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It's a beautiful ride, a journey of ups, and downs. Unknown, unsure, and uncertain. Thanks be to God's grace that have given me the revelation of being "His" that saved me from believing in the lie that "I am always alone".

The healing came about when I was actually "physically ill" and sought the Lord in all that I was. Being in spaces where previous environment eg: churches while attending mass often made me feel "alone".

But God in His wisdom, and kindness opened a new path for me. He showed me that in your honesty, and sincerity of seeking me, I will reveal myself to you. And I started experiencing, and seeing this "aloneness" as non-existent!!

It didn't bother me as much, and He would help me overcome it even though those thoughts would sometimes still creep in.

How God healed me? He changed the narrative in my mind - of me-centered to him-centered, and I really love that. In my moment of weakness, God showed me His strength. ❤️

That makes me worship, and love Him more authentically, and fully 🙏🏻

AL (Always loved)

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Can a church community accept a "me" who is not "doing" all the time?

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Can a church community accept a "me" who is not "doing" all the time?

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I am a parentified child and so I grew up being hypervigilant to what others say and to  the changing moods of people around me,  being sensitive to the emotions of others, sympathetic to others’ needs and overall, a people-pleaser.  All these relational dynamics play out in similar ways in the church community.  In a way, this was my parents’ community; they have brought me along when I was young, and I started serving in ministries in my teenage years. So, in this place, I was always smiling and polite, especially when most of them around me are older than me or are of my parents’ age.

I am now an adult with my own family and children. I started becoming more active around 6 to 7 years ago, taking up leadership position in the ministry, becoming more involved in organizing activities and being part of the Executive committee. It was very exciting and joyful at the beginning. I was planning to stop work then to have more time for my children and to take a break from the previously hectic life. Doing more in the church was a way my life can be meaningful since I was serving God and people. I thought how blessed I was to be in such a situation.

Over the past 3 years, I have slowly retreated from all ministry work. I was feeling overwhelmed by the never-ending events that had to be planned. I had come to know that I have complex trauma issues and needed time and space to heal. It was an arduous process as I had to learn to set boundaries and say “no” to people, often feeling guilty or anxious. At this point, I have left the church community completely, attending mass at a different church because it is unable to hold space for me to rest and heal. It was impossible to only go for mass and be part of the community without being involved in any ministry. I will be asked time and again when I am going back to serve or persuaded to go back and serve or given suggestion to join a different ministry or told that I have rested for a long time already. Someone even said to others in front of the priest that it would take the priest to get me to work. I felt disappointed, hurt, unseen and used. I felt that no one was interested in ‘me’ unless I was doing something. And I would get triggered whenever I was going to that mass timing, feeling anxious, having bloated tummy or in low spirits until I decided that I could not go anymore.

Also, I no longer want to be the little kid tagging along with my parents and was hoping to build my own group of friends in this community. I envied friends who seem to be able to socialize well in the community because I actually felt detached and quite alone all my life in this church community.

Looking back, I realize I was not feeling safe in this place. When I took up leadership role in Lectors, I tried not to miss any mass at that timing even when it wasn’t my duty day. I had to make sure nothing goes wrong or if the lectors on duty had any problems, I could be there. There would be some feedback from parishioners at times when there were any issues. So I felt that I had to be there to understand what went wrong.  One time, I made a tough decision to go for another mass timing instead because it was my son’s birthday and we wanted to spend the day out to celebrate. It seems weird to me now, but at that time, I hesitated and took a while to finally decide that it was fine to miss that mass.  That day, I felt joy when we were out having fun in an indoor playground. And I wondered to myself then, this must be how God wants me to feel - Joy! It can be found outside the church when I am having fun with my family. It was the right decision, it wasn’t wrong to miss that mass timing.

I fell very sick on one Easter. I was having a really bad runny nose and my eyes could barely open, but I was still conducting the choir for the Easter mass and was also involved in the easter celebration after (this was before Covid times).  Perhaps I thought then that “ I could do all things through him who strengthens me” so being that unwell still means that I could pushed on.

Over time, there seemed to be more work to do, being in organizing committee for one event after another, Christmas plays/ party, Easter celebration, Marian procession, Get together dinners after mass, CNY celebration. For a few consecutive Christmases, we did not put up a Christmas tree in the house because we were busy preparing for Christmas plays in the church. While I was still recovering from 2018 Christmas (which was the third year I had put up Christmas skits with the kids in the community, I was put into another chatgroup for upcoming CNY celebration. I did not expect that.  I was already very exhausted so I told the chairperson that I was tired. The answer I got was “just enjoy”, “surrender to God”. And I tried, I got on with being part of the organizing committee for CNY celebration as well as some other events in that year. As I do more, there would be more do to. The invitation always comes with “God has given you this grace/gift/talent, so you are suitable to do this work.” Initially, it felt like an honour or a privilege, over time it felt manipulative and also some form of guilt-tripping.  And certainly, a lot of spiritual bypassing.

There were days when I got so busy, the dishes were not done, the kids were not having proper homecooked meals, the house was in a mess etc. It got me thinking - Wasn’t taking care of my family the initial plan and reason to stop working? No one would tell me that I have too much on my plate or what I should prioritize. No one would stand up for me.  If I do not say “no”, others will assume it is a “yes”. That’s when I started to list down all the commitments I have in the church and to see where I can cut back.

I started retreating from leadership role in the ministries.  Saying “no” was not natural for me at all, being afraid to offend and upset others. One day out of the blue, I received a text message from the Chairperson saying that “ taking a break from serving God is for longer journey ahead, so it was ok for me to take a break to take care of my children first.” I replied politely that I am in a way not taking a break but serving God in other ways. She explained that the break meant slowing down my pace in ministry involvement. My hands were shaking as I typed and my heart was pumping fast. I thought that I was attacked by the enemy on my vanity and pride as I couldn’t be seen as “not working” or “resting” and I even went for confession for this.  But after a year of therapy, I think it wasn’t about being proud or vain. What I was feeling was “anger” because at that time, there were still others things I was doing and isn’t parenthood also part of serving God and yet I was told that being less involved in leadership roles was taking a break from serving.  My inner child felt injustice!

Healing from childhood trauma takes energy and time and I need time and space that this community could not give. This community became more and more unsafe for me that when I decided to quit from all ministeries, I would get anxious when someone say they want to talk with me. I tried to go back to the mass a few times with my parents, but I would get nervous when I was getting ready to go out. Or I would be hypervigilant and rehearsed in my mind how to answer to why I was not there for so long. I even came up with a standard script so that I won’t be unprepared.  I also realize it is not healthy to be in the same community as my parents. Being seen as such a happy and loving family, I could not share my wounds or past family trauma to anyone.  I do not feel safe or comfortable to do that nor do I think that anyone can understand or empathize.

I still hope to experience love in a community. I never thought I would be in this state of leaving a community (I used to think people who left community were not being forgiving) but I realized is it not because of one reason people leave a community.  It could be a culmination of many experiences and factors.) For me now, this is the only way I can avoid being triggered or retraumatized.

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Of course this line comes from a "religious" angle, that our earthly existence is "just that", and that our long-term goal is our heavenly reward.

That said, hearing this line still makes me angry, especially in the context that I'm hearing it - where my decision to leave an emotionally abusive (and isn't this tricky to define) environment is defined as "chasing happiness in this life" and how that is not the Godly, Catholic thing to do. Thankfully, I am affirmed that my decisions for myself were right, and truthfully, the path that God has called me to. But I get angry thinking how damaging this line would be for people who are suffering and all the more trapped hearing this.

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I was known amongst my circle to like kids but never wanting my own. Vehemently not wanting any. I never hid the fact. This was also made known to my in laws and I remember my father in law saying “well then you won’t have a legacy after you die.”

I remember an incident when I was in church ministry and it was after an event. My community then and I were all in the carpark and the “guys” were bantering with the priest and somehow the topic of children came up. I was cornered into essentially “it’s your marriage vow and obligation.” I remember feeling embarrassed and awkward but also quietly outraged.

From the time I got married, the issue of children was a struggle. I remember conversations with my husband about the purpose of marriage. If it’s really just to have children then why aren’t the “holy ppl” that we know having them? Why don’t they get questioned? Why was I interrogated? We knew of a couple who was active in ministry and church leadership who got married in their late 40s/ early 50s. Clearly children were not part of the equation. If they are obligated by marriage vows then clearly their actions are self serving no? Why does the church allow that? Why haven’t they been given the “marriage vow/obligation talk?”

The struggle weighed me down. So much so that I went on my one and only ever overseas silent retreat in hopes of getting clarity and guidance. A Jesuit priest was my guide then. I never had spiritual direction before and I felt quite intimidated.  But I decided to be vulnerable and share my struggles with not wanting children.

After telling him I don’t want children and am struggling to do the right thing, he pulled out a photograph of his brother or sister I can’t remember and asked me to guess how many children he/she had. I remember it was 6 or something like that. I remember he said they are very happy and children are a blessing. He was trying to convey the beauty of a family life. Then I said something about both my husband and my own jobs are freelance and it wasn’t  a secure point to start a family. Then I remember him being quite surprised and asked why did we not have stable jobs. That would be the responsible thing to do. I remember feeling that I had been chided by a parent and felt ashamed.  This same priest also told me that my ego was very big. I felt so small when he said that but I believed it wholeheartedly that my ego/pride was what was displeasing god. I’ve been told by many people that my ego my pride is such a turn off so I felt what he said must be true and this must be God confirming it. I mean he is a priest after all right? And so I struggled and eventually I decided ok I will concede my will to do the right thing. I conceded because I must die to my selfish desire to not have children. I must decrease so that god might increase. I must deny my needs/wants in order to please god and do the right thing.

Fast forward post partum. I had moderate post partum depression. I can still remember wishing it (motherhood) never happened. I wished that I would wake up from this nightmare (post partum complications) and everything would be back to normal and that I would be my old self again. Because truly that day I lost myself. I’ve never found her since.

I’ve learnt that many “godly” people will say many “right” things but when 🤬 hits the fan they will only “pray for you”. They are excellent in leaving you in that dark lonely space where there is nothing but the sound of your own pain and cries echoing back to you.

Many of the men and indeed some women in my church circle talked about motherhood with all its glory, bliss, beauty and nobleness. They didn’t tell me it will wreck you. It will eat you alive. It will engulf you so that you forget your own identify. Nobody told me it would be suffering, tears, fears and anxiety amplified.

They speak from a lofty place and know only of their bibles and the 10 commandments. They know nothing about people’s hearts. My heart.

As I’m writing this I can see why I’ve since been reluctant to seek Spiritual Direction.

All my life I’ve been told, schooled to always do the right thing. Obedience to church teachings. Then only will I be good. Will I be rewarded. Will I be right with god. Will I be the coveted upright and righteous person the bible speaks of.  So I do as I’m told. I’m not even asking for love. Only that god might pat me on the head and tell me good girl. I’ve beaten  down my own desires, needs, questions, instincts because “I must decrease so that god might increase.” My personhood was inconsequential.

Now at midlife I ask myself

Is it any wonder  how I am not authentic/integrated?

I struggle with the disgust of pretending to be something I’m not but yet don’t know to be me because I’ve never known me.

Is it any wonder why I don’t get self care, why I doubt that I am deserving of nice things because I haven’t been good enough? Why I don’t know what I want when somebody asks me what I would like?

I struggle to de-muffle my desperate cry to be seen and cared for because my training has taught me that the right thing would be to suck it up and not trouble anyone and then offer my suffering as penance to god’s greater plans.

Is it any wonder why I hate myself?

I struggle to do enough right enough times. But always fall short.

Even now…. When posed with the question of being a religious space trauma survivor. I sometimes doubt that I am a trauma survivor because there is still a voice that says I am the problem. Because I am unwilling to die to myself therefore I struggle/fight with these dogmas. I am making excuses for my inability to conform. It’s me. Not them. But then sometimes I catch myself and realise I am no different from a sexual abuse survivor who questions if the whole thing is really her fault rather than the abuser.

It broke me, it broke my heart during one of Ann’s live IG (day 28)when she said

“I realised that the Lord was actually inviting me. He wanted me to have a say. He wanted me to desire together with him what he has planned for me”

I envied her so much to the point of hate (pls forgive me). Because I thought it was parallel that we both went for direction on the issue of children. But I was told my ego was in the way of god’s plan for me. That I am better if I abandoned myself for the Lord.

I wished so much I was held more compassionately then.

I’ve only known love to be obedience.

It is really only of late that I’ve had a glimpse of a love that is accepting. A love as Ann described one that invites and is interested in my unique voice, one that desires all of me. The gory and the glory.

I want nothing more than to rest in this love.
I want nothing more than to be free in this love.

Increasingly through trauma informed resources like Ann and others  I am connecting the dots to see why I am the way I am with the people around me and with myself.

The once locked doors in my mind and heart  are now unlocked. But the doors are still closed. I know they are unlocked. But I’m not ready to open them yet. I know that’s okay because I know He seeks me out even in my despairing.

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I don't spiral and spiritualise everything anymore

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I don't spiral and spiritualise everything anymore

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Now, I’m able to hold space for my emotions and thoughts without first going into a spiral of spritualising everything.

My husband has been very stable whenever I “freak out” over something especially if my first thought is spiritual in nature. He’ll remind me to take a step back and see it from another perspective. Many times I find these triggers rooted from my own family and it looks absolutely wrong when I take a step back!

I’m also able to see the amount of spiritual/emotional abuse there has been in my family and distance myself from it.

I’m working towards having autonomy with my whole self! a good thing for me, but my family turns on me for this very reason

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In my recent IG Live, I responded to someone who wanted to know how healing and integration has changed me and my interior journey. (You can watch the replay of that live video here: https://www.instagram.com/p/CugA4uThwtA/)

I'd like to open this question up to those of you who have been on a similar interior healing journey, becoming more integrated and more able to love yourself.

How has healing changed you and/or your interior journey?
What resources have helped you in your healing journey?

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My negative emotions needed to be "prayed away"

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My negative emotions needed to be "prayed away"

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When I was going through a low season in my life, my first thoughts was that it was a spiritual thing - that i needed to get prayed over or exorcized (yes that bad). BUT when I looked inwards, got the help i needed and tended to myself that I realised that grief and depression were a part of life!

Growing up, “negative” emotions were dismissed or the work of the devil/evil spirits. being scared, sad, angry were not things that my parents could hold space for. if ever, all these should be prayed away

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From leading ministry to being barely able to attend mass

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From leading ministry to being barely able to attend mass

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I used to be very involved in church ministries and leadership, taking every opportunity I could get to go to daily Masses all in my earnest pursuit toward sainthood (in many ways now, I can look back and see how perfection was ultimately I yearned for because I felt like the more “perfectly” I could follow all of the “rules” of Catholicism, then my path to holiness and Heaven were assured and I would be “safe.”)

My ongoing trauma triggers are actually a unique blend between physical/spiritual/emotional triggers of my past—- I had multiple instances in the past where I tried to be extra pious by doing “extreme” fasts for Lent, particularly Ash Wednesday. I remember that in college, some classmates would do juice cleanses or drink lemon water for multiple days (Ahh— I really do not recommend this without talking to a health professional first!!! I think my friends back then did do this with the watchful eye of their doctors, but I still would caution others from doing this), and so I would try to spend the whole day only eating bread and water. Given my small frame and body type, this was SO bad for me, and I ended up having different experiences of fainting in Mass or having energy/blood sugar crashes that left me limp and helpless.

The first few instances this happened, I just told myself I couldn’t fast like that anymore— I was actually more scared of disrupting Mass and being seen as an embarrassment than I was for my own health. Over time, those experiences/traumas mixed with other stressful catalysts in my life (family tension, relationship stress, career choices), and I started to get panic attacks when I would go to Mass —- my body would revolt against me for fasting even the hour before Masstimes, fearful that I’d faint again. My body was trying to protect me, but spiritually and emotionally, I felt I was being suddenly cut off from God in the Eucharist. I spent many years crying and questioning whether my developed anxiety meant that God was displeased with me, and I hated that no matter how hard I tried, Mass no longer felt like a physical safe space to me anymore. I also felt immense shame because I had to back out of all of my ministries due to the stress it was causing me and my body. I would still muster up all the energy I could to attend Masses with my family out of obligation, but those were always the hardest experiences because I withered under layers and layers of emotional danger, re-tramatization, unfair expectations, and guilt/shame.

My parents couldn’t understand the way I described anxiety or the sensation of panic attacks, and especially not when they were upset with me for other reasons. My dad could at times relate to feelings of panic, but would encourage me to distract myself or just “think about other things.” My mother would tell me to pray more rosaries in order to fall asleep or cast out the spirit of fear/the devil in the name of Jesus. These may have helped for them, but rarely helped to calm down my frazzled nervous system.

At the time, I was able to enter into therapy for the first time and also find a kind spiritual director, but much to my dismay, both left for other assignments after a few months. Even now, it is STILL difficult to find a therapist/spiritual director/ mentor who understands all these aspects of me that have been stained by trauma, and often it feels like it’s easy to blame myself and my own pride or naïveté, trying to “earn” my way to Heaven and now barely being able to sit through Masses and receive Him in the Eucharist! It’s still difficult to use words of compassion and understanding toward myself when I still wish none of those things happened.

Like you mentioned in your prompt, I sometimes will think back to how my view of God was so limited and concrete that I can’t believe I thought that He would be pleased with such extreme acts of fasting to show I “loved” Him. Sometimes I’ll try my best to describe my experiences with spiritual directors, but I find that it seems to be incredibly difficult for a priest to say, “You don’t have to go to Mass if you’re not ready,” and still assure me of God’s love.

Anyway, I’m still healing from all of this, and really trying to find those spaces where my body can learn to find rest again. My nervous system still struggles so much with hypervigilance, and a lot of my inner work has been consistently separating this from my worth and how God sees and loves me. It’s excruciatingly painful and very lonely work, but I also am reminded from time to time I’m not alone. ^^

Ahh, this has been a long reflection that honestly has wayyy more nuance, but those are my initial reflections. Thanks for the prompt :)

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For survivors of complex trauma, navigating religious spaces (both in person and virtual) can be fraught with triggers. Without an awareness or understanding that they ARE survivors of trauma, they will often get angry / upset and then think that the problem is with themselves. Eg. They are "not spiritual enough" or "not holy enough".

What's worse this thinking can often be reinforced by the spiritual resources they turn to for help.

If you have such experiences, I invite you to share your story anonymously so that others who are suffering alone and in silence know that they are not alone!