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Hi Lauryn! I read your essay and I absolutely loved it. Something I think you could work on is with the amount of transition word to used. I think those could’ve improved, but I loved that you included at least all of the paragraphs and you made sure to have the, essay makes sense so I just think it’s a great essay and you did a great job so yeah 🥴.

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Hi Lauryn! I really liked your writing. I was impressed by the way you were able to be so direct with the reader. It made me fell as if you were talking to me and that’s a good thing. I also really liked the way you repeated your claim. You made sure you repeated your theme throughout your piece. It kept me from forgetting what you were trying to tell me through your piece. Lauryn, I really liked your piece but I would suggest even though we had little time to write make sure to include everything. As I read your fist few sentences I relized you had no timestamps and you had personal pronouns. Having no personal pronouns and timestamps where required and you didn’t do that. Apart from that your piece was really good.

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hi Lauren I liked your word choice  And how you said   Obviously. Obviously is my favorite word. I think this proves your point that this is obvious. I also liked your claim .   This is because it was very easy to agree with. Another thing with the claim is that the word choice was good. But one thing I wish is if your evidence had time stamps. You could have added the point in time these things happened at.

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Hi Lauren! I think you did a great job on your essay. I love the word choice and also, I love the fact that you had length and you also had good craftsmanship. I could ask you to work a little bit harder on the description and like the details. But overall great job.

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Hola Lauryn 🫥, one part i thought was perfect 🤩 was when you said others don’t have to change to fit in with there peers (not word for word) I thought 💭 it was a strength of your piece. Another star 💫 I had was when you said that bullying can’t get to your self esteem and I agree. A few wishes I had was you added more description in your piece. In some parts it felt dry like the Sahara desert or Death Valley with no water.

(No offense) I also thought you could have added more onto the real theme in general for all the life parts.

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Hey Lauryn! Before I say anything, I loved you piece. It was beautiful and you will just keep on getting better and better. You added a lot of detail into your piece. But one thing I think you need to improve on it thoroughly explaining what was happening in you piece.

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Alana (two stars and a wish for on demand peice)

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Alana (two stars and a wish for on demand peice)

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Hi Lauryn! A strength in your on demand essay that I was able to understand what you were trying to say in your essay because you made it clear to the reader. Also, I like your introduction as well. Although, there were some minor mistakes. The error that came up the most was your spelling/ punctuation errors. I found that in some areas of your essay you put the punctuation out of the dialogue. I also some spaces where they weren't needed, and some un-highlighted words. Overall your piece was amazing.

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⭐️I liked the changes that you made to your annotation based on my chum chat comments. It really improved your essay and helped the reader to better understand your topic. It paints a better picture in my head that I didn’t get before. ⭐️I really liked how you got the message across to the reader without necessarily shouting it at the reader's face. It was able to stick to me and I was able to read without feeling like I was being scolded. 🧞‍♂️In parts of your essay I felt it didn’t make much sense. For instance you said, “…when kids aren’t given the choice on what to wear they can’t wear “ What also confused me was it seemed in some parts that you switched sides. You started saying even though kids get bullied some times from their clothing choices kids hate uniforms. Overall your essay was great, but maybe go back and fix some punctuation and clarify some stuff.

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I absolutely love the essay! I really cannot find anything that is wrong! 10/10

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Hey Lauryn! A strength in your essay I found was you had great word choice! In the second CEES paragraph, I liked how you said that they shouldn’t be having to wear things like that a lady or a man had to wear. But I thought that you could explain more of why you want the reader to agree with what you are trying to say

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Hi, Lauryn! A strength in your narrative is your examples . For example when you said “The perfume was like gasoline on a highway.” I liked the examples you used because they were very similar to what you were talking about.However I did see 1 or 2 misspelled words, like when you said wierd, I think you maybe should have looked more carefully when reading your story 4 times, and also there is spell check so you probably should have looked through to see any words that may have had spell check on them. Aswell as spelling I did notice a lot of wrong punctuation which can be hard to do but there was a lot of it which I felt like also could have been a bit better if you read it more carefully. I also saw that there was no title, so for my beginning star I could not include the title since your story is unnamed. Lastly I think you could have added a few more details to really help the reader understand the story better, and feel like they are there with you because I was a bit lost while reading. Overall great job!

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Hi Lauryn! I read your narrative and I love it! It was very descriptive and I felt like I was there! The ending was just amazing! But I do think that you could have been able to revise it 1 more time and fix the last mistakes so I can only give you a 2. BUT I LOVED IT!!!!!!!!

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I liked the details you added, they are very good, I don’t really know how explain wh but I really enjoyed your details they were my favorite part. I loved your inner thoughts. They were very good. They made me feel sad though I jumped inside your mind. You also made me feel as though I was there beside you. However I felt as though you were going too fast. As I was reading it was hard to grasp what was happening because you were going too fast. I also did see some lowercase “i’s” and I think that you should have checked your capitalization. Also I think you forgot to delete a part where it said “(Add  an inner thought to show what you’re thinking)” but i may be wrong.

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Ok… soooo… that was amazing. I never knew that you could write like that! I honestly don’t have anything bad to say! The end…😘!

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something from your memoir I liked was when you included you shot out from the slide. Another thing I really liked was when you said you zoned out and I don’t know whether that means passed out or just zoned out but I liked that detail. Lastly I wished you included where it was and what slide you went on even though I think you mean the 15 ft. Tall drop water slide at mountain creek.