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If you find any broken links or want to feedback on anything else on this padlet. We'd be happy to have it please click on link above.

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Sleep problems can happen to all children, but they're even more common in neurodivergent children and young people. Lack of sleep can have a huge impact on your child or young person's mood, behaviour, and their ability to learn.

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Things that can affect your child's sleep

Every child and young person is different and have different needs. There are lots of different things that can affect your child or young person's sleep.

Creating a good sleeping space

It's important to create an environment that's good for sleeping in. Cluttered and overstimulating rooms can be hard for children and young people to relax in.

Some ways you can create a good sleeping environment for your child or young person:

Make sure the room is dark enough. If the room is too bright it can be hard to fall asleep. You can buy blackout curtains or blinds to make the room darker. This can be helpful in summer when it's light for longer.

Make sure the room isn't too dark. Some children and young people are scared of the dark or find it hard to sleep in a very dark room. You can use a small nightlight or leave the door ajar.

Avoid having a TV or computer in the bedroom. It's harder to monitor and restrict TV and computer use if your child or young person has a TV or computer in their bedroom.

Make sure comfort items are close. Cuddling a favourite soft toy or blanket can be relaxing and comforting. Try to keep it close to their bed so they can easily cuddle it at night.

Check the room temperature is not too hot or too cold. It's recommended the best temperature is between 16C to 20C.

Make sure your child has a clean, dry bed with suitable bedding. Bedding includes pillows, a duvet and covers. Allowing your child to choose their own bedding may encourage them to sleep in their own room.

Use a heavy or weighted blanket or a compression sheet. If your child or young person feels comforted by deep pressure exercises or wearing heavy clothes, a heavy or weighted blanket or compression sheet may help.

For weighted blankets, we advise that the maximum weight used must be no more than 10% of your child's body weight.

Your child must be supervised while under the weighted blanket and they must be able to remove the weighted blanket or get free from the weighted blanket themselves to avoid overheating. Weighted blankets are a suffocation risk, keep your child's head and neck uncovered. If the weighted blanket is used at night, we recommend that it doesn't hang over the bed sides and that it's removed when your child or young person is asleep.

Adding a night clock can help children know when it is night time and what is expected of them.

Getting ready for sleep

It's important to set up a bedtime routine for your child or young person. Bedtime can be really stressful for neurodivergent children and young people. A bedtime routine will help them understand what is coming up next. This will help them to relax and be ready for sleep.

For some children and young people, having a visual reminder like a timetable can be helpful. It can help them mentally prepare for the upcoming tasks.

Neurodivergent children are more likely to be over sensitive or under sensitive to their senses. Bedtime routines can be stressful for sensitive children as they involve lots of different senses which can be overwhelming and stressful. It can make some tasks like washing or brushing their teeth harder.

You can find lots of different strategies to try with your child or young person to help them with their bedtime routine.

Helping your child to settle at night

For some children, it can be distressing when a parent leaves whilst they are falling asleep. This is more likely if your child has gotten used to you being with them as they fall asleep. It's also more likely for young children and neurodivergent children. They may not understand why things are changing.

Take things at your child's pace. Some parents have found the 'camping out' method helpful. It encourages children to settle themselves with as little distress as possible.

1. Place a chair or mattress next to your child's bed.

2. Gently and quietly stroke or pat them until they fall asleep, and then leave the room.

3. Once your child starts falling asleep like this, slowly reduce the amount you pat or stroke them. This will usually take around 3 days.

4. Every 3 days, try to reduce the amount you pat or stroke your child. This will help your child to get used to fall asleep without patting or stroking.

5. Once your child is able to fall asleep without patting or stroking. Gradually move your chair or mattress further away towards the door. Do this every 3 days.

6. If your child wakes in the night, try to settle them using the approach that you have been using at bedtime.

7. Try to be quiet and avoid eye contact when it's time for your child to sleep or they won't settle. They may think it's a signal for play-time.

Unfortunately, there is no magic solution to help all children settle at night. Sometimes it may take weeks or even months before your child is able to settle themselves to sleep. Do not to feel bad about it. All children are unique. There are other methods out there to try.

Common sleep issues

There are some sleep issues that are more common in neurodivergent children.

Help for parents

Sometimes it can feel overwhelming, especially when dealing with a lack of sleep. There is help available for you, and it is important to look after the whole family's health as well as the child's.

Sleep deprivation can have a huge effect on everyone's physical and mental health. Here are some useful strategies you can try.

Sharing night-time duties with a partner, family or friend if they can help.

Resting when you can. Try to sleep when your child sleeps if possible.

Eating well, exercising, and looking after your mental health. Strategies such as mindfulness and meditation can help.

Talking to professionals who can help, such as your child's health visitor, school nurse or a GP.

Online sleep workshops

Teenage sleep workshop

Parent sleep awareness workshop

Last reviewed: 27 November, 2024

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Sleep for neurodivergent children and young people

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Discover advice about sleep for neurodivergent children and young people, including things that affect your child's sleep and creating a good sleep space.

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Looking after your own wellbeing is one of the most important things you can do for the wellbeing of the whole family. You are the most important person in your child’s life, championing their wellbeing needs every day. For this to be sustainable, it’s really important that you find ways to look after your own wellbeing needs too.

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From charity Cerebra, designed to help you think about how you can carve out more time for yourself, plan activities that you enjoy and spend time with people that support your wellbeing.

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Our role as caregivers is not to enforce or control, but to teach and guide (Oct 25)

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Our role as caregivers is not to enforce or control, but to teach and guide (Oct 25)

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When children feel unsafe, their brains can't learn. Thinking about the needs behind behavior can change how we respond.

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Discipline means ‘to teach,’ not punish. When children feel unsafe, their brains can’t learn. Reflecting on the need behind behavior can change how we respond.

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What Kids Really Need When They Mess Up (Nov 25)

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What Kids Really Need When They Mess Up (Nov 25)

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True resilience grows through connection during struggles, not isolation.

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Beyond “F* Around and Find Out” Parenting

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FAFO teaches ‘you’re on your own’ when kids need support most. True resilience grows through connection during struggles, not isolation.

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You’re Already Doing Circle of Security (You Just Don’t Know It)

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You’re already practicing Circle of Security every day. Learn to recognize the natural attachment patterns happening in your family right now.

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Self-care doesn't have to be a spa day! (although that would be nice too!)

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Self-care doesn't have to be a spa day! (although that would be nice too!)

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Ways to put yourself first

Give yourself permission

It is very easy, as a parent or carer, to prioritise the needs of your family and others ahead of your own wellbeing. But taking time for yourself is not selfish. Everybody needs space to unwind and relax, and giving yourself permission to take some time to recharge your batteries means that you will hopefully have more energy and patience to meet the needs of your family. Start by trying to give yourself 10 minutes each day where you can just sit down, have a cup of tea and take a breather.'

You often get told to give some time for yourself. This doesn't need to be outside of the house. You can do this however you want, even if its going to the next room and eating some chocolate. '

Be kind to yourself

If you're looking at this page there's a pretty good chance you're struggling at the moment. It may be that you also feel bad about yourself and feel as if you're failing. If this is happening it can help to have a think about how you 'talk' to yourself. We're sometimes much harder on ourselves in our own thoughts than we would be to anyone else we speak to. Imagine that it's a friend who's in your situation right now instead of you. How would you comfort them? How would you encourage them? Can you speak encouragingly to yourself too?
'When things aren't going well, I often blame myself. I'm learning to notice when I do it and to try to be kind and gentle with myself. I tell myself I'm doing my best instead of that I'm failing.'
Ways to get things done

Make a to-do list

At times you might find that your 'list of things to do' can build up. This could be general errands, shopping for vital items, or general admin. If these tasks are weighing on your mind compile a to-do list that you can tick off as you go along prioritising those activities which need to be done that day or week. This includes setting aside quality time with your children and time for yourself. Just seeing everything written down may help make things seem more manageable and identify things which really aren't urgent. And remember it is fine and healthy to sometimes have a downday.
'I've had to learn how to not feel guilty about not getting everything I wanted to get done. A mixture of self-compassion and having realistic expectations to begin with.'
Ask for help

Asking for help from others can sometimes feel as if we're failing as a parent or carer but parenting can be tough and reaching out for support is nothing to feel ashamed of. Whether it's minding your child for a short time to allow you to get things done or running a small errand for you, friends and family will often be happy to help and children and young people can also benefit from knowing there are other trusted adults in their life that your family can turn to. Depending on the age of the child, you can also ask them to complete age-appropriate tasks to help around the house to relieve you of some of the everyday tasks.
'It's so important to take help where you can. Try to be specific about the help you need and when you need it as this will often help others know what is required and how they can help.'
Ways to look after yourself

Maintain energy levels
'Making time to exercise is really important even if its just walking around the block with your baby in a pram.' 'My partner would often have to work late so every now and again I would ask a friend to babysit whilst I slept upstairs knowing my children were safe and entertained downstairs.'
Looking after your physical health can have a positive impact on your mental and emotional wellbeing. A healthy and balanced diet can help how you feel physically and avoiding certain foods can help if you're feeling low or anxious. Regular exercise doesn't need to mean running 5ks but may include regular walks,

or visualisation.

Prioritise sleep
'It's important to have your own voice and to not let others tell you what you should be doing or what you need.'
Balanced sleep is really important for good mental health but it can also be a really useful self-care tool for when you need a break to get away from your thoughts or situation for a bit. Trying to establish good sleep routines for your children can be the first step to giving you time at night to relax and allow you to get a good night sleep for yourself. This may be harder with babies and infants but even with older children you may benefit from allowing yourself a power nap in the daytime whilst they are at school.

Ways to stay connected
'As much as I love my phone and everything I use it for, I feel like I'd be much less anxious without it.'
Check in with friends

Maintaining good relationships with friends and family is one of the most important factors in maintaining good mental health. New 'parent friends' can be great for both you and your children but sometimes old friends are the only ones who you can really confide in, have a laugh with, and make you feel better about yourself. Of course, meeting face-to-face may not always be possible but scheduling a regular call once your children are in bed or doing their homework can make all the difference.
'Doing something that I love and that I've loved since before I had children helps me to feel energised and more 'myself'. It's good to remember who I am outside of being a parent.'
Say 'no' to things

Often when we're struggling, it may feel hard to balance how we're feeling with the expectations that may be placed on us by ourselves or our family. There is lots of advice about setting healthy boundaries and interpersonal effectiveness worksheets online which can help you communicate your needs without seeming aggressive or feeling guilty about neglecting the needs of others. Remember you have the right to say yes or no without having to explain your reasons.

Ways to create free time in your diary

Sometimes a 24/7 engagement with instant messaging and social media can feel a bit relentless and stressful. Some people say they stay on devices out of habit. Just as you might limit your children's time on devices, try to set a time when you will put the phone down and unwind with your family. You can also curate your social media by only following accounts that make you feel good and blocking or ignoring accounts which may make you feel angry, low or depressed. Limiting use of devices can also help you have 'good sleep' which in turn can help with your energy levels and mental wellbeing.

Remember your passions

Before you became a parent of carer, you may have had hobbies or passions which have fallen by the wayside. Finding time to engage in activities which you enjoy can boost your self-esteem and have a positive impact on your own wellbeing. Whether its baking, crafting, creative writing, or drawing and painting, there are many activities you can do at home that needn't cost too much and can give you a sense of pride when the activity is complete. Of course, you may prefer to join a choir or local drama group or even just taking time to listen to music that you like rather than what your kids like can prove beneficial.

Additional support

Whilst self-care is important, it is important to recognise that if you are struggling as a parent or carer with your mental health and wellbeing that you know that there is help and support out there for you. Your GP should be able to offer help and support and, if necessary, refer you to an adult mental health service. Where possible, try to talk to a trusted friend or relative so they are also aware of how you're feeling and can check in on you. The below organisations also offer crisis support for parents and carers:

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Guidance on the importance of self-care for parents and carers

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Join an online event for families of autistic people to learn, reflect and work together, sharing knowledge and skills, including virtual meet-ups, education family guide sessions and reflective sessions.

Sessions include looking at burnout, fatigue, grief and supporting your wellbeing.

All events are free NHS England commissioned sessions delivered by Anna Freud and are peer-led and co-produced, grounded in lived experience and research.

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Talk to people who share similar experiences to yours by joining a workshop, drop-in session, coffee morning or virtual meeting. Each session is delivered by parents and carers of autistic people who are happy to share their knowledge and experience with others.

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Blog about ways of looking after yourself when you care for a child with Autism (but equally relevant for any neurodivergence)

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Looking after yourself as a parent or carer | Autism Central

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When you are looking after the needs of someone else, it can be difficult to remember to look after yourself. However, it’s important that you set aside time to participate in activities you enjoy and do things just for you. Read more about wellbeing for parents and carers.

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Jan 26: Why is delight in me so important

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Jan 26: Why is delight in me so important

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Delighting in who your child is, not what they do, builds lasting self-worth.

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There's a moment every parent knows intimately: a child looks up, eyes bright and searching, after stacking the final block or finishing their drawing.

There's that smile and then, almost automatically, "Good job!"

It's warm, well-intentioned, and genuinely loving. But it's worth pausing to consider, what is a child learning in that moment?

What Children Really Need: Being Seen, Not Evaluated

Research shows that when children consistently receive generic praise, those "Good jobs," and "You're so smart" responses, they often begin focusing more on earning approval than on their own experience of discovery.

But when adults share what they notice, "You kept trying even when it was tricky," "You used lots of color there," children develop stronger intrinsic motivation and self-worth. They learn to find satisfaction within themselves rather than depending solely on external validation.

Here's what's crucial: this isn't about praise being harmful. It's about recognizing that beneath every "Look at me!" moment is a deeper need, the fundamental human need to be truly seen and delighted in.

The Circle of Security Difference

In Circle of Security, we understand that when a child seeks our connection, they're asking something much deeper than "Did I do well?"

They're asking: "Do you see me? Am I enough? Do you hold me in your mind?"

Young children experience themselves through our eyes. They come to know their worth by seeing it reflected in our faces. In moments of shared delight, we communicate something profound: "You are lovable and worthy, exactly as you are."

This distinction, between delighting in who your child is versus what your child does, changes everything.

Should I Stop Saying "Good Job"?

Absolutely not. You're not going to harm your child if you say "good job."

One of Circle of Security's core principles is that good enough parenting, not perfect parenting, is what builds security. If "good job" bubbles up in a moment of real joy and connection, trust that. Your warmth and delight matter more than your exact words.

The shift we're inviting is subtle but powerful: let your delight in your child lead, rather than your evaluation of their performance. And as research tells us, tune into your child's needs in the moment and respond to that. If it's something they've worked hard on, show them you noticed that effort.

When Delight Leads: The Power of Presence

Here's something remarkable about delight: it's primarily expressed without words at all.

Your child reads your face like a beloved book. They see the softness in your eyes, the genuine smile that reaches those eyes, the way your whole being seems to say, "I am so glad to be here with you." These nonverbal messages carry far more weight than any words we choose.

When delight leads, our words become less important than our presence. Whether we say "good job" or "wow" or say nothing at all, what our child receives is the deeper message: "You bring me joy. Being with you is a gift to me."

Trust What You Already Know

Caregivers already know how to delight in their children-it's often our very first response. The invitation isn't to learn new skills but to trust what you already know: that your genuine enjoyment of your child is one of the most powerful gifts you can offer.

True self-esteem doesn't come from being told we're good. It comes from the deep, repeated experience of being genuinely enjoyed by the people who matter most to us.
Research References:

1. The Effects of Praise on Children's Intrinsic Motivation: A Review and Synthesis

2. The Role of Descriptive and Non-Specific Outcome-Oriented Praise in Child Self-Esteem: A Multiphase, Multimethod Investigation

3. The Effects of Praise on Children's Intrinsic Motivation Revisited

Learn More About Delighting in Your Child: Delight in Me: The Origins of Self-Worth Research Spotlight: Parental Warmth in Childhood Echoes for a Lifetime Find a Circle of Security Parenting Facilitator
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Delighting in who your child is, not what they do, builds lasting self-worth.

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Is Shark Music Useful When Working with Neurodivergent Families?

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For families where neurodivergence is part of the picture, Shark Music makes room for the realities of sensory overload, advocacy fatigue, and feeling isolated.

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Helping turn down the shark music's volume

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Helping turn down the shark music's volume

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This video is one that a recent attendee of a group found helpful in attending too and overcoming their shark music.

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Peter Attia | Imagine You Are 80 Years Old

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"If you want to be sad, honey, be sad. We'll ride it out with you. And when you get finished feeling sad, we'll still be there"

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Core Sensitivities are fundamental patterns of defense we all employ to navigate relational pain. This brief introduction explores the three sensitivities: separation, esteem, and safety and how they show up in our everyday lives.

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If you are looking at this padlet then you are about to start or have started a Circle of Security Group either online or face to face at the Child Development Centre, Plymouth. Welcome! I'll explain how to use it in our first group session, but in case you forget...

How a padlet works...

Scroll across to find the section relevant to you:

Current dates

Group contact details

Books for you and your child

Additional Helpful Resources

Sessions 1-8

Feedback link

Then scroll up or down within each section to see the resources we have put together.

Clicking on a picture in the box will either take you to a word document, image, video or webpage.

When you have finished, click the X in the top left hand side to come back to the padlet to find more information.

You should be able to right click on the text and select read aloud if that helps.

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Love this - great example of how being with helps big feelings (and how tempting it is to try and fix, distract or avoid recognising that feeling!)

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Love this - great example of how being with helps big feelings (and how tempting it is to try and fix, distract or avoid recognising that feeling!)

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The wonderful @Gen Muir from Connected Parenting on the three steps you can implement to manage your toddler’s big feelings. Toddlers are amazing, inquisitive and funny. But they’re also full of very BIG feelings, which is the topic we explore on this weeks episode of the Wiggle Talk podcast for parents. From cutting a banana the wrong way to not playing enough with them, the smallest thing can impact how they’re feeling.  So how do you help them learn to regulate that?  Gen Muir is an experienced Parent Educator, Obstetric Social Worker, and the founder of Connected Parenting.  She has a deep passion for helping families navigate the complexities of modern parenting by fostering secure attachments and strong connections.  Gen combines her professional expertise with personal experience as a mother of four boys, helping parents with practical strategies to handle raising children's emotional ups and downs.  She’s also written a book called ‘Little People, Big Feelings’, and gives us some fantastic tips we can all implement to help our little people through these emotions. Listen now wherever you get your podcasts 🎧 Wiggle Talk is proudly presented by @young.academics Early Learning Centre . . . . . #parenting #toddler #wiggletalk #podcast #thewiggles #genmuir #momsoftiktok #tantrum #emotions #tantrums  #parents #parenthood #fyp 

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@thewiggles
The wonderful @Gen Muir from Connected Parenting on the three steps you can implement to manage your toddler’s big feelings. Toddlers are amazing, inquisitive and funny. But they’re also full of very BIG feelings, which is the topic we explore on this weeks episode of the Wiggle Talk podcast for parents. From cutting a banana the wrong way to not playing enough with them, the smallest thing can impact how they’re feeling. So how do you help them learn to regulate that? Gen Muir is an experienced Parent Educator, Obstetric Social Worker, and the founder of Connected Parenting. She has a deep passion for helping families navigate the complexities of modern parenting by fostering secure attachments and strong connections. Gen combines her professional expertise with personal experience as a mother of four boys, helping parents with practical strategies to handle raising children's emotional ups and downs. She’s also written a book called ‘Little People, Big Feelings’, and gives us some fantastic tips we can all implement to help our little people through these emotions. Listen now wherever you get your podcasts 🎧 Wiggle Talk is proudly presented by @young.academics Early Learning Centre . . . . . #parenting #toddler #wiggletalk #podcast #thewiggles #genmuir #momsoftiktok #tantrum #emotions #tantrums #parents #parenthood #fyp
♬ original sound - The Wiggles

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Lots of helpful resources for schools, parents and young people. Including comic books for children to understand neurodiversity.

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Neurodiversity Celebration Week aims to bring about worldwide neurodiversity acceptance, equality and inclusion in schools and workplaces.

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This is a short blog I was asked to write on my experiences of using Circle with caregivers of Neurodivergent children. They mainly wanted to understand it from the Autism perspective which is the main focus. Watch this space for a part 2 on Shark music!

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How Can COSP Support Parents of Neurodivergent Children?

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4 Ways COSP Supports Parents of Neurodivergent Children People often ask if Circle of Security Parenting (COSP) is helpful for caregivers of neurodivergent children. Here's the good news: All humans have a fully functioning attachment system. For neurodivergent children, the expression of attachm

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Often in the group we talk about how the current education system is not supportive of neurodivergent brains. Naomi Fisher is a clinical psychologist who talks a lot about this, has written books and who has low cost webinars on her webpage. Take a look if you are interested. There are also lots of free videos you can watch on the internet of her talking about her experiences of home education.

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Dr Naomi Fisher is an independent clinical psychologist and EMDR-Europe trainer. She specialises in trauma, autism and alternative approaches to education. She works with children, adolescents and adults.

She is the author of Changing our Minds: How Children Can Take Control of their Own Learning (Robinson, 2021) and A Different Way to Learn: Neurodiversity and Self-Directed Education (JKP, 2023).

She runs regular webinars and mini courses. They combine psychological theory and evidence with ideas which you can put into practice right away.

If you are a mental health professional, you can sign up for Naomi's EMDR training or refresher days.

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Naomi Fisher specialises in trauma, autism and alternative approaches to education. She runs webinars and online courses for parents. She runs training for professionals, including EMDR therapists.

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Communicating Love & Acceptance!

If you are a parent or teacher, you are a significant other in the child’s life.  You are his protector, provider, and mentor.  We have already discussed how autistic individuals experience continuous stress and anxiety over their strong sensory, cognitive, and social challenges.  Their nervous systems are continually taxed on “high alert” and on guard.  It is tough to feel “safe and accepted” when they are close to fight or flight.   Suspiciousness and apprehension permeate their daily routine. For the child to feel “safe” with you, and trust following your lead, you need to communicate clear understanding and acceptance, while validating their feelings and vulnerabilities.  They need to view you as a “companion” and “working partner” with them.

To feel safe in your presence, you need to understand and support their vulnerabilities (sensory, cognitive, social, emotional, etc.) and accept them for who they are.      We need to meet the children where they are at.  Accept, value, and seek to understand how they see the world and continue to seek understanding of what they are attracted to and feel safe with.   These are the children’s comfort zones, where they feel safe and competent.  Know what sensory preferences they are attracted to, what interaction strategies they feel the safest with, what tends to calm and soothe them, and what activities they feel the most competent engaging in.  Identify, respect, and value these comfort zones to validate the child; helping them feel safe and accepted by you.  Only then can they begin to feel “safe” engaging and sharing experiences with you.

It is important that your child feels loved and loving to feel safe “relating” with you.  For children on the spectrum, feeling “loved and loving” often looks much different than for neurotypical children.  They may express love by smelling your hair, lightly tapping you, or snuggling tightly into you.   They may avoid physical affection, but love to chant, repeat the ABCs, or sing with you.  Usually, the way to the young ones’ hearts is through their senses.  Include yourself in their preferred sensory attraction, and they will become drawn to you.

At first, you may have to follow their lead, become part of their world, and simply “hang with them,”; providing no direction, just being there.   Be safe, non-judgmental, and nondirective.  Allow them to feel safe in your presence, to feel valued for simply being them.  Show enthusiasm for what they value and become part of their play and exploration.  Help them feel safe and engaged with you.  This may take a lot of work, over numerous opportunities, to gain their trust.  However, the child will not learn to relate with you until he feels safe engaging with you.

This series on “Teaching Relating Skills” can be found in the blue book, “Autism Discussion Page on the Core Challenges of Autism.”

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A welcoming space for all Circle graduates, this is an online space to join together to celebrate success, share circle stories and to be the hands to support others on their circle journey’s. Our next session is:

Tuesday 9th June 2026 at 1000-1100

Microsoft Teams meeting

Join on your computer, mobile app or room device

Click here to join the meeting

Meeting ID: 398 350 813 805
Passcode: ZN66q9

Download Teams | Join on the web

If you've completed the Circle at the CDC feel free to log on.

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In our last post, we talked about how the mild shame that helps us learn social rules can get twisted into toxic shame when children are punished.

Of course, ALL children will at times feel, want or need something and express it in socially unacceptable ways. So today, let's talk about how we can guide children toward appropriate behavior to get their needs met, without shaming them.

To start, let's experience the effects of mild shame. Try this:

Say YES aloud several times. What do you feel? I smile and feel excited, happy, tingly.

Now say NO aloud several times. What do you feel? My smile dies. My body feels tight, contracted, trapped. I feel a sense of dread. Some people (usually those whose parents were punitive) also feel anger.

That's mild shame. It's not comfortable. Mild shame is nature's way of helping us rein in our impulses so we can stay safe, live well with others, and even attain our goals. Dan Siegel calls it the prefrontal cortex clutch, because it allows us to shift gears from pursuing something we want, to redirecting ourselves to something we want more -- for instance, not to disappoint our parent, or not to be stared at in church because we're making inappropriate noise. All kids need to develop that ability so they can self-regulate.

How do kids develop this internal clutch to shift gears? It's neural wiring, so it takes repeated experience in the brain. Every time you set an empathic limit that your child decides to follow, you're helping him practice.

" You love climbing! But the TV cabinet's not safe for climbing. Let's go outside where you can climb safely." What does the child learn? His impulse to climb is fine. Climbing onto the TV cabinet isn't safe. Climbing outside is fine. Mom and Dad can be relied on to guide him, and to help him switch gears. The child turns and climbs into the parent's arms. (This is probably not the first time he's heard this, so it takes great patience from the parent. But sooner or later, he hears their voice in his head as he begins climbing, and he stops. You might think of it as the beginning of conscience, and self-discipline.)

What if, instead, the parent said: "You know better than to climb on that! You naughty boy! Can't you stop giving me trouble for one minute?" What does he learn? He's naughty, bad, a source of trouble for his parents. The things he wants to do are bad. Exploring is bad, climbing is bad. He should be different; he's not good enough the way he is.

He hears the No. And he feels the mild shame that is the biological result of reining in his impulses. But now that shame is all mixed up with the feeling of being a bad boy who is trouble for his parents. He can't bear that feeling, so he climbs away from them, higher.

Does he WANT to switch gears, to "listen"? Not really. He's already given up on pleasing his parents. Sure, they can haul him off the TV cabinet (and all of us will, since this is a safety issue), but he isn't CHOOSING to follow their lead. So he isn't actually building the neural wiring he needs to switch gears.

Now, his long-suffering mom gives him a timeout, so he'll learn to "listen." As he sits in timeout, does he vow to obey her next time? Not likely. He's overwhelmed with shame. But that feels so unbearable that he'll do anything not to feel it. Instead of showing remorse, he goes numb. Or he lashes out in anger. Instead of taking responsibility for his actions, he blames others. Instead of internalizing the limit his parent set for him -- "That's not okay to do; here's what you can do instead" -- he rebels against that developing voice of conscience in his head and becomes defiant.

Notice that this shame that manifests as defiance comes from both the criticism and the punishment. We can also create shame by ridiculing kids for their feelings or actions, or by making them feel that something about them isn't good enough. These are all common ways we try to "teach" kids -- by shaming them.

Will the child be damaged for life if she's been shamed? No, as long as that was a rare occurrence in the context of unconditional love and acceptance. But if these shaming interactions are repeated throughout childhood, the shame can become toxic; the beginning of a fear of being defective that can shadow us through life. We push it down out of awareness, but we still feel it, so we numb ourselves with over-eating, screen time, overwork, alcohol. Most adults stumble across this repressed shame occasionally -- usually when we feel embarrassed in public -- and find it at least temporarily disabling.

Of course, we can't let our child climb where it's dangerous. And kids are exuberant and strong-willed; they don't always obey our commands, no matter how hard we try to stay connected. So how can we get them cooperating without creating shame?

1. Resist the urge to ridicule, guilt trip or shame in small ways that seem "harmless."

Many of the ways we "guide" children are actually designed to provoke shame. That includes any negative judgment about:

Who the child is: "You'd lose your head if it wasn't glued on!"

What the child wants: "You just want more, more more! You have a whole room full of toys, isn't that enough for you?"

What the child feels: "You do not hate your brother; don't say such terrible things!"

What the child needs: "What? Are you a baby?! Don't you see I have enough to do taking care of your sister?"

Instead, just empathize and set a limit without judging or criticizing.

"You lost your jacket? Oh no! Let's think about where you could have left it. And let's figure out a way for you to check whether you have all your things before you leave someplace."

"That toy looks pretty cool. You really wish you could have it. Sweetie, we're not buying toys today. We can write it on your birthday list and maybe you can have it then, if it's still what you want most."

"Sounds like you're feeling furious at your brother. I understand. You can tell your brother what you want without attacking him."

"Everybody wants to be babied sometimes. You will always be my baby, no matter how big you get. I can't carry you right now, but come here and let me give you a big cuddle."

2. Model the behavior you want.

Kids look to us for guidance to know what's socially acceptable, as long as they respect us. So if they have an impulse that's clearly not what gets done at our house -- peeing on the floor, for instance -- they'll learn to restrain their impulse to pee on the floor. That's developing their internal brake. Conversely, if they see you indulge in being critical and yelling, they won't rein themselves in from criticizing and yelling.

3. Welcome discussion on all issues.

Secrets cause shame, because they give kids the message that something is unspeakable. It's terrific to tell your daughter that you don't even notice her birthmark and she's beautiful, but be sure it's a topic of occasional discussion in your house so she feels comfortable bringing it up. If her experience is that others notice her birthmark and she feels different, but can't share that with you, then she's likely to develop shame about her birthmark. Be age-appropriate in your explanations, but nothing should be off limits for discussion.

4. Guide with empathic limits.

Every time you set an empathic limit, your child practices using his internal clutch to manage his impulses, which means he's developing the neural wiring to manage himself. And the more empathic you are as you set the limit, the more your child will accept the limit, and WANT to shift gears to channel his impulses into more acceptable behavior. Conversely, if he feels judged or criticized, he'll resist your limits and feel ashamed of his own impulses.

5. Resist the urge to punish.

Giving a child the message that she needs to shift gears can be done simply by:

a. Empathizing: "You're showing me how upset you are by yelling. You're so mad about this. This isn't what you wanted."

b. Setting a limit: "No yelling. That hurts my ears."

c. Redirecting the impulse by telling the child what they CAN do: "Tell me in words. I want to hear this, so I can help. We can figure this out."

That's how children learn right and wrong. You never need to show the child they were wrong by punishing them.

Punishment, by definition, is an action with an intent to hurt, either physically or emotionally, in order to teach a lesson. Punishment is effective only to the degree that the child experiences it as painful. So while parents may think they're using "loving discipline" to teach their child, all punishment is experienced as "painful" either emotionally or physically. The child will never experience pain that is purposefully caused by the parent as loving.

In fact, the child will always experience shame. Shame that they aren't good enough. Shame that they couldn't control themselves. Shame that their parents find them lacking.

Punishment intensifies the shame response to toxic levels and sends the clear message that the child is so bad that the people who are supposed to nurture and protect her are intentionally hurting her, either physically or emotionally.

Your child might respond to this by trying very, very hard to be a very good girl, her whole life. (If you think that's a good outcome, have a conversation with an adult like this about her tendency to anxiety or depression.)

Or, she might respond with anger. If you were one of these kids, you might have noticed anger when you did the exercise above and said NO! These kids become defiant and resist their parents' guidance.

Either way, punishment always creates shame. Luckily, you don't need to punish to get your child to cooperate. Connection is a much better motivator, and helps you set more effective limits. The climbing kid is more likely to come down when you call, if there's something he wants more than to climb -- that warm relationship with you.

That's how you raise a child who:

Can manage his feelings so he can manage his behavior.

WANTS to follow your guidance (in other words, is cooperative and has a conscience).

Knows, deep in his bones, that he is more than enough, just the way he is.

Anything less, as my mother in law would have said, is a "shanda" -- "such a shame."

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How to Break the Intergenerational Cycle of Shame

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Here's how to guide children toward appropriate behavior to get their needs met, without shaming them -- and without passing toxic shame down to the next generation.

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We don’t have to pass shame on to the next generation. There’s a better way.

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When emotions are flying in the heat of the storm, it is all about “feeling safe!”  When emotions are high, your number one objective should be helping the child “feel safe!”  When the child is overloaded and melting down, people approaching him can be very intimidating.   Often our first objective is “controlling behavior,” but that usually fuels the fire.   In our own anxiety, we often match the child’s intensity in an attempt to “talk over” them, to immediately stop the rage.  Then, when the child lashes out, we physically try and control the situation.  It is hard for adults; we feel like we need to control the conflict; to stop it.

Try reminding yourself about safety, “feeling safe.”  The first priority is to help the child feel “safe” in their sea of emotions.  This changes your whole approach and demeanor.  You slow down, step softly, approach carefully, and lower your voice.   The more upset the child, the quieter and calmer you must be.  You want to communicate to the child that he is “safe” with you and that you will keep everyone safe!  Don’t question them, don’t try to talk them out of their rage, and don’t try and move them if possible.  Pull everyone else away, give the child space, and say, “It’s ok, you are safe!  You are not going to get hurt; we’ll keep everyone safe.”  Use the word, repeat, “Let’s stay safe.”  Then, based on knowing the child, focus all attention on helping him feel safe.  Whatever that is for the child, giving him space, pulling away stimulation and demands, providing deep pressure massage, letting him rock, singing, soft talking, or simply saying nothing while standing nearby.   Use the strategy that works best for helping that child feel “safe.”  For the children that need their space, I stand nearby and let them know, “I am going to stay here to keep us safe!”  Even if the risk of injury warrants needing to hold the child, I continue to say, “I am just trying to keep us safe.  We are going to sit here until we feel safe.”

At this time, many people want to immediately make the child feel better, not to be upset, to talk them out of it.  I find it is better to allow them to “feel” the emotion, not jump in and make it better.  Simply help them feel safe while experiencing the emotion.  Let it happen; just reinforce feeling safe during the emotion.   Allow them to use whatever soothing techniques work for them.  Do not even try to process what happened until after the storm, and everyone feels safe.  You will find that this type of approach works 90% of the time, allows the child to feel supported during the storm, and feels safe and accepted by those around him.

This series on “Shutdowns and Meltdowns” can be found in the blue book, “Autism Discussion Page on the Core Challenges of Autism.”

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_2?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=Bill+Nason

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Strategies for coping with stress as a parent – The Psychology Mum

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You can’t pour from an empty cup. Try out three well-being activities for parents from Dr Emma Hepburn.

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Window of Tolerance and Fight Flight Freeze

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Window of Tolerance and Fight Flight Freeze

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Although the video talks specifically about trauma, the ideas are just as relevant to children who are neurodivergent (have Autism, ADHD or any other brain that sees the world from a different perspective).

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The Window of Tolerance Animation by Beacon House

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Cambridgeshire County Council SEND Service 0-25

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Cambridgeshire County Council's video 'Why I am rude' - a poem about our perception of 'behaviour'.

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I think this really fits in here with the origins of some of our shark music

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This is a great way to re-connect with children after their school day. It is a firm favourite in our house! Everyone can get involved.

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Getting children to talk about their days isn't always easy.

When I ask my teen children to tell me what's going on in their life, sometimes the response is "Nothing," or "I don't know." Yet when they were younger, my role was much like a cruise director - I had to steer the conversation and keep their little minds on track.

So when Heidi introduced me to a fun and simple way to engage the whole family in conversation you can imagine how excited I was to jump in and give it a try!

High-Low-Buffalo Conversation

They call it "High-Low-Buffalo." Unsure where the title originated, in essence this "game" offers easy on-ramps to conversations. Each person tells a "high" from the day. This might be something as simple as a good grade, a fun treat, helping a friend, wearing a favorite t-shirt, a positive work encounter, being greeted by the family when you got home from work - you get the idea.

Then everyone shares a "low," something not so great about the day.

Finally comes the "buffalo" which is a random thing about the day.

High-Low-Buffalo Opportunities

To see how this works, we invite you to listen to the podcast episode, High-Low-Buffalo, whereHeidi and I shared our highs, lows, and random "buffalos" of the week. As we talked about each category, the conversation naturally prompted us to ask one another questions and allowed us to learn more about one another's hearts and struggles.

The best thing about this concept is that regardless of age, anyone can participate. You might need to prompt or help younger kids, but with some repetition you'll find children eagerly anticipate sharing some part of their day. And for the teens in your life, providing an easy, non-threatening way to engage in conversation with you can be just what they need to share what's going on in their lives.

Plus, the simplicity of the activity makes it fun to do with other families or friends. You could even use this as an icebreaker in your Bible study or church group.

So if you're looking for a way to get the conversation going around the dinner table tonight, give High-Low-Buffalo a try! We'd love to hear how it goes. To get started, share one of your High-Low-Buffalo's in the comments or on the Parenting to Impress Facebook Group.

Listen to Episode #8: Having Fun with the High, Low, Buffalo Conversation Starter ...

Read More:

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High, Low, Buffalo Conversation Starter - Parenting to Impress

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Getting children to talk about their days isn't always easy. Enjoy a fun game of "High-Low-Buffalo" to encourage easy conversation!

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A useful starting point to understand your child's sensory behaviour

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If you have been on a circle group, we'd love to hear your feedback. Use QR code to access a short online survey or click on the link here: https://forms.office.com/e/h6x5rNj4qh

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QRCode for Circle of Security - Participant Survey

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So when kids wrestle, pillow fight, and roughhouse, it's terrific for them. But it isn't always so good for our houses. And parents often worry that sooner or later, someone will get hurt.

Luckily, we can usually find a way to keep things safe. But that takes some attention on our part, and some teaching, over time. We can't just hope for the best; we need to help our children learn how to roughhouse safely. It's our job to notice when our kids are getting riled up in a way that signals danger, and give them the tools to stay safe. Here's how.

1. Set limits BEFORE you get angry. The minute you start getting worried that someone will get hurt, it's a signal to do something. No, not yell. It's time to intervene in a positive way to make sure things are safe. Many parents try so hard to be patient that they let things get out of hand. Next thing you know, someone's crying, and someone (you!) is yelling. That's not the emotional regulation you want to model.

2. Assess the danger. Is it actually dangerous? Maybe the kids are being loud and exuberant, but having a great time and there's no actual danger to anyone, or to your home. Or maybe a small change would make a difference, like moving the bed closer to the dresser so they can jump onto the bed safely. Maybe your children are having a throwing contest with blocks, but you can substitute stuffed animals.

3. Connect before you correct. Yelling across the room will just add to the frenzy. Instead, go physically to your children. When a child is spinning out of control, you can't get through to her unless you move in close in a friendly way. Make a positive connection with your child BEFORE you ask her to do something different. "You two are having lots of fun with this rough-housing, aren't you?"

4. Set Limits. State your rule or expectation, firmly and kindly. "This kind of play doesn't belong in this room. I'm worried that you might roll into the lamp or the TV."

5. Empathize as you offer an alternative, and maybe a choice. "I know it's hard to stop, but this kind of play belongs in the basement on the tumbling mat, or outside. Your choice. Outside? Deal!"

6. Check in with all participants to be sure everyone is enjoying the activity. "Is everyone still having fun with this?" If one of your kids is getting into a frenzy and the other seems a bit tense, you can help them check in with each other. "Jaden, do you see that your brother isn't laughing? Let's stop for a minute and be sure everyone feels safe....Liam, you can tell Jaden to stop whenever you want. Do you want to practice it, right now?"

7. Help kids create safety rules. If you're worried that someone's about to get hurt, try to resist just shutting down the action out of your own anxiety. Instead, help your kids make rules to keep everyone safe: "Play wrestling is great, as long as you have rules to stay safe. What are your rules? Oh, when someone yells 'Stop!' both people have to stop? And no hitting? Those sound like great rules! How are they working so far? Do you need any other rules?"

8. Tears aren't the end of the world. Often, kids do begin to cry when they get a big bump while roughhousing. Sometimes those tears are appropriate to the injury, and your child is ready to get back into the action after a quick hug from you.

Sometimes, though, kids sob wildly, clearly over-reacting. That's a good thing! No, really. It means all that laughter has loosened up the feelings stuffed in their emotional backpack, and they're taking advantage of this owie to share the deeper wounds they can't verbalize. After a good cry, your child will be so much more relaxed and happy, since those emotions will be released from their "emotional backpack."

So instead of feeling like a bad parent because someone got hurt, relax. Take the opportunity to help your child with his big feelings, and be grateful he got a chance to cry. Afterward, ask both kids if they think they need to add any new rules to keep everyone safer next time. You might want to write the rules down and post them, so you can easily remind them next time they start getting wild. (Written agreements have extra power even for kids who can't read.)

9. Help them wind down. Sometimes you do need to redirect to a calmer activity. But often when kids are really wound-up, they're about to melt down. If you sense a melt-down brewing, test it by moving in close and setting a limit"Ok, Bella, time to calm down now. That's enough rowdiness." If she calms down, great! If she bursts into tears, great! Better those feelings should come out by crying in your arms than by her hurting her little brother.

10. Make sure your kids have a safe place to be wild. Like puppies or bear cubs, kids need to roll around, wrestle, climb and jump. Our modern lives don't always offer them that opportunity. If you don't have a yard, or a basement with a tumbling mat, make their room safe for roughhousing, and make sure they get plenty of playtime at the playground or park. If you don't, your couch will start to look a lot like a trampoline, and your lamps will be living dangerously.

Notice how much easier it is when you set the limit BEFORE you get mad? Just calmly, kindly, cheerfully do whatever is necessary to keep the situation safe, from the start.

But don't over-react and just shut down all exuberant play. Wildness is normal for kids. It's usually not an emergency, even if there are some bumps and bruises. Tears aren't the end of the world. And laughter is always transformative.

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Why roughhousing is good for kids, and how to keep it safe.

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Roughhousing is essential for kids. Here’s how they can do it safely.

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Sleep and Anxiety Leaflet final March 2019

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Really interesting reading and lovely approach to neurodiversity - you can check out his facebook page before buying

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Scroll for pictures of us so you know who we are! (photos in order of mention below)

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Wednesday’s  10:00 – 12:00 Face to Face Group to be run at the Child Development Centre, PL2 2PQ

Group Facilitators: Dr George Davis & Dr Em Lewis (Clinical Psychologists) and Christy Chui (Psychology Placement Student)

Starting 14th January 2026 every week for 8 weeks (excluding 1 week for half term)

Thursday's 12:00 – 14:00 Online Group via MS Teams

Group Facilitator: Dr George Davis, Clinical Psychologist and Zoe Haines-Daw (Psychology Placement Student)

Starting 16th January 2026 every week for 8 weeks (excluding 1 week for half term)

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The CoS course but in more detail

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A book about a girl with ADHD behaviours

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Helping children feel safe, accepted, and competent.

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Autism Discussion Page. 233,815 likes · 7,341 talking about this. Helping children feel safe, accepted, and competent.

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01752 435233
Psychological Wellbeing Team Secretary

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The best way to reach us in between sessions is via email...

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plh-tr.wellbeing@nhs.net

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At the end of every Circle of Security Parenting chapter, we like to ask if there was anything surprising from the session. During a group in a prison setting with incarcerated men, a young dad said, "Yeah everything." It was an expression of astonishment and curiosity. "Do other dads know this stuff? But how could you unless you had someone to teach you? It doesn't just come naturally."

This father, who was doing time for assault, described a long-term pattern of aggression and violence. "But I never wanted to be violent, I remember being really terrified of my own dad's aggression growing up and not wanting to be like him. And now here I am, responding in the same way to my own kids." Procedural learning is powerful - we don't just imitate the behaviors of our parents but learn the "rules" for relationship through experience - what is OK and what is not OK to express, which needs and feelings can be shared and how they should be shared. And none of this is conscious - it's a deep 'in-your-bones' sort of knowing.

The Circle can seem intuitive, as if we've always known it, but at the same time completely unfamiliar. As we learn about attachment needs, we often have strong feelings of surprise, hope, sadness, regret, anger, a wish that we had known it already and, often, a wish to have experienced it ourselves as children.

"I thought that because I'm the dad, I'm right. That when my kids challenge me, being a good dad means protecting my position and showing them I am right - that's my duty. Whenever my kids question my decisions or complain when I say "no", it's like I'm wired to get aggressive, to defend my position. I have to be right."

"But of course, this isn't how I want them to see relationships or experience me. Being wrong doesn't have to mean I am weak or not in charge." Making these links allowed this dad to commit to new ways of being as a parent. Bigger, Stronger, Wiser and Kind offered a new map and new way to practice responding to his children's behaviors he found challenging.

Each of us can find surprise in some aspect of Circle of Security Parenting. And while it doesn't always feel good to discover the errors of our ways, new learning opens up new choices we didn't have before.
I invite you to share with me your comments, reflections, Circle stories and experiences with Circle of Security Parenting. Your submissions may be used in future blog posts, with all identifying information excluded, unless you specifically request to be identified. Contact me at brooke[at]circleofsecurityinternational[dot]com.

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At the end of every Circle of Security Parenting chapter, we like to ask if there was anything surprising from the session. During a group in a prison setting with incarcerated men, a young dad said, "Yeah everything." It was an expression of astonishment and curiosity. "Do other dads know this stuff?

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Circle of Security International, Spokane, Washington. 54,479 likes · 613 talking about this. An early intervention program for parents and children

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Loads of helpful blogs and articles to further help on your circle journey.

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Early Intervention Programs for Parents & Children An accessible step-by-step process driven by decades of attachment research Learn More What is Circle of Security Parenting™? Our goal is to engage each parent's wisdom by illustrating how attachment needs are expressed by

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It's common for caregivers to try and connect with their children by asking "how was your day?". Often met with "ok" or "bad" or something similar. This question often puts children on the spot and they are not sure how to answer. These are some alternatives ways you could start a conversation that might be a helpful way of getting that connection.

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T

oday I was playing with my nephew. He's 2 ½ years old. He had the doctor's kit and pulled out the blood pressure monitor, holding the inflation valve against my arm. I asked him if he wanted me to show him how to use it while I reached out to take the cuff to put it around his arm. He pulled away so I offered to put it on my arm. I watched his body shrink, he seemed to deflate, turning his body away from me, looking down.

In that moment I got it - this is rupture. I saw my misattunement. I had taken over, taking charge of his play instead of following his need for me to enjoy with him. In this moment I had taken my Hand off the Top of the Circle and was no longer supporting his exploration. But here's the good news. He let me know, and I could use the Circle to see his behavior as communication and make sense of his response. It was both subtle and at the same time so clear. The Circle of Security.

And here's even more good news. Because I could recognize the moment I took my Hand off his Circle as a rupture with my nephew, it gave me the opportunity to repair. So, I said, "You were showing me, and I took over. You wanted to use it on me, and I took it off you. I'm sorry." I gave the cuff back to him and he carried on playing with it while I watched over him, his energy for play quickly returning. He had much bigger plans for the blood pressure monitor than I could see through my adult lens.

As much as it is uncomfortable to recognize the ways we take our Hand(s) off the Circle, it is helpful to know that seeing the rupture through the eyes of the child is the first step toward making repair. Security doesn't come from always getting it right with our children. Security comes from knowing that when there is a rupture, we can make repair.
I invite you to share with me your comments, reflections, Circle stories and experiences with Circle of Security Parenting. Your submissions may be used in future blog posts, with all identifying information excluded, unless you specifically request to be identified. Contact me at brooke[at]circleofsecurityinternational[dot]com.

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T oday I was playing with my nephew. He's 2 ½ years old. He had the doctor's kit and pulled out the blood pressure monitor, holding the inflation valve against my arm. I asked him if he wanted me to show him how to use it while I reached out to take the cuff to put it around his arm.

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I love watching this man supporting the toddler through an organise my feelings moment using Being With. He doesn’t use any words and perhaps that is right for this toddler, I perhaps would have used some gentle naming of feelings. But great to see the length and intensity of emotions, how the child goes deep down into his feeling but all along he has someone alongside him keeping him safe and to give comfort when he comes up the other side of the V. He is very skilled to keep calm and let the child rage all the while offering an acceptance of the feeling and love and support when the child wanted it.

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Dad Holding Space for His Daughter's Big Feelings

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Lovely video centred around grief and what she calls ‘acknowledgment’ I feel is being with. Although it’s about intense loss, it’s important to remember children feel intensely and I think this adds a helpful perspective.

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Video again about when a child is angry in an organise my feelings moment. Warning there is a small bit of badly bleeped swearing so don’t watch if easily offended!

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26M views · 13K reactions | When a child is having a meltdown- screaming is the last thing we should be doing. 

Instead be stability itself in that moment and make them feel safe ❤️ | Kerwin Rae

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When a child is having a meltdown- screaming is the last thing we should be doing. 

Instead be stability itself in that moment and make them feel safe ❤️

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Session 2: Exploring our Children's Needs all the way around the circle

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Session 2: Exploring our Children's Needs all the way around the circle

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"We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit."
― E.E. Cummings

To develop a strong sense of self-worth, we need to have many experiences of important caregivers showing that they see us as valuable and lovable, just as we are. In the Circle of Security Parenting, this need is represented as Delight in Me. In fact, this is such as important capacity of secure attachment, that it is the only need represented on both the Top and Bottom of the Circle.

Caregivers can often quickly identify with the feeling of delight in their child. What is important is that this Delight is shared with the child - young children experience themselves through the eyes of the caregiver. The come to know their value by seeing it reflected in the face of the important figures. In moments of shared delight, parent and child are communicating about their connection and importance to each other. The message is "you are so precious and captivating to me, just as you are". When we have these experiences repeatedly, we develop a confidence that we are accepted and loved. This message becomes internalized and we come to know ourselves as worthy of connection, confident that we are acceptable at our core. This "kind of confidence- at-the-core" allows us to enter new relationships with the expectation that we are loved and lovable, approach challenges and maintain emotional balance and self-esteem in the face of inevitable experiences of failure, rejection, and disappointment.

Delight is mostly expressed non-verbally. On the top of the circle, Delight in Me moments are marked by moments of warm eye contact, mutual smiles, or shared laughter. It is sharing simple joy and genuine relaxed pleasure at being together. Moments of gazing into Mom's or Dad's eyes while experiencing happiness, curiosity and glee is the start of understanding that positive feelings can be shared with beloved others and thereby sustained. This is an important component of developing intimacy and feeling comfortable with sharing curiosity, happiness, excitement and love. Having the experience of someone joining with us in our enthusiasm, wonder and curiosity allows us to trust that these experiences can be enjoyed, explored and shared.

The challenge on the top of the circle is differentiating between Delighting in who your child is and what your child does. We want our children to know that they are valued as a being, and not only for their performance or accomplishments. When only our achievements are celebrated, we learn that our value comes from our skills or performance and is not an inherent part of us. In this way, Delight is different to pride, which usually has more to do with what your child does. It's certainly not wrong to enjoy and celebrate a child's successes, but we want to share delight at other times, communicating that our child is delightful simply as they are.

In this same way, Delight in Me is also different to Enjoy with Me. While they may be expressed simultaneously, when caregivers Enjoy With, they show interest in the child's exploration and discovery - it is shared engagement with the activity or game, joining in with what the child is doing. With Delight in Me moments, the focus is on the being before you and the sharing feelings of warmth and joy in who the child is.

Delight on the bottom of the circle can seem less intuitive than delight on the top, but it is just as important and carries the same tone of connection and intimacy. This need is often met through the welcoming in on the bottom for a moment of reconnection and refuelling. Touching base with a caregiver through a look, a quick smile, or a brief touch can refill a child's emotional cup. At other times, delight on the bottom is about communicating to little ones that even at their worst, they are loved and held dearly. When children are overwhelmed, upset, angry, scared or sad, they need to know they are loved and valued. This is often expressed in the tone of the care, a soothing welcome of the child when they are struggling with painful or difficult feelings or a tender and affectionate response that says "I know you're upset, I know I love you and I know this too shall pass". This can be a very challenging position to hold and it is common to want to pull our children out of distress or push a child away from their frustration. But being able to remain calm and offer a kind, warm response is deeply reassuring to children and helps them to know that painful feelings can be shared in relationship without risk to the connection. The learning that we are worthy of connection and retain our value even in moments of struggle is a powerful gift of security.

I invite you to share with me your comments, reflections, Circle stories and individual experiences with Circle of Security. Your submissions may be used in future blog posts, with all identifying information excluded, unless you specifically request to be identified. Contact me at brooke[at]circleofsecurityinternational[dot]com

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Delight in me: The origins of self-worth

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"We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit." ― E.E. C

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From Disney film Inside out. These are characters from inside a girls head. Joy (yellow) show’s us perhaps how not to do it (distracting, trying to cheer up etc) and Sadness (blue) does some lovely ‘Being With” for Bing Bong (the child’s imaginary friend).

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Whilst empathy is slightly different from ‘Being with’. There are similarities and this is a really important video on the power of connection you get from using empathy.

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Welcome! Are you a parent/caregiver who feels at times lost without a map? Lost at sea without a lifejacket to help you as you wait for the Coast Guard to come rescue you? If you have children and you sometimes say to yourself, "What do you want from me?" then you have come to the right place. "What the heck is Circle of Security Parenting?"

Circle of Security Parenting is a map for us parents developed out of 50+ years of attachment research. Attachment research is the Science of how we love and what gets in the way of expressing our love. This parenting model is different from a lot of parenting books out there because it doesn't tell you what to do. For example, I read one parenting book that told me that if I swaddle my baby and made shush-ing sounds in her ear, that she would be the happiest baby on the block. I'm not sure if she was, but I sure wanted a happy baby. (In fact, at the time, I wanted a perfect baby.) And now cut to 11 years later, she is a very happy kid. Is it because of that technique? Probably not. Is it because I learned how to build a strong relationship without being Manipulative, Tyrannical, or Withdrawn through Circle of Security work? Yes, absolutely!

Most parenting information, books and methods are technique based. As in, do this, don't do this. COSP is definitely not a checklist of To Do's. I wish life were that simple. If we could say - hug your child 3xs a day, say I love you at least once a day, always put your child in bed by 9pm, feed him 3 well balanced meals, daily vitamins and read 20 minutes per day and your child will grow up to have a good job and great relationships. DONE! A direct clear To Do list may be of great comfort to some of you (and give the heebee geebees to the rest of you). I'm sorry, (or great news), COSP does NOT provide any of these types of guidelines.

Instead, what makes Circle of Security Parenting different is that the information is presented in a way that gives us parents a clear map of your child's needs. But how you use the map is up to each individual. No techniques. No To-Do's. Said plainly, COSP is not a list of techniques like Sticker charts, Swaddling, or rigid bedtimes. However, it is a map with a mirror, that asks you to reflect on your own self. What are you bringing to the table with your history growing up? Are there traumas there that affect how you parent? Of course, everyone has things that they wish were different about their childhood. Circle of Security Parenting allows us the wisdom to parent with reflection and growth - to move beyond being reactive parents.

Are you interested in learning more about raising a secure child? Are you interested in learning a parenting map that is about tuning in to your relationship with your child? Are you interested in learning how to get quality connection with your children while still being able to handle all of your grown-up responsibilities? If so, please consider learning more in RAISING A SECURE CHILD or attending a Circle of Security Parenting 8-week class near you.
- Kristine Songhurst is a Registered Circle of Security Parenting Facilitator, wife and mother of 2.
She has been using COSP™ since 2012.

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What is the Circle of Security Parenting?

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Welcome! Are you a parent/caregiver who feels at times lost without a map? Lost at sea without a lifejacket to help you as you wait for the Coast Guard to come rescue you? If you have children and you sometimes say to yourself, "What do you want from me?"

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I think it goes without saying that being a parent is amazing. Amazingly wonderful and amazingly difficult. Trying new things while feeling consumed by all that it takes to be a parent sometimes feels truly impossible. Taking the minutes to pause and reflect on what you want to do differently or can even feel like a luxury. When we were given the opportunity to take that time in exactly that way, through Circle of Security Parenting at the Boone Center, it changed everything for me. It was like I put on a pair of glasses and recognized why some things were a bigger struggle for me than others, what my kids' behavior was actually saying. When I saw it, I couldn't "unsee" it and my language and many of my actions and reactions were changed forever.

What I love about a circle being a part of the description of this program is that its round. The Circle of Security gave, and continues to give me repeated opportunities to meet needs, celebrate successes and independence, hold safe places for my kids AND mess up and keep hanging in there. We can always circle back around. There's no expectation for perfection, just that we stay in there with our kids and try again when we need to.

Circle of Security changed my parenting and personal life, it was the "aha" moment that gave me space to see my kids less like miniature tyrants and more like the exploring, creative, adventurous and wonderful little people they are. I don't know about other parents, but my patience expanded as my understanding expanded. The possibility of creating something better, kinder, more patient than what I had ever experienced gave me hope.

Probably the most amazing thing about being able to take this class is it continues to give back as they get older. It's the same skills, same language, same lessons and opportunities now to create solid relationships between us, and foundations for them as some of my kids start to shift into adults. It's the gift that has kept on giving.

I'm still so forever grateful for the space to learn new ways of being with my kids. Thank you for the chance to be a different parent - years later it's still the best thing that ever happened in my parenting.

Mama to 6 (age 2-18 years), Spokane Washington
I invite you to share with me your comments, reflections, Circle stories and experiences with Circle of Security Parenting. Your submissions may be used in future blog posts, with all identifying information excluded, unless you specifically request to be identified. Contact me at brooke[at]circleofsecurityinternational[dot]com

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Gratitude for the Circle: My experience of COSP

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I think it goes without saying that being a parent is amazing. Amazingly wonderful and amazingly difficult. Trying new things while feeling consumed by all that it takes to be a parent sometimes feels truly impossible.

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A mother recently described her experience of recognizing and leaning into the intensity of her Shark Music, choosing security in the midst of both her own and her daughter's distress.

She was in the middle of a pharmacy, waiting for her medication to be prepared when her 3 year old daughter ran out of the shop and towards a main road. Mum said, "I knew it was a take charge moment - I had to set a limit. I also knew that my daughter was not going to be happy about it, and that there were going to be a lot of big feelings to come. This is where I hear my Shark Music. I have always shied away from intense emotions - big displays of anger and sadness have always been a no-go zone. Until I started Circle of Security Parenting, I had always found ways to shut my daughter's feelings down - either by distracting her, giving in and not setting the limit or getting mean."

"Standing in the pharmacy, I knew this was my going to be an intense process but I also wanted to approach her feelings differently. I felt the pull to shut her down, to get angry and mean. I had the familiar messages that I now recognize as coming from Shark Music - "she's being a brat", "don't let her get away with this". To add to this, there was a shop full of other customers all of who had their own responses to my daughter's feelings - it was a shark frenzy.

"Despite all this, I now had a second option and recognized that this was my choice point. I held her close and stroked her back, trying to acknowledge her frustration with me at not being allowed to explore. Even as I held her, my Shark Music played - "everyone thinks she is spoilt", "you can't comfort her for being naughty". But I also had a new message, "she needs me to Organize her Feelings", "it's OK to be frustrated."

"By the time we got to the car, we were both pretty exhausted. She fell asleep within minutes. It took me a bit longer to wind down, but it felt good to be able to have a new way to respond to her needs, and I have confidence that making this new choice is a good thing."

I invite you to share with me your comments, reflections, Circle stories and experiences with Circle of Security Parenting. Your submissions may be used in future blog posts, with all identifying information excluded, unless you specifically request to be identified. Contact me at brooke[at]circleofsecurityinternational[dot]com

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Leaning into Shark Music: A Parent's Reflection

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A mother recently described her experience of recognizing and leaning into the intensity of her Shark Music, choosing security in the midst of both her own and her daughter's distress.

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We all have Shark Music - Welcome to the Club. The goal is not to get rid of it, but to begin to observe when it arises and how it impacts our responses in relationship. The following story is a parent’s reflection on observing her Shark Music. Having a very upset baby in the middle of the night

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Here you'll find additional handouts, link to videos and blog posts that support what we've been reflecting on in the group sessions. To support your circle journey it will really helpful to take a look at the additional materials session by session as we cover them together. You can also, scroll over for tabs on general books, websites and other materials you may find interesting at any point.