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Hey Santino, i love how you talked about how the book was crusty, musty and dusty, that was very funny. Also something that I loved is the name Jermiah Wood. I feel like I heard that name before,and also brake griffin is a basketball. Something that i think you should work on is all the uppercases and what not but overall great essay

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Hi, SANTINO! I loved the concept of your piece and what it turned out to be. My favorite part was what ended up happening with the book. Something you could’ve done better was add some more detail to your writing.

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Hey Santino the roach rat unicorn super spicy specimen, One thing I enjoyed about your piece was the funnier parts “so dirty he thought he could get sick by just looking at it. ” and when you said “He reached for the crusty, musty, dusty, dirty, book.” These pieces really add some character to the stories. One other thing I enjoyed was the way you flashed back to the wall from earlier in the library. “The guy he asked what year, looked like one of those guys on the wall.” This showed your understanding of the story’s past sections and showed your growth as a writer. One wish I have for your writing piece is to fix this sentence, “You will know when it is over because I will come out and tell you face to face.” This kind of confuses me because later in the story you got a letter and none came and told you to your face. :))))

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What’s up cous! A part of your story I think you did well was figurative language. There was a metric ton of figurative language that really added to the story’s setting. This made the story more enjoyable to read. I also loved how you shrunk down the time into less things that made it more engaging for the reader. Like Blake shot one person and the war was won. One suggestion for this piece would be to double check the spelling. For example, you said black and not Blake which might of confused the reader.

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Hi santino, I could offer some help when you said “The other people talking about how the game is so much fun. He is making a lot of new friends while he plays.” I think if you added some more detailed words to these two sentences it would make them a tad bit better to understand. I think If you said something like “He hears his teammates talking about the exciting intensity of the game. He chats with them for an hour or two, and realizes that he gained multiple new friends during his playing time.” One thing I liked about your essay was when you said “Definitely, kids can grow more joy from playing video games.” I liked how you didnt use something like “Definitely kids can be happier from playing video games.” The word “Grow” Accentuates the point of this paragraph. Another thing I liked when you said “ It is important to realize That kids play video games for fun, but also have a healthy impact on them.” This is great because you said how kids do enjoy video games and use them for fun purposes, but they are beneficial.

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Hi Santino! A strength of your essay is how many detailed language you used in your piece. As you explained, “%76 of married couples said when they play World of Warcraft together marriage is easier. In addition, I like how many games you ended up mentioning in your piece. However, you could’ve improved on using more games because you are talking about how video games help.

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Hi Santino, the strength of your essay is in the beginning when you explain why we should let kids play video games. Because kid shave fun playing video games .Another strength of your essay is the second paragraph when you explain a kid who is getting  the video games taken away. A wish that i have for you is at the very last sentence make it more beefy but over all you did great.

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I loved your metaphor “My legs were like race cars, in the middle of a race”. The ending was very good and how you thought how one day you will be as good as them, really powerful. I do recommend you make the memoir longer though.

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I really enjoyed all the action that was going on in your piece. For example why you said you were at lighting speed, bolting across the ice, pushing your legs on the cold slippery ice. You also had insane details in your piece. For example when you said you were packing your sweaty gloves, wet helmet and moist shine pads I thought it was amazing. I don't have a wish for your piece because it was great.

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A strength of your piece maybe one day is that straight away I know that it was about hockey. This is good because people will know that you are a big hockey guy. Also that people know your setting straight away. Another thing I thought you did well was that you made the title a line in your memoir. It’s nice to see your title in the book because it shows the readers that the title was more than the title and that it is what you felt. Something I wished you could have added more of was figurative language. You only put in the acquired amount and I wished you added more. Also take out the pun “I was using my snake to drag the puck back and forth.

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one thing about your memoir is when you said my legs were race cars, I think that's a good metaphor.also one thing i like is your ending that ending is super powerful.I don’t really have any bad feedback

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One of the things i thought you did well was when you said you wanted to scream back And that showed how you have inner thought when you play. One of the thongs you also did well was when you described how bad your equipment smelled. One of the things i wish you could do better was when you described how you hit the glass and the puck dented that’s impossible i know your shot to that was the one thing i saw Oliver all good peice.

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I like how you said “my equipment smelt so bad I thought I was going to die”, that was a great exaggeration on your part. I also like how much detail you added in your piece all the similes and onomatopoeia you added were fantastic.

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I like the way you expanded on getting buried. You said all the fun stuff about getting buried. Then all the dark terrible stuff about being buried. Also I have been through a worst burial experience then just getting a rash. But it is a really good thing to have three sentences about being buried. I also thought it was really cool that you included your love of ice hockey.  You have like 8 (this was a guess) sentences about ice hockey. Also how you included how you turned your basement into a hockey practice area. It really shows that you love hockey more than anything else. I noticed that you didn’t do great with spelling. You spell buried like burrid and then you did this: basementand. Next time you write a piece try to pay more attention to spelling. Spelling will make everything easy to understand. If you can’t figure out a word try you best.

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A strength is their word choices and how they put it. Their intro was great, but they have to work on is the L.B.I someone who didn’t know what that is would be confused.

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One of the things i thought you did well was that you explained how you have been playing hockey for 3 years and how “it is the best feeling when you score“ (you know i can relate) i loved how you incorporated how you like renting a house at .L.B.I. That has a basement so that you can play video games. One of the things i wish you added was some of your dislikes. (Over all great piece)

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A strength of your piece is how you added little details that helped bring out a bigger meaning, I also like how you seemed really excited in the story because you used exciting words so I could see a mood in your writing. One thing you could work on is adding more things that you like and dislike but besides that the story was great.

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Hi Santino It your friend Andrew (Patches) 

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Hi Santino It your friend Andrew (Patches) 

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One of your most amazing parts of the story is your  beginning! It shows how much you love hockey and that you have no regrets and I love that.  For example “I absolutely idolize Ice hockey.  I have been playing it for 3 years now and I don’t regret one part of it. ” That is a great way of showing you detail about what you love. A thing I wish you did was put more things about what you do in your free time.

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First, I like how descriptive you are. You really describe how you need a basement in L.B.I. I like how you wrote your goal for hockey, I also like how you wrote about hockey. Maybe add a little more about yourself into it.

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One thing you did well was introduce yourself and greet the readers and tell them some short but sweet words about your family and loving for LBI right off the bat. How you explained in detail why you love it and telling the readers how you go to L.B.I. Every year you rent a beach house. Great example telling how. “We always get a house that has a basement So me, my brother, and two cousins can play video games.”

I also like how immediately you tell the reader how much you “Idolize Ice Hockey and have been playing it for three years now and have no regrets at all.” I can tell you have a passion for Ice Hockey from reading this sentence and you explained it well so all your readers could see it.

However I would like to offer up my opinion on your writing piece, you tell the readers how much you love Ice Hockey and LBI and renting houses and playing video games and how you hate get your phone taken away, yet you could add a little more detail so we can see it and paint a picture in our minds, for example instead of saying “I don’t like getting my phone taken away from me because there is not much else to do in my room then play video games and go on my phone.” You could say, I hate getting my phone taken away, one reason is other than my video games. My room is empty and dull and I get bored sitting in my room alone with nothing to do staring at the ceiling or wall etc…

Maybe just paint a picture in your readers mind as well as telling them so they can really see it.