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interview at smokers club next to chemistry 

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herbs that can be used in uk/ moon ritual

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herbs that can be used in uk/ moon ritual

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One of the few recepies i was researching as part of my secret society

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How many types are there in drugs?

The three categories of drugs are Class A, Class B and Class C

heroin, cocaine, ecstasy and LSD are Class A drugs.

speed, cannabis, ketamine, mephedrone and some amphetamines are Class B drugs.

anabolic steroids, GHB and some tranquilisers are Class C drugs.

When it comes to the way drugs make us feel, they were separated in a few categories:
- Depressants( or CNS - Central nervous system) : alcohol, barbiturates, anti-anxiety tranquillizers and many others
- CNS Stimulants - they have a rapid effect on the body - heart rate going up, adrenaline, sweats, etc. : cocaine, "crack" cocaine, amphetamines, and methamphetamine.
- Hallucinogens- these alter perception: LSD, ecstasy, etc
- Anaesthetics;
- Narcotic Analgesics: pain relief - opium, codeine, heroin, Demerol, Darvon, morphine, methadone, Vicodin, and Oxycontin.

Inhalants: a variety of commonly used products like- plastic cement, paint, gasoline, paint thinners, hair sprays, and various anaesthetic gases.
Depending on the types of drugs someone is trying to use, the brain is being affected differently, in most cases negatively in the long term.
From something just as simple as alcohol or cigarettes that we can find in normal shops to stronger ones like cocaine, heroin, etc.
In the long run, the body and the brain are becoming addicted to the substances and get feelings of uneasiness and anger when in withdrawal of any type.
Studies show that a multitude of people end up using different types of drugs as depressants, to help with their mental health, without realising.
The body is storing trauma from the brain, even when we maybe forget traumatic events, which results in having maybe certain days of the year when we are sad for no apparent reason and we tend to rely on.
''Regions of the brain are disrupted by drug abuse, as the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) reports that the brain stem, limbic system, and cerebral cortex are all affected. The brain stem controls life-sustaining functions, including sleeping, breathing, and heart rate, while the limbic system holds the brain’s reward circuitry and helps to control emotions and the ability to feel happiness. The cerebral cortex is considered the “thinking center” of the brain, managing problem-solving, planning, and decision-making abilities as well as helping people to process information provided by their senses. The more often drugs are used, the more they will impact brain chemicals and circuitry, which can lead to drug dependence and withdrawal symptoms when the drugs process out of the body. Drug cravings, dependence, and withdrawal symptoms, coupled with a loss of control over use, are signs of addiction.'' says the American Society of Addiction Medicine.
As part of my personal research, I started to ask people whether or not they use depressants as a form of coping mechanism.
My biggest surprise is that the most used depressant people I interacted with is not weed, alcohol or tobacco. It's Caffeine.
Caffeine increases activity in your nervous system and in small quantities, it can help you feel energised.
It is a depressant drug.
My opinion is that caffeine is so over-consumed because of a few internal and external factors.
One would be marketing since coffee is pretty much everywhere. It is very accessible, it has a great taste, it comes in different packages and in a way it represents a feeling, maybe a different one for each of us.
Another one would be accessibility and price as well as the fact that, unlike other drugs, caffeine isn't followed by the same stigma or social issues.

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by Oliver chanarin
Ghetto is a book that left a mark on my counsciousness.
I think when we talk about the mind, about mental health, about all these things that can make us better, but most of the times they make us worse if we don't know how to find peace with, they are in a way showing how lucky we are. These conversations that we are able to have, the books we can read and the things we can see. They are only possible because someone else had to struggle to understand them first, so they are a bit easier from one generation to another
Adam Broomberg and Oliver Chanarin , as editors and photographers, they started to record the inhabitants of 12 Ghettos.
They asked them the same questions.Who is in power? Are you getting you theet fixed? How did you get here? Then they follow with photography. For many of them, it was the first time being photographed and in my opinion that geneated more authentic images that really capture feelings.
A story that I found particularly interesting is the story of Olga,65.
A former nurse, she went through a traumatic experience at the age og 30, when she was asked to move a dead baby to the mortuary, she fainted because of the uneasiness she felt and the baby's body has rolled on the floor.
The story :
I am the Devil when I'm here;
I am God when I'm outside.
Midalia, 54
"It wasn't easy to convince the management and the workers at the match factory", says Dr Alberto Clavijo, ex-director of the hospital. "They all had the same reaction: 'What? Lunatics working here? The whole place will go up in flames. It's all ok now, but it was a hard-won battle."
Modesto is one of 12 out-patients who now work at the factory. When he was younger, girls were mad about him. Then at 31, his life changed. "I started to lose my memory. It was violent and sudden. When I went to bed, I heard voices from another world, satanic voices."
They told him it was paranoid schizophrenia, suffering transformed into a clinical definition. He hasn't had a family visit for nine months and 10 years ago his wife divorced him. "Last night I dreamed about her. We were at a cabaret. But she was drinking too much so I left? "Modesto, there must be something that makes you happy?" "Of course there is. I love children, and puppet shows on TV."
Olga, 65, along with some other out patients, has just spent an hour in the gym at Camaguey's sports center. We give her a photograph of herself. "I look crazy in this picture because I got annoyed and opened my eyes too much."
She slowly places her hands on her legs. "I was 30.
There was nothing wrong with me. I was working as a nurse in a pediatric hospital. One day they assigned me to take a dead baby to the mortuary. So I picked him up and took him in my arms. I could feel I wasn't going to be able to do it. He was beautiful, a little chubby boy. I walked down the corridor, trying to stay on my feet and keep my anxiety under control. I kept saying to myself, I mustn't fall. But I fainted and the baby rolled onto the floor. When I woke up, for a long, long time all I could see was that image of a dead newborn baby. Since then, I've been depressed."
Olga will tell you the clinical diagnosis ("I have manic-depressive psychosis"), yet it's not the medical terms but her story that allows her to make sense of her existence.
page 96, Ghetto

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Vulnerabiltiy, self expression and darkness

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Vulnerabiltiy, self expression and darkness

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Tim Walker -Wonderful things
The book wonderful things has been make as a major serioes of projects engaging with multiple practitioners.
I kept this book for an entire year almost, because I really enjoyed the amount of visible effort. I enjoyed seeing the make up and clothes especially and becasue of it I became very interested in surrealism.
What I really liked, is how much Tilda's interview with Tim and Jeery fits my narrative, or what my narrative started as.
My favourite quote from her was:
These pictures are a celebration of age and a celebration of difference. Tilda manifested
Edith Sitwell's striking weirdness and her belief in her weirdness. It's such a positive thing to be yourself and embrace your difference. In the words of Sitwell,
"Why not be oneself?

This book inspired me through my project from the beginning to the very end.

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How would you describe vulnerability?
Getting home at night and you have to walk on an empty street and you feel unprotected.
There’s nobody around if something happens.

Also sometimes I feel vulnerable if I have to present something, but that’s just a bit of anxiety
Also if you’re in a company where people make comments about you, you can feel vulnerable.
You can feel as well in your family

Tell me a moment when you felt vulnerable?
I remember when I was 11 or 12 years old.it was during the day, not during the night. It person, this men asked me where I’m going and he asked me where I’m going and I said I’m going to get a coffee for my mom. And he said” do you want to come with me”I said no, and he said “ come I know where to buy the best coffee” and he grabs me and my mom heard me screaming for her.

Ilanother time it was 3 or 4 years ago. I was walking home after school. This man with a bike, he was on my right side. He was asking where I live and where I go and I didn’t ask and he kept on asking. In front of my house, he got off the bike and he started walking with me.
The good thing is that we have a chip entrance in our house and I shut the door in his face

Self expression
Self expression for me is when you talk to someone and you show your purest emotions.
If you’re really happy and show it exactly how it is.something that you express in the moment.
I think some people are born to be expressive and live for self expression.

What form of self expression impressed you the most
When someone’s angry
Sometimes you don’t expect this reaction from people.
Sometimes we have a frame of how people will react and he or she surprises you with the feeling of anger.
From the tone of their voice to wherther or not they’re shouting

Would you say we all have a dark side?

Yeah, we do

How would you describe darkness?
Darkness is… it depends, it can be depression. Your mind can be full of darkness and thought and negative feelings and actions.
It can also be behaviour.some people can notice if they talk to someone, in the way they are speaking they can see something negative or not good.

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H[17:31, 24/05/2023] Mihaela: ow would you describe vulnerability?

When you want to get or achieve something but you don’t know some sort of things that are invisible and will affect your situation and even tho you are still trying really hard but for some reason you don’t achieve your goal. After some time you will get frustrated with yourself

Tell me a moment when you felt vulnerable?

2 days ago, when I was working. There was a order for take out. I was in a rush. I messed up some things and they guy there was really rude to me. In that moment I couldn’t say anything.
I was feeling like I was on the floor.
For the next 2 hours I couldn’t barely speak.

Self expression

Outfits and the way you introduce yourself to people In some sort of situations

What form of self expression impressed you the most

When a person goes beyond their comfort zone and express their feelings and emotions and ideas. And at the same time he/she is a good listener also. That can give feedbacks and reciprocate.

Would you say we all have a dark side

Yes we all have a dark side and we all try to hide it until we meet someone who is crazy like us, then we express ourselves.

How would you describe darkness?
Some unusual habits that she or he tries to hide in front of every human being

I wanna go a bit deeper into that, cause if you think about it the lgbtq community does that before getting out of the closet. Would you say that’s darkness?
No, these are not habbits. In some cultures, like Middle East, it’s very hard to expresss yourself.

Would you say society defines darkness?
Yes, some societies define darkness.
If you’d be in ceirtain countries and say you are part of lgbt, they won’t accept you and you’ll be considered an outsider. In certain areas, that’s seen as darkness.

Would you let your feelings show often?
No, not often. Because sometimes I just wanna be myself even if I’m feeling down or happy, I try to enjoy myself by being alone.
It depends if the people around me and my surroundings. If my surroundings aren’t good, I don’t share even my big achievements

Why do you think people commit crimes?

There’s several reasons.
First of all, some people are… they’re some sort of people that influence them to commit crimes and there’s others who unintentionally do some sort of crimes and some that do it for revenge.

How about serial killers

They’re psychopaths.their brain has been washed with darkness which actually influence them to kill more often.
What would you say it’s washing their brains
Have u heared of ISS ?
Yes
THose groups of people provide fake news about religion, to implant young’s people mind to kill.
Some people like to see others when they are struggling.
Some love to hurt others

What would determine a person in perfect condition to commit a crime

If someone put a huge pressure on me.
In a fight or flight, I fight.

No.
If I talk about vulnerability, I’d say darkness doesn’t influence it. It depends on the people but for the most id say they don’t influence each other.

In your opinion, is self expression helping people channel emotion better?

Yes, for the majority it’s true. For some people it’s not true. I feel like that. For myself sometimes I don’t find the right words to express myself and be myself.
But when people can express themselves in a proper way, it makes them perfect and it connects with self impression.

What is the most extreme thing you’ve done as a kid?

Once my dad was sleeping, we were for a holiday in our village. I stole the key and I started the car and bummed into the wall . The car was new and so was the wall.
He beat me with a stick and then we went to a restaurant

My father was in Saudi Arabia for 20 years, he brought these fragrances, they were very expensive.
On E day, one of our holidays, my father couldn’t find the fragrances. It was me who actually. I opened all of them, put them together and threw them away.
He beat me with a cable for it, it was very angry. After finishing the praying we went to the city again.

Where’s the darkest place you’ve been in,emotionally ?
After passing 10th standard. ( high school) I was always star kid in terms of studying and education. I got scolorships around 5 times.
I was supposed to get a grade of 5/5 but for some unfortunate reason I got 4.00 and I was in trauma for 3 to 6 months. I struggled a lot.
In our village we have soil in open places. I used to sit on soil and cry.
I got rejected from my dream collage. Because I got a poor result. It was a mental trauma actually .

Some people self harm, some people harm others when they’re in dark places, what differences do they have, as the both categories are in a dark place?

I hate those people. I don’t hurt myself, I love myself and I don’t hurt others, if I say I do something I’ll do it. I don’t like these people, I don’t know why they do that.
Some are psychopaths, some have mental issues.
Some people after relationships they try to cut themselves.
Some people find enjoyment in hurting others

Why do you think people respond so different to trauma?

It depends on their experience and mental strength.
Some people are very strong and they manage themselves very well. I don’t think I am very strong, I think I am soft.
I have been growing up in a very nice family that thought me to be nice to everyone, even our enemies.

I think there’s strength in that tho, don’t you think?
Yes, i think this is how i am. I am fascinate by string minded people But i chose to be kind above everything else

What would you say it’s a way out of darkness? Any kind of darkness ?

I try to find entairtainemet.
Engaging with people. Other thing I do, I pray a lot. I believe in God and I believe he will help me.
I believe that God helped me a lot to get out of these sort of things.
You need to find some sort of things that take you out of that dark zone

How would you say your relationship with your parents impacted who you are now?

Now my relationship with them is very strong. I can express myself now.back then I couldn’t. I can talk to them about plans.
I’m same as before. Nothing has changed.
My father used to work hard to provided us a better life. When I was in collage I wanted to do something really big to help him.
He barely had weekends for himself. He inspired me to work hard in life. My mom is very kind and even if she gets hurt she will try to keep to herself and she will continue to be the good person she is.
Kindness from mom and hard work and planning for the future from my father.

Do you ever use art as a form of expression?
No,
I never did.
Never? Dancing? Singing…
Dance!yes I do that a lot. Cooking as well, I never cooked before moving here soo..
[17:31, 24/05/2023] Mihaela: How would you describe vulnerability?

Being at high risk of being hurt and being in danger.
Trying to avoid getting hurt, trying to hurt, impact on social life, making you feel depressed

Tell me a moment when you felt vulnerable?

Self expression

I’m not good at expressing myself

What form of self expression impressed you the most

Expression trough clothes and music and hobbies
And lifestyle

N

How would you describe darkness?
Dark, empty
Hopelessness
Letting your insecurities take over

But why wouldn’t you let them show?
Because nobody talks about them,
The world is pretty dark if you’re asking me. It’s part of insecurity, people don’t want to admit they are flawed

Why do you think people commit crimes?

Some  enjoy it,Some have no other chimice, some people weren’t raised right, some people were just psychopaths.

What would determine a person in perfect condition to commit a crime

If a girl is raped and the men goes to jail, but he bailed out, the father might take justice into his own hands and kill the men.
I’d say injustice is a big reason and he might take justice into his own hands.

Do you think vulnerability is linked to darkness?
Not necessarily but I think most people that are in those places would also feel vulnerable.

In your opinion, is self expression helping people channel emotion better?
If they worked towards expressing themselves then yes, if they try to express someone they re not, it would make their insecurities worse

How is it different from one to another?

It depends how you escape the trauma as a child.The way you deal with it as a child will have an impact on how you deal with it as an adult, but possibly on a more extreme end of spectrum.

What is the most extreme thing you’ve done as a kid?

I punched a kid because he knocked a slice of pizza out of my hand
I stole my dad’s wages and hid them to give them to my mom

Where’s the darkest place you’ve been in,emotionally ?

I’m not going there
I’ll give you an example
I was hoping something will happen to me, I just didn’t have the balls to do it myself

Some people self harm, some people harm others when they’re in dark places, what differences do they have, as the both categories are in a dark place?

People that self harm often see themselves as a root of the problem and feel the need to punish themselves.
And people who hurt others, often want to punish others, thinking that if they go trough it, others should as well.

Why do you think they respond so different to trauma?

Because they have different experiences, different traumas and they see the way out of trauma in a different way.
The light at the end of the tunnel shines different colours for everybody else

The same way some people get depressed and they let depression take over their whole life while some people get depressed and decide to make a difference and turn around their life and make it for the better

What would you say it’s a way out of darkened? Any kind of darkness ?

Building up the courage to face your insecurities.
Surround yourself with the right people, who push you to become better, people you can rely on.

How would you say your relationship with your parents impacted who you are now?

My mom told me I have to be a good person and I have to treat people fairly and my dad showed me the kind of person I do not want to be.

Do you ever use art as a form of expression?
No.
I used to draw for hours in my room by myself instead of hanging out with friends.
I used to be pretty good at drawing so I thought people would like it and I would get more friends.

# data[].attributes.body
Anonymous Interview 01
[17:30, 24/05/2023] Mihaela: How would you describe vulnerability?
Getting home at night and you have to walk on an empty street and you feel unprotected.
There’s nobody around if something happens.

Also sometimes I feel vulnerable if I have to present something, but that’s just a bit of anxiety
Also if you’re in a company where people make comments about you, you can feel vulnerable.
You can feel as well in your family

Tell me a moment when you felt vulnerable?
I remember when I was 11 or 12 years old.it was during the day, not during the night. It person, this men asked me where I’m going and he asked me where I’m going and I said I’m going to get a coffee for my mom. And he said” do you want to come with me”I said no, and he said “ come I know where to buy the best coffee” and he grabs me and my mom heard me screaming for her.

Ilanother time it was 3 or 4 years ago. I was walking home after school. This man with a bike, he was on my right side. He was asking where I live and where I go and I didn’t ask and he kept on asking. In front of my house, he got off the bike and he started walking with me.
The good thing is that we have a chip entrance in our house and I shut the door in his face

Self expression
Self expression for me is when you talk to someone and you show your purest emotions.
If you’re really happy and show it exactly how it is.something that you express in the moment.
I think some people are born to be expressive and live for self expression.

What form of self expression impressed you the most
When someone’s angry
Sometimes you don’t expect this reaction from people.
Sometimes we have a frame of how people will react and he or she surprises you with the feeling of anger.
From the tone of their voice to wherther or not they’re shouting

Would you say we all have a dark side?

Yeah, we do

How would you describe darkness?
Darkness is… it depends, it can be depression. Your mind can be full of darkness and thought and negative feelings and actions.
It can also be behaviour.some people can notice if they talk to someone, in the way they are speaking they can see something negative or not good.
[17:30, 24/05/2023] Mihaela: How would you describe vulnerability?

When you want to get or achieve something but you don’t know some sort of things that are invisible and will affect your situation and even tho you are still trying really hard but for some reason you don’t achieve your goal. After some time you will get frustrated with yourself

Tell me a moment when you felt vulnerable?

2 days ago, when I was working. There was a order for take out. I was in a rush. I messed up some things and they guy there was really rude to me. In that moment I couldn’t say anything.
I was feeling like I was on the floor.
For the next 2 hours I couldn’t barely speak.

Self expression

Outfits and the way you introduce yourself to people In some sort of situations

What form of self expressi…
[17:31, 24/05/2023] Mihaela: How would you describe vulnerability?
I think it has multiple definitions
Someone might see it as a physics thing.
Maybe going out and bring at risk
It can be emotional vulnerability and opening up to others
I think to most things it’s multiple understanding of the words

Tell me a moment when you felt vulnerable?
I think, hmm…I’d say probably on a normal night out clubbing when I dress a little bit more feminin or dress in a ceirtain way, some people might not like and I have my guard up when I go out on ceirtain night

Self expression

Wearing day, things that showcase who you are without caring what other people have to say.
Even the way your personality is, is about delf expression
Your work,etc. everything is self expression

What form of self e…
[17:31, 24/05/2023] Mihaela: How would you describe vulnerability?

When you want to get or achieve something but you don’t know some sort of things that are invisible and will affect your situation and even tho you are still trying really hard but for some reason you don’t achieve your goal. After some time you will get frustrated with yourself

Tell me a moment when you felt vulnerable?

2 days ago, when I was working. There was a order for take out. I was in a rush. I messed up some things and they guy there was really rude to me. In that moment I couldn’t say anything.
I was feeling like I was on the floor.
For the next 2 hours I couldn’t barely speak.

Self expression

Outfits and the way you introduce yourself to people In some sort of situations

What form of self expression impressed you the most

When a person goes beyond their comfort zone and express their feelings and emotions and ideas. And at the same time he/she is a good listener also. That can give feedbacks and reciprocate.

Would you say we all have a dark side

Yes we all have a dark side and we all try to hide it until we meet someone who is crazy like us, then we express ourselves.

How would you describe darkness?
Some unusual habits that she or he tries to hide in front of every human being

I wanna go a bit deeper into that, cause if you think about it the lgbtq community does that before getting out of the closet. Would you say that’s darkness?
No, these are not habbits. In some cultures, like Middle East, it’s very hard to expresss yourself.

Would you say society defines darkness?
Yes, some societies define darkness.
If you’d be in ceirtain countries and say you are part of lgbt, they won’t accept you and you’ll be considered an outsider. In certain areas, that’s seen as darkness.

Would you let your feelings show often?
No, not often. Because sometimes I just wanna be myself even if I’m feeling down or happy, I try to enjoy myself by being alone.
It depends if the people around me and my surroundings. If my surroundings aren’t good, I don’t share even my big achievements

Why do you think people commit crimes?

There’s several reasons.
First of all, some people are… they’re some sort of people that influence them to commit crimes and there’s others who unintentionally do some sort of crimes and some that do it for revenge.

How about serial killers

They’re psychopaths.their brain has been washed with darkness which actually influence them to kill more often.
What would you say it’s washing their brains
Have u heared of ISS ?
Yes
THose groups of people provide fake news about religion, to implant young’s people mind to kill.
Some people like to see others when they are struggling.
Some love to hurt others

What would determine a person in perfect condition to commit a crime

If someone put a huge pressure on me.
In a fight or flight, I fight.

No.
If I talk about vulnerability, I’d say darkness doesn’t influence it. It depends on the people but for the most id say they don’t influence each other.

In your opinion, is self expression helping people channel emotion better?

Yes, for the majority it’s true. For some people it’s not true. I feel like that. For myself sometimes I don’t find the right words to express myself and be myself.
But when people can express themselves in a proper way, it makes them perfect and it connects with self impression.

What is the most extreme thing you’ve done as a kid?

Once my dad was sleeping, we were for a holiday in our village. I stole the key and I started the car and bummed into the wall . The car was new and so was the wall.
He beat me with a stick and then we went to a restaurant

My father was in Saudi Arabia for 20 years, he brought these fragrances, they were very expensive.
On E day, one of our holidays, my father couldn’t find the fragrances. It was me who actually. I opened all of them, put them together and threw them away.
He beat me with a cable for it, it was very angry. After finishing the praying we went to the city again.

Where’s the darkest place you’ve been in,emotionally ?
After passing 10th standard. ( high school) I was always star kid in terms of studying and education. I got scolorships around 5 times.
I was supposed to get a grade of 5/5 but for some unfortunate reason I got 4.00 and I was in trauma for 3 to 6 months. I struggled a lot.
In our village we have soil in open places. I used to sit on soil and cry.
I got rejected from my dream collage. Because I got a poor result. It was a mental trauma actually .

Some people self harm, some people harm others when they’re in dark places, what differences do they have, as the both categories are in a dark place?

I hate those people. I don’t hurt myself, I love myself and I don’t hurt others, if I say I do something I’ll do it. I don’t like these people, I don’t know why they do that.
Some are psychopaths, some have mental issues.
Some people after relationships they try to cut themselves.
Some people find enjoyment in hurting others

Why do you think people respond so different to trauma?

It depends on their experience and mental strength.
Some people are very strong and they manage themselves very well. I don’t think I am very strong, I think I am soft.
I have been growing up in a very nice family that thought me to be nice to everyone, even our enemies.

I think there’s strength in that tho, don’t you think?
Yes, i think this is how i am. I am fascinate by string minded people But i chose to be kind above everything else

What would you say it’s a way out of darkness? Any kind of darkness ?

I try to find entairtainemet.
Engaging with people. Other thing I do, I pray a lot. I believe in God and I believe he will help me.
I believe that God helped me a lot to get out of these sort of things.
You need to find some sort of things that take you out of that dark zone

How would you say your relationship with your parents impacted who you are now?

Now my relationship with them is very strong. I can express myself now.back then I couldn’t. I can talk to them about plans.
I’m same as before. Nothing has changed.
My father used to work hard to provided us a better life. When I was in collage I wanted to do something really big to help him.
He barely had weekends for himself. He inspired me to work hard in life. My mom is very kind and even if she gets hurt she will try to keep to herself and she will continue to be the good person she is.
Kindness from mom and hard work and planning for the future from my father.

Do you ever use art as a form of expression?
No,
I never did.
Never? Dancing? Singing…
Dance!yes I do that a lot. Cooking as well, I never cooked before moving here soo..