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Originally published in November 2014 for Grief Relief Week.

Comfort Zone Camp's first-ever Children's Grief Relief Week kicks off today with a list of books recommended by the social media community.

This list of books is designed to address the grieving process for young children as well as teenagers. These books specialize in putting the grieving process in perspective as well as helping children learn how to cope and manage their grief.

Take a look at this list, share with your friends, family and colleagues, and perhaps donate one to a library or school counselor to let them know about these resources.

Tear Soup: A Recipe for Healing After Loss, by Chuck DeKlyen

I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye, by Brooke Noel & Pamela D. Blair, PH. D.

The Invisible String, by Patrice Karst

Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss, by Hope Edelman

The Girl Who Threw Butterflies, by Mick Cochrane

Pieces of Georgia, by Jen Bryant

The Saddest Time, by Norma Simon

The Gift of a Memory: A Keepsake to Commemorate the Loss of a Loved One, by Marianne Richmond

Sad Isn't Bad: A Good-Grief Guidebook for Kids Dealing with Loss, by Michaelene Mundy

When Your Grandparent Dies: A Child's Guide to Good Grief, by Victoria Ryan

After Charlotte's Mom Died, by Cornelia Maude Spelman

Mending Peter's Heart, by Maureen Wittbold

After the Funeral, by Jane Loretta Winsch

I Miss You: A First Look at Death, by Pat Thomas

If Only, by Carole Geithner

The Healing Book: Facing the Death, and Celebrating the Life, of Someone You Love, by Ellin Sabin

The Grieving Teen: A Guide for Teenagers and Their Friends, by Helen Fitzgerald

Where Are You: A Child's Book About Loss, by Laura Olivieri

The Grief Bubble: Helping Kids Explore and Understand Grief, by Kerry Debay

The Healing Your Grieving Heart Journal for Teens, by Alan D. Wolfelt & Megan Wolfelt

Badger's Parting Gifts, by Susan Varley

When Someone Very Special Dies: Children Can Learn to Cope with Grief, by Marge Heegaard
What books would you add to this list? Leave them in the comments!

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Originally published in November 2014 for Grief Relief Week. Comfort Zone Camp's first-ever Children's Grief Relief Week kicks off today with a list of books recommended by the social media community. This list of books is designed to address the grieving process for young children as well as teenagers.

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Key points to remember about bereavement reactions in children and young people

how any child or young person grieves when someone they love has died will depend on many things

babies, children and teenagers tend to grieve in bursts, and at other times will look for reassurance and comfort in their normal routines and activities

bereaved children and teenagers will need ongoing attention, reassurance and support - it is not unusual for grief to resurface later on, even well after the death

How does a child or young person grieve?

How any child or young person grieves when someone they love has died will depend on many things, such as their:

age

gender

developmental stage

personality

ways they usually react to stress and emotion

relationship with the person who has died

earlier experiences of loss or death

family circumstances

how others around them are grieving

amount of support around them

Babies, children and teenagers may often seem unconcerned, playing or doing their usual activities, so adults can assume they are not properly aware of the death, or affected by it. They are, but in their own ways. Babies, children and teenagers tend to grieve in bursts, and at other times will look for reassurance and comfort in their normal routines and activities.

Bereaved children and teenagers will need ongoing attention, reassurance and support. It is not unusual for grief to resurface later on, even well after the death. This can happen as they move through different life milestones, and develop as individuals.

How do babies and toddlers grieve?

At this young age babies and toddlers don't have an understanding of death nor the language to say how they are feeling. However, they can definitely experience feelings of loss and separation and are likely to pick up on the anxiety or distress of close adults or others around them.

Common reactions

Common reactions can include:

looking for the person who has died

being irritable

crying more

wanting to be held more; being clingy

being less active - quiet, less responsive

possible weight loss

being jumpy, anxious

being fretful, distressed

How to help them

keep routines and normal activities going as much as possible

hold and cuddle them more

speak calmly and gently to them - and be calm around them

provide comfort items, such as a cuddly toy, special blanket etc

How do preschoolers grieve?

At this age children find it hard to understand that death is permanent. They are also at a stage of magical thinking, for example, thinking someone will come alive again or thinking somehow they made someone die. They understand separation though, and feel insecure and frightened when the familiar things around them change. This age group needs a lot of reassurance that they will be safe and looked after.

Common reactions

Common reactions can include:

looking for the person who has died

dreams, or sensing the presence of the person who has died

fearfulness, anxiety

clinginess

being fretful, distressed

being irritable; having more tantrums

withdrawing, being quiet, showing a lack of response

changes in eating

difficulty in sleeping

toileting problems, bed wetting, soiling

regressing in progress; for example, returning to crawling, wanting a bottle

How to help them

keep routines and normal activities going as much as possible

tell them you know they are sad - start to teach and use words that describe feelings

tell them they are safe, and who is looking after them

keep separated from them as little as possible

comfort them with hugs, cuddles, holding their hand, and by encouraging them

speak calmly and gently to them - and be calm around them

explain death as part of life, so they come to understand it bit by bit. Using some examples in nature may be helpful, such as watching plants grow, bloom and die or seasons change

provide comfort items, such as a cuddly toy, special blanket etc

encourage play - children can often use play to help them process what's happened; for example, sand play, puppets, dolls, writing, drawing, painting and various physical activities

How do primary school children grieve?

Primary school children are still learning to understand death and can have some confused thoughts about it. They may think death is temporary, or that the person who has died may still feel things, such as coldness, hunger or loneliness etc. They may ask where the person is now, and have blunt questions to ask about what happened to them and to their body. Explaining death to them is very important.

Common reactions

Common reactions can include:

looking for the person who has died

having dreams about, or sensing the presence of, the person who has died

blaming themselves for the death

being easily distracted, forgetful

being anxious; having increased fears, such as of the dark, of others' safety

clinginess - wanting to be near you or others more

withdrawing, being quiet, showing a lack of response

being fretful, distressed, not wanting to go to school

feeling embarrassment; feeling different from others; may conceal their loss

physical complaints, such as tummy aches, headaches, aching

being irritable, having more tantrums, being defiant, or developing antisocial or aggressive behaviour

changes in eating or sleeping habits

toileting problems, bed wetting, soiling

How to help them

frequently reassure them they are safe, and who is looking after them

keep routines and normal activities going as much as possible

tell them you know they are sad - start to use words that describe feelings

keep separated from them as little as possible

allow questions and provide honest answers

comfort them with hugs, cuddles, holding their hand, and by encouraging them

speak calmly and gently to them - and be calm around them

explain death as part of life, so they come to understand it bit by bit. Using some examples in nature may be helpful, such as watching plants grow, bloom and die or seasons change

let them help in planning the funeral or something to remember the loss

provide comfort items, such as a cuddly toy, special blanket etc

encourage play - children often can use play to help them process what's happened; for example, sand play, puppets, dolls, writing, drawing, painting and various physical activities

How do older children (10-12 years) grieve?

Common reactions

All of the above relate to this age group, but it's important to be aware that by this age children know death is final. They are also more aware of how adults and others around them are reacting to death. This group may also:

be especially anxious about the safety of family and friends, and themselves

try very hard to please adults and not worry them, and so not let themselves grieve

feel stronger emotional reactions, such as anger, guilt, sense of rejection

want to take on more adult responsibilities, trying very hard to please

feel embarrassment; feel different from peers; may conceal their loss

become more focused on what's happened and ask questions, think about it a lot, have dreams about it, and perhaps want to talk about it often to others

How to help them

They need all of the help in the previous section plus:

time to talk with you and other trusted adults, when they need to

regular reassurance - spoken, and with encouraging physical touch (such as hugs, pat on the back etc).

honesty about events, and feelings

to know you understand their grief

regular encouragement

avoid expectations of adult behaviour - allow them to be the age and stage they are

How do teenagers grieve?

By adolescence, death is accepted as part of life, but it may not have affected a teenager personally yet. Their reactions may fluctuate between earlier age group reactions and reactions that are more adult.

Teenagers will often want to spend more time with friends than family as they seek support. They may find the intensity of emotion overwhelming or scary and not be able to find the words or ways to talk about them with others. They may want to feel they're coping, and be seen to be, but inside be hurting a great deal, or be putting their emotions on a shelf for a later time.

Death can so shake teens that some react with risk taking behaviour - to escape the feelings and reality and as a source of comfort; for example, drinking, drugs, more sexual contact or reckless driving.

Common reactions

Common reactions can include:

being easily distracted, forgetful

having difficulty concentrating at school

being unsettled in class, a change in class performance, not wanting to go to school

being overwhelmed by intense reactions, such as anger, guilt, fear

having difficulty expressing intensity of emotions, or conflict of emotions

blaming themselves for the death

anxiety - increased fears about others' safety, and their own

having questions or concerns about death, dying, mortality

dreams about, or sensing the presence of, the person who has died

wanting to be near family or friends more

withdrawing to be alone

physical complaints, such as tummy aches, headaches, aching

being irritable, defiant, more antisocial or displaying aggressive behaviour

risk-taking behaviour to escape, to comfort, or to prove they're alive and strong; for example, drinking, drugs, more sexual contact or reckless driving

changes in eating, sleeping habits

bedwetting

jokes or humour, masking feelings

saying, or acting like, they don't care

wanting to take on more adult responsibilities, trying very hard to please

strained relationships with others - fear or awkwardness about being close to others

feeling embarrassment; feeling different from peers; may conceal their loss

a sense of loneliness - isolation

a change in self-image, lower self-esteem

possibly suicidal thoughts

possibly moving from sadness into depression

How to help them

be honest and let them know what's happening

be willing to listen, and available to talk about whatever they need to talk about

acknowledge the emotions they may be feeling-fear, sadness, anger

it can be helpful for parents, or other adults, to share their own feelings regarding the loss

frequently reassure them they are safe, who is caring for them, and which adults they can trust to ask for further support

keep routines and normal activities going as much as possible

talk to them about grief - what it is, that it's normal, that everyone is different

avoid expectations of adult behaviour - allow them to be the age and stage they are, encourage them to express their thoughts and feelings - give them ideas of things they could try, such as doing physical activities, writing, singing, listening to music, talking with friends, reading etc

allow questions and provide honest answers

comfort them with hugs, cuddles, holding their hand, and by encouraging them

speak calmly and gently to them - and be calm around them

talk about death together; answer any questions they may have

let them help in planning the funeral or something to remember the loss

What do bereaved children and teenagers need?

Bereaved children and teenagers will need ongoing attention, reassurance and support. It is not unusual for grief to resurface later on, even well after the death. This can happen as they move through different life milestones, and develop as individuals.

What should I do if I'm worried about my grieving child?

If you are concerned about any extreme reactions, or if you think your child or teenager may have become depressed, contact your doctor or other trained adviser, such as a counsellor, senior staff member from their school, social worker, community or youth worker or a local family support agency.

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Bereavement Reactions Of Children & Young People By Age Group

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how any child or young person grieves when someone they love has died will depend on many things babies, children and teenagers tend to grieve in bursts, and at other times will look for reassurance and comfort in their normal routines and activities bereaved children and teenagers will need ongoing

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Edutopia is a free source of information, inspiration, and practical strategies for learning and teaching in preK-12 education. We are published by the George Lucas Educational Foundation, a nonprofit, nonpartisan organization.

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National Association of School Psychologists (NASP)

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School-based support and increased understanding are essential when a student experiences the death of a friend or loved one. While each student will be affected differently depending on his or her developmental level, cultural beliefs, personal characteristics, family situation, and previous experiences. There are some strategies that can be helpful in supporting bereaved students.

General Tips to Support Students of All Ages

Be understanding and tolerant of common grief reactions which include: decreased appetite, difficulty sleeping, a decreased ability to concentrate, increased sadness, and social withdrawal. Students sometimes also feel anger toward the deceased for leaving them.

Be simple and straightforward. Discuss death in developmentally appropriate terms for students.

Use words such as "death," "die," or "dying" in your conversations and avoid euphemisms such as "they went away," "they are sleeping," "departed," and "passed away." Such euphemisms are abstract and may be confusing, especially for younger children.

Let students know that death is not contagious. Although all human beings will die at some point, death is not something that can be "caught" and it is unusual for children to die.

Be brief and patient. Remember that you may have to answer the same question multiple times and repeat key information to ensure understanding.

Listen, acknowledge feelings, and be nonjudgmental.

Express your own feelings in an open, calm, and appropriate way that encourages students to share their feelings and grief.

Avoid making assumptions and imposing your own beliefs on students.

A variety of feelings are normal. Be sensitive to each student's experience, as there is no one right way to respond to a loss. Feelings and behaviors will vary across students and will change throughout the bereavement process.

Normalize expressed feelings by telling students such are common after a death. However, if their expressions include risk to self (e.g. suicidal thoughts) or others, refer immediately to the appropriate professionals.

Be sensitive to cultural differences of students and their families in expressing grief and honoring the dead.

Consider a student's intellectual abilities, behavior, and conceptual understanding of death. For children with developmental disabilities. Their limited communication skills do not mean they are unaffected by the death. Behaviors such as increased frustration and compulsivity, somatic complaints, relationship difficulties, and increased self-stimulatory behaviors may be expressions of grief.

Maintain a normal routine in your classroom and engage students in activities they previously enjoyed.

Provide the opportunity to talk and ask questions and use these questions to guide further discussion. Encourage students to share feelings, but in ways that are not disruptive to the class or hurtful to other students.

Keep in mind that some children may have a difficult time expressing their feelings or may not feel comfortable talking at school. Do not pressure these students to talk. Some may prefer writing, drawing, listening to music, or playing a game instead of talking about their feelings. Provide students with a variety of options for expressing grief.

Talk to the bereaved student's classmates about grief and emphasize the importance of being understanding and sensitive.

Help bereaved students find a peer support group. There will likely be other who have also experienced the death of a loved one.

Tips When the Whole School is Affected by a Teacher or Student Death

A letter and/or direct communication via email should be sent home to all parents on school letterhead informing them of the death. Information to include in the communication:

Facts about the death to dispel rumors

Discussion of the range of feelings and reactions that may occur throughout the grief process

Guidance about talking to their children about the death

Indicators of the need for mental health counseling

Direction on how to contact the school if they have questions or believe their child may benefit from counseling

Direction on how to obtain community resources

Share factual information with staff (through meetings and bulletins), students (through class announcements and meetings), and parents (through letters/email). Regularly provide them with relevant updates.

Provide teachers with guidelines on how to share information about the death with their students and establish referral procedures for students requiring additional support.

Pay close attention to students who have experienced recent deaths or key life changes, witnessed the death, or have emotional problems.

Tips for Specific Age Groups

Preschool

Avoid euphemisms as preschoolers have trouble understanding death and may believe the death is reversible.

Provide opportunities to express thoughts and feelings about death through play activities and drawing.

Answer questions using concrete descriptions and be prepared to repeatedly answer questions.

Possible reactions include:

Crying or screaming

Clinging to caregivers or other trusted adults

Fear of separation

Regressive behaviors such as wetting pants and thumb sucking

Decreased verbalization

Elementary School

These students may ask questions and seek to try to understand what happened. Be patient and refer them to adults that can answer their questions.

Students below the age of eight may engage in magical thinking and believe they could have prevented the death. Recognize these feelings and fears but do not validate them.

Students ages nine through twelve may feel less comfortable showing feelings and seeing expressions of grief in others. Make sure to provide these students with a variety of ways to express grief.

Possible reactions include:

Behavioral difficulties

Decreased concentration

Poor school performance

Depression

Irritability

Withdrawal

Somatic complaints (headaches & stomachaches)

Middle and High School

Do not force students to share their feelings with others, including their peers if they do not feel comfortable. Provide them with opportunities to share their feelings privately.

Students often seek support via social media. Be aware of what is being posted and shared. Encourage students to seek support for a friend in need.

Students in their mid-to-late teens tend to feel more comfortable expressing their feelings and grief similar to adults.

High school students may use physical contact to show their support and empathy (e.g., hugging or touching the arm)

Possible reactions include:

Poor school performance

Anxiety

Depression

High risk behaviors or substance use

Emotional numbing

Suicidal thoughts

References:

Black, S. (2005). Research: How teachers and counselors can reach out to bereaved students. When children grieve. American School Board Journal, 192, 28-30. Retrieved from http://www.asbj.com/

Brown, J. A., Jimerson, S. R., & Comerchero, V. A. (2014). Cognitive development considerations to support bereaved students: Practical applications for school psychologists. Contemporary School Psychology. Advance online publication. doi:10.1007/s40688-014-0018-6

Dogan-Ates, A. (2010). Developmental differences in children's and adolescents' post-disaster reactions. Issues in Mental Health Nursing, 31, 470-476. doi:10.3109/01612840903582528

© 2015, National Association of School Psychologists, 4340 East West Highway, Suite 402, Bethesda, MD 20814, 301-657-0270, www.nasponline.org

Please cite this document as:

NASP School Safety and Crisis Response Committee. (2015). Addressing grief: Tips for teachers and Administrators. Bethesda, MD: National Association of School Psychologists. Bethesda, MD: National Association of School Psychologists.

Contributors: Benjamin S. Fernandez MSEd, Victoria A. Comerchero NCSP, Jacqueline A. Brown NCSP, Catherine Woahn, NCSP

Note. Schools and community agencies may adapt this handout to local needs for educational and student support purposes as long as proper credit is given to NASP.

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Addressing Grief: Tips for Teachers and Administrators

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School-based support and increased understanding are essential when a student experiences the death of a friend or loved one.

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From our local Oaklawn Center

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Coping with Sudden Death of Student Handbook 

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Coping with Sudden Death of Student Handbook 

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Coping with Sudden Death of Student Handbook (1)

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Contact Us!

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College and Career Advisor
Saint Joseph High School
South Bend, IN 46617
lmendoza@saintjoehigh.com

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Director of Counseling
Saint Joseph High School
South Bend, IN 46617
dstrabavy@saintjoehigh.com