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Train journeys are the best time to work on The Thing. So far The Thing has been to:
- London
- Lincoln
- Nottingham

I kind of don't hate it anymore.

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Zine making at Dizzy Ink in Nottingham for CVAN-EM

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I have what I believe is a pretty common problem for women like me. I'm in my mid-twenties, sort of directionless when it comes to a career, but also unable to make definitive moves. The problem is that I talk myself out of almost everything before giving it a proper shot. A lot of things, like grad school for example, are hard to "give a shot" without committing a lot of time and money. But the moment I think of something I might be interested in and good at, I come up with a long list of reasons why I would, in fact, not be good at it, and inevitably fail.

I like to write, and I'm good at it, but then I go on Twitter and see other women who are more successful, seem more intelligent, more informed, wittier, etc. I'm good at most jobs I've held (I currently work in a law office), because I am good at accomplishing the achievable goals set out for me. I was a good student, because it is not the completion of a task that is difficult for me, but rather the setting of those tasks. For some reason, when I think of a goal I'd like to achieve for myself, I convince myself before I begin that I will inevitably fail for any number of reasons.
I've heard the expression "bigger dummies than you" and try to think of this when I consider beginning something new or ambitious, but I seem to more easily believe the opposite: there will always be someone better than me trying to do the same thing as me, so why bother? I know it's important to try and to fail, but I don't have a lot of resources or time, so instead of trying and failing, I don't try, and I fail in my head, anyway. How do I stop dooming myself to mediocrity when I know I could do better?

You talk about success and failure a few times in your letter; "I could do X, but I might fail. Doing Y is a possibility- but what if I'm not successful at it?". So long as X and Y are new, vaguely risky moves and not aimlessly throwing meatballs at the side of your grandma's Hyundai- they're worth doing. But how can you work out exactly what those moves are?

Firstly: by digging deeper and forcing yourself to talk about the scary stuff. What level of risk can you stand at this point? What might you love doing as a job if you were already this dreamgirl version of yourself? What kind of savings would you need to carry it off? What are the logistics of following it through?

I can't tell you the answers to these questions. I don't even know your star-sign or what size croc you wear. I can give you this piece of advice though: TRY LOOKING FOR ANSWERS OUTSIDE YOUR OWN BRAIN MAZE FOR ONCE. Inside your brain-maze is the voice that tells you No, that tells you Wait, that tells you You Can't Have Four Cheeseburgers For Breakfast. The voice has told you for years that Things Like This Don't Happen For Girls Like You, and you've believed it.

To succeed you need to act in spite of that voice. You have to look at your heart and your hands and then put them to use. I know that's frustrating advice. You don't want it to happen like this. You want someone else to hand you the goal, to be the bearer of it, to give you the nod and say "This is what you're going to do." When asked by someone else you can leap fearlessly through flaming hoops. When asked by yourself for the same thing you falter, shrink in on yourself like a crisp bag in a bonfire. "I can't do that" you say, lying.

You like a goal that you can look in the eye and understand. You like a goal with a reassuring moustache. You like your goals to talk to you in a soothing Jeff Golblum-esque voice. A goal with a faint peachy, achievable glow. I get that - that makes sense. But figuring out what would make you happy in life is not a goal with a soothing voice or reassuring moustache. In fact it's not a goal at all and the more you ask it to become one the more stubbornly it stays a shapeless, monstrous, yelling impossibility of a thing. It's life! It's waking up everyday and doing things slightly differently than you did the day previously. It's knowing that you're doing something with your entire heart and that even if it doesn't make you money or get you the recognition that you eventually want- that it was worth doing. It's watching a tiny dog trot along a bridge and thinking "this planet can be the most marvellous place. I am happy to be here. I am going to make this count."

You can write. You're good at it. Currently though your brain is quicker than your hands and you've thought and thought and thought and ended up doing very little (or nothing). That's normal. Writers are very convincing people. We don't just have the right words, we have the wrong ones too, and a million more besides. So those right words - the ones that would get you off the ground and doing something - get buried deep down in the pile up of "very compelling reasons why I am not even going to try".

But you are going to try. Now, in fact. Today. Write in a journal, or on your phone, or on the back of your bald uncle's neck as he sleeps serenely in a hammock. Write at a desk, or in the bath, or on the train. Do it every day. Enter your work in a competition every few weeks without fail. Email articles to editors. Accept that they might never email back. Publish your essays on Medium. Link them to Facebook. Take a course. Do it however you want - just write.

Write because you can. Write because feeling yourself getting better at something you're working hard at is as close to God as you can get without eating a bag of week old eggs and running naked into the desert. Write because unlike going to grad school it doesn't cost a penny to do. Write because you want to.

And no, it won't feel vital and life-affirming at first (or probably for a long time) but you're going to do it anyway. You don't need to change everything at once, or tear apart your current life like an old piñata that may or may not contain something sweet. Sure, some people thrive in the free fall, in leaving one job before they've found another, in buying a pair of snakeskin flares without even trying those snakeskin flares on. Will they suit the snakeskin flares?? It doesn't matter! They don't care! It's anarchy!

That's not you, though. Put down the snakeskin flares. Keep your job until you know what's next. You're not wasting your time there. You probably know how to use a photocopier because of this job. Do you know how many adults can't do that? You could put a photocopier in a line up of human teenagers and I'd probably point to it and say "That was him officer. That was the one who hit me with his skateboard."

"Your life isn't a bomb to be diffused. There's no red wire you can cut to silence the alarms and hurry in the happy ending. Clarity won't come marching in like a clown with a fistful of balloons"

Listen: you have time. Your days are long enough. There's enough room here. Your life isn't a bomb to be diffused. There's no red wire you can cut to silence the alarms and hurry in the happy ending. Clarity won't come marching in like a clown with a fistful of balloons. "You're here! You made it! You're happy now! Finally, finally, you can stop trying so hard!" No such luck: the trying hard lasts forever. The trying hard is the point.

And it is hard. I find it hard. Some days I wake up terrified. The seconds ticking by all seem desperately important and so long as I'm not writing a bestseller or running on the treadmill or charming editors over coffee then I'm failing, fucking up, SQUANDERING THE RIPE DELICIOUS LEMON OF MY LIFE.

Then I breathe.

I get out of bed and make tea. I decide whether I'll sit down to work or if I'll watch Netflix and ignore my emails. There's no great reckoning either way. I try hard or I don't. I take the risk or I stay still. There's occasionally a moment of sheer joy when I'm writing and I feel like I'm exactly where I need to be. But then it passes and I'm here again- getting frustrated with the order of things, apologizing for my late reply, trying to organize deadlines around my day jobs. Cos that's what it feels like to be a young writer - frustrating. Scary. Vaguely irritating. Like eating bugs and not even the delicious ones. But we do it because we have to. It's our good fight.

Your good fight starts with accepting that you need to make changes. It starts with doing shit differently going forward. It starts with changing the landscape of your days by changing what you expose yourself to.

It starts with reading more and comparing less. It starts with having a fucking noodle cup and giving yourself a break. It starts with seeking out what sustains and inspires you and giving that a seat at your table. It starts with believing you can.

Good luck. Be brave.

Go feast on your life.

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I want to write but I think everyone's better than me

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I have what I believe is a pretty common problem for women like me. I'm in my mid-twenties, sort of directionless when it comes to a career, but also unable to make definitive moves. The problem is that I talk myself out of almost everything before giving it a proper shot.

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unwinding from a long day at Make.Practice.Perfect. with a weekend of HOURS AND HOURS OF ART ADMIN

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OPEM 4 is the fourth biennial open exhibition hosted by The Collection and Usher Gallery, and will showcase the work of local and regional artists who were chosen by a pair of industry experts (writer/curator Elinor Morgan & artist Brian Griffiths) based on the quality and originality of their work.

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Memorability as an Image
Opening night: 16 March 2017, 6-8pm
Memorability as an Image (2011-2016) is the governing title of three photographic studies, Heavy Simplicity (Patterned), Brutal Relics and Civic Stage. Together they examine the structures of experiences in loss and vision, of a post war movement that refuses to disappear.

Memorability as an Image lifts an idea through photography and offers a structural rhetoric of an Anglicised movement, which perhaps is now being viewed as an era of a 'Brutal Romantic' by means of verification, confirmation and comparison. James Smith challenged further research from 2011, which observed form, object and/or structure through theories of Brutalism. That same year the journal October (edition 136) was published with Ben Highman's essay "Image-breaking, God-making": Paolozzi's Brutalism, which featured this germane quote from the Smithson's;
"...Brutalism has been discussed stylistically, whereas in essence is ethical." Ethics, here, is seen as a form of objectivity; "Any discussion of Brutalism will miss the point if it does not take into account Brutalism's attempt to be objective about 'reality". 1, Memorability as an image: 2, Clear exhibition of structure; and 3,Valuation of Materials "as found". Remembering that an image is what affects the emotions, that structure, in it's fullest sense, is the relationship of parts, and that materials "as found" are raw materials.
The essay also highlighted architectural critic Reyner Banham's seminal description of his own coined term, New Brutalism.

One of several works to emerge from this initial research period was Heavy Simplicity (Patterned), the title taken from a Brutalist design term; 'an embrace of natural forms', realising how climates of northern and southern hemispheres can effect peoples' perception and opinion of the movement's aesthetics.

A more recently produced work that pays homage to Banham is Brutal Relics. Presented as maintained objects against black voids, these relics are all that is left from the former neglected Brutalist structure, Greyfriars Bus Station. They serve to inform a mood of the regressive thinking of media and local governance, which left the site blitzed to nothing. For Civic Stage, while still referencing Reyner Banhams's ' 1,2 & 3 ', Jacques Lacan's Mirror Stage inspires the title, relating to an observer's first immersion and apperception of a built landscape, found within itself but viewed entirely as surface.
About James Smith:
A publication will accompany the exhibition with three newly commissioned essays by Jonathan Hale, Ben Highmore & Nicholas Smith, plus a further photographic study appearing in the exhibition of the Greyfriars Bus Station. The book is being published by scopio EDITIONS, with the support of NN Contemporary Art and Centro de Comunicação e Representação Espacial (CCRE), a research group of the Faculty of Architecture, Porto University (FAUP), Portugal.

James Smith, after completing MA Photography (2012) at the Royal College of Art, has gone on to be shown in both solo and group exhibitions across the UK. Underpinning his current research and practice is a debate regarding the architecture of territory and the projection of politics, through aesthetic and cultural definitions of geographic positioning within the English landscape. The articulation of territory through form can be seen as a presentation of intuitive structures that radiate and demand their coexistence within a landscape. A structural rhetoric of the obstinate, the stubborn and the immovable become established chapters of identification.

Solo exhibitions include, Temporal Dislocation, Photofusion, London (2012), and the ACE funded London Overspill commission of four exhibitions; London Overspill, UH Galleries, Hatfield, (2012), Luton Overlay, Departure Lounge (2012/13), Estate, Gibberd Gallery, Harlow (2014) and Parkway, Peterborough Museum, Peterborough (2014). He is also a visiting lecturer to a number of universities and has work in private and public collections.

Events

From Art to Commerce
Saturday 25 March 2017, 11am - Marketing planning
Saturday 29 April 2017, 11am - Finance and funding
These monthly sessions, led by Tracey Clarke, are for anyone running a creative business or looking to start one. The first hour is a general workshop and the second hour consists of one-to-one short sessions. To book a one-to-one with Tracey please email[email protected] Spaces are limited so book early to avoid disappointment.

Bumps & Babes
Thursday 30 March 2017, 2-3pm
Thursday 27 April 2017, 2-3pm
Get messy with your baby or pre-schooler in these crayon-fuelled, finger painting sessions. Make sure you wear clothes that can handle paint!

Get Creative Family Workshop City of Dreams
Saturday 8 April 2017, 11am-12pm
Inspired by James Smith's exhibition Memorability as an Image, we will make architectural models, however eccentric, brutal, run down or gleaming new. An array of recycled, household and DIY building materials will be used in this workshop led by artist Emma Davies.

Before taking them home, models will be displayed and photographed to create our own online publication called City of Dreams.

This workshop is suitable for ages 7 years and above.
Part of BBC's Get Creative weekend.

Book launch & Symposium: Clear exhibition of structure
Saturday 8 April 2017, 1-3pm
Two of the authors in the book accompanying the exhibition will join James Smith for a public symposium to celebrate its launch. Architect and Professor of Architectural Theory Jonathan Hale and artist, editor and researcher Nicolas Smith will talk about their practices with artist James Smith. Together they will discuss object, surface, fabric and materiality extrapolating the narratives and the structures of experiences in loss and vision of a post-war architectural movement that refuses to disappear.

Write Club: Artist statements
Saturday 15 April 2017, 1-2pm
Join Catherine Hemelryk for a session on preparing an artist statement for a portfolio, website or job application. Bring examples of your current statement and a pen and paper, laptop or tablet.

Saturday 15 April 2017, 2-4pm
For artists by artists, bring your work in progress for friendly peer critique. Crit Group is led by Sayed Sattar Hasan and starts with one or two featured artist presentations before opening the conversation out to the regular peer critique. If you would like to be a future featured artist at Crit Group, email us at[email protected] .

Walking Tour of Brutalist Northampton
Saturday 22 April 2017, 1pm start at NN
Join artist James Smith for an informal tour of his exhibition at NN and a walking tour of the Brutalist buildings of Northampton. Find out more about James' artwork and the architecture past and present of Northampton.

Dress suitably for the season. Places are free, booking essential, click here.

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James Smith - NN Contemporary Art Northampton

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Memorability as an Image Opening night: 16 March 2017, 6-8pm Memorability as an Image (2011-2016) is the governing title of three photographic studies, Heavy Simplicity (Patterned), Brutal Relics and Civic Stage. Together they examine the structures of experiences in loss and vision, of a post war movement that...

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Web Hosting, Reseller Hosting & Domain Names from Heart Internet

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Reseller Hosting, Web Hosting, Dedicated Servers & Domain Names | Heart Internet

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(realisation that I regularly call this work in progress "The Thing" despite having settled on a title)

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How do we make art. How do we maintain our art practice. Where do we look for help.

The Collection & Usher Gallery, Danes Terrace, Lincoln LN2 1LP

At its 2017 Annual Event, Make.Practice.Perfect., CVAN EM along with guest contributors and attendees will consider how we make art and maintain an art practice, where we turn for help in the process and practice of making art, if we are looking in the right places and whether we need look at all.

Aimed at artists, students and academics, as well a non-practising public, this daylong event discusses how, where and why we produce art works today, what are the barriers to production and how we may overcome them through our working methods and accessing relevant networks and resources.

Contributors to the event are:

CVAN EM Document artists (Andrew Bracey, Geoff Litherland, Jessica Harby, Kajal Nisha Patel, Tim Shore, Tracey Kershaw) will collectively consider what has been of benefit to them in pursuing their practice.

Conohar Scott - lecturer in photographic theory and a practicing artist at the School of Media & Film, University of Lincoln. Conohar will consider art and capital, does art need money to be produced

Art and capital, does art need money to be produced.

Daniel Sean Kelly -artist, co-director of Two Queens and School of the Damned student 2017. Daniel will consider whether or not we need an art education.

Joanne Lee- photographer, writer, researcher and publisher and Senior Lecturer in Graphic Design at Sheffield Hallam University. Joanne will consider the notion of procrastination and what stops us from making work.

Mark Smith- Executive Director, Axisweb. Mark will consider out of the gallery practice, support structures and DYI practice.

Roma Piotrowska - Exhibitions Manager, Ikon Gallery. Roma will consider the notion and practice of useful art, self organisation and user generated content.

Contributors will pose a provocation to stimulate engagement from and discussion amongst attendees. Interactive sessions will consider what are the barriers to making work and whether they are perceived or actual, as well as what opportunities are available to us and what changes we can effect in the region to support our practices.

See the full programme and the contributors' biographies.

The event will be broadcast by this is tomorrow

Following the event, Dizzy Ink will lead a workshop in Nottingham on for Make.Practice.Perfect attendees to collaboratively create a two colour beak zine, featuring a set of principles and actions agreed on at the event and a design of their own using content from the event.

Our Annual Events are designed for and to inspire an open and diverse audience of those working in the sector as well as non-arts professionals. Featuring keynote speeches, discursive breakouts, informal networking and member contributions, these events allow us collectively to explore ideas relevant to the sector, capitalise on the knowledge, skills and assets of the network and expand its terms of reference and aspiration.

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Overview of 2017's annual event Make.Practice.Perfect, which will consider how, where and why we produce art works today, what are the barriers to production and how we may overcome them through our working methods and accessing relevant networks and resources.

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Started jogging again on my subpar joints to save my racing mind. Drawing on my body daily with physio tape.

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On Tuesday, December 6, 2016, a mummified human heart was packed into a small, custom-made, €700 suitcase, and hand-carried onto a plane bound from Belgium to Detroit.

The heart's carrier and custodian, who also toted a stack of customs forms and insurance paperwork, passed the organ through customs at Detroit, then carried it onto a flight to Dallas.

Though by no means a frequent flyer, that heart had traveled great distances before. It belonged to John Berchmans, a 17th-century Flemish Jesuit seminarian who died in Rome at the age of just 22. At the time, there was no question of repatriating his body. Transporting a whole, rapidly decomposing body over the Alps in 1621 would have been almost impossible.

Instead, a Jesuit priest on his way back to Belgium took the most important piece: his heart.

Berchmans was canonized in 1888, at which point his heart became a relic-a venerated remnant of a saint. In December 2016, after it left its home in Our Lady of Leliëndaal, a 17th-century Jesuit church on bustling shopping street in Mechelen, Belgium, for Dallas, it traveled 200 miles east by car to Shreveport, Louisiana, and its destination at the Cathedral of St. John Berchmans. There, the heart, in its silver and gold reliquary, spent 11 days being the focal point of a celebration nearly two years in the planning.

Getting permission from the Jesuits who keep the heart in their church, Our Lady of Leliëndaal in Mechelen, Belgium, was the first and perhaps most difficult step, says Father Peter Mangum, rector of the St. John Berchmans Cathedral and the architect of the heart's journey.

"The relic has not left Belgium in 395 years-my first request was met with a little kind of chuckle," he says.

The Jesuits' reaction is perhaps unsurprising: relics are incredibly important artifacts of Catholic faith. (We should note here that other religions also venerate relics-the Prophet Mohammed's beard is housed in Istanbul's Topkapı Palace, and the Buddha's canine tooth, which survived his cremation, lives in Kandy, Sri Lanka-and that secular relics also exist, such as Galileo's thumb and middle finger and Napoleon's penis. But it's the Catholic faith, and Orthodox faith, that really, really go in for relics.)

In Catholic tradition, relics are intended as a kind of physical link to God's power, evidence that God works miracles through the bodies of saintly, holy individuals, and that this power does not wane with death. It is a practice that runs deep in the Church; one of the earliest mentions of the power of a relic comes in the Old Testament, in Kings, when a touch from the remains of the prophet Elisha resurrects a dead man.

For every story from the Bible, there probably has been or is still a relic: Crusts from the bread of the Last Supper, feathers from the wings of the Angel Gabriel, the bones of the Three Magi, living in a gold reliquary in Cologne since 1164. Some are more improbable than others, such as the Virgin Mary's actual home, allegedly flown from Palestine to a small town in Italy by four angels in the 13th century.

Stories about the powers of relics are myriad, from the mummified head of St. Catherine that transformed into hundreds of rose petals and back again, to the perfumed fog that engulfed Calcata, near Rome, after the Holy Prepuce-Jesus's circumcised foreskin and allegedly the only piece of his body that remained on earth-was brought there in 1557.

As Christianity came to dominate the Western world and beyond, the demand for relics as a link to God grew. Many are built into the bones of Catholic churches: Early on, it was the practice to place the relic of a saint under the altar table during church construction, as a way of further sanctifying the space. Even now, whenever a church is constructed, the diocese must appeal to Rome to be supplied with a relic. In addition to being sealed away in churches and cathedrals, relics were often hawked on street corners at pilgrimage sites; the fact that they were typically small and portable made relics even more useful as objects of faith.

It also meant that from the very beginning, the potential for fakery was huge. The amoral and industrious could do a brisk trade in any old dead thing, saints' "finger bones," tatty bits of cloth supposedly worn by the Virgin Mary, and suspicious vials of liquid meant to be blood or tears or even holy breast milk. Even if there was no outright trickery involved, a combination of passing centuries, tradition, and wishful thinking has meant that there are, for example, several sites claiming to have the skull of John the Baptist.

There are now hundreds of thousands of relics scattered throughout the Catholic world, divided into three classes. First class relics are body parts of the saints, such as the heart of St. John Berchmans, St. Thomas of Hereford's leg, the disintegrating eyeball of Catholic martyr, Blessed Edward Oldcorne, or the objects intimately involved in Christ's Passion, such as wood from the True Cross. Second-class relics are objects that once belonged to a saint, such as piece of cloth from St. Joseph's (probably not technicolor) cloak. Third-class relics are objects that were touched to a verified first- or second-class relic, so there's an almost limitless number of potential third-class relics. Stricter emphasis on authenticity in the last century meant that some dubious relics were taken out of circulation, and now, museums sometimes display notable reliquaries without their disproven contents.

Search "reliquary" on eBay, though, and hundreds of "authentic" relics of long-dead saints pop up, some more dubious than others-a piece of the Shroud of Turin and a sliver of an actual thorn from Jesus's Crown of Thorns among them-and fetching upwards of $15,000.

This, notably, is in direct violation of Church Canon Law number 1190: "It is absolutely forbidden to sell sacred relics" (for the record, it's related to "simony," one of the lesser known sins), and strains eBay's own regulations regarding "authenticity."

But for the devoted, opportunities for veneration might be few-travel to the places where these relics live can be prohibitively expensive. Which is why some of these verified relics, like St. John Berchmans' heart, go on tour.

Despite initially getting the brush off when he asked to have St. John's heart visit the Shreveport cathedral that celebrates him, Father Peter persisted. And timing was in his favor: 2016 marked the 150th anniversary of the miracle that got St. John Berchmans canonized, an event that happened in the same state. (In 1866, a would-be nun fell desperately, vomiting-blood-ill in tiny Grand Coteau, Louisiana. Through the intercession of Blessed Berchmans, she says, she was cured. St. John Berchmans is now the patron saint of youth, students, and altar servers.)

The cost of bringing the heart to the Cathedral so far is around $20,000, paid for by the Diocese, but, Father Peter says, "the expense, ultimately, is minor compared to the spiritual rewards that we are already seeing."

Though this was only the second time in its independent life that the heart made such a big journey, relics of other saints spend much more time on the road. The floating rib and skin from the cheek of St. Anthony of Padua have been touring the world for the last 20 years. In 2016 alone, the relics, in their gold reliquaries, visited New York, New Jersey and Connecticut, Vancouver and British Columbia, Denver, Colorado, and Houston, Texas, as well as the Philippines, Ireland, and the UK, in the carry-on baggage of their Franciscan guardian, Father Mario Conti.

In February 2017, these relics will travel to Austin, Texas, accompanied by Father Mario and Tom Muscatello, the US representative of the Anthonian Association of America, who organizes the U.S. and Canadian tours of the relics. Tours are paid for in part by donations from the faithful; there is no cost to the churches visited. Muscatello wouldn't divulge how much a typical tour costs, but said, "It's not an extreme cost, but when you're on a Franciscan budget, it's a cost."

In the years that they have been touring together, Father Mario has had few problems getting the relics in or out of countries. But the fact that he is traveling with human remains can get a little weird. Muscatello laughed when asked about getting relics through TSA check-points, although he said that most of the time, the relics make it through the scanner with little comment.

It's typically customs where things might get held up, as in the case of the heart relic of St. Philip Neri, which spent a day in customs after arriving in Washington, DC in January 2016.

"If someone's Catholic at the customs, they probably know what a reliquary is," Muscatello pointed out. "But we had one problem in Los Angeles," he said, laughing. "What happened in Los Angeles, the guy said, 'What the heck are these?'... The guy thought Father Mario was absolutely crazy." It took some explaining, he said, but they managed.

Father Peter and Muscatello agreed that relic tours have increased in America over the last 20 years, so perhaps customs officials are getting used to seeing the body parts of saints packed snugly into custom carry-on suitcases. That uptick might be in part due to the fact that America is historically short on relics compared to Europe, and travel between continents is easier (mostly) than it was, but Muscatello also attributes the rise to demand and curiosity.

"[The relic visit] gathers Catholics who are very curious to come in contact with the reliquary, it gathers people because they want to know what veneration is and they want to know what this whole exercise of venerating a relic of a saint is," he explained.

So, what is it that attracts the faithful in droves? Is it the same thing that drives fans to collect shoes worn by Alyssa Milano, a bra worn by Katy Perry, snippets of clothing worn by Kevin Spacey or Arnold Schwarzenegger (thank you, eBay's Celebrity Worn page)? Not exactly, although Father Peter acknowledged that there is some of that need for a transitive physical connection in there. For Father Peter, though, veneration of a relic is tied to the Catholic faith's unique grounding in the physical body.

"The Catholic Church recognizes the body as being good, not just good, but very good, and after death, we believe in the resurrection of the body ... We are spirit-body creatures," he says, meaning that the body is a temple for the Holy Spirit, and a conduit for it.

This is in line with the Church's message on the veneration of saints' relics (which is largely the same message since the 16th-century Council of Trent): In 2005, Pope Benedict XVI explained, "The relics direct us towards God himself: it is he who, by the power of his grace, grants to weak human beings the courage to bear witness to him before the world... [T]he Church does not forget that, in the end, these are indeed just human bones, but they are bones that belonged to individuals touched by the living power of God."

But the function of relics also seems to be to remind the faithful not of a saint's holiness, but of their humanity. These were real people, who wore cloaks and carried cups, had teeth and cheeks and kneecaps; they may have struggled, had doubts, made strange decisions, met grisly ends, but they were people - and, says Father Peter, role models, proof. "It can be done, everything that we talk about in church. People can lead a holy life."

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The Practicalities of Transporting a 400-Year-Old Heart

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On Tuesday, December 6, 2016, a mummified human heart was packed into a small, custom-made, €700 suitcase, and hand-carried onto a plane bound from Belgium to Detroit. The heart's carrier and custodian, who also toted a stack of customs forms and insurance paperwork, passed the organ through customs at Detroit, then carried it onto a flight to Dallas.

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Dame Paula Rego is wearing a red cardigan and a necklace of brightly coloured mice. Sitting in her studio surrounded by a strange population of life-size "dollies", discombobulated animals, disembodied faces and racks of costumes, she greets her son, film-maker Nick Willing. He has just completed a documentary about her, which will be aired on the BBC next week.

This deeply intimate film ranges across the life and art of the Portuguese-born artist, whose work is bracketed with Lucian Freud, Frank Auerbach and David Hockney. She talks about sex and abortions (she's had several), her complex relationship with her husband, artist Victor Willing, giving birth ("like a great big screw") and affairs (by both partners), politics, bankruptcy, family and depression. Of all these, it is only depression she is reticent about. It's the only one that makes her feel "ashamed".

In 2007, Rego had a particularly desperate bout of depression, which her son says nearly killed her, before she "drew her way out of it". She created 12 large pastels of a woman - isolated, fearful, paralysed, constricted - then locked them away in a drawer. "She had put the depression into them," says Willing, "and was afraid it could come out again."

He didn't even know the images existed until, shortly after her 80th birthday, "My mother started telling me stories I hadn't heard before, so I asked if I could make a film about her. Even a few years ago, she would have told me to fuck off - but to my amazement, she agreed." His sister suggested he ask about depression, and the result was Rego unlocking the depression pictures on camera - and their public display in an exhibition that opens in London next week.

Rego speaks quietly and deliberately, occasionally tilting her head like a child, gauging the effect of her words. "Some of the pictures I didn't remember doing," she says, "but I've been depressed so often." Today, Rego can view the images more comfortably: "Now they're pictures, it's all right". This is a theme that runs through her life and work: traumas are turned into art; difficult emotions are worked through in images. Sometimes she uses dark fairytales or children's stories as a starting point and, she says, they turn into something more personal as she works. At other times, she is painfully direct.

Willing has got up from his chair and is standing in front of some drawings pinned to the wall. They show a bruised and battered face. "Mum fell just after Christmas," he says. "She looked like Mike Tyson, so she rushed here and did five self-portraits - her first." Rego looks up at them, a smile across her healed cheeks. She normally refuses to depict her face ("embarrassing"). But she says: "I loved doing those. I didn't like the fall, and the ambulance was the worst, but the self-portraits I liked doing. I had something to show."

Rego features in many of her own pictures, including the depression series, but her role is always taken by Lila, who has been her assistant and model for the last 30 years: "Lila is me," Rego says. Willing was surprised at how he reacted to the unveiling of the depression pastels. He was expecting to be shocked, to feel sorry for his mother. "But I didn't. I didn't see her at all. I saw depression, as I or anyone else suffers it. The art was already working."

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Strange relief ... Nick in the studio with his mother. Photograph: Nick Willing

This recognition is what art is all about, he says, echoing his father's words to him when he was eight. Willing tells me he was angry his parents were leaving him with his grandparents in Portugal, yet again, while they returned to their studio in Camden Town, London. "I asked my father what was so bloody important about art that it should take them away? I understood about doctors and firemen - but artists? My father said, as if he were explaining how the Earth goes round the sun, that an artist is like an explorer who goes to worlds where no one has ever been and brings back a picture. And although we've never seen it before, we all recognise it. Even then, that took my breath away and I thought, 'That is the most important thing anyone can do.'"

That didn't stop him from feeling cut out of his parents' lives, however, and the recognition afforded by the depression pictures also brought a strange - if belated - relief. Even on the rare occasions in his childhood when his mother was there, he says, "She wasn't really present. She was beautiful and glamorous and she would sometimes sit and draw with me - her idea of real closeness. But even then she was often withdrawn, drugged or drunk, closed to me." Only now, taking in the depression pictures in his 50s, "protected" by his camera, did he finally understand "that this was not my fault. It wasn't because I was a bad drawer or a bad person. It was depression and her attempts to hide it."

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'A few years ago, she would have told me to fuck off' ...Paula Rego with her mouse necklace. Photograph: Juliet Rix

There were other reasons, too: "To be a great artist, her emotional energy had to go into her work," he says, which meant there wasn't much left for her children, especially as there was another call on her emotions: "She was deeply in love and lust with my father." Rego is now slightly embarrassed about her unflinching description on camera of her first meeting with Victor. They were at a party and he (a married man) led her into an empty room and said simply, "Take down your knickers", and she did.

Her son wasn't shocked by this story: "It was family folklore, and when my mother told us [as children] it sounded romantic. When she told it for the film - adding that she was a virgin, there was blood everywhere and he didn't even get her a cab home - I heard for the first time that it was closer to rape. It was horrible."

It was also, mother and son agree, the start of the most important relationship of her life - and art. "She always did whatever he wanted," Willing says. "He never told her he loved her. He shagged her best friend, but he was the smartest man I've ever met, and he fed her in all sorts of ways." And the letter he left her when he died in 1988, a letter not spoken about before, "kept that feeding going". It said: "Trust yourself and you will be your own best friend."

Willing repeats the words "will be" and says: "He knew she wasn't. She carried that letter next to her heart for 20 years. It gave her strength." Some of her most disturbing - and most successful - work was done at this time. "The Dog Women, the abortion pictures, and Target - a woman helping her husband to shoot her! - are all about being with him." Their life together, his early departure from it and that letter were central to the success that came to her soon after his death and turned her into one of the UK's, as well as Portugal's, most admired contemporary artists.

Willing believes that his ability to get his mother to talk so freely is partly down to his resemblance to Victor. "Nick looks very like his father," Rego agrees, glancing adoringly across at him, "but he's not like him, thank God. Nick's a normal boy, chap, man." Did she feel making the film brought them closer? "We were already close," she says, telling me how they travelled across Europe together to see Bruegel's Fall of Icarus when Willing was 14, as if this proves their closeness beyond doubt.

Unrepentantly, however, she admits that the children were kept well away from her work. Even in the summer, the only time the family lived together, in a "magical" summer house in a Portuguese fishing village, "we didn't let them into the studio when they were banging on the door".

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Rare times together ... Nick with his parents in Portugal in 1970. Photograph: Nick Willing

"Never," confirms Willing. "You could knock on that door with a broken leg and they wouldn't open it." Only once did the studio door open to him as a boy: "I had done a drawing of two men fighting. It was quite expressionist. I pushed it under the studio door. The door opened and my mother was holding the picture. She asked me what it was about. I made up a story and she listened intently. Later I discovered she had cut it up and put it in one of her pictures and I thought, 'Fuck, the power of art - it really gets to people. It can even get to my mother!'"

The film Willing has made is perhaps his adult version of the drawing under the studio door. Certainly, it has connected him with his mother and Rego is delighted with it. Willing, however, is a little afraid. "I made the film to try to understand and get close to my mum, but I've trespassed into her world, her work. I am not afraid of damaging her, but I am terrified of having a detrimental effect on the thing that matters most to her in the world: her art."

Rego is unconcerned. She lets life happen to her, then deals with the consequences in art. She rarely takes control, Willing agrees, "except in secret, like her affairs - and of course in her work". I look again at Rego's necklace. She's a bit like one of those brightly coloured mice. "My grand-daughter made this for me," she says, and squeezes one of the mice. It lets out a loud squeak and she giggles like a child.

* Paula Rego: Depression Series is at Marlborough Fine Art, London, from 14 March until 1 April. Paula Rego: Secrets & Stories is on BBC2 at 9pm on 25 March.
Topics

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All about my mother: the demons of Paula Rego - by her son

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Nick Willing grew up feeling excluded by his mother's passion for art. Now she has let him into her life for a brutally honest BBC film about the depression that almost killed her - and the self-portraits she made to survive

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photos of me and The Thing by the lovely Joe Brown

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David Letterman in this interview 100% sounds like me when I run into someone at my studio and realise halfway into the conversation that I've been silent and isolated in my work for days.

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Since retiring after 33 years on the late night television, David Letterman has kept a low public profile - aided by the growth of a truly impressive beard. But that doesn't mean he hasn't been as fixated on politics as the rest of us. "If I still had a show," says the 69-year-old, dressed in a baggy sweater and cargo pants and sitting high above midtown Manhattan in a conference room at his publicist's offices, "people would have to come and take me off the stage. 'Dave, that's enough about Trump. We've run out of tape.' It's all I'd be talking about. I'd be exhausted." Late-night TV comedy has offered some of the sharpest - and most-remarked-upon - responses to the Trump presidency. But despite the work of Stephen Colbert, Seth Meyers, Saturday Night Live, and the rest, it's hard not to wish Letterman, late-night's greatest ironist and most ornery host, was still around to take aim. And so we've brought him out of retirement to weigh in on life after television and his old frequent guest and punching bag, the man he calls Trumpy.

David Marchese: I've always loved Leaves of Grass, so it's a pleasure to meet the man who wrote it.
David Letterman: I've given up on making that kind of joke because I ran out of people with beards other than Walt Whitman that anyone knew - the joke didn't work as well when I used Frederick Douglass. But great things have happened to me since I've been walking around with this beard. I was in Santa Monica, at the Ocean Park Café, and this woman comes over and she says, "Are you who I think you are?" And I said, "That depends on who you think I am." She said, "You're Chuck Close." I said, "Yeah, yeah, I am." She said, "Oh my God" - she has a whole story. She was an art major, and for her final project she did a pencil-drawing portrait of Chuck Close. She said, "It was the best thing I did in all of college." I finally said, "I'm not Chuck Close." Boom, she's out like a shot. Gone. Then she comes back and says, "That really disappoints me."

The other thing is that somebody who loves Chuck Close that much might know that, unlike you, he's in a wheelchair.
Good point. I wish you had been with us. Another time with this beard, I was in New York City standing on Sixth Avenue, and a woman on the sidewalk looked at me and she said, "Do you have a television show?" "No, I don't." "Did you used to have a television show?" "Yes, I did." "What happened?" "I got fired." "Are you David Letterman?" "Yes, I am." And then she said, "Man, they fucked you up."

Did CBS fuck you up?
What do you know? What have you heard? If anybody fucked me up, it was me, by getting old and stupid.

Have you ever wondered what you might've said if you'd been doing The Late Show the night after Trump was elected?
No, I haven't thought about it. See, I was out running one day when he was still president-elect, and I thought, Let's call him. I've known the guy since the '80s. I was one of a few people who had routinely interviewed him. I'm not blinded by the white-hot light of "president-elect." I mean, we elected a guy with that hair? Why don't we investigate that? He looks like Al Jardine of the Beach Boys. I don't know. I'm sorry for rambling. I'm afraid something has happened to me hormonally. I can't stop talking.

I mean, we elected a guy with that hair? Why don't we investigatethat?

And that's why you're okay with being off the air?
I'm afraid if I still had a show, it would be a lot of, "We're spending quite a lot of money on editing, Dave. If you could just keep it to an hour, we'd all appreciate that, because we have big stars who've flown in from Hollywood to be here."

As someone who interviewed Trump dozens of times, how did your estimation of him change over the years? The first time he came on Late Night, which I think was in '87, there's deference on your part to the idea that he might know something about the economy.
He was a mogul, for God's sake.

By 2012, you're making fun of his hair apparatus and explaining to him that his ties were being made in China.
I always regarded him as, if you're going to have New York City, you gotta have a Donald Trump. He was a joke of a wealthy guy. We didn't take him seriously. He'd sit down, and I would just start making fun of him. He never had any retort. He was big and doughy, and you could beat him up. He seemed to have a good time, and the audience loved it, and that was Donald Trump. Beyond that, I remember a friend in the PR business told me that he knew for a fact - this was three or four presidential campaigns ago - that Donald Trump would never run for president; he was just monkeying around for the publicity. So I assumed that was the story and now it turns out he's the president. Now, who owns New York?

It's a family. The Wassersteins.
Say the head of the family, let's say his name was Larry Wasserstein. If Larry behaved the way Donald behaves, for even a six-week period, the family would get together and say, "Jesus, somebody better call the doctor." Then they'd ask him to step down. But Trump's the president and he can lie about anything from the time he wakes up to what he has for lunch and he's still the president. I don't get that. I'm tired of people being bewildered about everything he says: "I can't believe he said that." We gotta stop that and instead figure out ways to protect ourselves from him. We know he's crazy. We gotta take care of ourselves here now.

How? Is comedy useful for that?
Comedy's one of the ways that we can protect ourselves. Alec Baldwin deserves a Presidential Medal of Freedom. Sadly, he's not going to get it from this president.

Can you explain that a bit more? How does satire protect us from Donald Trump?
The man has such thin skin that if you keep pressure on him - I remember there was a baseball game in Cleveland, and a swarm of flies came on the field and the batters were doing this [ mimes swatting at flies] while the pitcher was throwing 100 miles an hour. Well, that's Alec Baldwin and Saturday Night Live. It's distracting the batter. Eventually Trump's going to take a fastball off the sternum and have to leave the game.

There's this idea that reducing Trump to a punchline could make him seem harmless or helps to normalize him. Is there any validity to that argument?
I guess it's a possibility. On the other hand, Donald Trump can be Donald Trump, but if he doesn't help the people that need help, then he's just a jerk. That press conference that he held berating the news media? I mean, how do you build a dictatorship? First, you undermine the press: "The only truth you're going to hear is from me." And he hires the Hunchback of Notre Dame, Steve Bannon, to be his little buddy. Bannon looks like a guy who goes to lunch, gets drunk, and comes back to the office: "Steve, could you have just one drink?" "Fuck you." How is a white supremacist the chief adviser to our president? Did anybody look that up? I don't know. How's this interview going? Do you think you're talking to a normal person here? Don't I seem like I'm full of something?
Watch a supercut of all the times Letterman has interviewed Trump over the years:
You're sure you're not missing being on the air? It seems like you've got a lot to say.
This is the way I'd be every night, and the next thing you know, I'd be slumped over in my chair and that would be it.

But it's such an amazing group of targets. The comedy potential of these people is incredible.
It's delightful. Kellyanne Conway was my favorite for a long time. This thing about her telling everyone, "Go buy Ivanka's shoes; I'm going to go buy Ivanka's shoes. Hell, I'll buy you a pair of Ivanka's shoes." Then they had to counsel her. Boy, if this administration decides you need counseling - whoa. And poor Sean Spicer is a boob who just got out of a cab and now here he is. Then the other kid, is it Miller?

Stephen Miller.
Wow, that guy is creepy. He fell out of a truck. And the guy from Exxon, Rex Tillerson. Don would say, "Rex, if you're talking to your friends, ask them" - I'm sure the Russians groomed Trump. They gave him tips: "You want to be an authoritarian dictator? Sure, that's not a problem. We'll tell you how to do it, for God's sake." I think it was just all like that, because that's the way Trump does business: "See if they'll give us the tar coating? They'll throw that in? Great, great. And by the way, we're not paying the last 10 percent of the bill." I think it's the same shit.

Conversion therapy. There's debate about whether or not Pence actually supported it.
Yes, conversion therapy. That's when I just thought, Oh God, really, Indiana? I don't care if you're a fundamentalist Christian - even they have gay relatives. They can't be saying homosexuality is a sin. It's horseshit. Then this transgender issue that just happened, I just think, Are you kidding me? Look, you're a human, I'm a human. We're breathing the same air. We have the same problems. We're trying to get through our day. Who the fuck are you to throw a log in the road of somebody who has a different set of difficulties in life?

Aside from SNL and Alec Baldwin, who else in late-night TV comedy is doing good work?
I don't watch any of it. I don't watch my old show. I will see clips now and stuff. I was at a thing the other night and so was Lorne Michaels. This guy is now the prince of New York. People are waiting in line to thank him for what he's doing to Trump. He's given us a little breathing room. He's loosened the noose. And the scary goddamn thing is that Don would like that not to be the case.

It's clear he cares so much about how he's portrayed.
He would really rather not have a society where free speech was going to be a factor. I'm telling you, there's something between him and the Russians. "What color tie should I wear?" "Tell him red." "They say red, Don." "Okay, red it is."

I do like the idea that Putin has something on Don and decided: "Let's get him in office, and we'll get things to go our way." That's beginning to sound like an Alex Jones theory, but that'd be fun, wouldn't it?

I have a conspiracy theory that your blackmail was a Vladimir Putin long game to get you off the air. You weren't very nice to him over the years.
Now we be having a conversation! Wow. I'm going to look into this. This is tremendous.

If you're a comedian or a late-night host, is there a responsibility to be taking on Trump? Would you understand the position of someone who said, "That's just not what I do"?
I think you have an obligation.

I remember talking to Norm Macdonald about this subject after Jimmy Fallon was criticized for goofing around with Trump like he's a cuddly teddy bear. Norm's opinion was that criticizing Fallon for not asking hard-hitting questions wasn't fair. It's like criticizing a penguin for not flying.
I know exactly what you're talking about with Jimmy Fallon. Jimmy got a fantastic viral clip out of that. The comparison that comes to mind is during the Vietnam War, Johnny Carson had an unstated policy that he would never mention the war. He would talk about the personalities involved, but not the war. His theory was, with the six o'clock news, the last thing people wanted to hear more of was young Americans dying painfully.

I'm not sure how that comparison shakes out in terms of Fallon.
There is that obligation. We used to have a joke we'd do about booking guests: "Guess what?" "What?" "Neil Armstrong is going to be on the show." "Neil Armstrong? That's fantastic." "He doesn't want to talk about the moon." I don't want to criticize Jimmy Fallon, but I can only tell you what I would have done in that situation: I would have gone to work on Trump. But the thing about it is, you don't have to concoct a complicated satirical premise to joke about Donald Trump. It's not, "Two guys walk into a bar ..."

The premise being that the president is a lying idiot?
Your words, not mine!

For probably the first half or so of your TV career, you stayed away from politics -
Because Carson was my model. I'll tell you the other thing: All of that changed because of Jon Stewart.

Because what he did on The Daily Show influenced you?
I wouldn't say that, but he made it so that not doing political stuff got to be the elephant in the room. And also it was having Monica Lewinsky and President Clinton. It was hard to ignore that. We're always looking for the easiest path, the most obvious joke. Bill Clinton having sex with the intern, well, that's not comedic heavy lifting. After that it became George W. Bush, and I thought he was funny in a harmless way. I mean, Dick Cheney was the guy to keep your eye on at a party, because he'd be going through your wife's purse. But George W. was nothing but fun.

So the political jokes were about expedience?
We changed our attitude to make it easier on ourselves. And again, what defense do you have for ignoring these topics? None, really.

Do you feel like -
This is like visitors' day at prison for me.

I'm lonely, I can't stop talking. This is like visitors' day at prison forme.

I wish we were all better at ignoring the tweets. Just because Trump blurts something on Twitter doesn't mean we have to run around pulling our hair out every time he does it. It seems counterproductive.
That's my point: Let's stop that. We don't need more confirmation that there's something wrong with Donald Trump. Let's instead find ways to rebuild what is rational. And the Democrats, goddamn it, get a little backbone, get a little spine.

The only person I can trust anymore is Al Franken, who has a great brain and a great heart. I believe what he says.

And what's he been telling you?
We haven't talked much about Trumpy. We talked during the election about Ted Cruz. He told me, "Ted Cruz is one of the smartest men I've ever met. He's scary smart."

You figure, for somebody as viscerally unlikable as Ted Cruz to get as far as he's gotten, he must be pretty smart.
And this was coming from Al Franken, who I think is one of the one of the smartest people I've ever met. And one of the three funniest.

Who are the other two?
Norm Macdonald and a guy named Jim Downey.

Aside from the hunt for viral videos, it seems like late night also had a shift in its style of comedy. It moved away from the irony and sarcasm you were known for and toward something more earnest. I mean, Jay Leno would seem like a smartass now. Did you notice that shift happening?
No, I didn't. I was so single-minded in getting through the hour, and sarcasm is so easy. The quote is "Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit." If you can't think of something funny, say something sarcastic. That worked and also got me in a lot of trouble. People would accuse me of being mean. Well, yes, sarcasm probably is mean; but on the other hand, I'm just trying to get a laugh, so leave me alone. "Hey, nice shirt" - ha-ha-ha. Big, big laugh: "Nice shirt." Good night, everybody!

Were there ever instances where you thought, Maybe I was too hard on that person?
Oh, yeah. I always felt like, We got 500 people in the audience and it's my responsibility to get a laugh. Many times, the laugh would come at the expense of the guest. I regret that now, but at the time you think, I've got to do anything to keep my head above water. So it's "Hey, nice shirt." And then it's "Oh, my mother made this shirt - how could you have said that?"

Your interview with Paris Hilton was famously rough.
I remember that. She went to jail and had a sandwich or whatever she did there and then came home. I was fascinated by this. And the poor woman said to me, "I don't want to talk about being in jail." I felt like I could circumnavigate that. I said, "Well, that's all I want to talk about." If you had a chance to talk to Paris Hilton in those days, you just kind of want to talk about, "Well, no, seriously, you were in jail." But that upset her and she cried and I called her and apologized. I think I bought her a car, too. As the guy operating the machinery sometimes, it was "You're going a little fast here, pal." It was easy to overdo it.

Joaquin Phoenix is another one you wouldn't let off the hook.
I mean, he came out begging to be beat up. How can you not take a couple of swings?

The line you had at the end of that interview was perfect: "I'm sorry you couldn't be here tonight."
Is it sexist of me to make this observation? You have Paris Hilton, who is beautiful and kind and introverted, versus Joaquin Phoenix, who comes out in a Halloween costume. So you can say that line to him. I don't know that you can say it to her. Anyway, I ought to be in prison as a result of this conversation I'm having with you right now.

If you could snap your fingers and make it happen, who'd be a dream interview for you?
I think about that all the time. It would be great to talk to Bob Marley. Because when Bob Marley left us, he was politically active. He was the biggest musical star in the world, and he came from such desperate circumstances. It seems like we don't have that person now whose life and music and behavior apply to soothing the waters of world strife.

Bob Marley's last two albums were called and I don't know that he'd only be singing "One Love" in 2017.
But I think also the situation politically was probably ignored back then and he was bringing it to light, whereas now we're more aware. It might have been easier to overlook things in those days; hence the music. But I'm just fascinated by the guy. I read the biography Catch a Fire. That's where my interest was born. And how about the music? It's still great.

How about somebody who's alive?
I'll take Living Legends for $100, Alex. Let's see, somebody who's alive. Well, Trump.

How would you handle it?
I would just start with a list. "You did this. You did that. Don't you feel stupid for having done that, Don? And who's this goon Steve Bannon, and why do you want a white supremacist as one of your advisers? Come on, Don, we both know you're lying. Now, stop it." I think I would be in the position to give him a bit of a scolding and he would have to sit there and take it. Yeah, I would like an hour with Donald Trump; an hour and a half.

It was clear that as The Late Show went on, you were more interested in the conversations than the comedy. What sort of guests were you most excited by?
Bill O'Reilly - before he became standard talk-show fare. All I knew about him was that his ideology seemed counter to mine. My premise with him was that "You're too smart to believe the things you're saying. Aren't you just playing the part of the right-wing buffoon?" For a long time, I used to think that was true. I always liked having folks on that were not the mainstream.

And calling you a sellout.
Yeah, and then I admonished him for it. We were constantly negotiating with Harvey, "Oh, can you come back?" "No." "Please?" I don't know if shows have guys like Harvey on these days.

I don't think they do.
Well, are there guys like Harvey? That was great fun, and it was when we were on at 12:30, and we were working to not get just the leftovers from The Tonight Show. We had to establish an identity for ourselves. And Harvey and others were instrumental in that. Andy Kaufman, too, of course. One wonders, if he were alive today, what those appearances would be like. Jesus, that was fantastic.

What are your thoughts on Colbert?
Only just what you say, that a lot of people have been able to root themselves in the Trump tsunami, and Stephen is one of them. I'm aware that Stephen has been able to solidify his position, or - having not seen the show, I don't know what the situation was prior. I can't say much about these shows, because I just don't watch them.

Are you not watching because you're not awake at 11:30 or because you did it for so long that you're no longer interested?
The latter is correct. Having done it for 30 years with this blind devotion to the project, and then having been a participant in the late-night wars, which, there's no war now at all - and it was always me and Leno and me and Leno and me and Leno. I realize, Jesus, what was the matter with me? So, well ... the truth is I can't stay up that late.

Have you and Jay been in touch at all since you left The Late Show?
No. I'm assuming I will bump into him before we die.

You've said elsewhere that you'd hoped CBS would have considered a woman to replace you. Why do you think there has been such resistance to having a woman host a late-night talk show?
I think it's inertia. Inertia is hard to break. It's like, "Oh, we gotta get a new face in there. It's always been a man, so we don't want to rock the boat by adjusting to a new face which happens to belong to a woman." I just think that a woman host would have been cool. At the top of the list are Tina Fey and Amy Schumer.

Your writers' room over the years didn't exactly have the most egalitarian reputation.
I don't know about my writers' room. I never went to the writers' room, so I have no idea what went on there. I stayed away: "Just call me when you're done."

How are you not normal?
I can't stop talking. We go and have cheeseburgers every Friday night, and I'm always worried that, you know, in the old days, you got a cheeseburger with everything. Not a problem. Now, you may not get everything. So I have to grill the counter kid: "Am I going to get everything on the burger?" And Harry's just, "Oh my God. Stop it, please." So I want him to be proud of me, but I don't know that having a television show is what makes a kid proud of you.

He doesn't pester you with questions about what Alan Kalter was really like?
Well, that, he's fascinated by. It's funny, Harry used to come to the show. He would watch the show. When I said to him - because I was a ninny; I just assume everything is going to be an earthquake for the kid - I said, "Harry, pretty soon I'm not going to have a job. I'm retiring. But everything will be the same." And he said, "Will I still get to watch the Cartoon Network?" That was his concern about my retirement.

What was the verdict on the Cartoon Network?
No more Cartoon Network when Daddy's retired.

What do you beat yourself up about now?
Mostly about my role as a father. I will say to my wife, Regina, "What about this, and do you think that?" Then from the next room, you hear, "What are you guys talking about?" And you realize, Oh shit, Harry's heard every God-dang thing I didn't want him to hear. The universe of worries and anxieties that I possess with regard to my son's welfare seems to be infinite. Now, if I had a daughter, then I would have ill treatment from men to add to that universe of worries and anxieties.

You mean when we asked to do this interview?
Yeah, "Is there anything we can do for Dad? He's getting a little ..."

Was it hard to adjust to civilian life?
It's still hard. I have trouble operating the phone. That's the God's truth. I needed a pair of shoelaces. And I thought, Hell, where do you get shoelaces? And my friend said, there's a place over off I-84, it's the Designer Shoe Warehouse. So I go over there, and it's a building the size of the Pentagon. It's enormous. If you took somebody from - I don't know, pick a country where they don't have Designer Shoe Warehouses - blindfolded them and turned them loose in this place, they would just think, You people are insane. Who needs this many shoes? It's sinful. It's one of these places where there's no employees and every now and then there's just a scrum of shoe boxes. I'm not finding the damn shoelaces, and finally I think, Maybe it's one of those items they've got at the counter. I go up there and I'm nosing around the counter and, by God, there's shoelaces. This is after about an hour. So now I'm waiting in line and the woman checking people out says in a big loud voice, "May I help our next shoe lover, please?" I just started to tremble. Nobody else seems to have a problem with going to a store! You don't want to have painted yourself into some elite position where it's "Bob, go out and get me some shoelaces." It makes you feel stupid. Here's where I'm comfortable: There's a bait-and-tackle store near my house. They've got guys in there, and you can buy live bait, you can buy artificial bait, they'll put new line on your reel. You can talk to them about rods. They'll tell you where to go for a largemouth bass. That's exactly where I want to be.

This is the kind of question you'll probably blanch at, but, you know, even a schmo like me -
That's right, you're a schmo.

Just a schmo.
Send the schmo to talk to Letterman!

You're being maybe excessively self-deprecating.
People are so much nicer to me now that I'm not on the air that my impression of myself is beginning to soften, but I'm sticking with jobs as my accomplishment.

Last year, you did the National Geographic documentary about India and climate change, but what else have you come close to doing since wrapping up The Late Show? There were rumors that you were going to do something at the Beacon Theatre.
We were going to re-create the annual Late Show Christmas special for like three days. Then people said, "The ticket prices are going to be so and so" and I said, "Oh Jesus, no. That's larceny. We can't do that." We couldn't ask people to pay that kind of money to come see something that they got for free on television for so many years.

What other offers have you gotten?
There's been offers to be on a lot of shows. I'm a big fan of Veep, and here's how nice they were: They asked if I would consider a cameo. Holy shit - I got so scared. I thought about it for 24 hours and then I told them, "Here's what would happen: I'm going to do your show. I'm going to worry about it, I'm going to get sick to my stomach, and I'm going to ruin it. I can't do that to you." I proved years ago that I can't act. I was on and the night the episode aired, I had to stand on the front porch while my girlfriend watched inside. I couldn't watch myself.

You were okay in Cabin Boy.
Well, thank you very much. I appreciate that.

I said you were "okay."
That's better than what I usually hear. I love Chris Elliott and I love Adam Resnick, the two guys who did that movie. They got a raw deal. I remember going to see that in a theater shortly after it was released. I had never seen myself in a movie. My scene comes up, and it's just dead silence. You could hear the sprockets in the projector clicking. Once the scene was over, I picked a side aisle and snuck out. It was humiliating.

Yep.
So he announces he's boycotting the inauguration. Trump hops on his Twitter device and describes John Lewis as just another all-talk, no-action congressman, so sad.

It turns out John Lewis has been involved in a fair bit of action.
Holy God. First of all, because I'm always thinking about myself, I think, I was about John Lewis's age when he marched across the Edmund Pettus Bridge. Would I have had the guts to do that? The all-talk John Lewis goes down there and gets a goddamned skull fracture. I mean, Trumpy will never have to worry about a skull fracture because of the hair. Thank you! How do you know if Donald Trump is lying? His lips are moving. Thank you! But in addition to every other thing that's wrong with the Trump, he's ignorant in a way that's insulting to the office, insulting to America, insulting to human rights, insulting to civil rights, insulting to John Lewis. Trump saying that broke my heart. I thought, Y ou stupid son of a bitch. You ought to have known better than that.

When you look around and see Jerry Seinfeld doing Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee or see Louis C.K. pop up with something on his website - does the existence of these streamlined ways of getting material out into the world change the calculus for the kind of project you'd want to do next? It's not TV-show-or-nothing anymore.
Oh, yeah. I am platform-agnostic. What Jerry Seinfeld has done is brilliant. Because he had his little TV show that did quite well and he loves being on the road. He pursued two interests of his, and now he's got other people watching it and paying him huge sums of money. Actually, Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee was my idea.

Seinfeld stole it from you?
Yeah. We're in deep, deep litigation. I'm going to get the rights to that back, and then I'll be doing it.

Is Worldwide Pants still a going concern? Is being on the production side interesting to you?
Worldwide Pants is now on pause. Years ago, I wanted Worldwide Pants to be an ongoing organism whereby we could continue to employ people and develop material. In the meantime, things changed out from under us. It was explained to me that that production model doesn't hold up anymore. So Worldwide Pants ran out of steam for lack of opportunity. But we are trying to put it back together. It would be fun not to be involved in traditional ABC, NBC, CBS television. There's a billion different places to put something now.

You know, I think we're just about out of time.
You're talking to a man who has nothing to do. When we're done, I'll be calling you.

Oh, no, it's Dave again.
Yeah, it's asshole again. He's back.
This interview has been edited and condensed from two conversations.
*A version of this article appears in the March 6, 2017, issue of New York Magazine.

In 2000, Pence's congressional campaign website stated that resources should be directed toward institutions that "provide assistance to those seeking to change their sexual behavior." In 2016, Pence's spokesman told the In 2009, CBS producer Joe Halderman tried to extort Letterman for $2 million for having sex with several staff members of The junior senator from Minnesota was a writer and castmember on One of The curmudgeonly file clerk who authored the comic-book series When Johnny Carson retired in 1992, he expected Letterman to host Paar's observational wit got him the job as Letterman would kick over to Kalter, the The actor Martin Short appeared on Letterman went to New Delhi in 2016 for Most famous bearded poet. American painter who began as a photorealist, then adopted a dappled, pixelated style after becoming paralyzed in 1988. No resemblance to Letterman. Actually, it was the other way around. In a 2007 playoff game, a swarm of midges from Lake Erie caused Yankees reliever Joba Chamberlain to blow the game with a few wild pitches. The chair-throwing, longtime Indiana Hoosiers men's basketball coach. Times that the statement was not referring to the "pray the gay away" psychotherapy known as "conversion therapy." In February, the Trump administration reversed the Obama administration's directive that directed schools to allow transgender students to use the bathrooms that correspond to their gender identity. The Late Show, including Halderman's girlfriend. Letterman apologized on-air to his staff and his family; Halderman served four months in Rikers. SNL for 15 years. On his last Late Show appearance, the SNL's longest-tenured writers, Downey is responsible for the "strategery" joke in Will Ferrell's Dubya impersonation. SNL veteran told the audience, "Mr. Letterman is not for the mawkish, and he has no truck for the sentimental. But if something is true, it is not sentimental. And I say in truth, I love you." In 2015, Ford broke his pelvis in an emergency plane landing at an L.A. golf course. In February, he accidentally landed on an airport taxiway in Orange County. After violating her probation for a DUI, Hilton was incarcerated for 23 days in June 2007. As a stunt for his fake documentary I'm Still Here, Phoenix mumbled through his 2009 American Splendor.The Tonight Show. Leno got the gig, Letterman moved to CBS, and the two fought it out in the ratings for a decade. (Leno generally had the better numbers.) The Tonight Show host from 1957 to 1962 and a return stint to host Late Show announcer, for short, left-field bits that would often end with the red-headed sideman beat up, in tears, or running offstage. After dating for 23 years, Letterman married Regina Lasko in March 2009. The blackmail scandal broke seven months later. Jack Paar Tonite in 1973. The Late Show more than 30 times. Years of Living Dangerously, to discuss India's evolving energy policy. Late Show appearance. Letterman: "What can you tell us about your days with the Unabomber?" Letterman's diminutive bandleader and comedic sidekick. Letterman played a skeevy motivational speaker in an episode of the '70s sitcom starring Robin Williams and Pam Dawber. Letterman basically plays himself in a 30-second cameo in this 1994 nautical adventure and box-office flop written and directed by Late Night alums Chris Elliott and Adam Resnick.

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David Letterman on Life After TV, Late Night Today, and the Man He Calls Trumpy

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Since retiring after 33 years on the late night television, David Letterman has kept a low public profile - aided by the growth of a truly impressive beard. But that doesn't mean he hasn't been as fixated on politics as the rest of us.

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8.3.17
Today is the day! Tappa Tappa Tappa releases its fifth issue - Never Surrender!

Never Surrender is our most ambitious issue to date. The 52 page, full colour, perfect bound book will be available to buy from our new website www.tappazine.com and, in keeping with this issue’s themes, all profits will be split equally between The American Civil Liberties Union in the USA and Sisters Uncut in the UK.

Tappa Tappa Tappa Issue 5 is a thing made of blood, sweat and tears. But mostly blood, because that’s what we all are underneath, a mess of flesh, sensation, emotion, impulse and intent – of fight and of flight. In uncertain times we become ever more aware of the tissues that connect us and of the way that our experience of the world begins in our bodies. What we touch, how we defend, where we hurt, what we desire and how fast we can run –toward joy or away from fear (or perversely vice versa).

As much as we might be intimately acquainted with darkness, we revel in the moments when it’s beaten back by unexpected, hilarious and miraculous forces. When you’ve learned how to fall without hurting, when words on a page speak directly to your insides, when you are crumbling and when you galvanise – staunch protest and unbridled joy crystallise in a single phrase –

NEVER SURRENDER.

(TAPPA TAPPA TAPPA is an ongoing collaboration between writer Amy Pettifer and artist Jessica Harby.)

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Luke Harby @ University of Northampton

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count my life

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actually working with paper what is happening

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Perrine Bailleux @ NN Contemporary and University of Northampton

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BE AS IT MAY

French artist Perrine Bailleux is coming to Northampton on 1-2 March 2017 to present a performance, workshop and talk as part of NN's Five Years season exploring aspects of time, travel and time travel.

The performance BE AS IT MAY on 1 March 2017, 7pm at NN Contemporary Art is a performance lecture in song by the Paris-based artist. It analyses an impressionist canvas titled Sisters, by Kazimir Malevich, dated 1910 by the artist but actually executed in the late twenties. Unsatisfied with art history's account of Malevich's overall gesture of predating many of his late works, Bailleux analyses Sisters and ventures into its conceptual depths.

The performance is accompanied by a breathing and voice workshop held at the University of Northampton. This workshop is addressed to any person wishing to explore and experiment with the phenomenon of voice emission. It is especially suitable to singers, actors, teachers or anybody who has a frequent and sustained use of one's voice.

The practice transmitted is entirely based on French singer Marie-Jeanne Rodière's method as developed in her book Construire sa voix (2009 - Ed. De Relie). It does not aim to define what a "beautiful" voice should be or what it is to "sing well", but rather to discover how one's voice works, and what it actually sounds like when one forgets about it. The practice aims at training our bodies and minds towards extreme relaxation, effortlessness, awareness and centering so that the voice becomes the direct emanation of one's natural breathing and resonates from within the body. One might experiment unprecedented physical and emotional states allowing for a comprehensive and completely new relationship to one's voice. Perrine will follow the workshop with an artist talk.

Admission to all activity is free.

Performance: BE AS IT MAY
1 March 2017, 19:00 (doors at 18:00)
NN Contemporary Art, Number Nine Guildhall Road, Northampton, NN1 1DP

Breathing and voice workshop: Your voice doesn't need you
2 March 2017, 10:00-12:00 BRING YOGA MAT OR BLANKET
The University of Northampton, Avenue Campus, St. Georges Avenue, Northampton, NN2 6JD

Artist Talk
2 March 2017, 13:30
The University of Northampton, Avenue Campus, St. Georges Avenue, Northampton, NN2 6JD

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Perrine Bailleux - NN Contemporary Art Northampton

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BE AS IT MAY French artist Perrine Bailleux is coming to Northampton on 1-2 March 2017 to present a performance, workshop and talk as part of NN's Five Years season exploring aspects of time, travel and time travel. The performance BE AS IT MAY on 1 March 2017, 7pm at NN Contemporary Art is a performance lecture in...