# data[].attributes.headline
"It's not a matter of being taught values by parents or teachers, but rather that children come to understand basic ideas about fairness, justice, rights and people's welfare"

# data[].attributes.subject
"It's not a matter of being taught values by parents or teachers, but rather that children come to understand basic ideas about fairness, justice, rights and people's welfare"

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
Children progress at different rates. They have different interests, abilities, and personalities. But there are some common milestones many children reach from ages 6 to 12.

What can my child do at these ages?

As your child grows, you'll notice him or her developing new and exciting abilities.

A child age 6 to 7:

A child age 8 to 9:

Is more graceful with movements and abilities

Jumps, skips, and chases

Dresses and grooms self completely

Can use tools, such as a hammer or screwdriver

A child age 10 to 12:

What does my child understand?

As children enter into school age, their skills and understanding of concepts continue to grow.

A child age 6 to 7:

A child age 8 to 9:

A child age 10 to 12:

How will my child interact with others?

An important part of growing up is learning to interact and socialize with others. During the school-age years, you'll see a change in your child. He or she will move from playing alone to having multiple friends and social groups. Friendships become more important. But your child is still fond of you as parents, and likes being part of a family. Below are some of the common traits that your child may show at these ages.

A child age 6 to 7:

A child age 8 to 9:

Likes competition and games

Starts to mix friends and play with children of the opposite gender

Is modest about his or her body

Enjoys clubs and groups, such as Boy Scouts or Girl Scouts

Is becoming interested in boy-girl relationships, but doesn't admit it

A child age 10 to 12:

Finds friends are very important and may have a best friend

Has increased interest in the opposite gender

Likes and respects parents

Enjoys talking to others

How can I encourage my child's social abilities?

You can help boost your school-aged child's social abilities by:

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
child growth; child development; growing child; child growth and development; childhood developmental phases; school-age child;

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
default - Stanford Medicine Children's Health

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Children progress at different rates. They have different interests, abilities, and personalities. But there are some common milestones many children reach from ages 6 to 12. As your child grows, you'll notice him or her developing new and exciting abilities.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.provider_name
Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Executive function and self-regulation skills are the mental processes that enable us to plan, focus attention, remember, and juggle multiple tasks.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.provider_name
Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
Executive function and self-regulation (EF/SR) skills provide critical supports for learning and development, and while we aren't born with these skills, we are born with the potential to develop them through interactions and practice.

This 16-page guide (available for download, below), describes a variety of activities and games that represent age-appropriate ways for adults to support and strengthen various components of EF/SR in children.

Each chapter of this guide contains activities suitable for a different age group, from infants to teenagers. The guide may be read in its entirety (which includes the introduction and references) or in discrete sections geared to specific age groups.

Suggested citation: Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University (2014). Enhancing and Practicing Executive Function Skills with Children from Infancy to Adolescence. Retrieved from www.developingchild.harvard.edu.

Download PDF

Enhancing and Practicing Executive Function Skills with Children from Infancy to Adolescence

An activities guide for building executive function

Download PDF

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Activities Guide: Enhancing & Practicing Executive Function Skills

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Download free guides of executive functioning activities to support and strengthen skills, available for children ages six months through adolescence.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
The Smart but Scattered Guide to Success How to Use Your Brain's Executive Skills to Keep Up, Stay Calm, and Get Organized at Work and at Home by Peg Dawson and Richard Guare Published by Guilford Press Meeting a huge demand, Peg Dawson and Richard Guare (authors of the bestselling Smart but Scattered books focusing on kids and teens) now provide a state-of-the-art resource specifically geared to adults.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Common Sense Media editors help you choose Books That Teach Empathy. Help kids learn the importance of caring for others.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
18 Perfect Read-Alouds for Teaching Growth Mindset

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
Children learn empathy both from watching us and from experiencing our empathy for them. When we empathize with our children they develop trusting, secure attachments with us. Those attachments are key to their wanting to adopt our values and to model our behavior, and therefore to building their empathy for others.

Empathizing with our children takes many forms, including tuning in to their physical and emotional needs, understanding and respecting their individual personalities, taking a genuine interest in their lives, and guiding them toward activities that reflect an understanding of the kind of people they are and the things they enjoy.

Children also learn empathy by watching those we notice and appreciate. They'll notice if we treat a server in a restaurant or a mail carrier as if they're invisible. On the positive side, they'll notice if we welcome a new family in our child's school or express concern about another child in our child's class who is experiencing one challenge or another.

Finally, it's important for us to recognize what might be getting in the way of our empathizing. Are we, for example, exhausted or stressed? Does our child push our buttons in a specific way that makes caring for her or him hard at times?

Try this

Know your child. Ask your child questions. For example, what did you learn today that was interesting? What was the hardest part of your day? How would you most like to spend a day if you could do anything? Do you have a friend that you especially respect? Why do your respect that person?

Demonstrate empathy for others, including those different from you. Consider regularly engaging in community service or model other ways of contributing to a community. Even better, consider doing this with your child. Express interest in those from various backgrounds facing many different types of challenges.

Engage in self-care and self-reflection. Try to find time to regularly engage in an activity-whether it's going for a walk, reading a book, meditating or praying-that can help you avoid being overwhelmed by stress. Reflect and consult with people you trust when you're having a hard time empathizing with your child.

2. Make caring for others a priority and set high ethical expectations.

If children are to value others' perspectives and show compassion for them, it's very important that they hear from their parents that caring about others is a top priority, and that it is just as important as their own happiness. Even though most parents say that raising caring children is a top priority, often children aren't hearing that message.

Try this

Keep to a clear message. Consider the daily messages you send to children about the importance of caring. For example, instead of saying "The most important thing is that you're happy," you might say "The most important thing is that you're kind and that you're happy."

Prioritize caring when you talk with other important adults in your children's lives. For example, ask teachers and coaches whether your children are caring community members in addition to asking about their academic skills, grades, or performance.

Help your children understand that the world doesn't revolve around them. It's vital at times for parents to put children's concern for others above their happiness, for example, insisting at times that children turn off the TV and help around the house, be polite even when they are in a bad mood, or not dominate the airwaves when they are talking to other children or adults.

3. Provide opportunities for children to practice empathy.

Children are born with the capacity for empathy, but it needs to be nurtured throughout their lives. Learning empathy is in certain respects like learning a language or a sport. It requires practice and guidance. Regularly considering other people's perspectives and circumstances helps make empathy a natural reflex and, through trial and error, helps children get better at tuning into others' feelings and perspectives.

Try this

Have family meetings. Hold family meetings when there are family challenges or conflicts, and in those meetings give children a voice and encourage them to take the perspective of other family members. Listen carefully to your children's views and ask your children to listen carefully to the views of others.

Encourage empathy for peers. Ask children about their classmates and other peers. Ask children when they're in conflicts with peers to consider their peers' perspectives.

Reflect on empathy and caring. Notice with your child when you're together and someone exhibits strong empathy-or shows a lack of empathy-either in your daily life or in a book or on television. Discuss why acts of empathy are important and why lacking empathy can be harmful.

Discuss ethical dilemmas. Discuss with your child ethical dilemmas that help them appreciate various perspectives, e.g., "Should I invite a new neighbor to my birthday party when my best friend doesn't like her?" "Should I tell my friend if I know her boyfriend, who is also my friend, cheated on her?"

Support doing with. Encourage children not just to do service, to "do for" others, but to "do with" others, working with diverse groups of students to respond to community problems.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
5 Tips for Cultivating Empathy - Making Caring Common

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Empathy is at the heart of what it means to be human. It's a foundation for acting ethically, for good relationships of many kinds, for loving well, and for professional success. And it's key to preventing bullying and many other forms of cruelty.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
Research shows that parents can have a powerful impact on their childrens' mindsets. The language you use and the actions you take show your children about what you expect. Giving process praise, talking about the brain, accepting mistakes as learning opportunities, and understanding the role of emotions in learning are all practices you can begin today.

Say This, Not That

The way we praise our children can have a profound impact on their mindset. Research on praise and mindsets shows that when we praise children for being smart, it promotes a fixed mindset. It sends a message that their accomplishments are trait-based, and tied to something innate. In contrast, praising kids for working hard promotes a growth mindset. It sends a message that the child's effort is what led them to success. Want more tips on what to say, and what not to say, when praising your kids? Say This, Not That!

Talk About the Brain

The brain is far more malleable than we once thought. Teaching our kids that they actually have control over growing their brains through the actions they take is empowering! Tell your children that when they work hard, that's the feeling of their neurons connecting. The dendrites are reaching out to other dendrites, trying to connect to make a stronger brain. What strengthens those connections is practice, asking questions, and actively participating in learning. When children learn that their brains physically change with effort, it leads to increased motivation and achievement. Show your kids this Brain Animation video to explain!

Accept Mistakes as Learning Opportunities

One of the best ways you can model a growth mindset is to speak candidly about the mistakes you've made, and what you've learned from them. Speak positively about your mistakes and struggles, and this will show your children that taking risks and making mistakes are a natural part of the learning process. Explain to your children that trying hard things is what helps us grow, and you can't be perfect when you try something hard!

Understand the Role of Emotions in Learning

When we get angry, scared, or feel threatened, our fight or flight response is activated. This can happen anytime, whether we're scared of a spider or scared of math! Our brains are wired to protect us when we feel threatened, and stress symptoms such as sweating, stomach cramps, and your mind going blank are completely normal. There are strategies we can use when the fight or flight response tries to take over, to help us learn. One of those strategies is called Square Breathing and it helps to break down the adrenaline that is flooding the bloodstream and preventing learning from occurring.

Want to Learn More?

Additional Reading:

Videos from the Greater Good Science Center:

You can find other videos and resources from the Greater Good Science Center at their Half Full Blog.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Growth Mindset For Parents | Growth Mindset Parenting

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Research shows that parents can have a powerful impact on their childrens' mindsets. The language you use and the actions you take show your children about what you expect. Giving process praise, talking about the brain, accepting mistakes as learning opportunities, and understanding the role of emotions in learning are all practices you can begin today.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
Read mentor text picture books to teach problem and solution text structure. Understanding problem and solution improves comprehension and helps readers make informed predictions. (As well as helps children see the creative possibilities in problem solving!)

When children learn what to expect in a problem-solution story, not only will they be able to predict solutions but they will also be better able to write their own problem-solution stories.

While there are many picture books that model the story structure of problem and solution, these are my favorites.
PRINTABLE LIST
Mentor Text Picture Books to Teach Problem and Solution

Jabari Jumps by Gaia Cornwall
Jabari is ready to jump off the diving board. Mostly. His dad tells Jabari that he feels scared too, and sometimes after a deep breath and telling himself he is ready, the thing stops feeling scary and feels like a surprise instead. I like this advice, don't you? And it works for Jabari, too. Beautiful illustrations, perfect text to picture ratio, and a helpful, relatable problem-solution story make this a best picture book of 2017.

Iggy Peck, Architect by Andrea Beaty
This kid-favorite picture book shares the inspiring story of Iggy, creative thinker and architecture enthusiast. Unfortunately, Iggy's teacher does like Iggy's love of architecture. However, she learns to appreciate his skills when the class gets into trouble and it's Iggy's architectural thinking that saves the day.

After the Fall: How Humpty Dumpty Got Back Up Again by Dan Santat
After his fall of the wall, Humpty Dumpty isn't quite all together again because now he's afraid of heights. Humpty decides to make a paper airplane that can fly high since he can't climb high anymore. Only the airplane flies OVER the high wall and is lost. Even though he's terrified, Humpty wants his airplane back. Eventually, he musters up his courage and climbs the wall. One step at a time. Until he's not scared anymore. And gets his airplane back! This beautifully illustrated and conceived picture book that shows kids that fear is normal and courage is doing something even when you're afraid.

Pigeon P.I. by Meg McLaren
What a unique and delightful mystery story! A little canary asks Pigeon P.I. (private investigator) to help her find her missing friends. Then the canary goes missing, too. It's up to Pigeon to solve the missing bird mystery. The author writes in the style of the old detective shows- punchy with short sentences. The illustrator captures the details, giving kids clues to notice as they read.

The Brownstone by Paula Scher, illustrated by Stan Mack
The Bear family is ready for hibernation but first, they need to figure out what to do about the noise problem. Their solution? All the animals work together to shift apartments so that everyone finds the best apartment for their specific needs. You'll love the message and illustrations.

The Little Blue Bridge by Brenda Maier, illustrated by Sonia Sanchez
Echoing the Three Billy Goats Gruff story, Ruby wants to cross the bridge and pick blueberries. But her brothers go without her because she's too little. When the brothers try to cross, the log-guard Santiago says, " I'm the boss and you can't cross...unless you give me a snack." The boys tell Santiago to wait for the next sibling who packs a better snack and Santiago lets the brother cross. Finally, Ruby starts across the bridge She doesn't have a snack so she builds her own bridge-which Santiago helps her with. Together they cross the bridge to pick a blueberry snack on the other side and now Ruby is the boss of the new bridge. What will she ask her brothers to do in order to cross her bridge? Bake her a pie, of course! Talk about girl-power!

Enigma by Graeme Base
Bertie needs to find the missing magic show props that have disappeared from his grandpa's retirement home. Each performer tells him what's missing. Readers help find the items in the illustrations so that Bertie can find the culprit. Like all his books, Base excels in his detailed illustrations.

This picture book is a great way to teach kids summarizing and word choice as well as a problem-solution text structure! Sophia really wants a pet giraffe for her birthday. As a result, she sets out to convince her family starting with her mother, a judge. However, Mother says that Sophia's argument is too verbose. As a result, Sophie tries fewer words with Father. But he says her presentation is too effusive. Sophia continues with each family member until she reaches her last-ditch attempt and says the one word that works: PLEASE.

When a cute little bunny tries to join a group of animal storytellers (mole, weevil, crab, and babirusa), the group doesn't want to add her to their brainstorming group. As the animals continue their story plans with relatable characters, an inciting incident, rising action, climax, and.... Only the group gets stuck with the ending. That's when bunny reveals that she likes making up weird (not boring) stories. The group realizes that the bunny has the perfect ending idea. Reluctantly, they agree that she can be part of the group. At least until a " bunch of adorable frogs and puppies show up next week... " This book shows plotting as well as the creative strengths of writers working together.

A House in the Woods by Inga Moore
Little pig's den becomes filled with friends but once Moose arrives, the den collapses. Oh, no! Problem. What will they do? Together the animals build a new house in the woods big enough to fit all the friends.

Mom says that if the boy doesn't clean his room, he'll get pests . . . which the boy thinks aren't all that bad, right? However, things go downhill when barbarian "pests" start arriving. Because they eat everything, use his toys to clean out their ears, and steal blankets and pillows. So there is only one thing to do - CLEAN up his room. It's a predictable but funny solution with the perfect forgot-to-clean-up twist at the end.

The worst thing about this family's new home is the walrus in the bathtub. Why? Because:

Also, walrus songs are very, very loud. It's a big problem. The family tries lots of clever things to get the walrus to leave the bathtub but with no success. So they decide to move. Again. That's when the walrus shows them his list - " How to Make Your New Family Feel Welcome " - which, surprisingly, includes all the things that annoy the family. It turns out the walrus was just trying to be nice. As a result, the family stays with a few *new* rules. This story will make you want your own walrus in a bathtub.

When Alex gets a silly, sappy picture book called Birthday Bunny, he picks up a pencil and turns it into something he'd like to read: Battle Bunny. An adorable rabbit's journey through the forest becomes a secret mission to unleash an evil plan-a plan that only Alex can stop. Not only does this mentor text model problem and solution, but also voice and revision.

Wangari's Trees of Peace by Jeannette Winter
Based on the true story of Wangari Maathai, winner of the Nobel Peace Prize, read how Wangari helped her country of Kenya whose forests were all but destroyed. She started planting trees which started a movement motivating other people to plant trees as well. This is an example of how narrative nonfiction book can also teach the plot structure of problem and solution.

The Thingity-Jigby Kathleen Doherty, illustrated by Kristyna Litten
Wordplay, problem-solving, and persistence! One day Bear finds a Thingity-Jig (aka. a couch) which he thinks is wonderful as a sit-on-it, jump-on-it thing. He asks his friends to help him carry it home but they're too fast asleep so Bear figures out some ideas to do it himself. He makes a Rolly-Rumpity! Which is a pack-it-up, heap-it-up, load-it-up thing. That isn't enough to move the Thingit-Jig so Bear makes something else - a Lifty-Uppity. And then, a Pushy-Poppity. And at daybreak, he arrives back at home where his friends are waking up, with his special Thingity-Jig. Bingity...Bing...Boing...Bear falls asleep.

Someday is Now: Clara Luper and the 1958 Oklahoma City Sit-Ins by Olugbemisola Rhuday-Perkovich
Clara advocated for justice and equality during a time when black people weren't permitted the same rights as white people. As a teacher, she inspired her students to believe that change was possible. Clara and her students went to the Katz drugstore and asked to be served - even though the store didn't serve black people. She and her students returned day after day despite people yelling and throwing food. Eventually, the Katz store relented and started to serve people of all races. Clara and her students finally could enjoy a Coke and a burger without trouble.

Piper and Purpa Forever! by Susan Lendroth, illustrated by Olivia Feng
Most stories have a problem and a solution but this story is a great example showing a little girl's ability to creatively problem solve with a beautiful solution to her problem. Piper loves her beloved purple sweater, Purpa, and is so sad when she grows out of it. Will she be able to keep her sweater somehow?

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Picture Books to Teach Problem and Solution

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Read mentor text picture books to teach problem and solution text structure. Understanding problem and solution improves comprehension and helps readers make informed predictions. (As well as helps children see the creative possibilities in problem solving!)

# data[].attributes.headline
How the Brain works and Emotional Regulation

# data[].attributes.subject
How the Brain works and Emotional Regulation

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
Kids experience a vast array of feelings, just as adults do. They can feel bored, anxious, sad, disappointed, embarrassed, and scared-to name a few. While most of us experience any number of emotions from day to day, we are not necessarily taught how to deal with them or how to cope.

Kids need to learn skills to manage their emotions in a healthy way. It's important to teach them coping skills that can help them face their fears, calm themselves down, and cheer themselves up.

Without healthy coping skills, kids are likely to act out-essentially sending a message that says, "I feel out of control so I'm going to act out of control." Kids who don't know how to deal with their feelings also are more likely to turn to unhealthy coping strategies, like alcohol or food, as they grow older.

For example, instead of working on math homework they don't understand, teens who use avoidance coping may go play basketball with their friends to avoid doing homework altogether.

Then, failing the assignment is likely to compound their academic problems. These teens are likely to fall further behind in school because they didn't take steps to learn how to cope with the anxiety and frustration they experience when they try to do the work.

Impact of Coping Skills

One study published in the journal Addictive Behaviors found that adolescents who use avoidance coping are more likely to use marijuana.﻿﻿ And those who lack problem-solving skills have higher lifetime marijuana use. This is just one example of how a lack of coping skills might lead to a dependence on something else.

On the flip side, kids who learn healthy coping skills at an early age may enjoy some big advantages in life. A study published in the American Journal of Public Health discovered a significant association between social-emotional skills in kindergarten and well-being in adulthood.﻿﻿

Researchers found that children who were able to regulate their emotions at 5 years old were more likely to go to college and have steady jobs as adults. These kids also were less likely to use substances, be engaged in criminal activity, and have mental health issues.

Multiple Strategies

There are two types of coping strategies. These include emotion-focused coping skills and problem-focused coping skills. Both types of skills are important for kids to learn and implement in their lives.

Emotion-focused coping skills help kids deal with their feelings so they feel less stressed.﻿﻿ These skills are necessary for situations when kids can't change the situation-like dealing with the loss of a pet or not making the basketball team. These skills also can help kids learn how to tolerate stress better so they can persevere.

Meanwhile, problem-focused coping skills involve taking action to change the situation. These skills might involve ending an unhealthy friendship or telling a teacher about a bully. These skills can be helpful when a child has some control over the situation. It's important to ensure that your child has both types of coping skills.

Emotion-Focused Coping Skills

Emotion-focused skills involve doing things that help your child feel better. They also involve doing something that offers a temporary distraction so they can return to the issue when they're feeling more level-headed. The following are some healthy emotion-focused coping skills for kids.

Label Feelings

Just being able to verbalize, "I'm mad," or "I'm nervous," can take the sting out of uncomfortable emotions. Give kids the words they need to describe their feelings. You can read books, look at "feeling faces" posters, or talk about emotions. Then, when they're struggling with a tough emotion, ask them to describe how they're feeling.

Learn Breathing Exercises

A few slow, deep breaths can help kids relax their minds and their bodies. One way to teach kids to do this is by encouraging them to take "bubble breaths." Tell kids to breathe in deeply through their nose and then breathe out slowly through their mouth like they're trying to blow a bubble with a wand.

An alternative strategy is to teach your kills to "smell the pizza." Tell them to breathe in through their nose like they're smelling a piece of pizza. Then, tell them to blow on the pizza to cool it down. Encourage kids to do this several times to help them feel better.

Participate in Exercise

Exercise can be a great way for kids to get out of their excess energy when they're nervous and to boost their mood when they're down. Strength building exercises like lifting weights and aerobic exercises like running or biking can be excellent ways to help kids regulate their emotions.

Encourage your kids to turn to physical activities when they are struggling with difficult emotions or situations. Eventually, going for a walk or a run will become a common-and healthy-way for them to cope with the challenges they face.

Create Artwork

Whether your child enjoys painting with watercolors, coloring in a coloring book, doodling, sculpting with clay, or creating a collage, creating art can be an excellent coping strategy.

Make sure you have plenty of art supplies on hand if this strategy works for your child. Eventually, your child will just pull out the supplies as a way of coping with difficult emotions.

Reading books can serve as a great temporary distraction, especially for kids who love to escape into stories. Often, when kids are done reading, they feel better equipped to tackle a problem because they're feeling calm and rejuvenated.

So, keep a supply of books on hand that your kids can go to when they need a temporary distraction.

When kids can't stop thinking about something bad that happened at school or something they're dreading in the future, do something to get their mind off their concerns.

Whether you play a board game or kick around a ball outside, doing something active can help change the channel in their brains. Then, they'll be able to think about other things, rather than dwell on all the things that make them feel bad.

Yoga provides many benefits to the mind and the body. A study published in Body Image found that four weeks of yoga led to better moods and improved body image in children.﻿﻿

Whether you decide to enroll your child in a yoga class or you do yoga videos together as a family in your living room, teaching your child about yoga could be a lifelong skill. And when your kids need a boost in mood or need help relaxing, you can remind them to practice some of their yoga poses.

Whether your children like to make their own music or they enjoy listening to calming songs, music can affect their brain and their body. In fact, music is often incorporated into treatment programs for physical health, mental health, and even substance use problems.

Watch a Funny Video

Laughing is a good way to take a mental break from problems. Watching a funny animal video, a hilarious cartoon, or something you captured on video could be a great way to help kids feel better. Even better, have your children create their own funny videos. Or, have them try recording some "Dad jokes" and playing them later for the family to enjoy.

Learn Positive Self-Talk

When children are upset, their self-talk is likely to become negative. They may think things like, "I'm going to embarrass myself," or "None of the other kids are going to talk to me."

Teach your kids how to speak to themselves kindly by asking, "What would you say to a friend who had this problem?" They're likely to have some kind, supportive words. Encourage your kids to use those same kind words when thinking about themself.

Utilize a Mood Booster

Work with your kids on making a list of all the things they like to do when they're happy-such as dancing, singing, kicking a ball, or telling jokes. Those are their mood boosters.

Then, when they're feeling down, encourage them to do something on their mood booster list. Even if they don't feel like doing it at first, doing something fun can help them feel better.

Create a "Calm Down" Kit

Fill a shoebox with items that engage your child's senses, like a stress ball to squeeze, lotion that smells good, and a picture that makes them happy. Ask your child for input on things that can be included. Then, when they're anxious, angry, or overwhelmed, encourage them to get their calm down kit.

Problem-Focused Coping Skills

Sometimes, there are situations where your child's discomfort is a sign that something needs to change in the environment. For example, if they're completely overwhelmed by being placed in an advanced class, the best solution might be to return to the regular class. Or, if they are being bullied while riding the bus, the situation might need to be addressed with the bus driver or principal.

Sometimes it's helpful to ask kids, "Do you think you need to change the situation or change how you feel about the situation?" With your help, they can become skilled at recognizing their options. Problem-focused coping skills are strategies that help reduce the source of stress. Here are a few examples of problem-focused coping skills.

Ask for Help

When your child is struggling with something, ask, "Who could help you with this?" Help kids recognize that there are likely multiple people who could assist them. For instance, a homework issue might be resolved by calling a friend. Or, it might be helpful to talk to the teacher the following day.

See if your child can name at least a few people who could help. Kids who know that it's OK to ask for help will feel empowered. They'll know that they don't need to know everything on their own and that it's OK to ask for support.

Engage in Problem-Solving

There are many ways to solve a problem. Sometimes, though, kids feel stuck and don't recognize the action they could take. When your child is struggling with a problem-whether they don't know what to wear to the dance or they keep forgetting to do their chores-sit down and problem-solve together.

Identify at least four or five possible solutions and write them down. Then, help your child pick which one they want to try. Over time, your kids will get better at solving problems on their own. Developing strong problem-solving skills will aid your kids in the years to come.

List the Pros and Cons

When kids are struggling to make a decision, like whether to play the flute or the violin, help them create a pros and cons list. Write down the positives and negatives about each option and help them review the list. Seeing things on paper may help them make a more informed decision about what they want to do.

Encourage your kids to make a list of pros and cons every time they are faced with challenging decisions. Learning to weigh their options will serve them well-especially if they are faced with moral decisions or difficult choices in the future.

Tips for Parents

Ultimately, your children should be able to use coping skills on their own so they can deal with discomfort in a healthy way when you're not there to guide them. But, as they are learning these skills, look for opportunities to talk about different strategies.

Any time you help them, point out the strategies you're using and talk about how they can remember to use them on their own in the future. For instance, if you take your child to the park after getting cut from a team, explain your reasoning.

Say, "I know you were feeling really upset, and I know you love the park. So, I thought it would be a good way to help you feel better. What are some other things that can help you feel better when you're feeling bad?"

The following are some additional tips to keep in mind when teaching your child how to use coping skills.

Prompt your child. Say things like, "It looks like you're feeling frustrated. What would help you calm down right now?" The goal is that your children learn what works for them when coping with issues or difficult situations so they can identify what they need to do.

Allow your child to feel bad. Your child doesn't need to be happy all the time. Feeling angry, sad, or scared can be part of the healing process. However, it's important that your child not stay stuck in a bad mood. When emotions are interfering with their ability to function well, encourage kids to use coping skills.

Praise your child. When you notice your child using coping skills, provide praise. Say, "I saw you taking some bubble breaths on the playground today. Nice job calming yourself down." Letting your child know that you saw them use their skills reinforces their importance.

Discuss strategies. Help children learn to identify which strategies work best for them. Ask questions like, "Did coloring help you feel better?" The goal is to encourage your child to identify what works and what doesn't when they are feeling stressed, frustrated, or overwhelmed.

Watch for escapism. Any coping skill can become unhealthy if it's overused. But it's equally important to be aware of how much time your child is spending on electronics. Screen time can become a means of escapism that helps your child avoid problems, rather than cope with them.

When your child makes a mistake-such as breaking an object out of anger or opting out of something they wanted to do because of nerves-use it as a teaching opportunity. Help your kids sharpen their skills so they feel better equipped to deal with discomfort in the future.

A Word From Verywell

Developing strong coping skills takes time and patience. Don't expect your kids to use these strategies effectively right out of the gate. It will take them a little time to determine what works and what doesn't. Additionally, they may find that some coping strategies are more useful than others. So, don't try to force them into a mold. Instead, empower them to choose what works best for them.

If you think your child or your teen is being negatively impacted by stress or is having trouble coping with difficult situations, talk to your pediatrician. Your child's doctor can offer suggestions as well as make a referral to a mental health professional if one is needed.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Kids experience a vast array of feelings, just as adults do. They can feel bored, anxious, sad, disappointed, embarrassed, and scared-to name a few. While most of us experience any number of emotions from day to day, we are not necessarily taught how to deal with them or how to cope.

# data[].attributes.headline
Books about identifying and managing feelings

# data[].attributes.subject
Books about identifying and managing feelings

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
I am a huge fan of using books as a resource to open discussion with kids about all manner of situations and problems. This collection of books about feelings and emotions was sparked by the popularity of our Managing Big Emotions emotional awareness series, with the picture books featured here handpicked for their capacity to spark discussions with children about a range of emotions.

Helping children learn to identify emotions, the situations that spark these feelings and effective coping skills provides them with a strong emotional foundation, which in turn can lead to increased self confidence and sense of self esteem.

Picture books are great for exploring with tiny tots but these stories are also wonderful for initiating discussion with children in preschool, kindergarten and even children in the primary/elementary years.If you are looking for books for talking with children about a specific emotion, be sure to check out our partner posts;

Each of the books about feelings featured below is linked to our pick of the best online bookshops (these are affiliate links) where you can find reviews and age recommendations for those you might not be personally familiar with.

21 Picture Books about Feelings & Emotions

The When I'm Feeling series includes books exploring a range of emotions - angry, jealous, kind, scared, lonely and loved, and they are one of my favourite resources for introducing children to emotions and strategies for expressing our feelings in ways that are appropriate and acceptable to ourselves and others.
Available: Amazon | The Book Depository

For more first books about feelings, check out our Best Toddler Books About Feelings list.

List continues below. List continues below. For more social emotional learning with kids, check out these super popular resources;

Pin for later;
Christie Burnett is a teacher, presenter, writer and the mother of two. She created Childhood 101 as a place for teachers and parents to access engaging, high quality learning ideas.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
21 Awesome Kids Books About Feelings and Emotions

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
21 books about feelings that can help children learn to identify emotions, their causes and coping strategies for managing big feelings.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
How To Get Unstuck From The Negative Muck: A Kid's Guide To Getting Rid Of Negative Thinking (How To Get Unstuck From The Negative Muck - Series)

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
How To Get Unstuck From The Negative Muck: A Kid's Guide To Getting Rid Of Negative Thinking (How To Get Unstuck From The Negative Muck - Series) [Sullivan Ph.D., Lake] on Amazon.com. *FREE* shipping on qualifying offers.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
No one likes dealing with conflict. But no matter how hard we try to avoid them, arguments, fights and disagreements are a fact of life - for adults and for kids. And not dealing with conflicts when they arise can negatively impact relationships and lead to further interpersonal challenges down the road.

Conflict may not be pleasant, but it doesn't have to feel catastrophic. Teaching kids practical skills to manage it in a healthy way will help them navigate everything from small squabbles (" She took my doll!") to big issues ( "I don't know if I want to be your friend anymore") both now and as they grow up.

Tackle feelings first

Part of what makes conflicts difficult to navigate is the way they bring out big, intense emotions that children may not have the tools to process. Before they can address the problem that caused the conflict - whether it was a fight over a toy or betrayal by friend - kids need to be able to get to a place emotionally where they can think before they act (or lash out and make things worse).

Parents can start by helping kids identify the emotions they're having. Are they feeling anger? Frustration? Hurt? Embarrassment? Stephanie Lee, PsyD, a child psychologist, and Carey Werley, LCSW, a clinical social worker at the Child Mind Institute, recommend using visual tools to help little kids identify what they're feeling.

Visual feelings chart: Typically, this is a chart showing facial expressions that illustrate different emotions. "You can buy magnetized charts, which are a handy addition to the refrigerator and which help kids identify what they're feeling," says Werley.

The stoplight: A visual red, yellow and green stoplight is especially helpful for little kids. "If a little kid looks at the stoplight and points to the red zone, then the feelings are so big that they're probably not going to be able to act in a way that's going to resolve the conflict yet," says Werley. "Yellow means the intensity of the emotion is beginning to subside and by the time they get to green, they're going to be able to engage in actual conflict resolution skills. It's about helping kids to not act in a way that's going to make the situation bigger or worse."

The emotion thermometer: Easily Googleable, the emotion thermometer is simply a picture of a thermometer with numbers. When conflicts come up, kids can look at the emotion thermometer to assess where they are on it. Based on the number, the child can decide whether they need to calm down before proceeding. Tweens and teens who've learned these techniques can simply visualize the stoplight or thermometer in their minds in order to assess their emotional state.

When emotions are still intense, it's not the right time to problem-solve about the conflict itself. Help kids come up with a toolbox of coping skills to use if they need to calm down in the heat of the moment. This might mean splashing cold water on your face, taking some deep breaths or playing with a pet.

Pinpoint the source of the conflict

Once big emotions have cooled down, the next step is figuring out exactly what the problem is. Sometimes kids, especially younger ones, don't have the emotional awareness to identify the original source of the conflict. They might need your help to understand why they're fighting. For example, if your child and their friend are squabbling over a toy, the issue might be much deeper, explains Werley. "It could actually be that one of them made a new friend and the other feels left out," she says.

Helping kids get to the root of the issue will make it easier for them to resolve what's actually wrong. It will also give them tools to identify and talk about similar problems when they come up again. Older kids starting in grade school and middle school are more likely to have the language to identify the source of the conflict, so with a little guidance they can learn to use these skills independently going forward.

Brainstorm solutions

Once kids understand what the issue is, you can help them practice finding solutions. Little kids in particular will need a grown-up's guidance here, but even older kids and teenagers can benefit from having someone to bounce ideas of off.

For any age, Dr. Lee suggests brainstorming several solutions then putting your heads together to pick the best one. For younger kids, she recommends a couple of ways to structure this conversation:

Problem-solving baseball: This exercise takes kids through the processing of thinking up and evaluating possible action plans. "I have kids pitch me a problem and then we go through the bases," Dr. Lee explains. "So, first base is what's my problem? Second base is what are some potential options? Third base identifies the best options. And home plate is, am I safe or out? Did I pick the right one? The object is to help even very young kids start to understand what is going to get them closest to their goal."

The smiley face rating: Lee suggests asking your child to come up with possible conflict resolution options and then asking, "Is this behavior going to make you feel better or worse or pretty much the same?" Note the answer using a visual rating: smiley face, frowny face, neutral? "And then we look at all of our smiley ratings to help us decide which one is the best option. But also explain to them that it's not just about how you feel, it's about whether or not it's going to help you to reach your goal."

Of course, the tricky thing here is that it's usually hard to know what the best option really is. And that's okay! Let kids know that the goal is to make your best effort, not to solve everything perfectly right away. They might have to go back to the drawing board if their first plan doesn't pan out - often, that's just part of the process. "You also want to jump in and praise your child for trying those skills even if things didn't work out as they had hoped," says Dr. Lee. "Give them credit and then help them navigate from there. And when they do figure it out, make a big deal out of that."

Get some perspective

Conflicts often feel enormous and immediate, which can make it hard to keep perspective on the situation. To find useful solutions, it's important for kids to practice taking a mental step back. A few tips you can encourage kids to keep in mind include:

Think beyond this one incident. If a close friend tells a secret you trusted them with, it's natural to be upset. But does that really mean that the friendship is over? Encourage your child to consider the rest of their relationship with the person they're in conflict with, and remind them that one behavior doesn't define the entire person.

Put yourself in the other person's shoes. "You want to really work on acknowledging what the other person is saying," says Werley. "even if you don't totally understand why they're feeling that way or don't agree with the way that they're describing the situation." Imagining what the other person is feeling is a great way to help kids develop empathy. Depending on the situation, it might also make sense for your child to talk over the issue with the other person and make a point of listening actively - without interrupting. Practicing these skills can help kids resolve conflicts in the short term and become more empathetic in the long term.

Consider the context. The time and place of the conflict will often dictate how kids respond to it, as will the nature of their relationship to the other person. In particular, Dr. Lee notes that it's important for kids to know that conflicts with adults will often look different from conflicts with other kids. For example, a child who gets angry with a teacher during class might have to sit with those feelings until it's possible to set up a private meeting with the teacher. Taking a step back to consider all the dynamics of a situation will set kids up to navigate the conflict more successfully.

Practice effective communication

In order to resolve a conflict, kids need to learn to communicate their feelings clearly, without lashing out or making accusations. It's tough to practice communication skills when tensions are running high, so consider talking over these skills with kids when they're not already in the midst of a conflict. Then, you can provide gentle reminders and guidance when things do get heated. Werley and Dr. Lee recommend the following strategies:

Using "I" statements to name feelings. You've heard it before, but it's still true: Saying something like, "I felt embarrassed when you posted that on Instagram" is usually more helpful than something like, "You posted that picture just to embarrass me!"

Writing out talking points. "Even if it's just planning out a conversation in their journal, thinking through what to say ahead of time can help kids get their points across effectively," says Werley.

Role-playing with an adult. "Having a safe space to practice tricky conversations can be a huge help," says Dr. Lee. You can also offer your child insight on nonverbal communication that they might not be aware of - e.g., "What you said was really kind, but I had a harder time appreciating it because you were looking at the ground."

Model what you want to see

One of the most powerful things you can do to help your child learn conflict resolution is to show them how it's done. When you experience a conflict of your own (especially one with your child!), put the techniques described here into practice. When appropriate, you can even talk your child through how you solved the conflict. Seeing you succeed - and make mistakes along the way! - shows kids that solving conflicts really is doable, even when it's hard.

Frequently Asked Questions

What are some tips for conflict resolution in young kids?

How can you help your child with conflict resolution?

What are some good conflict resolution techniques for kids?

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Teaching Kids How to Deal With Conflict - Child Mind Institute

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Teaching kids practical skills to manage conflict in a healthy way will help them navigate everything from small squabbles to big issues.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Multicultural and Social Justice Books - Social Justice Books

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Curated Booklists Carefully selected multicultural and social justice books for children, young adults, and educators on 90+ topics. Reviews of Children's Literature Critical reviews of children's and young adult books from a variety of vetted sources, consolidated here for easy access. Articles & News Articles about selecting children's literature and news about Kid Lit.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Social and Emotional Learning: Strategies for Parents

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
There are many ways parents can encourage emotionally intelligent behavior in their children. Check out this guide to resources for learning more about character development.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Growth Mindset (1 of 5) | Social Emotional Learning for kids

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Sesame Street: Janelle Monae - Power of Yet

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Make Ordinary TV Shows Extraordinary with Open-Ended Questions – Children’s Creativity Museum

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
What is it like to be a pig? What makes someone a superhero? Is a hotdog a sandwich?

# data[].attributes.body
Growth mindset posters in the 4th grade hallway

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Social-Emotional Learning Programs | Second Step

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Discover Second Step, an evidence-based social-emotional learning curriculum that fosters students’ emotional intelligence, empathy, and problem-solving skills.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Helping Kids Who Struggle With Executive Functions - Child Mind Institute

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Learning specialists discuss how to help kids who have problems with executive functions stay organized and on top of their responsibilities.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
What to Do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Anxiety (What-to-Do Guides for Kids)

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
What to Do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Anxiety (What-to-Do Guides for Kids) [Dawn Huebner, Bonnie Matthews] on Amazon.com. *FREE* shipping on qualifying offers. What to Do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Anxiety (What-to-Do Guides for Kids)