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i drowned out the voice in my head with music in my headphones, pushing away my fears of an empty schedule for the summer. Knowing full well that sadness thrives when you’ve got nothing to do.

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It was like a dream, this has never happened before to me, or to really anyone in the world in modern years. But, like everything where good comes bad comes as well.

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I have hung out with zero people around my age this quarantine. I’ve been pretty good at closing myself off from the world. I sit in my bed looking at posts and stories of my friends around the world hanging out with friends going out and having a blast. I can’t do anything. I’ve learned that I have no friends here. No one.

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I had to make another. "The Absolutely True Diary of Grand Theft Auto 5 Online." - Connor Wilson

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I had to make another. "The Absolutely True Diary of Grand Theft Auto 5 Online." - Connor Wilson

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" I have driven down the streets of Los Santos many times. Nothing scares me more than looking on the bottom left hand of the screen and seeing the dreaded Mark 2 Oppressor on the mini map."

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"The Absolutely True Diary of Feeling Like 🤬"

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"The Absolutely True Diary of Feeling Like 🤬"

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It was just a normal day at my summer camp, and everyone was in the pool, which was really cold for me. It had only been two days and we were already having lots of fun but the fun for me and only me would stop from this part on going forward.

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Slowly, but surely, my emotions just started to fade and my numbness just became more and more present. Its like you drown in your own numbness but is that a feeling. Is it a feeling to drown in numbness. Is it a feeling to think that you're weird for not really feeling anything?

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After taking what felt like a 100 hour plane ride with only a few bags of my belongings I arrived at San Francisco Airport from Ireland. The sky was pitch black with blazing lights. The temperature was warm. warmer than I was used to. The plane ride had felt so long that my legs felt like noodles. I walked out of the plane and hopped out onto the jet bridge .  Walking from the jet bridge to the airport felt like a mile. In the airport we had to go on the escalator 14 times. 

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I sat in the back of my dad's shiny new pick up, bought with money I know he didn't have on child support, awkwardly shifting in my seat. Our eyes staring blankly forward as I used my silence as a punishment.

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Weakness is a part of everyone, even if they don't know it can be, or something you know or don't know.  Part of me is in my head. It's like a fictional character is talking to me saying, "to stop, "I don't want to talk to you, "sit back down, "avoid all human beings. 

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"Don't Judge a Book by Its Cover" Lucas Seifart

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"Don't Judge a Book by Its Cover" Lucas Seifart

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Of course I still make slight judgements about people, but who doesn’t. The difference between me then and now is that now I don’t write people off, because I know that if I get to know them, we could end up becoming good friends.

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So I sat there, munching on some cheerios remembering some of the good parts of computer school. There are also many good things about learning online that I really enjoy. “How could you say you like online school!” some of my friends would say, and yeah I do enjoy having something to do and almost feeling as if it is one on one learning.  oh boy, do I love that we can sleep into 9:00 Am! I haven't gotten this much sleep in a school year ever. Which I would think that almost every student could agree on.

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Racing with My Heart Rate by Izzy Facchetti 

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Racing with My Heart Rate by Izzy Facchetti 

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Anxiety is like a voice in your head that follows you around everywhere. It knows everything and anything about you. All your biggest insecurities and secrets. It uses them against you and tears you down in less then a second. And sometimes it gets to the point where it's the loudest voice in the room, and the only one you can hear.

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"The Absolutely True Diary of a Victim of Bullying" by Justine Le

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"The Absolutely True Diary of a Victim of Bullying" by Justine Le

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I dried off my tears and twirled her words around my finger, examining them closely. Why had I bullied myself after listening to him? Why hadn’t I just laughed it off and took it as a motive to improve? Why had I brought myself down in that situation? Then her words dawned on me. I smiled wide, grinning ear to ear, walking to class with newfound wisdom.

On Monday, I had walked into my favorite class, cheery and happy, having transformed Andrei’s words as positive feedback to improve. Four minutes later, his jaw dropped at my portrait of Laneya Grace, looking as silly as a clown who had just tripped over his own shoes, swimming in expired milk.

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"Use your coping skills" By: Sophia Schmiegel

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"Use your coping skills" By: Sophia Schmiegel

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Everyone is born special. At least that's what my doctor said. I started to notice my OCD and anxiety around the time where things got really stressful. I can't do this all the 🤬 time. Use your coping skills everyone would tell me. It was like I was drowning in my own thoughts and fears. No one would listen to me. I would cry, scream, yell, hide because I couldn't do it anymore.

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"The Story of a Common House Dweller" Alex Benedict

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"The Story of a Common House Dweller" Alex Benedict

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It all starts the same. We are born and sent out into the world. Everyone is born into different families either rich, poor, or middle class. Along with the many other things that make everyone's situation different. But most of us struggle with the same issues. Whether it be mental illness or family issues or all of the above there is always going to be someone else out there who understands and goes through the same things.

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My thoughts suddenly intruded my feeling of being proud to give him up but still being hurt.

He may still love you. He probably does. My thoughts said. But, that isn’t what matters is it? Even if he does think that, he won’t and doesn’t make an effort to see me or talk to me. It’s not worth it to spend my time waiting for him when he’s never gonna come back.

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My parents always say I am like a 70 year old grandma trapped inside a 14 year old’s body. I don't enjoy big crowds, concerts, parties, etc. My ideal weekend includes sewing, crocheting, and finishing homework. I enjoy sewing my own clothes, and crocheting sweaters, which I learned how to do from my grandma by the way. Maybe she is the reason I act like a 70 year old.

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Okay, so I may have paraphrased a little, but that was basically the entire conversation. Before that, we just had small conversations about anime and games. But nothing to this degree. That’s when I first realized that something was off.

The conversations continued, nothing too serious, but there were the occasional, “Everything’s too much,” or, “I hurt everyone around me.”

And every time, I listened, and I tried to help, but it was hard. I could never find the right words to say, and whatever I said, she always seemed to deflect it. It took an emotional toll on me, too. I felt guilty. I felt like I couldn’t help her to the best of my ability. And I worried.

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This is the place where the most intense psychological warfare I have ever experienced takes place. A young boy would enter,  and exit as a man. The horrors that you experience in this place will without a doubt put hair on your chest. This place where these atrocities take place is none other than, the Call of Duty voice chat.

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Even though I was already internally freaking out about getting into trouble (something that happens rarely when you’re an anxious person, because all the trouble you get in is in your own head!), I wanted this job to be as *magical* as I had imagined. I wanted to please the authority figures who believed in us letting them mold us like a marble statue - or become a marble floor (you can’t make this up). So I did what I do best. I told myself, and anyone who would listen, that this was fine. So, willingly, I learned and followed all of Mickey Mouses’ unwritten, albeit Orwellian rules.

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"The Absolutely True Diary of Grand Theft Auto 5 Online." - Connor Wilson

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"The Absolutely True Diary of Grand Theft Auto 5 Online." - Connor Wilson

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"If you ask your average Joe what their number one fear in life is, I guarantee it won’t be anything like losing their job, losing money, getting robbed, or anything like that. It will be seeing a Mark 2 Oppressor in the sky, watching them like an eagle."

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Before I can think, my feet lift of the floor and carry me down the hall, back to my room. *SLAM* the door shuts. There are no thoughts in my mind. Just swirling clouds of loud whispers.