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Post #13: How to Make Your Friends with Benefits Situation Last

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Post #13: How to Make Your Friends with Benefits Situation Last

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This article is from GQ shares tips on how to have a successful relationship as friends with benefits. One of the tips is to be with someone who you are attracted to, but with whom you do not have many mutual friends. There are many others listed. What do you think of the idea of "friends with benefits?"

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Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

A healthy "friends with benefits" situation is the white whale of sex and dating. Typically, one or both parties catch feelings and then the whole thing falls apart. But it doesn't have to be like that! It's a tricky-but possible-balance. My most successful FWB, a cinematographer I used to live near whom I hooked up with off-and-on for about two years, summed it up best in a text: "Basically the ideal FWB relationship is one where people need to fuck, live close to each other, enjoy smoking weed together and have a genuine interest in the happenings of the other person but are still too wrapped up in themselves to worry about the other person. LOL."

Before getting into the nitty-gritty of what makes a FWB work, you should have a screening process for the kind of person you want to rope in. Try to pick a person whom you're attracted to but don't share a billion mutual friends with-Tinder has made hooking up with people in your friend group inexcusable. Then look deep inside yourself and make sure you don't expect or want this situationship to bloom into a relationship on any level. Lightheartedness is crucial. Next, do a little introspection about what you want or need from this arrangement. Ask your pound pal to do the same, then discuss. Making sure you're on the same, casual page from the jump is critical.

Even after you're both clear on the boundaries of your fledgling situationship, there are still more rules: Just as in a relationship you have to actively maintain intimacy, in a FWB-ship you have to keep working to maintain boundaries. An exclusive sexual relationship that starts to involve emotional validation and hardlined expectations is kind of like an unpaid internship-and no one's got time for that.

Condoms, always. But not for that reason.

Even if neither of you is sleeping with other people, and even if you've both been honest about the last time you were tested and the results of said test, going rubber-free still feels especially relationship-y. In an FWB scenario, skipping the jimmy hat says, "We care about each other as more than friends." You're in dangerous waters.

Having a hot person handy for company parties and various happy hours is hella tempting, but resist. Introducing this person-as cool as they may actually be-to various other folks in your regular orbit crosses a line. Not that you can't take your FWB pal out in public, but non-bedroom hangs should be limited to the occasional breakfast date. Otherwise, you're dating.

Curb day-to-day communication.

Get good news? Text your best dude or dad or therapist or dog walker. Grievances? Take it to Twitter. You can't rely on your bang bud for emotional validation-even if they have given you that in the sexless friends realm in the past. There's fucking involved here, so draw a boundary.

Ban sexless sleepovers.

You wouldn't hire someone to clean your gutters and then instead have them fix your printer. Thus, don't let FWBs venture into new territory by staying over without some banging (or even just heavy petting). That breeds a different kind of intimacy, which breeds new expectations.

Seriously, don't do sex with people with colds. It may feel kind and right to bring along soup or something, but you simply cannot. Any kindness you do for your sex friend when they're ill will be perceived as a signal that you want something more, so plug up the geyser of empathy within and stick to a quick "Feel better soon!" text. Similarly, if you're the sick one, you're not allowed to request kombucha delivery or dog-walking services from your FWB. Sorry. That's what Instacart and Rover are for.

Set a time limit-and stick to it.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it, right? WRONG. FWBs traditionally work good as hell until they hit a wall, and you'll want to nip it in the bud before that. The key is to end things before they stop being fun, which can be especially tough to gauge when you're getting, like, orgasms. A good rule of thumb is five weeks-just long enough to really master one another's G-spots but not so long you start to internalize their roommate's work schedule.

MORE STORIES LIKE THIS ONE

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How to Make Your Friends with Benefits Situation Last

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Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. A healthy "friends with benefits" situation is the white whale of sex and dating. Typically, one or both parties catch feelings and then the whole thing falls apart. But it doesn't have to be like that! It's a tricky-but possible-balance.

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This writer asked experts if men and women could live in co-ed roommate situations platonically. They listed "guidelines" to follow for problematic-free living. Many of the guidelines are centered around ground rules, boundaries, and open communication. This article is two years old now, but still relevant. How do you feel about co-ed roommates?

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So, you've finally found a room you're interested in renting. The price is right, it's close to the subway, and heat and hot water is even included! The catch? You'd be living with someone of the opposite sex -- and you've seen enough episodes of New Girl to know that this kind of arrangement can come with more than a few awkward situations. But, can it be done? I asked a few experts to weigh in on whether or not men and women can live together platonically. The verdict? You can live with someone of the opposite sex...as long as you follow a few guidelines.

You might try and convince yourself that the opportunity to live in your dream apartment is enough to keep your panties on. But if the guy or girl you'd be moving in with makes your stomach do somersaults, and you're already hoping to catch a glimpse of their accidental towel slip post-shower, you should probably walk away from that deal. As relationship expert and author April Masini points out, "If you cross boundaries and have sex with [or start dating] a roommate, you will have to live with him or her after you break up, and he or she is dating other people." Do you really want to come home to see your roommate-turned-ex and their new boo cuddling on your couch every night?

Does your future roommate have a significant other in the picture? If so, is he or she okay with the fact that their spare room is being rented to someone of the opposite sex? If one of your partners has concerns about your living arrangement, how will this be addressed? Relationship and mental health expert Rhonda Richards-Smith recommends asking these questions before moving in, as well as anticipating the "what ifs" down the line. It's easy to say that neither of you would ever date someone who has a problem with your living arrangement when you both are single, but the tables could turn once a new significant other comes into the picture. Be really honest about how you'd each handle this issue if either of you find yourselves in a relationship with someone who isn't comfortable with your living set-up.

When you're talking with a new roomie about apartment ground rules, you want to be agreeable -- but therapist and clinical sexologist Dr. Kat Van Kirk says that not establishing some sort of standards for who you're comfortable having at your new space, for how long, and when, can lead to issues later on. If there are a bunch of dudes playing video games in your living room till all hours of the night on the regular, are you okay with that? Can you tolerate having your TV and couch occupied every Sunday while your female roomie and her crew watch the latest episode of Girls? Dr. Van Kirk says, "decide on how many people can visit, and how late. If one of you is going to have a romantic liaison, decide on how you will alert one another and what the protocol is for the next morning if your guest(s) stay over." If the sock on your doorknob from your college days needs to make a comeback to avoid an awkward run in for your roomie, so be it.

It might sound like overkill, but " Screwing The Rules" relationship coach Laurel House says that these conversations are essential to roomie success, especially since men and women tend to live very differently. "Address your daily habits, from what time you wake up to when you prefer to do chores, as well as how late you stay up," Laurel says. "Talk about dishes, groceries, friends, sound levels, bathroom usage (if you are sharing one), and bill paying. Be honest with yourself and with your roommate about your habits, what annoys you, and what you do that might annoy them." A few things Laurel suggests covering: the toilet seat up vs. down conversation, sex on the sofa you both use, and the level of nudity acceptable. Would you feel okay running into your roommate when he's only wearing boxers?

Therapist and clinical sexologist Dr. Kat Van Kirk explains that very often, men and women have different ways of communicating. "Good communication is probably the most important trait you should share," she says. "Sometimes women will assume that the men in their lives should just 'know things.' Other times, men will let a situation get out of hand because they don't think it's a big deal." Talk about the issue you're having with your roomie before it becomes a habit. Keeping quiet about that week-old leftover pizza box or jumbo box of Tampax in plain view is just sending the message that this is okay with you.

If you're the type of person that replays your awkward moments over and over again in your head, you might want to reconsider living with someone of the opposite sex. As Dr. Kat Van Kirk puts it, "awkward roommate interactions can run the gamut. Learn to laugh at yourself and with others. This will take the sting out of most misunderstandings."
Roomi eliminates the work and stress of finding the best rooms and roommates. Browse listings by location, price, and personal preferences, then start chatting with potential roommates directly in the app. Rent the easy way and live with people you can trust!

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You Can Live With A Roommate Of The Opposite Sex (But Read This First)

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So, you've finally found a room you're interested in renting. The price is right, it's close to the subway, and heat and hot water is even included! The catch? You'd be living with someone of the opposite sex -- and you've seen enough episodes of New Girl to know that this kind of arrangement can come with more than a few awkward situations.

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(This video does contain some language.)
HIV has such a great impact on a person because it can be spread to others and is incurable. Individuals in the LGBTQ community share their experiences with HIV/AIDS in this short video. They talk about the ways their ideas of HIV changed before and after they contacted HIV/found out their friends contracted it.

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What is it Like Living with HIV/AIDS? | Fill in The Blank

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Living Out is a website formed by three Christian men who experience same-sex attraction. It was formed with the goal of helping others who experience this attraction stay faithful to the Bible and to help Christians better understand those with same-sex attraction.These people whose stories are on the website are not actively engaging in same-sex relationships, but still feel attraction.This is a perspective I had not heard before and I found it to be interesting and unique.

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We experience same-sex attraction and yet are committed to what the Bible clearly says, and what the church has always taught, about marriage and sex. We do not identify as gay Christians, preferring to use the term "same-sex attracted" (find out why).

With friends, we've set up this website to articulate a perspective that is not often heard - that of men and women who are honest and open about their same-sex attraction, but who have discovered that obedience to Jesus in this area of life is fulfilling, healthy and authentic. We want people who experience same-sex attraction, those who self-identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual or transsexual (LGBT) or who are just questioning; their family and friends; their churches and pastors; and those investigating Christianity, to find here a plausible way of living out what Christians have consistently believed aboutmarriage and sex. Find out more

Haz clic aqui para ver la versión en español

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Christian and gay | Living Out resources, stories and questions

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We experience same-sex attraction and yet are committed to what the Bible clearly says, and what the church has always taught, about marriage and sex. We do not identify as gay Christians, preferring to use the term "same-sex attracted" (find out why).

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Post #9: How Swinging Impacts Relationships

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Post #9: How Swinging Impacts Relationships

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In this piece, four women talk about how swinging has positively influenced and strengthened their relationships. They say the benefits included better communication, sexual confidence, sexual satisfaction, enriched relationships with other, and better marriages. The last woman interviews says that swinging gave her a sense of security. Is this something you would have expected?

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For some couples, the idea of having sex with anyone other than your significant other seems unfathomable. It can be hard to understand how "swinging" - when you swap partners with another couple and sleep with someone new - can actually lead to stronger relationship bonds. But believe it or not, it can, and there are more couples interested in doing it than you may realize.

If you've ever remotely considered getting into swinging - with your spouse, significant other or just that cool friend with benefits - there are a few things you should know before you dive in. Below, four women get real about what their own swinging experiences were really like.
Nicole has been with her husband for 18 years and they've been swinging for 17.
How she got into it: "I grew up with this idea that there's not just one person for anyone and that we can enjoy being with multiple people, as well as the idea that you can have sex without having emotion tied to it. My husband knew that I was bi-curious when we met, so on the anniversary of our first date, we decided to explore and went to a swingers club."

How it impacted her relationship: "It's really helped strengthen our relationship. Not all experiences were 100 percent pleasurable, so we made an effort to have those conversations and keep the lines of communication open. When you talk about [swinging] it makes it so much easier to discuss other issues in the relationship."

Her advice to those considering the lifestyle: "For couples who are considering it, we suggest that you better have a really good relationship starting out because it doesn't fix broken relationships, it only breaks them up faster. Also, you need to have conversations with your spouse or partner before you go into it. Know your rules and limits before you get into a situation because you can't really get upset with your partner if you didn't talk about."
Jody was introduced to swinging five years ago and is currently single. She loves her work as a sex coach and says if it weren't for swinging, she wouldn't be where she is now.
How she got into it: "I was introduced to swinging by my former husband, and not in a good way. One day he forgot to log off the computer and I looked at his browser. I saw some sites that I was not familiar with, but I was appalled by what a saw. Some time later, I confronted him about it. He explained to me what swinging was, but I furthered my knowledge by reading everything I could. I then told him that if he had just talked to me about it, it was something I could be open to."

How it impacted her relationship: "[Swinging] honestly had no effect on our relationship, which ended for other reasons. Swinging changed me personally for the better. I have sexual confidence that I didn't have before. I exclusively date swingers now because I meet a much better class of men. They really honor and respect women."

Her advice to those considering swinging: "If your marriage is struggling, don't do it. It will only make things worse. If you have a good marriage, dip your toes in the water. Attend a meet and greet or other event. The swinger couples I know have absolutely amazing marriages. For a single woman, you'll meet the best men ever, but take it slow and make sure you take the usual dating precautions."
More: BDSM and Consent: What's the Big Deal? Julia Allen, co-founder of StockingsVR, was 24 when she first walked into a swingers club and has now been swinging for 25 years.
How she got into it: "My boyfriend thought it would be fun to try. We didn't do anything except dance and talk to some people the first night, but it was exciting and I couldn't wait to go back. A few months later, on New Year's Eve, we had a hotel room and invited a few people up. Well... Everyone came up. It was packed and before I knew it, everyone was having sex all around me. A lovely woman wanted to play with me and my boyfriend. I loved it. I loved watching him with her and having him watch me with her, and then both of us just getting lost in the whole experience. I loved the experience of being able to have sex outside of my relationship."

How it impacted her relationship: "I've never been tempted to stray outside of my relationship by having an affair. Swinging takes care of all of my sex needs. I really feel that it strengthens every relationship. I don't view sex as something that you only have with someone you love. Sex is recreational. I think every boyfriend I've had has felt the same way. Along the way, I started filming myself with various people and decided to take my swinging/exhibitionist/kinky lifestyle and make it full time. I guess you could say that swinging has enriched my relationships and also enriched my life."

Her advice to those considering swinging: "Don't feel pressure. Most people who are new to swinging don't actually have sex. They like to watch. In a swingers club, no really does mean no. Many times, I've had men or women approach me and if I don't feel like it, I just say no. You can explore any fantasy you have at a swingers club. I would suggest for first timers to try a larger club where there are lots of people. People who go to swingers clubs are normal people who you would never guess in a million years are swingers. About 90 percent of people who swing are married with kids and just want to try walking on the wild side together."
More: Women Don't Want More Sex - They Want Better Sex Jessica Drake, an adult superstar and certified sex educator, has been swinging since before she was in the adult industry.
How she got into it: "Depending on the state of each relationship and my boundaries with different partners, I had different experiences. In the beginning, when I was younger, it felt awkward based on my inability to be assertive about my wants and needs. It felt more like that group sex stereotype that you might see on TV or in porn... and definitely more male pleasure-centered."

How it impacted her relationship: "Sexual jealousy has never really been an issue for me, and as long as my needs are being met, I feel secure and aroused when I watch a partner enjoying someone else. I think one mistake some people make is assuming that swinging has only one meaning, but it's something that is totally open to interpretation. Some of my most intimate, fulfilling encounters lately have been 'soft swap' - meaning I have sex with my primary partner, and have foreplay only with our 'guests.'"

Her advice to those considering swinging: "If you want to start experimenting with swinging and swapping, you need to take a look at your sexual values and belief system. Compare it to the way your partner perceives things, and before you proceed, have an honest discussion. Overall, if you find yourself wanting to try this later on in life, go for it! It may reawaken you and give you a sexual second wind. It's never too late. There are people of all ages, all body types, all colors, who come from a variety of backgrounds looking for like-minded people."
More: 19 Signs You're in a Strong Relationship

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What really happens when you open your relationship to another couple

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For some couples, the idea of having sex with anyone other than your significant other seems unfathomable. It can be hard to understand how "swinging" - when you swap partners with another couple and sleep with someone new - can actually lead to stronger relationship bonds.

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Jim Halfens examines what he perceives as the dangerous effects of social media on marriage. He discusses apps and websites used to chat, cheat, and other things. What effects do you think social media can have on a married couple's relationship?

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Today I have a few questions for you: Are you in a relationship? When you are cozy on the sofa, watching your favorite TV show, where is your partner's cellphone? Is it next to yours on the coffee table? Or does he keep it in his pocket, locked with a passcode and while it rings and beeps, throughout the evening and he checks it only when you get up to refresh the popcorn? Why does it matter? Continue reading and you'll find out.

Social media is evolving at an alarming speed, with smartphones replacing simple cell phones, offering a whole new world of fast, direct and discreet communication options. Serving as multimedia datacenters, smartphones manage every kind of relationship. Social media applications lower inhibitions and barriers, making it simpler than ever to find contact nearly anyone. Why make a phone call when you can send private message with a picture or video to better engage the recipient?

Countless apps exist to exchange provocative pictures and messages, so that it is easier than ever to maintain multiple 'virtual' and real life relationships in secret. Emotional and physical affairs are now delivered on demand thanks to social media and technology. When talking with my clients the cellphone is often an important subject. Fascinated by the subject, I started to do a bit of research.

Facebook & Social Media
The website Facebookcheating.com is devoted to helping those struggling in their marriage due to an unfaithful partner's use of Facebook. The site claims that Facebook is to blame for 1 in 3 divorces. But is this really accurate? According to a Boston University study Facebook is 'a significant predictor of divorce rate and spousal troubles, in the United States'. "People who use social media are 32% more likely to leave their spouse". The researchers added: "We believe being aware of this situation will empower Facebook users to better understand the implications of their activities and then allow them to make much more informed decisions."

The Twitter effect & WhatsApp
Others are talking about the Twitter effect. A doctoral student at the University of Missouri School of Journalism, found that active Twitter users are far more likely to experience Twitter-related conflicts with their romantic partners. The research shows that these conflicts can lead to emotional and physical cheating, and even end in breakup and divorce. Outside the United States Gian Ettore Gassani president of the Italian Association of Matrimonial Lawyers, told the Times of London that 'forty per cent of adulterous divorce cases in Italy cite WhatsApp messages as evidence of unfaithfulness. Mr Gassani added: "Social media has boosted betrayal in Italy by making it easier, first through texting, then Facebook, and now WhatsApp."

Based on the research above and my own experience with thousands of distressed couples, I agree that social networking is linked to marital happiness cheating and divorce. Social media makes it much easier to have emotional and physical affairs. On the other hand times are changing and we live in a digital era where everything is accelerating continuously. Social media is increasingly a part of our daily lives and cutting off all use is not a realistic solution.
So how do we figure out what is a normal use of social media and what could spell danger for relationships?
If your partner consistently makes his cellphone invisible to you, locks his phone with a passcode or never uses it in your presence, he may have something to hide. The distractions and temptations presented by the digital world force us to work harder for healthy relationships. That is why it's essential to insist on openness and clear communication, instead of succumbing to the fantasy on your smartphone.

There is hope. We know that a leading cause of a relationship break down is the lack of communication between spouses. As a result, many are distracted by social media in search of a third person to meet their emotional and mental needs, which ultimately leads to cheating. Mutual communication and listening are the essence of any good relationship; without them separation and divorce are inevitable.
Do we all become a victim of the 'social media monster'?
Do not allow your relationship to become a victim of 'the social media monster'. My advice is to invest time in your relationship. Communicate and share what's on your mind, and even more importantly listen to your partner. The future of your relationship depends on it.

Email, tweets, likes, photos and comments can wait, especially since they are no substitution for actual human contact. And if you are just too easily distracted, there is always another option: put your phone on silent.

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Today I have a few questions for you: Are you in a relationship? When you are cozy on the sofa, watching your favorite TV show, where is your partner's cellphone? Is it next to yours on the coffee table?

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Post #7: "Why ‘Mostly Straight’ Men Are a Distinct Sexual Identity"

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Post #7: "Why ‘Mostly Straight’ Men Are a Distinct Sexual Identity"

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The article by TIME argues that there is a sexual identity not encompassed by the labels of straight, gay, or bisexual. Traditionally, the author says, if straight males held any attraction for males, they were considered gay. This attraction may not even be acted upon, only thought about. What do you think?

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Why 'Mostly Straight' Men Are a Distinct Sexual Identity

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Many young men identify as mostly straight - a sexual orientation that is not quite straight but also, they say, less gay than bisexuality

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Post #5: The Single Person’s Good Desire for Sex

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Post #5: The Single Person’s Good Desire for Sex

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This article from Desiring God discusses the Biblical idea for sexuality in singleness in a way that is different from what I have typically heard from married couples in the church. Another point made is how some couples use "it is better to marry than to burn with passion" as an excuse to rush into marriage in order to fulfill sexual needs. Have you seen this in Christian circles, or more specifically, our campus?

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Married Christians love telling single people why they can't have sex.

I can't say why. But I can say that we singles are left navigating sexual desires that are good and holy, which are nevertheless expressed and experienced by twisted and sinful hearts and minds, souls and bodies.

Singles have been given a one-verse allowance for thinking about their sexuality: ". . . it is better to marry than to burn with passion" (1 Corinthians 7:9).

I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion. (1 Corinthians 7:7-9)

An ancient command, and the scenarios which we face as singles today are arguably more difficult: "Asking unmarried singles to control their sexual impulses for longer and longer periods of time is a fairly new phenomenon in our culture. This has been brought about by an earlier-age onset of puberty combined with later-age marriages" (Balswick & Balswick, Authentic Human Sexuality, 107).

Some dating couples abuse 1 Corinthians 7:9 and wield it (and their wedding plans) to rush foolishly in lust instead of taking wise steps out of love for God and neighbor. Struggling, unhealthy couples will steal "better to marry" as an excuse to make their destructive relationships permanent, and "than to burn" to legitimize sinful actions as good and natural. We need a serious look at 1 Corinthians 7:8-9, to bulldoze through our cynicism and snide glances, and to open up our sinful impulses to critique and explanation, because God has spoken here about something that has gone nuclear in the past 20 years among Christian millennials. All while we've been laughing about or marginalizing the passage that's intended to inform and encourage us.

Below, we're going to get into Paul's very complex thoughts about the sexual desire of the unmarried Christian. But I want you to keep one thing in mind as you read (the main point): The sexual desire of the unmarried person is good, is holy, and is part of the shining creation of the image of God. Among all of the other voices, some helpful and needed (and some not), I want you, when you feel shame for sexuality or sexual desire, to be able to return to 1 Corinthians 7:9 and find peace. I want 1 Corinthians 7 to, without a doubt, be a place of respite for the unmarried Christian from shame, from self-hate, and from accusation, insofar as they feel those things about God's good creation of their sexuality. You are loved, and you have sexual desires which propel you to get married which God endorses. Remember that as we interpret the text below.

What Does It Mean to "Burn"?

It's better to marry than to burn, but is it bad to burn?

A central issue in interpreting these verses is what Paul intends by the term "burn with passion" (a single word: puroústhai, "to burn") and how burning relates to the theology of marriage that surrounds 1 Corinthians 7:8-9 (1 Corinthians 7:1-7, 10-16). Is marriage the coveted arena where each and every sexual fantasy comes to life? Is marriage a crude medium to satiate our base and carnal desire for something that disgusts God (i.e., sex)? Is burning an inconvenient reality that both God and man must shamefully and reluctantly endure until heaven?

I believe burning, for Paul, is a legitimate sexual desire among the unmarried. He states his audience clearly: "the unmarried and the widows." The danger of this interpretation is that some will inevitably misconstrue sinful sexual desires as regular and good, and assume that marriage is meant to be an unrestricted place for our unhindered sexual whims.

But Paul answers this objection in the text, when he makes the point that the Christian sexual ethic requires love of neighbor applied to the context of marriage - to love the spouse above oneself, against abusive relationship structures (1 Corinthians 7:2-4; cf. also Ephesians 5:3, 25-33). Mutual consent, healing, and concern for the other are necessary aspects of a Christ-honoring sexual relationship within marriage. It seems backward, then, that Paul would advocate entering into such a relationship for selfish reasons. "Burning," then, seems to be best understood as legitimate and holy sexual desire among the unmarried.

The Goodness of Burning

Having taken this meaning for "burning" (as legitimate sexual desire among singles), we have three anchors which give us helpful points of application for Paul's attitude toward premarital sexuality in 1 Corinthians 7:8-9. Each is a stepping stone to understanding Paul's overall attitude toward a Christian's premarital sexuality.

1. "It is good for them to remain single as I am." (1 Corinthians 7:8)

Paul is not saying that Christians should not pursue a spouse. This may be a counterintuitive reading, but we must listen to the text. We have an analogy to this way of speaking in Paul later in 1 Corinthians, when he says, "I want you all to speak in tongues" (1 Corinthians 14:5). Paul's point in 1 Corinthians 14:5 is clear. He is not saying that the whole church should speak in tongues - that's the problem he's addressing (1 Corinthians 12:30-31). Paul is saying that, for the sake of love (1 Corinthians 13), God only gave the gift of tongues to a few, so that the gift could be exercised as a gift to those who don't speak in tongues. And, while tongues is a grace given to a few "for the common good" (1 Corinthians 12:7), it is not meant to be had by all - in order that each church member should depend on the others (1 Corinthians 12:8-11). Whether you believe the church should speak in tongues today or not, Paul's teaching is clear: not everyone should speak in tongues, in order that love might prevail in the body.

Paul's language in 1 Corinthians 7:8 functions the same way. His point is that unique gifts (singleness and tongues) are great graces for him, but not for everyone (the full sense of Paul's "wish" language should be rendered "I wish all were as I am - but they're not, so they shouldn't try to be"). In fact, it was in making particular gifts (singleness and tongues) signs of a higher and more mystical spirituality that the Corinthians were oppressing one another. The unmarried became the godly ascetic. The tongue-speaker became the divine mystic. Paul writes against both mindsets.

The gift of singleness is not given to all - and, for some, to attempt to live a life of singleness like Paul, without being called or gifted, is to spurn God and try to accomplish a ministry for which God has not given you resources (hence, "burning"). If you cannot exercise control, that doesn't mean you should stay single until you don't desire sex. It means, if the other right things are in place, a spouse may be a great help to you.

2. "If they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry." (1 Corinthians 7:9)

As we mentioned earlier, Paul is not saying that marriage is the playground for unfettered sexual fantasy to become reality. It means that whatever is good about our sexuality and sexual desires (which is quite a bit) is meant to be fulfilled in marriage. Our very bodies signify the obvious: "The two will become one flesh" (1 Corinthians 6:16; cf. Genesis 2:24). Moreover, the sexual life to which Paul invites the unmarried in 1 Corinthians 7:8-9 is described only a few verses earlier in 1 Corinthians 7:2-5. "Conjugal rights" (1 Corinthians 7:3) for Paul is more than a carnal and animal reality. For Paul, sexuality is a deeply spiritual and soteriological reality (1 Corinthians 6:16-20; Ephesians 5:31-32).

How can anyone accuse Paul of reducing the value of marriage to the fulfillment of carnal desires when he just placed value on temporary abstinence within marriage? He's also just said in speaking of sexuality, "Your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you" (1 Corinthians 6:19). Paul is laboring here to present a balanced answer to a practical question asked by the married and unmarried about sex. We need patience to hear and embrace the fullness and nuance of Paul's argument.

Of course, there is no such thing as sexuality that is not tainted by sin. Everyone entering marriage is entering it with their good desire twisted into lustful and selfish forms. And yes, it is only the Holy Spirit who can bring change and healing into that. But God has created ordinances and means of grace for his church to use for restoration and healing. It's inordinately ambitious and theologically naïve to assume that healing and sanctification of one's sexuality would not be helped by marriage. Again, we need to acknowledge, like Paul in 1 Corinthians 5, that if a relationship is destructive, dysfunctional, or unhealthy, there are many times when the best path is separation and discipline, not marriage. Paul makes a basic, common-sense point: Marriage can help those struggling to remain pure with regard to their sexual desires.

3. "It is better to marry than to burn with passion." (1 Corinthians 7:9)

For the married, sex is, according to the holy ordinance of marriage, a way to combat Satan himself (1 Corinthians 7:5b). But abstinence is sometimes necessary in order to intentionally realign one's sexual activity towards God (1 Corinthians 7:5a).

For the unmarried, sex is, according to the natural constitution of human sexuality, a way to combat "burning" (1 Corinthians 7:9), but abstinence is necessary for the time in which the ordinance of marriage has not been instituted. Neither of these groups of people - the married or the unmarried - contain any members that remain unaddressed by Paul's exhortations here. For all married, they should cultivate regular Christ-honoring sexual activity and proportionate abstinence for the sake of spiritual health. Likewise for the unmarried, except their cultivation of regular Christ-honoring sexual activity takes the form, not of copulation, but of following the exhortation "they [the unmarried and the widows] should marry" (1 Corinthians 7:9). Our view of the goodness of the unmarried Christian's sexual desire points us to Paul's obvious point: "It is better to marry."

Sojourning Sexual Beings

The single person's desire for sex can be very good and God-glorifying.

Take heart, unmarried brothers and sisters. Calvin knows. Speaking of the believer who burns, he says, "Let them not despise the remedy which is offered to them. For those who are denied the power of continence [self-control] are called to marriage by God's clear word (1 Corinthians 7:9)" (Calvin, Institutes (IV.13.17), 2:1272).

Now, many of us would, of course, love to get married . . . if only we were asked.

If only she would say yes. If only, if only . . . if only. Yes, I understand. I'm single, and I want to be married. We don't have space here to get into that, but we do have one consolation from these passages: We're not dirty and sinful because of our sexual desires, and God fights for us as creatures in his image with sexual desires, while Satan fights against us as creatures in God's image with sexual desires (1 Corinthians 7:5). In our sojourning as sexual creatures in the image of God, we have a high priest who helps us and endorses our journey along the way - even as we wrestle with sin (Hebrews 2:17), so that we might "hold fast our confession" (Hebrews 4:14), who guides us along the way in perfect power and wisdom (Hebrews 8:1). May God purify, sustain, and provide for the needs of his holy unmarried children.

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Married Christians love telling single people why they can't have sex. I can't say why. But I can say that we singles are left navigating sexual desires that are good and holy, which are nevertheless expressed and experienced by twisted and sinful hearts and minds, souls and bodies.

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Buzzfeed's Boldy channel recreated ads using reversed gender roles. When men replace the women in the ads, they seem "ridiculous." What do you think this says about the reasons women's bodies are sexualized?

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If Women's Roles In Ads Were Played By Men

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Post #3:  Legalizing or Decriminalizing Prostitution

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Post #3:  Legalizing or Decriminalizing Prostitution

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Get the opinion of someone who is actually in the sex industry. A sex worker going by the name Molly Smith explains the difference between legalizing prostitution and decriminalizing prostitution. She has many ideas for ways to keep sex workers safe without restricting the industry. Do you think either one of these ideas would work well in America?

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AP Photo/Jae C. Hong

Many people have argued for years that legalized prostitution will make the trade safer and fairer for sex workers.

But legalized prostitution may have unintended consequences, a European sex worker wrote in the New Republic on Monday.

Writing under the pseudonym Molly Smith, the sex worker pointed out that many countries that legalize prostitution leave sex workers tangled up in a mess of burdensome regulations.

Smith's article proposed an alternative to legalizing prostitution and regulating it heavily - merely decriminalizing it.

In many countries with legal prostitution, like Germany, prostitutes are hampered by bureacratic regulations that turn them into criminals if they don't comply, Smith argues.

The alternative is a model like New Zealand's, which has a big focus on protecting workers' health without as much bureacratic red tape. Smith refers to this approach as "decriminalized" sex work rather than legalized sex work.

If the distinction between legalized prostitution and decriminalized prostitution seems confusing, this definition from University of Rhode Island professor Donna Hughes might provide some clarity:

Legalization would mean the regulation of prostitution with laws regarding where, when, and how prostitution could take place. Decriminalization eliminates all laws and prohibits the state and law-enforcement officials from intervening in any prostitution-related activities or transactions, unless other laws apply.

Here are some of the problems with the legalization model, Smith argues:

Widely presented as a more tolerant and pragmatic approach, the legalized model still criminalizes those sex workers who cannot or will not fulfill various bureaucratic responsibilities, and therefore retains some of the worst harms of criminalization. It disproportionately excludes sex workers who are already marginalized, like people who use drugs or who are undocumented. This makes their situation more precarious, and so reinforces the power of unscrupulous managers.

The US has actually had some experience with both models. Nevada has a highly regulated legalized prostitution system. Rhode Island also decriminalized prostitution in 2003.

According to University of California researchers, instances of reported rape and sexually transmitted diseases plummeted after Rhode Island stopped policing prostitution. Nevertheless, Rhode Island outlawed prostitution again in 2009.

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Sex worker explains the difference between legalizing and decriminalizing prostitution

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Many people have argued for years that legalized prostitution will make the trade safer and fairer for sex workers. But legalized prostitution may have unintended consequences, a European sex worker wrote in the New Republic on Monday.

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Post #2: Benefits of Extramarital Affairs

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Post #2: Benefits of Extramarital Affairs

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Christine Hsu discusses the contents of Catherine Hakim's book about "The New Rules of Marriage." Hakim argues that extramarital sex and pornography may save marriages. She believes "Sex is no more a moral issue than eating a good meal." Instead of being upset that one partner has been unfaithful, the author thinks that the other partner should try sex outside of the marriage for themselves.
This article was written in 2012, but is still a topic talked about today. Do you think extramarital affairs are beneficial or harmful?

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Cheating may be the secret to unlocking marital bliss.

This controversial advice comes from an academic who claims that a 'sour' view of cheating has weakened family life by encouraging couples to divorce.

British social scientist Dr. Catherine Hakim, author of the book The New Rules of Marriage: Internet Dating, Playfairs and Erotic Power, argues that rather than having an unyielding and intolerant opinion on extramarital affairs, British couples be more like the French and learn to be more liberal with their lovers.

Hakim says that people should meet secret lovers for casual encounters just as frequently as they dine out in nice restaurants with their long-term partners.

Hakim, who was educated in France and is also a bestselling author, compares fidelity and long-term exclusivity in relationships to "traps" which turn people into "caged animals" and advises that married couples look to the French, which she calls "masters of seduction" and "experienced libertines" who have a "philosophical approach to adultery," and loosen their opinions about sex outside of the marriage.

The former London School of Economics social scientist who also previously wrote for the think-tank the Center for Policy Studies also provoked controversy in 2011 with a book encouraging women to exploit their "erotic capita" to get on life.

In her newest book, The New Rules of Marriage: Internet Dating, Playfairs and Erotic Power, she calls adulterous affairs "parallel relationships" and "playfairs" and extramarital lovers "playmates."

Hakim claims that there "successful affairs" where both parties are happier but no one gets hurt does exist, and notes countries like France and other southern European nations with more liberal attitudes to marital betrayal also have lower divorce rates.

She also praised Japan with its Geisha culture and greater acceptance of pornography in contrast to "killjoys" in Britain and America.

"Sex is no more a moral issue than eating a good meal," she writes. "The fact that we eat most meals at home with spouses and partners does not preclude eating out in restaurants to sample different cuisines and ambiences, with friends or colleagues."

"Anyone rejecting a fresh approach to marriage and adultery, with a new set of rules to go with it, fails to recognize the benefits of a revitalized sex life outside the home," she adds.

Hakim argues against traditional morality about sex and accuses relationship counselors and therapists of trying to "pedal a secret agenda of enforced exclusive monogamy".

The internet, where people can easily find new lovers, is changing human sexual behavior on a par with the introduction of the contraceptive pill.

Adultery is now simply the "21st century approach to marriage," she wrote.

She argues that rather than growing bitter, cheated husbands and wronged wives would be better off if they accepted infidelity and tried it out for themselves.

Hakim said that having an affair often makes people "nicer" and more appreciative of their long-term partners, and may even reduce the incidence of sexual harassment cases in the workplace.

"Affairs like sex itself get a negative press in Anglo Saxon countries where they are regarded in pejorative terms such as 'infidelity', 'adultery', 'cheating' and 'dishonesty'," she writes. "It is an approach to relationships that turn marriage into a prison, by insisting that marriage entails absolute sexual fidelity."

She argues that society's puritanical views on sex in the current age will only result in soaring divorce rates and a lifetime of unhappy serial monogamy.

She recommends that people in celibate marriages alter their perception to see that their situation is something that can and should be remedied, instead of being something to put up with.

"Websites make it easy and provide mass access to finding your own mistress or lover," she wrote. "Something that used to be a luxury of kings and millionaires is now open to all."

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Could Having an Affair With a Secret Lover Save Your Marriage?

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Cheating may be the secret to unlocking marital bliss. This controversial advice comes from an academic who claims that a 'sour' view of cheating has weakened family life by encouraging couples to divorce.

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I found this image online and think it is an interesting and important thing to think about. It is originally from a group called "The Mama Effect" that focuses on preventing child abuse. The writers say that when we do not educate children about sex and their bodies, we are contributing to the "cycle of shame." When do you think children should be taught about sexuality and what should be said in order to keep them safe and aware?

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Post #1: "Cosmopolitan has the duty to contribute to a sex-positive culture"

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Post #1: "Cosmopolitan has the duty to contribute to a sex-positive culture"

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Sky Jordan examines the popular Cosmopolitan Magazine through the lens of sex-positive culture. She acknowledges the way the magazine has helped many people learn about sexuality, but argues that Cosmopolitan features unhealthy advice, over complicated sex "tips," and focuses mainly on how women can please their male partners. Jordan goes on to mention the effect of displaying overly-sexualized women on the cover in a way that seems to be portraying "the ideal woman." Do you agree with the author in thinking Cosmopolitan magazine leads readers to set unrealistic/unhealthy sexual expectations?

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Sex tip: Throw out Cosmo's sex tips

By

Photo by Julianna Crozier | The State PressSky Jordan | 02/14/17 8:05pm
"Even though Cosmo magazine is very open about sex, it doesn't really educate its readers as much as it should." Illustration published on Tuesday, Feb. 14, 2017.

For many people, Cosmopolitan served as a first introduction to an open dialogue about sex. We poured over its glossy pages for tricks to please our partner and dog-eared the most scandalous articles. It wasn't the dry PowerPoint slide from your ninth grade sex-ed class. It was real people, talking about real sex.

Still, as college students, it's a common morning ritual to skim through Cosmo's Discover channel on Snapchat. As we drink our coffee, we indulge in their bright pink messages that flash across our screens. However, many of us haven't really considered the messages' content and what they contribute to a cultural context.

Despite opening dialogue about sex, Cosmo isn't going about it in the right way. The way Cosmo talks about sex doesn't contribute to a sex positive culture, instead it perpetuates shame and negative stereotypes about sex, especially for women.

Given its legacy as a pioneer for the women's sexual revolution and the current political climate surrounding women's rights, Cosmo has a duty to step up its game.

"In the late administration there were political voices speaking up for women," said Sharon Bramlett-Solomon, Ph.D in mass communication and associate professor at ASU. "I wouldn't be surprised if there was more pressure on (Cosmo) to up the ante."

Cosmo began in 1886 as a women's magazine. It featured articles about fashion, health, beauty, short stories and other fiction. It didn't quite have the risqué reputation it has today.

Then, in 1965, Helen Gurley Brown became editor-in-chief and drastically changed Cosmopolitan. She transformed the magazine into a trailblazer for women's sexual freedom.

However, modern Cosmo is lagging behind. For every sex-positive article Cosmo publishes, there are dozens that give unhealthy advice. The Cosmopolitan slogan is " fun fearless female," yet they are extraordinarily focused on male pleasure. Much of their content focuses on " pleasing your man, " leaving little room for content that helps readers explore their own sexuality.

there should be a mythbusters type show for cosmo sex tips. it would probably put a lot of people in the hospital tho.
- courtney (@merricats) August 26, 2014

It also puts a massive amount of pressure on women in bed. The magazine is brimming with intricate techniques and positions for your partner's pleasure. This makes it seem like it is solely up to the woman to facilitate a positive sexual experience, for herself and her partner. Sex is a two-way street. It's about giving and receiving. Cosmo is setting up unhealthy sexual expectations by largely ignoring this idea.

Cosmo overcomplicates sex. It makes it seem like a complex equation instead of a natural part of human life. The "little" tips often consist of multiple steps. This can create anxiety about sex for readers with little to no sexual experience.

The magazine also almost exclusively writes about straight relationships and sex, discounting the LGBT community.

While boasting its feminist brand, Cosmo continually publishes magazine covers with overly sexualized women on the cover, reinforcing a beauty standard impossible to attain. This creates the idea that, in order to be sexually attractive, you have to be Cosmo-cover-status sexy. It's a women's magazine with a male gaze.

Cosmo appeals to an easier kind of feminism. It speaks out on the mainstream feminist agenda, but its content isn't inclusive of all women. Cosmo is sex positive and feminist, but only when it's convenient for their brand.

Cosmo has a lot of catching up to do if they want to keep their reputation as a feminist and sex-positive magazine. By making strides and openly talking about women's sexuality in a more sex positive manner, Cosmo has the potential to influence and educate girls and women internationally.
Editor's note: The opinions presented in this column are the author's and do not imply any endorsement from The State Press or its editors.
Reach the columnist at sljorda4@asu.edu or follow @skyjordan4 on Twitter.

Want to join the conversation? Send an email to opiniondesk.statepress@gmail.com. Keep letters under 300 words and be sure to include your university affiliation. Anonymity will not be granted.

Like The State Press on Facebook and follow @statepress on Twitter.

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Cosmopolitan has the duty to contribute to a sex-positive culture

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Cosmo is no longer a trailblazer in sex-positive rhetoric - it's struggling to keep up with modern feminism.