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I figured before I get into all the sad stuff that my grandma deserved to be seen at (what I think) is her best. This is a picture of her holding my mother at her baptism. I think she looked so unbelievably beautiful.

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A bit dramatic I know, but that's just how my family is, I suppose. It all started near Christmas. My aunt called and my grandma had been rushed to the hospital she was in septic shock. The doctors believed that she was going to die because of how critical she was but luckily she had only needed to be hospitalized.

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My grandma had to stay in the hospital for Christmas due to her sepsis, but she was able to recover and come home. However, into the new year COVID had started to rear its head.

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My grandma had to go to the doctor to be checked out to adjust her medicine and see how she was recovering since she had sepsis. Things seemed to be fine for the most part.

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My aunt Gina called my mom in tears. She confessed that she was keeping a secret. She wasn't sure how to tell anyone, but she couldn't hold it in any longer. My grandma had cancer. She had breast cancer before so we thought maybe it would be okay, but no it was worse. My grandma was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. The doctors weren't able to catch it because they were so focused on her recovery from her sepsis. She was told she had at most six months to live.

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We knew time was limited. Our family decided to celebrate every one of her favorite holidays since we knew she wasn't going to make it. This is a picture from our Christmas in July I believe. At the time she was still herself in my eyes. At most, she was a bit more fragile but she was her.

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That year we decided that we (my grandma and me) should have a joint birthday party. Above is a picture of her from a different birthday. At the party she was too weak to get up from her chair. You had to wear a mask if you wanted to be near her. She was bloated and weaker. It broke my heart to see her like that. All I remember from that birthday was how hard it was to leave her in her room and pretend that everything it was okay. She told me she loved me and that she loved how I looked in braids and so I made sure I wore braids whenever I saw her.

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I got a call while I was at work. My mom said my grandma was slipping in and out of consciousness. I got a speeding ticket that day, but I would have gotten several. This was it. When I got there my grandma's chest was heaving. I held her hand and she told me that she loved me and I told her I loved her too. Soon she would no longer speak it was only her body trying to work through the pain and suffering she was feeling. For three days my grandma was making this horrible sound as her body was shutting down. I don't know how to describe it but I hope no one has to hear it. I still hear it sometimes.

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She died a day before her birthday. She had stopped breathing and she was gone. It was hard and to be honest it still is. I think of her constantly. Whenever I look at these pictures or talk about her I tear up. She was beautiful, funny, smart, and strong. I wear this ring she gave me to every family occasion because I want her to be there. She was the life of the party. I hope she's no longer in pain and that she's at peace. I hope one day I can be half the woman she is. I love you so much grandma.