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Anxiety doesn’t visit anymore.

It resides.

In my chest

a bomb pretending to be a heart.

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

Every day feels borrowed.

My vision slips first.

Edges melt.

Light becomes noise.

Fear rewires the world

until nothing feels solid enough to trust.

I bite down.

Harder.

As if teeth could hold panic in place.

As if pressure could keep me from spilling.

No shaking feet.

Not here.

Not where they can see.

I keep my posture intact.

Silence polished.

Pain concealed like etiquette.

They call it arrogance

the dark glasses,

the distance,

the refusal to explain.

But I am not hiding superiority.

I am hiding a body that revolts,

an immune system that forgets I belong to it,

eyes that threaten to close

without permission.

The sunglasses are not armor.

They are a curtain

for a body failing quietly.

I am learning

slowly, unwillingly

that control is a myth we tell ourselves

to survive the night.

Some things will not bend.

Some losses do not negotiate.

Some prayers arrive too late

to change the outcome.

So I loosen my grip.

Not because I want to,

but because holding on

is killing me.

I release

the futures I imagined,

the versions of myself I rehearsed,

the life I thought obedience would earn.

This is not peace.

It is consent.

A fragile, trembling agreement

to keep breathing

even when the heart sounds

like it’s counting down.

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Aku menyadari satu hal tentang diriku hari ini: aku belum sepenuhnya healed. Dan untuk pertama kalinya, aku tidak merasa harus menutupinya. Ada momen-momen tertentu — berada di lingkaran yang sama, bertemu orang-orang dengan cerita yang mirip, kembali ke tempat yang seharusnya membawa ketenangan — yang justru memunculkan luka lama. Aku pikir waktu dan jarak sudah cukup, ternyata tidak selalu begitu.

Bahkan ketika aku kembali ke Tanah Suci, atau saat berinteraksi dengan para jemaah, ada bagian dalam diriku yang tetap ter-trigger. Bukan karena tempatnya, bukan karena orangnya, tapi karena aku masih berada di circle yang sama dengan versi diriku yang lama. Aku belum sepenuhnya keluar dari sana. Dan selama aku masih berdiri di lingkaran itu, ingatan, emosi, dan pertanyaan tentang hidupku akan terus muncul tanpa diminta.

Aku ingin keluar. Bukan untuk lari, tapi untuk memahami kualitas hidup yang sebenarnya ingin aku jalani. Aku ingin tahu seperti apa rasanya hidup tanpa terus-menerus bereaksi terhadap masa lalu. Aku ingin sembuh dengan cara yang jujur, bukan dengan berpura-pura kuat, bukan dengan spiritual bypassing, tapi dengan benar-benar mengerti diriku sendiri —apa yang masih sakit, apa yang belum selesai, dan apa yang perlu aku lepaskan.

Dan hari ini, aku ingin bilang ini ke diriku sendiri: I’m not fully healed, and that’s okay. Aku sedang dalam proses. Aku masih belajar. Ini ceritaku apa adanya — tidak rapi, tidak sempurna, tapi nyata. Dan mungkin, kejujuran ini adalah langkah pertama menuju hidup yang lebih utuh.

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Orbit of the Unspoken

By : Fiorena

Before names were carved into constellations,

I existed as a hush in the universe

a quiet orbit searching for a shape to call my own.

They say the moon is only a mirror,

but I learned the ancient truth:

even a mirror becomes a myth

when the dark begins to trust it.

I am neither sun nor shadow

I am the hinge between them,

the silver threshold where endings

learn to resurrect as light.

In the oldest language the cosmos remembers,

my glow is not brightness

it is discernment,

a cold clarity that reveals

what the day refuses to name.

I belong to the night,

not as a lantern,

but as a keeper of the unspoken

the quiet force that pulls the tides

and the secrets

people only whisper

when the world finally forgets to look.

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I was a butterfly,

a whisper in motion,

a tender flash of colour

never made to stay.

But not all butterflies long for flowers.

Some—

weary of the sky—

choose to rest

on something steady.

This time,

I landed on a tree.

He did not bloom.

He stood.

Not with perfume and petals,

but with patience.

With a silence that spoke

louder than any words

I’d ever known.

We did not speak much.

But still,

we understood.

In the hush between glances,

we found a strange kind of peace.

He offered a branch—

a space,

a pause,

a place to be seen

without being owned.

And I almost stayed.

But beneath him,

the roots were deep—

doing what roots do:

holding, feeding, remembering.

They had been there

long before I arrived.

Above,

fruit hung quietly—

content, familiar,

at ease in their place

as if the tree had always known

how to hold them just right.

Then one day,

a new bud appeared—

soft, subtle, full of promise.

The kind of fruit that speaks

of seasons to come,

of stories unfolding

without me.

And I saw it—

this tree was whole.

Strong not because it stood alone,

but because of the quiet harmony

between root and trunk,

branch and fruit,

time and growth.

So I opened my wings.

Not in pain,

but in reverence.

For what we were.

For what he is.

For what I must become.

He remains—

rooted, complete.

And I,

I return to the sky,

to seek my field of flowers,

my blooming place,

where I am free to land

without needing to leave.

Still,

in that quiet moment—

I was held.

And he was seen.

And for a time,

we shared the same field

beneath the same sky.

This is the story

of where the wind let me rest,

before it reminded me

to fly again.

-Fiorena, May 2025

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(Part 1) Words That Sting, But Still—I Rise

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(Part 1) Words That Sting, But Still—I Rise

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People say “don’t take it personally,” or “just ignore them”—as if words don’t have weight. As if we can simply flip a switch and stop ourselves from thinking about the things people say. But the truth is, sometimes those words stick. They replay in your head long after the moment has passed, long after you’ve already told yourself, “I don’t care.”

I remember someone once said, “You? No way. You’re already old.” Just like that—dismissing me entirely. I smiled and said, “You’re not even in the equation.” Simple, clean, and straight to the point.

Another time, someone asked me, “Why’d you even come back to Indonesia? Moved back in with your parents, huh?” I laughed. “Whether I’m in Saudi or Indo, I have a house in both. What’s the problem? Jealous much?”

Then there was that one ‘friend’ from university. We used to sit next to each other in class. One day she said, “Can’t believe you were the first to get married… and the first to get divorced too.” I didn’t even reply. Just blocked her. Some people really let the devil speak through them.

And then, the cherry on top—this guy who once said, “No way I’d ever be with a divorced woman like you.” My only response? “A divorced woman like me still gets to choose.” The audacity. He wasn’t even someone I was interested in—just some random customer who had tried to date one of my sisters, got rejected by everyone, then circled back to me. Na. To. The. Jis.

It’s crazy, isn’t it? How people feel so entitled to throw knives with their tongues. And though we act tough—say we’re over it—some words leave bruises beneath the skin. But still… this too shall pass. Always does.

Sincerely,

Me 🫶🏻

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Guys, here i put all the free book links, feel free to download and let’s start reading with me,

Fiorena

Links :

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1zv2PHd1jFpH0crN6o1YDwi7L67t1FZcc/view (Sukses Finansial - Indonesian)

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I’m pretty sure i’m that well!

I’m fine, we’re really fine

Since that we are really done, so let me write some you’re truthfully.

Being a “more than friends” knowing you certainly well, never had any regrets in a past 12years before by now. Of course the belief chasm was the matter. The way you know how well i’ve been graduated well, the way i believe you can be a great engineer either me, the way we solved the volume integral and so on.

We both know and consider on being like em and gab, we both know! 12years wasn’t that short, again, all we experienced on being always for each other, the shoulder to cry on, every humor we shared.

Perhaps in another universe i never met someone like you that can face the chasm and break every obstacle ahead.

We are totally done now,

Grazie

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I’m happy, I’m be thankful, i’m amazing, i’m grateful

Thanks Allah 🕊️

It’s always begin with good affirmation on every special moment, and every single times was that special moment, note it.

So, this is one of my book that i currently re-read after 5years, i bought this book since in a very early 2019, and yet this book still that stunning ever after.

from an author “josh kaufman”, i barely know how to get an MBA doesn’t that easy peasy and really have to consider what role i have to make and behave while the life goes on?

Yet, this book even i said not completely got the point of an MBA but still have 95% of how becoming a professional af a MBA. Full of theoretical and the point i loved was how Josh Kaufman bring this book and let the reader realize which role i am in? Am the take risker, am i the sales, am i the brainstorming people, am it etc etc..

The book had 400pages (prepare your eyes, maybe a break is needed tho), paperback cover, with stunning gold theme (i loved it!), no diagrams, no picture, literally like a literature book or any philosophical book that being written in papyrus.

By read this book you just know how to role, how you wanna be, and again, listen your gut. What you want, you have something to be left behind and keep those consistency.

Again, consistency is a key, a faith is a key

-your truthfully, FIO-

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Maybe just maybe, until now i still looking out of my best sunscreen that fit well and protect every single spot on my face.

Yet it isn’t that easy peasy!

I came from one product to another product becoming a decade before. The way i learn and understand what my face want, the characteristics of my face just to reach the indulgence on it.

Need to know, my face condition is a complexity with dry and oily, also i got my autoimmune that can’t be irritated with my eyelid if it there’s a toxicity at some product, so yes it’s tricky to found best.

This is some of product that i use before Anessa as sunscreen :

SK-II (pricey but not fit well to my face, speckled in my face after a month using🥲)

Skin Aqua tone up purple (i used to make this sunscreen as a favorite for 3yrs! Last week i saw it make the pore cloge so i found another one)

Some by Mi - Zinc oxide uv shield (a sore effect to my eyes and need an extra time to blend while my time in a kind of rapid 😢🙏🏻)

L’oreal - UV devender (hi acne, long time no see 😒 also sticky and itchy effects, sorry)

Finally, the brand new sunscreen i try “Anessa” quite good so far after using for a month before. Had a glowing effect. So in love with this one 🫶🏻

If you had same experience like me with your sunscreen journey, let me know how to settled this issue and have you found it yet?

Know your skin first, before you know the product! *but i’m not talking about this

Amazing day for us

Cheers 🥂 Fio