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so if the apocalypse happens or whatever who wants to bunk together?

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i wonder where it'll take me
i'll wonder if i'll grown
or if i'll "regress" and make people hate me

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i kinda want to not face anything, ever.
> i kinda don't wanna leave my bed
> but it doesn't matter cause i'm still trapped inside my head
> what if i pull apart the pieces one by one
> and build it up again with dowels and bubble gum
> would it be stronger
> then this fear of life i've mongered
> i'll never want to leave my bed
> hopefully i can find power in this skin i want to shed

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"inner downfall"

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i wrap my hand slowly around the pins lying in the middle of my palm.
i wonder to myself why i was never enough.
i crush the pins with all of the force i can muster from inside of me.
i wonder to myself why it doesn't hurt as much.
I repeat, but the blood doesn't answer.

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"The kid was being an idiot and jumped on our table and pounded on it, screaming.
So when he left kai and i looked at each other, then at the soup
kai goes  “should i?
i said yes, thinking it was a joke
kai picks up the soup.
Kai turns around.
i scream: “KAI NO BAD PLAN”
“yolo” says kai
The soup covers the boys jeans and seeps onto his cowboy boots
Petrified and furious glances get shot our way from the table the boy was it, we simply stand and leave, ignoring all the boys calling rude words and flipping us off."
- hamma ham han

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" - cause even if your eyes are black your bones are always gold
cause they've climbed up every mountain that no story's every told
- cause even if your bags are packed you'll never leave your home
- cause you're scared of all the monsters that are waiting to unfold"

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I quietly walk down the hallways, and fill my blue solo cup from my class's friends-giving with murky white water from the nearest water fountain, but I don't mind it. The sound of some angered student punching the locker pulls me from the start of my new train of thought.
"What are you thankful for?"
I'm thankful for the time i spent with ghost gang and all of it's additives; the good times at least. The times that we reveled around, that will never be forgotten.
Even though it's over, even though many of us hadn't realized (including myself) that it would be best to end it, and are relieved that it is; It's just leading to our next step. And i'm glad we all have people to get us there. Everyone member deserved it. We keep moving on, and for that I am thankful.

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"for every step that I take
i take two steps back
it's like a punch to the face
It's like a knife right in the back
like a bullet to the head
why can't i understand?
the blood is on my hands"

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i wish i could unhear your laugh
undo our what once was  friendship
i don't want to know you anymore
i don't want to feel your existence
i don't want to orbit your planet, earth boy.

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By Sarah Fader

Updated March 20, 2020

Reviewer Whitney White, MS. CMHC, NCC., LPC

You Can Hate A Person, But Still Want To Be With Them - Read About Why Here
Click Here To Get Matched With A Licensed Therapist Today
For those who suffer from borderline personality disorder, the subtle nuances of the world are completely missing. Everything is black and white; right or wrong; and all or nothing. The lack of middle ground can make it difficult to have personal relationships, as this disorder can create a paradoxical way of life. Essentially, the "I hate you, don't leave me" response, which is known as splitting.

When splitting is experienced in the extreme, it becomes an integral internal distorted thought process, one that can negatively impact your personal and professional relationships and your health. Essentially, it becomes a mechanism that contributes to your self-destruction, even as you use it to cope.

Borderline personality disorder can be the result of trauma, either emotional or physical, but some suffer from this disorder who have never dealt with any trauma. Working with a licensed therapist or certified counselor is often the key to addressing the underlying causes, but for those who are dealing with the disorder, it can be difficult to address these negative coping mechanisms, because they have become a crutch, one that is draining but believed necessary.

Self-Doubt Plays A Part

Source: rawpixel.com

Why? You believe that you are unlovable, and that leads you to question every thought, action, and word spoken or written. Beautiful moments are ruined before they even happen because the self-doubt has you questioning everything. There is plenty of jumping to conclusions involved as well. Think about the last time you heard from a friend. Had it been a while? What was the reason for the gap from the last time you talked? Someone dealing with excessing amounts of anxiety and self-doubt would assume that the individual is mad, even if that is not the case. There would be a sense that you need to apologize, even if you did nothing wrong.

The voices inside your head are continually focused on the negative, pointing out all of the reasons why you are unlovable, unworthy, and those around you are going to leave at any time. Those thoughts become a loop, one that you find yourself unable to break. Your words and actions can be contradictory, and that can fluctuate, as you face different circumstances and feelings.

The impact of this coping mechanism is not limited to just relationships with others. It can impact your relationship with yourself. You create a distorted view of yourself, and the impact on your self-identity can be extremely detrimental. How does this play out for individuals daily?

You Can Hate A Person, But Still Want To Be With Them - Read About Why Here
Click Here To Get Matched With A Licensed Therapist Today
Source: pxhere.com

The First Part Of The Contradiction - I Love You

Many individuals who deal with borderline personality disorder are concerned about gaining the approval of others, almost to a fanatical extent, and with little regard for their own needs and emotions. You might become fixated, emotionally attached to one person in particular, and all rational thought can quickly go out the window if they do not respond fast enough or give the right answers.

The automatic response of the brain is to assume the worst and build upon that, essentially creating a mental drama that is emotionally and physically draining. Our thoughts do impact us physically, and if we are in a constant state of anxiety, then it can quickly have a physical impact, as our body puts itself into a flight or fight mode. The constant rush of adrenaline becomes overwhelming and draining on the body, as well as keeping it from handling necessary daily functions.

You end up dependent on them, and eventually, that relationship can become toxic for you both, because they cannot give you enough validation to permanently ease the self-doubt and anxiety that you live with on a daily basis. There is also the risk that you can become dependent on each other in an unhealthy way, leading to the potential for emotional abuse.

Once the relationship starts to falter, as is the case because they eventually run out of the energy to meet all of your emotional needs, your perception of the person may begin to change, leading to the paradoxical contradiction. First, there is the cycle of "don't leave me," that can leave you pursuing a relationship even when it is very unhealthy for you both.

Don't Leave Me

At this point, the relationship may be in trouble. Your favorite person is drained and longing for a break. They find themselves struggling to be reassuring enough, and the negative aspects of the relationship have begun to drag them down. It may be best to break off the relationship, but you find yourself unable to do so. It can almost become emotional stalking, as you try to do anything to repair the relationship, crossing boundaries and creating more tension. Your sense of value is diminished, and you just want to repair the relationship, even if the other party has begun to move on.

"For many [people with] borderline, 'out of sight, out of mind' is an excruciatingly real truism. Panic sets in when [they are] separated from a loved one because the separation feels permanent," said Jerold J. Kreisman , author of I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality . "Although the borderline may not be consciously aware of this dilemma, he frequently places a friend or relation in a no-win situation in which the other person is condemned no matter which way he goes."

I Hate You - The Other Side of The Contradiction

On the other hand, as your needs are not being met or the person is not living up to your unrealistic expectations, you may find yourself hating the individual. Now you just want them to leave. Your sense of their value seems to disappear, and now they are not the "good" individual that you thought they were.

Source: yanalya via freepik.com

All of this is a cycle, where the relationship is intense and constantly in flux. There are powerful emotions attached to all phases of the cycle, but when there is simply indifference, that can be the most uncomfortable for someone with borderline personality disorder. Essentially, they cannot live in the middle ground. The cycle of pushing and pulling away becomes normal, and they find themselves unable to cope with anything but the extremes.

Recognizing Borderline Symptoms

For those who suffer from a borderline personality disorder, several key symptoms are outward signs of the inward struggle with extremes that they deal with on a daily basis.

Deep feelings of insecurity

Low self-esteem

Contradictory feelings

Constant need for affirmation

Idealizing or devaluing people

Difficulty compromising or seeing reason

Inability to control emotions or thoughts

Seeking Help

Everyone has problems and it's important to address them. Read below for some reviews of BetterHelp counselors, from people experiencing similar issues.

Counselor Reviews

"Lindsey is very good at putting things in perspective. She is a great listener and offers realistic, loving advice without being judgmental or harsh. I feel like she has helped me to see things in a way that makes me able and willing to change my negative behaviors without feeling like my life is going to end and I'll never get over the loss of my old ways. It's the way she phrases things and makes me see it in a new way that makes me able to have a light flip on that was out before."

"I have been dealing with quite a slew of issues, but after working with Mackenzie, I feel significantly more able to go forward in my life with effective strategies that match my abilities and goals. Mackenzie guided me toward establishing healthier boundaries, being more self-reflective, relying on both emotions and logic when confronting issues, and finding concrete ways to alleviate stress and anger at issues outside of my control. She is an incredibly skilled and valuable resource."

Conclusion

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Understanding The Contradiction: I Hate You Don't Leave Me | Betterhelp

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By Sarah Fader Updated March 20, 2020 Reviewer Whitney White, MS. CMHC, NCC., LPC You Can Hate A Person, But Still Want To Be With Them - Read About Why Here Click Here To Get Matched With A Licensed Therapist Today For those who suffer from borderline personality disorder, the subtle nuances of the world are completely missing.

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note to self i guess. i need to get time release for my ADD meds instead of taking them 3 times a day, or instead of taking it 4 like another option was. i hate my motivation waving up and down all day, i hate the manic states i get when i first take it. i hate the comedown sad. my psych has tried lots of times to put me on it but my parents don't want to because it's more expensive then what i'm doing now. i understand that it's expensive, but i just need to feel normal. i'll pay for it myself idc. i just need some stable state to build off of. it's not selfish, everyone else gets to be stable. i crave it too.

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☀ make me look like shit, but how come i'm not the one that feels like it? ☀

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my mind feels blank.
running around in an closed off space.
i'm craving something to fill my time, color my walls,
but not with falling apart, again.
it's black, and empty here,
but it's clean.
this time i know better.
it's in this time that i am realizing how much trouble it's been, building them up, to hold myself together,
that i can't just choose anyone or anything,
any whim,
to just let in.
so i fill it with nothing. so today i am waiting, searching,
for something "that i can't reach".
i cleaned everything up.
but it's empty here.
it's lonely here.
i don't know what to do with that.

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tell me that you love me, but leave me like the rest.

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"we'll never be as young"

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"the things that excite you are not random.
they are connected to your purpose.
follow them."

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pull the trigger on a tuesday, regret it on a friday, pick up the pieces all saturday and sunday, and don't recognize them on a monday.

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<< s/h trigger warning >>
this is a vent of sorts, i guess.
i hate everything about myself for the time being, i don't understand why i can't escape this fuck up of plan my brain has so intricately made with the universe.
everything i love and do is not me. absolutely none of it. i am this mash up of every horrible mental illness in one, and i have no personality outside of that it seems like.
i like pulling risks because I have a self embedded need for self destruction.
i love so hard and get too attached because i guess i fucking wasn't loved or cared for enough as a kid.
i relate so hard to music because i'm obsessed with the thought of being abandoned.
i fight for rights and do protests and shit cause i have to channel my unruly anger somewhere right?
i can tie it to every trait of mine.
mental illness isn't supposed to be like this. It's supposed to attached on to your life. or something like that.
it's like my life is a side effect of being mentally ill.
i feel sick to my stomach.
i am preconditioned to hurt, to ruin, to destroy, and it happens whether i like it or not.
i can't stop it, it's all of me. without this i am nothing. there's nothing left once you strip away what was never wanted in the first place.
i'm just a toddler underneath all of this. i never developed. i am not a person.
all i crave is the ability to find myself.
and it seems like skimming the edges of my insides will never be enough.
i should have figured out by now that i  need to cut deeper, i need to shed this skin, to rid myself of these illnesses.
my brain may be fucked up but maybe without, my soul isn't.
therapy won't make it go away.
medication won't make it go away.
i need to find myself.

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Habits (Stay High) - Hippie Sabotage Remix

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Habits (Stay High) - Hippie Sabotage Remix

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Aš tave myliu. Aš galvoju apie tai daugiau nei turėčiau.

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"night knuckles"

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"aftermath"

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"living dead"

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11 Minutes (with Halsey feat. Travis Barker)

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11 Minutes (with Halsey feat. Travis Barker)

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Cavetown – Pigeon (Official Music Video)

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"sharing beds like little kids
laughing 'til our ribs get tough
but that will never be enough"