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Oh Lord, where do I start?

First of all, I had fun—possibly the most fun I've had all month. I love exchanging emails with you, I love writing down my inner monologues and sending them to your way, I love reading your responses. I love that this whole thing feels so natural with you. I was afraid it was going to be awkward, but you were so good, so kind, and so gentle. You didn't shy away from my short burst of cannibalism fixation—which is rare. I almost unleashed everything, I swear.

You spoke so calmly, so poised, so maturely, and so handsomely that it had me giggling all day. The wait between those emails was worth it. I love the excitement, and I hope it's mutual (but if it isn't, I hope you know that you've made my entire week!).

That said, I am sorry if, in those emails, I uttered anything stupid or worse—if I offended you. I didn't mean any of it, especially when I was overexcited, I am so, so sorry. I hope to meet you again soon, maybe through more emails, maybe through something more real-time. Who knows? Until next time.

Love and kisses,

J.

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Hi, Mas Rais.

Maaf ya Adek baru muncul disini. I'd like to thank you, so so so much for spending early 2026 with me, Mas sayang.

I felt so loved and reciprocated, you know? You replied to each and every of my chat bubbles. You appreciated what I like and disliked, and... You told me a little about yourself too, which I appreciate so so much.

Dating you feels like I'm sinking my feet in the warm ocean water. In an empty, serene beach. The feeling: peaceful, hearty, gentle. And that's exactly who you are.

But from time to time, I also felt like jumping. Each of your kisses and compliments have me giggling and kicking my legs. Huehhe.

I especially loved how you don't shy away from expressing what you want or what you're not comfortable with. And, feeling to converse with me with discussions that may have not come easy. Sometimes speaking up my mind is so scary, but you managed to reassure me every time. Thank you for reassuring my insecurities too. It means a lot.

Mas sayang, I hope 2026 treats you kindly, ya? Please be healthy, and thank you again.

Regards,

K.

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It was a rather short time of meeting, but I sure had a great time with you Mas Rais (not even Javanese and you let me call you that, that was too kind of you). He knew just so well how to break the ice (like I wanted him to) and how to let and keep the conversations just flow naturally. Oh and not to mention those.. sessions.. and even the little ones in between our conversations.. particularly.. stres gua mah Mas.. (pos) (lovingly) (I kinda want some more)

In short, I really had a great time though it was rather short, and surely hope to see him some more? Maybe later? Next time? Maybe? Hehehe but in the meantime, you keep yourself healthy and happy, Mas Rais, thank you!

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Hi, Mas Ayis.

Hope you always be surrounded by good people who love you! Everyday!

First of all, i’d like to say thank you for accepting my proposal, yang mana sejak awal sudah “ribet” banget itu karna aku dan proposalku not clear enough. Aku senang sekali bisa menghabiskan beberapa hari bareng Mas Ayis, aku belajar banyak dari sosok Mas. Aku belajar namanya pelan-pelan, mencintai dan mengenal lebih dalam dan lebih baik, belajar “hitam-putih” iykyk. Aku senang orang itu kamu, you handled me so well. Thank you for trying to work things out with me.

Maaf kalau aku ada salah dan kurang selama kamu sama aku. Semoga bahagiaku juga kamu rasakan ya, Mas. Kapan-kapan ayo sebat sambil pangkuan depan alfamart lagi ya! Pls, I miss you so much. Hehehehe.

Until next time, Mas Ayisku

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papi, halo! papi maaf ya aku baru datang kesini karena aku habis packing, besok aku mau pergi keluar kota! (maaf tmi). papi terima kasih banyak ya sudah menemani aku kemarin, jujur aku sebenernya udah #NAKSIRBERAT tapi selalu gak nemu waktu yang pas buat nyamperin, eh giliran waktunya pas AKU YANG GROGI SENDIRI. aku HAPPY BESAR ngobrol sama papi, tapi saking happy-nya kadang aku sering buat kesalahan... semoga papi maafin aku yah 😿 papi jangan sering-sering mandi malem yah, tidak baik nanti bisa masuk angin. jaga kesehatan, cuacanya lagi tidak beres takut papi terserang penyakit lalu loyo (tetep ganteng kok). semoga di lain kesempatan, kita bisa bertemu lagi ya papi!

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Hello, kakak! How’s your lovely Sunday going? I hope you’re getting the rest you deserve after all the hard work you’ve done.

Kakak, thank you for patiently going along with my strange wishes yesterday, and thank you for the pain you gave me, it actually helped me release something that was weighing on my heart (I promise it’s in a good way). You handled everything so kindly and met my expectations. I know it took a lot of effort, and I’m truly grateful for that.

I hope your days are always filled with warm happiness and plenty of smiles. Please take care and don’t let the unpredictable weather get you down. Whenever the chance comes, I’ll cherish the time we share because I truly love your company.

🕊 Bi.

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Greetings Mas Rais, i hope your day has been lovely so far.

First of all i'd like to thank you for your company. Your presence reminds me of the soothing midsummer breeze; soothing, calming and tender. I'd give everything to be able to have the warmth of your embrace as a part of my daily mundane and busy life.

To be honest, I would have never expected to open up this much to you. But your charm is terribly irresistible and you somehow dove deep into my heart to cradle the parts of me that felt cold and lonely.

Thank you for being a good listener and thank you for those wonderful words. You have no idea how much i cherish those. (i may or may not have them saved in my notes for me to read whenever needed) Even during a busy day and in between the stacks of journals, i still think of our time together and even the memory of our time together is enough to bring warmth into my tired soul.

As i told you before during our time together, there's not yet a love song that could ever express just how much i adore you. I hope you know that i'll be looking forward for the next time we get the chance to meet again and until then, please take care and remember me in your heart.

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“For lack of a better word more than I meant to,”

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“For lack of a better word more than I meant to,”

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It’s strange how I keep catching myself wishing to be reminded of how my words collapse when you’re near, of how I’ve started to relish the fear of not knowing what to say, left searching for you in the gaps between my thoughts.

I can’t quite explain it. Not completely.

Maybe it’s because you’ve wandered deeper into me than anyone else ever has. You’ve seen beyond the surface and realized that I’m not merely someone carrying an ocean of sentences in my head—that I, too, can be swallowed by it, tumbling into silence so real it feels like the words were never mine to begin with.

Or maybe it’s more than just discovery. Maybe it’s that you found the hidden parts of me and still chose to stay. You mended the cracked walls with tenderness I didn’t know I needed, then remained as long as you wanted as if the place had been yours all along—unafraid of the unfamiliar, unafraid of what you might unfold afterward.

With you, being open doesn’t feel like a risk anymore. It feels more like exhaling because you’ve made space for me to simply be: to speak in fullness yet find comfort in solitude, to unravel like ink flowing freely across paper but also take refuge in the quiet when my mind is too tangled to name.

Rais, I’m grateful for the chance to become a story I never imagined myself telling. Thank you for showing me how beautiful it is to be seen without conditions. That kind of acceptance is rare.

And since I’m still at the very beginning of peeling the layers of you, would you open your door again if I came to you with my heart in hand?

Yours in every season,

🕊️

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Selamat pagi/siang/sore/malam, kapanpun mas baca ini, Mas Ayis. Ini adek Rose. Maaf ya adek baru datang sekarang? Banyak yang adek kerjakan dan adek pengin nulis ini dalam keadaan lebih tenang. Mas tau nggak? Adek nulis ini sambil dengerin lagu Hivi! Judulnya Siapkah Kau Tuk Jatuh Cinta Lagi. Maaf kalau kayak ABG.. belum apa-apa adek sudah senyum sedikit. Sedikit saja.

Pertama kali adek kepikiran mau ketemu mas karena memang sedang butuh untuk ditemani. Iyasih, dari TL mas keliatan seperti tipe adek. Adek tentu punya ekspektasi nanti kita pacarannya bakal kayak apa, that's why adek tulis detail maunya adek gimana. Tapi kaget karena mas bisa melebihi ekspektasi adek. Adek fikir, nggak bakal ada orang yang bisa bener-bener mengisi kekosongan di dalam diri adek karena ya selama ini emang trial error terus. Kalau kata sales, belum mencapai target. Pas sama mas.... Ini mas bisa baca pikiran adek...? Yang adek tulis memang sudah detail. Tapi di kepala adek, ada keinginan yang lebih njelimet lagi. Dan mas berhasil mencapai yang njelimet itu. Tanpa adek minta.

Adek sudah pernah bilang kan, ya? "Mas. Sudah lama aku nggak diginiin." bahkan adek bilang sampe nangis karena mas manis sekali. Mungkin buat beberapa orang itu lebay. Halah gitu doang kok nangis. Tapi gimana ya? Adek udah lama enggak membayangkan di mana adek dilihat, dihargai, dan disayang seperti itu. It's been a really really long time soalnya mungkin enggak merasa pantas aja menerima itu semua. Ternyata adek masih boleh ngerasain itu lewat mas. Adek lupa mas bilang apa aja tapi adek masih ingat sekali rasanya gimana.

"Meski bibir ini tak berkata bukan berarti ku tak merasa ada yang berbeda di antara kita." Kalau kata HIVI begitu. Meskipun menurut mas adek ini ekspresif, tapi sebenarnya ada hal-hal yang nggak bisa adek sampaikan ke mas secara langsung. Ajaib di pertemuan pertama adek merasa nyaman sama mas. Adek pengin jelasin lebih dari nyaman. Tapi gabisa. Nggak tau cara bilangnya gimana. Yang bisa dirasain sekarang cuma rasa sayangnya aja.

"Dan tak mungkin ku melewatkan mu hanya karena diriku tak mampu untuk bicara bahwa aku inginkan kau ada di hidupku." kata HIVI lagi. Bener deh. Cuma karena adek gabisa jelasin lebih gimana rasa nyamannya adek sama mas, ga mungkin adek lewatin mas gitu aja. Adek masih ingat kita punya rencana tahu telor date. Kita makan tahu telor berdua dan cerita-cerita banyak. Lucu. Imut. Adek juga pengen nyobain hal lain sama mas. Juga lanjutin nonton romcom rekomendasi mas kemarin. Setelah itu kita bisa explore lebih jauh. Adek pengin tau mas suka apa, mas nggak suka apa, atau mas ingin apa. Begitupun sebaliknya. Menurut adek itu udah romantis.. (Nggak tau juga sih kalau orang lain gimana..).

Maaf kebanyakan cerita, ya.. Mas sangat soft-spoken, respectful, pinter, romantis. Representasi gentleman Choi San yang ada di kepala adek selama ini. Makasih ya mas udah wujudin itu semua. Makasih udah mau meluangkan waktu buat adek. Makasih udah sayangin adek, udah baik sama adek, dan banyak lagi. Semoga kebaikan mas juga dibalas dengan balasan yang setimpal. Atau lebih. Semoga mas selalu sehat, bahagia, dan semua urusannya lancar. Adek selalu do'ain yang terbaik buat mas. Sehat sehat, Mas. (Yah.. nangis lagi). Adek sayang mas sekali. I love you, Mas Ayis.

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Lipstick stains or otherwise.

I'll take it over your absence any night. You've made a home in the soft parts I pretend not to have, dangerous thing.