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Why and How to Talk to Your Child About Racism | Parenting Tips & Advice | PBS KIDS for Parents

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Conversations about racism will look different for each family, but it's important to talk to children about race and racism. Here are some tips.

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Six building blocks for engaging young children in conversations

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Six building blocks for engaging young children in conversations

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Color-Brave Caregivers can use these language "building blocks" to help break down concepts about race and racism into ideas that young children are familiar with and capable of understanding.

1. Skin Color & Melanin:

Melanin is tiny little grains of brown coloring in our skin. It's there to help protect our skin from the sun. The darker your skin is, the more melanin you have. The amount of melanin you have is based on where your ancestors lived a long time ago - if they lived in a part of the world with lots of sun and heat, or a part of the world with less sun and heat.

2. Fairness & Unfairness:

Young kids are very attuned to what is "fair" and "unfair" - who gets to have more, who gets to go somewhere, and who doesn't. We can use this concept to explain racism and connect past events in history with racial inequality (or rules or situations that are unfair) in the present.

3. Hurting & Being Hurt:

Children are very aware of being hurt physically and emotionally. We can use this concept to explain some of the consequences of racism that hurt people's bodies and hearts. We can also talk about stories that we might hear about groups of people that are not true and are hurtful to them.

4. Power & Control:

Children experience following instructions and routines set by adults and the joy and pride that comes with making their own choices on a daily basis, so they can understand the ideas of power and control. Power is when I get to say what you can and cannot do. Power is who is in charge and who makes the rules. Racism is a way that people keep power over others. In the U.S., it has been White people who have had power for a very long time and still have power.

5. Equality & Equity:

Even young kids can begin to appreciate the difference between equality and equity. Equality is when everyone gets exactly the same (e.g., crackers, Legos, Play-Doh). Equity is when everyone gets what they need. Some people need glasses to see and some people don't. Sometimes someone needs a bigger snack because they didn't get breakfast, and you might not want a big snack because you're not that hungry. Because things have been unfair for people of color for a long time, we need to think about solutions that create equity, not just equality.

6. Standing Up for What is Right:

Standing up for what's right is like making a good choice. Standing up for what is right is sometimes hard and not always fun, but it helps someone else and makes the world safer and happier for everyone.

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Six building blocks for engaging young children in conversations...

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Navigating conversations about race with young children can feel complex. We've created a simple framework to help you break down these important topics...

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Kids often repeat words they don't understand, even ones that may be upsetting to hear. Racial slurs can be particularly upsetting to hear from a child - especially when it's directed at another child.

Putting racial slurs like the "n-word" into context for your child can help them understand why it's not okay for some people to say, and how it can impact people depending on their identity. This first script will help you explain the "n-word" to your non-Black child in terms they can understand, and the script that follows will help you explain why sometimes "bad" words can be okay for some people to say but not others.

Explaining the "n-word"

Maybe your kid is asking what the word means, you've overheard their friends saying it, or your child was involved in an incident on social media or in person where they or someone else used the racial slur. Either way, you do need to have a serious conversation with them, but try your best to stay calm and not jump to conclusions about their intentions. You can say -
"You might not have known this, but that word is really hurtful and we shouldn't use it. Ever. It's been used by people who wanted to hurt Black people, to put them down because they thought white people were better and more deserving. Does that sound like something you'd be a part of? Of course not. So even if you were joking or didn't mean to hurt anyone, or if someone else told you it's fine to say, the word can still make a lot of people feel bad, scared, and unsafe."
Harsh words or a big reaction might just confuse them or make them angry - instead of actually teaching them why the word is not okay. It is important, however, to make it clear that they'll need to take accountability if they've already used the word. You can say -
"Everyone deserves to feel safe in their own skin, right? And the words we choose can help with that. You'll need to make a genuine apology to your friend. Do you want to write something down and run it by me? Let's come up with ways to respond if your friends ever use words like this again. We can make a list and highlight the ones that sound right."
Explaining why not everyone should say the "n-word"

What if they ask why their Black friends can use that word but they can't? What if they hear it in a song - why is it an okay word for some lyrics, or for some people, but not others? It can be confusing. Even if you have a sense of why it's okay for some and not others, it can be hard to find the words to explain it to a child. Here's what you can say if it comes up -
"That's a good question. Remember how we talked about what the 'n-word' means? Right, it's a word that (mostly white) people have used to hurt and scare Black people. So we never use it, because we don't want anyone to feel unsafe or think we're trying to use it to make them feel bad. But it's confusing when a word is "bad" for some people and not others, right? When people use a slur that's usually directed at people with their same identity (like when Black people use the 'n-word'), it's a way to take the power away from people who were using the word in a mean way, and give that power to the people who were being hurt by that word instead. Here's a general rule: If we're not part of the group that's been hurt by a word, then we can't be the ones to try to make it into a positive, powerful word."
ParentsTogether Foundation

ParentsTogether is a 501 (c)3 nonprofit community of over 3 million parents, caregivers, and advocates working together to make the world a better place for all children and families.

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Here's how to talk to your child about the "n-word" and racial slurs - ParentsTogether

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Putting racial slurs like the "n-word" into context for your child can help them understand why it's not OK for non-Black people to say.

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Talking with Our Children about Oppression and Liberation

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Talking with Our Children about Oppression and Liberation

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Dear Fellow Black Parents: Talking with Our Children about Oppression and Liberation | pact

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by Malaika Parker Dear Fellow Black Parents: With the beautiful Uprisings of 2020 there is a newfound awareness of something most Black folks have always been aware of: White Supremacy exists (welcome to the party, y’all are real late). There has been a collective awakening to the fact that in order to make changes we […]

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Seeing, Noticing, and Talking About Differences with Young Children

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Seeing, Noticing, and Talking About Differences with Young Children

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A white 5-year-old sees a black parent at the gate at pick up time, turns to one of the black students near her and says, "Look, there's your mom!"

Two white 5-year-olds run up to their teacher during play time and say, "We have the same skin, so we can be best friends!"

A 4-year-old boy tells another 4-year-old boy that he can't be a boy, because "your hair is too long."

​A 5-year-old tells her teacher she knows why some people cover their hair, after seeing someone wearing hijab. "It's because their hair is too dirty," she says.

These are all examples of biased statements that young children make as they discover the world around them: how they are alike and different from others, and what this all means, in the context of a culture and society that is riddled with bias.

The belief that children are "colorblind" when it comes to race has been overwhelmingly disproven by research, but also by life, if we care to notice.

The belief that children are "colorblind" when it comes to race has been overwhelmingly disproven by research, but also by life, if we care to notice.

Children Notice, Sort, and Categorize

In my experience as a teacher and parent, I've observed that young children spend a lot of time sorting and categorizing the world around them. They are also asked to do this on a daily basis. A teacher may ask a child to pick out all the squares from a bin of shapes, in order to teach something about attribute sorting and categorizing. Or a parent may ask a child to find the match for all of their socks, praising her for her organizational skills and attention to detail. "Look how you've sorted and organized - well done!" ​

Yet, when this same child applies this same thinking to the people in her classroom, or in her community, she is often silenced for being impolite. "No, that's wrong," a teacher may say when a student assumes two children of color are related simply because they both have brown skin. A student may be silenced for simply noticing the different skin colors of the students in the classroom. "That's not important," she may be told. "What matters is what's on the inside, and being nice to everyone." ​

Not Talking to Kids About Race Does Harm

Just because a young child stops talking about differences does not mean she stops noticing them. She continues to notice but is left to draw her own conclusions about these differences. And these conclusions will more often than not be misguided and biased, because of the world we live in.

​Consider a white kindergartener who lives in a mostly white neighborhood and attends a mostly white school. The neighborhood next to the school is more mixed, and less affluent than the neighborhood where the child lives. On their daily drives to school, the child notices some homeless people, the majority of whom are black. He begins to think that in order to be homeless, you have to be black. And although his parents might be horrified to learn that he's made this association, they don't know and can't guide him because he's learned from them not to talk about these kinds of differences. When he points at a black child and observes that he's "dark" his parents shut it down. "That doesn't matter. Everyone's the same on the inside," they tell him.

[I]t is very confusing for a young child to be told that race doesn't matter in this country when it clearly does and always has.

And because of this enforced silence, the child isn't able to link what he observes to a deep understanding of the legacy of racism, and systemic injustice. By the time this student enters the upper grades and begins to learn about racism and oppression, he places all of this learning in the context of "history" lessons, because no one has told him that this still matters, that these systems are ongoing. Meanwhile, he has developed biases about blackness, biases he hasn't been encouraged to recognize or counter. If it doesn't matter what's on the outside, and racism is a problem of the past, than the fact that the homeless people near his school happen to be black must be their own problem -  a matter of laziness, of personal failure - rather than a result of continued oppression.

To put it even more simply, it is very confusing for a young child to be told that race doesn't matter in this country when it clearly does and always has.

So, What Can We Do Instead?

How do we engage with young children around this topic, a topic that often makes us feel uncomfortable, worried, and anxious ourselves? How do we teach our children and our students that yes, we are all human, and, yes, we are all different, and these differences are important to understand and appreciate? How do we keep children from developing biased, misguided ideas about others?

It's amazing what happens when you open up a conversation with a group of young children about differences, without stigma or fear. When you let them ask their questions and say out loud what they think, and when you give them correct information, they immediately begin to incorporate this into their developing understandings, and form, deeper, more respectful bonds with one another.

When you let them ask their questions and say out loud what they think, and when you give them correct information, they immediately begin to incorporate this into their developing understandings, and form, deeper, more respectful bonds with one another.

For example, when I first gather my kindergarten students and ask them where they think skin color comes from, they tell me things like, "your cells," or "your heart," or "your mom, just your mom." I tell them the facts: skin color comes from melanin, the sun, and where your ancestors are from - whether that place is cool or hot. And, I let them know that skin color doesn't determine if someone is good or bad, smart or dumb, what they like to do, etc. ​

​I let them know that everyone has skin color, not just those with darker skin. This works against the tendency for white children to think of their skin as 'normal'. And I talk about how skin can mix and create different skin. I show my students photos of my family, me, a white mom, a black dad, and our two daughters, who are half white/black. And I answer all of their questions about being different but being in the same family. "My kids say I'm vanilla," I tell them. "And they call their dad chocolate. They say they are milk chocolate."

The author and her two children.

​Biased statements start to fade away

When I started this teaching in my classroom, I was amazed by how the students gained a new appreciation of their own skin, giving their skin poetic names, carefully choosing skin color pencils for their self portraits, and how they treated their friends with this same attention and respect, asking them what color pencil to use when drawing pictures of one another, not assuming they knew or pointing at the kids of color in the room as the only ones with skin color, or with a race.

[T]he biased statements I used to hear about brown skin faded away. Students stopped saying things like, "brown skin is burnt." White students stopped assuming that the children of color were related in some way, and stopped assuming that a black parent automatically went with a black student.

And, the biased statements I used to hear about brown skin faded away. Students stopped saying things like, "brown skin is burnt." White students stopped assuming that the children of color were related in some way, and stopped assuming that a black parent automatically went with a black student. They were being given the opportunity to air these assumptions, to be corrected, to see examples that went against their tendency to sort and put "like" with "like", and they responded with a deeper appreciation and understanding about skin color and race.

"You can't say you can't play!"

Simultaneously, I talked explicitly about the dangers of excluding others because of differences.

I used puppets to act out scenarios of exclusion, such as when the zebras tell the lions only zebras can play their game, and I asked the students to help solve this problem. "You can't say you can't play!" they scolded the zebras.

This mattered deeply when we began to talk about racism. The students were no longer confused about what skin color is, and who in the classroom was white, black, or brown. The white students no longer singled out the students of color in the room as if this story, about racism, only applied to them.

​They'd also had practice thinking about this problem, of racism, in the context of the beloved puppets in their classroom, and felt invested in a deeper way. And I let them know that racism is not solved, and we have to continually fight against it. We learn about people, both living and dead, famous and not, who work toward racial justice, and we think of ways we can help solve this problem ourselves, such as educating our school community about the dangers of bias.

I apply this same technique to all of our conversations about difference. We talk about all the different ways to be a girl and a boy. When they assume a character in a book is male, I challenge their thinking. "He's wearing pants," they tell me. Or, "He has short hair." We go back through the book together, to check if the character is given a pronoun, and, when we discover there isn't one, we ask ourselves if girls wear pants, too, or have short hair, too. And, gradually, they begin to correct one another for making these kinds of assumptions. "You can't tell by looking!" they'll remind one another. Or, "there's lots of different ways to be a girl."

After receiving complaints from several black families at my school that their children's hair was being touched repeatedly by other students, and realizing that simply telling them to stop was not fixing the problem, I decided to teach a unit on hair. My students were deeply curious about this difference, and needed information, so I gave it to them. We learned about hair in the animal world, and what purpose it serves, and our own hair, how it is different and the same. We talked about different textures of hair, and different ways hair needs to be treated depending on its texture, and, yes, I told them the importance of keeping their fingers out of each other's hair. And, hair touching ceased.
​
The repeating refrain in my classroom is, "Same/Same/Different." Each time we learn about a difference, we also learn about something we share in common. We all have skin, it has the same function for all of us, and it comes in many different beautiful shades. The same is true for hair, family structure, religion, gender, etc.

Talking about our differences doesn't divide us, or make my students wary or fearful of one another, it bonds us together as a community, and allows us to be more respectful, more inclusive, kinder, and nicer.

The important thing is to treat everyone with respect and kindness, and to stand up for ourselves and others when we see any form of injustice. Talking about our differences doesn't divide us, or make my students wary or fearful of one another, it bonds us together as a community, and allows us to be more respectful, more inclusive, kinder, and nicer. When we stop making assumptions about one another, when we stop developing biased ideas about our differences, we gain a deeper appreciation for the humanity in all of us, in all of its variety and diversity.

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Seeing, Noticing, and Talking About Differences with Young Children

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A white 5-year-old sees a black parent at the gate at pick up time, turns to one of the black students near her and says, "Look, there's your mom!" Two white 5-year-olds run up to their teacher during play time and say, "We have the same skin, so we can be best friends!"

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What White Children Need to Know About Race

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What White Children Need to Know About Race

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This article was originally published on the National Association of Independent Schools website

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The Conscious Kid is an education, research and policy organization that supports families and educators in taking action to disrupt racism, inequity and bias

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With humor and sensitivity, filmmaker and comedian W. Kamau Bell tackles the joys and challenges of growing up mixed-race through conversations with kids and families in the San Francisco Bay Area, including his own.

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1000% Me: Growing Up Mixed | Official Website for the HBO Original Documentary | HBO.com

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The official website for 1000% Me: Growing Up Mixed on HBO, featuring interviews, schedule information, behind the scenes exclusives, and more.

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In this episode, the McKellan family's sons, Shaka and Mazzi, are racially profiled and handcuffed by a police officer while mowing lawns in their neighborhood. This incident leads to a profound family discussion about racism, safety, and the realities of being young Black boys in America.

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Family Reunion - S1 • E10 - Remember When Our Boys Became Men?

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M’Dear introduces Jade to a new boy, and Mazzi and Shaka find a job to earn extra money. But an encounter with a cop soon has the family on edge.

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Our Skin: First Conversations about Race

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Our Skin: First Conversations about Race

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This simple book provides a great framing for understanding race and its impact.

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Our Skin: A First Conversation About Race - Read Aloud with the Author | Brightly Storytime

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Tips for Teaching & Talking to Kids About Race

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Tips for Teaching & Talking to Kids About Race

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A short and approachable message for young children about race

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Let your child know that it’s okay to ask questions—even the big, uncomfortable ones. You don’t need perfect answers. What matters most is that you’re listening with care and showing up with love.

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These conversations are emotionally heavy. Allow yourself space to grieve, rest, and heal. Your well-being is essential for sustaining the deep work of raising socially aware and resilient children.

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Connecting, inspiring, and uplifting Black families through liberated parenting.

Parenting for Liberation is a virtual community that connects, inspires, and uplifts Black folks as they navigate and negotiate raising Black children within the social and political context of the US.

Parenting for Liberation believes in the power of parents to conceive, birth, and nurture liberation for the future. Parenting for Liberation is rooted in an Afro-futuristic vision of a world where black parents are in community with each other to raise black children without fear and instead parent for liberation.

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*We define parent broadly: from activist parents, stay-at-home parents, working parents, single-parents, co-parenting parents, young parents, grandparents, step parents, second-parents, like-a-parent, kinfolk-parents, spiritual parents, everyday parents who all have something to share about parenting for liberation.

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Connecting, inspiring, and uplifting Black families through liberated parenting. Parenting for Liberation is a virtual community that connects, inspires, and uplifts Black folks as they navigate and negotiate raising Black children within the social and political context of the US. Parenting for Liberation believes in the power of parents to conceive, birth, and nurture liberation...

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A book about the power of words