# data[].attributes.body
this fucking sucks
they basically removed focus from the original design, you dont even see their faces properly anymore
the uniform isnt even appealing in the slightest
its just mindless sex on TV
makes me so fucking mad

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loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss

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loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss

# data[].attributes.headline
time is the best lesson, apathy is the worst crime

# data[].attributes.subject
time is the best lesson, apathy is the worst crime

# data[].attributes.headline
every day i become more and more grateful for the patient and caring people in my life.

# data[].attributes.subject
every day i become more and more grateful for the patient and caring people in my life.

# data[].attributes.headline
im gonna be extremely honest when i say that i've been crying to these literallyme edits for the past two hours. it's 5:19 in the morning and im tasting iron.

# data[].attributes.subject
im gonna be extremely honest when i say that i've been crying to these literallyme edits for the past two hours. it's 5:19 in the morning and im tasting iron.

# data[].attributes.headline
getting a motorcycle license this summer and i cant fucking wait im gonna be honest

# data[].attributes.subject
getting a motorcycle license this summer and i cant fucking wait im gonna be honest

# data[].attributes.body
its gonna be so cool i cant fucking wait not to have to walk everywhere i can jus go on my motorcycle

# data[].attributes.headline
im all like "dawg im fighting demons" but the whole time it's just homosexual attraction

# data[].attributes.subject
im all like "dawg im fighting demons" but the whole time it's just homosexual attraction

# data[].attributes.body
im going through this terrible "im not gay" stage bc i always thought i was either straight and/or asexual but for the better part of like three weeks now I've been curling my toes at men

why do bad things happen to good people

I've always been on my best behavior, making good grades, cooking, treating everyone with respect. I've never wanted to jerk off another boy, never wanted to slowly make out with a guy sitting on my lap. Why am I like this all of a sudden? It's really confusing, right?

I'd guess that I've just been repressing it for the better part of more than a decade but I genuinely don't think I've ever questioned the whole "oh do i like men, oh does this boy make me feel xyz" thing.

# data[].attributes.body
(1)

sisyphus will always be the most relatable character in greek mythology

i think sharing my mental decline recklessly has become somewhat of a staple on this blog and therefore i might as well keep doing it. don't like it? don't interact. i think i'm just letting my mind wander.

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(2)
right now, everything is awesome when i look at it in broad strokes, i don't think I've felt this complete since. since? since. well.
just sucks that all of this is gonna be taken away from me, i think. I'll definitely miss my room, the gorgeous view, I'll miss the gym, I'll miss my art, my bed, my freedom, i think.
I'll miss it all for a different life that might be a chore in and of itself, on top of my actual chores, and i swear to you it's bad enough already. i keep complaining, complaining, complaining but that's because slowly but surely it's all coming down on me. hard.

i think i'm blinded by the idea of friends and human connection that i might get next year. god, who the fuck needs friends if you can be free. i don't want anyone if it means i'm free. what is this all changing for? my parents' marriage, go figure.
all they do, when they're together, is feed off of each other, they yell each other from time to time, they yell at me constantly. only time I've ever been somewhat mentally sound was around the two of them at once was before the age of 7, back when i still had light behind my eyes man. had good days and bad days like everyone else, but it was generally a nightmare. as a kid, i fucking hate admitting it, but i looked forward to whenever they'd have pretty bad fights and my mom would ignore my father for a while. the house would go silent, finally silent. no constant interruptions, noise, stress, noise, interruptions. peace.

NOTHING is good enough for them
NOTHING is ever ENOUGH.

i can always have better grades, do better, do more, make more, be handsome-er, be fitter, be more successful, more creative, more productive, less tired, less angry, less sad, less frustrated.

i give them the world, man, but my hands can only ever fit so much.
my mom hasn't said she was proud of me in years man.
i got mommy issues dawg.

i work like a DOG. I WORK LIKE A FUCKING DOG.
they don't care about my well-being until i lash out at someone or severely injure myself.

my parents dismiss any and every cry for help, no matter how explicitly i make it clear to them.
i shook my mother at the age of 13 begging her to do something because i was scared of myself, knowing i was going to harm myself.

she just kept telling me to man up, dawg.
be a real man, josh.

yeah mom. i see how it is.

# data[].attributes.headline
joshua foster care origin story (im basically batman) 

# data[].attributes.subject
joshua foster care origin story (im basically batman) 

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(1)
joshua — Today at 2:59 AM

idk what im gonna do once i graduate
i dont have THAT much time left

[] — Today at 3:00 AM
you will figure it out along the way

joshua — Today at 3:01 AM

>cant go to germany bc of my drug problem (complicated story)
>cant stay in spain due to inability to work (cant get a job legally)
>cant go to the states because everything costs a billion dollars (inflation) and the lawmakers want my head on a stick (queer immigrant)
WHAT TO DO
ugh

[] — Today at 3:01 AM

You are just in a very very bad spot
World sucks
There's hardly any places for someone like you

joshua — Today at 3:02 AM

i dont know if there's any at all
right now, at least

[] — Today at 3:03 AM

Let's hope for Mars

joshua — Today at 3:03 AM

man my own family is sending me into foster care

[] — Today at 3:03 AM

Duuuude wtf

joshua — Today at 3:03 AM

and the foster care mfs arent even sure if they want me

[] — Today at 3:03 AM

What did you even do

joshua  — Today at 3:04 AM

in general?

[]  — Today at 3:03 AM

Sure

joshua  — Today at 3:03 AM

its aa long story i think

[]  — Today at 3:03 AM

I'll listen

# data[].attributes.body
sitting in class like hrrcchhh mimimimi hrrchhh mimimi hrchh mimimimimi

my eyes r like.. closing n shit but im trying so hard to keep them open

# data[].attributes.body
(2)

it genuinely infuriates me
honestly
im not even gonna start talking about porn made by fans
but the actual show itself changing course SO HARD?
are you fucking kidding me?

the internet is gonna be the internet
we cant stop them
but the fucking
the fucking show changing?
so fucking upsetting
its just fanservice on fanservice, just another porn-oriented animated flick added to the pile of MILLIONS
we've seen this a million times before, people have seen abs, fishnets, tiny skirts and boobs so often and over and over again
and producers decided to boil down the plot, hell, even the FACES of the characters for the purpose of exposing stuff that nobody finds compelling at all

# data[].attributes.body
jsh — Yesterday at 10:51 PM

HAHAH I JUST REALIZED
I DIDNT DO ANY OF MY FRENCH OR MUSIC HOMEWORK
NONE OF IT
I HAVE TWO PROJECTS I WANTED TO DO THIS AFTERNOON AND NEITHER OF THEM ARE EVEN REMOTELY FINISHED
LMFAO

i havent done homework all year like
all year.

jsh — Yesterday at 10:52 PM

i have never done any of my homework assignments
I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA MAKE POSITIVE CHANGE
LOL
im actually tearing up i dont know why the fact im disappointed but not surprised is so funny to me

jsh — Yesterday at 10:53 PM

not a single assignment
and ive still been getting decent grades somehow

# data[].attributes.body
Current Grades

English Language - 100%
Competence and Social-Philanthropic Projects - 100%
Visual Arts - 100%
Physical Education - 100%
Chemistry - 100%

Ethics and Philosophy - 90%
Biology / Geology - 90%

Music - 80%
Physics - 80%

Spanish Literature - 70%

Social Studies - 60%
Maths - 60%

French: 50%

# data[].attributes.body
MY SUPER COOL (fellow) ARTIST FRIEND DREW MY AVIAN PERSONA IN AN ART TRADE
i'm still working on his drawing btw...

but essentially i'm friends with this super cool artist who draws anthro furry occasionally (contact him at crowooze#5481, i'm giving credit here), and we decided to do an art trade. he'd draw me a furry character in exchange for me humanifying one of his furry characters.

# data[].attributes.body
uuhh here's my persona. my persona is me. he's me. except his name is jonah, and my name is joshua. aside from that, we have everything in common. like, it's a self-insert.

also (disclaimer) i'm not a furry by any means, i just decided to give the whole animal-persona thing a shot for the sake of trying something new. i'm not in the fandom, i'm not interested in that kind of stuff, it's just an attempt at something i'm not familiar with and i'm super grateful for my friend uzay's help (he's so cool...)

# data[].attributes.body
here's jonah, i made u real for long enough

he's a crane (because that's my favourite animal) and the pose and outfit are ripped from an image of teenage scott moffatt (because i find him hot), but the image itself stood out to me because it was a cute white boy wearing a shirt with the brazillian flag on it. it was double neuron activation to a degree when i saw it. like? a cute white boy? my country's flag? dope. i digress.

# data[].attributes.attachment_caption
this is jonah, my super cool avian persona aauugh

# data[].attributes.body
im reading this novel and the (obviously female) author is describing sex. it gets way rougher than this or whatever but i will NEVER be able to read a passage like this without laughing. i will never be able to take this shit seriously.

He cuts me off with a kiss. The action arrests me; it is not what I have been expecting.
But then I grab him by the collar of his shirt and kiss him back. I kiss him from the bottom of my soul, I kiss him until we can feel the copper edge of sorrow. Together.

# data[].attributes.body
currently sitting in this school presentation/lecture type thing and my classmate is sitting at my desk, messing with my shit

shit i bought with my own money
i wouldn't even mind if he was a decent person, but this guy's been calling me slurs all year and now he has the fucking nerve to fidget with my pens and paintbrushes and whateverthehell while barely paying attention (not that i'm paying attention myself)

# data[].attributes.body
gonna be honest im dreading tmr
like i'll have to scratch myself out of bed at 8 in the damn morning just to go to school and come back at six p.m., to then do chores and work until 10, where i then get two hours to myself.

i don't even get them to myself dawg, i already start worrying about the next day. and the next day. it never ends bro.

ugh i'm so not in the mood to... to function tomorrow. for fuck's sake, i didn't even do anything in school today, i drew a giraffe and read two chapters out of a book i hate. notes? none. attention paid in class? none.
what the fuck am i doing with my life, anons?

# data[].attributes.headline
я пророк бога

# data[].attributes.subject
я пророк бога

# data[].attributes.body
depraved oldest brother in highschool trying to get by, i fucking work like a dog

# data[].attributes.body
>i'm josh
>spain's drunkest driver
>god's strongest prophet and soldier
>generally a trustworthy individual

i like cool cars, going to the gym, showering with other dudes and screaming at the walls in my apartment.

# data[].attributes.body
>spotify
open.spotify.com/user/ya588dqg3vop0u5g2cysf8s4d/playlists

>discord
@yeahright.youreright

>email
yeahright.youreright@gmail.com

>spacehey
spacehey.com/yeahright_youreright

# data[].attributes.body
general
late-night drives, man perfume, reading, grape soda, mobile games, learning sign language

movies n tv
american psycho, megamind, blade runner 2049, the truman show, simpsons, brooklyn 99, family guy, whatever other brainrot i can find tbh - even though im more of a video essay type guy

music
joji, reggae, canadian hip hop, hyperpop, korn, sublime, russian grunge, german rap, cello sheet covers

# data[].attributes.body
this is a link to the playlist, u should be able to listen to it on this tab and/or in browser or pc/mobile app

# data[].attributes.body
i want to smash his head with a rock and put roach eggs where his brain matter used to be
he's worthless, small and weak and feeds entirely off of the attention he gets from other guys by making jokes at people's expense

i'm sick of it mane, this guy's made fun of my difficulties communicating verbally all year and then acts like he gets to do what he wants... ugh.

# data[].attributes.headline
its like six pm and im on that faggot shit

# data[].attributes.subject
its like six pm and im on that faggot shit

# data[].attributes.body
i'm laying on my bed at 20 past midnight on a monday night listening to my old playlist.
kinda self-harm-y.

i listen to it because it makes me think of people who used to love me.
this is fucking with me, i'm pretty sure.

here's the playlist for anyone who wants to sting too

# data[].attributes.body
holding back tbh, sucks i have to keep myself from literally murdering him where he stands if i wanna keep my scholarship. he's like 5"0 too, i could literally bend him over. i'm like 5"10 and jacked, i could literally fold him bro. only reason why i haven't pushed him up yet is the fact he's always around the big beefy athletes, they could probably tag-team me if they wanted to.

# data[].attributes.body
in the context it's romantic or bittersweet or whatever but the way it's written, shit like

"Our eyes lock when he moves inside me; neither of us would dare to blink."

or

"This is what it is to be filled by love"

make me go *feral*, it will never not be hilarious to me. ain't no way people actually find this hot or romantic or whatever. it's cool and all when ur thinking it but putting it on paper gives everyone the right to make fun of you imo

# data[].attributes.body
bleeehhh i think sex is funny :P bleehh u cant make me not-make-fun of sex :p !!
romance is so gay... bro..

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(2)
// severe tw for.. anything from domestic abuse to sexual assault to drug use. not a fun rant.
// honestly I'm posting to get this shit out of my system
// i don't advise reading unless you're morbidly curious and you can stomach years of trauma

>queer (disappointment to our mormon values, was raised in the church of the latter day saints)
>suicide attempts (makes me a failure)
>got raped when i was 12 (my mom says its my fault), never tell her about any of the other shit in the same category that happened afterwards because i havent been able to tell an adult ever since
>be severely depressed (clearly im not obedient enough)
>argued with my mom from time to time because she doesnt understand that im not faking depression for attention and im actually struggling severely

i'm a "problem child" because i cant get along w my mom, and my dad wants to live with her. they both think its better if i move out, and i agree, i also want to move out. living alone with my dad is best from what ive experienced because even though i do all the housework there's no domestic issues. when it's my mom and i, she yells at me 24/7, i can barely sleep, she used to beat me and shit it was kinda bad. when we all live together, my mom is worse than she is when its just the two of us because she takes the stress from her marriage out on me, along with the fact she generally hates me for disappointing her.

when she found out she was pregnant with me she broke off law school and i have a feeling she resents me for that. along w that, she had this vision of a pretty, popular girl who'd do sports like her mom and kiss boys and go outside a ton, and growing up i was nothing like that. sure, i was a cute kid but people really hated me and i've always suffered from severe anxiety. i've barely started being able to eat in front of other people without breaking down around 2022, i've never really been interested in shit like dancing or ballet, or boys, or parties, or painting my nails.

i've always gotten good grades, though. effortlessly slid through my courses with straight As from the very beginning. she kinda held on to that fact i think.

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(3)
well, i got molested by an older teenager when i was 12 and around the same time, i started telling her i didnt want to have anything to do with the church. she blamed it on me entirely, said some pretty unforgivable shit that i couldn't really process at the time. being 12 was hell, actually. that was the year she started starving me, making me undress, doing other stuff i shouldn't graphically describe here. uhhh i completely shut down that year and tried to kill myself, naturally, but she then found a way to blame that on me too. time went by and i started smoking, drinking, taking copious amounts of sleeping pills, skipping class to go lay on the wet moss in the woods. actual problem child behavior, not just mentally ill child behavior. well, my dad ordered me into counseling, where i then explained to the counselor that im convinced that im not real and that theres a spirit who communicates with me at night. that counselor then told my parents that im fucking insane and they scolded me for lying to a professional. (which i didn't do, i still have those nightmares and intrusive thoughts.)
haven't adressed my intrusive thoughts, hallucinations or weird persistent nightmares around adults since.

well after that, my mom moved to the states and i came with her. i was still drinking and taking copious amounts of sleeping pills to knock myself unconscious and sleep in the woods. suddenly, i lost access to the woods and the pills, as i found myself in utah suburbs. my mom got less bad than she was at home with my dad. sure she'd cuss at me and hit me from time to time but it was all-around a lot less intense. also i felt like mentioning that i havent lived with both my parents in a really long time because i actively avoid staying somewhere with the two of them at once for more than three days because i've developed a fear of the domestic conflict breaking out again.

my parents have never yelled at each other, never gotten into physical altercations with each other or with my brother. it's only me.

well, my mom got better with me. the school year ended, she got her utah degree. i got molested by my best friend and out of fear for my safety, moved over to germany to live with my dad. never told my parents why i decided to ask if i can stay in europe, don't know if/when i will, honestly. but that aside, i was still struggling severely. i developed anger issues, really sensitive ones, for about six months after the incident, and my dad ended up applying me to the school i go to now - in spain. through a stroke of luck, they actually accepted me. i left all my friends behind, every city and town i knew and started over here. i've been going to the gym here, by vigo in the sanxenxo area for about 9 months. i've been getting normal grades for a year, i haven't had issues related to actively trying to kill myself in almost 1.5 years. things are getting better.

now, my mom wants to move in with my dad again. you know what that means?
terror returns. (well, shit.)
my dad knows that as much as i do, and he knows there's nothing he can do because trying to convince his wife to change her mind about anything is like talking to a wall. his solution? kicking his oldest son out of the house. but oh, where does he go? his own apartment? not yet, not yet. living with both his parents? no way, josé. foster care? that works.

foster care it is, huh.

# data[].attributes.body
joshua — Today at 3:05 AM

well essentially
my mom doesnt like me and my dad waants to live w her
so theyre kicking me out
essentially
what i did? i dont fit in with the family
and i piss off my mother
shit situation imo

[] — Today at 3:07 AM

Oh that sounds like it sucks
I'm sorry you have to deal with that

joshua — Today at 3:07 AM

its cool now man

[] — Today at 3:07 AM

If you say so bro, I am here to talk though

joshua — Today at 3:08 AM

yh thanks []

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(3)
it's like they expect me to shake it all off until i hit the breaking point.
that's when my mother punches the walls and cries because she "failed me."
she had years on years to help me, but she waited til it was too late, til it was over man.

i showed the signs for more than a year before it all went down and she shrugged it off, over and over and over again. she didn't care until she looked like a bad parent, until it looked like she was neglecting me. until the people in her close-knit Mormon community murmured with rumors about her nightmare parenting style.
truth is, it's not just her. my dad's pretty good at looking away.

i don't really expect anything better of them anymore. actually, osborne reminds me of my father, my father reminds me of osborne. I've never mentioned him on here before and i don't know if it's a good choice. i might as well, though.
I'll run it all down for you real quick.

first off, osborne is my best friend of two years. i met him in highschool, we immediately became really close when i joined the school because he's weird and quiet (i love him for it) and i'm weird and hyper and loud and energetic (he loves me for it.) i was the new extroverted bubbly student he took under his wing, he's grown up in that town.
I've told the story time and time again, but i might as well do it again. I'll narrow it down so fucking hard-

sorry i just got my bio final results back and i scored 66% because i don't know how to calculate exact time periods of cell growth or whatever. this is bullshit. i entirely understand how the different processes and systems work, why the fuck are you gonna ask me a question like
"errrm 23 days after x process takes place, what could we expect to see on a lab test result or ultrasound of the given organ? *snorts and pulls up suspenders*"shur up....
we spent like four weeks studying this shit and not ONCE were time-based processes or intervals mentioned are you KIDDING me? that might as well been a math exam man, shoulda thrown in a bit of calculus for good measure. fucking hell.

well
i "digress"

I'll narrow down the osborne thing.
essentially, osborne and i were best friends.
and essentially, him and the other people in the friend group did a bit of matchmaking in an attempt to get me into a relationship with osborne's closest friend, which he'd known since elementary.
did i get into a relationship with them? no. what did i get? molested and abused beyond repair.
osborne turned a blind eye.
he never spoke out about anything, never told off his friend. he just watched me fall apart.
sure, he picked up pieces here and there. said he was sorry. said it when it was just the two of us.
god knows if he could show sympathy for what i went through in front of that friend of his.

but i love him still. two years don't just erase like that. he's proof that i can hate someone and be absolutely crazy about them at the same time. hate might be a strong word, resent. i really, really resent him. i feel mistreated, i feel angry. at him and the situation. he looks away from the fact his friend sexually assaulted me, the same way my dad looks away from the fact that my mom physically assaulted me. really, i tend to see my dad in him. they have the same blue eyes, furrowed brows, and way of laughing. they like long walks, they're big, blonde guys. they have the same sense of humor and non-confrontational character, which they place over their genuine concern. and both of them love me, osborne like a brother, my dad like a father. i don't think I've admitted this anywhere else ever.

actually the only thing keeping me from deleting this is the loyalty to honesty i have and the burning desire to keep my blog as raw as it is. i think i'd kill myself if someone brought this up, i think i'd have to waterboard or mailbomb someone into silence.

i used to think of osborne as a prince among men, but i'm having a harder time with that now.
it might be covert, but it's an elephant in the room.

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(4)
man.

speaking of killing myself.

i would never kill myself, not anymore. i used to be unstable but that's over because i simply refuse to give up like that. if things keep going wrong i'm gonna hijack a construction site's bulldozer and go on a little joyride through the local farmer's market.
or I'll steal someone's car and use my highly limited driving knowledge to somehow get into the thousands of unmarked square miles of russian forest. spain to russia? give me four months.
if i can't do that, i'm hitchhiking.
if i don't have the money for supplies, I'll rob, I'll steal, I'll kill for all I care.

i'm never going to kill myself. i'm not dying before i see the world with my eyes while i can. I've gone blind on my left, my right is losing it too.
what point is there in wasting my short time and limited opportunity. this life is my only escape from the vast, vast void. whatever there was before birth will there after death, and this is my chance at touch and love and fulfillment. i'm not throwing this away over anyone or anything.

i have ONE chance to touch boys. ONE chance to make money. ONE chance to kill people i don't like. ONE chance to smell fresh air. ONE chance to commit vandalism. ONE chance for soft boy lips to be on my soft boy lips. ONE chance to travel. ONE chance to jerk off twinks. ONE chance to gamble.
my plan A? being wildly successful financially, moving into my own apartment, buying and maintaining a nice car, coming home to my cute male housewife cooking me dinner in my kitchen.
my plan B? running away. forests, guns, stolen car and alcohol. as god intended.
my plan C? domestic terrorism.
if i die, it's not intentional. if someone decides to say that I, Josh, killed myself, then they're lying.
i don't care how bad it gets dawg, i don't care what happens, i'm not ending this.

dawg i really did it all on my own
when i was at my worst a while ago
i really did it all by myself.
got better

to me, it's one of those real man things.
i have a testosterone deficiency, it fucks me up, i cope by acting more masculine than i really am.
or not, maybe that's just me.
i know the tears of joy i cry when i put up muscle in the gym are genuine, i know damn well i'm really fucking proud of myself when i spend time with my dad and he acknowledges me as his son.

i like holding on to "real man things".
i like romanticizing the shit i go through as "real man things".
being lonely? real man.
helping your family? real man.
working out? real man.
being unable to cry and having to write thousands of words onto a retro blog just to keep yourself from hysterically screaming and punching holes into drywall because you just cant fucking cry?
real man.
toxic masculinity hurts but it feels so good it's like getting my dick stepped on by a crossdesser
like it makes me feel awesome but it also causes so much pain in me
this applies to toxic masculinity too

god I'm so sorry for making this joke forgive me

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(2)

What set it all off was this dude I saw at the gym. I might've mentioned it before but I work out quite regularly, roughly 3-4 times a week, and I was in the gym showers. Luckily my gym isn't full of old guys, so it tends to be a) quite empty and b) the dudes that are around tend to be between the ages of 15 and 29. I'd showered and I was standing in the mirrored area, oiling my hair (i don't know if you guys do this, but i have pretty curly hair cuz I'm hispanic so i have to take good care of it) and washing my face, and this... guy came from the shower area with only a towel around his waist.

i shit you not, i looked at him for like four whole seconds and he met my eye contact and turned his head back, even when he'd walked past me. then it hit me - that was the older guy i held the door open in school. right? so this incredibly... chiseled. 5"6 twink with freckles and abs and curly hair goes to my school with me. I hadn't even realized we'd been going to school together for like a year. How'd I overlook such a pretty-looking boy? And then I realized "wait i'm thinking gay, am i gay?" and immediately remembered that i'm not gay, pushed the thought away and kept applying my acne treatment.

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(3)

but that flicked some sort of switch. the following days i caught myself looking for him, scanning rooms like the cafeteria or looking at the basketball court to see if he was there. turns out I've seen him at the bus stop too, and he lives in my area. have i ever talked to him? no. will i ever strike up a conversation with him? absolutely not, i would rather kill myself.

i'm not interested in dating the guy, he just helped me realized i might be homosexually inclined.
which sucks.
because i don't want to be homosexually inclined.
i wanna go back to spending time looking at dumb political shit and drawing or whatever.
now i sit at my desk looking at pictures of boys, frothing at the mouth and gripping the armrest of my seat.

I've never been down bad but now it's like all the testosterone is hitting me at once. And instead of liking girls, for some reason it's turning me into the opposite direction.

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(4)

At that point, with the guy, I think two or three weeks went by where I was able to keep this a secret. I suck at my own secrets. I can keep other people's secrets really well but I can't keep my own secrets because I like sharing everything I think and IT SUCKS. because something will be sitting on my chest, slowly crushing me.
i wanted to keep this a secret though, for obvious reasons. i mean, I've never been gay, not even slightly, and people were gonna think of me lesser.

until i started talking to this guy online who somehow manages to render me speechless over and over again. and instead of the homosexuality being a passive thought in my own head, it gets overwhelming to the point where i cant deny that this guy is doing something to me. and he really knows it, i think. but he's hard to read.

i just wanna go back to the #1 thing on my mind being violence, boobs, cars and motorcycles
and not blowjobs and kissing or whateverthefuck.

god i hate it here

# data[].attributes.body
(3)

omg monkey brain hubba hubba awooga bandonkers
im fucking pissed

IT JUST ADDS TO THE PILE
NOTHING IS INTERESTING ANYMORE
ITS JUST VIOLENCE AND SEX ON TV NOWADAYS
NOBODY CARES
IT JUST KEEPS US OCCUPIED
OUR BRAINS ARE ROTTING AWAY IN OUR SKULLS
THE YOUNG GENERATION WAS RAISED AND TAUGHT PORN AND VIOLENCE FROM SUCH A YOUNG AGE THAT WE CANT FUNCTION NORMALLY ANYMORE
ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 30 HAS CONSUMED SO MUCH VISUAL NOISE AND GARBAGE
im not even a purist, im not a prude, im not a pearl-clutching "think of the children" kinda guy
im gonna be honest, i like myself a good set of male or female abs once in a while

# data[].attributes.body
(4)

but there's no fucking way that this isnt having an effect on people and how they think and function
we've seen time and time again the effects that porn has on young boys and girls, we've seen what fanservice has done to the entertainment industry
why doesn't anybody do anything about this
oh i already know why
sex sells, misogyny is rewarded, plot and artistic effort is secondary to profit and controversial talk
sorry, how could i forget