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13, a personal note: Am I "queer" if I no longer date females? Can you be queer without labeling yourself "queer"? A kind of reflection...

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13, a personal note: Am I "queer" if I no longer date females? Can you be queer without labeling yourself "queer"? A kind of reflection...

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When I was 15 I wrote a letter to my Dad explaining how I was gay. I had always looked up to women as role models, felt they were very beautiful and caring and I'm not really sure I can explain it. I just felt this way. I had little interest in boys.

I had dated a girl in high school, and it was really awesome because her personality was so warm, inviting and she loved art as well. She told me she was bi, and I just told her that's fine by me - I just wanted us to be a couple. Going to an upper class town's high school as a "school of choice" kid was kinda weird and I had always felt out of place amongst people who had a lot of money. I just didn't really "fit in," among the crowd which tended to have a hyper-focus on getting A's and taking AP courses. I have no issue with those things, and I actually think it's great that my peers wanted to do well. However, it was generally an unhealthy obsession - peers stressed over getting B+'s and worrying about getting into Ivy Leagues. That just wasn't and isn't who I am - I do my best usually, and I do enjoy learning. But I wanted to spend more time with my best friends, I wanted to learn photography, etc. rather than stress about my GPA.

Me and a handful of other students dressed "emo" or "punk" or "goth" whatever you wanna call it. It felt good to kinda do my own thing, and just be who I am.

Looking back now, I see how I am technically bi. But the thing is, I have a hard time with this word.  I don't even like labels. To some, they can be empowering, helpful, or hopeful and I respect that. But there are so many dumb connotations with bisexuality. Being a little older now (23) and also now being with someone who is older than me (by 11 years), it's interesting to reflect on my personal romantic relationships. When I met him (my current bf), I was 19. I honestly had no intention of meeting anyone like that. I had been going to this 18+ goth club night called Xmortis. I had only been going for about 2 or 3 months and then I just saw him (my bf) and was just drawn to him. I remember talking outside the club, it was still a bit chilly that night in April. But I didn't feel cold at all. Man, he was so cute, and not just that, his energy was just so uplifting to me. I went home in the Lyft ride that night, and just smiled so freaking much. The next day, when I saw him again it was funny cause the host figured I was meeting him based on our gothic outfits haha.

At one point, I was a little nervous about the age difference. Not to me, because I honestly feel he looks younger than his actual age - but to other people possibly saying dumb things. However, I have yet to encounter anything negative. Most people are actually very kind and say we are complementary, etc. Another thing we both talked about was race. His Mother is Japanese and his Father is Polish. For me, I had told him about my Scottish heritage on my Mother's side (My Mom's Dad born in Scotland and came to USA) and American/European heritage on my Father's side.

I am actually very blessed to be with him because we've been able to teach and help each other with various things in life. When I had dated younger men my age, my experience was that I found it difficult to establish a long-term relationship. I am personally not into casual dating. Family has always been so important to me. It was amazing that on our first date, we sat in the restaurant for 3+ hours talking about each other, opening up about past traumas etc.
I just knew in my heart that something clicked.

Being with him, what's most important is being with each other. Whether that's working out, watching a movie, exploring, etc. He makes me more grateful for everything, because he's the kind of person who despite going through a lot, could've given up, but didn't, and that inspires me. But not only that, he's just a very honest and kind person. He has told me that me being young, my passion for animals and art also makes him feel more motivated to do certain things.

This is like a rambling now...but I'm trying to discuss more lgbt topics in my posts.

Because I've been with him since April 2018, there's no hesitation about being with him for the rest of my life. Gosh, who could ask for anything better? I find the person you know you wanna be with. There are people who are sad or down because they've been hurt or can't seem to find their soulmate. That was me when I had been (trigger warn) sexually assaulted years ago. I had been so hurt by this that I had (trigger warn) considered ending my life. Once you've felt that, it's a scary state.

I've been tryna remind myself to remember this every day I wake up. It's easy to get lost in the stresses of life, but when I really think about it - wow, I'm freaking lucky. I have a job, an apartment we share, food to eat, water. And yeah there are things that are very difficult and disgusting and awful about this world we live in. After going through what I went through, I really do my best to focus on the positive. And not be fake positive, I mean seriously doing my best to stay sane in this world we live in and do some good in some way, shape or form. Sometimes I slip up, and I get lost in the emotions of life and such. That's why I want to make this art-work. I am very aware of the privilege (I don't even like that word because it gets thrown around so much) of having a cabin that my ancestors could afford to build and thankfully has been passed down on my Dad's side.

I've pushed myself to reflect on these ideas of land and such, especially in the "Legends" poem I wrote. For me, I want to honor my family and my love for nature in the art-work. I can still love Colorado while sharing the some of the very terrible horrors that occurred. And I am deciding to focus more on the positive aspects because after what I've been through, I value practicing gratitude. I have a lot of respect for my family and for how many of them served in the Army, and gave back to the community. It inspires me because to me, I imagine being a man and fighting in the wars. My father told me that his Dad's father told him to stand up on a chair and to lean back - that his father would catch him. Guess what, he didn't catch him. He was like 4 years old. He started crying and his father told him not to trust anyone. Can you imagine? My Dad said his Dad (was an engineer for the army) never talked about emotional things. So, my Dad had looked to his Mother (Robin - daughter of Orlando) for more emotional support. This has been a big rumination, kinda all over the place. Another reason why I'm making this art work is cause my brother is away on service and comes back in January - he's been gone for 11 months. He's planning to re-enlist which mean's he'll get sent somewhere else in the near future. There is a lot of anxiety, but also pride I feel. I mention what my Dad told me about his Dad because I think it really speaks to the idea that men can't show certain emotions, especially from that time period. I actually feel that when anyone shows emotions it takes a lot of courage and strength to be vulnerable.

It also gives me comfort to make this work, while at the same time, dealing with uncomfortable topics/emotions. It's like therapy.

I also kinda realized certain things about myself that I am working on. Life in the army isn't easy, living out west during 1890's wasn't easy...and I am using these things as a reflection and appreciation for where I am at but also where I want to go in life. I am human so it's silly to strive for perfection. I know I am by no means perfect or anything like that. Nor do I strive to be.

But this art project really is spiritual to me on different levels. I suppose in conclusion, I'm not really sure if I am queer. I'm not really sure if I am bi, straight or whatever. But to me, I am at a headspace where I am more focused on personal growth and being very honest with myself on what I would like to improve for me, for others, etc. I think at this moment, I feel more drawn to reflecting on overall positive things about Colorado because I also have an incredibly sensitive nature. I know many people do as well. I have learned (maybe the hard way) that for my own saneness, I gotta embrace things as they are of course and be aware, but to also do everything I can to put energy into what I love doing. I can get in my head a lot.

Kinda ironic I'm at a place like Tufts which is like where my high school peers would wanna go. And there's nothing wrong with that - it's just I never would have imagined myself to be given this sick opportunity to be at Tufts. To be fair, I got accepted before the full merger (lol).

I'm also in a good mood because I've been at a new job for past few months and it's a really good match for me. I was really anxious about entering a new field, and putting myself out there like that. But wow it's sooo worth it!

I hope to get certified as a Vet Assistant in the future and perhaps work in a museum or gallery, too. Wow this has been a huge ramble, but nice. I hope this sheds more light on my mindset on this project.

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Also Happy late Thanksgiving. I never saw this pic until today. Man standing is Orlando Ward. Woman with short hair is my grandma (Orlando's daughter.) Not sure of exact year - but taken in Denver, CO.

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Also Happy late Thanksgiving. I never saw this pic until today. Man standing is Orlando Ward. Woman with short hair is my grandma (Orlando's daughter.) Not sure of exact year - but taken in Denver, CO.

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My Dad was telling me that OW would always cut the turkey as a tradition and kinda "throw" or "toss" it onto your plate. Word has it he never missed.

Note: I know not everyone celebrates this holiday, so if you did not celebrate it - then I do hope you were able to have a nice time reflecting, or being with friends/family, or just however you celebrate it/don't celebrate it.

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The ability to travel through time, whether it is to fix a mistake in the past or gain insight into the future, has long been embraced by science fiction and debated by theoretical physicists. While the debate continues over whether travelling into the past is possible, physicists have determined that travelling to the future most certainly is. And you don't need a wormhole or a DeLorean to do it.

Real-life time travel occurs through time dilation, a property of Einstein's special relativity. Einstein was the first to realize that time is not constant, as previously believed, but instead slows down as you move faster through space.

As part of his theory, Einstein re-envisioned space itself. He coined the phrase "spacetime," fusing the three dimensions of space and one dimension of time into a single term. Instead of treating space as a flat and rigid place that holds all the objects in the universe, Einstein thought of it as curved and malleable, able to form gravitational dips around masses that pull other objects in, just as a bowling ball placed in the centre of a trampoline would cause any smaller object placed on the trampoline to slide towards the centre.

The closer an object gets to the centre of the dip, the faster it accelerates. The centre of the Earth's gravitational dip is located at the Earth's core, where gravitational acceleration is strongest. According to Einstein's theory, because time moves more slowly as you move faster through space, the closer an object is to the centre of the Earth, the slower time moves for that object.

This effect can be seen in GPS satellites, which orbit 20,200 kilometres above the Earth's surface. These satellites have highly precise clocks onboard that gain an average of 38 microseconds per day due to time dilation. While this time gain seems insignificant, GPS satellites rely on their onboard clocks to maintain precise global positioning. Running 38 microseconds fast would result in a positioning error of nearly 10 kilometres, an error that would increase daily if the time difference were not constantly corrected.

A more dramatic example of time dilation can be seen in the movie Interstellar when Matthew McConaughey and his crew land on a planet with an extreme gravitational field caused by a nearby black hole. Because of the black hole's intense gravitational influence, time slows dramatically for the crew on the planet, making one hour on the surface equal to seven years on Earth. This is why, when the crew returns to Earth, Matthew McConaughey's daughter is an old woman while he appears to be the same age as when he left.

So why hasn't humanity succeeded in making such drastic leaps forward in time? The answer to this question comes down to velocity. In order for humanity to send a traveller years into the future, we would either have to take advantage of the intense gravitational acceleration caused by black holes or send the traveller rocketing into space at close to the speed of light (about 1 billion km/h). With our current technology, jumping a few microseconds into the future is all humans can manage.

But if technology one day allows us to send a human into the future by travelling close to the speed of light, would there be any way for the traveller to use time dilation to return to the past and report her findings? "Interstellar travel reaching close to the speed of light might be possible," says Dr. Jaymie Matthews, professor of astrophysics at the University of British Columbia, "[but] this voyage is one way - into the future, not back to the past."

If we can't use time dilation to return to the past, does this mean that the past is forever inaccessible? Perhaps not. Einstein proposed that time travel into the past could be achieved through an Einstein-Rosen bridge, a type of wormhole. Wormholes are theoretical areas of spacetime that are warped in a way that connects two distant points in space.

Einstein's equations suggested that this bridge in space could hypothetically connect two points in time instead if it were stable enough. "At the moment, even an Einstein-Rosen bridge cannot [be used to] go back in the past because it doesn't live long enough - it is not stable," Matthews explains.

"Even if it was stable, it [requires] other physics, which we don't have. Hypothetical particles and states of matter that have "exotic" physical properties that would violate known laws of physics, such as a particle having a negative mass. That is why "wormholes" are only science fiction."

While it would be fascinating to travel back in time to see the dinosaurs or to meet Albert Einstein and show him the reality of time travel, perhaps it is best if the past remains untouched. Travelling to the past invites the possibility of making an alteration that could destroy the future. For example, in Back to the Future, Marty McFly travels to the past and inadvertently prevents his parents from meeting each other, nearly preventing his own existence. But if he had undone his own existence, how could he have travelled back in time in the first place?

Marty's adventures are a variation of the grandfather paradox: what happens if you go back in time and kill your grandfather before your father is conceived? If you are successful, how is it possible that you're alive to kill your grandfather in the first place?

A recent study at the University of Queensland may have the answer to this baffling paradox. In this study, the researchers prove mathematically that paradox-free time travel is possible, showing that the universe will self-correct to avoid inconsistencies. If this is true, then even if we could travel back in time, we would never be able to alter events to create a different future.

While these new findings are enlightening, there appears to be more evidence that, although time dilation can allow us to glimpse the future, we will never be able to visit the past. As the late Stephen Hawking said in his book Black Holes and Baby Universes, "The best evidence we have that time travel [into the past] is not possible, and never will be, is that we have not been invaded by hordes of tourists from the future."

~30~
Banner image by Alex Lehner, CC BY 2.0

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Time travel is possible, but it's a one-way ticket

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Chenoa van den Boogaard, Physics and Astronomy editor The ability to travel through time, whether it is to fix a mistake in the past or gain insight into the future, has long been embraced by science fiction and debated by theoretical physicists. While the debate continues over whether travelling into the past is possible, physicists [...]

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Story concept: Orlando is on a hiking trip, enters some "time slip" and ends up meeting my brother in NE Africa in present day.

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Story concept: Orlando is on a hiking trip, enters some "time slip" and ends up meeting my brother in NE Africa in present day.

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#12: Is space time-travel possible? How was Orlando a "naturalist"? I'm asking the space-time question for another short story I'm writing. 

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#12: Is space time-travel possible? How was Orlando a "naturalist"? I'm asking the space-time question for another short story I'm writing. 

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I recently watched a video about a hiker, a man, in Montana who got separated from his group, eventually got lost off trail, and spent a night alone in the cold until the next day where he saw a member from his group, a woman, - and thankfully was fine. However, after meeting up with the member of the group, the man who had got separated explained he had spent the night worried about finding the group and felt so relieved to see them again. After explaining to the woman that he was worried about possibly dying out there, she met him with a confused look and said "what are you talking about, it's been only 5 minutes?" the man thought she was just giving him some dark humor or it was a joke of some sort. But she was serious! This story got me wondering about what we DO know about space-time/the universe and what we don't know. It is possible the man after becoming lost, was disoriented and could have hallucinated or dreamt that he had spent the night there alone. However, my curiosity is wondering what else could have explained this? I'm drawn to possible super-natural causes or unexplained things like this story.

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I want to scan this image and add it to my final proj. Reconsidering doing a collection of books/writings for my proj.

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#11: Another draft/edit to Ghost of Ellen Gove short story. Thinking a lot about cells/biology and the more "unseen" forms of life.

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#11: Another draft/edit to Ghost of Ellen Gove short story. Thinking a lot about cells/biology and the more "unseen" forms of life.

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The added text/edits are in dark green.

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Query 11: Reflections on this year's Veteran's Day 

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Query 11: Reflections on this year's Veteran's Day 

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Today I feel overcome by emotion. I am very thankful for everyone who has served in our Military branches. I personally believe it takes a lot of responsibility to uphold the Military values and to take on a role in our service branches.

I would like to take a moment to discuss that there are many LGBT people in the Military, and as someone who is technically part of that community (although I have mixed feelings with identity labels etc.) I personally support our service members. This does not mean I agree with EVERYTHING our military does. What it does mean is that I have the utmost respect for people who are willing to put their lives on the line to help other nations, to fight, and to protect our freedoms.

Something I recently learned is that when Orlando graduated from West Point, he was assigned as a lieutenant to Troop E of the 9th Cavalry Regiment - a group of black troops for border patrol in Arizona and New Mexico. From my knowledge, and from his diary entries, Orlando didn't care about a soldier's background. He valued soldiers who would take on whatever task was at hand to the best of their ability. I think it is important to also focus on the positive in addition to pointing out injustices.

I also learned he is quite a naturalist, and loved nature and animals which I can relate to so much.

I also watched the live stream of how the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier was open to the public for the first time in over 100 years on Nov 9 and Nov 10. (You can find it on U.S. Army Facebook page) I was full of emotion, seeing how so many different people of varying backgrounds took the time to give a flower and pay their respects. I started crying a little bit watching it, overwhelmed by the support of so many different people coming there. It made me feel a sense of hope that it is possible for Americans to come together and show their support. There can be so much negativity in media and news that watching that live stream felt like such a beautiful experience. Of course on today, I am thinking of my Brother serving abroad and Orlando as well as other friends and family who have served - and just in general I feel very emotional about today and feel blessed.

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Query 10: How do I feel about the word "gaining" a disability? (as referenced in the radical visibility zine) How does this relate to my personal experience? Does this relate to Colorado in any way?

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Query 10: How do I feel about the word "gaining" a disability? (as referenced in the radical visibility zine) How does this relate to my personal experience? Does this relate to Colorado in any way?

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As a woman who copes with endometriosis, as well as migraines, I could relate to this zine in many different ways. It has taken me a long time to trial and error a good lifestyle of nutrition, exercise, rest, work, school etc.

The idea of "gaining" a disability is an interesting notion. And although this isn't a "disability" I can be extremely sensitive to the point where if I let it overcome me and disable me, it can. That's why I have learned to be very strict about certain routines I stay on track with. I workout at least 5x a week, because the various strength training and stretches I do help me feel great mentally (I feel productive, release endorphins, etc.) but I have also learned if I'm having a rough day with symptoms, I can just lower the intensity, reps or weight of whatever I'm doing. I can take longer breaks between sets as well. And yes, sometimes I do NOT feel motivated to work out, but I just do - even if it's a more "chill" workout or just bodyweight because I know I'll feel better after. The only times I take off more days is if I have a severe flare up.  I also write daily, every morning. It's like a meditation on how I feel, and what I want to do for the day.

At one point, I was not sure how to cope with my extremely sensitive nature. I am like a sponge sometimes, I can soak up the emotion in a room and I've thankfully been able to find ways to stray away from that and maintain boundaries so I can feel psychologically energized or at least neutral. However, I do feel that my highly sensitive nature is an advantage. I can tap into how I feel on a deep level that to me, when I see certain videos or hear stories I naturally let myself go and feel whatever emotion comes up. Like the end of the Fly (80's) movie I just cried so much - that movie touched me so hard! I can also use my compassion and sensitivity in my job as well. Being a vet assistant, it isn't just petting dogs and cats. It's difficult, as many of the pets are nervous or anxious, aggressive, sick or terminally ill, or facing emergencies. I do my best to remind myself that their behaviors are usually not personal, and it's a reaction to the hospital environment or a reaction to their illness. And as someone who knows physical pain, I try to remind myself that I am there to help them, even if it takes longer to do an exam or an x-ray. Nothing could have prepared me for the first time I saw a cat suffering from advanced heart disease in front of my eyes. I felt the tears in my eyes, yet I knew my love for animals was strong enough to maintain ease and make sure I could help the other techs and vet in the moment.

Based on stories and my research, I believe Orlando was highly sensitive, as well as his daughter, Robin. When learning more about Orlando, I see my own tendencies and feelings in him.

I've gained a lot through my illness - learned how to improve my physical strength, improve a supportive food choices, and being ok with lowering the intensity or taking a break when all the other options fail. And yes, I learned how to fail as well. I remember taking so many courses and ultimately having to drop and withdraw a few because my endo was so bad in 2018. My value system was so messed up that I felt guilty for making that choice, when I NEEDED to for my spirit and health. I had always been taught to work hard and never give up. Sometimes it can be hard for me to take a breather, but I am still learning to do this and such.

I've also learned how to be more comfortable in my own body. Endo makes me feel so frustrated, as it can impact my relationship in many different ways. My boyfriend has struggled with his own medical condition in the past, so he offers me a tremendous amount of understanding and patience whenever I am feeling under the weather or a bit overwhelmed. He is so sweet and I am reminded how fortunate I am. He is also a personal trainer, so he has helped me a lot with how I can adapt working out to my condition.

I have been very thankful to have a solid support system to lean on. I've also learned that sometimes I can't always do the things I want to do, without consequences. I can play soccer, but the running irritates my condition, and I feel so much worse. I played varsity soccer in HS so sometimes I feel like I miss it quite a bit. But instead of focusing on that, I do my best to remember that there are ways of managing my condition and there's been a push for more research in this field. I have used many essential oils and teas to treat my migraines as well.

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Query #9: how can I "perform" or read the poem ?

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Query #9: how can I "perform" or read the poem ?

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Practicing reading 1st half of Colorado Legends poem. I plan to practice my reading of it more, but this is a start. 

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Practicing reading 1st half of Colorado Legends poem. I plan to practice my reading of it more, but this is a start. 

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I am working on a video-essay featuring:
-my original writing/narration of my "Colorado Legends" poem
-film footage from Colorado, including family film footage & photos
-possibly some music recorded by my Dad (he plays guitar and can sing)
-as well as photos obtained from Denver library archives of early colorado
-some of my own photography I have taken in the past in Colorado

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Not part of this series, but I realized how much I look like my Dad! Really awesome photo I love of my Dad and his Mom.

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Judge Wescott & John Barbbe wrote the "Legend of Grand Lake" my poem above is my own reaction poem to this. 

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Judge Wescott & John Barbbe wrote the "Legend of Grand Lake" my poem above is my own reaction poem to this. 

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Query #8: How can I combine images and photos to tell stories about Orlando + my brother?

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Query #8: How can I combine images and photos to tell stories about Orlando + my brother?

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Yeonmi Park on Jordan Peterson's podcast. Very long, but WORTH watching.

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Yeonmi Park on Jordan Peterson's podcast. Very long, but WORTH watching.

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Why I started listening to opposing views, such as Jordan Peterson and Ben Shapiro.

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Why I started listening to opposing views, such as Jordan Peterson and Ben Shapiro.

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A few years ago, I use to believe I was a democrat, or part of the "left" side. Now, I am not sure where I lean politically, but I would say I am more of a traditional libertarian.

Initially, I did not agree with many of Jordan's perspectives. However, during my personal journey of overcoming a past trauma (TW, sexual assault) I started to see the world as jaded, I started to overly identify with certain feminist ideals - and I soon became susceptible to believing in "all men or bad" type of ideals. I recall speaking about my experience in certain classes earlier on at Tufts (as I made a photo series about it) and in retrospect, I feel that the reception of my work as further emphasizing my bias towards men as a whole.

I also recall the honor of having my work being part of an exhibition about Sexual Assault Awareness Month and how it was originally going to be shown at the SMFA library. I remember getting a notification saying my work might trigger people, and that it will be moved to the CARE center room. I agreed, but a part of me felt bothered by this. Of course the room had a door, and a trigger warning note before you'd be able to come inside and see the work.

I have really mixed feelings about this. On one hand, my work is not intentionally trying to trigger people - it's really just expressing a lot of the emotions I had been feeling regarding the assault. The point of the work is to be un-compromised, to be really honest with showing how I felt. So how come we have to censor it, to add a warning to that? I feel like sometimes trigger warnings on work diminishes the importance of it.

After that, I started watching videos of opposing views - people like Ben Shapiro, who had for the most part, been really demonized by a lot of people I personally knew on the left. And while I didn't agree with everything, I saw his logic at times, and I was able to reflect on certain topics more - it made me actually question some of my own beliefs. I got into watching Peterson's old lectures at Harvard, and his podcast.

Peterson's videos and in his podcasts, he questions all his guests as to why or how they think the way they do. I love this approach so much, because it's a more nuanced way of listening and responding. There is one particular video with Yeonmi Park, a North Korean defector that really opened up my mind in many ways. That video, and Yeonmi's experiences coming to the U.S. made me realize how there is a push to control language, to also demonize certain groups - something that she warns North Korea has done and that it's also happening here (in different variations) in many spheres, such as politics, universities, and social media. I'm not sure I have the words to say how much that particular podcast has impacted me - but I have to say that I believe we should all watch it and truly think about her story and her words.

Peterson's lectures, podcasts, and writings have personally helped me realize the importance of the individual rising above suffering, and how much agency we do have as people. I know watching his content has helped me change my mindset from oppressed victim, to a survivor.

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These topics have been on my mind lately - Africa has managed to express them very clearly and openly in her letter.

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These topics have been on my mind lately - Africa has managed to express them very clearly and openly in her letter.

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An open letter: why I’m leaving the cult of wokeness by Africa Brooke

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If there’s one thing I’m NOT afraid of, it’s being ‘cancelled’. ​ If being cancelled means me living in integrity as a human being who thinks for themselves, CANCEL ME TODAY! ​ ...

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Query #7: How come sometimes "wokeness" feels performative?  How I "came out" from being part of "the left", to now being a libertarian.

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Query #7: How come sometimes "wokeness" feels performative?  How I "came out" from being part of "the left", to now being a libertarian.

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Depiction of the Sand Creek Massacre by Cheyenne eyewitness and artist Howling Wolf

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Depiction of the Sand Creek Massacre by Cheyenne eyewitness and artist Howling Wolf

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Silas Sole, refused to fight during Sand Creek. 

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Silas Sole, refused to fight during Sand Creek. 

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Fort Lyon, C.T.
December 14, 1864

Dear Ned:

Two days after you left here the 3rd Reg. with a Battalion of the 1st arrived here, having moved so secretly that we were not aware of their approach until they had Pickets around the post, allowing no one to pass out! They arrested Capt. Bent and John Vogle and placed guards around their houses. Then they declared their intention to massacre the friendly Indians camped on Sand Creek. Major Anthony gave all information, and eagerly joined in with Chivington and Co. and ordered Lieut. Cramer with his whole Co. to join the command. As soon as I knew of their movement I was indignant as you would have been were you here, and were you here, and went to Cannon's room, where a number of officers of the 1st and 3rd were congregated and told them that any man who would take part in the murders, knowing the circumstances as we did, was a low lived cowardly son of a bitch. Capt. J.J. Johnson and Lieut. Harding went to camp and reported to Chiv, Downing and the whole outfit what I had said, and you can bet hell was to pay in camp. Chiv and all hands swore they would hang me before they moved camp, but I stuck it out, and all the officers of the post, except Anthony backed me.

We arrived at Black Kettle and Left Hand's Camp at day light. Lieut. Wilson with Co.s "C", "E" & "G" were ordered to in advance to cut off their herd. He made a circle to the rear and formed a line 200 yds from the village, and opened fire. Poor old John Smith and Louderbeck ran out with white flags but they paid no attention to them, and they ran back into the tents. Anthony (indecipherable) with Co's "D" "K" & "G", to within one hundred yards and commenced firing. I refused to fire and swore that none but a coward would. For by this time hundreds of women and children were coming towards us and getting on their knees for mercy. Anthony shouted, "kill the sons of bitches" Smith and Louderbeck came to our command, although I am confident there were 200 shots fired at them, for I heard an officers say that Old Smith and any one who sympathized with the Indians, ought to be killed and now was a good time to do it. The Battery then came up in our rear, and opened on them. I took my comp'y across the Creek, and by this time the whole of the 3rd and the Batteries were firing into them and you can form some idea of the slaughter. When the Indians found that there was no hope for them they went for the Creek, and buried themselves in the Sand and got under the banks and some of the Bucks got their bows and a few rifles and defended themselves as well as they could. By this time there was no organization among our troops, they were a perfect mob - every man on his own hook. My Co. was the only one that kept their formation, and we did not fire a shot.

The massacre lasted six or eight hours, and a good many Indians escaped. I tell you Ned it was hard to see little children on their knees have their brains beat out by men professing to be civilized. One squaw was wounded and a fellow took a hatchet to finish her, she held her arms up to defend her, and he cut one arm off, and held the other with one hand and dashed the hatchet through her brain. One squaw with her two children, were on their knees begging for their lives of a dozen soldiers, within ten feet of them all, firing - when one succeeded in hitting the squaw in the thigh, when she took a knife and cut the throats of both children, and then killed herself. One old squaw hung herself in the lodge - there was not enough room for her to hang and she held up her knees and choked herself to death. Some tried to escape on the Prairie, but most of them were run down by horsemen. I saw two Indians hold one of another's hands, chased until they were exhausted, when they kneeled down, and clasped each other around the neck and were both shot together. They were all scalped, and as high as half a dozen taken from one head. They were all horribly mutilated. One woman was cut open and a child taken out of her, and scalped.

White Antelope, War Bonnet and a number of others had Ears and Privates cut off. Squaw's snatches were cut out for trophies. You would think it impossible for white men to butcher and mutilate human beings as they did there, but every word I have told you is the truth, which they do not deny. It was almost impossible to save any of them. Charly Autobee save John Smith and Winsers squaw. I saved little Charlie Bent. Geo. Bent was killed [George Bent was wounded but survived} Jack Smith was taken prisoner, and murdered the next day in his tent by one of Dunn's Co. "E". I understand the man received a horse for doing the job. They were going to murder Charlie Bent, but I run him into the Fort. They were going to kill Old Uncle John Smith, but Lt. Cannon and the boys of Ft. Lyon, interfered, and saved him. They would have murdered Old Bents family if Col. Tappan had not taken the matter in hand. Cramer went up with twenty (20) men, and they did not like to buck against so many of the 1st. Chivington has gone to Washington to be made General, I suppose, and get authority to raise a nine months Reg't to hunt Indians. He said Downing will have me cashiered if possible. If they do I want you to help me. I think they will try the same for Cramer for he has shot his mouth off a good deal, and did not shoot his pistol off in the Massacre. Joe has behaved first rate during this whole affair. Chivington reports five or six hundred killed, but there were not more than two hundred, about 140 women and children and 60 Bucks. A good many were out hunting buffalo. Our best Indians were killed. Black Kettle, One Eye, Minnemic and Left Hand. Geo. Pierce of Co. "F" was killed trying to save John Smith. There was one other of the 1st killed and nine of the 3rd all through their own fault. They would get up to the edge of the bank and look over, to get a shot at an Indian under them. When the women were killed the Bucks did not seem to try and get away, but fought desperately. Charly Autobeee wished me to write all about it to you. He says he would have given anything if you could have been there. I suppose [Joe] Cramer has written to you, all the particulars, so I will write half. Your family is well. Billy Walker, Co. Tappan, Wilson (who was wounded in the arm) start for Denver in the morning. There is not news I can think of. I expect we will have a hell of a time with Indians this winter. We have (200) men at the post - Anthony in command. I think he will be dismissed when the facts are known in Washington. Give my regards to any friends you come across, and write as soon as possible.

Yours, SS
(signed) S.S. Soule

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The Life of Silas Soule - Sand Creek Massacre National Historic Site (U.S. National Park Service)

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Fort Lyon, C.T. December 14, 1864 Dear Ned: Two days after you left here the 3rd Reg. with a Battalion of the 1st arrived here, having moved so secretly that we were not aware of their approach until they had Pickets around the post, allowing no one to pass out!

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Colorado Legends, poem by me (posted Oct. 29)

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Colorado Legends, poem by me (posted Oct. 29)

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Query #6: how do I feel about the "privilege" of having this cabin in my family?

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Query #6: how do I feel about the "privilege" of having this cabin in my family?

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Research on Indigenous Peoples of Colorado, Black communities, Army & Family Research

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Research on Indigenous groups in CO, Black communities, Army & Family Research

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Research on Indigenous groups in CO, Black communities, Army & Family Research

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Research on Indigenous Peoples of Colorado, Black communitieis in CO, and Family Research

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*Politics had a huge role.
*Chain of command emphasized pro British army attitudes, as Alexander of II British Corps was thought to have lacked a strong offensive attitude, thus leading Orlando to be hesitant about command decisions.
*Weather conditions, including heavy seasonal rains and thick mud made American efforts in the war stagnate.
*Despite Orlando's strong character and evidence of commitment (WWI, Sec. Staff to Gen. George Marshall, Major advancements in Artillery, etc.) multiple sources validate this was a situation where he got the short end of the stick - even though it wasn't directly his fault.
*Patton and Eisenhower felt compelled to be as aggressive as possible - so the delay of Orlando's command decision was reason enough in their minds to relieve him of command of the 1st Armored Division.

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Sketch for hand-made book about this story.

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Sketch for hand-made book about this story.

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I like the brown color of this process. It reminds me of OW's jacket and the colors of Colorado (cabin itself). The exposure is for sure darker.

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Re-print I made, Van Dyke Brown process.

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Re-print I made, Van Dyke Brown process.

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Were there more complex reasons, other than being "too sensitive" 

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Were there more complex reasons, other than being "too sensitive" 

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An essay I found in my research that discusses why Orlando was relieved of 1st Armored Division WWII.

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An essay I found in my research that discusses why Orlando was relieved of 1st Armored Division WWII.

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Query #5: How do I relate to my grandmother (Robin)? A lot of my Dad's friends & other family members say I look a lot like her around this age. How else are we similar, different? What was her relationship to Colorado?

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Query #5: How do I relate to my grandmother (Robin)? A lot of my Dad's friends & other family members say I look a lot like her around this age. How else are we similar, different? What was her relationship to Colorado?

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Eisenhower said that Orlando was "too sensitive" regarding his work in the Army. Page 1 of 2.

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Eisenhower said that Orlando was "too sensitive" regarding his work in the Army. Page 1 of 2.

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Was Orlando more sensitive than my brother is?

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Was Orlando more sensitive than my brother is?

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On the Mexican boarder in the 9th Cavalry under General Pershing chasing Pancho Villa.

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Holding biography about Orlando's life.

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My brother, during his current deployment.

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My brother, during his current deployment.

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There is a strong family resemblance in appearance. 

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There is a strong family resemblance in appearance. 

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Orlando in his west point uniform.

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Query #4: What do Orlando and my brother have in common? How are they different? How does this relate to masculinity? 

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Query #4: What do Orlando and my brother have in common? How are they different? How does this relate to masculinity? 

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I asked my Dad to tell me a little story about Orlando. These are my Dad's words.

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I asked my Dad to tell me a little story about Orlando. These are my Dad's words.

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The Ghost Story of Ellen Gove Ward (by me).

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The Ghost Story of Ellen Gove Ward (by me).

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Generations (Working Title) Draft #2, Short Story inspired by My Mother’s ghost sighting of my ancestor at my family’s cabin in Grand Lake, Colorado

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Query #3: How can I talk about the female energy of the cabin? In particular, the ghost sighting my Mom saw of Ellen Gove (Orlando Ward's wife).  

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Query #3: How can I talk about the female energy of the cabin? In particular, the ghost sighting my Mom saw of Ellen Gove (Orlando Ward's wife).  

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Ellen Gove Ward is pictured in the middle.

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Orlando Ward (Far right, wearing jacket) my Dad is the kid wearing the red shirt, & his Mom, Robin, is holding him. I love this image so much!

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Orlando Ward (Far right, wearing jacket) my Dad is the kid wearing the red shirt, & his Mom, Robin, is holding him. I love this image so much!

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Self Portrait: Wearing Orlando's Jacket. 

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Self Portrait: Wearing Orlando's Jacket. 

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(35mm film camera, Kodak Ultra-Max 400 speed)

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Acrylic on Canvas, 18x18 inches

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About me: My name is Holly and I'm in my final year of my BFA degree. I work remotely at the SMFA Library & I also work as a vet assistant! I love animals, nature, hiking, reading, and traveling.

My relationship to LGBTQ+: I honestly don't really identify with being a part of this community as I once did (I once identified with being bi-sexual).

I've also been in a serious relationship with a man for over 3 years now. We met at a goth club in Cambridge on Friday the 13th and have been together since :)

However, I try my best to keep an open mind - hence, why I'm taking this class. I'm also very interested in psychology (have taken 2 psych classes @ tufts thus far) and it's interesting to see if certain aspects of the psychological field may apply to Queer theory/studies.

What my goals are: I want to explore themes of ghosts, supernatural experience, nature, history, army values, femininity, masculinity all in relation to my family ancestry & heritage in Colorado.

Some context: In 1896, my ancestors built a cabin in Grand Lake Colorado which sits beside Grand Lake's deepest natural body of water.  Since I was a kid, my parents have been bringing me to Colorado along with my two older brothers. I was born in Massachusetts yet my heart is also in Colorado.

The Cabin has been passed down on my Dad's side of the family for generations. It's like a museum. Not a lot has changed through the years, with the exception of electricity and an actual bathroom addition in the early 2000's (as opposed to an outhouse!).

The cabin is so special because it's basically a time capsule of my family's memories, experiences, & possessions. It's almost uncanny when I think about it. There is a certain energy to the cabin which I find myself having a hard time articulating. There are diary entries dating back to early 1900's, a wood stove still in use, old topographic maps and a wealth of family albums full of tintypes and cyanotypes.

My Dad's Mom, my paternal grandmother, Robin, also drove out to the cabin with her dog up until she was 80 years old. When she passed years ago, My Dad and I spread her ashes at the cabin and we had a celebration of her life at the cabin too. She is a very important person in my life because she had such a huge heart. She helped my family out in all the ways when we needed it; financially, emotionally, spiritually. I grew up going to her house, and eventually lived in the house where my Dad grew up. She was born in Denver, Colorado and went to college there. I also look up to her because she was so selfless in her life and always thought of others before herself. It would be great for me to make a work in her honor as well. She is Orlando Ward's daughter, just for more clarification when I get into family tree and so on.

Mediums I use: I'm new to painting within the last year, so I'll be experimenting with that. For paintings, I'm looking to create mostly landscapes. I've always been into photography and writing, so I'm looking to ways I can merge or combine these two artistic forms together.

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This is more of a stream of conscious type of writing.

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Query #1: How can I explore masculinity & vulnerability, both in relation to my Brother (in National Guard) and my Great Grandfather (Major General, Army) 

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Query #1: How can I explore masculinity & vulnerability, both in relation to my Brother (in National Guard) and my Great Grandfather (Major General, Army) 

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Acrylic on Canvas, 18x18 inches

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Query #2: How can I use this image on my hike as inspiration? How can I create a new world?

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Query #2: How can I use this image on my hike as inspiration? How can I create a new world?

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Garden of the Gods, Colorado Springs, CO. Taken on Susan Bretag trailhead.

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Orlando's Jacket Photo & Poem Excerpt (Draft)

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Orlando's Jacket Photo & Poem Excerpt (Draft)

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(35mm film camera, Kodak Ultra-Max 400 speed)