# data[].attributes.body
"Straight hair, straight A's, straight forward, straight path, I don't cut corners"

I was that only child and little miss perfect of the family, the one who's quiet but competes with everyone. The one who smiles in her graduation with ribbons clanged to her dress and medals on her neck. Who studies hard, making sure to ace every quizzes and exams so that I can get a reward from my family. The socially awkward child who thinks that being the best in the class would make everyone like you at least, at least acknowledge you. The child who just tries to understand everything and everyone but her demeanor is always misunderstood. I relied on academic validation because that’s the only way my work can be seen, or should I say that’s the only way for me to be seen.

But I’m an only child, others say “She’s spoiled.”, “She’s lucky.” Someone even said I am arrogant? I’m tired of people romanticizing my life, probably it’s really good to feel that they can give you everything, not until they’ll ask for something in exchange, at first it just started as “Do your homework first.” Then it suddenly became so heavy like every day and every decision I make holds my dear life, I mean yes, it is. To hear “Prove yourself first.” makes me feel like I’m from ground zero again. A lost child, curiosity is good but suddenly things just becomes a big question mark and it doesn’t seem that it has solution at all. If before all I want is to just go outside, then I got older I can never show my face outside again, knowing that my parents would be overly critical in my every move.

Whenever I’m outside I still feel grounded, it’s crazy how much I want to be the other kids who just do whatever they want, I know I can too right? I’m just afraid, ever since I locked myself from the world I thought all I have is my family. I learned to just accept what people can give without too much demanding, I am used and blamed for things that isn’t my problem I became like a patch for others hole. And I just feel helpless because I hoped that those people who’s with me my whole life will understand me, maybe they don’t care at all? Maybe all of this accomplishment is nothing for them? When will I be enough? The little miss perfect me broke, I just started to lose interest in all the things where I used to be good. I join in every kind of competition, from photo essay to poster making contest, the feeling of holding those hard certificates in my hand makes me happy but now I can never properly hold my paints brushes. If ever I lose I know how to accept it and I don’t get jealous as well because I know how everyone tries hard in their own way.

My parents would always be the one to push me join because they believe in me, right? But I was not the same as before everything just drops in a blink of my eyes. You know I still try to join these competitions before because at least I know I have people who still believes in me right? But they will just be there when your name is being announced in the stage, those people who I think believes in me even said that maybe I should just stop. Maybe that’s because I am not perfect anymore right? Everything I do it will never be enough.

I enrolled in JRU without any expectations at all, my decision to study here wasn’t plan just a sudden decision because I want to escape from my old school, not because it’s hard but since I was given an option so I took it, I met the most toxic people ever in that school and I just want a new start. And I didn’t regret it because my happiest days, weeks and months was here. And all of the people I met are amazing but that even though I’m not that little miss perfect anymore I want to prioritize myself and my happiness. And now they want to rob it from me, the happiness that I found, finally something that made me genuinely happy. Happiness that I don’t beg for but it’s the happiness that I deserve.

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To be honest, studying at JRU is the solution, if I wasn't here, I wouldn't have seen the other side of this harsh world that can still be kind to me. The solution is the new friends I've made here and my old friends who have stayed with me, the person who is always there to make me feel safe and validated. The person who taught me to value my voice and myself more. I know someone who will support me, and I know there are people who will always be proud of me.

VALIDATION:

- It's really refreshing to have new sets of friends and a new environment. We often experience burnout when we get overwhelmed with who and what we surround ourselves with. Find your people, find the right ones because they will never disappoint.

- That person must be really happy to read this. Really happy to see how far you've come and how proud they are to be with you. That person is really lucky. Truly they are. They're right, you know. Your voice, pretty and quiet, serves the right amount of justice you will always deserve. The solution isn't just JRU and the people you found, the solution has always been you. You fight every moment of your life to survive and be better than what was in the past, acknowledge the fact that you're great and truly the best. You are always safe, and we are always proud of you. The people in this group love you. I love you. Fight for what you deserve and what is your eternal right. Speak up, believe and fight. You're strong, and always have been.

"A pretty girl walks by my locker
My heart gives a flutter, but I don't dare utter a word"

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Have you ever felt as if you weren't a part of the group? They are your friends, but you don't feel it because of the way they treat you. Have you ever been in a situation where you wanted to be liked by everyone? I had a difficult time making friends when I was younger. As a child, I was awkward and shy. But at the time, I want to have friends, my circle of friends. As a result, I did all sorts of things just for them to like and accept me. This continued until fifth grade. I vividly recall how, in order to blend in with the group, I altered my preferences, communication style, and manner of speaking. It left me mentally exhausted. I often overheard my so-called "friends" talking behind my back about how I was trying to fit in with their group and I felt so alone. Even so, when I was in sixth grade, everything changed. I made new friends, and we participated in all the enjoyable activities. Yet after graduation, we split up and attended different schools. Making new friends once more caused me anxiety. At the moment, I was pleased because I felt like I had my group. Yet as time passed, I began to feel as though I was no longer a part of the group. They would laugh as they discussed topics that I am unaware of. There were days when I was afraid to attend school because I would feel excluded once more since I felt so out of place. They consistently made me feel that I was no longer a part of the group. There were times when I wondered whether there was something wrong with me. They frequently teased me by purposefully ignoring me and interrupting me anytime I was speaking. This went on until 8th grade. They always see me as a nice and modest kid, and that's why they would always take advantage of me. They always take me for granted because they know I will always be by their side as the "backup friend". Things changed when the pandemic happened. Face-to-face classes are suspended, and an online class is implemented. During those days, I had time to reflect.  I had so much alone time when the pandemic happened. I had many realizations. One thing I realized is that there is nothing wrong with me. They're not just the right group for me. I don't need to change my personality, my liking, and myself in order for them to like me. If they are my true friends, they will like me for who I am. If they don't like to be my friend, then so be it. I've learned to not pour out my energy and effort on those who are not willing to reciprocate it. Before, I was the one always chasing friend groups and trying to fit in. But now I'm thankful for my new circle of friends. Friendships are extremely important to me. I can say that having my alone time was immensely helpful in assisting me to realize things. I spent so much time and effort changing myself in order for them to like me that I had become mentally exhausted. I'm proud of how far I've come. I am now surrounded by wonderful people who cherish and love me. It is important to surround yourself with people who love you and avoid those who only bring negativity into your life.

SOLUTION:

How did I overcome this problem of mine? I stopped talking to them. I stayed away from the negativity in my life and focused on myself instead. I learned to love myself and be myself more. Not everyone will like you, that's the reality. So why put so much effort into those people who clearly don't like you?

VALIDATIONS:
- All your solutions are reflections of who you deeply are and how you sub-consciously think . To love yourself more is a strong and brave response in your case.

- The fact that you took all of that broken time taking care of yourself and being there for yourself instead of finding a way to be distracted shows that you're stronger than so many you're ex-friends. To be honest, they were never friends, they were people put there to make you stronger and powerful. You are every bit loved by us and by yourself. We love you. And the fact that you love yourself too is stronger than what a lot of people could ever do.

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I was once a child full of hope. A child who believed in herself, full of confidence.
Everything vanished bit by bit as time passed by.

I grew up having to meet the standards and expectations of my family as a the first grand child and the only child in my family. I was often compared to my cousins and friends by my relatives. In return, I would immensely focus on academics and would never ask for help in order to prove my relatives wrong. In order for them to see that I could be independent. But they would still see my efforts as nothing. It all happened when I was still in elementary, I did everything in order for things to be “perfect” and for things to be done without seeking help from others. That was the start of the deterioration of my self confidence.

Now, what makes a person’s self confidence and worth low? One of the potential reasons that others’ have experienced including myself was from verbal mockery. It's ironic how a few words could destroy everything you worked hard for and taking ages to regain what was once in your possession.

Reaching a new chapter of my life, highschool. Everything changed, from the way I think to the way I perceive everything around me. I remember having fun with my friends and being able to show my talent, but faced several mockeries and insults. Since then, I would always feel like everyone was laughing at me deep inside. That none of their compliments were serious. That I was just pathetic. This is where you could see that people and the world could be very cruel. I felt extremely conscious about my physical appearance, talents, skills and the way I socialize.

Now, how did I overcome this? The answer or solution to the challenge was none. I am still trying to rebuild my confidence and my love for myself. What helped me get some of my confidence in myself back was from having a strong support system, moving forward, and accepting myself, my flaws and recognizing my strengths. Learning that the opinions and perception of others about you does not concern you and is not who you are as a person. Forgiving those who have wronged you without having any closure and just moving forward. That is how I somehow overcame my challenge.

VALIDATIONS:

- We agree in having a healthy, strong support system. Those people will be our guide in our journey of moving forward. Rebuilding oneself, or healing is not linear. It doesn't go straight, there are also bumps and that's our of our control. Listen to ourselves and what our body and mind tell us to do and the rest will go smooth.

- We are so very proud of you and I agree, a strong support system matters so much.

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Self-sabotaging leads to distrust, self-neglect, self-criticism, procrastination, perfectionism, stress, and anxiety.

There are times, lots of times when I feel like I want to recite and answer whenever a teacher has a question for the class but I just can’t seem to form the right words. I have the answers in my head but it’s just hard to say them out loud. And when I do have the right words and the courage to answer out loud, there’s this voice in my head saying that what I’ll say is wrong. My tongue will get twisted and I’ll end up messing up the whole thing. Which is why I choose to just observe and stay silent.

This doesn’t just apply to reciting but to other things as well such as socializing with someone, doing the things I want, wearing the clothes I want, eating the food I want, etc. It’s stuck in my head that I will mess up everything I do so I tend to sabotage my success every single time. Self-sabotaging can sometimes be a conscious or unconscious behavior. Another occurrence is whenever I find happiness with someone, there’s something in me that has the urge to find something wrong at that moment because I don’t want to be so attached to someone. I feel like if I get too attached to someone and they get to really know me, I’m afraid that they might abandon me.

It’s like a battle between my brain and my heart. My brain is constantly feeding me with those negative thoughts and emotions and my heart is there trying to fight those negative thoughts, assuring me that I’m enough.

There are tons of forms of self-sabotaging that aren’t always obvious, especially to the naked eye. Some of the examples are doing things you don’t want to do just to please other people, being too hard on yourself and not taking breaks, pushing people away, and worst of all, even when you’re aware of this bad habit, you don’t acknowledge it.

SOLUTION:
Seek help and support. Talk to people who you can trust and don’t be afraid to open up. Self-sabotage is a very unhealthy behavior that no one should endure. Know that it’s completely okay to make mistakes. The best way to overcome challenges in life is to face them and learn from them.

VALIDATION:
- That is true, there is nothing wrong with needing help and support. Especially on  days that we can't help ourselves, it is much important to ask help from others because we'll never know how their perspective and perception of life could permanently change ours.

- The feeling that a small thing could lead to such huge problems always fascinated me. Butterfly effect talaga. Just like how we can face our problems, telling the story, finding the true root of it all, being able to face the big boss. When the answer is giving yourself the biggest hugs in the world. Nakakatuwa noh, kahit anong gawin mo, ang totoo, mababaw talaga ang kaligayahan ng tao.

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Do you ever feel like a bad person? 'Di mo nalang alam, gulat ka, umiiyak ka na pala.

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Do you ever feel like a bad person? 'Di mo nalang alam, gulat ka, umiiyak ka na pala.

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These past few days, I don't know what's come over me but it seems as though I can't do anything right. I'm stuck being a scapegoat for everybody. Kahit ilang sabi nila na planado ka, pakiramdam mo, pagkakamali ka parin. Sure you were planned, but you can't help but think that you're a mistake.

There are happy accidents, grateful lucky moments, you can think whatever you want. But then you find out you're a planned misery instead.

These days, I try not to think I'm a bad person anymore. I've tried my hardest to finally let go of that feeling that I'm the villain in somebody's story. Pero there are truly just some people na nagugulat ka nalang, you weren't a respected rival to them, instead you were their turning point for revenge.

Pero sa totoo lang, wala kanamang ginawa kundi mabuhay lang naman.

All I ever did was love and breathe, but for some people, I'm still the big bad beast.

I thought it was nothing, I thought I was just overreacting these past few days but I recently just went into a point of no end, spiraling away. Hindi ko talaga alam. Nagulat nalang ako, umiiyak na pala ako. Kala ko talaga wala akong nararamdaman, numb to everything, pero bigla nalang ako umiyak.

Even I was surprised. The tears didn't stop. Parang tubig na umaagos, 'di ko mapigil kahit anong gawin ko.

I was so scared. I felt like a child again. I felt so scared that people didn't like me because of something so small. I just wanted to know why somebody would have the mind to even think that way.

Wala naman akong masamang nagawa.

SOLUTION:
Talk to your special person. Understand that it's not your fault. You know you did nothing wrong. You did all you can do.

VALIDATION:

CHRUEEE, it's very hard to not blame ourselves for everything that happens but what good will it make either? Let's all have someone to help heal ourselves.

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For the past few years, I was often hard on myself. I kept comparing myself with other people and had excessive self-criticism.

Growing up as the first child and the only daughter, I was faced with multiple responsibilities and pressure. From the very beginning, I was already doing so well in school. I'd be one of the top students in class and receive other subject-related awards. In a sense, my parents and other people around me were used to my excellence.

Fast forward to high school, that was the time I started to get too conscious of what I do, my grades, my capabilities, and my physical image. I started to compare myself to other people, and most of the time, I was completely upset with what I had.

I managed to be at the top of my class for two years but after that, I failed to be consistent. Sure, I was still one of the high honor students but it just wasn't the same. I could've done better but that wasn't the case. I felt judging eyes bore towards me.

Having excessive self-criticism heavily brought down my mood and motivation to do well in academics. I started not to care but at the same time, my self-loathing became worse.

I'd hate myself for not having a high score on my exams. I'd hate myself for not having as good of a project as my classmates. I'd hate myself for not looking as pretty as other girls. I hated that I wasn't as capable as other people.

I hated everything that I was.

There was not a single care, love, or support that I have for myself.

I didn't allow myself to sleep, eat, or relax because I thought that I didn't deserve it. I basically sabotaged everything that could've helped me with my situation. I beat myself up for the smallest mistake. I wanted everything to be perfect, but it's often impossible for it to be that way. It turned worse until I honestly couldn't remember what had happened.

Until now, I'm still comparing myself with other people but I'm not as excessively self-criticizing. I only criticize a healthy amount and aspect. Basically, focusing on constructive criticism. And at least now, I do love myself and accept who I am.

SOLUTION:
Slowly accept yourself and realize that nothing would change for the better or for what you want if you refuse to help yourself. It would be best if you were the first and the sturdiest support system you can ever have. Know that you have the power to control your life, at least realistically and within yourself, if you want it enough. You should also stop comparing yourself to other people (Such a hypocritical suggestion, I know. Unfortunately, old habits die hard). Each one of us has our own abilities and strengths. You should be proud of what you have and enhance it even more.

VALIDATION:

- It is very difficult to unlearn bad habits but what good will it make if we continue with those? It is very true that it's hard to not compare ourselves, accept, or control the things that happen to us but what more satisfying and empowering than changing ourselves for the better diba?

- You don't always have to be the first and sturdiest support system. You should also learn that. We are here and you can always find us. Go to us and we'll be there but I agree, old habits die real hard. But god, the feeling of being better and having pride in your work is so.. nice. So freeing. The tears in your eyes when you realize, 'I did that', that beautiful piece of art. You did that.

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"bat ka ba nagmamadali? wala namang mawawala"

I get very anxious with time. Not in a sense that I struggle to manage it but in such way that I feel like I'm always running out of time. Especially when I'm with the ones I love, I feel like I should do everything in a rush. I always feel like something's going to end so I'm always on fight mode. I never really enjoyed moments because I spend my time thinking what will happen past that moment so in result, I become forgetful of happenings. I usually find myself planning for the worse rather than making the best of every situation. I feel like they're gonna be gone after that specific moment in time so I rush everything.

But the real thing is, we can never control what happens next. Until now, I struggle to accept that what happens after every moment is beyond our control.

Kung masaya tayo ngayon, tapos may nangyaring masama, ano naman? Ano magagawa natin? Wala naman talaga tayong magagawa.

That's how life works. We just have to pretend that we accept everything that comes our way may it be loss, grief, heartbreak or numbness because after all, good and bad things come to an end. The cycle goes on and on, we just have to fake it 'til we make it.

SOLUTION:
Have a great support system with yourself and the people around you. Build a relationship with them that even time can't break. Find your person.

VALIDATIONS:

Felt, the feeling of days passing by too quick because you're with the person you love. Feel ko yung 'Find your person', sometimes it doesn't happen through waiting. Loving is always a back and forth, even if it happened like a coincidence, kailangan talaga kayo din magtulungan. Communication is key. Love this <3