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New week. New list. Self-love: came into town, bought a steamer. Deep breaths. Contacted my support network. More deep breaths. I can do this. One step at a time. Finish strong. Shhhhh, it will be ok. You have got this.

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I have no idea what day it is anymore!! I am not sure if I already posted this week or not. So just in case...this is me posting!! Woohoo!!

I have reached the point where my brain is mooosh. I can practically feel it leaking out of my ears.

I have not made the wisest decisions regarding the use of my time. However, I am proud of me for stopping and eating when I have needed to. Did I need to watch videos on youtube for 2.5 hours....no. But instead of focusing on what I did not do, I am focusing on what I have been getting done.

I have made a list of the things that need my attention. I even cut an assignment off of my to-do-list because it fell below the line. I do not have the brain space for the assignment. And it is one less thing I can use to beat myself up about.

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Yesterday, Asher (the rat that was once my future-sister-in-laws but now mine) snuggled with me for 30 minutes while I sat on the kitchen floor, listening to music. He crawled into my lap and laid quietly, enjoying the love I was giving him. It was a well needed love-filled break from my day.
Good news is that I took on no hostages!!
I was trying to take his picture, and he was trying to help...

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This whole, doing nice things for myself, thing is getting easier. I have to admit that I am also feeling happier and lighter. I have had the feeling within the past two days to begin working out again. Not because I have to, but because I want to.
This week-end I sat and read a book  I had read before but I wanted to read it again so that I can read the second book. It was like sitting down with old friends!! I enjoyed to emotional roller coaster they took me on.

I had no idea that constant self-love and care could cause so much joy within me.

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I am pleased to say that this whole 'purposeful self love' thing is going well. Even though there are always assignments to do, I took the week-end off to have a girls weekend with my mom and future-sister-in-law. I reminded my family just how much of a light-weight I am when it comes to consuming alcohol. Then the Saturday we took a road trip, simply for the fun of it. We walked around the mall in Eau Claire, we ate crappy mall food, did not bring home any new furry critters. I had a lot of fun.
Yes, it is Monday. I am also proud to say that I have asked for help on an assignment that has been causing me brain frustrations. I will be meeting with a tutor tomorrow. Good me!!

I am very proud of me. I am not perfect, and I can not do it all. BUT, I can do things to the best of my ability, and I can ask for help.

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It is really easy for me to put on the tough face and make myself look to be ok on the outside. I still have a difficult time allowing myself to process and feel different emotions when my husband is around. I do not want him to fix things, and I do not want to have to explain myself in the midist of feeling an emotion sometimes.

My act of self love Saturday was to let myself cry (and I mean CRY) while I was out of the house cat sitting. I let myself be ok with the fact that in that moment I was not ok. I sought the wisdom of a beautiful, strong, Godly woman who spoke truth and love into me. I let myself do some mild flailing (in spirit) and came out of it much happier and freer. It is crazy to understand, but some times we all just need a good cry. Even if it does not seem to make sense as to why we are crying.

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I did go to my friend's house for bible study Monday and I am pleased to say that things went wonderfully! Lots of laughs. I also am pleased to say that I invested in myself by doing nothing. It was difficult sometimes, because I felt this obligation to do...something.
Again, with the loving encouragement of my husband, I sat on my butt and allowed myself to play a video game. :) It has been a lot of fun.

I also want to acquire my future sister-in-law's rat... rats are super awesome.

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My husband is annoyingly kind to me. (I know no one will feel bad for me) I, however, am not accustomed to this continuing insistence that I do things for myself that I actually want to do, and enjoy. I had to ask him if he thought I was not doing enough self-care or if he felt like I was relaying on him to much. If either of these cases were true, then I knew what steps I would need to take to correct them. However, "No," he replied, "you just never do nice things for yourself. I want you to do the things you want to do."
So, I have taken on the mission to discover what are the things I want to do for me.
I recognize, especially because in another class I am taking this topic is talked about often, that I have a nature of putting everyone above myself. Regardless on whether I feel like it or not. I feel like a failure of a woman if I do not to X, Y, Z, and AA.
Tonight I am going to my friend's house for a bible study.

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I have a lovely husband, and he is helping me by encouraging me to do self care.
I get migraines and they are awful, I would not even wish them on my enemies if I had any. I have a prescription that helps to kick them out before they grow to full strength, however previously I have chosen not to get them. Because they cost money. My husband in all his kindest to me to "GET THEM" because honestly I am more enjoyable to be around when I am not writhing in pain. Seems fair.
So this time I have my prescription and I have to say, I can function as a human being significantly more successfully when I can think straight.

I also am proud to say that when we went food shopping, I got food that I wanted and enjoy eating. I did not worry about the fact that food costs money. I picked out things that I know I will eat. Even my husband was proud of me.

:)

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I have not been doing the things that I had set up to do. I learned from the motivation assignment that I have an all or nothing attitude/mind set when it comes to being physically active. I enjoy the benefits but the work itself...not always fun. I function better with people as apposed to being alone. That is reason number one why I have fizzled out.

I would like to say that while I have not been as physically active, I have been working on my own personal self care. I have been eating the foods that I have been hungry for. Yesterday, when I did not I physically felt sick. I have also been making a point to schedule in standing up breaks from my reading and researching.

By no means am I perfect, nor can I claim greatness. However, I will say that I am proud of me for bringing in slowly, self care into my normal.

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I can not say that this pass week has been a success. My week started out with a migraine, which then morphed into extreme nausea and an over all feeling of unmotivated followed by a re-spark of an old back injury. I did no extra movement outside of moving a couple of caskets. While I am disappointed I know that I was doing what I thought was the best things for me in the midst of how I was feeling.

This week I plan to get back into the swing of things. I have felt a wonderful positive side effect from all the squats I have been doing, and I do not want that to go away. I am thinking of add in some supermans in exchange for a few planks to help strengthen my back muscles. Nobody gets left behind!!

And because odds are I am not the only one to have a rough week...there is a funny stupid picture to at least give you a reason to smile and shake your head. Enjoy.

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I am pleased to report that my toe is healing very well! My loving husband offered to remove the stitches for me. (I could have done it myself but why when he is offering.) I had the weirdest craving to jump rope (through I still have not bought one) so I did 5 minutes of jumping jacks. I am pleased to report all went well!! Sunday, I was surprised that I had this craving to do squats (WHAT??!!) but since it was my rest day, I loved myself and said no.
I have been noticing a difference in how I feel physically. AND, I have been finding myself eating more carrots instead of sugar snacks. (What is happening to me?!) I am becoming more comfortable with my 5 minutes of sit-ups as well.
My husband asked me why I do not count while I am working out. It is because it causes me anxiety to keep track of the numbers exactly down. It steals the joy out of it for me. I also do not weigh myself for the exact reason. I become hyper-self-conscious, and I have worked to hard on my self care to willingly throw it away. (Some personal information) While I do not have numbers as evidence to prove my growth, I can offer my joy in pride that I feel that I have not given up. That despite the fact that I feel tired, I do not let that stop me. Here I grow again! ;)

Here is a healed toe update photo!

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I have noticed that I have been slacking in loving on myself. While I have no problem giving grace and love to those around me, when it comes to giving myself grace and love, I have chosen not to. SO, to love on myself yesterday I bought a box of hair color. However since I still had not done my work out (grumble grumble grumble) I told myself that I could not color my hair until I had completed my task. I did 5 minutes of sit-ups, 5 minutes of squats (at which point I was feeling some things but I still felt good.) Next were my 5 one minute planks, because it was suddenly a great idea! After my second minute plank I was wondering why this had been such a great idea. However what kept me going (besides really wanted to color my hair) was my future sister in law sending me texts of encouragement and support! Long story short: I did my work out completely (no giving up), stretched, and colored my hair a darker color! Woohoo!!!

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So, After creating my plan to jump rope 15-20 minutes everyday (except Sunday) I jammed my toe into a sharp piece of metal sticking up from my floor and I ended getting two stitches. That kind of put a damper on my plan. I did do 5 minutes of squats on Thursday, however since then I have not really done anything else. Yesterday I did run around and play with my friends two children (5 and 7.) I did carry the five year old around for 10 minutes because his leg braces do not allow him to crawl or walk. The good news is this is a new week with fresh opportunities. To ensure that I stay focused and motivated, I have told my husband that this week I am going to do 2 5-minutes of squats and 5 1-minute of planking (alternating between the two.)

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This is my first time using Padlet,  I am kind of excited to try something different. I chose this background because when I look at it, I feel myself taking a deep calming breath.