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One in five girls and nearly one in 10 boys have experienced unwanted sexual contact, prompting calls for communities to take action to help stop violence in teen relationships.

Research from the New Zealand Family Violence Clearinghouse has found 20 per cent of female and 9 per cent of male secondary school students have experienced sexual abuse, with most cases involving a boyfriend, girlfriend or friend.

Experts have warned the prevalence of sexual violence is widespread, and say adults need to better model and educate young people about healthy relationships.

READ MORE:
* Rape culture action moved after Wellington College boys threaten protesters
* Year 9s at St Patrick's Silverstream suspended over sexual harassment of staff
* American childhood sexual abuse survivor holds free public seminars in Auckland

Maggy Tai Rakena, manager of Christchurch-based sexual violence agency START,​ said there was not one school uniform she had not seen walk through the door in her 23 years in the job.

"There would have been victims of sexual and family violence in every school in Christchurch," she said.

"It's ruthlessly democratic. It happens to anybody, anywhere, no matter what the age or gender or ethnicity. Some people are more vulnerable because of life's circumstances, but it isn't isolated down to the poor schools or it's not just in the rich schools."
Have you been the victim of teen relationship violence? If you wish to to tell your story anonymously, email emily.spink@fairfaxmedia.co.nz
Tai Rakena said she was not surprised by the research's findings, which drew on the Youth '12 survey - a 2012 survey of 8500 pupils from year 9 to 13 across the country.

In 2016, the agency saw 62 youths aged under 18, including 42 children, who were victims of sexual abuse.

An Aviva youth service team leader spokesman said there was a strong link between family violence and sexual violence.

"In some teenage relationships, there are kids who have witnessed a lot of family violence and through that they think it's the norm to have that power and control and coercion in relationships.

"We need to be educating young people on what is healthy and unhealthy in relationships . . . If these young people don't get that education, then you're not going to break the inter-generational cycle of abuse."

New Zealand Association of Counsellors spokeswoman Sarah Maindonald​ said it was crucial for parents and schools to encourage conversations about consent.

"I think schools are often quite tentative to talk about control issues . . . people get shy about talking sex. But to keep our kids safe we need to understand power and control."

Researcher Dr Melanie Beres, of the University of Otago, found violence and abuse was a persistent problem in adolescent relationships, and it was communities that needed to step up to help young people in need and prevent abuse.

Abuse could include physical, sexual, psychological, and emotional forms of violence.

"We forget sometimes that adolescents are at the point where they are exploring having relationships and sexual and romantic relationships. They tend to slip between the cracks," Beres said.

The New Zealand Crime and Safety Survey reported teenagers aged between 15 and 19 experienced the highest rates of intimate partner violence.

Twenty-one percent of women who stayed in women's refuges were in that age bracket.

Beres said society needed to rethink gender norms, as current perceptions of masculinity and femininity were contributing to the problem.

"When girls experience [violence and abuse in relationships] they are often blamed for the experience, being accused of having 'asked for it', while boys' behaviour is often excused or minimised."

Southland Help Rape and Abuse Support Centre manager Sue Swinbourne said it was often hard for males to seek help, especially if they were young.

"The hard part is getting them to engage in a process that is sustainable. A number of young people come to our attention to receive counselling, but often do not want to engage or only engage for short periods of time."

New Zealand Secondary Principals' Council Canterbury representative and Darfield High School principal James Morris said the difficulty for schools - and the community - was that abuse was often hidden.

"For a range of reasons, people are too ashamed to talk about it or too scared to talk about it so, if it's happening in the context of an adolescent relationship, then the school may not even be aware that it's there."
Where to get help, sexual violence
Rape Crisis - 0800 88 33 00 (24hr service), click link for information on local helplines
Victim Support - 0800 842 846 (24hr service)
The Harbour, online support and information for people affected by sexual abuse
Women's Refuge (Females only) - crisis line available on 0800 733 843
Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse Trust (Males only), Helplines across NZ, click to find out more
Help Auckland's free 24/7 support line - all 09 623 1700

If you are in danger, or are being subjected to sexual violence, call 111.

- Stuff

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Violence, abuse prevalent in teenage relationships across New Zealand

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One in five girls and nearly one in 10 boys have experienced unwanted sexual contact, prompting calls for communities to take action to help stop violence in teen relationships. Research from the New Zealand Family Violence Clearinghouse has found 20 per cent of female and 9 per cent of male secondary school students have experienced sexual abuse, with most cases involving a boyfriend, girlfriend or friend.

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Wednesday, 31 May 2017 8:42am

Violence and abuse in teenage relationships is a serious problem in New Zealand but does not receive the same level of attention as violence in adult relationships, an Issues Paper released today says.

"Adolescence is a key time to intervene and support young people to build healthy relationship skills," author Dr Melanie Beres of the University of Otago says in the paper, released by the NZ Family Violence Clearinghouse.

The paper found:

29 per cent of New Zealand secondary students reported being hit or harmed by another person in the previous year (Youth 2012 study)

20 per cent of female and 9 per cent of male secondary school students reported having experienced unwanted sexual behaviour in the previous year. The majority of incidents were perpetrated by a boyfriend, girlfriend or friend.

21 per cent of women who stayed in women's refuges were aged 15-19 years.

Dr Beres says prevention is key to addressing this problem.

"A key part of prevention is transforming the underlying gender norms that shape and enable abuse. For example, boys are taught to be tough, strong and in control. They are taught that they should want sex and it's their job to initiate and 'get' it."

"There have been numerous examples of this in the media in recent months. We need to provide alternative norms about both masculinity and femininity that value non-aggression and respect in boys while allowing for vulnerability."

"Efforts need to address all levels of society, from national policy and community norms to schools programmes and family awareness."

"Prevention and intervention efforts need to draw on international evidence of what works, but also work closely with local communities.

"Kaupapa Māori approaches to building healthy relationships and addressing adolescent relationship abuse also need to be developed."

The New Zealand Family Violence Clearinghouse is the national centre for family and whānau violence research and information. It is funded by Superu, managed by Auckland UniServices Ltd. and hosted by the University of Auckland.

Read the full paper.

For more information, contact:

Dr Melanie Beres
Department of Sociology, Gender and Social Work
University of Otago
Tel 03 479 8736
Email melanie.beres@otago.ac.nz

A list of Otago experts available for media comment is available elsewhere on this website.

Electronic addresses (including email accounts, instant messaging services, or telephone accounts) published on this page are for the sole purpose of contact with the individuals concerned, in their capacity as officers, employees or students of the University of Otago, or their respective organisation. Publication of any such electronic address is not to be taken as consent to receive unsolicited commercial electronic messages by the address holder.

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Research calls for action on adolescent relationship violence

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Wednesday, 31 May 2017 8:42am Violence and abuse in teenage relationships is a serious problem in New Zealand but does not receive the same level of attention as violence in adult relationships, an Issues Paper released today says.

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New research from the New Zealand Family Violence Clearinghouse has shown one in five girls and nearly one in 10 boys have experienced unwanted sexual contact.

Researcher Dr Melanie Beres, of the University of Otago, says the findings show abuse is a persistent problem in adolescent relationships.

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Violence in teenage relationships a persistent problem

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New research from the New Zealand Family Violence Clearinghouse has shown one in five girls and nearly one in 10 boys have experienced unwanted sexual contact. Researcher Dr Melanie Beres, of the University of Otago, says the findings show abuse is a persistent problem in adolescent relationships.

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Violence and abuse in teenage relationships is a serious problem in New Zealand and needs to get more attention, an Otago University paper says.

The paper found that 29 percent of secondary school students reported being hit or harmed over the previous year.

Twenty percent of female students and 9 percent of males said they had experienced unwanted sexual behaviour, with most incidents perpetrated by a friend.

As well, among those staying in women's refuges, 21 percent were aged 15 to 19.

The paper says the issue of adolescent relationship violence doesn't attract the attention that violence in adult relationships gets.

Author Dr Melanie Beres says prevention is key to addressing the problem, including changing underlying gender norms that shape and enable abuse.

She cites the example of boys being taught to be tough, strong and in control.

"They are taught that they should want sex and it's their job to initiate and 'get' it," she said.

"We need to provide alternative norms about both masculinity and femininity that value non-aggression and respect in boys while allowing for vulnerability."

Dr Beres, from Otago's Department of Sociology, Gender and Social Work, said prevention and intervention needed to target all levels of society.

She said efforts should draw on international evidence of what was successful, but also work closely with local communities.

The paper was released by NZ Family Violence Clearinghouse, the national centre for family violence research and information.

NZN

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Abuse in teen relationships a problem in NZ - study

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Violence and abuse in teenage relationships is a serious problem in New Zealand and needs to get more attention, an Otago University paper says. The paper found that 29 percent of secondary school students reported being hit or harmed over the previous year.

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Abusive Romantic Relationships | Unhealthy Teen Relationships

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If you are in a relationship, see how many of the items below apply to you. If 2 or more items apply to you, you could be in an abusive relationship.

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https://nzfvc.org.nz/news/preventing-adolescent-relationship-abuse-new-nzfvc-issues-paper

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One winter day during my junior year, I found out that he had cheated on me again. I broke up with him during lunchtime. He became enraged as I walked away to my class but he didn't follow me. After class had begun, I heard the door swing open, which was at the front of the classroom.

My heart sank.

He stayed at the door and looked toward the teacher and said to him in front of the whole class, "I need to speak to that fucking whore right there."

He pointed at me, then he turned to me and said, "Bitch, get your fucking stupid ass out here now."

Everybody turned and looked at me in shock but nobody said a word. The teacher said nothing. I have never been so humiliated in my life. In that moment, I had two choices: I could either sit there and continue to be belittled in front of everyone because he wasn't going to leave, and nobody else was going to say or do anything, or I could walk out and be shamed anyway because I had given into his threats.

I wanted to disappear.

I walked out because I was mortified. I never imagined such shame and at 15 years old, understood it even less. As we walked down the hall, he spit in my face, pulled my necklace off my neck, threw it in the trashcan and he threw me up against the lockers. He threatened me.

It was in those moments when I felt most alone. It was those incidents that left long-lasting emotional scars. My dignity was stripped and self-worth eroded.

My story begins at the age of 14 and continues off and on until I was 22. Mine is a story of emotional, psychological, and physical abuse.

It didn't begin immediately, in fact, there weren't any signs until we had been dating for almost a year. The signs weren't obvious, especially to a 14 year-old, but it began with him telling me he didn't like the shirts I wore, or that my skirt was too short; at the time, it was easy to mistake jealousy and control for adoration. It soon progressed to name-calling, insults, unfounded accusations, degradation, humiliation, and isolation. The first step in domestic violence is to charm the victim; the second is to isolate the victim. Once it begins, it will continue to get worse.

I began believing I deserved the abuse, and thought everybody else believed I was who he said I was. The hell became so familiar that it was easier to stay rather than leave. It was easier to live with the shame and guilt in secrecy. It was easier to stay and suffer in private than to try to leave and be humiliated in public.

I was stuck in a psychological trap and didn't know where to turn, nobody could help me.

I tried to leave a few times, he would threaten to commit suicide, or worse. The relationship took an emotional toll to the point where I was getting severe panic attacks. I ended up in the hospital a few times and was put in counseling but I never spoke about the abuse. I didn't want anybody to know. I lied for and about him.

I told nobody.

Nobody knew I had been threatened with a gun.

Nobody knew I had been punched so hard I was almost knocked out.

Nobody knew about the head butts each time he didn't agree with something I did or didn't do.

Nobody knew the reason my windshield had shattered was because he had punched it in a fit of rage over what I had worn to school that day.

Nobody knew about the many deliberate close call, head-on collisions while he was threatening to "kill us both."

Finally, after almost eight years of abuse, I knew I had to leave. Not because of some fight or big blowout, I was just done. I was tired. I can't explain it. I just didn't want to feel that way any longer.

I knew if I stayed, all of those dreams I had when I was a little girl would never be realized. I knew that if I continued on this path, I might never see the light through the darkness. I was broken and knew only I could fix myself. So I did. I broke up with him and moved out of the state a week later. I knew if I didn't leave I could fall back into the cycle. I knew if I wanted any life at all, I had to choose me no matter what the cost.

I had to get far away and start over.

It took many years to repair the mental and emotional damage, but I'm here to say that it is possible. I am not bitter or resentful, I forgave him the day I left, but I knew I wanted more out of life. Although I had been stripped of all remnants of self-worth, I found an ounce of esteem that told me I deserved better.

Physical abuse is dangerous but psychological abuse is deeply-rooted.

In those moments, I desperately needed somebody who understood. Somebody who could guide me back to myself, my voice, and my truth. But I chose to keep my secret hidden, I chose to protect the people I loved, I chose to find my own way. It took years to heal, but I did it. I found my voice and rebuilt my foundation on self-acceptance and self-love. I now live an extraordinary life full of purpose, with a grand vision to change the world. I have married the man of my dreams which would not have been possible if I hadn't worked to change my beliefs about myself.

Today, my mission is to help survivors of domestic violence reclaim their power, forgive themselves, repair their brokenness, heal their soul, and discover their magic.

For all of those times he said I was ugly and worthless, I have made it my mission. For all of those times he called me a tramp and a whore, I have made it my mission. All of those times he felt strong because I looked weak, only made me stronger. And for all those times he tried to strip me of my spirit and I felt I had no value, I made it my mission. Although domestic violence defines you in ways beyond comprehension, I will only allow it to push me further than I ever dreamed, beyond all doubts and fears, and towards my bliss.

Teen Dating Violence is much more common than we think.

* 1 in 10 teens reported being hit or physically hurt by a boyfriend/girlfriend
* Across studies, 15-40% of youth report perpetrating some form of violence towards a dating partner
* Perpetrating dating violence in adolescence increases the risk of perpetrating violence toward a partner in adulthood
* Exposure to dating violence significantly affects a range of mental and physical health problems

If you are in an abusive situation, please seek help.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-7233
http://www.thehotline.org/help/

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teen dating violence awareness and prevention month

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One winter day during my junior year, I found out that he had cheated on me again. I broke up with him during lunchtime. He became enraged as I walked away to my class but he didn't follow me. After class had begun, I heard the door swing open, which was at the front of the classroom.

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http://kidshealth.org/en/teens/abuse.html

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https://www.mentalhelp.net/articles/protecting-teens-from-abusive-relationships-and-dating-violence/

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http://www.stuff.co.nz/national/crime/91526168/domestic-violence-in-teen-relationships-not-being-reported-police

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http://areyouok.org.nz/family-violence/statistics/

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Girls from three Wellington secondary schools are planning to protest rape culture in the wake of a scandal at Wellington College involving rape 'jokes'.

The protest also follows the suspension of four year 9 students earlier in the week at St Patrick's College Silverstream in Upper Hutt following an incident of sexual harassment towards two female staff members, which involved inappropriate filming of the women.

Protest organiser Mia Faiumu, a year 13 student at Wellington East Girls' College, said the protest - which so far has 250 interested attendees - was originally planned to take place outside Wellington College but was moved in the interests of safety after she said students online threatened "jokingly" to run over protesters.

She said there was a need to open up a bigger conversation around consent and the normalisation of rape culture.
READ MORE:
* Editorial: Schools need to show young males that rape "jokes" are intolerable
* Year 9s at St Patrick's Silverstream suspended over sexual harassment of staff
* Investigation launched over rape comments made by Wellington College students
* I'm a rape survivor, and my teen boys are blind to rape culture
Wellington College is investigating after students made references to rape in posts on a private Facebook page, which had been circulating since Sunday.

One said simply "f... women", while another said "If you don't take advantage of a drunk girl, you're not a true Wc [Wellington College] boy."

Faiumu said the protest - organised by students from her school, Wellington Girls' College and Wellington High School - was using the media interest in the Wellington College incident, to highlight "the wider issue of the normalisation of rape culture in secondary schools".

The action was was meant to foster a larger discussion around the need for compulsory education on consent, especially in boys' schools.

Faiumu said boys who partook in rape culture needed to acknowledge there would be consequences.

* The protest is planned to begin at 4.30pm on Monday at Parliament and will then head to Civic Square.
WELLINGTON COLLEGE STATEMENT
"We realise there is a high level of interest in what has happened at Wellington College and we are concerned to address the issues that have led to the behaviour. As we have said consistently, what has happened is deplorable, appalling and not part of our school's values," a statement released by the school late Thursday read.

"We are working through a process with the boys involved and equally important with our wider school community. We have met ... with Sexual Abuse Prevention to continue to strengthen our programmes designed to educate the boys about healthy relationships and consent.

"The Sexual Abuse Prevention team have been working in our school for more than a year. Their expertise and knowledge is a valuable part of our health education programme and we intend to build on this in the coming year.

"We understand and respect people's right to express their strongly held points of view. Our primary focus is on taking the events of the past few days, learning from them and continuing to support our boys to grow into responsible strong boys."

- Stuff

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Rape culture action moved after Wellington College boys threaten protesters

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Girls from three Wellington secondary schools are planning to protest rape culture in the wake of a scandal at Wellington College involving rape 'jokes'. The protest also follows the suspension of four year 9 students earlier in the week at St Patrick's College Silverstream in Upper Hutt following an incident of sexual harassment towards two female staff members, which involved inappropriate filming of the women.

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Abusive relationships are sadly common. Here's how they often happen.

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Jennifer Gómez never forgot about her high school boyfriend after graduation. He haunted her in nightmares even after she moved away and changed her name. She says she would wake up with the memory of the abuse he inflicted on her fresh on her mind.

A few years later, he tracked her down online. "We had a phone conversation," Gomez says. "He hadn't realized, for all these years, everything he'd done to me. He was living with the memory of the ideal us, how much he loved me. He didn't have the realization of him being this monster to me. He has to live with the fact that he's a monster in my eyes. I think that's probably very difficult."

Jennifer is now studying to become a psychologist, and she's worked with teenaged girls to help them learn how to avoid abusive relationships.

Abusive behavior between teenaged guys and girls is common these days, as Jennifer and several experts told WebMD.

Some guys may have wrong ideas about abuse in relationships. For starters, abuse doesn't just mean hitting or shoving. Many other behaviors actually count as abuse, some of which may surprise you.

Also, both guys and girls can be abusive. And behaviors that many teens think are normal actually aren't cool at all.

But it's not hard to avoid bad behavior, whether you're dating, hooking up, or hanging out (and whether you consider yourself straight, gay, or any other category).

By recognizing abusive behavior, you can stay out of trouble, protect the people around you, and set yourself up to do well in the dating world later in life.

About 9% of teens are the victim of physical violence from a dating partner each year, according to the CDC. But much of the abuse that goes on between teens may not be physical, says Elizabeth Miller, MD, PhD, a doctor at the University of Pittsburgh who focuses on teen dating violence.

Very common problems in teens include:

Emotional abuse. This includes hurting someone's feelings on purpose.

Verbal abuse. Yelling, making threats, or mocking the person you're with counts as verbal abuse.

Controlling behavior. Calling a girlfriend repeatedly to ask where she is, telling her who she can hang out with, or reading her texts or checking her cell phone without her permission isn't cool.

Continued

Also, pressuring or forcing someone into a sexual situation against her or his will is a serious form of abuse.

These days, some teens may see abusive behaviors as normal. Recent research shows that young male athletes may notice abusive behaviors less over the course of a sports season, and feel less inclined to speak up when they see abusive behaviors, Miller says. Jennifer Gómez says she was surprised how many teens -- of both genders - thought it was OK for girls to hit guys.

And after the story involving singers Chris Brown and Rihanna hit the news a few years ago, Emilio Ulloa, PhD -- another dating violence expert -- noticed that plenty of high-schoolers assumed that Rihannahad done something wrong. Teens he talked to said some of their friends "immediately asked questions about what Rihanna did to upset him, like 'What kind of women is she? Why did she disrespect him?'"

Teens may do abusive things for many reasons. Some grow up in cultures that urge the men to be strong, which some guys confuse with being aggressive or controlling, says Ulloa, who researches dating violence at San Diego State University.

Sometimes teens pick up habits that they think are signs of love, but are actually controlling, like asking their girlfriends for their Facebook password. But jealous behaviors can start you on the path to physical types of abuse, Ulloa says. And, according to the CDC, people who think it's alright for their friends to engage in dating violence are much more likely to get involved in it themselves.

Continued

Here's how you can make the right choices while dating to protect yourself from being either the source or the victim of dating violence.

Get good practice. Even if you think you know what you're doing when it comes to these matters, the teen years are the time to learn the rules about dating. In some ways, you're getting practice for later relationships. "I think in some sense that this is the time when really good behaviors or bad behaviors can set in," Ulloa says. Now's a good time to make a habit of doing things that your dates will appreciate.

Know that abuse can mean big trouble. In some areas, crimes that are dating-related come with an extra penalty, Gómez points out. For example, if you key a girlfriend's car, you could be looking at vandalism and additional teen relationship violence charges. And of course, hitting someone, slapping someone, or having sex with someone who has said "no" can bring serious legal action no matter where you live.

Listen to yourself. Know your own boundaries, Miller says. If you feel like an action is wrong, don't do it - no matter what. If someone you like hits you or snoops in your email, you shouldn't do it in return. Your friends might tell you "put your woman in line, she shouldn't do that, and you should take control," Ulloa says. Ignore them and be your own man. And if the person you're dating is abusive, don't tolerate it, either.

Look at a healthy relationship. Sometimes knowing what's normal and what's unhealthy can be hard, Miller says. If you aren't sure how you should act, ask an adult you trust. A coach, teacher, your parents, or a friend's parent may be able to help you make the right choice. (Bonus points if you seek advice from an adult who shows respect toward other people and seems to know how to keep a healthy relationship).

Do something. If a friend or classmate is verbally or physically abusing someone, look for a safe way to put a stop to the situation, Miller says. For example, start speaking to the abuser to create a distraction. Or let an adult know what's happening if it's not safe for you to get involved. By taking action, you'll be doing your bit to remind everyone that abuse shouldn't be tolerated.

Remember you can't control everything. If someone you like or love wants to stop seeing you, all the pleading, watching, and controlling in the world won't make this person yours, Gómez says. "No matter how much you try to control someone, in the end you just can't." If you can't trust someone - either because she isn't trustworthy or you're insecure when she's away - you may need to let the relationship go.

If someone is abusing you, it's time to get help, come up with a plan to keep yourself safe (since an abuser may become more violent at this time), and get out, Gomez says.

If you're facing an immediate threat to your safety, you can call 911. If you see warning signs that you're being abused in a relationship in general, talk to an adult you trust, or, Miller says, try one of these web sites:

Or call the National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline: 866-331-9474.

Sources

SOURCES:

Elizabeth Miller, MD, PhD,chief, division of adolescent medicine, Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh.

Emilio Ulloa, PhD, director of psychology undergraduate advising and programs, department of psychology, San Diego State University.

Jennifer Gómez, doctoral student.

CDC: "Dating Violence Facts."

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Jennifer Gómez never forgot about her high school boyfriend after graduation. He haunted her in nightmares even after she moved away and changed her name. She says she would wake up with the memory of the abuse he inflicted on her fresh on her mind. A few years later, he tracked her down online.

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Fifteen-year-olds in New Zealand are reporting the second-highest rate of bullying out of 51 countries - a statistic the Children's Commissioner has blasted as "utterly unacceptable and deeply disturbing".

The finding is included in the third volume of data to be published from the OECD's latest three-yearly survey as part of the Programme for International Student Assessment (Pisa) carried out in 2015.

Survey answers from New Zealand showed just over a quarter of the students taking part reported being subject to some type of bullying at least a few times a month.

That included 6.7 per cent who reported being hit or pushed around by other students, 8.3 per cent who were threatened, and 6.3 per cent who said other students took or destroyed things that belonged to them.
READ MORE:
* NZ improves in international rankings for reading, maths, and science
* Comedian opens up about bullying
* Mother's fears for her daughter's life
* Living with the consequences of bullying
Pisa considered just under one in five New Zealand students as meeting the criteria for being described as frequently bullied, compared to the OECD average of 8.9 per cent.

Among the Kiwi students, 12.8 per cent reported being left out or having students spread nasty rumours about them, and 17.4 per cent said other students made fun of them.

Children's Commissioner Judge Andrew Becroft said bullying rates in New Zealand were unacceptably high and should cause deep shame.

"It's utterly unacceptable and deeply disturbing to see the relatively high rates of reported bullying, relative to the rest of the world," Becroft said.

Asked whether he thought the report gave a fair indication of rates of bullying in New Zealand compared to other countries, he said it was a fair question but he was not a statistician and could not comment on that aspect of the survey.

"We have to start from the fact that's what New Zealand children are saying," Becroft said.

The Pisa programme was reputable and did say that by and large New Zealand was doing "pretty well" in terms of student wellbeing. "Kids are engaged, motivated to be engaged, and supported in their achievement in school."

But the rates of reported bullying should perplex New Zealanders and cause us to ask why they were so high. "That's a question for the whole country," he said.

"Taking the figures at face value, perhaps there are echoes there of our high rates of domestic family and inter-personal violence that very often take place in the context of families and in the presence of children. That may be behaviour that's carried over into the playground and classroom."

High rates of youth suicide might also be another face of the same statistics.

Work was being done to tackle bullying, Becroft said. "There is something of a sea change going on in the schools in terms of making it absolutely acceptable to report bullying, and to make bullying something known as unacceptable."

The Pisa report acknowledged rates of bullying prevalence varied "greatly" across studies. That reflected differences in assessment approaches, as well as differences across contexts and cultures.

Pisa said that for its report, the incidence of bullying was based on reports from the victim's perspective.

Data already published from the 2015 assessment last December showed New Zealand improved its international ranking in maths, science and reading. That was based on test results from 4500 New Zealand 15-year-olds at 183 schools.

The latest publication looks at student wellbeing, overall life satisfaction, schoolwork-related anxiety, achievement motivation, sense of belonging at school, bullying, parental involvement and time outside of school.

For the section on bullying, an index was developed based on students' reports of their experiences of the six types of bullying described - being left out, made fun of, being threatened, property taken by other students, being hit or pushed around, and having nasty rumours spread about them.

New Zealand's index score was 0.61, while the OECD average was set at zero. Latvia had the worst index result, while Australia was fifth-worst, the United Kingdom was sixth-worst, and Canada was seventh-worst. Least bullying was reported from South Korea, Turkey, Montenegro and Chinese Taipei (Taiwan).

Bullying had serious consequences for bullies and victims, the Pisa report said.

"Adolescents engaged in bullying as perpetrators, victims, or both are more likely to skip classes, drop out of school, and perform worse academically than schoolmates who have no conflictual relationships with their peers."

They were also more likely to show symptoms of depression and anxiety, low self-esteem, to feel lonely, change their eating patterns, and lose interest in activities.

Bullied students tended to feel unaccepted and isolated. To reduce their exposure to bullies they often didn't take chances to make friends or take other opportunities that could help them become better integrated with their schoolmates.

Some other results from the New Zealand survey:
* 72 per cent felt anxious before a test, even if well-prepared
* 50.7 per cent were very tense when they studied
* 73.7 per cent felt they belonged at school (near the OECD average)
* 88.8 per cent said they spoke to their parents after school
* 92.3 per cent said their parents were interested in their school activities
* 45.2 per cent expected to complete a university degree
* Students reported an average of 163 minutes on the internet on weekdays outside of school, and 196 minutes on weekend days

- Stuff

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Kiwi students report second-highest rate of bullying in international study

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Fifteen-year-olds in New Zealand are reporting the second-highest rate of bullying out of 51 countries - a statistic the Children's Commissioner has blasted as "utterly unacceptable and deeply disturbing". The finding is included in the third volume of data to be published from the OECD's latest three-yearly survey as part of the Programme for International Student Assessment (Pisa) carried out in 2015.

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http://raisingchildren.net.au/articles/relationships_teenagers.html

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A number of damning statistics around abuse within adolescent relationships have been revealed.

A University of Otago paper released overnight shows nearly one in three high school students reported instances of physical violence in a relationship over the last year.

20 percent of female students and 9 percent of males said they had experienced unwanted sexual behaviour, with most incidents perpetrated by a friend.

As well, among those staying in women's refuges, 21 per cent were aged 15 to 19.

The paper says the issue of adolescent relationship violence doesn't attract the attention that violence in adult relationships gets.

Paper author Dr Melanie Beres, of the University of Otago, said there are two separate issues at play.

She said it shows "the severity of what does and can happen in adolescent relationships".

"It also speaks to the lack of support around those individuals, in terms of needing to seek that support," she said.

Dr Beres said violence within adolescent relationship often falls through the cracks.

"We think that they're fleeting and that next week they'll have a different love interest, so that also extents to the way in which adults think about violence in adolescent relationships."

Women's Refuge chief executive Dr Ang Jury said a lot of young people don't think they are being abused until it becomes physical.

"What these kids are facing to start with, is that emotional and psychological violence, and they don't necessarily know it's wrong because we don't put enough emphasis on it."

Youthline is desperate to get teenagers asking for help, with their spokesperson, Briana Hill, saying the number of adolescents abused could be worse, as they know young people in New Zealand constantly downplay what's going on in their lives.

"One in two young people in New Zealand don't think their problems are big enough to ask for help.

"There's a lot of stuff in sexual violence that's tied up in shame, particularly when somebody has been through something quite traumatic."
Police advice for people in family violence situations
- In an emergency dial 111 and ask for the Police.

- If you or anyone you know is a victim of violence, talk to police or someone who can help.

- If you are concerned about your safety, you (or family or friends) can request information relating to the violence history of a new partner through the Family Violence Information Disclosure Scheme

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Revealed: Damning stats show teenage abuse a serious problem in NZ

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A number of damning statistics around abuse within adolescent relationships have been revealed. A University of Otago paper released overnight shows nearly one in three high school students reported instances of physical violence in a relationship over the last year.

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For the strength of the pack is the wolf, and the strength of the wolf is the pack."

Friendships have the strength to make or break our school years. We know what a powerful influence our peers can be in our formative years, with both positive and destructive behaviours being " contagious".

Not only that, our friends can make our health, a new study has found.

The research, published in Psychological Science, found that our future health can be predicted by our close friendships in high school.

The study also found that being a part of the pack in high school made for stronger health down the track.

"These results indicate that remaining close to - as opposed to separating oneself - from the peer pack in adolescence has long-term implications for adult physical health," said lead researcher Joseph Allen, a psychological scientist at the University of Virginia. "In this study, it was a robust predictor of increased long-term physical health quality."

To come to these conclusions, Allen and his team followed 171 13-year-olds until they were 27.

From 13 to 17, the teens and their nominated best friend filled out questionnaires about the quality of their relationship, including trust and communication. They also answered questions about how much they attempted to fit in amongst their peers.

"Peer relationships provide some of the most emotionally intense experiences in adolescents' lives, and conformity to peer norms often occurs even when it brings significant costs to the individual," the researchers explained.

"Cross-cultural research has found that an approach to social interactions that emphasises placing the desires of one's peers ahead of one's own goals - much as adolescents do when they conform to peer norms - is linked to reduced life stress."

Between the ages of 25 and 27, they participated in annual health checks that also evaluated BMI, mental and emotional health.

Those with high-quality friendships and more drive to fit in were found to be healthier, mentally and physically.

"Although autonomy-establishing behaviour is clearly of value in modern Western society, in which daily survival threats are minimal, it may have become linked to stress reactions over the course of human evolution, when separation from the larger human pack was likely to bring grave danger," Allen writes.

"From a risk and prevention perspective, difficulty forming close relationships early in adolescence may now be considered a marker of risk for long-term health difficulties."
Head to our Facebook page for more from Stuff Life & Style
- Sydney Morning Herald

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Our teenage friendships can make or break our health, study says

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For the strength of the pack is the wolf, and the strength of the wolf is the pack." Friendships have the strength to make or break our school years. We know what a powerful influence our peers can be in our formative years, with both positive and destructive behaviours being " contagious".

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"Serious acts of bullying" by senior Nelson College students, allegedly organising fights between younger boys, have seen several being stood down.

The incidents - which are understood to have taken place in term one at the college's Fell House boarding hostel - involved 13 boys, including three Year 13 students. At least one of those senior students is believed to be a member of the college first XV.

The college said the incidents were reported to senior administrators at the school last week.

Sources at the college rejected suggestions of a "fight club" scenario, but said it was a group of junior students being encouraged by two seniors to fight after lights out.

It is understood that the late-night fights occurred "half a dozen times" and had stemmed from the junior students trying out moves from judo lessons they had attended with a staff member.

The college said after the allegations were investigated one Year 13 student had been removed from boarding and suspended from school pending a Board of Trustees hearing.

Another Year 13 student was removed from boarding and sanctioned, while one Year 13 student was stood down from boarding and penalised.

It is understood one of the sanctions relates to student involvement in the college's rugby programme.

Nelson College released a statement from headmaster Gary O'Shea and board of trustees chairman Dennis Christian on Wednesday, which was sent to parents and staff.

"The incidents were serious acts of bullying perpetrated by a small number of senior boys and in no way represents the values and core culture of the school or our boarding institution," it read.

"We are devastated that a small group of boys have failed to assimilate any of this message, which in turn has had a negative impact on some of our junior boarding students."

The statement goes on to say that "significant correspondence" with the affected parents had occurred and appropriate support and guidance for the junior students involved had been put in place.

The college was also considering the most appropriate way to involve the police.

Parents and students would have an opportunity to contribute to any future discussions regarding the eradication of bullying at the school.

"Such matters are deeply unsettling to any school community and we very much hope to be able to move on from this in the most constructive possible way."

The college said it would investigate the issue further "to ensure that these or similar matters cannot occur again".

Some students have expressed their disappointment with the college's disciplinary decisions.

Social media posts on the college's Facebook page have called for at least one of the students to be reinstated.

One of the students stood down declined to comment.

However, one Fell House student said he disagreed with the outcome and that any instances of fighting were something the Year 9 students had organised themselves and were not forced to take part.

"[One] kid that got kicked out was a nice guy and a devoted rugby player - there was no bullying ," the student said.

The college said it would "reinforce and strengthen our anti-bullying message and continue to emphasise on respect, compassion, tolerance and empathy in all aspects of College life communicated through our assemblies, classes, programmes and activities."

The college was in the news this week after the board trespassed Nelson lawyer John Fitchett from its meetings.

Fitchett's brother, Steve Fitchett, was unjustifiably dismissed by the college in April last year after 26 years of service.

Steve Fitchett has since laid a complaint with the board about headmaster Gary O'Shea, alleging bullying and fraudulent behaviour.

- Stuff

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Nelson College students stood down over 'serious bullying'

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"Serious acts of bullying" by senior Nelson College students, allegedly organising fights between younger boys, have seen several being stood down. The incidents - which are understood to have taken place in term one at the college's Fell House boarding hostel - involved 13 boys, including three Year 13 students.

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It Feels Like Love - But Is It?

It's totally normal to look at the world through rose-colored glasses in the early stages of a relationship. But for some people, those rose-colored glasses turn into blinders that keep them from seeing that a relationship isn't as healthy as it should be.

What Makes a Healthy Relationship?

Hopefully, you and your significant other are treating each other well. Not sure if that's the case? Take a step back from the dizzying sensation of being swept off your feet and think about whether your relationship has these qualities:

Mutual respect. Does he or she get how great you are and why? Make sure your BF or GF is into you for who you are. Does your partner listen when you say you're not comfortable doing something and then back off right away? Respect in a relationship means that each person values the other and understands - and would never challenge - the other person's boundaries.

Trust. You're talking with a guy from French class and your boyfriend walks by. Does he completely lose his cool or keep walking because he knows you'd never cheat on him? It's OK to get a little jealous sometimes - jealousy is a natural emotion. But how a person reacts when feeling jealous is what matters. There's no way you can have a healthy relationship if you don't trust each other.

Honesty. This one goes hand-in-hand with trust because it's tough to trust someone when one of you isn't being honest. Have you ever caught your girlfriend in a major lie? Like she told you that she had to work on Friday night but it turned out she was at the movies with her friends? The next time she says she has to work, you'll have a lot more trouble believing her and the trust will be on shaky ground.

Support. It's not just in bad times that your partner should support you. Some people are great when your whole world is falling apart but not that interested in hearing about the good things in your life. In a healthy relationship, your significant other is there with a shoulder to cry on when you find out your parents are getting divorced and to celebrate with you when you get the lead in a play.

Fairness/equality. You need to have give-and-take in your relationship. Do you take turns choosing which new movie to see? As a couple, do you hang out with your partner's friends as often as you hang out with yours? You'll know if it isn't a pretty fair balance. Things get bad really fast when a relationship turns into a power struggle, with one person fighting to get his or her way all the time.

Separate identities. In a healthy relationship, everyone needs to make compromises. But that doesn't mean you should feel like you're losing out on being yourself. When you started going out, you both had your own lives (families, friends, interests, hobbies, etc.) and that shouldn't change. Neither of you should have to pretend to like something you don't, or give up seeing your friends, or drop out of activities you love. And you also should feel free to keep developing new talents or interests, making new friends, and moving forward.

Good communication. Can you talk to each other and share feelings that are important to you? Don't keep feelings bottled up because you're afraid it's not what your BF or GF wants to hear. And if you need some time to think something through before you're ready to talk about it, the right person will give you some space to do that.

What's an Unhealthy Relationship?

A relationship is unhealthy when it involves mean, disrespectful, controlling, or abusive behavior. Some people live in homes with parents who fight a lot or abuse each other - emotionally, verbally, or physically. For some people who have grown up around this kind of behavior it can almost seem normal or OK. It's not!

Many of us learn from watching and imitating the people close to us. So someone who has lived around violent or disrespectful behavior may not have learned how to treat others with kindness and respect or how to expect the same treatment.

Qualities like kindness and respect are absolute requirements for a healthy relationship. Someone who doesn't yet have this part down may need to work on it with a trained therapist before he or she is ready for a relationship.

Meanwhile, even though you might feel bad or feel for someone who's been mistreated, you need to take care of yourself - it's not healthy to stay in a relationship that involves abusive behavior of any kind.

Warning Signs

When a boyfriend or girlfriend uses verbal insults, mean language, nasty putdowns, gets physical by hitting or slapping, or forces someone into sexual activity, it's a sign of verbal, emotional, or physical abuse.

Ask yourself, does my boyfriend or girlfriend:

get angry when I don't drop everything for him or her?

criticize the way I look or dress, and say I'll never be able to find anyone else who would date me?

keep me from seeing friends or from talking to other guys or girls?

want me to quit an activity, even though I love it?

ever raise a hand when angry, like he or she is about to hit me?

try to force me to go further sexually than I want to?

These aren't the only questions you can ask yourself. If you can think of any way in which your boyfriend or girlfriend is trying to control you, make you feel bad about yourself, isolate you from the rest of your world, or - this is a big one - harm you physically or sexually, then it's time to get out, fast. Let a trusted friend or family member know what's going on and make sure you're safe.

It can be tempting to make excuses or misinterpret violence, possessiveness, or anger as an expression of love. But even if you know that the person hurting you loves you, it is not healthy. No one deserves to be hit, shoved, or forced into anything they don't want to do.

Why Are Some Relationships So Difficult?

Ever heard about how it's hard for someone to love you when you don't love yourself? It's a big relationship roadblock when one or both people struggle with self-esteem problems. Your girlfriend or boyfriend isn't there to make you feel good about yourself if you can't do that on your own. Focus on being happy with yourself, and don't take on the responsibility of worrying about someone else's happiness.

What if you feel that your girlfriend or boyfriend needs too much from you? If the relationship feels like a burden or a drag instead of a joy, it might be time to think about whether it's a healthy match for you. Someone who's not happy or secure may have trouble being a healthy relationship partner.

Also, intense relationships can be hard for some teens. Some are so focused on their own developing feelings and responsibilities that they don't have the emotional energy it takes to respond to someone else's feelings and needs in a close relationship. Don't worry if you're just not ready yet. You will be, and you can take all the time you need.

Ever notice that some teen relationships don't last very long? It's no wonder - you're both still growing and changing every day. You might seem perfect for each other at first, but that can change. If you try to hold on to the relationship anyway, there's a good chance it will turn sour. Better to part as friends than to stay in something that you've outgrown or that no longer feels right for one or both of you. And before you go looking for amour from that hottie from French class, respect your current beau by breaking things off before you make your move.

Relationships can be full of fun, romance, excitement, intense feelings, and occasional heartache, too. Whether you're single or in a relationship, remember that it's good to be choosy about who you get close to. If you're still waiting, take your time and get to know plenty of people.

Think about the qualities you value in a friendship and see how they match up with the ingredients of a healthy relationship. Work on developing those good qualities in yourself - they make you a lot more attractive to others. And if you're already part of a pair, make sure the relationship you're in brings out the best in both of you.

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Does your boyfriend or girlfriend treat you as well as you treat him or her? Does your BF or GF support you in good times as well as bad? Does he or she get who you really are? Find out if you're in a healthy relationship.

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Relationship Conflict: Healthy or Unhealthy

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How to have productive conflict in relationships. Tips and priciples for healthy conflict.

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There is conflict in all relationships. And by "conflict," we specifically mean verbal disagreements and arguments. People disagree and that isn't necessarily a bad thing. In fact, you have the right to a different opinion from your partner.

Conflict Resolution in Healthy Relationships

In a healthy relationship, communication is key. When you communicate effectively, you understand your partner better and make your relationship stronger. When you can resolve conflicts successfully, you are developing a healthy, mature relationship.

While conflict is normal, it can also be a sign that parts of your relationship aren't working. If your conflict is based on which movie to see, what friends to hang out with or who should do the dishes, then use the tips below to help resolve these arguments in a healthy way:

Set Boundaries. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect - even during an argument. If your partner curses at you, calls you names or ridicules you, tell them to stop. If they don't, walk away and tell them that you don't want to continue arguing right now.

Find the Real Issue. Typically, arguments happen when one partner's wants are not being met. Try to get to the heart of the matter. If your partner seems needy, maybe they are just feeling insecure and need your encouragement. If you're angry that your partner isn't taking out the trash, maybe you're really upset because you feel like you do all the work around the house. Learn to talk about the real issue so you can avoid constant fighting.

Agree to Disagree. If you and your partner can't resolve an issue, sometimes it's best to drop it. You can't agree on everything. Focus on what matters. If the issue is too important for you to drop and you can't agree to disagree, then maybe you're not really compatible.

Compromise When Possible. Easy to say but hard to do, compromising is a major part of conflict resolution and any successful relationship. So your partner wants Chinese food and you want Indian? Compromise and get Chinese tonight, but Indian next time you eat out. Find a middle ground that can allow both of you to feel satisfied with the outcome.

Consider Everything. Is this issue really important? Does it change how the two of you feel about each other? Are you compromising your beliefs or morals? If yes, it's important that you really stress your position. If not, maybe this is a time for compromise. Also, consider your partner's arguments. Why are they upset? What does the issue look like from their point of view? It is unusual for your partner to get this upset? Does your partner usually compromise? Are you being inconsiderate?

Still arguing? If you try these tips but still argue constantly, consider whether the relationship is right for both of you. You both deserve a healthy relationship without constant conflict.

Conflict Resolution in Unhealthy Relationships

While conflict is normal, your arguments shouldn't turn into personal attacks and neither partner should try to lower the other's self-esteem. If you can't express yourself without fear of retaliation, you may be experiencing abuse. Learn more about verbal abuse and how to draw the line between it and normal disagreements.

Remember, one sign of an abusive relationship is a partner who tries to control or manipulate you. Is your partner upset because:

You went to basketball practice instead of spending time with them?

They checked your phone and didn't like the texts or calls you received?

You're just hanging out with friends but they think you're cheating?

You're not ready to have sex?

You're trying to study but they want to talk?

If you argue about these things, we encourage you to take the healthy relationship quiz to see if you are really in a healthy relationship.

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There is conflict in all relationships. And by "conflict," we specifically mean verbal disagreements and arguments. People disagree and that isn't necessarily a bad thing. In fact, you have the right to a different opinion from your partner. In a healthy relationship, communication is key.