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SENG (Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted)

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SENG (Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted)

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By Stephanie S. Tolan

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byrdseed.com

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When speaking and writing about gifted kids, I frequently hear this sort of comment:

I don't think we should label students. Kids are all so different that labels only harm them.

While I agree that all kids are different (I mean, does anyone disagree with this?), labels do serve a useful, but limited, function.

Groceries!

Think about the big labels on the walls of grocery stores: produce, meat, dairy, etc. These labels guide you to a certain section. From there, you can be certain that everything in the section will share some generally agreed upon criteria.

But within the section, there's a wide variety of choices. Many of those choices are very different. By labeling them both as "produce," we aren't denying that onions and apples are different. Even within the "apple" category there's a wide variety of appearances, flavors, and sizes.

Once you're in the meat section, it's obvious that you need to pay attention to individual packages, lest you go home with pork chops instead of ground beef.

Grocery stores would be terrible experiences without these labels to guide us. Imagine if a few cereal boxes were mixed in with the pasta, and some apples were sitting with the milk. It would make shopping way harder.

Labels and Students

It's the same with our students. If a student is labeled as "gifted," you know that they're likely to have certain characteristics. This general understanding helps you to teach them more effectively as you get to know their unique needs.

We don't assume all kids identified as "gifted" are the same, just as we don't expect each kind of apple to be the same.

Having a vocabulary to summarize a person's needs is incredibly powerful. Once I understood what the label "gifted" meant, it sure helped me understand myself better. Learning about "introversion" and "intuition" through Myers-Briggs helps me be a better human. The labels give me a vocabulary to understand why I have different needs than other people. And it helps me understand those other people better.

Understand Labels' Limitations

Are there people who use labels to make bad decisions? Of course. But if a shopper grabs pork chops instead of ground beef, that's their fault, not the big "meat" sign on the wall's.

This is why I think explaining labels is so vital to help kids, parents, and teachers. Labels are *useless (and even dangerous) if they aren't understood. A big "produce" sign means nothing if you think it means "food that comes from a cow."

And from my experiences working with kids, parents, and teachers, we have a lot of work to do to better explain the "gifted" label.

Read more about what the label "gifted" means.

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When speaking and writing about gifted kids, I frequently hear this sort of comment: I don't think we should label students. Kids are all so different that labels only harm them. While I agree that all kids are different (I mean, does anyone disagree with this?), labels do serve a useful, but limited, function.

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By Francis Heylighen, PhD

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Highly gifted people have a number of personality traits that set them apart, and that are not obviously connected to the traits of intelligence, IQ, or creativity that are most often used to define the category.

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By Paula Prober

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If you've been raised in a seriously dysfunctional family or your compassionate, smart, sensitive, rainforest mind has experienced other chainsaws over the years, or both, it'll be important for you to mend your broken heart. The mending takes time, patience, and care. You will likely need help on the journey.

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By Gail Post Ph.D.

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Gifted children can present quite a challenge when it comes to discipline. Whether throwing a tantrum mid-aisle at the grocery store, or questioning your rules with legalistic flair, your gifted child is no stranger to intensity... or conflict... or pushing the limits.

Parenting and disciplining a gifted child requires some different strategies than might be needed with other children. The following include some of the differences that just might apply to your child:

Be prepared for questions, debates, and endless dialogue about your rationale. This does not mean, of course, that you must debate every decision. Distinguish between reasonable requests for an explanation (why we can't get a puppy) and a manipulation to change your mind ("you let my sister stay up later three years ago, so I should be able to now"). Offer a clear, understandable reason and move on.

2. They expect fairness, logic and honesty

All kids do... but gifted kids, in particular, will rebel if they believe they are deceived or if decisions seem illogical. You don't have to share personal information (dad and I are stressed, so we need a weekend out of town), but outright deception (taking her to the dentist when you told her you were going out to get ice cream) will build distrust.

3. Their immaturity will surprise you

Despite their astonishing intellect, gifted children can display a surprising level of immaturity at times. They may melt down at the most inopportune moment, embarrass you with their lack of social skills (often due to asynchronous development), and refuse to use that logic you know they possess. Their immature behavior is more noticeable because of how much it contrasts with their heightened intellectual abilities.

4. They may abandon logic, and respond with emotionality, sensitivity, and rigidity

Although logical to a fault, gifted children are often highly sensitive, and may respond to a variety of situations with intensely emotional reactions. These can include emotional outbursts, oversensitivity, and rigidity (such as refusing to wear anything resembling the school color because of anger about homework). Emotional reactivity is more common among toddlers and teens, although can be a factor for some children throughout their childhood.

5. They may lack motivation if they disagree with what is expected

If the task seems unfair, unnecessary, too difficult, too easy, poorly conceived, wasteful, or affronts their values, they will resist. It may be difficult to coax a gifted child to comply when he holds onto the belief that a task is just plain wrong. Under these circumstances, you need to determine whether to insist that we sometimes do things we don't like (such as attend a cousin's wedding), or explain the rationale and long-term benefits behind a given task (why he must "show his work" in math class, even though he calculates most of it now in his head).

6. Sometimes misbehavior is driven by internal conflicts related to giftedness

Some behaviors that create problems may be fueled by conflicts associated with giftedness. Perfectionistic children might procrastinate, have melt-downs, and refuse to complete a task until it meets their standards. Those who grasp information more quickly than their peers - or siblings - may seem bossy and intolerant of others' relatively slow pace. Gifted children who are highly sensitive might struggle with family norms, such as spending holiday time with extended family, and respond with tantrums, or through acting out when they are older. Recognizing these conflicts will offer some understanding that your child is not purposely trying to be difficult, but merely responding to internal struggles that seem overwhelming.

What can parents do?

First of all, stick with the basics of child-raising and discipline

Child-raising basics ideally include providing love, limits, consistency, age-appropriate expectations, a stable home environment, empathy, open communication, healthy conflict resolution, and discipline that never, ever, involves physical punishment. Obviously, we all slip up. But trying to achieve these basic groundrules is essential.

Avoid punishment by planning ahead
Preventing the need for punishment is ideal. Some children respond best to incentives, where they work to achieve a goal or reward for accomplishing a task. Examples might include an extra hour of screen time for a week of not fighting with siblings, or extra allowance for getting ready for school in the morning without an argument. Since these goals are planned in advance, they differ from bribes, and can be reviewed and revised over time as your child progresses.

Acknowledge good behavior
When life is going well, it is easy to forget that all children appreciate acknowledgement when they are behaving well, complete their expected tasks, and demonstrate mature, considerate, or helpful behaviors. The expression,"catch them being good," still holds. The amount of praise or reward needs to fit the scope of the behavior. But even comments like, "hey, thanks for helping with the dishes," or "it was great to see you and your brother playing quietly at your grandparent's house" can have an impact. Excessive praise for the most minor task is unnecessary; just remember to let your child know how much you appreciate his kindness, cooperation, patience and responsible behavior.

Work with their logic

Gifted children appreciate logic, even if they don't agree with the outcome. Enlist the strength of their logical thinking to help them understand the rationale behind decisions. Of course, this does not mean debating for hours; instead, point out your reasoning, let them respond, and then insist that they move on.

Use discipline that seems fair
Most gifted children will understand that a "time-out" or loss of a favorite toy is warranted in response to unacceptable behavior - even if they don't like it. If the punishment seems out of proportion to the transgression, though, they will resent it. Similarly, offer incentives and goals that will encourage your child to stop engaging in problem behaviors.

Include them in decision-making

As gifted children get older, you might consider including them in a conversation about what they think is appropriate punishment for certain behaviors, as well as generating incentives and goals. If you agree with your child's suggestions, you could incorporate them into a plan for handling the next transgression. This level of participation gives your child a sense of control and involvement in the process.

Consider consequences that involve taking action

Rather than just using time-outs or removing a favorite object, you could require "community service" at home. The task might be as simple as expecting your child to clean the bathroom or rake the lawn. Sending your child to his room may not seem like much of a burden, whereas expecting some form of action to compensate for a transgression may have more of an impact.

Insist that they make amends

If the transgression involved destruction of property or hurting someone's feelings, insist that your child come up with a plan for making amends. A quick, empty apology is not enough. Ask your child to come up with a more heartfelt expression of regret for her behavior in words or action, such as repairing the damaged item, saving up to purchase the toy that was broken, or expressing a verbal apology that is more than just "I'm sorry." As much as your child won't like any of this, it will appeal to her logic and sense of fairness. It also may help the "victim" of the transgression feel more resolution.

Help predict and prevent situations that may lead to problems

Your gifted child may become easily overstimulated... or become bored and act up to amuse himself... or overthink and worry about a new situation, resulting in a balky refusal to participate. Help him with these difficult challenges through support, skills building, perspective-taking and role playing. Try to anticipate and steer clear of avoidable situations that create conflict. Develop a sense of when to push and when to let go of your own expectations. Of course, sometimes problems persist due to a range of difficulties - family crises, stressful life transitions, mental health problems, social stressors, etc. Under these circumstances, counseling with a licensed mental health professional can be helpful.

The best form of punishment is one that never needs to be used. Through a better understanding of what triggers your child's reactions, along with a fair and reasoned approach to discipline, your gifted child will recognize that certain problem behaviors won't achieve what she wants. Over time, these behaviors should improve or abate, and life should get easier for all involved.

This blog is part of the GHF blog hop on "discipline and the gifted child." To see more blogs, click on the following link.

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Gifted children can present quite a challenge when it comes to discipline. Whether throwing a tantrum mid-aisle at the grocery store, or questioning your rules with legalistic flair, your gifted child is no stranger to intensity... or conflict... or pushing the limits.

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Stephanie S. Tolan

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Gifted & Talented Programs

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Johns Hopkins Center for Talented Youth (CTY)

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Latest at CTY

New Project Explores Use of AI in the Gifted Classroom

CTY will partner with others from across Johns Hopkins University to customize an AI large language model to effectively serve as a "tutor on the side" to help a student's learning process during the course.

Read the Full Article

Research

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Interested in working with us? We provide a variety of resources and assistance for educators and institutions alike: identifying exceptional students, integrating CTY coursework, offering professional development, and much more.

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Johns Hopkins Center for Talented Youth (CTY)

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Online and summer gifted programs for young scholars in grades 2-12, education and guidance for families of gifted and talented youth.

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Free eBook - You Know Your Child is Gifted When...

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Free eBook - You Know Your Child is Gifted When...

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By Judy Galbraith, M.A.

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Australian Council for Educational Research

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Australian Council for Educational Research - ACER

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The first 12 years of this century saw a steady decline in the reading and mathematics levels of Australian 15-year-olds. This decline was especially marked among our most able students. In 2012 there were fewer Australian 15-year-olds performing at the highest international levels in reading and mathematics than there had been twelve years earlier.[1]

This was not the case in many other countries. For example, Korea saw a significant improvement in average mathematics levels during this period. As a result, the gap between Australia and Korea - which had already been quite large - widened by the equivalent of a full year of school over these twelve years.

The proportion of high achievers in Australia is lower than in some other countries from the earliest years of school.

By Year 4, the top 10 per cent of Australian students in mathematics perform at about the same level as the top 40 per cent of students in Singapore, Korea and Hong Kong. By Year 8, this gap has widened, with the top 10 per cent of Australian students performing at about the same level as the top 50 per cent of students in Singapore, Korea and Chinese Taipei.[2]

These observations raise questions about Australia's future ability to innovate and compete at the highest international levels in fields such as science, technology, engineering and mathematics. In the knowledge economies of the 21st century, there are likely to be implications for Australia's national productivity and for our capacity to contribute to, and not just consume, advances in these fields.

In a presentation earlier this year to the International Conference on Giftedness and Talent Development I argued that some of the ways in which we organise and deliver school education in this country may be contributing to the underperformance of our most able students. I gave three examples.
1. Failing to recognise true variability in students' levels of capability and achievement
The vast majority of Australian students progress through school with their age peers. Students are placed in mixed-ability classes and progress more or less automatically from one year of school to the next. This practice is supported by the available research; there is little evidence that either streaming by ability or having students repeat years of school is effective in improving educational outcomes.

However, underpinning this practice is an assumption that students of the same age/year level are at broadly similar levels of achievement. At the start of each school year, all students are assumed to be more or less equally ready for the same year-level curriculum. Each year is treated as a fresh start, and even if information about prior performance is available, it may be seen as largely irrelevant to the task at hand.

In reality, the most advanced students commencing any year of school can be up to six years ahead of the least advanced students in that year level. In reading, for example, the most advanced five per cent of Year 3 students already outperform 20 per cent of Year 9 students.[3]

This variability in students' levels of achievement tends to be underestimated in the way schools are organised and school curricula are developed and delivered, and standard assessment processes often fail to illuminate actual student variability. Assessments against year-level expectations generally are not ideal for diagnosing and understanding the learning needs of the least advanced students or for identifying the strengths, talents and learning needs of our most advanced learners.
2. Delivering the same year-level curriculum to all students
Under the assumption that students in the same year of school are at broadly similar levels of achievement, teachers then teach the relevant year-level curriculum, accepting that some students inevitably will learn more of what they teach than others.

However, any attempt to infer a student's learning needs from their age or year level alone risks being significantly wide of the mark. And much teaching does miss the mark. Many less advanced students in our schools are being expected to learn material that they are not yet ready to learn because they lack the necessary foundations, and many of our more advanced students are not being stretched and extended by year-level expectations.

Lant Pritchett at Harvard refers to this as the 'curricular gap' - the gap between where somebody thinks or wishes students were in their learning and students' actual levels of achievement.[4] For some students, the year-level curriculum is significantly over-ambitious, leading to frustration, disengagement and eventual dropping out. For others, the curriculum is significantly under-ambitious, leading to boredom, disengagement and failure to maximise potential.

Many years ago, David Ausubel wrote, 'The most important single factor influencing learning is what the learner already knows. Ascertain this and teach accordingly'.[5] Lev Vygotsky went one step further - the way to maximise the probability of successful learning is to provide challenges just beyond an individual's comfort zone (in their 'zone of proximal development').[6]

There is anecdotal evidence that, rather than being given challenges in their zones of proximal development, many very able students in our schools are being assigned the same year-level work as the rest of their class. Some teachers appear reluctant to give these students more difficult work or to assign additional, more challenging, activities. Instead, these students are often given 'free time' as a reward for completing set work early. There is also evidence that some teachers feel less confident about their ability to meet the needs of these students - something that may be a particular issue for teachers teaching out of field.
3. Equating high grades with successful learning
The third issue goes to the heart of how we define and measure success at school. Many highly able students are being told that they are performing very well because they are achieving high grades on middling expectations for students of their age.

Students who begin the school year two or three years behind the bulk of their age cohort (and five or six years behind the most advanced students of their age) are already on track to underperform on year-level expectations. Many lag their age cohort and receive low grades year after year. At the other extreme, more advanced students tend to begin each school year well ahead of other students. They commence the year at an advantage and are already on track to perform well on year-level expectations - sometimes with minimal effort.

All of this happens because, almost universally, we define success at school in terms of year-level curricula. But there is evidence, including from Patrick Griffin's research, that many of our most able students are achieving high grades while making relatively little annual progress in their learning. The lowest rates of year-on-year progress are often made by our most able students.[7]

An alternative way of defining and measuring success at school would be in terms of the progress or growth that students make over the course of a year, regardless of their starting point. Under this approach, excellent progress would be an expectation of every student - even those who began the school year well ahead of their age peers.
Way forward?
There is a deeply entrenched belief among many educators and parents that the role of teachers is to teach the curriculum for the year level; the role of students is to learn that curriculum; and the role of assessment is to judge and grade students on how well they have learnt what teachers have taught. In fact, the requirement that teachers assess and grade all students (using 'A to E' or equivalent) against year-level curriculum expectations is currently built into Commonwealth legislation.

But just how well does this practice identify and address the learning needs of individual learners, including the most able students in our schools?

An alternative belief system - and one that I believe would better serve the needs of all students - is one in which:

the curriculum is seen less as a body of content to be taught and learnt by all students in a particular year of school and more as a map of what it means to make progress in an area of learning over an extended period of time;

teaching is seen less as the process of delivering the same curriculum to all students in the same year of school and more as the process of establishing where students are in their learning and providing appropriately targeted teaching and learning opportunities;

learning is seen less as mastering the relevant year-level curriculum and more as making excellent learning progress, regardless of starting point;

learners are seen less as good and poor learners and more as individuals who are at different points in their learning and who are capable of making good further progress if motivated and given appropriate learning opportunities;

assessment is seen less as the process of judging how well students perform against year-level expectations and more as the process of establishing where individuals are in their long-term learning and monitoring the progress they make over time; and

reporting is seen less as grading students on how well they have learnt what they have been taught and more as communicating where students are in their learning - that is, identifying and describing what they now know, understand and can do at the time of assessment.

[1] Thomson, S, De Bortoli, L & Buckley, S (2013). PISA 2012: How Australia Measures Up. Melbourne: Australian Council for Educational Research.

[2] Thomson, S, Hillman, K, Wernert, N, Schmid, M, Buckley, A & Munene, A (2012). Highlights from TIMSS & PIRLS 2011 from Australia's Perspective. Melbourne: Australian Council for Educational Research.

[3] Australian Curriculum Assessment and Reporting Authority (2014). National Assessment Program, Literacy and Numeracy - National Report for 2014, Sydney: ACARA.

[4] Pritchett, L & Beatty, A (2012). The negative consequences of overambitious curricula in developing countries. Faculty Research Working Paper 12-035. John F Kennedy School of Government, Harvard, Mass.

[5] Ausubel, D P (1968). Educational psychology, A cognitive view. New York: Holt, Rinehart and Winston.

[6] Vygotsky, L (1978). Mind in society: The development of higher psychological processes. (M Cole, V John-Steiner, S Scribner, & E Souberman, Eds. & Trans.). Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.

[7] Griffin, P (2013). As reported by Jewel Topsfield in 'results flatline for top students', The Age, 10 January 2013. (Accessed from www.theage.com.au/national/education/results-flatline-for-top-students-20130109-2cgud.html)

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The first 12 years of this century saw a steady decline in the reading and mathematics levels of Australian 15-year-olds. This decline was especially marked among our most able students. In 2012 there were fewer Australian 15-year-olds performing at the highest international levels in reading and mathematics than there had been twelve years earlier.[1] This was not the case in many other countries.

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QAGTC (Queensland Association for Gifted & Talented Children)

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QAGTC (Queensland Association for Gifted & Talented Children)

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Suggestions To Turn On Bright Children at Home | Queensland Association for Gifted and Talented Children Inc.

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Bright children are always in search of new and stimulating activities. As a parent it is not always possible to have available challenging and interesting projects at your immediate disposal.

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By Stephanie S. Tolan

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For as long as humans have used language, we have been telling stories. Whether around a campfire, parent to child, friend to friend, or nation to nation, our stories have defined us for ourselves and each other, maintained our histories, given us a sense of shared experience.

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Learn for free about math, art, computer programming, economics, physics, chemistry, biology, medicine, finance, history, and more. Khan Academy is a nonprofit with the mission of providing a free, world-class education for anyone, anywhere.

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Growing up without knowing we're gifted can be like growing up in a distorted mirror. For many gifted adults, learning about their giftedness brings them back to a "second childhood" in which they can rediscover themselves in more authentic ways. They can develop socially and personally in ways they weren't able in their "first childhood". In this article, InterGifted founder Jennifer Harvey Sallin explores how we can best navigate the essential developmental stages of our "second (gifted) childhood".
By Jennifer Harvey Sallin

FIRST CHILDHOOD: DEVELOPING IN A DISTORTED MIRROR

After almost a decade of coaching and mentoring gifted adults, I can say that adult giftedness discovery often propels a person into what I call in coaching "a second childhood". Their "first" (biological) childhood and its developmental stages - such as developing hope, autonomy, purpose, and trust in self - was navigated during a time and in a context in which when they were missing crucial information about themselves (the fact that they were gifted). Thus, their identity development was often done in a less-than-authentic way, through no fault of their own.

For the adults who grew up in my generation, there was no internet, we had to look up books at the library via the Dewey Decimal system, psychology for many of us was still in the realm of "treatment for crazy people", and most of us knew nothing about the idea of "giftedness". Our parents and the world around us weren't to keep our authentic self-knowledge about giftedness from us, and weren't to force us to develop into distorted versions of ourselves. But nonetheless, growing up not really understanding that we were gifted made us see ourselves and the world in distorted ways.

Many of us were developing ourselves in response to a distorted reflection: a mirror which told us that if we could just be more "normal", everything would be okay for us. But we had this "extra" that didn't fit into the "normal" mirror, and often it felt like all that extra had no place to go and we developed shame and confusion around the "extra" that didn't fit.

So lots of us went through our first (biological) childhood trying to develop ourselves into a "normal" person (however that was defined by the world that reflected back to us in our particular social mirror). (Re)discovering our giftedness in adulthood thus often catapults us into a second (psychological) childhood, where we are finally able to complete the essential tasks of psychological and social development (growing up whole) in more authentic ways which include rather than ignore our giftedness. We are finally able to find mirrors that are big and complex enough to reflect a non-distorted version of us back to ourselves, and to find out what it feels like to develop all of ourselves in ways that feels as unique (gifted) individuals .

STAGES OF PSYCHOSOCIAL DEVELOPMENT FOR GIFTED PEOPLE

Erik Erikson's stages of psychosocial development outline stages and the existential questions one faces in general growing up. There are things (including trauma, abuse, neglect, or other less noxious interruptions) which can curtail healthy development and "task completion" during these stages, and lack of accurate social mirroring or adequate self-knowledge is one of them. Some gifted people experience their lack of self-knowledge as a trauma as it induced existential panic and other terrifying feelings of isolation, invisibility, rejection or "othering"; others don't feel it as traumatic per se, but struggle all the same in adulthood with self-definition and social belonging.

If we take Erikson's model (not as a truth, just as a departure point for discussion and reflection) and look at the conflicts that can occur at the various life stages, we can easily see the possible unique traumas, confusion, opportunities and possibilities that gifted people can experience in relationship to their giftedness at each age.

General Developmental Stages (original chart taken from the wikipedia article )

Gifted-Specific Developmental Stages (as adapted by J. Harvey Sallin)

STAGES OF GIFTED CHILDHOOD

Trust vs. Mistrust (infancy)

In this early developmental stage, a gifted infant must develop trust in their (gifted) self, trust in their body, and trust in their carers. If they are developmentally faster, qualitatively different, or physically or emotionally needier than other infants, and if this is not recognized and/or responded to appropriately, children can develop, already at this stage, mistrust in themselves and their surroundings. Gifted people sometimes report (those with very early memories, which is not uncommon in gifted people) remembering at the age of one or two years old, being so very different than the other children around them; feeling understimulated, bored, slowed down, and otherwise not appropriately mirrored or nurtured by their parents and/or social environment.

More commonly, in my experience, this awareness only comes into play when the person is already an adult, looking back on how they were raised and exploring memories of their childhood. Perhaps they learn as an adult that their parents knew they were different and needed more, but tried to stifle that extra need; or that their parents never even noticed. This knowledge can suddenly explain a lifetime of confusion for some adults. Neuronal patterns - the way we see the world - can become fairly firmly set even in this early age, and if an infant instinctively senses they cannot trust their carers to see and respond to them, they will develop neuronal patterns which represent mistrust (fear) rather than trust (safety).

When I am working with gifted people stuck at this very early stage, it is important that I help them understand that while they might not have developed trust because of not being adequately recognized, mirrored, or stimulated, it does not mean that they and the world are not trustworthy in a global, absolute sense. It is important to help them to understand that conditions create feelings, but not ultimate realities, and that trust can be gained at any point along the way by coming to understand their own body and mind signals of their unique (gifted) needs, and learning how to respond to them in nourishing ways (and how to reach out to others who validate and respond appropriately and adequately to those needs).

Autonomy vs. Shame & Doubt (toddlerhood)

This stage is all about developing the ability to take care of our own basic (gifted) needs - "basic" being a key word here (we're not talking about advanced developmental needs). Problems can arise when carers don't understand a gifted child's basic cognitive or physical needs, such as the need for advanced intellectual stimulation or reduced sensory stimulation (especially in the case of twice-exceptionality, as the high ability mixed with disability can be very confusing and disorienting for a parent or carer who is not well-versed in this domain). During this developmental stage, if these basic gifted needs are not recognized, outrightly ignored, or it is not modeled to the child how to learn to care for them, the child can develop shame and doubt about them and try to hide them, failing to become autonomous in this regard (unable to identify, validate, and/or meet them on their own). If they do become autonomous with them, they learn to occupy, stimulate and calm their gifted mind, and they learn self-regulation of their intensity.

Many of the gifted adults I meet are stuck in this developmental phase, chronically invalidating or ignoring their gifted needs because they never developed the ability to take care of them at the basic level. They are still essentially "starving" in this way, and in addition, are generally feeling a high degree of shame for feeling those needs in the first place. Many don't know how to self-regulate when it comes to their intensity and don't know how to adequately occupy, stimulate and calm their gifted mind.

Working with adults who are stuck in this developmental transition is really a challenge, as it often feels shameful for them to be "such babies" and to have to work on "such basic" things. I remind clients all the time that it is not shameful to need a "second childhood" when one did not have an adequate "first childhood". Childhood is all about trying, testing, failing, learning, and honing skills (I'd argue that that's what generative adulthood is about too, but that's a philosophical question for another discussion!), and taking this approach helps to take the shame and the sting out of the need to be weak in order to become strong.

There is also the question of deserving. Many gifted people feel guilty for the "extra" needs for support, attention, time, energy, and consideration required from their carers, family, friends, and support professionals. Needing more can trigger loads of guilt and feelings of not deserving more than they already got. When clients feel like this, I remind them that many people - especially the chronically ill or physically disabled - need uncommon levels of support. I ask them whether they feel that those people should feel guilty for their needs. The answer is always, "Of course not!", which leads to a healthy and generative discussion about the double-standard they hold toward themselves in this regard.

Many gifted people struggle because their uniqueness doesn't show up as classically recognized disability, and so it feels less "legitimate" than physical illness or some other life situation that requires "extra" help. A lot of the internal work here is around finding a way to drop comparisons, and simply legitimizing one's own needs without trying to one-up or one-down them, as compared to someone else. You are not someone else, you are you, and you and your needs matter regardless of where you fall in the spectrum of "neediness". The truth is, gifted people do take an enormous amount of energy from others, but they also have a lot to give. Their needs/offerings exchange formula just looks - yes, once again - than the neuronorm, but that fact does not invalidate its legitimacy.

Initiative vs. Guilt (early childhood)

This stage is all about developing a feeling of one's own sense of purpose in action - learning to direct one's actions toward one's own purposes. Whereas the existential question linked to the prior stage is "Is it ok to me?", the existential question linked to this stage is, "Is it ok for me to do, move, and act ?". As this relates to giftedness, the questions translate to: "Is it ok to be my gifted self?" and "Is it ok for me to do, move and act in ways that are consistent with and authentic to my gifted self's purpose?".

Still mostly confined to action and expression within the family unit, it is at this stage that a child learns to take initiative and leadership, and set goals and accomplish them for aims that relate to the child's unique inner interests and drives. If their gifted interests, values and aims are not recognized or validated by their carers, they will not be able to fully participate in the developmental task of this stage. They will either recoil (i.e. freeze - not take action, not think about what they want, not set goals, become apathetic), become aggressive (i.e. fight - not balanced leadership or respectful initiative), force themselves to take on the goals, aims and values of others (i.e. fawn - use their intelligence toward people-pleasing), or go into fantasyland and stop connecting with the physical world (i.e. flight - use their intelligence to create inner worlds, rather than taking initiative in the physical world); or some mix of all of these. Anything other than rising to the challenge of finding initiative leads to a feeling of guilt either toward the family (outside world) or toward oneself. Herein lies the classic gifted issues or underachievement, feelings of inferiority, guilt for not naturally having the "right aims and values", feelings of self-betrayal, and so on.

Fight, flight, freeze and fawn are adaptations which avoid the true tasks of the moment. How can you find the validation of your own unique aims, goals, values and purpose? Exploration and knowledge of your personality preferences and authenticity in terms of gifted self-expression are essential, but who among us had access to that level of discussion growing up? Often, my adult clients have spent their whole lives lacking a (generative) language that includes their giftedness, so when they think of personality, values, and authenticity, they may still be thinking in terms of the norm, and trying to use normative language and concepts around these issues (trying to fit their larger-than-the-acceptable/available-mirror-size self into the reflection on the acceptable/available mirror). Oftentimes, much of my work guiding clients through second childhoods is about finding and creating a language that validates their gifted experience of these main building blocks of the (authentic gifted) self.

Industry vs. Inferiority (middle childhood)

Whereas the previous stages are more oriented toward the family, this is the first stage that is primarily oriented toward the world outside of the family. The question becomes, "Can I make it as my gifted self in the world of people and things?". Of course, if the previous developmental stages have been completed well, in terms of one's gifted self recognition, validation and expression, then this question will be asked from a point of strength and clarity. If one has become stuck at any of the previous stages, this question will be asked from a place of fear, uncertainty, anger, rage, shame and/or inferiority.

To be honest, it is rare that I work with gifted adults who have made it fully to this stage with the others intact (hope, will, purpose). Most often, I am working with them to complete those former stages in the present. Once the previous stages are validated, then the industry vs. inferiority question is not really a matter of "if" but of "how" - "I know what I value and need, now do I do it in the real world?".

Some people tend to get stuck on the neuromajority/neurominority question in this stage, arguing that they "can't" do what they value and need because they feel there's no one in their life, or in the world, who values their unique (gifted) contribution. However, this is an inferiority stance and represents a failure to rise to the developmental challenge. I remind clients they have to work harder as a minority to find their audience, get their message across, and contribute to a fitting segment of the population of the world. Having to work harder is not an excuse to consider oneself "inferior" and rarity does not equal impossibility. Working with someone through this developmental stage (in the gifted sense) is very focused on taking action, removing obstacles, and creating fitting opportunities.

STAGE OF GIFTED ADOLESCENCE

Identity vs. Role Confusion (teenage years)

Here we move to the next stage of independence from the family unit. Not only is the question "Can I make it in the world as my gifted self?" directed outward, but now the question is "Who am I? And who can I be?" as a social (gifted) person. To get to this stage, one must have been able to develop hope, will, purpose, and competence as their gifted self. Asking, "Who am I as a social gifted person, and who can I be in that regard?" without having adequate hope, will, purpose and competence leads to masking and role/identity confusion.

One easy way to spot a person who has not adequately completed the previous stages is to listen to the way they ask about their identity. They may ask, "Who I be?" or "Who do want me to be?". Helping them learn to ask the question in a healthy, self-affirmed way means necessarily going back to wherever they got stuck in their previous stages and helping them work through those developmental tasks till they can ask themselves the question in a self-affirmed way: "Who am I as my gifted self? And who can I be as my gifted self?". The question asked in a non self-affirmed way reminds us of Dabrowski's level two, where people get stuck trying to live by others' values and goals, and thus are never able to build up their own authentic self. Level three is when the person starts asking the question in a self-affirmed way.

It goes without saying that a person who asks this question in a non self-affirmed way is prone to building up an identity and adult life roles that do not fit their unique needs, values, aims, and capacities. The (gifted) adult who has asked this question in the non self-affirmed way will likely have created a whole life story based on the distorted responses that came out of the distorted question. It can take a lot of work once one is mired in an adult life that resulted from asking the question in a distorted way, and one can end up feeling quite "stuck" in the identity, roles and consequent responsibilities that resulted. Of course, the good news is that it's never the of the story, and there is always room to move in any situation. Sorting this out often requires balancing the need to fulfill commitments already made with the need to introduce change and growth, and that balance is an art that one can master with enough authentic effort.

STAGES OF GIFTED ADULTHOOD

Intimacy vs. Isolation (early adulthood)

Early adulthood is also focused outward, but in a different way. Here it becomes not only about defining one's and in relationship to others, but about the of interaction and of contribution, intimacy, and connection that one has with others. Obviously, if one has completed the previous stage of identity and role identification in a distorted way, the question to "Can I love (as my gifted self)?" will not result in a healthy "yes".

Love, when one is not able to be one's authentic self, will typically look like projection, codependent behaviors, fight/flight/freeze/fawn (mentioned above), and so on. Of course, any of these behaviors leads not to healthy intimacy, but rather to a kind of forced isolation. When I'm working with adults on these issues, we are often looking at skills: the skills one has or does not have to be with reality without projecting one's pain (or gifted mind) out onto the world and expecting the world to be as they see it; the skills one has to love in a healthy way, with appropriate boundaries which give them space to self-nourish and still connect with others in meaningful ways; the skills to respond to life situations without going into fight/flight/freeze/fawn; the self-authority to act without codependence and to cultivate an authentic level and quality of involvement and intimacy with other people.

And in order to develop those skills, we are often going back to a previous stage in the client's life to re-do former developmental tasks, knowing what they know now, and having the appropriate support, frameworks, language and mentoring - this time to be able to do it in a healthy, non-distorted way.

Generativity vs. Stagnation (middle adulthood)

"Can I make my (gifted) life count?" becomes the next developmental question. For those gifted adults who haven't known they were gifted till later in life, they may take a long time to answer this question, for it will take them time to understand who their "gifted self" really is. Of course, they've lived with that self all along, but not knowing who it was and why it was there, and often having shamed themselves for it, they may need time to come into safe and non-shaming contact with that part of themselves. Once they do, often through months or years of therapy, coaching, mentoring and other gifted-specific support, they can really ask the question, "Can I make my (gifted) life count?".

It's interesting, because many gifted people who do not know they are gifted are trying to "make their life count" based on what would make a neuronorm person's life count, and having existential crises because it's "not enough" and they feel embarrassed, guilty or ashamed about that fact. Learning that needing something different out of life is because of neurological differences, and has nothing to do with moral judgment, can be extremely liberating for a gifted adult struggling with these issues.

Integrity vs. Despair (elder years)

Often, by the time a person reaches this age, they are no longer in the "seeking" phase of their identity-development, and have usually learned to advocate for themselves on their own. Successful resolution of this stage is the development of wisdom, and as that relates to one's gifted self, which usually translates to the question, "Is it ok to have been my gifted self?" or "Am I satisfied by how I expressed and experienced my giftedness?". Since this stage often is taking place once a person has retired or is no longer needing work to meet their basic needs, there is room to respond to this question by developing activities or taking on challenges that would help the person to more fully answer "yes!".

YOUR OWN SECOND (GIFTED) CHILDHOOD

I hope this discussion has been helpful for you in understanding where you may have gotten blocked in your own (gifted) development and where you might now concentrate your efforts on validating and creating conditions for fulfilling those developmental tasks. You may now have some more clues for what kind, size and complexity of mirror you need for full, authentic gifted development. You may also have discovered while reading that you got stuck developmentally for other reasons as well - trauma, abuse, neglect, or other less noxious life circumstances. You may feel that you need to redo previous developmental tasks for those reasons as well, and that is okay. There is no shame in "learning how to grow up" once you're already an (chronological) adult. Remember that so much of this information has not been readily available till recently, nor has gifted-specific help and support for these issues. For whatever reason, you weren't able to get it before, but now y ou deserve to have access to an accurate reflection, and to develop in a mirror that doesn't force you to cut yourself off, due to giftedness or any other factors in your life.

How to go about finding/creating that mirror differs from person to person. Some people go through the journey on their own; but many people (myself included) have needed and continue to need support throughout the process. If you find yourself struggling to know where to go and how to navigate your complex multidimensional second childhood journey, reach out to us. Our coaches and mentors are specialists in guiding clients through these waters; we've been through them many times ourselves! As an organization, we don't currently offer therapy, but we will help you find a gifted-specific therapist if you are looking for one.

We have other programs designed to support you through your "second childhood" as well, including our partner projects - Intrepid Integrity (an authenticity incubator for gifted adults, starting November 5th) and The Gifted Mindfulness Collective (courses + community for gifted adults practicing mindfulness, starting January 2019). Our courses and workshops all approach gifted personal and professional development with these concepts in mind, and our and peer groups provide that complex, full-sized social mirroring so crucial to our development.

Reach out to schedule a free intro call with one of our coaches or to find out what opportunities exist for where you're currently developing in your own "second (gifted) childhood". We're here to support you!
This article has been adapted from a module in my Gifted Psychology 101 Course for Psychologists. If you are a psychologist, coach, or other helping professional who would like training on best supporting your gifted clients, consider joining one of my upcoming courses. You may enjoy listening to Jennifer talk with Silver Huang on the topic of gifted second childhoods in this video recorded for the upcoming launch of our Intrepid Integrity program, starting November 5th!

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Gifted Adults & Second Childhoods: Revisiting Essential Stages of Development - InterGifted

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Growing up without knowing we're gifted can be like growing up in a distorted mirror. For many gifted adults, learning about their giftedness brings them back to a "second childhood" in which they can rediscover themselves in more authentic ways. They can develop socially and personally in ways they weren't able in their "first childhood".

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Podcast

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By Jennifer Harvey Sallin

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The intersection of trauma and giftedness is not a fun topic to explore. But it's a real one, because there are many gifted adults in the world trying hard to heal from their past trauma. I've been wanting to write an article on this topic for a long time, but I've struggled to do so, ironically, because of my own painful past. If you're working through trauma, I hope reading my story and healing journey will help you on yours.
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!

I've had the idea of writing an article about giftedness and trauma for several years now. Looking back, I can see why it's been so hard for me, despite how much I write about and coach on giftedness and self-development. I have worked hard for over a decade now toward healing from my own past trauma, and while I've healed a lot, and I'm grateful for that, there are still layers I've been unable to access or am still in the process of accessing. This makes it difficult to take an "expert" stance on giftedness and trauma as a writer. The other issue is that, when it comes to my own trauma, I don't want to talk about it! I hated growing up with trauma, and swore to myself that I was going to fix it or outgrow it and live a great adult life without any sign of the effects of what I lived through. However, since trauma is stored in the recesses of the body and the mind and cannot readily be accessed and healed without proper contextual safety, some of my trauma reactions have continued to persist in my life and the subject is sometimes still very present - and sometimes still quite overwhelming - for me.

Over the last years, not only "negative" challenges, but also positive life developments have brought up old pain to work through. For example, starting InterGifted and becoming a part of a worldwide community of gifted people has been a wonderful blessing in my life, but it also triggered old pain related to my social self. Being so visible to so many people recalled the years I spent in the fishbowl of my parents' life - my dad as the pastor of a big church, and I the little church mascot who was constantly under the moral microscope of the whole church family. And, ironically, meeting other people who got my gifted mind and mirrored back to me that it wasn't crazy triggered not only relief and joy, but also grief and pain for all the times in my life my social world mirrored back to me how crazy my mind seemed to them.

With "negative" and "positive" life developments alike, I'm fairly often faced with the truth that, even though I've come so far, my work of healing is not done. In those moments, even if the messenger is a positive development, my immediate, instinctual reaction is "No!". I feel I don't want another iota of my being to be devoted to the darkness and the evil in trauma, and so far, it seems that each time I've tried to write about giftedness and trauma, that instinctual "No!" has been triggered.

HEALING FROM TRAUMA IS RESOURCE-CONSUMING

The thing is, trauma is messy. Whether it's pain or joy that triggers trauma reactions, they are overwhelming and chaotic, and making sense of them and working toward healing them is often very resource-consuming. After a full work-day, I want to relax, not necessarily take time to recall the pain of abuse so that I can process it and let it go in the present. Trauma drags you where it will, and its healing is not something that fits neatly into your weekly schedule (this especially if you have kids - and especially because kids and your experiences in parenting can actually trigger trauma responses!). It can also be financially costly to heal trauma, if you get professional help: sessions with psychotherapists, body healers, buying books, and coaching all cost money. And it all costs time, effort and attention as well.

Regular life - earning a living, raising a family, and "just getting by" - can be so resource-consuming, that at times, accessing and healing trauma has to get pushed to the side for more immediate concerns. But the more trauma gets pushed aside, the harder it becomes to access (and thus heal), and the cycle continues. Repressed trauma doesn't disappear, it just gets diverted into other things - physical and mental illness, neurosis, addiction, low self-esteem, lack of self-control, etc. And for a gifted person, who may already struggle in career, relationships and life due to their giftedness alone - and all the extra thoughts and complexity, or social loneliness, that they experience - this can become very tricky. So, there is a very real need to face it, and to figure out how to fit that into the rest of life.

THE TENDENCY TO MINIMIZE

But facing it can be so hard! Throughout my life, I've found myself wanting to rush through healing so I can have more resources in my life for thriving (not just surviving) and more time and attention for pleasurable experiences. But, ironically, this rushing mentality has always triggered other problems, namely that rushing causes me to minimize my experience ("hurry up and forget how you feel!"). I grew up in a family in which problems were minimized, including my reactions to the major problems we had, and I learned well by imitation to minimize my own perception of these events. Getting professional help was not an option and it was equally out of the question for me to talk about what I was going through openly. I always told myself that others had it way worse than me, and even if I could have admitted the import of my experiences and my traumatic reactions, I felt somehow bound by an unspoken rule in my family: as the pastor's family, we were not allowed to have problems.

Working with therapists, coaches, and mentors in my twenties (once I was on my own), as well as training as a psychologist and coach and dedicating myself to a regular meditation practice, was extremely helpful in allowing me to slow down enough to see the grandeur of the task I faced. My ACE score (Adverse Childhood Experiences Study - an assessment which measures childhood traumatic experiences) is five, and as ACE scores increase, so does the ongoing risk of lifelong social, emotional and health problems - major problems typically start at the score of four and go up from there.

I was grateful for the healing that came from all my self-development work, but I have to admit that as soon as I had reached some sort of mid-term healing plateau, I went right back to wanting to move on so I could get on to that trauma-free life I had dreamed of. To this day, each instance of trauma trigger that's come up since then, both positive and negative, has tempted me (often strongly!) to minimize again and to try to rush past the pain. Often, I have falsely believed I could be some sort of superwoman and rely on my gifted mind and my fierce determination to get me past it all in fast-forward. Sometimes I still try, but more and more often I find I can more easily welcome and process the trauma reactions - challenging and time-consuming as that may be. I actively cultivate my capacity to sit with the proverbial elephant (trauma) in my room, and figure out how I can help him to get back out to the safari jungle, where he belongs. Sometimes I have to restructure the house, or take out the door frame...

MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE

Yet isn't it interesting that, still, after everything, the voice in my head, upon writing this all today (with the intent to publish it), picks back up on its old well-worn melody, "Well, with an ACE score of 'just' five, what are you complaining about? You're just over the border of 'bad' - lots of people have it way worse! Why are you even writing about your meager problems?". What I experienced was real, and continues to affect me to this day. It may not be the worst possible scenario, yet why would "less bad" somehow not be legitimate? I would never feel this way about one of my clients, so why the double standard against myself - even after so many years of cultivating self-compassion and patience? One reason is carried emotion - the voice in my head that tells me that if I could have had it worse, then I have no reason to complain (and certainly no right to do so in public!). As in the carried emotions article, I can look at that voice, realize it's not mine, and give it back now, but each time, it's a task I must do with conscious awareness. It's still not always automatic for me to feel justified in stating my truth, or my perception of what is true for me.

In fact, this is all hard to talk about exactly because of that. Though I discussed my past and my trauma and journey toward healing in detail in my memoirs (not yet published), I had honestly hoped that it would be the only place I would need to publicly talk about it. Like, it would be all wrapped up in this nice, pretty package and I could send it out into the world like a message in a bottle without ever having to claim it was my message. I had even intended to publish under a pseudonym, but lately, based on these reflections, I've been rethinking the decision. Why am I so ashamed of my trauma and the ways it still affects me today?

Partly it's shame, and partly it's what I said earlier: I'm sick of having to think about trauma, and having to feel it and work through it. There is a very real fear that if I say it aloud, it's going to amplify my need to focus on it, when rationally, that's the thing I want least in my life! Yet, my experience has shown me that not saying it aloud (and trying to minimize it or deny it or "superwoman" it out of my life) hasn't made it disappear at all - in fact, I've noticed that it's the opposite effect: the more I'm forthright and direct with it, the more quickly I heal and the less space it takes up in my life.

FEAR OF TALKING ABOUT IT

But there are blocks to forthrightness that I think many gifted people who have lived through trauma will understand:

First, I don't want to give people more of a reason to judge me - I'm already weird enough as a gifted person who has strong autistic and OCD tendencies to deal with. I don't want to give fodder to the fire at all! So much of my life has been about looking odd and not fitting into normal societal expectations. If I add on trauma - and talking about it publicly! - how much more bullying and insults will I have to endure?

Second, carried emotions tell me that I'm being overdramatic and oversensitive (insults hurled on me many times as a teenager), that I'm inventing stories, and so on. (And, yes, I can work with each of those carried emotions one by one. But, see, here are the resource costs I'm talking about!). Even without carried emotions, I do have a strong resistance to inventing stories, trying to garner attention and sympathy through hyperbole or narcissistic or histrionic dramatism, and my gifted mind could always see the possibility that I could be doing that. So, it often doesn't want to let me say anything at all, and threatens me with all the things that might happen if I do. For example:

Third, I worry about how people will use this information against me, which I realize in my own case, is a very real fear that comes from real life traumatic experiences of having my truths be used to humiliate me (sometimes even publicly) when I was younger. I know with my idealistic tendencies, I've been taken advantage of many, many times. Plus, there's something in trauma called trauma bonding, which makes the trauma victim more loyal to the perpetrator than to himself. When someone is being mean to me, it's hard not to resort back into the trauma bonding mind-pattern: trying to be better for the mean person, rather than staying true to myself and getting away. I've gotten much better about that over the years, but it is a real fear and dealing with it while negotiating my needs for authentic self-expression as a gifted person, adult, professional, partner, friend, writer and person who suffered significant trauma, takes a lot of effort. Again, it's still not completely automatic, and this negotiation and courage-finding requires frequent system checks and "software" updates in my mind.

I theoretically know that whatever anyone says or does in response to my authentic expression is their responsibility alone and that I do not have to accept meanness from them. But it's hard. My idealism as a gifted person, my all-consuming desire for efficiency in relationships and life, and my own core value of authenticity make it so that I often get confused when people are mean. Is their meanness a reflection of an error in my logic - and if so, is it that they are being mean in order to help me positively grow? No, I've come to accept that the pleasure of growth doesn't have to come as a result of meanness or trauma (though sometimes, admittedly, trauma does make us grow in real life), it's just sometimes hard to stick to that when my (traumatized, gifted) mind can see all these possibilities, and I'm not sure which one is true.

CONTEXTS FOR HEALING

I'm writing this both as a mirror to allow myself to see my own process of healing (as a writer, writing is a natural way for me to learn, process, reorganize my thoughts, and share my inner feelings and journey with others), and to promote something specific: honesty about what one has lived, about the elephant in your house, and a group effort to rework the house so that the elephant can get back to its natural habitat and you can enjoy the sacred space that is your home. But also, so that, when an elephant pops up again, you don't feel unable to deal with it or to talk openly about it, but rather empowered, encouraged, and supported in doing so.

I can say this all now, because I know that whatever my speaking out unleashes in the world, it will now go through my filter of highest principles rather than just my trauma triggers. I can also say this now because of the support I've received in facing the latest trauma triggers and reactions that have shown up in my own life. As a new elephant was growing, some true peers (from InterGifted's community) were able to support me in restructuring my "house" to let the elephant out. They were able to do so, understanding how my giftedness came into play in the scenario, and understanding and alleviating my fears of not being taken seriously as a coach and helping professional (due to my own periods of struggle and growth), not being taken seriously as a smart person ("If I'm so smart, why am I struggling?"), being considered overdramatic ("What do you have to complain about?"), and my fears of being humiliated ("Look at how ridiculous she is to be revealing so much personal information in public!"). Having true gifted peers has allowed me to feel safer to reveal the not-so-pretty sides of what I've lived and how it still affects me, because I feel that they still see me and still see my mind - and don't confuse me with my trauma.

This is an important point, because contextual safety is paramount to healing trauma. One of the big challenges of gifted people healing from trauma is finding that contextual safety. Those who have sought help with a non-gifted therapist or helping professional often find that they didn't feel particularly understood or encouraged at their level. Those who have sought guidance and support from friends or family often have felt that the complexity of their trauma or reactions were not understood, thus they were unable to move onto the next level of healing. This is why I find my work so important, in providing services specific to gifted people, so that they can find the contextual safety they need in order to heal.

There's something else about context that I must mention. I am passionate about self-actualization and to some degree, self-transcendence. This is the path I have been on since my teen years (if not earlier). So, I can also say all of this now, due to the prep work I've done on that path. Working hard to climb the ladder of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs (or Dabrowksi's mountain), I've legitimized my needs for survival, physical and emotional safety, belonging, self-esteem, aesthetic and cognitive stimulation, self-actualization and self-transcendence. Spending considerable time at the higher levels of the mountain requires and at the same time makes possible healing on the lower levels, by giving the perspective, energy, courage and motivation to do the hard work of healing. And it's not linear. When you have enough of a glimpse of the higher states, working through the pain of the lower states takes on a new purpose and meaning, and is an expression of the self-love you recover by rising to the you that you find at the higher levels.

So essentially, contexts for healing from trauma include: sufficient time, energy and financial resources, social safety, social understanding (including the gifted component!), commitment to the process, willingness to accept help, acceptance of your own unique path, process and timing, and time spent at higher levels of awareness. Whenever I am tempted to hate my trauma, to minimize or deny it - to run away from my own home, or to try to party while the elephant is wreaking havoc in my sacred space - I remind myself that I can be grateful now for the trauma triggers that are coming up. Contexts provide possibilities, and if the context is allowing me to feel the pain now, it's likely also giving me the contextual ingredients for healing this current layer of trauma (as the famous trauma healing phrase goes: "You can't heal what you can't feel").

Are you working through trauma? I encourage you to reach out. I may be able to point you in a positive direction!

I hope reading mine has been helpful to you.

Afterthought: there's a lot more to be said about the intersection of giftedness and trauma, or more specifically, how giftedness often heightens the feeling and results of trauma. I address this in my upcoming book The Intense Mind: Mental Complexity and the Construction of the Self. Essentially, giftedness usually makes you more sensitive to illogic, injustice, evil and inefficiency - which heightens responses to trauma, as compared to the norm. Whereas non-gifted people may suffer from trauma, they may be less likely to ask "Why, why, why...?" and thus suffer from the lack of sensible answers to these questions. Additionally, giftedness itself can cause trauma - not belonging, being taken advantage of, not finding true peers or adequate intellectual or emotional depth and stimulation, etc. I hope to have my book out soon-ish...though the writing process is never linear, so I'm trusting the timing and my own creative process.

Author: Jennifer Harvey Sallin

http://www.rediscovering-yourself.com

Jennifer Harvey Sallin, MA, LLPC, NCC is a psychologist, coach, mentor, trainer and author who dedicates her work to raising awareness about giftedness in adulthood, and supporting gifted adults to understand their unique mind and channel their uncommon potential and intensity with self-awareness and purpose. She spends a lot of her time teaching and training professionals who support the gifted and writing on giftedness and self-development. She is co-founder of Rediscovering Yourself, and founder of an international community of gifted adults, www.intergifted.com, which has an international network of coaches and mentors dedicated to supporting gifted adults. She lives in Switzerland and works locally and by Skype internationally (in English, French and Italian).

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Trauma, Giftedness & Healing - a Personal Story

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The intersection of trauma and giftedness is not a fun topic to explore. But it's a real one, because there are many gifted adults in the world struggling to heal from their past trauma. I've been wanting to write an article on this topic for a long time, but I've struggled to do so, ironically, because of my own trauma.

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Have you been told that you 'see too much', 'hear too much', ' 'feel too much'? Eggshell Therapy and Coaching specialises in working with people who are emotionally intense sensitive, and gifted.

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Education Department, password required. Professional development, resources

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Promoting Understanding

SENG's resource library includes original and reprinted articles and columns, organized by topic, You may print articles for personal use from the SENG website free of charge, provided you cite the author and www.sengifted.org. All information on the SENG website is subject to copyright. Please obtain permission from the original author or publisher before using materials in other publications.

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SENG's resource library includes original and reprinted articles and columns, organized by topic, You may print articles for personal use from the SENG website free of charge, provided you cite the author and www.sengifted.org. All information on the SENG website is subject to copyright.

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InterGifted coaches, connects and inspires gifted people around the world. Discover and embrace your giftedness within our community!

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In a neuromajority culture, being gifted or twice-exceptional provides a hundred opportunities every day for feeling like one's authentic self isn't "right". It takes courage and hard work to find a way to bridge one's authentic expression and inner sense of integrity with the external world in contexts that don't match us well. In this article, InterGifted coach and mentor - and founder of InterGifted's Partner Project Intrepid Integrity - Silver Huang shares her long journey toward that goal as a gifted and autistic person, and provides insight for us on how we can cultivate authenticity in our own lives.
By Silver Huang

This article and Silver's work served as inspiration for our community writing and creative expression project called Being Me: Reflections on the Gifted Person's Path to Authenticity. Now available for purchase in our InterGifted bookshop!

ROOTS OF INAUTHENTICITY

As child, I got into trouble for being too energetic, too loud, too talkative, too inquisitive, too sensitive-too uninhibited and overwhelming. I lacked the knowledge to realise that I was just being and doing what any gifted, autistic child naturally would, and falsely concluded that there was something wrong with me.

Like any child, I needed to be accepted and loved in order to feel worthy of love. The only way my child self could imagine being loved, considering how others reacted to my too-muchness, was to dissect myself into "good" and "bad" bits, keep the good, and fix the bad by deleting or overwriting those parts of me. I would learn how to be "right" and "good", then I would be wanted and loved. Right? I worked hard to be a "normal" girl, but unfortunately for me, due to my then-undiagnosed autism, I proved to be a bad mimic. On top of that, my irrepressible spirit was impossible to subdue; no matter what I did nor how hard I tried, I never succeeded at being "like everyone else."

The unnatural strain from what I was doing to try to force myself to fit in to be loved consumed me as I grew into my teens. The fact that no matter how hard I tried, it didn't work, caused me to start to develop a true sense of hatred for myself, and eventually even for humanity. I grew bitter, jaded, morose, cynical, aggressive and uncontrollable. By the time I was 18, I belligerently embraced the label of dysfunctional rebel I was typecast as.

CASTAWAY AS A FOUNDERING YOUNG ADULT

I approached adulthood with deep dread. Being a versatile " multipotentialite ", the thought of being set loose to flounder in a world where I was expected to choose, be and do "a thing" for the rest of my life was a nightmare! Lacking relevant social modelling, support or guidance as a young gifted autistic woman, I had no idea who or what I wanted to be or do. I jumped at random job opportunities, qualified or not, and flew by the seat of my pants, but I rarely survived six months before I would quit from the simultaneous boredom and stress of repressing my creatively problem-solving self into a docile cog in order to avoid stepping on egos or challenge status quos!

As a solution to this problem, I committed myself to a life of entrepreneurship. Unfortunately, I had absolutely no meaningful direction, passion, purpose or motivation. I was unable to conceive of such things due to years of repressing and renouncing my inherent connection with my "inner GPS" of self-authority, security and direction. Without this essential self-awareness and access to my own purpose, I ran into so many problems trying to set up business that it became obvious that I needed to do something about myself. So I looked these questions square in the face: "Who am I? Why am I here? What do I want for my life?"

DEEP DIVE INTO THE EXISTENTIAL RABBIT HOLE

I spent the next decade dedicating myself to answering these existential questions. I poured millions of words into my journals and whatever money I could into personal development and business coaching. I hacked my own cognitive behavioural methodologies to increase self awareness, and eventually devised a cyclical methodology I referred to as "explore, experiment, express and experience." I explored different identities, personalities, passions and motivations in my private personal development practices. Then I used my businesses and social media to experiment with and express those test-identities/passions/motivations for long-term fit and sustainability. I would then reflect upon my experiences in my private practice and apply my insights in the next cycle.

In doing countless iterations of this process, I noticed that life was constantly conspiring to provide clues - puzzle pieces - about me to me. I learnt to recognise them, intentionally collect them and diligently work on putting them together to connect the dots and make sense of the larger picture of who I was when I felt like I was being my most authentic self and having access once again to my "inner GPS". Over time, the puzzle of my passions and motivations started to become quite clear - it was made up of the themes of self-mastery and self-actualisation, identity, integrity and authenticity, courage and honesty. This clarity led me to seek the help that resulted in my autism diagnosis, which was a crucial piece of the puzzle of my self-understanding and gave me direction for the next years of my personal and entrepreneurial life. However, I still felt that something else was missing, I just didn't know what it could be...

THE GRAVITY OF CLARITY

The psychologist who had diagnosed my autism had suggested at that time that I was probably gifted, but I had rejected that part of her assessment. I had struggled so much in my life, and I knew so little on the subject, that I had no context for accepting "giftedness" as being part of who I was. It was only three years later when a friend suggested I look into giftedness again that suddenly, it became obvious that indeed, the psychologist had been right. I was gifted, I just hadn't previously been able to see myself as such due to the struggles I had had for so long. By the time I found InterGifted, I had by then done enough self-development work to be able to finally recognize myself as a gifted adult. With that recognition, I was bombarded with new information and contexts with which to reframe so many of my previous life experiences. The clues and patterns I had accrued over my years of self work rapidly began to make sense and like magic, the puzzle pieces of "me" started snapping into place with startling gravity and clarity.

Giftedness was the final and most crucial piece of my puzzle because my giftedness, more so than my autism, shapes how I perceive and experience every dimension of life, from cognitive function and emotional responses to the values and motivations that drive me - the basis of everything that made me different from "everyone else" my whole life.

I came to the vivid realisation that I had never been "wrong" as a person - I had simply been using ill-fitting social and cultural contexts of the non-gifted neuromajority to evaluate myself as compared to the norm. I'd been modelling myself after the wrong neurosocial tribe, turning to the wrong tribes for validation and affirmation, and judging everything about myself as "wrong" using invalid social data and contexts. Instead of being "wrong" or "bad", I am just different - a member of a perfectly natural neurominority that is an expression of the natural diversity of the human species.

This realisation led me to an epiphany: "No one is stopping me from being me but me." I was inspired by this premise and resolved to test it, and what started out as an experiment soon metamorphosed into the apex of my journey to my authentic self.

A WORKING DEFINITION OF AUTHENTICITY

In my search to understand how to be an authentic gifted adult, I have found the etymologies of the terms "authenticity" and its related "integrity" to be highly instructive in themselves:

Authenticity: From Greek authentikos "original, genuine, principal," from authentes "one acting on one's own authority," from autos "self" + hentes "doer, being."

Integrity: From Latin integer "intact, whole, complete," literally "untouched," from in- "not" + tangere "to touch."

Authenticity and integrity, therefore, literally mean being and expressing one's untouched, original and genuine self on one's own authority.

Through my own work, I have come to experience authenticity and integrity as a mindset of self-security and freedom of choice that arises from one's inherent source of self authority and direction:

Integrity: "I am secure in my own authority of being and expressing who I am."

Authenticity: "I am free to choose my own experience and expression of who I am."

Therefore, I see integrity as an internal experience, and authenticity as the external expression - two halves of the same whole of being. Authenticity is how we choose to express our experience of integrity within.

WHAT I'VE LEARNED IN MY JOURNEY TO AUTHENTICITY

The road to rediscover and reconnect with my authentic self came with many hurdles. Here is some of the hard-earned wisdom I've learned on the road.

We can only do this for ourselves. We can't seek integrity or authenticity for the benefit or satisfaction of anyone else but ourselves, and we are bound to fail if we attempt to be authentic We can only seek integrity and authenticity as an act of self love and self care.
in order to induce a certain response or reaction in others.

We must risk the discomfort of not knowing what we will discover through our explorations and experimentation. I've had to accept that the process is not always what I We must be ready to welcome uncertainty and vulnerability as part of the process.
want to see but sometimes what I need to face.

THE EMOTIONAL BENEFITS OF LIVING AUTHENTICALLY

I always wondered how I would know if or when I had succeeded with my authenticity quest. After all, integrity and authenticity seemed like such intangible goals and outcomes. Turns out, the characteristics of integrity and authenticity are unmistakably verifiable mental and emotional states that cannot be forced or faked. Here's what I've experienced and what you can look forward to as a result of your own work on the journey.

You will finally feel free to be, do and create whatever you aspire to.
You no longer feel drained nor trapped by a lifetime of fear, anger, resentment and blame, and as a result, you no longer self-sabotage and block yourself at every turn. You are able to finally channel all your resources toward creating a healthy and fulfilling experience and expression of your authentic gifted self through work, play and meaningful connection with others.

A CONTAGION OF LIBERATION

How to connect with other authentic gifted people can be a challenge, and it's a challenge that takes courage on all our parts! If we are zebras living amongst giraffes, we can't expect other zebras to find us if we're disguising ourselves with brown and yellow patches to blend in with the crowd. If we want to find and attract other zebras, we need to wear our black and white stripes loud and proud!

W e are a statistically rare percentage of the human population. We are hard enough to find as it is, but if we each are actively hiding who we are, if we are feeling incapable or unworthy of authentic expression, or worse, not even able to ourselves authentically in the first place, that reduces our chances of connecting with and supporting one another one-thousand-fold. We need gifted people who give of their authentic selves and so are recognizable to us - we need their modeling, inspiration, creations, and pathos, for current and future generations. And we can be that for other gifted people in the world too, by having the courage and honesty to accept and love, experience and express, be, do and share who and what we are.

START HERE! AN INVITATION TO JOIN ME

With the generous support of Jennifer Harvey Sallin and InterGifted, I have been channeling everything I've learnt about the gifted person's journey toward authenticity and integrity into the project now known asplatform that provides gifted adults the space to explore, experiment with, express and experience who and what they are and aspire to be Intrepid Integrity. Intrepid Integrity is an "authenticity incubator" for gifted adults, meaning that it is a using creative practice as the means to reflect, rediscover and reconnect with their authentic selves. My aim and passion is to help gifted adults to realise they can create and experience life from an inherent source of integrity, as well as express their intensely and complexly sensitive and versatile -dimensional selves authentically with the world - boldly and joyfully.

Our next launch date is set for November 5, 2018. Join me for the 12-week intensive program with a private community and platform, weekly group coaching calls, and hands-on creative expression and step-by-step guidance. It's limited to the first 12 members who join, and spaces will fill up fast. Go to www.intrepidintegrity.com to sign up or email me directly to join. If you have questions about the program and your fit for the program, schedule a free 45-minute exploratory chat with me, or join one of my Facebook Live Q&A's by liking and following my Intrepid Integrity Facebook page. If the program isn't right for you at this time, I can suggest other steps toward your own authentic personal development, such as coaching or mentoring, or our community in InterGifted. However I can be of support, let me know; I look forward to meeting you and accompanying you on your authenticity journey!

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In a neuromajority culture, being gifted or twice-exceptional provides a hundred opportunities every day for feeling like one's authentic self isn't "right". It takes courage and hard work to find a way to bridge one's authentic expression and inner sense of integrity with the external world in contexts that don't match us well.