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040917: you introduced yourself in such a flirty way and of course i reciprocated it in the same way.
"mademoiselle" that was what you referred me as and you still do sometimes. then, you started calling me as "love." and, slowly you call me with assorted term of endearments. i love them all.

070917: "no i love you and i won't let you suffer." was your first confession.

080917: i realized what i did and felt so stupid for not realizing it sooner. that day was the day you told me you would stay by my side. you would mend my walls and we would mend it together.

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after that, days passed and i realized i was missing you too much every second we don't talk to each other. i had fallen for you without knowing. i would anticipate your reply each day.

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0110917: "i don't have anything on me right now. no necklace, no ring.. i only have myself to show you, to ask you with this question. i'm not guk, i never will be, but i will be someone who'll be here for you, and only for you. if you'd give me the chance.. i'll have the whole lifetime to mend your walls, and we'll mend them together. he holds both of her hands. i've been waiting for the perfect moment, the perfect day, the perfect time. but just now seeing your smile i realize, every moment is perfect. just as long as i spend it with you. joohyun.. will you do me the honor of being my girlfriend?"

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220917: was our first disagreement? i hid something from you and it was only because i didn't knew how to tell you. we didn't start in a normal way and i wanted you to trust me because you weren't in heol yet. i didn't want you to lose your trust in me that's why it took me so long to tell you but starting from that day, i decided to tell you everything, no matter how hard it is. that day triggered you so much that you showed me your possessive and jealousy side.

did i ever mention how i find it absolutely hot to see those sides of you? i love how possessive you're to me, love. it makes me feel wanted in some ways and it reassures me that i'm not the only one afraid of losing you.

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i remembered listing all the names of my biases except for suga and you went "babe i want to just go on as someone you'll be comfortable with. i don't really care about anything else."

i decided why not be hanbin. you're quirky and sexy at the same time just like him. you perfectly suited as him.

after that, you were in such a rush to join heol. "no one can touch my girl" you said. my heart skipped a beat when i heard you said that.

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me: a a aAAh

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you will always be my jimin and i love you no matter who you are.

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230917: when you arrived, we pretended we didn't knew each other in public and it worked for a while but jiho figured everything out. she approached me and asked if i was the girl you were talking about in your dp's caption. seulgi approached me next, asking if i have something to tell her because i had your picture as my featured photo. so much for keeping it lowkey.

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011017: we decided not to hide anymore. you asked me out on a date though it was a bit explicit. however, it was the start of our pda moments in public and handwritten letters from you.

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051017: you officially asked me to be yours the second time.

i was visiting your wall to give you my daily spam when i saw your featured photo by chance. it caught me by surprise and you have no idea how happy i was to see it.

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011017: we made a promise that we will be each other's only ones.

i can't imagine you being with someone else but me even if it's at another rp. i only want you for myself and i'm absolutely glad we made that promise.

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we were marred with scars from the past and because of those scars, we started having unwanted thoughts.

for you, the thought of what i did will always play in your mind.

for me, i had a fear of being just a replacement of that person you had been longing for.

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101017: you opened up to me. finally. you told me the truth and i wasn't surprised because i knew and i could never hate you for it. i understood and i forgive you. i do hope you as well forgive me for what i had said and done in the past. you never blamed me for those monsters in your head, you continuously blame yourself instead and it hurt me to see you that way. no matter how much i told you it was never your fault. and this is me telling you again. it is not your fault. you didn't do anything wrong.

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201117: i had a breakdown. i felt so lonely suddenly because you haven't been around nor have we talk much. you give one reply then you're gone. not saying i'm mad about that but because i just missed you a lot. i missed talking to you. we used to talk to till late night when we met and i felt like we talk less and less each day. i know you're busy and i've always appreciate your efforts in going on for me. i've always appreciate the constant attention you give me but that day was just too hard for me. i just wanted to see you and i waited and waited but you never came on.

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21117: we finally had that talk. it didn't really went well. to be exact, not the way i wanted it to be. i could feel you slowly losing your grip around me. the guy who was so possessive over me, who would always whisper "you're mine, joohyun" whenever we made love, was going to let me go. it broke me even more.

gosh. i'm crying while writing this because remembering that day is painful.

you told me you're letting me go because you didn't want me to constantly wait for you. you told me i was given my rights to fall for anyone without worrying about you and hearing those words from you was like a stab to my heart. even though you said you won't be disappearing, it felt like i lost everything. i was still yours but it also felt like i wasn't because you weren't willing to fight for me anymore.

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i will always turn your offer down. always. within a heartbeat. i will reject it constantly. i only want you in my life and no one else. if i'm not hanbin's then i don't want to be anyone's.

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25th november 2017, 02:21 AM.

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081217: you surprised me by getting us our own puppy though i feel like i'm in constant competition with her since i've become the 'other cute girl' now.

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i know we tend to get a lot of fights and disagreement and we just had one few days ago. i know mostly they are from my part but it's only because i keep fearing i will lose you. i don't know how my life will be without you, hanbin.

however, i also feel that because of all the disagreements we came to understand each other more and i do hope we will continue being by each other's side for a longer time.

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happy 100th, kim hanbin. i love you. i love you with my whole heart.