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BARBARA: :"You were both fucked up. You were fucked up. You're fucked up. 

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BARBARA: :"You were both fucked up. You were fucked up. You're fucked up. 

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This is the moment she decided to break complete with this decadent generation that has lots of traumas. She leave her mother behind.

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She's Beautiful When She's Angry - Official Trailer

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According to Tom Brokaw, the author of "The Greatest Generation" people who are part of this group developed "personal responsibility, duty, honor and faith."I would agree with Barbara, that that's not actually part of her parents strength. 

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According to Tom Brokaw, the author of "The Greatest Generation" people who are part of this group developed "personal responsibility, duty, honor and faith."I would agree with Barbara, that that's not actually part of her parents strength. 

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In "The Greatest Generation," Tom Brokaw argues that the World War II generation's perseverance through difficult times is a testament to their extraordinary character. Their remarkable actions, during times of war and peace, ultimately made the United States a better place in which to live. Born and raised in a tumultuous era marked by war and economic depression, Brokaw asserts, these men and women developed values of "personal responsibility, duty, honor and faith." These characteristics helped them to defeat Hitler, build the American economy, make advances in science and implement visionary programs like Medicare. According to Brokaw, "[a]t every stage of their lives they were part of historic challenges and achievements of a magnitude the world had never before witnessed."

Brokaw credits the Greatest Generation with much of the freedom and affluence that Americans enjoy today. "They have given the succeeding generations the opportunity to accumulate great economic wealth, political muscle, and the freedom from foreign oppression to make whatever choices they like," he writes. Despite these achievements, however, Brokaw believes that the Greatest Generation remains remarkably humble about what they've done. He concludes, "[i]t is a generation that, by and large, made no demands of homage from those who followed and prospered economically, politically, and culturally because of its sacrifices."

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In an effort to personify these lofty accomplishments, Brokaw profiles a few dozen members of the Greatest Generation, including some who gained significant notoriety in the years following World War II. Andy Rooney, best known for his segment on television's "60 Minutes," was a young sergeant reporting for the Army's newspaper, Stars and Stripes, during the war. Another notable member of this generation was Julia Child, an American chef who spent the war years working for the Office of Strategic Services (a precursor to the Central Intelligence Agency). Several prominent politicians also served in World War II. George Bush, the 41st president of the United States, was a Navy Air Corps pilot who survived after being shot down during a bombing run on a Japanese target. Another was 1996 presidential candidate Bob Dole, an Army lieutenant who was gravely wounded as he led a charge against a fortified German position.

Brokaw is passionate in his favorable assessment of such people and the ideals they represent. Click over to the next page to learn what moved him to write about this generation and how others criticize his nostalgic viewpoint.

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In "The Greatest Generation," Tom Brokaw argues that the World War II generation's perseverance through difficult times is a testament to their extraordinary character. Their remarkable actions, during times of war and peace, ultimately made the United States a better place in which to live.

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BARBARA: "'Greatest Generation' my ass. Are they really considering all the generations? Maybe there are some generations from the Iron Age that could compete. And what makes them so great anyways? Because they were poor and hated Nazis? Who doesn't fucking hate Nazis?"

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BARBARA: "'Greatest Generation' my ass. Are they really considering all the generations? Maybe there are some generations from the Iron Age that could compete. And what makes them so great anyways? Because they were poor and hated Nazis? Who doesn't fucking hate Nazis?"

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Barbara is criticizing the generation that lived trough World War II. I have a sense that she is saying that they are living in the past, because nowadays everybody in good conscience hate Nazis. Her mom's generation cannot hide behind what they did or they were. The new generation also has a lot to teach, and if the old one doesn't look to some aspects of itself and change, they are not so great anymore.

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Stop referring to meetings as 'powwows.'

I don't know what it is about dads and bosses that prevents them from being able to say, "Let's call a meeting" or "Let's brainstorm," but it's far too common to use the word "powwow" instead.

Powwows are enormous celebrations that require months of planning. They are a way to celebrate Native heritage, art, and community. A lot of them (specifically ones that take place on reservations) tend to be private festivals, but it is possible to find public ones in larger cities around Indigenous Peoples' Day.

The idea of taking a powwow and reducing it to a "cute" way to refer to your 10-minute conference call with Jeff from corporate just makes no sense to me. Go to a public-friendly powwow, observe, and culture yourself. I promise that you won't regret it!

It's never OK to call something your 'spirit animal,' regardless of what that online quiz told you.

For real guys: Stop saying that you have a spirit animal. You literally don't. I don't care what that online quiz you took told you or how close you are with your Pomeranian.

Whether or not a tribe actually follows the "spirit animal" ideal, animals play a huge part in Native culture. For you to dilute that by taking a quiz on Buzzfeed that says your spirit animal is a cat because you "are always up to something and don't have patience for the stupidity of those around you" is extremely offensive to us.

Most tribes don't even have "spirit animals." That's just a term that was popularized because it's so easy to understand what it means. Most tribes just have what are called guides, totems, messengers, or in the case of my tribe, gods. For example, my tribe has several gods that are personified animals - my favorite being Mica, the coyote god who is a friend to the trickster spider god Iktomi, and is equally as much of a trickster.

Instead, how about replacing it with a term that isn't racially loaded, like Patronus. Y'all like Harry Potter, right?

Stop referring to people as 'chief.'

Calling a Native "chief" is offensive. It's a nickname that reduces us solely to our race. And the fact that it is such an honorable title reserved for leaders of tribes makes it so much worse. Chiefs were chosen either by tribe or inheritance to lead them and be the proxy for the tribe. I don't run my tribe, so don't call me chief.

Also, using "chief" as a term of endearment for your friends is cringey as well. Don't be that guy. Instead, think of any other nicknames you can call people, like "dude" or something.

I'm not 'Indian,' I'm Native American, Indigenous, or First Nations.

This one is tricky. After 600 years of being incorrect, our primarily white government has made "American Indian" an official term for Natives. In fact, the official federal agency that oversees Native land management is called the Bureau of Indian Affairs, however I know a lot of Natives that don't like being called Indian because that just isn't who we are - we're not from India.

A good rule of thumb for this is when referring to Natives, call us Native American, Indigenous, First Nations, or by our specific band or tribe if you want some extra Ally Points, and just let Natives call each other Indian.

Racial slurs are racist, no matter how antiquated they may be.

This one should be a no-brainer, but "redskin" and "Injun" are never OK words to say.

I do not care if you are a huge fan of Washington's football team - "redskin" is a slur that you are NOT allowed to say. If I hear you say this around me, I will give you a warning out of politeness, but after that, I will personally cancel your a--.

Even if you hear two Natives talking and one of them says it, that does not give you permission. If you ask any Native, I'm sure they've been called either one of those several times during harsh moments of racism, although "Injun" is fairly uncommon these days.

And don't call Natives, or anything they do, 'savage.'

Twitter/Andrew Wallenstein

Another slur that I personally don't tolerate that has recently become colloquially acceptable is "savage." It's a lot more innocuous than you'd think but, due to the racially loaded context of the word, it can be extremely offensive and triggering to a lot of Natives.

When the incredibly racist Dior Sauvage commercial came out in 2019, I was lucky to have many friends reach out and ask if I was OK. I wasn't. The worst part about it is that Dior simply deleted everything having to do with the ad, issued no apology, and went on with its day acting like it didn't just use Natives in an ad for a perfume named after the French word for one of the biggest slurs for us.

I don't really care if you say something that someone did was "savage, bro," but try to refrain from saying that specifically to your Native friends - that's when it can get personal and offensive. I know some people are a lot more forgiving about this one, but I'm not. This and "redskin" were the main slurs I got all throughout middle and high school, and hearing either one is a major trigger for me.

Stop saying you're Native if you aren't enrolled in a tribe.

The worst part of telling people I'm Native is that in any social interaction, someone will inevitably claim to also be Native American.

They'll tell some tale about an old and distant relative that neither they nor their parents ever met who was a full-blooded " Cherokee princess," and because of this, they themselves are also Native American. (Never mind the fact that North American Native tribes had no form of royalty in any sense.)

Not surprisingly, the same people that claim Native ancestry never cite a specific band or nation - Cherokee is the go-to claimed tribe, but when claiming, they typically don't know anything specific, even though there are three different recognized Cherokee tribes. We call these folks " Pretendians."

To be Native American, you don't claim a tribe; a tribe claims you. I am an enrolled Sicangu Lakota, and my reservation is the Rosebud Sioux Reservation in Okreek, South Dakota. If you can't point to a specific band or nation of Native America that claims you as one of their own, you aren't Native. It's as simple as that.

With the recent surge of 23andMe-esque DNA tests, people have been doing this way more often. Pretendians fail to recognize the fact that Native tribes reject DNA evidence as a means of proving Native status. Also, due to blood quantum laws, being Native is based on the pedigree of our blood, making us one of three organisms on Earth determined that way, along with horses and dogs.

The worst part of this is that Pretendians love to claim Native ancestry, but when was the last time they did something for the betterment of a tribe? They never know or care about Native issues like MMIW ("Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women," a modern-day genocide of Native women), the fact that suicide rates for Native teens are 2.5 times higher than the national average, and that Native teens have a death rate two to five times higher than that of whites in the same age range.

If you claim to be Native for vanity and you don't care about us, then you are contributing to the problem.

And by the way, our culture is not a costume.

On a final note, here's a non-verbal thing you should never do and immediately call out if you see someone doing: STOP DRESSING UP AS NATIVES. My race and culture are not a costume.

Whether it's Halloween or having unknowing first graders wear paper feathers for the Thanksgiving program at the local elementary school, dressing up as another race is never OK.

Seriously, try dressing up as any other race on Halloween and you'll end up in hot water. But for some reason, non-Natives can take Pocahontas - a 17-year old who was kidnapped and forced into a marriage with a much older European man - make her "sexy," call it "Pocahottie," and wear that to a Halloween party, and no one bats an eye. I smell a double standard!

I should point out that very few tribes actually wore headdresses. But mine is one that did, and if I see you at Coachella wearing one or at Melrose Trading Post selling them as a way to pretend to be a "free spirit," I will be calling you out for your blatant racism. It's 2020 - there are no excuses.

Also, while on the subject, if you know of a sports team that uses a specific tribe or Native-synonymous word as their franchise name, and you want to be a true ally, pen them a letter that says it offends you and you'd like for them to change their name. Nothing may come of it, but it would mean a lot to Natives like me.

More: Features BI-freelancer Freelancer Race

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7 things you should never say to a Native American

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Stop referring to meetings as 'powwows.' I don't know what it is about dads and bosses that prevents them from being able to say, "Let's call a meeting" or "Let's brainstorm," but it's far too common to use the word "powwow" instead. Powwows are enormous celebrations that require months of planning.

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BARBARA: "Why is so hard to call people what they want-?"

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BARBARA: "Why is so hard to call people what they want-?"

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Barbara argues with her mom about calling Johnna an Indian. She tries to use reason, saying that Johnna, in fact, is more native than Violet. But after no results, she shows a humanitarian version of herself, that just thinks people should choose how they identify and how they want to be called. This also reveals the generational gap between Barbara and Violet values.

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Barbara is the character that most challenges old American norms and values. Sometimes she speaks direct to it, other times she teaches the other characters in a less openly way.

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Credit... David Alan Harvey/Magnum Photos

Millions of poor children and teenagers grow up without their biological father, and often when you ask them about it, you hear a litany of male barbarism. You hear teens describe how their dad used to beat up their mom, how an absent father had five kids with different women and abandoned them all.

The children's tales often reinforce the standard image we have of the deadbeat dad - the selfish cad who spreads his seed and leaves generations of wreckage in his wake.

Yet when you ask absent fathers themselves, you get a different picture. You meet guys who desperately did not want to leave their children, who swear they have tried to be with them, who may feel unworthy of fatherhood but who don't want to be the missing dad their own father was.

In truth, when fathers abandon their own children, it's not a momentary decision; it's a long, tragic process. A number of researchers have tried to understand how father abandonment happens, most importantly Kathryn Edin and Timothy J. Nelson, who moved to Philadelphia and Camden, N.J., immersed themselves in the neighborhoods there and produced an amazing account, " Doing the Best I Can."

Pregnancy is rarely planned among the populations they studied. Typically the parents are in a semi-relationship that is somewhere between a one-night stand and an actual boyfriend-girlfriend bond. The couple use contraception at the beginning, but when it becomes understood they are "together," they stop. They don't really talk about pregnancy, but they sort of make it possible.

When the men learn that their partner is pregnant, they don't panic, or lament all the freedom they are going to miss. On the contrary, three-quarters of the men in Edin and Nelson's research were joyous at the news. The men are less likely than the women to want to end the pregnancy with an abortion.

These guys have often had a lot of negativity in their lives. The child is a chance to turn things around and live a disciplined life. The child is a chance to have a respected role, to find love and purpose.

The men at this stage are filled with earnest resolve. They begin to take the relationship more seriously and commit to the kid during infancy. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, black single fathers are more involved in their kids' lives than white single fathers at this stage.

The key weakness is not the father's bond to the child; it's the parents' bond with each other. They usually went into this without much love or sense of commitment. The fathers often retain a traditional and idealistic "Leave It to Beaver" view of marriage. They dream of the perfect soul mate. They know this woman isn't it, so they are still looking.

Buried in the rigors of motherhood, the women, meanwhile, take a very practical view of what they need in a man: Will this guy provide the financial stability I need, and if not, can I trade up to someone who will?

The father begins to perceive the mother as bossy, just another authority figure to be skirted. Run-ins with drugs, the law and other women begin to make him look even more disreputable in her eyes.

By the time the child is 1, half these couples have split up, and many of the rest will part ways soon after. Suddenly there's a new guy living in the house, a man who resents the old one. The father redefines his role. He no longer aims to be the provider and caregiver, just the occasional "best friend" who can drop by and provide a little love. This is a role he has a shot at fulfilling, but it destroys parental responsibility.

He believes in fatherhood and tries it again with other women, with the same high hopes, but he's really only taking care of the child he happens to be living with at any given moment. The rest are abandoned.

The good news, especially from the Edin-Nelson research, is that the so-called deadbeat dads want to succeed as fathers. Their goals and values point them in the right direction, but they're stuck in a formless romantic anarchy. They need help finding the practical bridges to help them get where they want to go.

People are rising up to provide that help. In Chicago the poet Harold Green has been championing fatherhood. Mayor Rahm Emanuel, a vocal leader in this cause, had Green recite his poem " Something to Live For " at his inaugural in 2015, and this Sunday the two of them will be appearing together to honor role model fathers on the South Side.

It would be great if society could rally around the six or seven key bridges on the path to fatherhood. For example, find someone you love before you have intercourse. Or, make sure you want to spend years with this partner before you get off the pill. Or, create a couple's budget to make sure you can afford this.

The stable two-parent family is what we want. A few economic support programs and a confident social script could make an enormous difference in getting us there.

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Opinion | Why Fathers Leave Their Children (Published 2017)

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Millions of poor children and teenagers grow up without their biological father, and often when you ask them about it, you hear a litany of male barbarism. You hear teens describe how their dad used to beat up their mom, how an absent father had five kids with different women and abandoned them all.

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She is again asking Bill to show up as a whole, not just occasionally. He cannot be always the nice one, because he is also responsible for Jeanne's education. Barbara has to be a mom full-time while Bill has time to have a girlfriend, for example.

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BARBARA: "I fail. As a sister, as a mother, as a wife. I fail"

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BARBARA: "I fail. As a sister, as a mother, as a wife. I fail"

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She doesn't take into consideration that she was the only one trying to do something, that's why she failed. The others were just waiting for her to act, so there was no way for them to fail.

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BARBARA: "Men always say shit like that, as if the past and the future don't exist."

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BARBARA: "Men always say shit like that, as if the past and the future don't exist."

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That's a response for Bill saying he was there for her. Barbara feels abandoned for Bill. What is contradictory is that he is actually of one the few people who does try to help her, but she always push him away for being too hurt by the betrayal.

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BARBARA: "I'm sick of being fair! I've seen where being fair gets me! I'm sick of the whole notion of enduring female!"

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BARBARA: "I'm sick of being fair! I've seen where being fair gets me! I'm sick of the whole notion of enduring female!"

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Barbara is fed up. She is an enduring female. Barbara had potential as a writer until she got married and gave up on herself to build a family. She still has Bill by her side after he cheated on her. The main male of her family just killed himself leaving all the women behind. In Barbara's life experience, women support everything while men just let them down.

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VIOLET: "Barbara? (Barbara grabs her purse, digs out rental car keys.) Barbara? (Barbara stands, listens to her mother.) Barbara, please. (Barbara exits the house.) Please, Barbara. Please. (Violet shuffles into the living room.) Barbara? You in here? (She crosses to the dining room.) Ivy? Ivy, you here? Barb? (She crosses to the kitchen.) Barb? Ivy? (She turns in a circle, disoriented, panicked. She crosses to the study.) Bev?[...]

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VIOLET: "Barbara? (Barbara grabs her purse, digs out rental car keys.) Barbara? (Barbara stands, listens to her mother.) Barbara, please. (Barbara exits the house.) Please, Barbara. Please. (Violet shuffles into the living room.) Barbara? You in here? (She crosses to the dining room.) Ivy? Ivy, you here? Barb? (She crosses to the kitchen.) Barb? Ivy? (She turns in a circle, disoriented, panicked. She crosses to the study.) Bev?[...]

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First, one could think Violet wants Barbara to stay because she doesn't want to be alone, and that's also true. But after calling Ivy and Bev, Barbara is the name that she goes back to it. Barbara is the person that she wanted to stay with her. Barbara, for example, was the only one who tried to stop with the pills. She cares and Violet trusts her.

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IVY: "Well, that's not true. You weren't his favorite. I was. You're Mom's favorite."

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IVY: "Well, that's not true. You weren't his favorite. I was. You're Mom's favorite."

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Ivy has a reason to think that Violet prefers Barbara. Besides the addiction, in a close look, they are both strong women who speak their minds and make decisions for their own lives. They are/were also pursuing relationships that failed. As Violet says to Barbara in one of their last conversations, she is the one stronger, she is the one who stays. And Barbara, in some sense, does as well (stays with Bill, comes back to her mom, stay with Jeanne,etc)

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VIOLET: "You couldn’t come home when I got cancer but as soon as Beverly disappeared you rushed back."

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VIOLET: "You couldn’t come home when I got cancer but as soon as Beverly disappeared you rushed back."

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Violet knows that Barbara was not Bev's favorite, but she knows Barbara liked her father better than her, and she is jealous of that. In my opinion, all the good things that Violet says Bev thought about Barbara, are actually Violet's opinion.

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BILL: "You're thoughtful, Barbara, but you're not open. You are passionate, but you are hard. You're good, decent, funny, wonderful woman, and I love you, but you're a pain in the ass. "

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BILL: "You're thoughtful, Barbara, but you're not open. You are passionate, but you are hard. You're good, decent, funny, wonderful woman, and I love you, but you're a pain in the ass. "

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Barbara is always calling Bill up on this bullshit. Maybe if he was more responsible and mature, she didn't need to be a pain in the ass. This phrase is even confuse to me, how someone good, decent, funny and wonderful can be considered a pain? What kind of expectative he has? No wonder Barbara is questioning her value.

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If Barbara already had low self-esteem, this study suggests that Bill's infidelity is more likely to cause her stress, anxiety and depression.

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If Barbara already had low self-esteem, this study suggests that Bill's infidelity is more likely to cause her stress, anxiety and depression.

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New research published in the journal Personality and Individual Differences provides new insight into the mental health consequences of being cheated on. The findings indicate that a high self-esteem can dampen the emotional aftermath of a partner's infidelity.

"Being cheated on can lead to poor emotional and psychological health like increased stress, anxiety, and depressive symptoms," said study author M. Rosie Shrout (@RosieShrout), a postdoctoral researcher at Ohio State University.

"Although many people experience these symptoms after a partner's infidelity, not everyone who is cheated on reacts the same way. We wanted to know why people have such different emotional experiences."

"We know that self-esteem is important in times of stress. People who typically see themselves as worthy and accept themselves for who they are tend to also see stressful experiences more positively. On the other hand, people with low self-esteem are more likely to see stressful events in a negative light," Shrout explained.

"We were curious how self-esteem played a role in the emotional fallout of a partner's infidelity - would high self-esteem shield people from their partner's infidelity? And would infidelity take a greater emotional toll on those with low self-esteem?"

For their study, the researchers surveyed 232 college students who had been cheated on while in a committed relationship in the past 3 months. At the time of the study, 15% of the participants indicated that they were still in a relationship with the partner who had cheated on them.

The researchers found that participants who scored higher on a measure of self-esteem tended to report less stress and fewer mental health symptoms after their partner's infidelity.

"As we anticipated, self-esteem helped to reduce the negative emotional and psychological health aftermath of a partner's infidelity," Shrout told PsyPost.

"In addition, our prior work had shown how blaming a partner for cheating, such as feeling like their partners caused and were responsible for the infidelity, led to poorer mental health. In this study, people who blamed their partners and who had low self-esteem reported the highest levels of stress, anxiety, and depression."

In other words, participants who agreed with statements such as "I thought the reason my partner cheated on me was not likely to change" and "I thought my partner deserved to be blamed for cheating on me" tended to report more infidelity-related stress, which in turn was associated with greater mental health symptoms.

"But, for those with high self-esteem, blaming their partners translated to less intense emotional and psychological symptoms," Shrout said.

The new findings help explain the individual differences in responses to being cheated on.

"How we see ourselves in times of stress is important. Two people can experience the same negative event, and one person might have very little mental health consequences, while the other experiences several symptoms. In this study, self-esteem played a pivotal role in explaining why people have such different emotional responses to a partner's infidelity," Shrout added.

"It is possible that people who have high self-esteem had more resources to cope with the infidelity, such as turning to their friends and family and going back to their hobbies. Those with low self-esteem might have been unable to muster the personal resources to manage their stress, ultimately intensifying the impact of their partner's infidelity."

But, as with all research, the study includes some caveats.

"Although infidelity can be a damaging and stressful experience regardless of who is cheated on, most of our participants were young adults in dating relationships. Though the majority were in serious and committed relationships, infidelity's emotional and mental health toll might be different for those in longer-term or marital relationships," Shrout explained.

The study, " Coping with infidelity: The moderating role of self-esteem ", was authored by M. Rosie Shrout and Daniel J. Weigel.

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New study suggests self-esteem plays a pivotal role in the psychological fallout caused by infidelity

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New research published in the journal Personality and Individual Differences provides new insight into the mental health consequences of being cheated on. The findings indicate that a high self-esteem can dampen the emotional aftermath of a partner's infidelity. "Being cheated on can lead to poor emotional and psychological health like increased stress, anxiety, and depressive symptoms," said study author M.

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BARBARA:"[...] Do I bore you, intimidate you, disgust you? Is this just about the pleasures of young flesh, teenage pussy? I really need to know." 

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BARBARA:"[...] Do I bore you, intimidate you, disgust you? Is this just about the pleasures of young flesh, teenage pussy? I really need to know." 

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But Bill did crush her self-esteem at once. Barbara is not the young version of herself who was in love and decided to move with Bill. He got to be a professor and she is the one who the husband is cheating on with a student. She has to be the responsible pain in the ass one because he is the one playing teenager having an affair with a kid. In this phrase, she shows that she wonders and blames herself for Bill's betrayal. Even when she talks about teenage pussy, she is blaming herself for aging.

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BARBARA: "If he thought that, and I doubt he did, he was wrong. Anyway, what's the difference? It's my life. I can do whatever I want." 

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BARBARA: "If he thought that, and I doubt he did, he was wrong. Anyway, what's the difference? It's my life. I can do whatever I want." 

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Violet shows the audience that Barbara had already problems with her self-esteem before being cheated on by Bill. Her father believed in her potential as a writer and she didn't. She gets feisty not just because she is being accused of making the wrong decision, but at this point in his life, she is also questioning the decision of going away with Bill. The "I can do whatever I want" attitude is also a similarity between Barbara and Violet.

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Although she is a strong character, and a woman who speaks for herself, Barbara has low self-esteem. Bill and Violet bullying her reinforces that.

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For Mother's Day I asked for one thing: a house cleaning service. Bathrooms and floors specifically, windows if the extra expense was reasonable. The gift, for me, was not so much in the cleaning itself but the fact that for once I would not be in charge of the household office work. I would not have to make the calls, get multiple quotes, research and vet each service, arrange payment and schedule the appointment. The real gift I wanted was to be relieved of the emotional labor of a single task that had been nagging at the back of my mind. The clean house would simply be a bonus.

My husband waited for me to change my mind to an "easier" gift than housecleaning, something he could one-click order on Amazon. Disappointed by my unwavering desire, the day before Mother's Day he called a single service, decided they were too expensive, and vowed to clean the bathrooms himself. He still gave me the choice, of course. He told me the high dollar amount of completing the cleaning services I requested (since I control the budget) and asked incredulously if I still wanted him to book it.

What I wanted was for him to ask friends on Facebook for a recommendation, call four or five more services, do the emotional labor I would have done if the job had fallen to me. I had wanted to hire out deep cleaning for a while, especially since my freelance work had picked up considerably. The reason I hadn't done it yet was part guilt over not doing my housework, and an even larger part of not wanting to deal with the work of hiring a service. I knew exactly how exhausting it was going to be. That's why I asked my husband to do it as a gift.

According to Dr. Michele Ramsey, Associate Professor of Communication Arts and Sciences at Penn State Berks, emotional labor is often conflated with problem solving. "The gendered assumption is that 'men are the problem solvers because women are too emotional,'" she explains. "But who is really solving the bulk of the world's problems at home and in the office?" As the household manager for my husband and three kids, I'm fairly certain I know the answer. I was gifted a necklace for Mother's Day while my husband stole away to deep clean the bathrooms, leaving me to care for our children as the rest of the house fell into total disarray.

In his mind, he was doing the thing I had most wanted-giving me sparkling bathrooms without having to do it myself. Which is why he was frustrated when I ungratefully passed by, not looking at his handiwork as I put away his shoes, shirt and socks that had been left on the floor. I stumbled over the box of gift wrap he had pulled off a high shelf two days earlier and left in the center of our closet. In order to put it back, I had to get a kitchen chair and drag it into our closet so I could reach the shelf where it belonged.

"All you have to do is ask me to put it back," he said, watching me struggle.

It was obvious that the box was in the way, that it needed to be put back. It would have been easy for him to just reach up and put it away, but instead he had stepped around it, willfully ignoring it for two days. It was up to me to tell him that he should put away something he got out in the first place.

"That's the point," I said, now in tears, "I don't want to have to ask."

The crying, the snapping at him-it all required damage control. I had to tell him how much I appreciated the bathroom cleaning, but perhaps he could do it another time (like when our kids were in bed). Then I tried to gingerly explain the concept of emotional labor: that I was the manager of the household, and that being manager was a lot of thankless work. Delegating work to other people, i.e. telling him to do something he should instinctively know to do, is exhausting. I tried to tell him that I noticed the box at least 20 times over the past two days. He had noticed it only when I was heaving it onto the top shelf instead of asking for help. The whole explanation took a lot of restraint.

Walking that fine line to keep the peace and not upset your partner is something women are taught to accept as their duty from an early age. "In general, we gender emotions in our society by continuing to reinforce the false idea that women are always, naturally and biologically able to feel, express, and manage our emotions better than men," says Dr. Lisa Huebner, a sociologist of gender, who both publishes and teaches on the subject of emotional labor at West Chester University of Pennsylvania. "This is not to say that some individuals do not manage emotion better than others as part of their own individual personality, but I would argue that we still have no firm evidence that this ability is biologically determined by sex. At the same time (and I would argue because it is not a natural difference) we find all kinds of ways in society to ensure that girls and women are responsible for emotions and, then, men get a pass."

My husband is a good man, and a good feminist ally. I could tell, as I walked him through it, that he was trying to grasp what I was getting at. But he didn't. He said he'd try to do more cleaning around the house to help me out. He restated that all I ever needed to do was ask him for help, but therein lies the problem. I don't want to micromanage housework. I want a partner with equal initiative.

However, it's not as easy as telling him that. My husband, despite his good nature and admirable intentions, still responds to criticism in a very patriarchal way. Forcing him to see emotional labor for the work it is feels like a personal attack on his character. If I were to point out random emotional labor duties I carry out-reminding him of his family's birthdays, carrying in my head the entire school handbook and dietary guidelines for lunches, updating the calendar to include everyone's schedules, asking his mother to babysit the kids when we go out, keeping track of what food and household items we are running low on, tidying everyone's strewn about belongings, the unending hell that is laundry-he would take it as me saying, "Look at everything I'm doing that you're not. You're a bad person for ignoring me and not pulling your weight."

Bearing the brunt of all this emotional labor in a household is frustrating. It's the word I hear most commonly when talking to friends about the subject of all the behind-the-scenes work they do. It's frustrating to be saddled with all of these responsibilities, no one to acknowledge the work you are doing, and no way to change it without a major confrontation.

"What bothers me the most about having any conversation around emotional labor is being seen as a nag," says Kelly Burch, a freelance journalist who works primarily from home. "My partner feels irritated and defensive by the fact that I'm always pointing out what he's not doing. It shuts him down. I understand why it would be frustrating from his perspective, but I haven't figured out another way to make him aware of all the emotional and mental energy I'm spending to keep the house running."

Even having a conversation about the imbalance of emotional labor becomes emotional labor. It gets to a point where I have to weigh the benefits of getting my husband to understand my frustration against the compounded emotional labor of doing so in a way that won't end in us fighting. Usually I let it slide, reminding myself that I'm lucky to have a partner who willingly complies to any task I decide to assign to him. I know compared to many women, including female family members and friends, I have it so easy. My husband does a lot. He does dishes every night habitually. He often makes dinner. He will handle bedtime for the kids when I am working. If I ask him to take on extra chores, he will, without complaint. It feels greedy, at times, to want more from him.

Yet I find myself worrying about how the mental load bore almost exclusively by women translates into a deep gender inequality that is hard to shake on the personal level. It is difficult to model an egalitarian household for my children when it is clear that I am the household manager, tasked with delegating any and all household responsibilities, or taking on the full load myself. I can feel my sons and daughter watching our dynamic all the time, gleaning the roles for themselves as they grow older.

When I brush my daughter's hair and elaborately braid it round the side of her scalp, I am doing the thing that is expected of me. When my husband brushes out tangles before bedtime, he needs his efforts noticed and congratulated-saying aloud in front of both me and her that it took him a whole 15 minutes. There are many small examples of where the work I normally do must be lauded when transferred to my husband. It seems like a small annoyance, but its significance looms larger.

My son will boast of his clean room and any other jobs he has done; my daughter will quietly put her clothes in the hamper and get dressed each day without being asked. They are six and four respectively. Unless I engage in this conversation on emotional labor and actively change the roles we inhabit, our children will do the same. They are already following in our footsteps; we are leading them toward the same imbalance.

"Children learn their communication patterns and gender roles (kids can recognize 'proper' gender behavior by age three) from a variety of people and institutions, but their parents are the ones that they, in theory, interact with the most," notes Dr. Ramsey. So if we want to change the expectations of emotional labor for the next generation, it has to start at home. "For parents, this means making sure that one spouse does not do more of that type of labor than the other. Speaking in terms of how emotional labor is currently divided, girls will hopefully learn not to expect to have to do that labor and boys will hopefully learn not to expect females to do that labor for them. Children watching parents share that emotional labor will be more likely to be children who expect that labor to be shared in their own lives."

I know it's not going to be easy for either of us to tackle the splitting of emotional labor, nor do I ever expect it to be completely equitable. (I'll admit that I probably enjoy certain types of emotional labor far more than my husband, like planning our meals and vacations.) I'm also more skilled at emotional labor on the whole because I've had my entire life to practice it. But if we're lucky, he's got a whole lot of life left to hone his emotional labor skills, and to change the course of our children's future. Our sons can still learn to carry their own weight. Our daughter can learn to not carry others'.

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For Mother's Day I asked for one thing: a house cleaning service. Bathrooms and floors specifically, windows if the extra expense was reasonable. The gift, for me, was not so much in the cleaning itself but the fact that for once I would not be in charge of the household office work.

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"VIOLET: Someone should probably say grace. (All look to one another) Barbara? Will you...?"

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"VIOLET: Someone should probably say grace. (All look to one another) Barbara? Will you...?"

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This happens dinner after the funeral. After saying men are in a cockfight, Violet requests Barbara to say grace. Violet doesn't do it herself or ask another daughter. Maybe not conscious but Barbara is already the head of the family, she is in charge of the house and Violet proves that with this request.

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That's one of the most powerful moments of Barbara. She is the one running things since she arrived anyway. She is the one who is trying to talk about her relationship with her husband. She is the one who is recognizing the body of her dead father. She is the only one who shows concern and confronts her mother about her drug addiction. This line is Barbara saying to everybody, "if you are going to rely on me for everything, you are also going to respect me."

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"All right. Okay. So what happens? What do we do now?"

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"All right. Okay. So what happens? What do we do now?"

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Barbara opened the door to the Sheriff, she tried to get her mom, who was so drugged that couldn't even talk. The Sherif tells Barbara they found her father's body. She goes down on her knees, she just got the news about her father's death and she is in distress, but 9 lines later that is her reaction. She doesn't give herself time because she knows she is the first responder of the family. She can't be "weak" having her moment to process it.

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Ivy is the daughter who stayed. But once Barbara arrives, she is the one who solves everything. Barbara is not in a good place in her particular life but she takes all the emotional labor of the situation.

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She is coming back home with her daughter and a husband who cheated on her to find her father dead and her mother addicted to drugs still.