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Naka public kaya to??

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Baka yung isa lang naman mao-open nila since yun lang yung may link sa mga socials ko

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And ganda kagabi. Ang enjoy. Halos hindi mo ramdam yung pagod, lungkot after school and problems nung nakasama ko yung mga pinsan ko para makabonding. I feel safe lang kapag nasa tabi ko sila tapos ganun kasaya yung vibe. Feel ko kase they are healing me ng hindi nila alam, and i love them for being my safe place. Kase alam na alam nila kung kailan nila ako bubuoin kapag sobrang hina ko na para harapin ang mundo. Because they always be there for me to show how to live happy kahit nakakapagod na minsan ang mundo para galawan. 🫠

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Suddenly, I felt myself slowly changing. I stopped crying over the things that hurt me. I've become less interested in everything, I stare at something but I couldn't see a thing. I felt my heart aching but I refuse to speak out how I feel. I completely forgot about my own environment, and I gave more attention to myself more than anything.

I learned not to care, partly because my heart become so cold and sometimes empty. I terribly wanted to have no heart so that I would stop hurting. But it still hurts— no matter what I do, it still hurts. I watched myself broke down so many times, cried on the kitchen floor with my bended knees, and suffered a lot of nightmares in my bed until I've become sick of it.

Suddenly, I forced myself to get up and walk unwaveringly. I had to pick myself up after they destroyed me. I had to pick up the pieces of me because I deserve healing. The only way to stop the pain is to start healing, and giving up on myself is not an option. I don't want to die sad and hurting, so I forced myself to get up even though most of the parts of me have already been broken.

- Lost In an Empty Street at Midnight

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To; My MamaLa (Elsie P. Tamsi)
From; your panganay na apo
Date: Thursday. JUNE 8, 2023

Hi MamaLa i'ts been years. How have you been na po? I really missed. Mag eeighteen na po lola, I will be 18 on September. And actually I made & write this letter for you because you are now turning in senior age, 60th birthday. I'm so glad that I can still remember the small things about you, well it never fades lola, it will never fade.

Time flies so fast po ano? It's been years  since you left us. And It's been 8 years na you are in your own new home for a long time. Ilang years narin po kitang hindi napapasyal sa puntod mo mamala,  and I'm sorry for not visiting on you. Although kaya ko naman but I was afraid to go kase minsan even though I wanted to go alone. Naiisip ko na what if mawala ako kasi baka nakalimutan ko na kung asan ka? and I also don't know when kita mabibisita but I'll try po.

I really miss you lola. Araw-araw , gabi gabi. You know lola daming ganap simula nung nawala ka sa tabi namin. It became so so worst. Daming nagbago sa family and madami din nadagdag, marami din nawala. But I cant stop, wala din naman po akong magagawa if i wanted na magdesisyon din kase I dont have the rights pa. Marami lang problems.
But I hate the family i had right now, marami po akong  anger issues about them for not doing good in front of me but nangingibabaw lang po sakin ang pagiging understanding ko sakanila. Well yeah, I'm confused, a lot of times but nevermind to open those problem upp because i only understand myself. If you could see lolo right now he's finally happy with his new right now, well!!! lola don't be sad na po up there haa? you can't cursed at him hahaha. Always remember that, All you need to do is for him to accept, forgive, and understand so that he also do that to you. Just moved on and be happy lola. Iloveyou.

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11-25-23

Hi lola, I miss you so bad :(. I dont know how to express what i am feeling rn but i wish i could talk to you to ease the pain from my heart. How are you na po ? Are you happy up there with tito?

You know to be honest I am writing rn to open up something. I dont know I just suddenly felt sad. You know pala na tatay visit here to get the bike na pinag lumaan ko, and also sila tito jayson narin sumunod dito to get also the bike.

You know mamala if only you could hear me rn maybe im in tears na. Pero I cant cry e. I'm strong kase hehehe. (feeling strong). Hayss!!! you know lola may kinakatakutan ako. idk if pano, ano, bkt? basta Im afraid rn. Naalala kase kita and ni tito sherwin then kasabay non si tatay. Miss ko na kase kyo :( Miss ko na alaga nyo sakin/samin ni kuya Stephen. Everytime na may mag sink sa utak ko, kyo agad yung naalala ko kasabay ng mga ala-ala natin and naiiyak ako. Kase hindi ko na kase mahagkan ulit yung mga baggay na yun e. Sakit lang. sakit lang sa part na wala na akong kakampi sa lahat. And ngayon I'm starting to afraid na baka pati si tatay mawala. Dahil kapag nawala narin sya diko kakayanin ang buhay. He's the only person para maka saksi sa pagtatapos ko, pero kapag nagawa nyang hindi makita man yon one day. Then maybe i'll lost everything too.

In the past few years na wala na ako sa tabi nyo ang dami kong nakikitang changes, from me to tatay.
Na halos hindi ko narin siya makilala. And i guess I grew up facing everything na parang mag isa nalang habang nasa ibang lugar kayo pareho. I dont know kung san ako kukuha ng lakas ng loob para magpatuloy pa mamala, i miss u so much that i cant even explain it.

May isang gabi na habang payapa ang tulog ko bigla bigla nalang ako iiyak kase bigla akong magigising na ikaw na agad yung iniisip at si tatay. Bumabalik sakin yung mga panahon na kayo yung unang nagpasok sakin sa paaralan kase wala akong magulang at kayo yung tinuring ko. Halos ilang years nako nag ssuffer ako sa pagkawala mo mamala, pero kinakaya ko. Kase hindi moko mahahawakan kapag alam mong hinang hina ako kaya nagiging strong ako for myself. And i promise you na babalitaan kita sa mga achievements na maeencounter ko. Kayo ni papalo. I promise to take care of your husband no matter what. Kahit malayo siya, malayo ka, malayo tayo sa isat isa. I'll do my best to look for him kase matanda na siya and he's sick. I need to take care of him because ako yung una ninyong naging apo sa lahat. And gusto ko na makita pa niya yung achievements ko sa buhay bago kayo magsama sa malayong lugar. I want to see his smile first. His word na "you did a great job, apo." the "I'm so proud of you" o kaht isang ngiti nalang niya na walang halong salita. Kahit yun na lang magiging masaya ako sa buong parte ng buhay ko at yun din ang ichecherish ko.

If darating man yung araw na magpapahinga na siya sana kapag kaya ko na lumaban mag isa. Dahil ayokong mawala din siya gaya ng nangyari sayo mamala. Tinapos mo lang grade 4 ko non e. Pinanood moko ipakita yung talento ko sa harap ng maraming tao, sinupportahan moko ng todo todo. At pagkatapos non nawala ka na. The day before my perfomance at the crowd you left me, questioning everything. Pero masaya ako kase yun yong masayang ala-ala ko na naiwan mo para sakin. You left me, but i learned a lot when u still alive. At naramdaman ko dun yung pagiging magulang mo at pagmamahal mo sakin. Mahal na mahal kita mamala. Araw araw, minuminuto. Mahal ko kayo ni tatay at ni tito na kasama mo na. :>:

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Diko alam pero diko maiyak yung pagod na nafefeel ko ngayon. Diko din alam kung san ako mas pagod. Kung sa pag aaral ba o pati narin sa lahat. Tangina ito nanamn ako e haha. Lagi nalang na kapag nafefeel kong magaan ako sa lahat ng bagay darating ako sa puntong empty ako. Kaya pala wala akong pake sa lahat lately kase andito ulit ako sa phase na to. Kala ko pagod lang sa pag aaral kase hindi nako nakakapag rest at nagkakasakit nako pero hindi ko pinapalampas mga yon kase ang importante sakin ay tapusin mga schoolworks ko. Kaya wala akong pake lately if pagod ako at nilalagnat dahil gusto ko tapusin lahat ng asigned task ko, diko rin masyadong dinamdam yung pag breakdown ko nung pinagalitan ako ni papa kase ginagawa ko assignments ko non then inuna ko pang samahan si ading sa problema nya kaya hinayaan ko muna yung nararamdan ko sa lahat and almost weeks or month nakong wala sa sarili na puro tutok nalang ako sa pag aaral. Then ngayon lang ulit kase wala ako nakong gana mag review dahil inaraw araw yung mga summatives namin sa mga per subj. Dina nag ffunction utak ko kaht na nag ttake ako ng gamot. Like super almost months narin ng hindi ako maka kain ng mabuti. Nakita at napansin ko rin sa sarili ko na ang pale ko na at ang payat, haggard. Like i lost. Na parang pati ako hindi ko narin kayang hanapin ang sarili, at hindi ko na maalagaan sarili ko. I just wanna have some rest pero ang hirap. Thats what i want. Gusto ko na lang din itigil muna lahat ng nakakapag pagod sakin kase sukong suko nako pero lumalaban lang ako at inuunan mga importanteng bagay kaysa sa sarili ko kase alam kong kaya ko pang bumawi pagkatapos ng mga to, kaya tinuloy tuloy ko lang ang pag gawa ko.

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I have been trying to convince myself that every suffering will come to an end one day. I have been convincing myself that every wound will heal in time and every sadness that I feel right now will just disappear and be replaced by happiness. But it's been so long since I've been enduring my pain. It's been so long since I've been feeling so sad and devastated. I am a strong person, but sometimes I just feel like giving up too. I'm still holding to that little hope in my heart, but there are just really some times where I ask myself if I will ever be okay again.

I am still fighting my silent battles bravely, but I desperately wish that it will end soon. I'm hoping for the better days to come and I just really want to live with peace and happiness in my heart. But right now, I will admit that I am getting tired of this life. I am sick of waiting for my suffering to end because I never know when  will it happen. I wish I could still motivate and comfort myself right now, but I honestly don't want to lie that days will get better. So instead of telling myself to cheer up because everything will be alright soon, I will choose to tell myself to be strong because life will always be tough for some people out there.

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Look, I kept a different world in me that only a few can really see. I am often misunderstood just because I am like this: I preserve a small circle of friends; I don't open up my personal issues; I am withdrawn from crowds; I seldom talk about my opinion and views on things when it's not necessary; I find a hard time initiating a conversation; I prefer to be at home than attending in any parties; and I give more time for solitude.

Yes I am an introvert, but that doesn’t mean I am an antisocial one. Expect me to be uncomfortable with social-interaction, but it doesn’t mean I can't speak about things, because I am even more fascinated with deep talk. I just need more time to process.

Trusting is never an easy task for me, it will take several introspections to gain and earn it. If you think I am weird, then I don't owe you an explanation for that. I need time to process everything that has been said to me and what I need to do because rushing things is not my thing.

I easily get attached to tiny things and moments. I feel like I am always available to listen to the world and see what lies beyond it. I read souls, I observe every motion around and I fantasize life with every bit of my being.

And I will never be sorry for being like this. I know somehow, some people can understand what my space really means to me. After all, we all have our reasons, and not everyone is capable of seeing and hold a grasp of that.

But may I remind you, never apologize for what and who you are. Embrace that because it is only you, who truly can.

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Tf nanginginig ako kanina pa. First time ko nanamn kase mag isang lumabas after kong masanay na laging may kasama. Feel ko tuloy ngayon ko lang ulit naexperience maging independent.like lol diko alam kung palpitate to or anxiety or something normal lol.

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I hate someone dude. I hate how they enter here sa bahay para lang mag spy ng mga gamit then kapag may nakita sakin lalamangan ako at ipagmamayabang pa nila mismo. The audacity nga naman. I just hate how she thinks na iniinggit ko siya lol. I almost hide everything kapag alam kong anytime tatambay siya dito. I almost hide it na halos ayoko ipakita kung ano yung mga gamit na nabibili kong bago para sa sarili ko kase alam ko, na kapag nakita nya may iisipin sya at mag iisip ng plano kung pano ako inggitin ulit sa mga plano niya like lol. I dont give a fck abt u girl. I just hate that she's mayabang and pabibo sa harap ko. I hate spyer.

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Nice words daddy old. U hurt me again by saying those words "walang pakinabang" hahaha. Wala ba tlgang lugar yung pag-aaral ko? Like kht kanino? Sakit nyo naman. Halos ipressure nyoko para abutin yung pangarap na gusto niyo na pinapaabot nyo sakin pero ni minsan hindi nyo masupport yung bagay na kailangan ko para sa gusto nyo. Then pati ba naman sa personal time ko para tapusin pendings ko may masasabi kayo. Bakit? Kaya naman nila maglinis ng sila sila lang e. I dont need a money. I want to finish my homeworks. Yun lang. Pero tangina ang sakit. Yung minsan ka lang umayaw muna pero tagos yung sumbat sayo. Sabi ko pa namn kanina di ako iiyak. Pero ito ako.

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Mommy!!! Can u just let me live alone? I wanna be independent. I wanna live at state and start new life there. Will you allow me? Mom, dad?

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Ang tagal pa ng pasukan Feb. 05 pa!!😭😭 nakaka depress nga naman mag stay ng house. I can feel the boredness and sadness lalo na kapag wala kang pinag kaka-abalahan😔