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1. I showed how I grew up from theater and what I learned from a single situation.

2. I need a more captivating start. I need to fix a few minor grammatical errors.

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1. I showed growth in how I may not be super close with my older siblings but I won't be that for my younger siblings. I'll always protect them. I also grow from a younger, little sister into an older, big sister.

2. Wording, used revisions given

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1. I showed personal growth throughout my job shadow experience. While at first I described the nervousness I felt, I showed how that turned into passion for the work that was being done. While I started off by being more nonchalant with the career choice, I showed how my decision solidified over time.

2. I will add more development to the end of my paper. While I was originally feeling rushed with my writing, I will make more space for the end by cutting unnecessary descriptors at the beginning. I will also connect the beginning anecdote with the end.

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1. I showed growth in how I went from struggling to feel I belonged in either community being mixed-race and feeling like belonging was important, to embracing my unique identity, and feeling like bringing my diversity into the community, and helping others to be confident in their backgrounds, is what is important.

2. I will work on showing and not telling. I will do this by getting rid of unnecessary details and fixing the many sentences that start with "I" that are telling. For example, instead of saying that "I recieved interest from my peers" and "I will inspire my peers to embrace their background" I will show that with dialogue examples. I will also fix the conclusion to focus more on my personal growth.

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1. I showed personal growth by telling how I realized I wanted to be a mom. I also showed how I realized that being a mom is just as good a career as any.

2. I need to use a variety of different words, and I also need to use more personal examples.

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1. I did a good job of showing how through my own experience with athletic training and with injuries, that it makes me interested in that field.

2. I need to do a better variety of words throughout the essay. The will make it more engaging and less repetitive. I can work on this by taking revisions from the editors and putting them in my final draft.

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1. I showed personal growth in being a subject of such kindness and needing care to becoming the person to present love to others.

2. Showing, Not Telling: I was given specific areas to show rather than tell in some ways that Bre impacted me. I plan to cut some unneeded sentences to fill in more descriptors of memories. Craft & Vocabulary: I was given lower scores in my writing craft & Vocabulary and I plan to make the descriptions more creative and less like a simple story being told.

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1. I showed personal growth by showing how my elementary school teacher sparked a love for teaching and leading and how working at camp developed those skills

2. I need to develop my conclusion more it was very abrupt, and I need to fix some sentence structure in my second paragraph.

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1. In this essay I showed how my biggest role model has impacted and molded me as a person. I showed how her life has impacted mine with specific examples.

2. I need to work more on my writing craft in this essay. Lots of my sentence structures were messy or confusing. I think if I find better, more concise ways of communicating my ideas it would make this essay a lot better.

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1. I showed personal growth through how painting has allowed me to see the world from a new perspective.

2. I need to work on the overall impression of the essay. To achieve this I plan on changing some of my word choices. I also plan on using more diverse sentence structures.

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1. I displayed personal growth through explaining my experiences and how other people's impact on me changed the way I thought and now the way I live.

2. I need to show not tell in the second paragraph. I need to explain my experience a little more in-depth. So I plan to add a little bit more about how my daily life was affected by my anxiety.

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1. I showed my growth by showing how I interact with others during the game and how I can pick myself back up after losing.

2. I need to on add more details regarding my personal growth, and my relationship with my uncle

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1. I showed growth through times of doubt when things weren't going the way I expected.

2. I need to add better vocab to make it more interesting

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1. I grew by not letting the competitive spirit in me dictate whether or not I was having fun with my brother. That even if I lost I could enjoy the game.

2. Use better vocabulary, I can change some words around and substitute better ones. I also need to make sure I'm using the right grammar and words. Double-check it and make sure the word is there'll and not they'll.

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1. Through the narrative, I showed growth in how I thought about competition. In the beginning, it was something I would get lost in and lose all track of time, but at the end I realized that competition shouldn't drive my enjoyment of an activity.

2. I need to work on transitioning from the board game to general competition at the end of my essay. As well I need to compare my enjoyment being in competition and my cousin's enjoyment being in the game itself

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1. I showed personal growth by showing how my interest in black holes and relativity has expanded, fostered by my own sense of wonder and awe in Gods creation.

2. I need to work on explaining WHY black holes interest. I plan do this by including a personal story from my childhood that sparked my interest in them.

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1. I showed where my interest in my chosen major came from, and why I am interested in pursuing it

2. I need to add a couple of extra sentences at the end to make the conclusion stronger, something with more finality to it. and i need more word variety so ill bust out the thesaurus

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Plans for Revision Essay #2 - Izzy Grosskopf

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Plans for Revision Essay #2 - Izzy Grosskopf

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1. My essay was a reflection on how my dad's criticism pushed me to develop a concern to serve others. Through some specific examples, I showed the contentment and fulfillment I experienced when I shifted my focus from myself onto others. I used an extended metaphor of my dad being a cup of experiences and wisdom pouring into my own life.

2. I was told to try and use more sensory details show my core values instead of saying them outright. I also had too many sentences starting with articles. I changed the examples from outright saying their impact to implying their impact based on how it made me or other people feel.

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1. I showed how I was struggling to let go and move on from something I held so dear, but then over time I see everyone around me, how they support and care for me, and the gift that they are. Gratefulness, security, and the ability to let go filled me.

2. I can make the "timeline" make more sense and not include unnecessary information. I then also a little bit more game play.

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1. I grew as a man and as a competitor through tearing my hamstring, in the way that I compete and understand the goal of competing.

2. I need to work on sentence structure. I will rearrange some sentences to help the flow of my paper and stop using so many pronouns to begin my sentences.

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1. I showed personal growth by sharing about how I hate shots and how ironically, that makes me want to go into the field of nursing.

2. I need to work on stronger, more descriptive words to make the essay more interesting and less boring. I also need to work on making a more concise ending. I plan to do this by revisiting my core values.

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1. I showed personal growth by becoming comfortable in who I am, no matter the way I look. I showed this personal growth by highlighting my journey with skincare/makeup to originally hide imperfections, but then to use as a form of expression.

2. I think that I need to work on Writing Craft with my sentence structures to mix in more variety (One of the paragraphs I start with "I..." on most of the sentences).

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Put your name at the top of a padlet.

1. Based on personal knowledge of the intent of your essay writing, what personal growth did you show through your narrative, and how did you show it?

2. What is one or two areas on the rubric that you received peer feedback on, that you are going to work on? How do you specifically plan on achieving that?