# data[].attributes.body
Hays is a young boy who is in year 5. He is secretly one of the king pranksters. He enjoys playing pranks on people, but not just any ordinary pranks. Hays plays HORRID pranks. The best one he's ever done was on his teacher. It was Monday morning, Hays was about play a prank on his friend (who was a beginner) but he decided to play it on his teacher, who was always late in the class. " Are you thinking about playing a prank on the teacher, again". Whispered Jack.

"Why would I do that"? Hays yelled

The teacher walked in and.....

# data[].attributes.body
I was on the run from the police, I had just stolen a huge bunch of pink daffodils. Then I  stopped. It was a bridge so I sprinkled the daffodils off the bridge so they wouldn't have any evidence to blame it on me. Then I looked up. They had blocked off the end of the  bridge. I jumped off the bridge into the lake. I was pulled through the water  then everything went black. I woke up on an island. I thought it was a dream, I shouted  to see if anybody was there, but it was no use.

# data[].attributes.body
I opened the mailbox as I wondered what fun exciting packages and letters I would find for myself. I scrambled through the little metal box as a letter caught my eye. The envelope was sealed with a wax sticker like in the olden days. Written on the envelope said:

For Chloe Edenburg

10 Crest Street

London, England

"That's me!" exclaimed Chloe  "I wonder who sent it?". She turned the envelope around to reveal in neat cursive writing:

From: Unknown

I opened the envelope as I read the contents of the letter, I was aware of the smile on my face.
To Emi,
I think you did a good job! I was trying to find something boring but found nothing. CONGRATULATIONS!

# data[].attributes.headline
Once upon a time,  a little girl went for a walk. She was just an ordinary girl in an ordinary pink hoodie. Creak the girl opened a door and entered an old house. It was beautiful. As she walked up the stairs she saw paintings of wonderful things. She looked out the window. She could see a river, a beautiful one. She kept walking up the never ending stairs until she hit a stop. The last opening was infront of her, she was nervous, she opened the dark chipped door. Then she was pushed into and oven and cooked alive.

# data[].attributes.subject
Once upon a time,  a little girl went for a walk. She was just an ordinary girl in an ordinary pink hoodie. Creak the girl opened a door and entered an old house. It was beautiful. As she walked up the stairs she saw paintings of wonderful things. She looked out the window. She could see a river, a beautiful one. She kept walking up the never ending stairs until she hit a stop. The last opening was infront of her, she was nervous, she opened the dark chipped door. Then she was pushed into and oven and cooked alive.

# data[].attributes.body
Hi Xavier,
Your title was quite boring i think it should go one frosty day or something like that.

Morgan

# data[].attributes.body
Once upon a time a giant candy gun stood on a wall in the city. People always tried to bend it. But one day  when the guards came to guard the gun it had been bent and someone had bitten it. The guards bosses were angry so they put in security cameras and censors.

It was very high security but one night the whole giant gun was gone and the security cameras picked up nothing. The guards did not see anything. But the censors picked up something. It was a very quick movement but now the guards knew who it was.

i think the introduction is boring and the title could have been shorter

# data[].attributes.headline
I was in my car but we were lost. We were driving everywhere until we stopped. There was a cliff and I wanted to look down so I did..... So as I looked over the edge I saw a city with no laws. I jumped off but I didn't die. My parents jumped off as well and it was so cool. People introduced us to the place and said you can do whatever you want here. We stayed there for the night and they told us the way back. After that we went on our holiday in the beautiful Paihia.

# data[].attributes.subject
I was in my car but we were lost. We were driving everywhere until we stopped. There was a cliff and I wanted to look down so I did..... So as I looked over the edge I saw a city with no laws. I jumped off but I didn't die. My parents jumped off as well and it was so cool. People introduced us to the place and said you can do whatever you want here. We stayed there for the night and they told us the way back. After that we went on our holiday in the beautiful Paihia.

# data[].attributes.body
First of all you should use more descriptive sentences. There is not much detail so how you said you could do anything there you should say you did there

# data[].attributes.body
I

# data[].attributes.body
As I was walking up the stairs to my bedroom, I looked out the big window that gives us a magnificent view of the pink river that is about a 5 minute walk from here. Once I was in my bedroom I found a biscuit that my mum had cooked. I hopped into my bed, opened up my computer and continued writing my speech. I was very nervous for it. After about 1 paragraph I starting watching Netflix and about 10 minutes into my movie I was called down for dinner. We were having my favorite dinner, it was Nachos!

this is my comment:
Hey Noah

As you probably know my real name is actually Noah i love nachos!!!!!!!! you did a good job at that although maybe a more interesting title.

#DRUMMERSLOTH OUT

# data[].attributes.body
Written by Jake
One day there in a a small lake. There was a brown gold fish, he had no friends his famlie did

not want him so he had to leave. But as he travelled a storm came out of nowhere and  the brown goldfish flew up in the air in the wind. And when the brown gold fish woke up he was in a fish tank there was another gold fish said. Some one saved you from the storm he foad you in the gutter on the roof he had to use a ladder to get you out and he put you in the fish tank.

First of all there was a couple of spelling mistakes. The title is boring as well, I would change it to 'The tsunami.' Some of the story didn't make sense as well like when you said 'the man had to use a ladder to get you out.' How does the other gold fish know that? I think it didn't really need to be in there.
-Feedback by Jorja M

# data[].attributes.body
inside them. I wondered what lived in them

# data[].attributes.body
by Emily
A girl called Tiffany woke up in the morning. She was really tired but she got ready for school. She went to the kitchen and saw her mum, "Tiffany can you help me open this jam?" asked her mum "ok"answered Tiffany. She tried to help but the lid was on too tight so she tried to open it again but the jam fell on the floor and on Tiffany's toes. It hurt her toes so much however she couldn't believe what she had done. Her mum was very very mad at her and said to be very careful next time.

you could work on you speech punctuation because once you come to the end of the speech like "OK?" that gives the reader a fair idea that she is not quite sure what it is

# data[].attributes.headline
HIS POST WAS BORING BECAUSE I FOUND HIS POST DIDN'T APPEAL TO EVERY ONE AND WAS A BIT ODD I DIDN'T ENJOY IT AND I FOUND IT DIDN'T REALLY INTEREST ME IT ALSO DIDN'T USE ANY SIGNIFICANT WRITING TECHNIQUE

# data[].attributes.subject
HIS POST WAS BORING BECAUSE I FOUND HIS POST DIDN'T APPEAL TO EVERY ONE AND WAS A BIT ODD I DIDN'T ENJOY IT AND I FOUND IT DIDN'T REALLY INTEREST ME IT ALSO DIDN'T USE ANY SIGNIFICANT WRITING TECHNIQUE

# data[].attributes.body
jocelyn MY BIRTHDAY

By Callum on Jun 25, 2018

" Yesssssssssss" I screamed. It was my birthday, I got into my  costume,  we were going to star wars laser tag and it was outside. Then I quickly ate my waffles, I raced up to  my parents bedroom and got my present. "Yaaaaaaaaaay yippppy!" I shouted with joy. It was a smart soccer ball which you can see all your stats like how far you kicked it, how fast you kick it. So far this was the best birthday ever. But then my mum said the party was cancelled, because it had been raining all morning. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"  I screamed.

# data[].attributes.body
As I walked up the stairs to go to my room I looked behind me to see what mum was cooking in the kitchen and I yelled out to her from the top of the stairs "that spaghetti bolognese looks cooked to me". I looked into my sisters room to see the progress that the painters had made while I was at school. (Her room was getting painted bright pink). I finally got to my room and looked out the window there was a river. It made me nervous having a river by his house...What would happen if it flooded?

I think you could maybe describe how you were walking up the stairs instead of just saying as i walked up the stairs. You could say: stomping, sprinting, running or jumping up the stairs

# data[].attributes.body
RACHEL!
RACHEL!
Elwood
 Elwood
 have a bo
 Elwood
Elwood
have a book. This book is the best. And as I read the contents of the letter, I was aware of the smile on my face, that's how good it is. All the time, it was the best book. But one night someone broke into my house and stole the book. I didn't hear him as well so when I woke up I looked everywhere for the book but I couldn't find it. So I went to the library and got a new book and I love it just the same, and finished it in no time at all.  

     
BrAdLeY
BrAdLeY
Pink glass stairs built up to the top floor. I was in a room which had a bunch of stairs leading to the top of the building. It was so hot outside and I was now feeling like I was getting cooked. Walking up the stairs I really needed to pee. A river inside me waved around making me need to go even more. I was starting to feel nervous as lots of people were on the tour with me. I just had to go. Pee streamed through my pants and onto the floor. Everyone turned around to face me.
by Landon
1.Needs more adjectives to describe the surroundings and were he is. 

Shaunn Sweat broke on my scalp. I scorched my eyes through the tiny gap in the middle of the cupboard. Right now I was in my closet, as our whole family was playing hide and seek. A shadow fell on the ground. "My brother was in my room." I thought intensely. My brother busted into my hiding spot. "AAHH!"Wrapping my hands around my brother I tackled him roughly to the floor. Mum and dad heard the crying. They rushed out their hiding spots and ran into the room. "Mum!!!! Landan pushed me over." "Why would I do that!?" I answered cheekily .
Shaunn Sweat broke on my scalp. I scorched my eyes through the tiny gap in the middle of the cupboard. Right now I was in my closet, as our whole family was playing hide and seek. A shadow fell on the ground. "My brother was in my room." I thought intensely. My brother busted into my hiding spot. "AAHH!"Wrapping my hands around my brother I tackled him roughly to the floor. Mum and dad heard the crying. They rushed out their hiding spots and ran into the room. "Mum!!!! Landan pushed me over." "Why would I do that!?" I answered cheekily .
The year was 1818. This town was about to have something that had not happened in a long time. The Red Robin was about to rob the local bank in town. She had dressed in disguise to cover her true identity. She walked into the bank she looked around she saw a door that said "NO ENTRY". She walked in without anyone seeing her, as she thought. The Sheriff was in the bank he saw The Red Robin come out with 4 big bags of cash. She dropped them, pulled out a gun and yelled "Anyone who moves is dead"!
The year was 1818. This town was about to have something that had not happened in a long time. The Red Robin was about to rob the local bank in town. She had dressed in disguise to cover her true identity. She walked into the bank she looked around she saw a door that said "NO ENTRY". She walked in without anyone seeing her, as she thought. The Sheriff was in the bank he saw The Red Robin come out with 4 big bags of cash. She dropped them, pulled out a gun and yelled "Anyone who moves is dead"!


THE BORING THING WAS THAT SHE ALWAYS SAID ELLIE AND COULD HAVE USED MORE WORDS LIKE:
THE BORING THING WAS THAT SHE ALWAYS SAID ELLIE AND COULD HAVE USED MORE WORDS LIKE:
SHE
HER
I 
MY
 - BY JOCELYN
Fire and Ice


By 
Ana on Aug 6, 2018
The clock was ticking  to the last seconds of school. Regularly Ellie would be excited but she had a bad feeling about this summer. All of sudden a giant flame shot out of the sky, then a lime green light  shined and some ice appeared and stopped the fire. The fire hit back. The bright red fire was slowly getting closer to the classroom that Ellie was in it seemed to be connected to Ellie somehow Ellie stepped outside. Then in the same time  fire and ice hit her she started to glow but she was never seen again. 

Amelia
Amelia 
Waking up that morning was a fabulous affair. It felt like I was floating on a marshmallow! Suddenly suspicious, doubt crossed my mind, because my bed usually isn't that comfy. Slowly opening my eyes, my eyes roved around. I was in fact floating on pink, fluffy slime! "Whaa....?" I trailed off, nervous. Getting out of the bed of slime, I looked around. There was a blue slime river running at the bottom of a valley, and there where green trees that looked like slightly cooked rubber balls, with little stairs leading up inside them. I wondered what lived in them...
Try show don't tell it's boring telling everyone what your on. 
Walking up the c

Walking up the cherry pink stairs, Mia looked past her shoulder at the clear river. Then stomping though the kitchen, the smell of pancakes filled her nostrils.  She sat at the head of the table waiting for her family to fill the seats in front of her. After waiting for her parents to wake up, she was nervous to start eating without them, as they always ate together. But not being able to stop herself, Mia slowly started to eat the freshly cooked pancakes, which she had lathered in maple syrup. As Mia finished her food noises came from downstairs.

I think she needs to change her title because it is very boring and im pretty sure everyone would know if its a 100wc or not.
Walking up the cherry pink stairs, Mia looked past her shoulder at the clear river. Then stomping though the kitchen, the smell of pancakes filled her nostrils. She sat at the head of the table waiting for her family to fill the seats in front of her. After waiting for her parents to wake up, she was nervous to start eating without them, as they always ate together. But not being able to stop herself, Mia slowly started to eat the freshly cooked pancakes, which she had lathered in maple syrup. As Mia finished her food noises came from downstairs.
Walking up the cherry pink stairs, Mia looked past her shoulder at the clear river. Then stomping though the kitchen, the smell of pancakes filled her nostrils.  She sat at the head of the table waiting for her family to fill the seats in front of her. After waiting for her parents to wake up, she was nervous to start eating without them, as they always ate together. But not being able to stop herself, Mia slowly started to eat the freshly cooked pancakes, which she had lathered in maple syrup. As Mia finished her food noises came from downstairs.
: i think that this piece of writting is alittle boring because it doesnt have a sizzling start or a pebble rock bolder but it was very descriptive and she showed in her story that she loves pancakes using a kind of shw dont tell method.
Once upon a time, a little girl went for a walk. She was just an ordinary girl in an ordinary pink hoodie. Creak the girl opened a door and entered an old house. It was beautiful. As she walked up the stairs she saw paintings of wonderful things. She looked out the window. She could see a river, a beautiful one. She kept walking up the never ending stairs until she hit a stop. The last opening was infront of her, she was nervous, she opened the dark chipped door. Then she was pushed into and oven and cooked alive.
Once upon a time,  a little girl went for a walk. She was just an ordinary girl in an ordinary pink hoodie. Creak the girl opened a door and entered an old house. It was beautiful. As she walked up the stairs she saw paintings of wonderful things. She looked out the window. She could see a river, a beautiful one. She kept walking up the never ending stairs until she hit a stop. The last opening was infront of her, she was nervous, she opened the dark chipped door. Then she was pushed into and oven and cooked alive.

Hi Xavier,
Your title was quite boring i think it should go one frosty day or something like that.

Morgan
Jorja D
Jorja D
Once upon a time,  a little girl went for a walk. She was just an ordinary girl in an ordinary pink hoodie. Creak the girl opened a door and entered an old house. It was beautiful. As she walked up the stairs she saw paintings of wonderful things. She looked out the window. She could see a river, a beautiful one. She kept walking up the never ending stairs until she hit a stop. The last opening was infront of her, she was nervous, she opened the dark chipped door. Then she was pushed into and oven and cooked alive.

The starting of your sentence Once Upon A time. you could change it to something like: what day you want it to be, date and maybe time. 
Charlie
Charlie
Pink glass stairs built up to the top floor. I was in a room which had a bunch of stairs leading to the top of the building. It was so hot outside and I was now feeling like I was getting cooked. Walking up the stairs I really needed to pee. A river inside me waved around making me need to go even more. I was starting to feel nervous as lots of people were on the tour with me. I just had to go. Pee streamed through my pants and onto the floor. Everyone turned around to face me.
Hi Landan
I think you should
Once upon A TimeXavier By Xavier on Aug 27, 2018Once upon a time, a little girl went for a walk. She was just an ordinary girl in an ordinary pink hoodie. Creak the girl opened a door and entered an old house. It was beautiful. As she walked up the stairs she saw paintings of wonderful things. She looked out the window. She could see a river, a beautiful one. She kept walking up the never ending stairs until she hit a stop. The last opening was infront of her, she was nervous, she opened the dark chipped door. Then she was pushed into and oven and cooked alive.
Once upon A TimeXavier By Xavier on Aug 27, 2018Once upon a time,  a little girl went for a walk. She was just an ordinary girl in an ordinary pink hoodie. Creak the girl opened a door and entered an old house. It was beautiful. As she walked up the stairs she saw paintings of wonderful things. She looked out the window. She could see a river, a beautiful one. She kept walking up the never ending stairs until she hit a stop. The last opening was infront of her, she was nervous, she opened the dark chipped door. Then she was pushed into and oven and cooked alive.

The title is BORING - Change it to something exciting, for example "the ordinary day of an ordinary girl. 
Izzy
Izzy 
Waking up that morning was a fabulous affair. It felt like I was floating on a marshmallow! Suddenly suspicious, doubt crossed my mind, because my bed usually isn't that comfy. Slowly opening my eyes, my eyes roved around. I was in fact floating on pink, fluffy slime! "Whaa....?" I trailed off, nervous. Getting out of the bed of slime, I looked around. There was a blue slime river running at the bottom of a valley, and there where green trees that looked like slightly cooked rubber balls, with little stairs leading up inside them. I wondered what lived in them... 
Comment: hi harlo,
I loved reading your story but maybe next time you could come up with a less boring title. Like slime time or even time to get slimed.
Empty
Elwood
Elwood
have a book. This book is the best. And as I read the contents of the letter, I was aware of the smile on my face, that's how good it is. All the time, it was the best book. But one night someone broke into my house and stole the book. I didn't hear him as well so when I woke up I looked everywhere for the book but I couldn't find it. So I went to the library and got a new book and I love it just the same, and finished it in no time at all.  


     
BrAdLeY
BrAdLeY
Pink glass stairs built up to the top floor. I was in a room which had a bunch of stairs leading to the top of the building. It was so hot outside and I was now feeling like I was getting cooked. Walking up the stairs I really needed to pee. A river inside me waved around making me need to go even more. I was starting to feel nervous as lots of people were on the tour with me. I just had to go. Pee streamed through my pants and onto the floor. Everyone turned around to face me.
by Landon
1.Needs more adjectives to describe the surroundings and were he is. 
2.
Shaunn Sweat broke on my scalp. I scorched my eyes through the tiny gap in the middle of the cupboard. Right now I was in my closet, as our whole family was playing hide and seek. A shadow fell on the ground. "My brother was in my room." I thought intensely. My brother busted into my hiding spot. "AAHH!"Wrapping my hands around my brother I tackled him roughly to the floor. Mum and dad heard the crying. They rushed out their hiding spots and ran into the room. "Mum!!!! Landan pushed me over." "Why would I do that!?" I answered cheekily .
Shaunn Sweat broke on my scalp. I scorched my eyes through the tiny gap in the middle of the cupboard. Right now I was in my closet, as our whole family was playing hide and seek. A shadow fell on the ground. "My brother was in my room." I thought intensely. My brother busted into my hiding spot. "AAHH!"Wrapping my hands around my brother I tackled him roughly to the floor. Mum and dad heard the crying. They rushed out their hiding spots and ran into the room. "Mum!!!! Landan pushed me over." "Why would I do that!?" I answered cheekily .
The year was 1818. This town was about to have something that had not happened in a long time. The Red Robin was about to rob the local bank in town. She had dressed in disguise to cover her true identity. She walked into the bank she looked around she saw a door that said "NO ENTRY". She walked in without anyone seeing her, as she thought. The Sheriff was in the bank he saw The Red Robin come out with 4 big bags of cash. She dropped them, pulled out a gun and yelled "Anyone who moves is dead"!
The year was 1818. This town was about to have something that had not happened in a long time. The Red Robin was about to rob the local bank in town. She had dressed in disguise to cover her true identity. She walked into the bank she looked around she saw a door that said "NO ENTRY". She walked in without anyone seeing her, as she thought. The Sheriff was in the bank he saw The Red Robin come out with 4 big bags of cash. She dropped them, pulled out a gun and yelled "Anyone who moves is dead"!

Hi kiera
THE BORING THING WAS THAT SHE ALWAYS SAID ELLIE AND COULD HAVE USED MORE WORDS LIKE:
THE BORING THING WAS THAT SHE ALWAYS SAID ELLIE AND COULD HAVE USED MORE WORDS LIKE:
SHE
HER
I 
MY
 - BY JOCELYN
Fire and Ice

By 
Ana on Aug 6, 2018
The clock was ticking  to the last seconds of school. Regularly Ellie would be excited but she had a bad feeling about this summer. All of sudden a giant flame shot out of the sky, then a lime green light  shined and some ice appeared and stopped the fire. The fire hit back. The bright red fire was slowly getting closer to the classroom that Ellie was in it seemed to be connected to Ellie somehow Ellie stepped outside. Then in the same time  fire and ice hit her she started to glow but she was never seen again. 

Amelia
Amelia 
Waking up that morning was a fabulous affair. It felt like I was floating on a marshmallow! Suddenly suspicious, doubt crossed my mind, because my bed usually isn't that comfy. Slowly opening my eyes, my eyes roved around. I was in fact floating on pink, fluffy slime! "Whaa....?" I trailed off, nervous. Getting out of the bed of slime, I looked around. There was a blue slime river running at the bottom of a valley, and there where green trees that looked like slightly cooked rubber balls, with little stairs leading up inside them. I wondered what lived in them...
Try show don't tell it's boring telling everyone what your on. 
Zac
Zac
Pancakes 100wc

Walking up the cherry pink stairs, Mia looked past her shoulder at the clear river. Then stomping though the kitchen, the smell of pancakes filled her nostrils.  She sat at the head of the table waiting for her family to fill the seats in front of her. After waiting for her parents to wake up, she was nervous to start eating without them, as they always ate together. But not being able to stop herself, Mia slowly started to eat the freshly cooked pancakes, which she had lathered in maple syrup. As Mia finished her food noises came from downstairs.

I think she needs to change her title because it is very boring and im pretty sure everyone would know if its a 100wc or not.
Walking up the cherry pink stairs, Mia looked past her shoulder at the clear river. Then stomping though the kitchen, the smell of pancakes filled her nostrils. She sat at the head of the table waiting for her family to fill the seats in front of her. After waiting for her parents to wake up, she was nervous to start eating without them, as they always ate together. But not being able to stop herself, Mia slowly started to eat the freshly cooked pancakes, which she had lathered in maple syrup. As Mia finished her food noises came from downstairs.
Walking up the cherry pink stairs, Mia looked past her shoulder at the clear river. Then stomping though the kitchen, the smell of pancakes filled her nostrils.  She sat at the head of the table waiting for her family to fill the seats in front of her. After waiting for her parents to wake up, she was nervous to start eating without them, as they always ate together. But not being able to stop herself, Mia slowly started to eat the freshly cooked pancakes, which she had lathered in maple syrup. As Mia finished her food noises came from downstairs.
: i think that this piece of writting is alittle boring because it doesnt have a sizzling start or a pebble rock bolder but it was very descriptive and she showed in her story that she loves pancakes using a kind of shw dont tell method, she also didnt have a very intreging tittle
Once upon a time, a little girl went for a walk. She was just an ordinary girl in an ordinary pink hoodie. Creak the girl opened a door and entered an old house. It was beautiful. As she walked up the stairs she saw paintings of wonderful things. She looked out the window. She could see a river, a beautiful one. She kept walking up the never ending stairs until she hit a stop. The last opening was infront of her, she was nervous, she opened the dark chipped door. Then she was pushed into and oven and cooked alive.
Once upon a time,  a little girl went for a walk. She was just an ordinary girl in an ordinary pink hoodie. Creak the girl opened a door and entered an old house. It was beautiful. As she walked up the stairs she saw paintings of wonderful things. She looked out the window. She could see a river, a beautiful one. She kept walking up the never ending stairs until she hit a stop. The last opening was infront of her, she was nervous, she opened the dark chipped door. Then she was pushed into and oven and cooked alive.

Hi Xavier,
Your title was quite boring i think it should go one frosty day or something like that.

Morgan
Jorja D
Jorja D
Once upon a time,  a little girl went for a walk. She was just an ordinary girl in an ordinary pink hoodie. Creak the girl opened a door and entered an old house. It was beautiful. As she walked up the stairs she saw paintings of wonderful things. She looked out the window. She could see a river, a beautiful one. She kept walking up the never ending stairs until she hit a stop. The last opening was infront of her, she was nervous, she opened the dark chipped door. Then she was pushed into and oven and cooked alive.

The starting of your sentence Once Upon A time. you could change it to something like: what day you want it to be, date and maybe time. 
Charlie
Charlie
Pink glass stairs built up to the top floor. I was in a room which had a bunch of stairs leading to the top of the building. It was so hot outside and I was now feeling like I was getting cooked. Walking up the stairs I really needed to pee. A river inside me waved around making me need to go even more. I was starting to feel nervous as lots of people were on the tour with me. I just had to go. Pee streamed through my pants and onto the floor. Everyone turned around to face me.
Hi Landan
I think you should
Once upon A TimeXavier By Xavier on Aug 27, 2018Once upon a time, a little girl went for a walk. She was just an ordinary girl in an ordinary pink hoodie. Creak the girl opened a door and entered an old house. It was beautiful. As she walked up the stairs she saw paintings of wonderful things. She looked out the window. She could see a river, a beautiful one. She kept walking up the never ending stairs until she hit a stop. The last opening was infront of her, she was nervous, she opened the dark chipped door. Then she was pushed into and oven and cooked alive.
Once upon A TimeXavier By Xavier on Aug 27, 2018Once upon a time,  a little girl went for a walk. She was just an ordinary girl in an ordinary pink hoodie. Creak the girl opened a door and entered an old house. It was beautiful. As she walked up the stairs she saw paintings of wonderful things. She looked out the window. She could see a river, a beautiful one. She kept walking up the never ending stairs until she hit a stop. The last opening was infront of her, she was nervous, she opened the dark chipped door. Then she was pushed into and oven and cooked alive.

The title is BORING - Change it to something exciting, for example "the ordinary day of an ordinary girl. 
Izzy
Izzy 
Waking up that morning was a fabulous affair. It felt like I was floating on a marshmallow! Suddenly suspicious, doubt crossed my mind, because my bed usually isn't that comfy. Slowly opening my eyes, my eyes roved around. I was in fact floating on pink, fluffy slime! "Whaa....?" I trailed off, nervous. Getting out of the bed of slime, I looked around. There was a blue slime river running at the bottom of a valley, and there where green trees that looked like slightly cooked rubber balls, with little stairs leading up inside them. I wondered what lived in them... 
Comment: hi harlo,
I loved reading your story but maybe next time you could come up with a less boring title. Like slime time or even time to get slimed.

# data[].attributes.body
I have a book. This book is the best. And as I read the contents of the letter, I was aware of the smile on my face, that's how good it is. All the time, it was the best book. But one night someone broke into my house and stole the book. I didn't hear him as well so when I woke up I looked everywhere for the book but I couldn't find it. So I went to the library and got a new book and I love it just the same, and finished it in no time at all.

Hey Floyd,
I have just read your text and it has been really good but next time you might need to wright with a bit more expression or make your sentences a bit longer.

# data[].attributes.body
As I was walking up the stairs to my bedroom, I looked out the big window that gives us a magnificent view of the pink river that is about a 5 minute walk from here. Once I was in my bedroom I found a biscuit that my mum had cooked. I hopped into my bed, opened up my computer and continued writing my speech. I was very nervous for it. After about 1 paragraph I starting watching Netflix and about 10 minutes into my movie I was called down for dinner. We were having my favorite dinner, it was Nachos!

I think it needs a little more description in the first part. I think they could of said how they walked up the stair

# data[].attributes.body
Walking up the cherry pink stairs, Mia looked past her shoulder at the clear river. Then stomping though the kitchen, the smell of pancakes filled her nostrils.  She sat at the head of the table waiting for her family to fill the seats in front of her. After waiting for her parents to wake up, she was nervous to start eating without them, as they always ate together. But not being able to stop herself, Mia slowly started to eat the freshly cooked pancakes, which she had lathered in maple syrup. As Mia finished her food noises came from downstairs.

Wow!
Ivy that was amazing! In my class we are commenting on you how you can make it not boring and that was no where near being boring. l like pancakes as well. Great story!
Dean out

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have a book. This book is the best. And as I read the contents of the letter, I was aware of the smile on my face, that's how good it is. All the time, it was the best book. But one night someone broke into my house and stole the book. I didn't hear him as well so when I woke up I looked everywhere for the book but I couldn't find it. So I went to the library and got a new book and I love it just the same, and finished it in no time at all.

I think make the sentences a bit longer and maybe make it a bit more interesting but overall the story was good.

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Pink glass stairs built up to the top floor. I was in a room which had a bunch of stairs leading to the top of the building. It was so hot outside and I was now feeling like I was getting cooked. Walking up the stairs I really needed to pee. A river inside me waved around making me need to go even more. I was starting to feel nervous as lots of people were on the tour with me. I just had to go. Pee streamed through my pants and onto the floor. Everyone turned around to face me.
by Landon
1.Needs more adjectives to describe the surroundings and were he is.
2. add more of the basics, where, when, why, who

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Shaunn                                         Sweat broke on my scalp. I scorched my eyes through the tiny gap in the middle of the cupboard. Right now I was in my closet, as our whole family was playing hide and seek. A shadow fell on the ground. "My brother was in my room." I thought intensely. My brother busted into my hiding spot. "AAHH!"Wrapping my hands around my brother I tackled him roughly to the floor. Mum and dad heard the crying. They rushed out their hiding spots and ran into the room. "Mum!!!! Landan pushed me over." "Why would I do that!?" I answered cheekily. 

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Shaunn                                         Sweat broke on my scalp. I scorched my eyes through the tiny gap in the middle of the cupboard. Right now I was in my closet, as our whole family was playing hide and seek. A shadow fell on the ground. "My brother was in my room." I thought intensely. My brother busted into my hiding spot. "AAHH!"Wrapping my hands around my brother I tackled him roughly to the floor. Mum and dad heard the crying. They rushed out their hiding spots and ran into the room. "Mum!!!! Landan pushed me over." "Why would I do that!?" I answered cheekily. 

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Nice work I couldn't find anything you could really improve on

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The year was 1818. This town was about to have something that had not happened in a long time. The Red Robin was about to rob the local bank in town. She had dressed in disguise to cover her true identity. She walked into the bank she looked around she saw a door that said "NO ENTRY". She walked in without anyone seeing her, as she thought. The Sheriff was in the bank he saw The Red Robin come out with 4 big bags of cash. She dropped them, pulled out a gun and yelled "Anyone who moves is dead"!

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The year was 1818. This town was about to have something that had not happened in a long time. The Red Robin was about to rob the local bank in town. She had dressed in disguise to cover her true identity. She walked into the bank she looked around she saw a door that said "NO ENTRY". She walked in without anyone seeing her, as she thought. The Sheriff was in the bank he saw The Red Robin come out with 4 big bags of cash. She dropped them, pulled out a gun and yelled "Anyone who moves is dead"!

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Hi Kiera
In your 100wc you said she a lot maby you should say some other words.
form shaylah.

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Waking up that morning was a fabulous affair. It felt like I was floating on a marshmallow! Suddenly suspicious, doubt crossed my mind, because my bed usually isn't that comfy. Slowly opening my eyes, my eyes roved around. I was in fact floating on pink, fluffy slime! "Whaa....?" I trailed off, nervous. Getting out of the bed of slime, I looked around. There was a blue slime river running at the bottom of a valley, and there where green trees that looked like slightly cooked rubber balls, with little stairs leading up inside them. I wondered what lived in them...
Comment: Hi Harlo,
I loved reading your story but maybe next time you could come up with a less boring title. Like slime time or even time to get slimed.

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THE BORING THING WAS THAT SHE ALWAYS SAID ELLIE AND COULD HAVE USED MORE WORDS LIKE:

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THE BORING THING WAS THAT SHE ALWAYS SAID ELLIE AND COULD HAVE USED MORE WORDS LIKE:

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SHE

HER

I

MY

- BY JOCELYN

Fire and Ice

By

Ana on Aug 6, 2018

The clock was ticking  to the last seconds of school. Regularly Ellie would be excited but she had a bad feeling about this summer. All of sudden a giant flame shot out of the sky, then a lime green light  shined and some ice appeared and stopped the fire. The fire hit back. The bright red fire was slowly getting closer to the classroom that Ellie was in it seemed to be connected to Ellie somehow Ellie stepped outside. Then in the same time  fire and ice hit her she started to glow but she was never seen again.

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Waking up that morning was a fabulous affair. It felt like I was floating on a marshmallow! Suddenly suspicious, doubt crossed my mind, because my bed usually isn't that comfy. Slowly opening my eyes, my eyes roved around. I was in fact floating on pink, fluffy slime! "Whaa....?" I trailed off, nervous. Getting out of the bed of slime, I looked around. There was a blue slime river running at the bottom of a valley, and there where green trees that looked like slightly cooked rubber balls, with little stairs leading up inside them. I wondered what lived in them...
Try show don't tell it's boring telling everyone what your on. I was floating on something that didn't feel like bed it was squishy.

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Pancakes 100wc

Walking up the cherry pink stairs, Mia looked past her shoulder at the clear river. Then stomping though the kitchen, the smell of pancakes filled her nostrils.  She sat at the head of the table waiting for her family to fill the seats in front of her. After waiting for her parents to wake up, she was nervous to start eating without them, as they always ate together. But not being able to stop herself, Mia slowly started to eat the freshly cooked pancakes, which she had lathered in maple syrup. As Mia finished her food noises came from downstairs.

I think she needs to change her title because it is very boring and im pretty sure everyone would know if its a 100wc or not.

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Walking up the cherry pink stairs, Mia looked past her shoulder at the clear river. Then stomping though the kitchen, the smell of pancakes filled her nostrils.  She sat at the head of the table waiting for her family to fill the seats in front of her. After waiting for her parents to wake up, she was nervous to start eating without them, as they always ate together. But not being able to stop herself, Mia slowly started to eat the freshly cooked pancakes, which she had lathered in maple syrup. As Mia finished her food noises came from downstairs.

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Walking up the cherry pink stairs, Mia looked past her shoulder at the clear river. Then stomping though the kitchen, the smell of pancakes filled her nostrils.  She sat at the head of the table waiting for her family to fill the seats in front of her. After waiting for her parents to wake up, she was nervous to start eating without them, as they always ate together. But not being able to stop herself, Mia slowly started to eat the freshly cooked pancakes, which she had lathered in maple syrup. As Mia finished her food noises came from downstairs.

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: i think that this piece of writting is alittle boring because it doesnt have a sizzling start or a pebble rock bolder but it was very descriptive and she showed in her story that she loves pancakes using a kind of shw dont tell method, she also didnt have a very intreging tittle

Ashley

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Once upon a time,  a little girl went for a walk. She was just an ordinary girl in an ordinary pink hoodie. Creak the girl opened a door and entered an old house. It was beautiful. As she walked up the stairs she saw paintings of wonderful things. She looked out the window. She could see a river, a beautiful one. She kept walking up the never ending stairs until she hit a stop. The last opening was infront of her, she was nervous, she opened the dark chipped door. Then she was pushed into and oven and cooked alive.

The starting of your sentence Once Upon A time. you could change it to something like: what day you want it to be, date and maybe time.

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Pink glass stairs built up to the top floor. I was in a room which had a bunch of stairs leading to the top of the building. It was so hot outside and I was now feeling like I was getting cooked. Walking up the stairs I really needed to pee. A river inside me waved around making me need to go even more. I was starting to feel nervous as lots of people were on the tour with me. I just had to go. Pee streamed through my pants and onto the floor. Everyone turned around to face me.
Hi Landan
I think you should use some show don't tell by just saying that you were getting cooked instead of saying it's hot outside and he's being cooked.

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Once upon A TimeXavier By Xavier on Aug 27, 2018Once upon a time,  a little girl went for a walk. She was just an ordinary girl in an ordinary pink hoodie. Creak the girl opened a door and entered an old house. It was beautiful. As she walked up the stairs she saw paintings of wonderful things. She looked out the window. She could see a river, a beautiful one. She kept walking up the never ending stairs until she hit a stop. The last opening was infront of her, she was nervous, she opened the dark chipped door. Then she was pushed into and oven and cooked alive.

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Once upon A TimeXavier By Xavier on Aug 27, 2018Once upon a time,  a little girl went for a walk. She was just an ordinary girl in an ordinary pink hoodie. Creak the girl opened a door and entered an old house. It was beautiful. As she walked up the stairs she saw paintings of wonderful things. She looked out the window. She could see a river, a beautiful one. She kept walking up the never ending stairs until she hit a stop. The last opening was infront of her, she was nervous, she opened the dark chipped door. Then she was pushed into and oven and cooked alive.

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The title is BORING - Change it to something exciting, for example "the ordinary day of an ordinary girl.