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Offering Online Classes & Programs - Life with Cancer

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Offering Online Classes & Programs - Life with Cancer

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Offering Online Classes & Programs - Life with Cancer

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Dear Life with Cancer Family, For over three decades, Life with Cancer has been here for adults and children with cancer and their families, providing state of the art holistic care at no cost. Research supports that comprehensive oncology nurse navigation, educational and fitness classes, counseling support and nutrition consults are key to a patient's [...]

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Helping Children Cope with and Adjust to Being Diagnosed with Cancer

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Helping Children Cope with and Adjust to Being Diagnosed with Cancer

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Fact Sheet Pediatric - Helping Children Cope with and Adjust to Being Diagnosed with Cancer

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Helping Teenagers Cope with and Adjust to Being Diagnosed with Cancer

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Helping Teenagers Cope with and Adjust to Being Diagnosed with Cancer

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Fact Sheet Pediatric - Helping Teenagers Cope with and Adjust to Being Diagnosed with Cancer

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MIND OVER MATTER FOR PARENTS & CURIOUS ABOUT CANCER

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MIND OVER MATTER FOR PARENTS & CURIOUS ABOUT CANCER

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When a Parent has Cancer: Talking to your child about your Cancer Diagnosis

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When a Parent has Cancer: Talking to your child about your Cancer Diagnosis

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Fact Sheet Pediatric - Talking to Your Child About Your Cancer Diagnosis, for Parents with Cancer

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Supporting a Child When their Sibling is Diagnosed with Cancer

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Supporting a Child When their Sibling is Diagnosed with Cancer

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Fact Sheet Pediatric - Supporting a Child When Their Sibling is Diagnosed with Cancer

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How can I talk to young children about a grandparent's cancer? - Child Mind Institute

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How can I talk to young children about a grandparent's cancer? - Child Mind Institute

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Ask an Expert

How can I talk to young children about a grandparent's cancer?

Answered by Clark Goldstein, PhD

Q How can I break the news of a grandmother's cancer to 10-year-old twins and their 7-year-old brother? She may start treatment soon and they may see the effects of the medication.

I'm sorry to hear of your parent's illness and wish her a speedy and full recovery. It can be challenging to figure out how to speak to your children about serious illness. I would suggest the following:

1. Try to be calm when talking to the children (or in front of them) about their grandmother's illness. It's appropriate for them to know that you are concerned and that you care about her, but getting highly emotional in front of young children can be unnecessarily confusing and scary for them.

2. Give them basic information about the disease, with an emphasis on what is being done to help their grandmother. Let them know how the treatment (or disease) might impact her physical appearance, activity level, and interactions with them.

3. Follow your children's lead. Answer questions as clearly as you can without sharing details that might be hard to understand or unnecessarily upsetting. Be honest when you are asked questions about information you don't have: It's okay to say you don't know.

4. Be prepared for your children to respond in any number of ways. Some children may seem unfazed and have nothing to say at the time. Others might become upset and/or have many questions.

5. Avoid the temptation to give them false reassurance. Remember that young children have difficulty understanding probability. Let them know that you understand how hard it is to tolerate uncertainty about what is going to happen, but it's something we have to learn to live with.

6. Let children know that whatever they are feeling is acceptable, whether they're confused, sad, angry, or indifferent. Avoid leading questions like, "Are you really sad?" and ask more general questions, such as, "How are you feeling about what we're talking about?"

7. Depending on how you think the children might react, you may wish to speak to your 10-year-olds and your 7-year-old separately.

8. Help your children support their grandmother in age-appropriate ways, with things like making cards, phone calls, and visiting when appropriate.

9. It's important to take care of yourself. Talk with friends and family to help support you during this challenging time in your life.

Dr. Clark Goldstein is a child and adolescent psychologist who specializes in the treatment of anxiety and mood disorders.

Get tips, articles, and insights about children's mental health and learning disorders.

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How can I talk to young children about a grandparent's cancer? - Child Mind Institute

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Lo sentimos, la página que usted busca no se ha podido encontrar. Puede intentar su búsqueda de nuevo o visitar la lista de temas populares. Answered by Clark Goldstein, PhD Q How can I break the news of a grandmother's cancer to 10-year-old twins and their 7-year-old brother?

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LWC Pediatric Program Flyer with bios SPANISH

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Helping Children When a Family Member Has Cancer | American Cancer Society

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Helping Children When a Family Member Has Cancer | American Cancer Society

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Helping Children When a Family Member Has Cancer | American Cancer Society

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This series of guides offers extensive information on helping children understand and deal with cancer in another family member.

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How to Talk to Your Child About Cancer in a Loved One

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How to Talk to Your Child About Cancer in a Loved One

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How to Talk to Your Child About Cancer in a Loved One

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An RN Remedies blog post by Kasey Rangan, MSN, RN, CPN It is estimated that close to 1.7 million people will be newly diagnosed with cancer in 2017. Cancer is currently the second leading cause of death. Based on these two facts, there is a good chance that someone close to your child will be diagno…

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Activities to Help Children Cope When a Family Member Has Cancer

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Activities to Help Children Cope When a Family Member Has Cancer

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Activities to Help Children Cope When a Family Member Has Cancer | Health Topics

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Information for cancer patients and families

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Browse our selection of books about Cancer here:

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Browse our selection of books about Cancer here:

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Webinar: Where to Start: Supporting Children When Someone They Love has Cancer

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Webinar: Where to Start: Supporting Children When Someone They Love has Cancer

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Where to Start: Supporting Children When Someone They Love Has Cancer

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Webinar Playlist on Mental and Emotional Wellness

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Webinar Playlist on Mental and Emotional Wellness

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For more information, check out the Digital Resource Collections from the FCPS Parent Resource Center: Colecciones de Recursos Digitales (español) • Aprendo…

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Parenting Through Challenging Times with Corinne Coppola

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How to Tell a Child About Cancer in a Grandparent - Coping Magazine

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How to Tell a Child About Cancer in a Grandparent - Coping Magazine

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by Kathleen McCue, MA, LSW, CCLS
There are many excellent resources for talking to children when a mom or dad is facing cancer. Countless websites, books, and magazine articles have addressed these issues, and the same points are identified and emphasized time and again:

Be honest with children.

Offer information at the child's developmental level.

Use the word cancer, instead of just saying that the person with cancer is sick, to help children distinguish between this illness and others he or she may encounter.

Discuss feelings and emotions as much as you discuss the facts about cancer.

Emphasize ways for children to manage their reactions to the cancer.

Prepare children for what they will see, hear, and experience.

Assure children that they didn't cause the cancer and they can't catch it.

Help children understand how their own lives will be affected by a parent's cancer.

Maintain as much of a normal routine as possible.

But what if the person with cancer is a grandparent, instead of a parent? Do the same strategies apply? The short answer is yes. However, there are some special considerations when helping a child cope with a grandparent's cancer.

It is critical that parents and grandparents work together to decide what, when, and how to tell children about a grandparent's cancer.

First, it's important to remember that the most significant relationships in a child's life are usually with his or her parents. The reason so much focus is put on helping children when a parent has cancer is we know that any challenge affecting a parent will also affect the child.

But a child's relationship with his or her grandparents is important too. It can be very confusing and disturbing for a child to hear one thing from a parent and then something conflicting from a grandparent. Therefore, it is critical that parents and grandparents work together to decide what, when, and how to tell children about a grandparent's cancer. You don't want children to be caught in the middle of a conflict or disagreement between two very important people in their lives.

Parents generally have the ultimate responsibility for and authority over their children. So, even though it may be difficult, grandparents must respect the final decisions made by the parents regarding information provided to their children.

There are many types of relationships between children and grandparents. Some children are incredibly close to their grandmothers and grandfathers. Perhaps the grandparents care for the children while their parents are at work. Or they live nearby and see their grandchildren frequently. Perhaps the grandparents are actually legal guardians for their grandchildren. For children in these types of situations, their responses will be very similar to those of a child whose parent has cancer. The stronger the relationship between grandparent and grandchild, the stronger the reactions the child will probably have, and the more support that child will need.

Sometimes the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren is not that close. Such might be the case when the grandparents live in another city or state and only see their grandchildren occasionally. However, it can be shocking to see a changed or ill grandparent, so children need to be prepared for what they will see before going for a visit.

If a parent is spending a lot of extra time caring for the grandparent with cancer, children may react negatively to the parent's absence. Children may also react to the worry and stress they perceive in their parents. Therefore, sometimes parents may need to provide a child with extra information about the situation and make sure that the child has additional support.

Even though grandparents are encouraged to follow the wishes and guidance of the parents in talking to their grandchildren about cancer, grandparents should not be put in the position of having to be dishonest with their grandchildren. What if a child asks a grandparent "Do you have cancer?" or "What's the matter with you?" and his or her parents haven't given the grandparent consent to discuss the topic with that child? The grandparent can affirm that the child has asked a very good question, and suggest that they talk to his or her parents together about it. Then, the grandparent should let the child's parents know what's coming and encourage an honest but hopeful response.

By working together, parents and grandparents can help children understand and cope well with cancer in the family while also teaching them skills for managing any challenges they may face.

Kathleen McCue is the children's program director at The Gathering Place (TouchedByCancer.org), a cancer support center in Northeast Ohio. Kathleen is the author of several books, including Someone I Love is Sick, a resource for helping very young children cope with a parent or grandparent's cancer.

This article was published in Coping® with Cancer magazine, July/August 2014.

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How to Tell a Child About Cancer in a Grandparent - Coping Magazine

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by Kathleen McCue, MA, LSW, CCLS There are many excellent resources for talking to children when a mom or dad is facing cancer. Countless websites, books, and magazine articles have addressed these issues, and the same points are identified and emphasized time and again: Be honest with children.

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When your parent has cancer: A guide for teens from the National Cancer Institute 

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When your parent has cancer: A guide for teens from the National Cancer Institute 

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Toolkit to Help Educators Support Children of Parents with Serious Illness

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Toolkit to Help Educators Support Children of Parents with Serious Illness

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When Your Child Has Cancer | American Cancer Society

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When Your Child Has Cancer | American Cancer Society

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The diagnosis of cancer in a child can be a devastating blow to parents and other family members who love that child. Cancer creates an instant crisis in the family. Here are topics such as coping with the diagnosis, dealing with financial and insurance issues, and nutrition for children with cancer.

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When Your Child Has Cancer | American Cancer Society

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The diagnosis of cancer in a child can be a devastating blow to family members who love the child. Cancer creates an instant crisis in the family. Here are topics such as coping with the diagnosis, dealing with financial and insurance issues, and nutrition for children with cancer.

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Support for Families When a Child Has Cancer

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Support for Families When a Child Has Cancer

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When a child has cancer, every member of the family needs support. Parents often feel shocked and overwhelmed following their child's cancer diagnosis. Honest and calm conversations build trust as you talk with your child and his or her siblings. Taking care of yourself during this difficult time is important; it's not selfish. As you dig deep for strength, reach out to your child's treatment team and to people in your family and community for support.

How to talk to children about cancer

As you talk with your child, begin with the knowledge that you know your child best. Your child depends on you for helpful, accurate, and truthful information. Your child will learn a lot from your tone of voice and facial expressions, so stay calm when you talk with your child.
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The age-related suggestions below may be helpful as you work with the health care team, so your child knows what to expect during treatment, copes well with procedures, and feels supported.

If your child is less than 1 year old: Comfort your baby by holding and gently touching her. Skin to skin contact is ideal. Bring familiar items from home, such as toys or a blanket. Talk or sing to your child, since the sound of your voice is soothing. Try to keep up feeding and bedtime routines as much as possible.

If your child is 1 to 2 years old: Very young children understand things they can see and touch. Toddlers like to play, so find safe ways to let your child play. Toddlers also like to start making choices, so let your child choose a sticker or a flavor of medicine when possible. Prepare your child ahead of time if something will hurt. Not doing so may cause your child to become fearful and anxious.

If your child is 3 to 5 years old: To help your child understand his treatment better, ask the doctor if he can touch the models, machines, or supplies (tubes, bandages, or ports) ahead of time. If a procedure will hurt, prepare your child in advance. You can help to distract your child by reading a story or giving her a stuffed animal to hold.

If your child is 6 to 12 years old: School-aged children understand that medicines and treatment help them get better. They are able to cooperate with treatment but want to know what to expect. Children this age often have many questions, so be ready to answer them or to find the answers together. Relationships are important, so help your child to stay in touch with friends and family.

If your child is a teenager: Teens often focus on how cancer changes their lives-their friendships, their appearance, and their activities. They may be scared and angry about how cancer has isolated them from their friends. Look for ways to help your teen stay connected to friends. Give your teen some of the space and freedom he had before treatment and include him in treatment decisions.

Information to help you choose a hospital and learn more about your child's treatment plan is included in the Diagnosis section of our childhood cancer guide for parents.

Tips for parents of a child with cancer

Talk with your child's health care team to get your questions answered. You may also find the suggestions below helpful:

Who should tell my child?
Many parents receive their child's diagnosis from the doctor at the same time that their child learns of it. However, if you choose to be the one to tell your child, the doctor or nurse can help you decide what to say and how to answer her questions.

When should my child be told?
Your child should be told as soon as possible. This will help build trust between you and your child. It does not mean that your child needs to hear everything all at once.

What should I tell my child?
The information you share with your child depends on his age and what he can understand. Children of all ages need clear, simple information that makes sense to them. As much as possible, help him know what to expect by using ideas and words that he understands. Tell your child how treatment will make him feel and when something will hurt. Explain that strong medicine and treatments have helped other children.

How much should I tell my child?
Help your child to understand the basic facts about the illness, the treatment, and what to expect. It may be hard for many children to process too many details or information given too far in advance. Start with small amounts of information that your child can understand. Children often use their imaginations to make up answers to unanswered questions and may fear the worst. Answering questions honestly and having ongoing conversations can help your child. Telling untruths can cause your child to distrust you or people on their health care team.

How might my child react?
Each child is different. Some worry. Others get upset or become quiet, afraid, or defiant. Some express their feelings in words, others in actions. Some children regress to behaviors they had when they were younger. These are normal reactions to changes in life as they know it. Their schedule, the way they look and feel, and their friendships may all be changing. Expect that some days will be rough, and others will be easier. Tell your child, and find ways to show her, that you will always be there for her.

What can I do to help my child cope?
Children take cues from their parents, so being calm and hopeful can help your child. Show your love. Think about how your child and family have handled difficult times in the past. Some children feel better after talking. Others prefer to draw, write, play games, or listen to music.

How to explain cancer

Talk with your child's health care team about how to answer questions your child may have. You may also find these suggestions helpful:

What is cancer?
When talking about cancer with your child, start with simple words and concepts. Explain that cancer is not contagious-it's not an illness that children catch from someone or that they can give to someone else. Young children may understand that they have a lump (tumor) that is making them sick or that their blood is not working the way it should. Parents and older children may want to read about different types of childhood cancer in the Diagnosis section of our childhood cancer guide for parents.

Why did I get cancer?
Some children think they did something bad or wrong to cause the cancer. Others wonder why they got sick. Tell your child that nothing he-or anyone else-did caused the cancer, and that doctors are working to learn more about what causes cancer in children.

You may tell your child: I don't know. Not even doctors know exactly why one child gets cancer and another doesn't. We do know that you didn't do anything wrong, you didn't catch it from someone, and it's not contagious.

Will I get better?
Being in the hospital or having many medical appointments can be scary for a child. Some children may know or have heard about a person who has died from cancer. Your child may wonder if she will get better.

You may tell your child: Cancer is a serious illness, and your doctors and nurses are giving you treatments that have helped other children. We are going to do all we can to help you get better. Let's talk with your doctor and nurse to learn more about the type of cancer you have.

How will I feel during treatment?
Your child may wonder how he may feel during treatment. Children with cancer often see others who have lost their hair or are very sick. Talk with the nurse or social worker to learn how your child's treatment may affect how your child looks and feels, and about side effects that he may have.

You may tell your child: Even when two children have the same type of cancer, what happens to one child may not happen to the other. Your doctors and I will talk with you and explain what we know. We will all work together as a team to help you feel as comfortable as possible during treatment.

Ways to help children with cancer

Cancer treatment brings many changes to a child's life and outlook. You can help your child by letting her live as normal a life as possible. Talk with the health care team to learn what to expect, as your child goes through treatment, so your child and family can prepare.
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Help your child adjust to physical changes

Children can be sensitive about how they look and how others respond to them. Here are ways to help your child:

Prepare for physical changes: If treatment will cause your child's hair to fall out, let your child pick out a fun cap, scarf, and/or wig ahead of time. Some treatments may cause changes in weight. Meeting with a registered dietitian can help your child get the nutrients her body needs to stay strong during treatment.

Side effects: Your child's nurse will talk with you and your child about supportive care. This is care that is given to manage side effects and improve your child's quality of life. Information to help lower pain, provide good nutrition, prevent infection, and manage common health problems during treatment is also in the Treatment section of our childhood cancer guide for parents.

Help your child know how to respond: Sometimes people will stare, mistake your child's gender, or ask personal questions. Talk with your child and come up with an approach that works. Your child may choose to respond or to ignore comments.

Help your child connect with friends

Your child's friendships are tested and may change during a serious illness, like cancer. Sometimes it may seem as though old friends are no longer "there for them." It may help if your child takes the first step and reaches out to friends. Children may also make new friends through this experience. Here are some steps you can take with your child:

Help your child stay in touch with friends: You can encourage or help your child connect with friends through text messages, video chats, phone calls, and/or social media.

Get tips and advice: A social worker or child-life specialist can help your child think through what they would and would not like to share with friends. If possible, and when your child is up to it, friends may be able to visit. Your child may also be able to participate in school and other activities, based on the advice of their doctor.

Help your child cope with difficult emotions

Although over time many children with cancer cope well, your child may feel anxious, sad, stressed, scared, or become withdrawn at times. Talk with your child about what she is feeling and help her find ways to cope. Your child can also meet with a child-life specialist or psychologist about feelings that don't have easy solutions or seem to be getting worse over time. These tips may help your child cope with difficult emotions:

Find ways to distract and entertain your child: Playing video games or watching movies can help your child to relax. You can also learn about other practice that can support your child during treatment, such as: art therapy, biofeedback, guided imagery, hypnosis, laughter therapy, massage therapy, meditation, music therapy, and relaxation therapy, among others. Learn more about integrative medicine practices that help children in the Resources section of our childhood cancer guide for parents.

Stay calm but do not hide your feelings: Your child can feel your emotions. If you often feel sad or anxious, talk with your doctor and child's health care team so you can manage these emotions. Yet keep in mind that if you often hide your feelings, your child may also hide their feelings from you.

Get help if you see emotional changes in your child: While it's normal for your child to feel down or sad at times, if these feelings happen on most days over a long period of time, they may be signs that your child needs extra support. Meeting with your child's nurse, child-life specialist, and/or psychologist can help your child learn how to manage stress, and they can assess your child for mental health conditions such as an anxiety disorder and depression.

Help your child adjust to a new normal

Your child may spend more time in the hospital and at home, during treatment. Here are ways to help your child cope with periods of isolation and time away from friends.

Hospital stays: Being in the hospital can especially difficult for children. It's a different setting, with new people and routines, large machines, and sometimes painful procedures.

Bring in comfort items. Let your child choose favorite things from home, such as photos, games, and music. These items can comfort children and help them to relax.

Visit game rooms, playrooms, and teen rooms. Many hospitals have places where patients can play, relax, and spend time with other patients. These rooms often have toys, games, crafts, music, and computers. Encourage your child to take part in social events and activities that are offered at the hospital.

Isolation at home: While your child is receiving treatment, she may need to stay at home for extended periods of time, due to the side effects of cancer treatment such as fatigue, risk of infection, pain, and gastrointestinal complications, for example.

Decorate your child's room. Posters, pictures, and other decorations may brighten the room and help cheer up your child. Window markers are a fun way to decorate. Check to see if any items should be removed from your child's room, since there are sometimes medical restrictions.

Explore new activities. If sports are off-limits, learn about other activities that can help your child stay active and have fun. Your child may also enjoy listening to music, reading, playing games, or writing. Some children with cancer discover new skills and interests they never knew they had.

Missing school: While some children with cancer are able to attend school, many need to take a leave of absence for short or long periods of time. Here are ways to get the academic support your child needs during this time:

Meet with your child's doctor to learn more about how treatment may affect your child's energy level and ability to keep up with schoolwork. Ask the doctor to write a letter to your child's teachers that describes your child's medical situation, limitations, and how much time your child is likely to miss.

Keep your child's teachers updated. Tell your child's teachers and principal about your child's medical situation. Share the letter from your child's doctor. Learn what schoolwork your child will miss and about ways for your child to keep up, as they are able.

Learn about assistance from the hospital and your child's school. Hospitals have education coordinators or nurses who can talk with you about academic resources and assistance for your child. You will also want to ask about an individualized education plan (IEP), also called a 504 plan, for your child.

Learn more about ways to help your child cope in the Support section of our childhood cancer guide for parents.

Coping as parents and siblings

These suggestions can help you care for yourself, your children, and your family. Parents often say that their child's diagnosis feels like a family diagnosis. Here is practical advice to help families cope and stay connected during this challenging time.
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Work to keep relationships strong

Relationships and partnerships are strained and under pressure when a child has cancer. However, marriages can also grow stronger during this time. Here's what parents said helped:

Keep lines of communication open:Talk about how you each deal best with stress. Make time to connect, even when time is limited.

Remember that no two people cope the same way: Couples often have different coping strategies. If your spouse or partner does not seem as distraught as you, it does not mean he or she is suffering any less than you are.

Make time: Even a quick call, text message, or handwritten note can go a long way in making your spouse's or child's day a better one.

Get support from family, friends, and people in your community

Research shows what you most likely already know-that help from others strengthens and encourages your child and family. Family and friends may want to assist but might not know what you need. It may help to:

Find an easy way to update family and friends: Consider posting updates and getting practical support through sites such as Caring Bridge, My Cancer Circle, MyLifeLine, or Lotsa Helping Hands. Share only what you feel comfortable sharing.

Be specific about how people can support your family: Keep a list handy of things that others can do for your family. For example, people can cook, clean, grocery shop, or drive siblings to their activities.

Join a support group: Some groups meet in person, whereas others meet online. Many parents benefit from the experiences and information shared by other parents.

Seek professional help:If you are not sleeping well or are depressed, talk with your primary care doctor or people on your child's health care team. Ask them to recommend a mental health specialist such as a psychiatrist, psychologist, counselor, or social worker.

Make time to renew your mind and body

It can be tempting to put your own needs on hold and focus solely on your sick child. However, it's essential that you make time for yourself. Doing so can also give you energy to care for your child. Here are some tips to help get you started:

Find ways to relax and lower stress:Some parents try something new, such as a yoga or deep-breathing class at the hospital. Others are refreshed by being outdoors, even for short periods. Whatever the method or place, find one that feels peaceful to you. Here are techniques you can use to relax, from a page that's helpful for both patients and parents alike.

Fill waiting time:Pick a few activities that you enjoy and can do at the hospital, such as playing a game, reading, writing, or listening to music.

Stay physically active:Plan to walk, jog, go to the gym, or follow a workout app. Exercising with a friend or family member can make it easier to keep up the routine. If it's hard to stay physically active at the hospital, try walking up and down the stairs or around the hospital or unit. Physical activity helps to lower stress and can also help you to sleep better at night.

Learn more about ways to cope and stay strong in the Support section of our childhood cancer guide for parents and in Support for Caregivers of Cancer Patients.

Support brothers and sisters

As a parent, you want to be there for all your children, yet this can be challenging when a child is being treated for cancer. You may notice that siblings are having a difficult time yet struggle to address their needs. Insights and suggestions on strategies to help siblings are shared in the video above.

Here are some more ways you can help siblings during this difficult time:

Listen to and connect with siblings:Set aside some time every day, even if it's just a few minutes, to spend with your other children. Check in and ask how they are doing, even if you do not have an easy solution to every challenge they may be facing. It's important to connect with and listen to them.

Keep siblings informed and involved: Talk with your children about their sibling's cancer and tell them what to expect during treatment. If possible, find ways to include them in hospital visits. If you are far from home, find ways to connect through video chat, text messages, and phone calls, for example.

Keep things as normal as you can: Arrange to keep siblings involved in school-related events and activities that are important to them. Ask friends and neighbors for support. Most people want to help and will appreciate being asked.

This booklet When Your Brother or Sister Has Cancer has quotes from siblings about their experiences, checklists to help siblings get support, and a section of related organizations and resources. It can be printed or viewed as a booklet, an ePub, or a Kindle book. A hard copy of the booklet can also be ordered, for no charge.

Helping your child during treatment

These suggestions can help you and your child to establish strong and effective relationships with your child's health care team.

Build strong partnerships
Give and expect to receive respect from the people on your child's health care team. Open and honest communication will also make it easier for you to ask questions, discuss options, and feel confident that your child is in good hands.

Take advantage of the many specialists who can help your child
Work with them to help your child learn about cancer, how it will be treated, prepare for tests, manage side effects, and cope.

If you get information online, make sure the source is credible
It's important to get accurate information that you understand and can use to make decisions. Share what you find with the health care team to confirm that it applies to your child.

Make sure you understand what your child's health care team tells you
Speak up when something is confusing or unclear, especially when decisions need to be made. Ask to see pictures or videos to help understand new medical information.

Keep your child's pediatrician updated
Ask for updates to be sent to your child's regular pediatrician.

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When a child has been diagnosed with cancer, parents need practical advice and information. Learn how to talk with your child and their siblings about cancer. Get answers to commonly asked questions from parents and children. Tips to help you talk with your child's doctor, during treatment, are included.

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When a Child or Adolescent is Diagnosed with Cancer: Words of Support for Parents

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When a Child or Adolescent is Diagnosed with Cancer: Words of Support for Parents

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​​By: Michael Terao, MD, FAAP & Mary Jane Hogan, MD, MPH, FAAP

If you are reading this, you are a parent or someone who cares for a child or teenager recently diagnosed with cancer. Having a child of any age diagnosed with cancer is an upsetting experience. We would like to provide you with information to help support you through this difficult time.

All feelings are valid

​ Hope is an important part of coping. But hope can mean many things. Some parents focus on hope for the day, such as hoping that their child has a good day. Some parents focus on longer-term hope, such as hope that their child will one day be cured. Hope can change during cancer treatment.

Try to find both little and big things to hope for. Focus on keeping that hope by sharing it with your child, family, friends, and your child's medical care team so that they can share their hopes with you.

​Fear. It is okay to be afraid. Many parents are afraid of what chemotherapy and other cancer treatments will do to their child. Many parents are afraid that their child's cancer will not be cured. Often parents are afraid of not knowing what will happen today or tomorrow. Cancer treatment can have likely and unlikely effects.

Please let your child's doctors or nurses know whatever you fear so that they can answer your questions about cancer treatment. This will help you and your child work through and deal with these fears. Talk to your child's doctor and medical care team about these feelings so that they can address any doubts or questions that arise.

Anger. Often parents feel angry for not being able to do more for their child during this time. Some parents are angry at family, friends, their doctors, or even God for not being able to immediately cure their child's cancer. Cancer treatment is a long and confusing journey.

Ways to relieve your anger include taking a slow, deep breath, counting slowly to ten, or taking a walk. Try talking to a friend or family member or asking your child's doctor or medical team for help.

Guilt. Some parents blame themselves for not catching the cancer sooner, or for their child having cancer. Other parents feel guilty for not being able to do more to alleviate their child's suffering. Cancer is not any person's fault. The causes of cancer are complicated. Typically, cancer is only detectable when there are enough cancer cells to cause symptoms, so it is hard to find cancer before cancer appears.

Sadness. Sadness is another normal reaction to cancer. Many parents feel sad because cancer has turned their lives upside down. The change from a child who was healthy to a child who needs cancer treatments affects the child, family and friends in different ways. Some parents have feelings of sadness for losing their previous way of living.

Discuss these feelings with your family, friends, your child's doctor, or even your own doctor. It's also important that you find ways to take care of yourself so that you can stay strong and support your child through these challenging times.

​Finding balance​

A child's cancer diagnosis affects the entire family. While caring for your child with cancer is important, you will also need to find ways to balance that care with your job, your spouse, and your other children. This is never easy.

Everyday needs. When family and friends offer to help, take them up on it. Make a list of the kinds of things that would be the most helpful, like making meals for your family, giving rides, or running routine household errands. It might also be helpful to simply sit and listen to your feelings. If friends and family can provide the help you need, please ask your doctor or social worker for resources that can help.

Relationships. Your child's cancer diagnosis can also put an incredible strain on your relationship with your significant other. Often both parents cannot go to every clinic visit or be together with their child during their hospital stays. It can become difficult to understand what the other parent is going through. This is especially true if one parent is taking on more of the daily caregiving and knows more about things like, how they like to take their medications, which medications to take and when, or even what it is like watching them go through treatment.

Help each other out by writing out questions and instructions on paper, keeping in contact throughout the day, and making important decisions together. Spend time together to talk about things as well as to enjoy each other's company. Ask your child's doctor and medical care team to provide information to both of you so you both have the support you need.

Finances. A cancer diagnosis can also be an incredible financial strain. Often a parent will have to leave their job to take care of their child. Financial difficulties can be made worse by the cost of medical care. If you find yourself having financial difficulties do not hesitate to ask your child's doctor or social worker for help. Your child's medical team may be able to find financial resources that can help.

​When you are up late worrying and researching your child's diagnosis...

It is normal for parents of children with cancer to search the internet for answers. But it's important to keep in mind that cancers in children and adolescents are different from adult cancers. You may read about a child with the same cancer as your child, but their experience may be very different. Remember, cancer statistics are based on large numbers of people and cannot say what will happen with your child.

The best way to get information about your child's cancer is to talk directly with your child's doctor. Do not be afraid to ask specific questions, such as the chances of your child being cured, or what will be done if your child's cancer doesn't get better with initial treatment.

Although not all information found on the internet will be reliable, there are sources we recommend for learning more about your child's cancer, including the links below.

More information

About Dr. Terao

Michael Terao, MD, FAAP, a member of the American Academy of Pediatrics Section on Hematolgoy/Oncology, was diagnosed with cancer at 20 years old during his sophomore year of college and underwent surgery and chemotherapy. Prior to being diagnosed with cancer his original pla​n for life was to be a high school English teacher but after his cancer experience he decided to become a pediatric hematology/oncology physician. He recently completed a pediatric hematology/oncology fellowship at St. Jude Children's Research Hospital and is now a pediatric hematology/oncology attending physician at Medstar Georgetown Hospital.

About Dr. Hogan

​ Mary-Jane Staba Hogan, MD, MPH, FAAP, is an Assistant Clinical Professor at Yale School of Medicine, Pediatric Hematology Oncology section. She contributes educational commentary about cancer and blood disorders as the American Academy of Pediatrics Section on Hematology/Oncology education committee chairperson, Benign Hematology and Cancer survivorship policy review committees, and for the editorial boards of AAP Grand Rounds, Pediatrics, and PREP Self Assessment publications.

American Academy of Pediatrics Section on Hematology and Oncology (Copyright © 2020)

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childhood cancer~ coping with cancer~ leukemia~ tumors~ cancers in children~ cancer diagnosis~ dealing with cancer~ cancer treatment plans~ treating childhood cancer~ chemo~ radiation~ surgery~ immunotherapy~ transplant~ clinical trials

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When a Child or Adolescent is Diagnosed with Cancer: Words of Support for Parents

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​​By: Michael Terao, MD, FAAP & Mary Jane Hogan, MD, MPH, FAAP If you are reading this, you are a parent or someone who cares for a child or teenager recently diagnosed with cancer. Having a child of any age diagnosed with cancer is an upsetting experience.

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How to support the parents of a child with cancer

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How to support the parents of a child with cancer

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When a child in your community is diagnosed with cancer, it's natural to want to help their family, but you might not always know how to lend a hand.

Every parent copes differently, but many parents say it is hard to hear apologies from friends or family in response to caring for a child with cancer. Instead, focus on the positive statements such as, "We are in this with you. Whatever you need, we're here."

There are many ways you can provide encouraging support and meaningful help to the family of a child facing cancer.

What can you do for the family of a child with cancer?

Bring necessities

Children with cancer may spend a few weeks in the hospital at any given time. Families and friends can help the parents of a child with cancer by bringing necessities they may not be able to get at the hospital, including:

Favorite snacks

Books, movies and magazines

Comfortable, clean clothes

Toiletries like deodorant, toothbrushes, soap or shampoo

Clean blankets or pillows

Activities for the child, like coloring books or crafts

Always ask if there's anything specific families need before you schedule a drop off. Parents may have a list of items ready.

It's important to note that visitors may not be allowed inside the hospital due to COVID‑19 safety precautions. Check to see how you can safely organize a drop off. In addition to the necessities, consider including personal notes of encouragement and support from friends and family members to let the family know they are being thought of.

Be the messenger

Parents of children with cancer tire of answering the same questions repeatedly. With permission from the parents, you can be the messenger to spread information and news. Just verify with the family what information can be shared and with whom.

Support the family at home

Just because a child is in the hospital for cancer treatment, parents' responsibilities don't stop. They may have other children to care for, may need to continue to work outside the home or simply need help caring for their home. Friends can lend a hand by:

Providing rides and helping out with other siblings

Making meals to be delivered to the house

Mowing the lawn or taking care of other household tasks

Many websites allow you to create a schedule of tasks or food drop-offs. These sites allow parents to easily communicate what they need while giving you a way to help. They enlist friends, neighbors and family, so parents don't feel overwhelmed.

What to say when a child has cancer

It can be difficult to know what to say to parents who are facing such a challenging time. First, it's important to know that parents of a child with cancer need support too and don't want to feel isolated. Even just a few quick phone calls during the week or notes throughout treatment can help parents feel supported.

The right things to say to parents of kids with cancer

It's important to avoid unsolicited advice, platitudes or saying you know how they feel - unless you've experienced what they are going through. Sometimes, when we don't know what to say we can unintentionally say something wrong. Here's a few sayings to avoid:

Everything happens for a reason.

Have you tried x treatment? I read online it helps cure cancer.

I know exactly how you feel.

I don't know how you do it. I could never handle this.

It will all be okay.

Instead, focus on expressing compassion and letting them know you are concerned and want to help. Positive things to say may include:

I want to help you. What night can I drop a dinner off for you?

I can't imagine how you must feel. I'm always here to talk if you need me.

You're handling this with so much courage and strength. You can lean on me if you need help.

I'm thinking of you.

I know someone whose child also has/had cancer. Would you like to speak with them?

Don't be afraid to ask

All families with children facing cancer need different kinds of support and love. If you are unsure how to help, you can always ask first to ensure you offer the care they truly need.

Watch our video series for more resources to help navigate a cancer diagnosis.

Provide support to parents of a child with cancer by filling in the gaps. Offer to help with household chores, bring items to the hospital or provide care to other siblings. See more tips on how to help via @Childrens.

Learn more about cancer treatment at Children's Health℠

Learn more about the Pauline Allen Gill Center for Cancer and Blood Disorders at Children's Health and how our highly trained experts help children fight cancer.

Sign Up

Stay current on the health insights that make a difference to your children. Sign up for the Children's Health newsletter and have more tips sent directly to your inbox.

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How to support the parents of a child with cancer

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When a child in your community is diagnosed with cancer, it's natural to want to help their family, but you might not always know how to lend a hand. Every parent copes differently, but many parents say it is hard to hear apologies from friends or family in response to caring for a child with cancer.

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10 ways to help a mom or dad friend with cancer

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10 ways to help a mom or dad friend with cancer

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There's never a great time for a cancer diagnosis, but it can be especially tough when you have young children at home. It's a life-altering diagnosis at a time when things are already a whirlwind, and parents with cancer need all the help they can get.

So how do you support a friend or someone you care about with cancer, particularly when they have young kids at home? Meal trains, child care and just showing up can go a long way. Here are 10 things you can do to help someone with cancer.

1. Be proactive

Don't wait for the parent to ask you for help, says Ishwaria Subbiah, assistant professor in palliative care at the University of Texas MD Anderson Cancer Center. They might be embarrassed to admit they're struggling or feel weird asking others to do things for them. Instead, she recommends reaching out to them or their partner to ask directly what you can do to lighten their load.

Rather than saying, "Please let me know what I can do" or "I'm here if you need me," try asking specific questions that assume they could use help like "What is one thing I can do for you today?" or "If I made you some freezer meals, what types of foods would you be able to eat?" If you're out running errands, ask what you could pick up for them. And if you're taking your own children to the park, offer to swing by and pick up their kids, too.

If they say no, respect their decision, Subbiah says, but don't be afraid to try again in the future.

2. Organize the helpers

There might be a lot of people who offer to help, and figuring out who should do what and when can be a big job. Usually a partner, close friend or relative steps in to organize the helpers. But if no one is stepping up, volunteer to do the job.

When Michigan mom Jamie Kastelic was going through breast cancer treatment in her early 30s, her mom and husband largely filled the role of managing offers to help.

"You know, you're sick, and there are so many things going through your mind at that point," Kastelic says.

Having someone else take on the role of coordinator helped free her up to focus on her treatment and her kids.

In addition to coordinating things like meal trains and child pickups, designated organizers can also help by posting updates on how things are going via sites like CaringBridge or Lotsa Helping Hands, sparing the family from having to have the same conversations over and over again.

3. Protect the routine

A cancer diagnosis is a huge change, but you can help minimize the disruption by finding out the family's routine and doing what you can to protect it as much as possible.

For example, you could offer to sit with the parent during treatment so their partner can pick up the kids at the normal time or attend soccer matches. Or you could offer to bring the kids to their regular activities, like church or Boy Scouts, so they don't miss out on the things they enjoy doing.

"When you make treatment easier on the kids, you make it easier on the parents," says Sara Olsher, a mom and cancer survivor in Santa Rosa, California, as well as the founder of Mighty + Bright.

Olsher says she had breast cancer when she was 34. Her daughter was 6 years old, and she appreciated when others helped with regular pickups and drop-offs to keep things as normal as possible for her daughter.

4. Take care of daily life tasks

It takes a lot to keep a household running. Taking on some of the small household tasks - like meals or mowing - can free families up to focus on treatment or spending quality time together.

"I was too sick and often too tired to prepare home-cooked meals for my daughter," says Alexea Gaffney, a physician and breast cancer survivor in Stony Brook, New York. "[Meal trains] took something off of the huge list of tasks that had to be done around our home... It was so nice to have one less thing to do and eat healthy and delicious meals specially prepared for us."

Some examples of things you can offer to handle around the house include:

5. Watch the kids

Cancer treatment can leave parents with little energy to keep up with busy kids. Offering to help watch the kids so the parent can nap or have a day to themselves can be a great way to support them, Subbiah says.

Just be sure to watch kids on their terms, not yours. While some families might prefer you pick up the kids and take them to the zoo or to your house for a play date, others might want to keep them closer to home.

When Kastelic got her cancer diagnosis at age 33, she was worried that her cancer would keep her from watching her kids grow up. So when people offered to watch her children, she preferred they watch them at her house.

"I wanted to be able to spend as much time with my kids as possible," she says.

Before suggesting a location to watch the children, she recommends asking the family what their preference would be.

A great time to watch the children is during doctor's appointments, according to Kastelic. During the first few months especially, she says, she had to go to the hospital at least once a week, often with her toddler in tow. She says that having someone help watch her rambunctious son during the appointments would have been a huge help.

6. Raise money

Medical bills associated with cancer treatment can really stack up, even when families have medical insurance. Two in five cancer patients with private insurance and a quarter of those with public insurance (like Medicaid or Medicare) still spend more than 20% of their income on health care, according to Ryan Nipp, a physician at the Massachusetts General Hospital Cancer Center who presented the information at the 2018 American Society of Clinical Oncology Annual Meeting.

Between the co-pays, prescriptions and lost wages, some families might need a little extra support to make ends meet financially, and that can be really stressful for them, Subbiah says. Hosting a fundraiser or creating a GoFundMe site (with their permission, of course) won't take away all the stress they might be feeling, but it could help, she says.

7. Offer to chauffeur

Young families often have busy schedules, and an extra set of wheels can sometimes be as helpful as another pair of hands.

"Parents of my daughter's best friend picked her up and dropped her home from school every day," Gaffney says. "This was a treat for my daughter who got to ride to school with her friend, and it didn't significantly change a schedule she had grown accustomed to."

For Joe Bakhmoutski - a dad in Melbourne, Australia, who had cancer when his son was just 3 - the most helpful thing anyone did for him was offer to drive him to and from the hospital and stay with him during appointments.

"The only person to offer this was a friend whose wife died from cancer, and he knew how crucial that is," Bakhmoutski says.

8. Include them

Show up for the hard things. Celebrate successes. Continue to invite them to things even if you don't think they'll be able to make it.

"Cancer and its treatment can be alienating for so many reasons, so I was so grateful when people continued to extend invites to us or ask to come over and hang," Gaffney says. "Even when I couldn't get out, it was so nice and thoughtful of friends to bring their children to our home so the kids could play in the house or back yard while they supervised, allowing me to relax and enjoy the company of a friend."

9. Think of the small things

Sometimes it's not the big gestures that will make the biggest impact, but the small ones. Olsher's friends, for example, brought her lemon candies to help with the bad taste in her mouth from chemo and paid for her to get her hair cut short before it fell out. Kastelic's friends bought and wrapped a bunch of presents for her children so that they could have something exciting and new when things got hard. At Subbiah's clinic, they make a point of celebrating birthdays.

"Everyone on the team wishes them [a happy birthday], and we find ways for them to celebrate, whether it's a cake from the cafeteria or whatever it may be," Subbiah says.

They do the same for the patient's family members, too, whenever they can. She says the small act can mean a lot to families going through cancer treatment.

10. Make it about them

Whatever you choose to do for your friend or relative, remember who you're really doing it for. While you might want updates on how they're doing or to spend some quality time with them, they might just need to rest.

"Chemo is so tiring, and I could only handle 30-to-40-minute visits," Olsher says.

Her mom helped by ensuring visitors didn't stay too long.

Pay close attention to any cues they might be sending you, and don't overstay your welcome. If you're dropping off a meal, don't expect to stay for a lengthy chat. And if you're offering to do laundry, maybe pick it up rather than do it at their home.

But perhaps most importantly, put their needs first.

"Most people offer [to] help on their terms: 'Can we bring a casserole? Mow your lawn?' - that sort of thing," Bakhmoutski says. "But what helped was the few people who asked, 'What can I do for you right now?' It made it about us, not them."

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10 ways to help a mom or dad friend with cancer

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There's never a great time for a cancer diagnosis, but it can be especially tough when you have young children at home. It's a life-altering diagnosis at a time when things are already a whirlwind, and parents with cancer need all the help they can get.

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The Best (and Worst) Ways to Support a Friend with Cancer

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The Best (and Worst) Ways to Support a Friend with Cancer

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How to be Supportive and Compassionate to Someone with Cancer

Finding out a loved one has cancer can be distressing, sad, even devastating. It can leave you wondering what you can do to help. Remember that there's no rule book when it comes to supporting your friend through cancer. Consider your unique relationship and try to help in ways that your friend will understand and appreciate. You might feel a little uncomfortable at first, maybe even scared, but it's important to treat the person the same way you treated them before the diagnosis. And, it's important to fight through your own uncertainty in order to be there for your friend.

No matter how you communicate, whether it's in person, phone, email, card or text, what you say (and how you say it!) is so important. Here are some do's and don'ts when it comes to choosing your words.

Helpful Things to Say to a Person with Cancer

Don't be afraid to talk with your friend who has cancer, even if you're not quite sure what to say. Just being there and saying something is better than nothing. Here are some good options.

"I don't know exactly what to say, but please know how much I care."

"What can I do for you?"

"I'm always here if you ever want to talk."

"I'm so sorry this happened to you."

Use humor, but only if you know it will be received positively. Take your friend's lead to gauge when and where humor of any kind is appropriate. After all, laughter is one of the best medicines.

No words, just listen. Sometimes your ears are all your friend needs.

Unhelpful Things to Say to a Person with Cancer

Of course you would never want to hurt your friend's feelings, but sometimes you might say something that you don't even realize is offensive or insensitive. Here are some general phrases to avoid.

"I know exactly how you feel." Even if you've experienced cancer yourself, you don't know exactly how your friend is feeling, so don't pretend you do. This can make the person feel that their situation is not that big of a deal, when to them, it's the biggest deal in the world.

"When (fill in the blank) had cancer, (fill in the blank) happened." The last thing a person with cancer wants to hear is every Dick and Jane's cancer story. You might think you're being helpful or hopeful, but you never know how a person with cancer is going to internalize your well-intentioned anecdotes.

"You're so brave" or "You're so strong." You might think this is an encouraging thing to say to a friend with cancer, and maybe in some cases it is. However, telling someone they are brave and strong might put pressure on them that they can't always handle. While a person with cancer might be strong most days, some days they won't be, and that's ok.

"You look different." Or even jokingly saying something like, "Well at least you're losing weight!" Chances are, your friend with cancer is well aware of how they look, and weight loss (or gain) is not going to be looked at positively. They realize the changes in their appearance because not only do they see them, they feel them.

"I'm sure you'll be fine." Again, this might sound like an encouraging, hopeful thing to say, but telling a person with cancer that they'll be fine, or telling them not to worry, can be construed as making light of a serious situation. It also instills a misguided sense of certainty during a very uncertain time. A person with cancer should be allowed to experience feelings like fear and uncertainty, as unpleasant as they may be.

Questions or statements regarding time. When a good friend or close family member has cancer, the topic of death might come up, and that's ok. Just make sure you follow the person with cancer's lead and ask questions that are appropriate to the conversation.

Actions Speak Louder than Words

Saying "Call me if you need help" or "Let me know if you need anything" are, of course, perfectly acceptable things to say to a loved one with cancer. However, sometimes, if you really want to help, the best way is to just do something. Suggest helping with specific, practical things that your friend might not be able to do, just don't be too forceful if your friend doesn't take you up on your offer. Remember, nothing is too small or too insignificant. Here are some suggestions.

Prepare a care package with books, magazines, movies, healthy snacks, flowers, comfy pajamas, or anything else that might brighten your friend's day.

Offer to run errands, clean the house, pick up medications and/or shop for groceries.

Offer to drive to and from doctor appointments.

Assist with childcare - even just taking the kids out for an afternoon will go a long way in helping a friend with cancer. Be prepared for the children to ask questions about cancer, or what their parent is going through. It's best to take on a calm, but honest tone. It's OK to express your own feelings; doing so might help the children express theirs.

Organize a phone chain or meal drop off schedule so others can help in a meaningful way. Sometimes having a care team can make all the difference. Consider online calendar programs that can be built quickly and shared easily with an entire group of helpers.

Simply stay in touch. Send frequent notes, texts, calls, but make them brief and light. Let your friend know you're thinking of them. If you say you're going to do something, follow through. Simply being there, and being available, means a lot.

Caring for the Caregiver

A caregiver is defined as the person who most often cares for the person with cancer, and doesn't get paid to do so. Many times a caregiver will be a person's spouse, parent, child or another friend. So, not only is the caregiver dealing with the physical and time-consuming demands of caring for a person with cancer, but they're also dealing with the emotional stress of caring for someone they love who is going through a very difficult time. Needless to say, the caregiver might need a break. Consider asking the caregiver if you can step in for an evening while they take care of their own needs. Or offer to take the caregiver out to dinner and a movie, a sporting event, or anything that takes their mind off of their duties for a while. The caregiver will be thankful, and the person with cancer will be thankful that someone is taking care of a person they love.

And don't forget, your loved one will still need support even after their cancer treatment is finished. Your friendship could play a huge role in allowing your friend to discover and maintain a new sense of normal in survivorship.

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The Best (and Worst) Ways to Support a Friend with Cancer

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Finding out a loved one has cancer can be distressing, sad, even devastating. It can leave you wondering what you can do to help. Remember that there's no rule book when it comes to supporting your friend through cancer. Consider your unique relationship and try to help in ways that your friend will understand and appreciate.

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Talking with Children About Cancer - Dana-Farber Cancer Institute 

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Talking with Children About Cancer - Dana-Farber Cancer Institute 

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Talking with Children About Cancer - Dana-Farber Cancer Institute | Boston, MA

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It's common for parents to feel a little lost about whether, how, and when to share this information with their children. Here's what other families found helpful, and what health care professionals think are the most important aspects of these conversations regarding cancer.

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Decide Who Will Tell Your Child and When

Many parents receive their child's diagnosis from the doctor at the same time that their child learns of it. But if you want to be the one to tell your child, your child's care team can help you decide what to say and how to answer your child's questions.

Tell children as early as possible. It will help build trust.

When you first talk with your child, consider asking another person to be with you. This person might be another family member or trusted friend who can provide support. It could also be a doctor, nurse, child life specialist, or social worker who can help describe cancer in more detail.

How to Explain Cancer to a Child

Most children and teens have the same basic questions:

What is cancer?

Why did I get it?

Will I get better?

What's going to happen?

When can we go home?

What about school?

Children need information to manage treatments or procedures, cope with feelings, and have some control over their situation. Most of all, they need to know they are loved, supported, and surrounded by people who care about them.

Trust your instincts. You know your child better than anyone else. You know the best way to tell them. Here are some helpful tips.

Give age-appropriate information. Consider talking with a child life specialist at the cancer center. They are experts in child development. They can help you explain cancer using age-appropriate terms and help children cope based on their developmental stage. They can explain concepts using therapeutic medical play and visual aids. Social workers, psychologists, and chaplains can also provide support.

Consider carefully how much information to share at one time. It is usually a good rule of thumb to start with general "big picture" information. Try not to overload your child with too many details at once. Have several short conversations. It may be hard for many children to process too many details. You can share more information over time. Watch your child for cues. If they change the subject or start looking for distraction, they have probably received enough information at that time. Allow opportunities for their questions to also lead the conversation. Feeling safe to ask questions is a great way for them to communicate they want more information and for you to learn specifically about what.

Help your child to understand the basic facts about the illness, the treatment, and what to expect.

Explain common terms the child will hear regularly such as cancer, tumor, chemotherapy, and side effects.

Encourage your child to share feelings and ask questions. Answering your child's questions and having honest, ongoing conversations can help your child cope.

Know that children are sometimes afraid to ask questions. Watch their reactions to different situations. For example, if children seem upset when they see a child without hair, use that as an opportunity to ask them about their feelings or if they have any questions.

Affirm truths and correct misinformation. Your child may have already formed ideas about cancer based on situations seen on TV or information heard from family or friends prior to their own diagnosis. Ask your child what he or she already knows about cancer.

Offer hope. The care team is there to help them face cancer. There are many treatments available to try and make the cancer go away.

Don't forget siblings. Remember that brothers and sisters need explanations, too.

Common Reactions of Children to Cancer

Each child is different. Their reactions and how they deal with a cancer diagnosis will vary depending on their age, level of development, and personality.

Some may have a visible, obvious reaction such as crying or angry outbursts.

Others may become quiet.

Some express their feelings in words, others in actions.

Some children regress to behaviors they had when they were younger.

Every day is different. Children's schedules, the way they look and feel, and their friendships may all go through changes.

Some days will be rough. Others will be smoother.

Children will follow your lead. Try to be calm and reassuring. Find ways to tell and show your children, (including siblings) that you will always be there for them.

Common Fears and Misconceptions about Cancer

There are some common fears that many children have when they learn about cancer. Your child may be scared to talk about these concerns. You may want to bring them up yourself. Use sentence starters such as: Some children think..., Have you heard... ?

Misconception - Cancer is their fault. It is common for younger children to think that they caused the cancer by doing, saying, or thinking something "bad." Let your child know that nothing he or she did, said, or thought caused the cancer. Cancer is not a punishment.

Misconception - Cancer is contagious. Explain to your child that people cannot "catch" cancer from someone else. Give children age-appropriate facts about cancer.

Misconception - Everyone dies from cancer. You can explain that cancer is a serious illness, but millions of people survive cancer. If children know someone who has died of cancer, let them know that there are many kinds of cancer. Everyone's cancer is different and has different names and needs different kinds of medicine. You may need to repeat these points many times during your child's treatment.

As you encourage your child to share his or her feelings and questions, be open and honest about your own feelings and questions.

You can be your child's most important source of information and support.

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how to talk to your child about childhood cancer

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Many parents receive their child's diagnosis from the doctor at the same time that their child learns of it. But if you want to be the one to tell your child, your child's care team can help you decide what to say and how to answer your child's questions.

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When Your Child Has Cancer: Helping Them Understand

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When Your Child Has Cancer: Helping Them Understand

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It doesn't seem fair. Childhood should be filled with laughter, games and play. Being a kid shouldn't include things like surgery and chemotherapy. But unfortunately, childhood cancer is the reality that many families face.

Sadness, denial, grief and anger wash over parents when they learn the news of a child diagnosed with cancer. And these feelings don't just stay between the parents - it spider webs out and affects other family members, friends and the community.

Your child's cancer team

"The moment you hear cancer, you don't ever go back to normal - this is the new normal now," says pediatric oncology social worker, Taylor Buss, LISW. "But families should know they're never alone on this journey. It's OK to lean on your care team. We have resources and we're ready to help."

When someone is diagnosed with cancer, a full medical care and support team is established around the patient - and this is especially true when a child is diagnosed.

Social workers, child life specialists, psychologists, doctors and nurses all work in harmony and directly with your family and child. This group of experts have been specially trained to help a child cope with cancer. From knowing how to talk to your child about port needle access, to explaining how to sit in a chemo chair, to learning how to be comfortable with physical exams - these experts can help your child not be so afraid.

Pediatric oncologist Stacey Zahler, DO, says parents and family members should feel like they can go to their care team for advice. "There's a reason we're available 24/7 for the family," she says.

Your child has cancer, now what?

Dr. Zahler and Buss share tips for facing a childhood cancer diagnosis:

Have open and honest communication with your child - Use the word cancer and the correct terminology when you're referring to things such as surgery or radiation. You might not tell the outlook to the child, but as far as diagnosis, be as open and honest as you can about what's going on.

Kids typically know more than you think they do. They can pick up on emotions or if people around them are being secretive. Withholding information can cause feelings of betrayal. Kids can get scared if they hear things like blood work and surgery, but if you explain it to them, it will help them feel more comfortable.

Find ways to explain things in a way that your child will understand -Your care team can help you figure out how to explain things so your child will better understand what their cancer actually means. Sometimes that means using a doll or stuffed animal to explain what area of the body your child's cancer is. Experts have helped children understand a tumor by naming it and referring to it by its name. Other times, explaining to the child that their blood or bones are sick is helpful with leukemia or sarcoma diagnosis, for instance.

It's also important to speak to your child about treatment. You can explain that they'll need medicine to help them feel better, but it might make them feel pretty sick at first. A doll can also serve as a tool for explaining surgery in simple terms. Assure your child that you'll get through this together and that everyone's goal is to help them feel better.

Sometimes, treatment can change throughout a diagnosis too. That's why it's even more important to maintain open and honest communication about what's going on.

Lean on support and find your tribe - If you're struggling with how to talk to your child about their cancer, the team can be present or give you tips. You don't have to go through this alone, so lean on your team to help decide what's best. That's the whole reason they're there - to help you and your child get through this. The team can also recommend support groups and help connect you with people who are going through similar things. They can help you reach out to the community, a church or a foundation. Or they can offer advice or an ear when you need to talk.

Know that it's ok to show emotion with your child - When you're given bad news, especially about your child, it's natural to want to protect them so they don't feel upset too. You might also be tempted to put on a brave face and mask any emotion so they don't see mom or dad feeling sad.

But the truth is, it's ok to acknowledge your feelings with your child. A lot of times, parents don't want to cry so they don't scare their child, but kids are smart and can often pick up on stuff, especially big emotions. Showing your own emotions allows your kid to feel like they can share theirs too. It's also ok to say that you don't know the answer or the reasoning behind something. Assure them that you'll try to find the answer and let them know.

How to help your child understand their cancer

"Often at the beginning of the diagnosis, parents will be fearful of revealing too much information to their child," says Dr. Zahler. "But after we talk about why it's so important, they come around pretty quickly."
Older kids and cancer
"Older kids typically understand more with cancer because they've usually heard of someone else who has had it before," explains Buss. "But they'll need to learn about their cancer and why they might need different treatment."

Sometimes older kids have a hard time coping with missing out on sports, school and seeing their friends. It's not so much about the cancer itself, but the possibility of missing out on other things.

In this case, it's important to help your child understand that you know they're frustrated and validate their emotions. Tell them that you know they're upset about missing out on being with friends. But also assure them that everyone is committed to helping them get better.

It's also important to know that once a child becomes a certain age (usually seven or older) they need to consent with their treatment. Older kids should be asked about proceeding with a treatment and feel that their opinion matters.

And because childhood cancer is still rare and not well-understood, research studies might be involved in your child's care and could require an agreement from mom, dad and the child.
Younger kids and cancer
There is sometimes anxiety with younger kids diagnosed with cancer because they're struggling to understand. Sometimes they think they did something to cause their cancer or that their parents are mad at them for something. Younger kids also tend to worry about their parents not coming back for them after treatment or that they're contagious.

This is another reason why it's so important to make sure that your child knows what's going on or has some sort of idea, even if they're very young. Assure your child you'll be with them each step of the way.

"Even if it's a two-year-old undergoing chemo, the child should know, in terms they can understand, what they're going to go through and why," explains Dr. Zahler. "Otherwise it might be more difficult to get through each treatment regimen if they don't know what's happening or what to expect."

And be prepared for your child to ask questions in return. Children are naturally curious and want to know what's happening. They might ask: "Why do I have to have this done?" or "What will this feel like?" It's important to answer their questions to help them understand.

"Physically getting down to the level of the child is also important to better connect," says Dr. Zahler. "Getting down to the child's level makes it less intimidating, and allows for him or her to gain your trust more easily."

Long-term hospital stays

If your child has to stay in the hospital for a long period of time, bring items from home to help make it look more familiar and safe. Bring pictures, stuffed animals, blankets and games to make your child feel more comfortable. And encourage visits from family and friends if it's approved from your medical team.

Talk to your child's care team about programs to help ease your child's boredom or discomfort. Music, art and other therapy programs can help distract your child from what may seem like endless cancer treatment.

Survivorship

The end of treatment is usually met with a short feeling of relief, and then quickly flooded over with anxiety about remission and moving forward.

"We work with families to tell them that it's ok to have that worry, but it's not ok to live there," says Buss. "Your care team can provide resources, support groups and programs to help your child and your family move forward into survivorship."

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When Your Child Has Cancer: Helping Them Understand

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It doesn't seem fair. Childhood should be filled with laughter, games and play. Being a kid shouldn't include things like surgery and chemotherapy. But unfortunately, childhood cancer is the reality that many families face. Sadness, denial, grief and anger wash over parents when they learn the news of a child diagnosed with cancer.

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Helping Siblings of Children Diagnosed with Cancer

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Helping Siblings of Children Diagnosed with Cancer

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Hearing your child has cancer is one of the worst things a parent can hear, but it can also be difficult for siblings as well. Cancer has a ripple effect - impacting not just the person battling cancer but their loved ones as well.

If your child has recently been diagnosed with cancer, you may wonder just how much or how little you should share with your child's siblings. Are they old enough to understand? Can they handle the news? Will you unnecessarily burden them? It can be scary to share that a loved one has cancer -but especially with your children.

You may be surprised to learn that discussing your child's diagnosis with siblings as soon as possible may be beneficial.

"Children of all ages will realize pretty quickly that something is wrong," said Tracey Hawkins, a certified child life specialist at Banner Children's at Desert in Mesa, AZ. "They may even overhear someone else talking about it. Sharing this information may allow them to feel valued and help relieve fears or questions they have as well."

Hawkins shared with us some ways parents can guide conversations with their children when a sibling is diagnosed with cancer.

Talking to your child about a sibling's cancer diagnosis

Come up with a plan. Decide how much information you want to share, when is the best time to discuss it, how you'll deliver the information (i.e., together as a family, individually) and who will lead the discussion (i.e., mom, dad or the child diagnosed with cancer).

Set the tone of the conversation. Prepare your mood, demeanor and the purpose of talking with siblings. Children will feed off your behavior. It's okay to display some emotion and vulnerability with your children. This can actually show them that it's okay for them to do the same and to feel safe enough to express and share feelings.

Be open and honest (in an age-appropriate way). Everything doesn't have to be discussed all at once. Start with the basics and go from there-follow your children's lead. The important thing is letting them know they are part of the discussions, and you're open to their questions and will do your best to answer them. And if you don't know the answer, it's okay to say, "I don't know, but I'll find out the answer for us both."

Additional tips when approaching the conversation by age:

Preschool: You don't need to provide a lot of detail. Think concretely, use pretend play/doll/stuffed animals to help explain. Make it clear cancer isn't something that can be caught like a cold. Use simple, direct words and keep conversations short. You can come back and continue to discuss at another time.

School-aged: Use pretend play and keep discussions brief (follow your children's cues). You can provide more detail, but use simple and direct words, such as the name of the cancer. Remind them that cancer isn't something that can be caught like a cold.

Teens and young adults: Be open and honest. Share as much information as they seem to want to know and are comfortable with hearing. Be prepared for an emotional response during conversations or at a later time-after they've had time to process. Encourage an outlet for them to talk about or express how they're feeling whether that is journaling, art, writing, music or sports.

Give them time to process. Discussions can be fluid and change based on how information is being received by your children (i.e., if a sibling shuts down or is engaged and asks clarifying questions to better understand). It may take several conversations to help your children feel secure and part of the healing process. Remind them that you are a safe place to come to when they need to talk, ask questions and express feelings.

Ask professionals for help. If you need help before talking with your children, don't hesitate to reach out to your child's cancer care team, local community organizations or a licensed behavioral health specialist. As well, if your child is struggling with a sibling's diagnosis, your child's cancer care team is there to help.

While the word "cancer" is scary, your conversations don't have to be. Remember that it may take more than one conversation to help your children process. The important thing is that your children feel included in discussions and feel safe to ask questions.

Additional articles:

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Helping Siblings of Children Diagnosed with Cancer | Banner

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Hearing your child has cancer is one of the worst things a parent can hear, but it can also be difficult for siblings as well. Cancer has a ripple effect - impacting not just the person battling cancer but their loved ones as well.

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Activity Booklet: When Someone You Know Has Cancer

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Activity Booklet: When Someone You Know Has Cancer

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Supporting Your Child Through Their Sibling's Care

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Supporting Your Child Through Their Sibling's Care

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This information explains how you can help your child through their sibling's diagnosis and treatment.

When one of your children is sick, the whole family is affected. It can be especially hard for your other children. They may worry about their sibling, feel stressed about changes to their family's daily routine, or feel as if they're getting less attention. Helping your children may be challenging as you cope with your own emotions and responsibilities.

The information in this resource can help you begin to understand your child's feelings. It offers strategies to support you as you support your children. You may also find it helpful to ask for support from someone you and your child can depend on. You can find a list of support services in the "Resources for You and Your Family" section of this resource.

Understanding Your Child's Feelings

Every child reacts to a sibling's diagnosis differently. Here are some feelings your child may have and what you can do to help.

Sadness: Your child may feel lonely and sad. This may be because of changes in their family routine and being separated from you and their sibling during appointments or treatment. It can be helpful to do things to make your child feel special. When you remind them you're thinking about them and love them, it can help them manage these feelings.

Worry: Your child may worry about their sibling's overall health. Encourage open and honest conversations around their sibling's health. Let your child express their concerns and ask questions. This can help create an environment where they feel supported and know their questions can be answered.

Anxiety: Your child may feel anxious about what the family is going through. There may be a lot of unexpected changes to their lives and daily routine. Try to keep to their normal routine as best you can, but also prepare them for any expected changes. Explain to them how things may be different and what they may need to do in the coming weeks. This can help reduce anxiety and uncertainty about the future.

Anger: Children often express their emotions through anger. Your child can feel angry when they see their sibling getting more attention. They can be angry when you spend less time with them to focus on their sibling's medical needs. Encourage your child to talk about how they're feeling. This can help them process their anger in a health way with you or a trusted adult.

Pain: It can be hurtful for your child to see changes in their family or their sibling have side effects of treatment. They may also notice how you're reacting to their sibling's diagnosis and treatment, which can affect their own feelings. It's normal to want to avoid hard conversations with your child. But talking with them about what you're all experiencing can help them express their own feelings.

Jealousy: Your child may feel left out, or that their sibling is spending more time with you. It can be helpful to set aside some time to spend alone with each child. This way, all your children spend time alone with you and don't compete for your attention.

Guilt: Your child may feel guilty for having negative feelings towards their sibling or their family. Talk with them about the different emotions they may be feeling. Remind them that it's normal to feel them, which can help reduce their guilt.

Confusion: Children often feel confused when a sibling is sick. They may wonder why their sibling is sick and they are not. They may wonder if they'll get the same illness themselves. They may feel they had a role in causing the sibling's illness. Be sure to reassure them this is not true. Being honest and direct with your child can help them better understand what's happening and make them less confused.

Frustration: Family routines and responsibilities may change as your child starts their treatment. All family members will need to adjust to these changes. Siblings may feel frustrated with these changes and wish they can do more to help their sibling. Support your children as they adapt to change and transition. This can help them manage their frustration and feelings of uncertainty.

These feelings are normal. But there are times when getting support from a therapist or other provider can be helpful or even necessary. Watch to see if your child shows emotions that get in the way of their social, emotional, or physical well-being. They may say their head or stomach hurts. They may behave younger than their age, wetting the bed or sucking their thumb. If you have concerns or are unsure about next steps, talk with your social worker or your MSK Kids care team.

Supporting Your Child

Your child's response to their siblings' diagnosis and treatment will depend on their age and understanding of the situation. They will react to how people close to them are coping. Here are some ways you can help your child understand and cope with their sibling's diagnosis.

Be open and honest

You may want to protect your child and make them feel their sibling will be OK. But it's important to avoid lying or making a promise you can't keep. That can be even more confusing. Open and honest communication will help your child trust you. It also helps them feel less alone with their thoughts and feelings during a confusing time. It's OK to not know all the answers, and you can be honest about not knowing.

Validate their feelings

Let your child know that how they feel is OK. Help them express their feelings through art, play, or another activity. This will help them cope with their emotions. Talk with your child about how you're feeling too. Tell them that you also feel sad and scared. Explain how you cope. Your child may share that they are feeling "fine" or don't have feelings about their sibling's diagnosis at all. Keep telling your child you're here to support them.

Encourage them to ask questions and speak honestly

Your child may have questions about what their sibling is experiencing, and why they're going through this. You may feel worried about your child's reaction to talking about their sibling's diagnosis. It's important to let them know they can ask questions. Do your best to answer them honestly. Letting your child ask questions will help them feel comfortable talking with you. Answering honestly will help your child understand what's really happening. It will stop them from creating their own false ideas about this situation.Your care team can help you get ready to talk with your child.

Spend time with them

Change can make your child feel sad and alone. Try to spend some alone time with them so they feel safe and supported. Take a drive or a walk, or play a game. Your child may have their own ideas of what they'd like to do.

Ask them for help

Help your child feel involved and valued by asking them for their help. They can help you pick toys to take to the hospital for their sibling. This will also help your children stay connected if they can't be together. If possible, have your child visit their sibling in the hospital. This can help them understand what the hospital is and what happens there.

Talk to their teachers and coaches

If your child is in school, tell their teachers about their sibling's diagnosis. This can help your child feel supported there too. A teacher or counselor can help your child express their feelings during the day. You may also want to talk to members of social groups that your child is a part of, such as coaches, instructors, or religious figures. It will be difficult to adjust to change. Building a network of support will help.

Take care of yourself

The best thing you can do for your child is to take care of yourself. Identify someone you feel comfortable talking to, even if you're not sure what to say. Creating a support system for you and your family is important.

Resources for You and Your Family

MSK support

Memorial Sloan Kettering (MSK) has many resources to support you and your family. For more information about the programs listed in this section, talk with your social worker or child life specialist.

MSK Kids Support Services
www.mskcc.org/pediatrics/experience/life-pediatrics/support-services-care-teams
MSK Kids' support services and care teams can help you navigate your child's diagnosis and treatment throughout their care. They're here to help support your family and can provide help, counseling, and resources. Talk with your care team about getting support for you and for your family.

Help for caregivers
www.mskcc.org/caregivers
Taking care of yourself will help you take better care of your family. Resources and support are available to help manage the responsibilities that come with caring for a child going through treatment. For support resources and information, read A Guide for Caregivers.

Talking with Children About Cancer program
www.mskcc.org/experience/patient-support/counseling/talking-with-children
Talking with Children About Cancer is a program to help support adults receiving cancer treatment as they parent their children and teenagers. But they can also help you talk with your child about their siblings' treatment. Our social workers offer family support groups, individual and group counseling, connections to resources, and guidance for professionals in the community including school social workers, school psychologists, guidance counselors, teachers, and school staff.

More resources

Here are some resources that may help your child as their sibling gets treatment.

Helpful books

A Day with Dr. Waddle
Author: Center for Basic Cancer Research
Ages 7 to 10

Because...Someone I Love Has Cancer
Author: American Cancer Society
Ages 5 to 11

Drums, Girls & Dangerous Pie
Author: Jordan Sonnenblick
Ages 10 to 13

Oliver's Story- For "Sibs" of Kids with Cancer
Author: Michael Dodd
Ages 3 to 8

Sort of Forever
Author: Sally Warner
Ages 8 to 12

Staying Afloat
Authors: Suzanne Kornblatt, LMSW and Joanna Formont, LMHC with Arlene Basner, MA, Joan Perkell, LCSW, and Diane Silver, MA
All ages. This book is a guide for parents and siblings to use together to cope with hard feelings.

What About Me, When Brothers and Sisters Get Sick
Author: Allen Peterkin, MD
Ages 3 to 8

Community support

CancerCare
800-813-4673
www.cancercare.org
This organization provides counseling, support groups, educational workshops, publications, and financial help.

Gilda's Club
www.gildasclubnyc.org
A place where people living with cancer find social and emotional support through networking, workshops, lectures, and social activities.

Alex's Lemonade Stand
www.alexslemonade.org/childhood-cancer/for-families/supersibs
A nonprofit foundation that provides many support services for children with cancer and their families. They offer a sibling-specific program, called SuperSibs!

Sunrise Day Camp
https://sunrisedaycamp.org
A day camp for children and young adults ages 3 ½ to 16 living with cancer and their siblings.

SIBS PLACE®
516-374-3000
https://sibsplace.org
This is a free program for children ages 5 to 17 who have a parent or sibling with cancer. They offer peer support and creative arts activities.

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supporting your child through their sibling’s care

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Supporting Your Child Through Their Sibling's Care

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This information explains how you can help your child through their sibling's diagnosis and treatment. When one of your children is sick, the whole family is affected. It can be especially hard for your other children. They may worry about their sibling, feel stressed about changes to their family's daily routine, or feel as if they're getting less attention.

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One of my best friends was just diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer. She has two little kids, a loving husband, and a full-time job. I'm not sure what to do or say or how I can help.

My instinct is to jump in and start problem-solving. Does she have the best doctor? Can she really afford to take time off of work? I know she knows that this could be terminal. She is only 47 years old.

I know your close friend recently went through something similar. Please just tell me what to do.

-Scared and Sad
Dear Scared and Sad,
My friend, Susie Rinehart, would find it kind of funny that you are asking me what to do when a friend has a potentially terminal illness. Why? Because I initially handled her diagnosis so bizarrely.

Susie and I have been friends for more than 20 years. Before she found out that she had a big brainstem tumor, we'd been talking on the phone a lot about her desire to write a book. I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that in the months before her diagnosis, we'd clocked a dozen or more hours gabbing like middle schoolers in the 1980s (that is to say, endlessly on the phone, she in Colorado and I in California). I was trying to help her work out the particulars of her novel. Or of her fictionalized memoir. Or maybe it was meant to be a series of letters to her daughter. Or self-help book for young women in their 20s.

Suffice it to say, we didn't know what form the book was going to take. But we did know that Susie had an important book in her.

When she found out that she had a tumor wrapped around her brainstem-one that might not be operable and could possibly maim or kill her in as little as three months-she called me. When I didn't pick up, she left me a message explaining that they'd finally figured out why she'd been having such severe headaches for the past couple of years: It was a massive, tentacled tumor. They were interviewing surgeons. A mutual friend, himself a neurosurgeon, was helping Susie find the best of the best. It was a long road ahead.

I was not as stunned or worried as you'd think I'd be upon learning that one of my dearest friends had a serious illness. In addition to talking about the book, we'd also been talking about her headaches a lot. Two mysteries had been solved!

So instead of thinking through how one might appropriately respond to such news, I immediately called her back and left a long message:

Wow. I'm so sorry to hear that you have a tumor in your neck, but I'm so happy they've figured out what's been causing your headaches! That's so great. And I'm glad you are taking the time to find the best surgeon ever. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help. And, also, not to be Pollyannaish about the ordeal that is surely ahead, but SUSIE! THIS IS YOUR BOOK!! You are going to write a memoir about this experience!!

My husband, Mark, overheard me leave that message back to her. After I told Mark what was going on, he said something like: "She just told you that she has brain cancer, and you told her 'Congratulations! This is going to make for a great book!' Call her back right now. Maybe you can stop her from listening to that message."

In my next message, I said little more than, "I am such a dumbass."

Coincidentally, a few months later, I was having lunch with a new friend, Kelsey Crowe, who was just launching her very helpful and very funny book, There is No Good Card for This: What to Say and Do When Life is Scary, Awful, and Unfair to People You Love.

Kelsey confirmed that I had not responded at all appropriately to Susie's diagnosis. She gave me a few pointers for the next time something awful happens to someone I love. So here are a few things I've learned from both Susie and Kelsey:

1. Say something

While Kelsey admitted that what I chose to say to Susie was about the worst she'd ever heard, she was clear that saying something is always better than saying nothing. (But you might need to apologize for being a dumbass, if you are like me.)

A lot of people don't know what to say when something awful befalls a friend or colleague, and so they don't say anything at all. It's terrible for people who are going through something difficult when they feel like people are avoiding them. Here are some things Kelsey suggests:

"I am sorry you are going through this."

"I can't imagine what you are going through. What's that like for you?"

"I want you to know I am here for you if there is anything I can do."

"You don't look sick; how are you actually doing?"

"How are you feeling today?"

"I have seen you manage really tough things in the past and I know that you can get through this."

2. Offer support

Your friend's diagnosis is an opportunity for you to reach out in whatever way you can. It's an opportunity to connect, to offer love, and to show compassion. Your relationship will naturally deepen when you offer support, especially if you don't expect anything in return.

Doing something, even something small, is better than avoiding the situation or the person, which will only make them feel more alone. Delivering a casserole might seem a little retro, but keeping the kids fed and the family trains running is hard if you're not feeling well (and nothing says I love you like lasagna).

If you don't cook or can't reliably deliver things like meals, don't feel compelled to sign up for that type of support. Maybe send an inspirational poem if that's more your thing. Or perhaps you can easily drive the carpool for your friend, or be there to hold her hand during chemotherapy or treatments. Consider doing the thing that will bring you personally the most joy, or create the most connection.

3. Hold space for the scary, awful, unfairness of it all

Your friend's life may have just fallen apart. There's probably zero chance that she's not thinking about the fact that she might die, leaving her young children without a mother. Those are some really hard thoughts to be alone with all the time.

So even though our first impulse is often to cheer someone up or to offer platitudes like, "God never gives us something we can't handle" or to find a silver lining, sometimes optimism can make a sick person feel more alone and afraid. We can be hopeful that treatments will work and that everything will be okay in the end-and at the same time, we can acknowledge the scary, awful, unfair outcomes that are also a possibility. Specifically, we can hold a place for them to say the unimaginable:

"I might die."

"My children might grow up without a mother."

"Everything has fallen apart."

Because Susie encouraged me to do this with another friend who had been diagnosed with possibly-fatal cancer, I started by telling him that I was there for him if he wanted to talk about all the dark things that were going through his head. I said, "I don't believe you are going to jinx yourself if we talk about what you are most afraid of. Sometimes it can help to speak out loud about the worst-case scenarios." Those conversations were brief-like a door we barely opened and barely peeked through-but they were among the most moving and heartfelt conversations I've ever had in my life, with anyone.

Your friend is lucky to have you, Scared and Sad. Not because you're ready to jump in and start problem-solving (please don't do that), but because you can see how scary this situation is for her. You can see that her whole life has just been dumped upside down-that she's lost a lot already, and she is likely sad about it, too. Your friend is not alone in her fear or her grief, thank goodness.

Fortunately, Susie forgave me for my initial response because that's the kind of friend she is. And, also, she did write a book about her experience. It's called , and I hope you'll read it.

Warmly,
Christine
In "Dear Christine," sociologist and coach Christine Carter responds to your questions about marriage, parenting, happiness, work, family, and, well, life. Want to submit a question? Email advice@christinecarter.com.

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My Friend Has Cancer. What Should I Say?

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One of my best friends was just diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer. She has two little kids, a loving husband, and a full-time job. I'm not sure what to do or say or how I can help. My instinct is to jump in and start problem-solving. Does she have the best doctor?

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When a Friend Has Cancer (for Kids) - Nemours KidsHealth

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When a friend has cancer, you might not know what to do or say. Get some ideas in this article for kids.

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When a Loved One is Dying: Talking to Children and Death and Dying

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When a Loved One is Dying: Talking to Children and Death and Dying

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Fact Sheet Pediatric - Talking to Children About Death and Dying

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How to talk to your children about the death of a loved one

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How to talk to your children about the death of a loved one

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The death of a loved one is painful and complicated for adults, but for children facing a loss for the first time it can be as confusing as it is upsetting. Here are some ways you can support them and things you can expect as they grieve.

What are loss and grief?

Loss and grief can both have a significant effect on people psychologically. Loss is usually associated with something that could come back while grief can be something more permanent, like divorce or the death of a friend or family member. What makes working through grief following a death so difficult is the process of realization and acceptance that this person is not going to come back.

How do children grieve?

A child's reaction to the death of a loved one will vary depending on their age and previous life experiences. All children are different, and the below examples of age-related responses can be applied to children of different ages and intellectual ability.

Small children under the age of 5 years often do not understand that death is permanent and may ask if the person who has died is coming back. They may exhibit other behaviours such as clinging to their caregiver or show some regressive behaviours like wetting the bed. These behaviours are very common and will usually stop after a certain amount of time has passed.

Older children between the ages of 6 and 11 years start to understand that death is forever (though some 6-year-olds will still struggle with this concept) and may worry that other loved family members and friends will die. They may start to ask more questions and want to understand what happened. They may show their grief through anger and experience physical aches or pains.

Adolescents and young teenagers from around the age of 12 years understand that death is irreversible and happens to everyone, including themselves. They are often interested in understanding why things happen. Their reactions will vary and can include apathy, anger, extreme sadness and poor concentration.

Remember, there is no "correct" way to grieve, and no specific stages in which different emotions or behaviours should appear. Children's reactions will vary enormously depending on their age, their intellectual ability, their relationship with the person who died, how other family members are responding and the culture and society in which they live.

How do I tell my child that their loved one has died?

The most important thing is not to hide the truth and not to delay the truth. It is natural to want to protect your child, but it is best to be honest. Telling your child what happened will also increase their trust in you and help them to better cope with the loss of their loved one.

Try to find a safe and quiet place to speak to your children and think through what you are going to say. Ask the children to sit with you. If it is a young child and they have a favourite object, toy or comforter they like to carry, let them have it. Speak slowly and pause often, to give them time to understand, and to give yourself time to manage your own feelings.

Be empathetic and be honest with children of all ages, but make sure to be especially clear with young children and do not include euphemisms. Saying something like "we 'lost' someone" will further confuse a young child because they won't understand what that means. Psychologist Dr. Lisa Damour recommends the following: "It's more useful for adults to warmly and tenderly say: 'I have some very sad news to share. Your grandparent has died. That means his body stopped working, and we won't get to see him again.' It can be hard for parents to use such direct language, but it's important to be honest and transparent."

You will need to give children time to absorb this information. Young children may react by appearing not to listen. Be patient and wait for their attention. Also be prepared for younger children to ask the same questions again and again, both at this moment and over the days and weeks to come.

Check for any "magical" thinking. Some children may worry that they said or did something that caused the death. Children of all ages may feel guilty, so check to see if they feel responsible in any way.

You could ask: "Are you worried that Daddy has died because of anything you said or did?" Explain in simple terms what happened and reassure them that they are not to blame. For example: "You did nothing wrong. It was a germ that made Daddy sick and stopped him breathing. He could have caught it anywhere. There was nothing anyone could do, and nobody was to blame."

Is it okay for me to grieve in front of my child?

It's completely fine - and natural - for you to show you are sad in front of your child. Try to prepare yourself so that you don't alarm your child with your reaction, but do be honest. If you are sad and crying, tell them how you are feeling and reassure them that there is nothing wrong with showing your feelings and expressing those feelings to others. This will help children to better name, experience, and show their own feelings.

How can I help my child cope with their grief?

Mourning is an important way for children and adults to come to terms with losing a loved one. It is important for children to be involved in any way that you find appropriate and with which they feel comfortable. Mourning enables your child to accept the death of their loved one, celebrate their life and to say goodbye.

Find a way to hold a commemoration to celebrate and show how significant that person was for all of you. Find ways for your child to connect to the dead person, show their love and show the importance of that person in their life. Children may like to paint a picture, read a poem, or something they have written about that person or sing a song.

All families will have different spiritual beliefs or cultural practices. If your family is a member of a particular faith, it can be helpful to contact your spiritual leader who may support you in explaining the death, and provide comfort to both you and your children.

How can I protect my child's mental health following the death of a loved one?

Here are some important ways you can help your child feel better and protect their mental health:

Continue to provide the child with loving and consistent care from you, a parent, relative or carer, whom they trust and know well.

Infants and young children continue to feel secure and loved through loving physical contact, singing, cuddling and rocking.

Normal life routines and structure are maintained as much as is possible. Try to keep a regular pattern to the day with time for activities, such as cleaning, schoolwork, exercise and play.

If children display challenging and/or regressive behavior, try to understand it is their way of showing what they cannot verbalize, and do not punish them.

Ensure that other children in the child's life are informed through their teachers or parents about what happened, so that they can support the child on their return to school.

Remember to also take care of your own physical and mental wellbeing. You are grieving as well. It can be hard to support your children while dealing with your own feelings, which is why it is very important that you take time for yourself and take care of yourself. You cannot help your children if you are unwell. Get sufficient sleep, eat properly, exercise, take time to relax (for example through listening to music) and also have someone to whom you can turn to for emotional support. Try to avoid any harmful practices such as increased alcohol consumption.

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How to talk to your children about the death of a loved one

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The death of a loved one is painful and complicated for adults, but for children facing a loss for the first time it can be as confusing as it is upsetting. Here are some ways you can support them and things you can expect as they grieve.

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Emotional and Mental Wellness for Families

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Emotional and Mental Wellness for Families

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Join one of our groups, led by an oncology therapist, to gain valuable information and connect with others like you. Advanced Disease – Living with Advanced Disease Brain Tumor Support Group Breast Cancer Breast Cancer Support Group, ABEHC Breast Cancer Support Group, Fair Oaks Breast Cancer Support Group, Falls Church Breast Cancer Surgery Preparation Breast […]

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Life with Cancer at a Glance Fact Sheet_English Rebranded

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Life with Cancer at a Glance Fact Sheet_English Rebranded

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Life with Cancer at a Glance Fact Sheet_English Rebranded

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Sara Olsher: Mental Health Books for Kids

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Sara Olsher: Mental Health Books for Kids

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Sara is available for panels, podcasts, and keynote speaking opportunities. Topics she speaks on include parenting through cancer or other hard times, helping kids cope with transitions, and the value of visual structure.