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guyg

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Old: "As well" I said in a small bit of anger.

New: "It is nice to meat you to." I said looking at him thinking to myself, "Wow, the bay area has some weird people."

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Old

on the fliers it said Ariana Grande will be there sing and having a good time.

new

On the fliers it said Ariana grande will be performing in Rrocket Jump today and it woud only cost $4.99

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Old

My mom ran to the bathroom .

New

My mom gets out of bed and she runs to the bathroom like a "tiger" "Roar".

Old

I went in Simon room because i wanted to play a game and Simon was at school so i said to my self i now im not going to play but i want to play so i played .

New

I went in Simon room like a "BOSS" and went in inside and played games and then Simon comes home from school runs like a tiger and said what do you think you a doing and i said i'm just playing a game.

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old:

I was waiting anxiously in the car to get to the hospital to see my new baby sister. I just got out of school after a long day. A few minutes later we had finally got to the hospital

I was the happiest girl on earth! I skipped the whole way to the waiting room. When we got to the room where my mom and Cassandra (my baby sister) were I had to wait a little while before I got to hold her.

Her cheeks were so chubby and i couldn't take my eyes off of her. she was the cutest thing I had ever seen in my life. I loved her so much! And I finally got to hold her, but just for a little while .

She was so small! "Hi Cassandra" I said softly. I gave her a small kiss on the cheek she was so light and so small, I just wanted to squeeze her so tight and never let go.

New:

I was waiting anxiously in the car just imagineing how cute my new little sister would be. I was so exited and I couldn't wait any longer. "When are we gonna get there?" I asked Impatiently. I was literally jumping up and down in my seat. "Ugh, can we just be there already" I thought to myself.

My aunt finally drove into the hospital parking lot. "finally" I whispered under my breath. "How cute do you guys think she's gonna be?". "Um, I think she's going to be the cutest baby ever!" my aunt responded

We got off of the car and I skipped happily all the way to the room where my mom and Cassandra were. I searched the room for her, I saw her laying in one of those cribs they put baby's in at the hospital. I walked over quietly and admired her she had the prettiest brown eyes and the chubbiest cheeks ever. "Awwwww, she's so cute" I whispered quietly, trying not to wake her. I just stood and stared soaking in as much cuteness as i could.

Cassandra had woken up and it was finally my turn to hold her. I gave her a small gentle kiss on her cheek. She was so small and I just wanted to squeeze her so tightly and never ever let go.

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Before:We go on these spinny things for a little than we go and play soccer on the field.

After:"We are almost there I cant wait to play on the spinny things"I thought.

old:we were on the field we all started to feel somthing on us and so we went home and washed are self's.

new:"I felt something what the I thought,"what the I feel something on my legs" my uncle says...soon everybody is feeling thing on there legs we start running around thinking the bugs will stop...next we go home feeling weird.

old:

new:

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old

My mom is driving to fremont so we coud go to Rocket Jump.

new

My mom is driving to Fremont so we could go have fun and meet Arriana am so exsited and hopeful.

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Old One

We went to sleep and there was three fish in the fish bowl

New One

We went to sleep knowing that there was three fish in the fish bowl

Old One

We where changed to go to sleep and me and my sisters were watching t.v

New One

We were all changed to go to sleep and my sister yelled out WHO WANTS TO WATH T.V

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Old:as i sat down and ate my lunch New:So i sat down and as I took out the mouth watering pizza out of my lunch pale and I put the delicious pizza in my mouth and as I took out the cool water out of my new lunch pale and put the cool water down my mouth and all I was thing was get out of here. Old:I was was talking to Carl NEW:As me and Carl sat down on the bed while the desk was being made we had the most funny conversion so it when like this " So do you think that dogs are faster than a bed that can move "Me no im sure that a dog would win because a bed cannot move" then we were thinking was we were talking about the we stop talking after that and then the best think happened Old:i was playing then i saw the ps4 NEW:i was in the living room then i herd DING DING DING DING i ran as fast as i can i was still hearing DING DING DING then i stoped then

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Old:Me and Sofia wen't outside.

New:I asked "can go outside."Same with my sister.

Old: Once I opened the door I felt like I was being cooked alive

New:I opened the door I said "man it's so hot." then once I sat an the couch I thought to myself "I'm being cooked alive."

Old:I woke up and my mom was already home.

New:I woke up I felt dizzy but all I can think of is "I have to do my homework,I have to do my homework."

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Old:Then I yelled ''GO!"

New:Then I Screamed "COME ON YOU CAN DO IT!!"

Old:"Wheres the basketball hoop?"

New:I was walking slowly

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Old: It didn't feel right i saw his face turning into red.Then suddenly he came backup and he kicked the bullies as hard as he can multiple times.I was so surprised i couldn't even talk.

New: This time it didn't feel right i saw his face with a raging look "Poor Kevin"As i said in my mind.Just then Kevin got back up his face was blushing. suddenly he kicked the two horrendous bullies while screaming"GHHHHHHH"as loud as he can everybody stared at him with a surprise look not even one person blinked.

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OLD:I got dressed and went to school.

New:Dragging my feet I got dressed and went to school."Poor Jane." I thought as I slowly walked to my bus stop.I already missed her though I knew she was in a better place.

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Old :"I was cooking bacon and then BOOM it sprayed me"

New : My mom loudly said " I was just cooking bacon and then boom it exploded !"As she talked I thought," wow I have never got burned it must have hurt because my mom's voice sounded pretty mad".

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Old:I was in my house, but then my sister came home from school exited."My boyfriend is coming over"my sister said.

New:I was in my house, but suddenly the door opened fast and my sister was there exited like she came from Great America."My loving and beautiful boyfriend Kevin is going to our house visiting me"my sister yelled as she was shaking excitedly

Old:I came home with my new PS3. I came from San Diego cause my family went to sea world.After that, we went to a store to buy my PS3. I came home with my and opened it.My sister said"Let me play first"

New:I came home exited because got a awesome new PS3.We went to San Diego to Sea World and then after that we went to a mall with a store that device to buy my PS3. When I came home I opened it crazy like I was opening a Christmas present."Let me play first on the PS3 my sister yelled excitedly as she was shaking.

Old:When I was done doing homework and I rushed to the door, my stomach started to hurt and I was about to threw up so then I realized that I was sick."My stomach hurts" yelled.I went to my grandma and said"My stomach hurts."Go get the green liquid in the bathroom" she said.

New:After finishing my homework I did on my mom's bed,I rushed to the front door like I was about to leave to Water World,but suddenly then my stomach was acting up and started to hurt.The pain of my stomach hurt a lot and it was worse feeling the pain and the hurtfulness in your stomach.Then suddenly I made a sound like I was about to throw up, but then in my mind,I realized that I was sick right when I was about to go swimming.Suddenly then I walked to my grandma who was laying on the couch watching TV."My stomach hurts really bad and I'm about to throw up so can I get anything that heals my stomach"."Go get that green liquid it heals it.It's in the bathroom above where the toothbrushes are.Just rub a little on your stomach"my grandma said as she looked tired looking at the TV.

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The Glider

OLD: "It was 45 feet down the hill."

NEW: "I saw how low it was, have the people that made this ride ever THINK ABOUT THAT, people these day's!!!"

OLD: "It was our turn to go on the ride. FINALLY!!"

NEW: "It was finally our turn to go on the glider ride, I was NERVOUS AND HAPPY, it was really weird!?!?"

OLD: The view was awesome!!!!

NEW: The view was so AMAZING in the evening that you'll think you are in HAWAII when the sunset come's!!!

OLD: The guy that was controlling us asked me and my parent's if we wanted to stay the same or it could go faster.

NEW: The man that was doing a great job on the speed which is controlling the ride asked us suddenly "Will you like the ride to SLOW down, STAY how it is or go FASTER? We would like it how it is, I replied."

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old: the ride was good i want a two more times

new: the ride was good a want a two more times running to the line i was watching the people have fun and it was so long i was siting in a rock

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Old: "Nicho." My mom shouted from downstairs.

New: "NICHO SUNARDI!" My mom THUNDERED and BOOMED all the way from downstairs.

Old: I was so relived that we didn't have piano for another hour.

New: "Thank you!" I thought reliving myself. "I am so glad, my songs aren't ready." I thought. My mind was focused. "Better songs!, Better songs!!" I thought.

Old: My eyes constantly opening and closing. My head bobbing back and forth because of the rocky freeway.

New: "Yawn." I yawned as my eyes opened and closed. You could tell that I was tired. My eyes barely opening. I was trying to stay awake. My head was throbbing back and forth as it swung down because of a rock in the street.

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Old:Me my mother and my sister waited for my dad to get home.

New:While we waited for him to get home all I could think about was playing in the snow.

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Old: "I'm so excited" i told my sister

New: "WERE FINALLY HERE I'M SO EXCITED" I screamed at my sister

Old: "The van is nice"

New: "The van was so amazingly pretty it was silver and it was so shiny it felt like i was staring at the sun

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Old:First my piece said i woke up and got dressed

New:My new one is "when i woke up all i could think about was foot ball game that was all i could think about all day in till i got there when i got there i thought i was going to explode with excitement".

Old:The first day of school i was scared

New:Today is the first day of school i thought i was so scared my heart sunk and my stomach lurched but i thought i have got to do this.

Old:When i went on this plane i was scared

New:When i got on this plane i stated to freak out what happens if we crash because somebody was on there phone or strong winds or a lightning storm but i said do not think about the worst just go to your happy place i thought and i will get through this thing.

Old:When i first met my cousin i was happy

New:When i first met my cousin i was so exited i thought he was younger than me

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old one Friday my mom..

new on one awesome Friday

old when we arrived it looked so fun

New when we arrived all i could think about was al the fun we are going to have.

Once we got there and i saw the building, i thought..."THis place is going to rock!"

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Old sentence: We were really high,but not that high,so my dad and me kept going. New:I was say inside my mind "we have to going,we have to get really,really,really high!"

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Old: Also one day I through a dead sting ray into the ocean

New: While walking on the sand, I found a surprising discovry. ''What the heck'' I thought. Without my parents watching, I picked it up and returned the DEAD STING RAY into the ocean with one mighty toss.

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Old one:Then i said "it's good."

New one:Then i yelled "this is so delicious."

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Old: The Bell rang.

New: I heard the bell as if I had been next to it.

Old 2: I had nothing to do than wait 6 hours.

New 2: I wondered " 6 HOURS TILL WE GET THERE! I had a feeling of frustration and sadness mixed together also I could not think that anything else but Disneyland would come into my mind.

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old: The first ride i went on was this hot wheels ride ,at first it went slow then fast

New: I saw the ride i heard someone or something calling my name" Jessica Jessica" at that moment i realized the ride was calling my name i could just hear it like it was like it was whispering in my ear like the ride was a person. I hopped on the ride it went it a circle slow than whipped you around swiftly. the ride

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Old: Bryce likes to play with fireworks. I think they are dangerous. We played anyway.

New:

"They are the best", Bryce announced. "Come on we can't really get hurt" he explained, as I read the warning label on the box. I hands began to shake as a gripped the lighter. Soon I lofted the twinkie up in the air, but...no explosion...

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old: Alyssa and i was so scared of the movie so we just so we both thought we should just keep watching it even in the scary parts when we jumped up

new:Alyssa and i was so scared that we screamed .but then there was a nock on the door and me and alyssa thought who would be nocking at the door at 8:30 in the night because we know that she was spending the night over and it was raining so hard but then we heard the nock again so me and alyssa went to the door but we were to scared to anwser the door so we opened it slowely but there was no one there and me and i thought it was creepy so did alyssa and then we ran straight to the leaving room but then

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My Baby Cousin:

Old: My mom went to go take a shower. I was in the living room watching my show. I had to keep a ear out for my little baby niece. Somebody knocked on the door until i remembered that my friend was coming over for a sleep over. Until the home phone rang. I picked up and i hear a lady crying on the phone , it sounded like my cousin. And it was! I told her to calm down. And in the phone i could hear a lot of noises. I heard the police and sirens it was really loud. I was panicking, I got my mom she was talking to her. My friend and i went to my room. And all in my head just keep thinking of my cousin crying. I went back to go get a snack the only thing i could hear is my mom crying . She dropped the phone on the ground. I hear someone say "My Baby!!..." I picked up the phone and said what baby?!" until my mom told me about my baby cousin being dead!. The whole day i was sad.

New: I was in the living room watching really funny cartoons. My mom was taking a shower until somebody knocked on the door. I was wondering "Who would come this late at 9:00 pm in the night?" As i open the door i saw my friend with a smile saying "Hello!" I just remembered we had a sleepover day.

I let here in the house until the home phone rang. As my friend went to go put her stuff away i ran to the phone. I answered the phone very slowly. At the mean time i was shaking and wondering who would answer at this time? Unless it was like a horror movie. As i picked it up i heard some lady crying. As my friend put her arm on my shoulder she asked " who was it?" The lady talked "My baby!" as she yelled. I stared dead into the phone. My friend asked again "Who is it Sarah?" My mother came rushing in as saying hello to my friend. As she looked at me she notice the scared look in my face. She snatched the phone right out of my hand and said "Who is this!?And why are you calling this phone at this time!!" As you hear my mother talking on the phone you could hear little cries in the back round. Then as their was silents in the room...A women shouts " Its me auntie! my baby he not breathing!!" As i was still as stone my friend decided to go to my room and just talk or play a game. The next morning i thought it would be okay some crazy lady just called this house its fine. so i made a very good morning face. Then you see my mom putting her face on the table. As i was gonna kiss my mother good morning she faced up. She told me in a whisper voice "Go get dressed and packed up please we need to go somewhere." So my friend and i went to go get packed up i ran back to my mom not trying to be worried but in the inside i was sad. My stomach didn't feel well i was just thinking of that lady that called last night. I was trying to figure out why did she said "My baby?!" As i tried to put the puzzles together my mom made breakfast. As we finished we went to a 2 hour long drive. I asked my mom" whats going on?" She told me it was about my baby cousin she told me "Baby the angels took him , he is in a better place now." As i griped my hand i just thought "I think she tried to say it in a nice way but i know he is dead.So the crazy lady on the phone was my cousin." As i was thinking we gotten to my cousin's house. They were a lot of family members their. I started to cry but i didn't because i wanted to set a good example to be happy because he was a very good baby. And will always be. :)

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New one

When I Went to Grant

I was in second grade in grant

I was afraid and to talk to other people and ask the about thing s I need to do when I forget what I need to do cause I was new to the school and when I make a friend i'll be less terrified and shy to other people and our first thing we did was Math talk and I was exited and little less terrified and all I concentrated in math and after all the rest of the things we did when the bell rang I did not know what to do and Mrs.Wolf said get in line and so i did and when we went out to recces and I had noting to do so all i did was I sat on the blue metal bench and I had noting to do so I though in my own head "I have noting to do" and when I saw the other kids and the were having so much fun and I was she to talk or play with anyone so all I did was sit on were I was and I keep thinking "i'm so bored " each time I go to school that's what I do every time until one day Matt and Andy came and ask "do you want to be friends"and after they ask me a crowd of girls came and said "no don't do it " and so I ran away because I was too shy to talk to them and so I was running to the play ground and Andy and Matthew was loo king for me and they found me and I said sure and when that day ended I started a all new day I started to talk more instead of not talking to the class and instead of not playing out at recces I played with Andy,Matthew and that's how I met Elmer And I started to have more friend and when I went home I saw Andy so I went out