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A made-up holiday where consumers blow $23.9 Billion on products, services, likes and wants in search of satisfaction from another. It’s an obvious scam for these companies to make money by playing to a human’s innate desire for acceptance and yet, I fall subject to the desires almost every year. I find myself lusting for flowers, romantics dinners,  gifts and surprises almost instantly when the day arrives. What’s weird, though, is I don’t need those things. Sure they are nice, but I am fortunate enough to have a husband who is truly my “Valentine” year-round. I often forget on silly days like this because society brainwashes me and I’m not being mentally tough enough to stop it from happening. I was in my routine little depressive state about not being wooed right when I rolled out of bed and it really took my joy from me. I don’t intentionally get like that, but it’s a real feeling that I have to address and reframe in order to move past… we were going to some appointments with the baby while big brother was at school and I felt sad and a loss of appetite. Hubs wanted to stop by Chick-fil-A, but I wasn’t in the mood (even though I felt hungry deep down). He orders his food and we move along to a parking lot where he decides to eat. I feel myself filling up with anger as he proceeds to eat in the car while the baby is sleeping (even though I notice he rolled the windows down because I lothe the smell of the egg white grill 😵‍💫) but I just sit there and simmer. Trying to figure out why I’m even truly angry. Trying to understand what is going on so I can tell my husband how he wasn’t living up to my expectations. My feelings were so big. And I’m so glad I had the self control to keep them in. My husband finishes his sandwich and then turns off the car even though we were supposed to be going somewhere soon. I ask him in frustration why he shut the car off. And here’s where I had my reality check. A much needed one. And I’m thanking God for keeping me quiet to be able to experience this. He calmly says “we are going to go into target” and I’m all like why!? (Knowing he doesn’t want me spending our money in there during this season of our lives) and he just says “because target brings you joy and I think you could use some joy today.” … like whoa. Big tears start pouring down my face because all along he had been thinking of me. Even though we weren’t talking much. He was thinking how he could bring me joy when I so didn’t deserve it. 😭 this man. He does so much for our family and helps me grow every single day. He bought chick minis because he knew I’d be hungry later, took me into target and patiently helped me find a few outfits for our growing boy, didn’t complain once about my attitude from the morning and held me in his arms throughout the day. I pray everyday that I’m doing things right for our kids and for my husband. I hope he knows he’s always doing it right and we are so lucky to have him. Valentine’s Day will look forever different to me. I hope I look back on this and humble myself every year if not. 🫶🏼 the day finished off with these precious flowers picked for me from my big boy. I am truly blessed.

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Coming across these pictures has my heart a little achy this morning. Realizing just how different the holiday season is this year compared to one year ago is honestly so heavy. So much has changed in a year… This Christmas we won’t get to experience the Hallmark channel on repeat nor will we watch Amazon deliver countless packages to the house from Bradford Exchange with holiday trinkets and ornaments, alike. No special wine club deliveries. No Tastefully Simple boxes. No moaning and groaning about the cold weather and the house not being warm enough. 😝 This year we won’t get to see Gram sitting in her chair, wearing her 49er jacket, bundled up in her heated blanket, playing Mahjong and her cup of coffee within reach. The coffee pot won’t stay on all day (being refilled twice by the end of the day, of course) and there won’t be spillage all the way from the kitchen to her chair. No, there won’t be any Grammy-isms because she’s not here with us this year. While it hurts my heart in a very deep way, there’s also a sense of peace knowing she’s not enduring chemo or hospital procedures any longer. She hated the hospital. And doctors if we are being honest. And most of all, she hated not getting to drink wine or having her beautiful hair anymore, and hated having to “eat” from a tube. She also particularly loathed the cold weather so maybe she chose to leave us early because she didn’t want to have to deal with this weather. 🥶 I do miss her so. It’s painful knowing she won’t be able to spend time getting to know Benjamin. I was hoping for that more than anything this year because she enjoyed loving on Oliver as a baby. She was a spicy, firm-hearted lady but she loved babies and I was looking forward to that joy for her (and myself) this holiday season. Instead, we will spend time remembering her and hugging our family members even tighter this year. 80 years of Luella truly wasn’t long enough.

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This is such a good question. What does love look like? How do you know when you love someone? Better yet, how do you know if you are IN love with someone? I used to think love looked different at different ages. Which is true to an extent, but not necessarily based off of age. Love looks different every day and in every stage of life. Today, for me, love looks like a unexpected full tank of gas so I don’t have to fill up on the way to work. A gentle brush of his hand on my backside while I’m brushing my teeth to let me know he cares without disrupting my routine. Taking our son to work with him since the daycare is closed so I don’t have to worry about the added changes or stress. Informing me my shoes are untied, knowing it’s an invitation to tie them if I requested because it’s hard for my pregnant belly to get down there. It’s the “have a good day” paired with a kiss on the way out the door to keep my positivity up, knowing I don’t love my job. Though our love looks different than I thought it would, I am so completely grateful that it does. God knew I needed Daniel and that he would bless me with these perfect children who love me unconditionally. Today, I’m choosing joy and reflection. I hope I do everyday.

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Reflecting on today, I feel compelled to memorialize my feelings and observations. We took Oliver for a turn and burn to Epcot and the day truly was magical. Though, I
it didn’t start out with the magic… we woke up at 5:30 when the plan was for 5. In doing so, I inherently felt rushed all morning and therefore, cranky and impatient. I know I lashed out at Daniel more times than I care to mention and by the time we got to Epcot (especially after the realization that I left my tennis shoes at home AND my clothes I brought no longer fit right) tensions were high and I was breaking down. It’d be easy to blame the hormones from this pregnancy and stress from buying this house, but while those things are accurate, more accurate is that I wasn’t controlling my emotional responses and subsequently put everyone else in a heightened state of frustration. It’s not always easy to realize when I’m acting like that, but even when I do realize it… it often takes longer to snap out of it. Working on our emotional responses is such a hard task. However, with daily and intentional work towards a healthy emotional state, it is possible. Sometimes you need to cry and just let the emotions out. That’s what I needed today. Just a good cry and to apologize to my husband for not handling my emotions as well as I’d like. He understands that I’m all out of whack with this pregnancy and stress, but it’s still not fair to him when I don’t try to be cognizant of my emotional outbursts. After an apology and some Disney magic, we were right back on track and were able to enjoy a perfect day. Our son had so much fun and we were able to enjoy each other. A little apology and a little cry often go a long way. I’m so glad we chose joy today and were able to make such a wonderful memory. It’s true that you can’t be joyful and angry at the same time. 😉