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It hurts

It hurts so bad

Knowing from the beginning

That you're not going to be good enough

But putting everything you have into it anyways

The fact that they tell you

They’ll never hurt you

And then do it anyways

Just for the heck of it

Makes it hurt a little more just because you believed

You believed them

When they said they wouldn’t

Silly you

You should've known

That they would hurt you

And that they wouldn't want you

Just like everyone else

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I want to major in marketing and advertising and minor in theology then go onto law school.

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The second defense mechanism that I tend to use a lot is displacement. I am on the Golf team and the Girls throwing team. Usually when I am having a bad day I go to the weight room and workout with the track girls and work out all my anger or frustration. Also, when it is golf season I go up to the tee box and when I hit my driver I imagine that the ball is what is angering me. It truly helps me, I have a lot of anger inside of me because I am a very sensitive person.

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I am a very open and extraverted person. I am very sociable with my peers and I express my emotions very openly. If I don't like what someone is doing then I will volunteer my opinion. I am a very conscientious person, when we took the survey that told us what our personality is most focused on I received a very high number towards the "goal-directed" portion. I am extremely goal directed and organized. I am an extremely agreeable person, I am very loving and affectionate, I love people. I have a lot of friends who are freshmen and they actually call me mom because I am the most caring of all our our friends. Sadly, I am also a very neurotic person. I can can be extremely moody and irritable randomly even when there is not reason to be.

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In the Humanistic Theory I (being completely truthful) am on the love and belonging tier of the Hierarchy of Needs. I have left myself open and loving too many times and its hard to accept that I am at that level where I don’t even love myself. Personally I have so many things that I would change about myself, if I could change my whole personality I would in an instant. I would get rid of my humor and my emotion core and I would find a new humor that is normal and a new emotion core that was harder to effect. I am a very sensitive person, I can be affected in a very large way by just one word. Also I have depression and anxiety and if I could get rid of that I would in an instant. I don't really believe that I'll ever get to the next level because my depression makes one of the requirements for Love and Belonging extremely hard to meet.

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My past experiences have affected my life greatly especially in the way I use defense mechanisms. I know for a fact that I personally have had trouble accepting that I push my past experiences back and try to ignore them. When I was in 8th grade I was dating a boy named Greg and he was very touchy and “rough”. If I wanted to get away he would hold me by my arms as hard as he could. He constantly made me feel bad about myself and my body. He was very possessive and I couldn’t even hang out with people he didn’t like, I lost one of my best friends for a whole year because of this. At the end of the year I finally told someone that I was afraid of him because of how rough he was with me when I didn’t do what he wanted, this caused it to get worse until finally we graduated.This (I think) is why I’m uncomfortable with boys and untrusting of boys. Even before Greg I was really bad at relationships I never trusted anyone to stay and after going to a councilor and inpatient I realized that it was due to the fact that my birth family left me. I was the only child that my mother gave up for adoption, I have two younger brothers. That is just one of the many examples that I could use to explain myself with the Psychodynamic theory.

In the Humanistic Theory I (being completely truthful) am on the love and belonging tier of the Hierarchy of Needs. I have left myself open and loving too many times and its hard to accept that I am at that level where I don’t even love myself. Personally I have so many things that I would change about myself, if i could change my whole personality.

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Poetry and Photography