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Or just as likely, we've got questions and you've got answers.

Maybe it's the family you were born with; maybe it's the one you created for yourself. Maybe you look like the rest of your family, maybe not. Maybe you've had to defend your definition of family, or explain it to people who don't understand. They say that love makes a family; what does that mean to you? We're partnering with NBC's show "This is Us" on this challenge, and we want to hear about all the ways you define family - and all the messy, complicated, heartbreaking, joyful love that goes into making a family. Please share with the TODAY Parenting Team, because we're all in this together.

Thanks for joining the conversation. Remember, your photos, content and comments may be used on the TODAY show and its digital and social platforms. You must be a parent or guardian of any minor featured in any content that you post or you must have parental permission to do so.
If you have any questions please contact today.community@tidalmail.com. Join the Conversation

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Maybe it's the family you were born with; maybe it's the one you created for yourself. Maybe you look like the rest of your family, maybe not. Maybe you've had to defend your definition of family, or explain it to people who don't understand.

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Conflict is bad. Healthy couples hardly fight. These are the most common misconceptions about conflict. Because as Lena Aburdene Derhally, MS, LPC, said, "Relationships free of conflict are unrealistic." Conflict is inevitable because differences are inevitable.

Each partner comes from "a unique set of circumstances related to their families of origin, perhaps their culture, their education, friendships, life experience, emotional makeup, philosophy of life," said Nancy Gardner, Ph.D, a psychologist who specializes in couples and is certified in Emotionally Focused Therapy.

Conflict also can be great for your relationship. "[A]ll conflict is an opportunity for growth and healing," said Derhally, who specializes in couples and is trained in Imago Relationship Therapy. When couples work through conflict constructively, it's an opportunity to better understand your partner and get closer, she said.

Gardner cited John Gottman's research, which found that some couples with good, lasting marriages also had frequent arguments. The key was their "ability to repair after a conflict."

Derhally always tells her clients that it's how you fight that makes all the difference. Below, she and Gardner shared their suggestions for making conflict constructive - and for growing closer, instead of apart.
Take a timeout.
If you're feeling combative, pause and agree to return to the conflict after you've calmed down, Derhally said. Continuing to argue when you've been triggered just escalates the conflict. "When you are emotionally reactive the part of your brain that's being triggered - the brain stem - is the part that's function is for our survival." That means you're not operating from a logical place. And you're bound to say hurtful things you'll regret.
Mirror what your partner is saying.
Derhally suggested couples use "mirroring," a key component of Imago Relationship Therapy. "Mirroring is essentially repeating back what your partner said without imposing your own judgment or interpretation." This creates a safe space for your partner to feel heard, she said. Mirroring requires good listening skills and not expressing your opinion in that moment, she said. Instead, each partner switches back and forth being the sender (saying what you need to say) and the receiver (mirroring that back).
Empathize and validate your partner.
According to Derhally, these are two critical components of Imago Relationship Therapy. She defined validation as "making sense of your partner's world, even if you don't agree with them." For example: "[I]t makes sense that you snapped at me this morning because you were under so much stress at work this week." While it's not OK that your partner snapped at you, this brings understanding to the relationship, she said.

"Empathy is when you try to see things from your partner's view instead of just your own." It fuels connection. Derhally shared this example: Your partner didn't take out the trash because they're exhausted. You say to yourself: "Jane has been having a really rough time at work lately. Taking the trash out is probably the last thing on her mind; she just needs to relax tonight and unwind."
Avoid being defensive or critical.
"Any time you criticize your partner or get defensive when they bring up an issue with you, you open the door to a conflict that could have the potential to get very nasty," Derhally said. Instead, practice "empathic assertiveness": Express your feelings without being critical or defensive.

According to Derhally, instead of saying, "You are always so disrespectful and irresponsible when you don't think to call me when you're going to be late!" say, "I felt hurt when you didn't call me when you were going to be late."

Both statements get the same point across, she said. However, the latter helps the relationship. It helps the other partner be more receptive to hearing and understanding your message.
Notice your pattern, and talk about it.
Research has found that there's a pattern to most couples' conflicts, Gardner said. A common pattern involves one partner moving toward or pursuing their partner, while the other partner withdraws. The more one partner pursues, the more the other withdraws, creating a cycle.

Gardner suggested noticing your pattern and commenting on it. This "helps couples stay out of repetitive negative cycles." For instance, when it starts, the couple can say: "Oh, here we go again. This is our pattern. I am asking you to be with me [and] feeling insecure about whether you love me. You are just trying to spend some time working in the garden, which I know you enjoy. But you are afraid you might hurt my feelings, so you are pulling away from me in order to not say the wrong thing."

In other words, one person isn't to blame, Gardner said. Rather, it's a pattern both partners create.

"If the more withdrawn person can remember that his partner needs reassurance that she is loved, then they can stop the pattern. If the more pursuing partner can say she is fine with her partner doing something on his own. But [she] needs to know she is loved, this too can change the pattern."
Zero in on primary emotions.
When there is a conflict, explore your own underlying emotions and needs, Gardner said. For instance, your spouse makes plans without you. You feel angry and left out. According to Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight and founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, your anger is a secondary emotion. (Anger also pushes partners away.)

As Gardner noted, "The key to talking out the conflict, according to Johnson, is to find the primary emotion underneath the anger and to share it with the partner." So underneath your anger might be hurt and a feeling that something else is more important than you. When you share this with your partner, you're vulnerable and softer, she said. And your partner might be able to hear you. This creates an opportunity for connection. Your partner might reassure you that they love you and you're important to them. They still might pursue their plans. But you won't feel like you're not important (or loved).

Again, every couple has conflict. And it's an opportunity to get closer. The key is to navigate your conflict constructively. However, if your conflict is too much to manage, seek professional help, Derhally said. It "can make all the difference."
Couple disagreeing photo available from Shutterstock

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Why Conflict Is Great for Your Relationship & How to Make It Constructive

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Conflict is bad. Healthy couples hardly fight. These are the most common misconceptions about conflict. Because as Lena Aburdene Derhally, MS, LPC, said, "Relationships free of conflict are unrealistic." Conflict is inevitable because differences are inevitable.

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As anyone who's been in a relationship for more than a few days knows, conflicts between partners are unavoidable. They can crop up for any number of reasons, but very often it's because of some perceived inequity in the relationship. Why inequities can cause conflicts is best explained through what researchers call Social Exchange Theory. According to this theory, marriage can be looked as a barter system. Each of us strives to get certain benefits from our partner. We also understand there are things of similar value we have to give in return if we're to receive these benefits. Said another way, while we might like to do or say nice things to our partner, there are usually strings attached.

Couples make all sorts of exchanges to try to keep the relationship equitable. We may make certain personal sacrifices for the sake of our relationship and expect the same or similar kinds of sacrifices from our partner. When partners feel there is balance, that is, the amount we give is equal to what we receive, our relationship feels good. However, when one partner feels he or she gives more than is received, the perceived imbalance becomes a concern for the shorted partner, and that becomes a reason for a confrontation.

Looked at from this perspective, arguments can actually be good for a relationship. They are the primary vehicle by which we can improve our relationship. If we're unhappy with something our partner does or doesn't do, only by confronting them can we give ourselves a chance to make our needs understood. Armed with that information, partners can then make the appropriate adjustments in their relationship so that these needs can be fulfilled. Arguments also make partners come together as a couple to fix their problems as a couple, and if they're successful at it, can actually make them feel more bonded to each other.

Of course, it's not always easy to see the benefits of fighting. Relationships can go through times when partners feel like they just can't get along with each other. For example, dealing with crisis situations or entering into a new life stage, such as starting a family, can make life stressful. During these phases, the pressure each partner is living with puts a strain on the relationship,. Some couples might come to believe that their relationship has major problems that can't be fixed. They might even feel that they're no longer in love or compatible with each other. We might think other couples don't argue as much, or with such intense hostility, or they're just better at handling their problems than we are. However, going through periods of high conflict is completely normal. It happens to virtually all couples, and we're probably no worse or better than others in this regard. In fact, although we never really know what goes on behind closed doors, there's an excellent chance that the couples in our social circle argue as often and as intensely as we do, and maybe even more, all appearances to the contrary.

The reality is couples who don't have at least the occasional battle might have bigger problems than those who argue regularly. They may have issues with trust and honesty, or are emotionally disconnected and so they keep their interactions at superficial levels. Or they may avoid conflicts because they believe their issues cannot be resolved, or their communication styles may be so dysfunctional that even minor confrontations turn into major fights. Other couples, such as those who have traditional views of the roles of men and woman, may avoid certain issues because they're considered to be closed to discussion and one or the other partner is not willing to change. Whatever the reason, when a couple dismisses issues to avoid conflicts, any aspect of their relationship that causes discontent will remain unresolved. Consequently, an unhappy partner doesn't feel they have to power to make his or her relationship better.

That's not to suggest that how often we argue doesn't matter at all. Certainly if partners are constantly at odds with each other, or virtually any situation leads to an argument, the marriage might have quite a few unresolved issues. There actually is a relationship between how much fighting goes on and the psychological health of the relationship and its partners. When arguing is excessive, especially if these arguments never result in solved problems or end on a positive note, the evidence suggests there's a good chance the relationship will not last.

So how do couples know if there's too much fighting in their relationship? That depends entirely on the couple. Some people have a high tolerance for confrontation. However, others are uncomfortable with any amount of arguing, so even a moderately disagreeable partner can be difficult for them to live with. Some couples may not argue much at all, but the one or two arguments they have might be so intense that as to threaten the entire marriage. Nevertheless, for most of us, we're probably within acceptable limits if we're able to keep our disagreements in perspective. We don't allow them to interfere with other aspects of our relationship. Our overall thoughts about our marriage stay positive, we don't harbor bad feelings long afterwards, and we enjoy our partner's company during times of peace. Additionally, if we're able to hammer out workable solutions as a result of our arguments, then we're probably fighting with our partner as often as we need to.

More important than how often couples argue is how they behave when they do. Specifically, we're referring to partners' treatment towards each other in the heat of an argument. That in large part determines whether or not our communication is effective, and by that we mean it achieves the straightforward objectives of a problem and we do it efficiently. We're efficient when our disagreements are not drawn out longer than necessary, they don't move on to topics that have nothing to do with the original problem, they don't escalate to personal attacks or a rehashing of past disappointments and resentments, and both partners feel better about each other when they've ended.

Our book on marriage can be found here, and our book on emotions here.

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As anyone who's been in a relationship for more than a few days knows, conflicts between partners are unavoidable. They can crop up for any number of reasons, but very often it's because of some perceived inequity in the relationship. Why inequities can cause conflicts is best explained through what researchers call Social Exchange Theory.

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Relationship Conflict: Healthy or Unhealthy

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How to have productive conflict in relationships. Tips and priciples for healthy conflict.

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The world and our lives are changing at speeds never before experienced. The family, like everything else, has been doing its own kind of changing.

There are three facts about today's family that many of you may not know about.

1. The traditional Mom and Dad in the house raising the kids no longer
represent the majority of families in the U.S. As of 2014, the majority of families are made up of stepfamilies, singles and families living together outside of marriage.

2. Two out of three people have a step-relative. The Pew Research Center determined in 2014, 40 percent of married couples with children are stepcouples. In comparison, only 13 percent of families in 1960 were stepfamilies.

3. The divorce rate among remarriages that involve children is high: 62-74 percent .

Surprising, right?

You wouldn't know about this new shift in the family by watching mainstream TV and movies. The nuclear family is often presented as the norm although that's changing with shows like, "Modern Family." Yet, even in this show, the stepfather (Jay Pritchett) doesn't have to worry about walking on his stepson's father's toes because the father lives out of the country.

Gloria is happily accepted by her new husband's adult children and doesn't have the challenges most stepmothers have. Today's modern stepfamily usually paints a much more complex picture. Biological parents who are both very involved and often clash about parenting styles, stepparents who try to parent reluctant kids and kids who are going back and forth between two homes, trying to figure the whole thing out. The list is endless.

Unfortunately, many family therapists treat second families like first families. Given the biological differences in combined families and all the moving parts that don't exist in first families, this is a colossal mistake.

Longitudinal studies that focus on stepfamilies are pathetically sparse but we know enough to say that children almost always naturally feel more loyal to their biological parents.

As a therapist who specializes in working with stepfamilies (whether the adults are married, living together or dating) I've witnessed the many painful complications these families experience. Simply put, it's not easy to be in a stepfamily. Whether you're the kid that has to go back and forth between two homes, the parents who have to split their parenting time 50/50, or the stepparent who comes in to a ready-made system.

The jury is still out about how this new shift in family composition will ultimately impact the culture. One thing we know for sure is that just because a family becomes instant, an instant family it does not make.

"Blended" family myths, stepparents who parent before making solid relationships with their stepkids (which more often than not takes years), poor boundaries between exes, too much contact with exes, not giving the kids enough time to adjust to the new family, stepparents, especially stepmoms, who are treated like yesterday's news...all conspire to make these families very difficult to be a part of.

Friends and family don't help. One complaint from a stepparent, a complaint that would be normal and natural coming from the mouth of a biological parent, is met with, "You knew it was a package deal." In order words, put up or shut up. In other words, not helpful.

Education and support for all stepfamily members is key, not only for these combined families, but society as well.
The Glass Can Be Half Full
Stepfamilies don't need to be doomed before the bride and groom say, "I do." There are many ways to work towards having a healthy remarriage and combined family. Here are just a few tips to get started:

1. All members of the new stepfamily need to be given time to adjust to new people and new dynamics. This often takes 4-6 years. The Brady Bunch was a TV show, not a model for stepfamilies.

2. Get rid of the term" blended" families. What does that even mean? It creates an unrealistic expectation and using the term "stepfamily" works just fine.

3. Stepparents, especially stepmoms, need to stop being demonized and minimized. The new couple should operate as a team with the biological parent being the disciplinarian when possible.

4. Parents need to find partners who support rather than compete with their relationships with their children.

5. Children need to be prioritized appropriately and with patience, when it comes to accepting the new members of their family, especially their new stepparent.

The nature of life is change and we don't need to be afraid of this new face of the American family. We just need to know how to adjust and adapt to the diversity, different households and family units that currently make up contemporary family life.

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The world and our lives are changing at speeds never before experienced. The family, like everything else, has been doing its own kind of changing. There are three facts about today's family that many of you may not know about. 1.

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The Roots of Mother's Day The roots of Mother's Day in this country are based in activism. Nanci Olesen reads Julia Ward Howe's "Mother's Day Proclamation for Peace," written in 1870. A report released on April 28th describes the status of girls in Minnesota.

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Stories of nature and nurture slamming into each other, & shaping our biological blueprints.

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"My friends are the sisters I was meant to have," a woman told me. Another said that her friends are more precious than her sisters because they remember things from her past that her sisters don't and can't, since they weren't there. And a man commented that he didn't enjoy a particular friend's company all that much, but it was beside the point: "He's family."

I interviewed over 80 people for a book I'm writing about friendship, and was struck by how many said that one or another friend is "like family."

These comments, and how people explained them, shed light on the nature of friendship, the nature of family, and something that lies at the heart of both: what it means to be close.

For friends, as for family, "close" is the holy grail of relationships. (In both contexts I often heard, "I wish we were closer" but never "I wish we weren't so close.")

What people meant by "close" could be very different, but their comments all helped me understand how friends could be like family - and why I often say of my friend Karl, "He's like my brother." First is longevity. We met at summer camp when I'd just turned 15, and the seeds of closeness were planted during one of those wondrous extended self-revealing teenage conversations, when we sat side by side behind the dining hall. Our friendship continued and deepened as we exchanged long letters that traversed the distance between our homes in Brooklyn and the Bronx.

After college, Karl was the one I called at 2 a.m. when I made a last-minute decision not to join the Peace Corps. Two decades later, we were traveling together when I showed him the photograph of a man I'd just met, saying, "It's crazy but I keep thinking I'm going to marry him" - and I did.

I was there when Karl left Brown for Julliard, and, years later, when he came out as gay. Karl knew my parents, my cousins, my first husband and the other friends who have been important in my life, as I knew and know his. I visit his mother in a nursing home just as I'd visit my own, were she still alive. We can refer to anything and anyone in our pasts without having to explain.

If I'm upset about something, I call him; I trust his judgment, though I might not always follow his advice. And finally, maybe most of all, there's comfort. I feel completely comfortable in his home, and when I'm around him, I can be completely and unselfconsciously myself.

It's not that we don't get on each other's nerves. It's that we do. A cartoon about a married couple could have been about us: A woman standing in the kitchen is saying to the man before her, "Is there anything else I can do wrong for you?" I sometimes feel that whatever I do within Karl's view, he'll suggest I do a different way.

All the elements making our friendship so close that Karl is like a brother were threaded through the accounts of people I interviewed. "We're close" could mean they talk about anything; or that they see each other often; or that, though they don't see each other often, when they do, it's as though no time has passed: They just pick up where they left off. And sometimes "close" meant none of the above, but that they have a special connection, a connection of the heart.

There were also differences in what "anything" meant, in the phrase "We can talk about anything." Paradoxically, it could be either very important, very personal topics, or insignificant details. A woman said of a friend, "We're not that close; we wouldn't talk about problems in our kids' lives," but, of another, "We're not that close; we wouldn't talk about what we're having for dinner."

"Like family" can mean dropping in and making plans without planning: You might call up and say, "I just made lasagna. Why don't you come over for dinner?" Or you can invite yourself: "I'm feeling kind of low. Can I come over for dinner?"

Many grown children continue to wish that their parents or siblings could see them for who they really are, not who they wish them to be. This goal can be realized in friendship. "She gets me," a woman said of a friend. "When I'm with her I can be myself."

It would be easy to idealize family-like friendship as all satisfaction and cheer. And maybe for some lucky people it is. But friends can also resemble family by driving you crazy in similar ways. Why does she insist on washing dishes by hand when dishwashers do a better job of killing germs? Why does he always come exactly five minutes late?

Just as with literal families, friends who are like family can bring not only happiness but also pain, because the comfort of a close bond can sometimes morph into the restraints of bondage. The closer the bond, the greater the power to hurt - by disappointing, letting you down or, the ultimate betrayal, by dying. When a friend dies, a part of you dies, too, as you lose forever the experiences, the jokes, the references that you shared. A woman in her 70s who was mourning her lifelong best friend said the worst part was not being able to call her up and tell her how terrible she felt about her dying.

Sometimes we come to see friends as family because members of the family we grew up with live far away or feel too different, or are just too difficult to deal with. A woman who ended all contact with a sister explained that the option of cutting off a family member who brings you grief is a modern liberation, like the freedom to choose a spouse or divorce one. Holes left by rejected (or rejecting) relatives - or left by relatives lost to distance, death or circumstance - can be filled by friends who are like family. But family-like friends don't have to be filling holes at all. Like my friend Karl, they can simply add richness, joy and, yes, at times, aggravation, that a literal family - in my case, two sisters I'm very close to - also provides.
Deborah Tannen is a professor of linguistics at Georgetown University and the author of "You Just Don't Understand!" and "You're Wearing THAT?". Related: Interested in more Well Family? Sign up to get the latest news on parenting, child health and relationships with advice from our experts to help every family live well.

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"My friends are the sisters I was meant to have," a woman told me. Another said that her friends are more precious than her sisters because they remember things from her past that her sisters don't and can't, since they weren't there.

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Talks to watch when your family is driving you nuts | TED Talks

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We all have those moments. Watch these to see your family with new eyes.

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We've all got that friend who never paid attention to football, starts to date a new guy, and suddenly never misses a game. Or what about that former smoke-break buddy who finally quit, but says it has nothing to do with his new non- smoking girlfriend? Are these mere coincidences, or is something else at work?

Sure, relationships are dynamic, changing over time and with new situations. But are people in relationships dynamic as well? In other words: Has your relationship changed you?

Research suggests that people are very much affected by those around them, and not just behaviorally. A growing body of scientific evidence suggests that people's self concepts actually change when they're a relationship. To evaluate your own self-change, and to understand others', here's what you need to know:

1. Falling in love facilitates self-change. The experience of falling in love is exhilarating, perhaps because it promotes a startling degree of self-change (Aron, Paris, & Aron, 1995). You go from you, to a new you, one whose self-concept has integrated aspects of your partner. Your partner's achievements or sorrows are experienced as somewhat your own, and your preferences grow to embrace his or hers.

2. Some people are more prone to self-change than others. We're all affected by the people we love, but some of us more so. Evidence suggests that individuals who are high on attachment anxiety (i.e., they fear abandonment and may question their own self-worth) tend to have highly malleable self-concepts in relationships (Slotter & Gardener, 2012).

3. Healthy relationships involve self-expansion. If you've ever thought that being with someone makes you a better person, you're tapped into the idea of self-expansion, which refers to positive self-growth (Aron, Aron, Tudor, & Nelson, 1991); who you are today is a richer person with more positive aspects than before you met your "better half."

4. Unhealthy relationships might make you a worse person. Self-growth doesn't always mean gains in positive traits or behaviors (Mattingly, Lewandowski, & McIntyre, 2014). Sometimes self-growth can pull you towards unhealthy habits or behaviors, or make you more anxious, whiny, crude, or hurtful. The potential negative changes from relationships reveal the importance of your partner choice. In entering a relationship, you risk becoming someone you might not wish to be.

5. Healthy relationships can lessen bad habits. Besides self-concept growth, the self can experience pruning, or the lessening of unfavorable qualities (Mattingly et al., 2014). Maybe you were once a loud talker, a nail biter, or a heavy drinker, and being with your partner has changed those annoying or unhealthy habits. Such relationship-based pruning is considered a way of improving the self.

6. Relationships can lead to self-constriction. As much as a new love can pare bad habits, it might cut away some good qualities, too. New research suggests that sometimes being in a romantic partnership means losing favorable aspects of the self (Mattingly et al., 2014). People might become less trusting or less friendly; their overall self-concept may lose positive qualities as they become closely tied to their romantic partner.

7. Break-ups require massive self-change. It hurts, but it's true: A loss of love can mean a loss of self. Many people experience serious self-confusion ("I don't know who I am anymore") as their self-concept shrinks post-breakup (Lewandowski, Aron, Bassis, & Kunak, 2006). When adjusting to a breakup, people face the hard work of disentangling the parts of their self concept they wish to keep from those that were tied to their former partner, and are charged with the task of rebuilding a new sense of self.

It's clear that our self-concepts aren't as stable as we might think and that our significant others have a great deal of power in shaping our future selves. We are profoundly affected by those we love, responding (unconsciously) to their influence and becoming different people over time. All of this echoes the importance of choosing a partner carefully, one who has traits and characteristics that you aspire toward, so that you might change in a favorable direction.

Keep in mind that as much as you're under the influence of your partner, your partner is under your influence as well. So use your power wisely, and choose a partner who already is what you need and are looking for, so that you can devote your energy to enjoying your time together, rather than trying to change that person into someone else.
References
Aron, A., Aron, E. N., Tudor, M., & Nelson, G. (1991). Close relationships as including other in the self. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 60, 241-253.

Aron, A., Paris, M., & Aron, E. N. (1995). Falling in love: Prospective studies of self-concept change. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 69, 1102-1112.

Lewandowski, G. W., Aron, A., Bassis, S., & Kunak, J. (2006). Losing a self‐expanding relationship: Implications for the self‐concept. Personal Relationships, 13, 317-331.

Mattingly, B. A., Lewandowski, G. W., & McIntyre, K. P. (2014). "You make me a better/worse person": A two‐dimensional model of relationship self‐change. Personal Relationships, 21, 176-190.

Slotter, E. B., & Gardner, W. L. (2012). How needing you changes me: The influence of attachment anxiety on self-concept malleability in romantic relationships. Self and Identity, 11, 386-408.

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7 Ways Your Relationship Can Change Who You Are

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We've all got that friend who never paid attention to football, starts to date a new guy, and suddenly never misses a game. Or what about that former smoke-break buddy who finally quit, but says it has nothing to do with his new non- smoking girlfriend?

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When we are involved in serious romantic relationships, we find ourselves turning from a "me" to an "us". ¹ This isn't just a matter of semantics: The very nature of the self evolves through the relationship. We start to see our own self-concept as overlapping with that of our partner. ² That means that as we become increasingly committed, we find our self-concept actually changing-the "us" becomes "me". ³ But how does our self-concept change, and are these changes good or bad for us and our relationships?

According to Mattingly, Lewandowski, and McIntyre, our relationships can change our self-concepts in two ways: ⁴

First, the size of your self-concept can change. It can expand, to include new traits or to make existing traits more prominent. For example, a man may discover a passion for gourmet cuisine after dates involving the preparation of elaborate meals. Alternatively, the size of your self-concept could shrink because the relationship has caused certain aspects of the self to be lost. This can happen because the relationship has caused you to neglect certain parts of yourself. For example, a woman may no longer feel beautiful because her husband is critical of her appearance. This could also occur if you suppress traits that are discouraged by your partner, such as a man becoming less aggressive because his wife objects to that kind of behavior.

Secondly, the valence of your self-concept can change-that is, the extent to which you perceive these changes to yourself as positive or negative. The examples above include both positive and negative changes. And in fact, even negative relationship events could still bring about positive self-concept changes, such as the discovery of one's own personal strengths in the face of a relationship crisis.

Because both the size and valence of our self-concept can shift, there are four distinct types of self-concept changes that can occur as our relationships become increasingly serious and interdependent ⁴:

1. Self-expansion. We add new, positive, information to the self-concept. This can occur as we incorporate aspects of our partners' personalities into our own and engage in new and stimulating activities with our partners.²

2. Self-contraction. We lose positive self-concept content. For example, a man may be an avid baseball fan, but when his wife refuses to watch games with him, his interest wanes and being a sports fan is no longer an important aspect of his identity.

3. Self-pruning. We lose or suppress negative self-concept content. Unlike self-contraction, in which the loss of traits makes the self-concept more negative, self-pruning improves the self-concept. Sometimes just being in a relationship can lead to a reduction in negative traits. For example, those who are married are less lonely. Other times, our partners can help us purge undesirable traits, such as a smoking habit, a weight problem, or a lack of self-confidence.

4. Self-adulteration. We gain negative traits. This can occur when being in the relationship consistently changes your behavior for the worse. For example, if disagreements with her boyfriend lead a woman to criticize him, she may, over the course of the relationship, come to see herself as a critical person, especially if her boyfriend views her in that way and complains about her nagging and disapproval.

So, your relationship can change your self-concept, for better or worse. But how do these changes to your self-concept affect your relationship, as it continues to evolve? McIntyre and colleagues conducted two studies examining the connection between self-concept change and relationship outcomes: ³

In the first study, 55 adults involved in romantic relationships, 69% of them married, completed questionnaires about their self-concept and relationship at two time points, six weeks apart. Greater self-expansion and pruning in the first survey were associated with greater relationship satisfaction six weeks later. Conversely, negative self-concept change, in the form of self-contraction and adulteration, was associated with less satisfaction six weeks later. There were similar results for relationship commitment, except self-pruning was unrelated to commitment. This suggests that these self-concept changes occur throughout the course of the relationship and continue to exert an impact over time.

In the second study, 147 adults in relationships, 76% of whom were involved in an exclusive relationship, completed a one-time survey about their relationship and self-concept. Those who experienced more self-expansion and pruning and less self-contraction and adulteration -that is, those who experienced more positive and less negative self-concept change-tended to have more positive outcomes in their relationships. They were less likely to consider ending the relationship, paid less attention to alternative partners and showed a greater willingness to sacrifice for and accommodate their partners. These results also showed that part of the reason for this was that these self-concept changes were associated with levels of commitment to the relationship.

Thus, the impact your relationship has on your self-concept will in turn affect how you feel about your relationship. More than that, it will affect how you treat your partner and the efforts that you make to maintain your relationship. When your relationship changes you for the better, you'll go the extra mile for the sake of that relationship.
Gwendolyn Seidman, Ph.D. is an associate professor of psychology at Albright College, who studies relationships and cyberpsychology. Follow her on References 1 Agnew C. R., Van Lange P. A., Rusbult C. E., Langston C. A. (1998). Cognitive interdependence: Commitment and the mental representation of close relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74, 939-954. 2 Aron A., Aron E. N., Smollan D. (1992). Inclusion of other in the self scale and the structure of interpersonal closeness. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63, 596-612. 3 McIntyre, K. P., Mattingly, B. A., & Lewandowski, G. W., Jr. (2014). When "we" changes to "me". The two-dimensional model of relational self-change and relationship outcomes. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. Published online before print, doi:10.1177/0265407514553334 4 Mattingly, B. A., Lewandowski, G. W., Jr., & McIntyre, K. P. (2014). "You make me a better/worse person": A two-dimensional model of relationship self-change. Personal Relationships, 21, 176-190. Twitter for updates about social psychology, relationships, and online behavior.

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4 Ways Our Relationships Change Who We Are

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When we are involved in serious romantic relationships, we find ourselves turning from a "me" to an "us". That means that as we become increasingly committed to our partners, we find our self-concept actually changing. The "us" becomes "me". But how does our self-concept change, and are these changes good or bad for us and for our relationships?