changes may occur, but it arrives at one thing: for the best version of ourselves.

I was not the typical kid when I was young. They usually consider me the young mature, but little did they know I was observing things and tried to determine the reasons and possibilities I could. For all one knows to the exclusion of everyone else, maybe, that is why they thought I was not as young as I was. My childhood was not that fun too. They're strict when it comes to playing outside. Therefore, I play with my toy cars, guns and knives at home or watch action movies. I don't prefer girly things.

When I was in fourth grade, I started to become lazy. I felt so solitary being alone, so I violated my grandmother's rules for me. I know it's bound to happen because I felt suffocated by her rules. I learned to disobey and talk back to her, which I know is not good. From then, the proper girl became the hard-headed granddaughter. Next hither came the time when my mother went home with unexpected news. She was pregnant and decided to break from work here in the province. I didn't know what to feel at that time. I didn't want to get lonely, but I didn't want a sibling either. I got no choice but to accept. Eventually, things changed again.

It was too pathetic to think that my baby brother got attention from my grandparents, and I was left. They are all that I had. At one time, I didn't want them to look at me full-time, but I felt terrible at that time that they didn't. I felt like a toy being dumped into the garbage because the owner gained a new one. That was too immature, but change is constant, as the saying goes.

As time passed by, I had much free time. I started lying about going out with my most inseparable friend and sometimes just friends. I started drinking and smoking when I was in sixth grade. I felt that I desired company and experienced it with my friends. I didn't reason and did things that I admitted were not good for me. I merely stopped drinking and smoking when I managed myself into high school.

My grandmother enrolled me in the Special Science Class where my friends couldn't get into. It was hard to adapt, but I'm lucky to meet new friends. I started feeling warm and decided to leave my bad habits. They kept me company and made me realize things. One of those was it was never late for new beginnings.

My first and second years were smooth and more on the adjusting stage. It was my junior year when my grandmother felt ill. The doctor said that she was unable to live longer. I didn't know what to think at that time. I failed to focus on my studies and started overthinking. Until the day has come, God earned another angel.

From that day, I swore to myself to be stronger and learn to explore things independently because she desired me to be. It took me long enough to realize it, but I am glad and proud to say I have become more assertive. My grandmother is indeed an exceptional teacher. She changed my soul for the better, encouraging me to do the same as a future educator.

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Take a deep breath. Take a look at your two feet. Where are their current whereabouts? Start by looking at yourself. You devoted your whole life longing to be an adult, breathlessly awaiting the journey that would provide you with the stability, recognition, and approval you yearned. Now that you're a grownup, all you want are the deliciously free moments of fun and lack of duty that childhood provided you. Life isn't a fitness test; it's a thrilling experience, so you're not in it to "race." Be kind to yourself. Be a slob at points in time. Accept all of your lessons and value your experiences since they are undoubtedly divinely meant.

Notwithstanding your ongoing aggravation, you've continued to wear colors each day, and I commend you for it. Anything that has occurred in life has brought you to this extent. Everything turned out just as envisaged. All of the individual pieces fit altogether, and all of the pathways make sense.