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We've all experienced it at some point- the pain of a lost love lingering like a subtle poison.

Letting go of someone you truly love is one of the most difficult things in the world. Unfortunately, sometimes...it's necessary.

Since the pain you experience from letting go of someone you love can stop you right in your tracks, you need to take action now if you hope to move forward with your life and find happiness elsewhere.

Sometimes, you know what happened. Other times, you feel as though things slowly slipped away from you and you can't quite pinpoint any one cause. But in any case, you've decided it's time to let them go and move on.

Let's talk about how to do that.

Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.

- Hermann Hesse

1. Cut contact

Before you do anything, and I mean anything else, you need to cut contact with the person. This is less a step and more of a critically important prerequisite.

You'll never be able to heal if you keep the person who hurt you so close at hand. Remove phone numbers, discard contact information, pictures, and anything else directly connected with them.

You're not erasing your memory, just removing your ability to potentially contact that person the next time you're in a moment of weakness and might think of reaching out.

2. Be with what you're feeling

Possibly the worst thing you can do is to ignore what you're feeling and start looking for means to either bottle those feelings down or hide from them. The longer you do this, the worse you'll get, so you need to take an entirely different approach if you hope to heal this wound.

Face the pain head on and don't run from it. Allow yourself to simply be with whatever you're feeling, even if it's uncomfortable. Over time, the mind has a way of settling itself if you allow it to focus in on the pain.

3. Stop fantasizing

Next, stop fantasizing. As you begin to experience the gradual process of internal healing and reflect on past memories, you'll be motivated to fantasize that maybe, just maybe, they'll change. Maybe things could work out this time, if such and such was different. Things won't workout - and they won't change.

This process is your brain trying to keep you away from the pain again. Be present for these feelings so that you maintain clarity. But it's important to then give yourself a reality check and remember that this is a natural part of the process of healing.

It's the same thing as binge-drinking after a breakup or some other loss. You're not really healing, just attempting to put a band-aid over the issue. Eventually, that band-aid will come off. And, when it does, it's going to hurt like hell. The only way to heal is to be with what is (reality) and move on, so stop fantasizing.

Now is when you really begin to dig deep and get to the heart of the issue. Whatever happened has left an internal wound that needs to be sewn up. And, to do that, you need to practice forgiveness.

It's not always the other person's fault. Sometimes it's our own. Whatever the case, you need to either practice visualizing the other person and repeating a simple mantra such as "I forgive you. My pain is my own" or imagine yourself apologizing and searching for those feelings of sincerity within you. When you can recognize this, the process has started working.

Depending on what happened, it will take time to heal. However, in every case, if you invest the time to be with yourself, listening to what goes within you and being kind and compassionate with yourself, you'll heal the wound.

5. Understand the grieving process

Much like the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship is a loss and with loss comes grief. Denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are all normal stages of the process and it's important to remember that everyone grieves differently.

6. Reach out for support

While it's normal to have a tendency to isolate yourself following a breakup, it's important you not experience it alone. You may not want to start having to explain your breakup to everyone quite yet but make sure to reach out to at least one person that you know you can count on for support.

7. Take all the time you need

Just like grieving, healing is a process. Give it time to run its course. Take it one day at a time and learn to manage expectations to avoid setting yourself up for disappointment. Allow yourself to fully experience the loss because the truth is there are no quick fixes.

8. Ask yourself what you're really looking for in a relationship

Take a pause to imagine what your ideal relationship might look like. Evaluate what went wrong in your previous relationship, what worked and it will give you a better picture what you have to look forward to in the future.

9. Practice gratitude

Start your day with it. Remind yourself, every day, of all the other, often overlooked, wonderful things you have going on in your life. Be grateful for what the relationship has taught you, the good times you shared and that you're one step closer to finding the right partner for you.

10. Love yourself and increase self-care

It's tempting to blame ourselves for the way things turned out but self-blame only postpones the recovery process. Instead of beating yourself up, practice self-love. One way you can be more loving towards yourself is by acknowledging your role in what went wrong in the relationship while reminding yourself that there were 2 of you involved, and you both contributed to what happened, in your own way.

11. Go out there and live

Now that you've created a nourishing foundation you can use to heal internally, once you feel ready it's important to get out and into the world and start living.

Get to work, pursue a passion , meet new people , or go on an adventure. Whatever it is, start creating new experiences, memories, and connections to replace the old memories. The more you do this, the easier it will be to move on.

Matt Valentine is a father, husband, and a self-published author. He writes weekly on his blog, Buddhaimonia.com, about everything from spirituality to self-mastery.

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How to Let Go of Someone You Love - It's Painful, But You Can Do It

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We've all experienced it at some point- the pain of a lost love lingering like a subtle poison. Letting go of someone you truly love is one of the most difficult things in the world. Unfortunately, sometimes...it's necessary.

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Have you ever watched trapeze artists? They hold onto one bar, create momentum, and then just like that, they let go. In that moment the choice is made to either grab onto the next bar with both hands, or keep one hand holding on. If they choose to hold on, I assume one of two things would happen: either they would get stuck with one hand on each bar, stretched out, or just fall completely.

There comes a point in all of our lives where we need to let go. We need to let go of the past: the hurt, unmet expectations, loss, hopes, and dreams. It is a healthy way to move on. We cannot possibly continue to move forward in our own lives if we are constantly holding on to that bar from our past. Letting go is not giving up. Letting go is not quitting. Letting go does not mean you do not know what to do or how to do it. Letting go does not imply that you are unstable or inconsistent. Letting go simply means that you are aware that in order to experience anything new, better, or different you have to first let go.

The truth is that for every beginning there is an ending. Sometimes it hurts. Often things end before we are actually ready to let them go, but holding on to an idea is actually mentally and emotionally more difficult than the reality of just letting it go.

When people hold on, they let fear win: fear of hurt, fear of loss, fear of rejection, and fear of pain. They allow the struggle to prevent them from pursuing any opportunity for change. When you choose to let go, you choose to take control of your own thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and outcomes. Sometimes we need to make the choice to let go of toxic people in our lives in order to remove ourselves from the negativity of others. It will not be easy and it will take time to build the momentum needed to do this. But, it is possible. You may need to let go of a loved one, a spouse, a sibling, a parent, or a child in order to care for your own well being.

Letting go of a person you love does not mean you're giving up on them. Learning to let go is the first step toward self-care. It is acknowledging the hurt that person has caused you and making an active choice to not let him/her hurt you anymore. It is setting boundaries and expectations for the relationship and recognizing that you are the only person who can give approval of the way you live your life.

I would never suggest, tell, or ask any parent to give up on a child. I would, however, encourage the parent to let go of the negative destructive behaviors of the child, let go of the unmet expectations, hopes, and dreams developed for the child and separate yourself both physically and emotionally. Let go of what you cannot change and embrace what you can. Letting go of a person you love is not easy. The hurt it causes is unmeasurable, but it is important to recognize that you cannot change anyone but yourself. Letting go of a child, or a loved family member does not imply that you would ever stop loving them. Letting go is done out of love. It is communicating that you love the person so much that you fear for them, or for you. Letting go is separating the behaviors of the person from the actual loved individual. It's that common saying "I will always love you, but I do not like your behavior/choices right now."

Maybe you have to let go of unresolved grief, a past experience, an unpleasant job, or a relationship. Let go of the control, let go of the guilt, and let go of the unpleasant emotions. You are not quitting. You are not giving up. You are choosing to no longer enable the pain, hurt, and unwanted behaviors. You're choosing to no longer live in those moments. When you choose to let go of what was, you choose to grab on to what can be.
Rachel Velishek is a licensed professional clinical counselor with Fisher-Titus Behavioral Health, Fisher-Titus Medical Park 2, Suite C, 282 Benedict Ave., Norwalk. Her office can be reached at 419-668-0311. For more information on Fisher-Titus Behavioral Health, visit fishertitus.org/behavioral-health.

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Have you ever watched trapeze artists? They hold onto one bar, create momentum, and then just like that, they let go. In that moment the choice is made to either grab onto the next bar with both hands, or keep one hand holding on.

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"Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it." -- Ann Landers

Letting go isn't easy, especially in relationships. And letting go of your marriage, spouse or partner can be one of the hardest things to do in life. Yet, it can be the most rewarding, positive, life-changing experience you will ever have. Letting go allows you to express your real self -- the one that doesn't require any attachments to feel safe or happy. Truth be told, your real self already has everything you need to feel secure and happy. Be willing to get to know the real you. That begins with letting go of those people (places or things) that you mistakenly believed brought you security and/or happiness. That belief (which you have the power to change) keeps you imprisoned and locked in a cycle of low self-worth, dependency, and misguided duty or obligation. Very unhealthy, to say the least.

There are other reasons why it's good to let go. For one thing, it allows you to make room for new, positive experiences. When you let go of a person with whom you've had a relationship, you are in a position to create something totally new. It's your chance to take all those things you loved about your past relationship as well as all those things you wished you had but didn't, and combine them as your vision for your ultimate relationship. Of course, if you're not ready for that, you can still use that opening to do something in your life you never had the chance to do before. Try something new!

But aside from the reasons why you should let go, there's still the dilemma of how you're going to feel good about it. It just doesn't seem that easy when you're letting go of someone you've loved or still love. But consider this: You, as a divine and creative being, have the power to choose to feel good about it. In my experience, this is something most people miss. We are conditioned to believe that letting go of a relationship, marriage, spouse or partner is going to make us feel bad. We don't even consider the idea that we can actually choose to feel good about it. While it's natural to feel sad over your loss, you don't need to be stuck in that sadness for as long as you think. Know that the most crucial first step to feeling good about letting go is to simply decide to. Your decision about how your future experience will be determines your outcome. You have that power of choice, so use it!

This isn't to deny or suppress your emotions. On the contrary, choosing to feel good about letting go actually helps to view and express them in a much healthier manner. You won't dwell upon your grief and sadness, thereby perpetuating it even further. Instead, your emotions become more balanced as you detach from the drama of it all.

Once you make the decision to feel good about letting go, you can follow these suggestions to help that good feeling continue:

* Stop forfeiting your time doing things you don't love. Although it's necessary to allot time to your responsibilities and obligations, don't waste your time on thoughts or activities that consistently bring you down. Stop reading negative, angry or depressing posts, watching sad movies about lost love or listening to songs about heartache. They don't serve you in the least. Use your time doing things that support what you love and enjoy -- especially if it's creative and fun. And do them without guilt.

* Go out in nature. Nature has a very healing and uplifting effect. Spend at least 30 minutes a day outside. Connect with the earth, trees, plants and animals. If you can be near water, that's even better! I believe that water is cleansing to the emotions and mental clutter. In time, your outing will help you to feel the energy of a positive, new beginning.

* Happily daydream and wonder. Use the creative imagination of your inner child to wonder what it would be like if you had ______ or experienced ______ (but don't include your ex in it, as that would defeat the purpose). Do this daily. Your joyful inner child is begging to be expressed, so let your imagination lead the way. When you think and dream of joyful and magical things, you become happier! And so what if you feel silly -- being silly always brings a smile, right?

Once you let go, you allow the universe to step in to bring benefit to everyone involved -- especially you. Benefit = goodness, health, happiness, prosperity, blessings, assistance.... the list goes on. Holding on creates unhealthy attachments that hurt everyone involved -- especially you. By holding on and believing that letting go feels "bad," you're not going to see or feel the benefits. Your thoughts and beliefs about letting go are your biggest detractors so change them and decide to feel good about it. You just might find your newfound freedom feels good after all.

Pamela Dussault, creator of www.PassageToInnerJoy.com, is a spiritual teacher, mentor, intuitive counselor and medium, soul mate relationship specialist, founder of the R.E.A.P. healing method, and author.

For more by Pamela Dussault, click here.

For more on emotional wellness, click here.

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"Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it." -- Ann Landers Letting go isn't easy, especially in relationships.

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When life appears stressed and out of order, how can we use simple suggestions and journaling to feel positive?

Thinking With Positivity

Positive psychology and the "power of positive thinking" tells us our inner thoughts are always reflected in our outer circumstances. How one thinks about something can set into motion changes in our life.

I remember my mom always telling me when I was growing up, "Look on the bright side." But I'll admit it is hard when faced with transitions and not knowing from day-to-day what tomorrow will bring.

Positive Mind, Positive Life

Author Joyce Meyer is quoted as saying, "You cannot have a positive life and a negative mind." These words leave me thinking that the importance of always looking on the bright side of things is something to always put at the forefront of your existence.

I believe that a lot of our angst in life is about the inability to look on the bright side, which then leads to control. In Western culture, we are taught early on to be in control of the direction of our lives.

We hear many messages, such as "plan for your future," "study," "get good grades," "try harder," etc. Don't get me wrong, goals and plans for your future are NOT bad, they serve a purpose of direction and motivation. But I think what happens in the process is that we forget to look at what is right in front of us, which can leave us with negative feelings of "not measuring up" to the goals that were planned.

We want to have a positive life, but the process sometimes leaves us feeling empty and unproductive.

Let Go Of Control

For me, the most profound lesson in living a more positive life happened when I let go of control. I was working through the grief of losing my father. In addition, I began to finally grieve the loss of my mother from twenty years prior.

Life seemed as if it was closing in around me and the more I tried to control the outcome, the more I became negative. Nothing seemed to work anymore. I later learned that my negative thinking was releasing brain chemicals that was reinforcing the negative thoughts. I knew a change was needed.

Through a little divine intervention (maybe more on that another time) and somehow getting reconnected to the wonders of nature, I began living a more purpose-driven life with a spiritual direction that was amazingly profound.

In reality, I had a choice. I could continue to wallow in my negative thoughts, but after letting go of the control of the loss, I noticed I began to positively express myself again.

Positive Expression

The one thing that I did during this time was journal my thoughts. Focusing our minds on the positive things in our life that evoke feelings of gratitude and then writing them down is worth the effort.

We go through our day, at times, taking for granted that the traffic lights work, our tap water turns on, etc. But by taking the time to privately express thankfulness for all the good that happens around us and the good that nature provides to us, we will be more inclined to positively express, only to create a chain reaction of the effect within ourselves and onto others.

Nature Connection

Expressing gratitude for what nature offers us through our five senses is not only a way to engage our senses, but it creates mindful and positive expression. Being around nature has psychological benefits as well. Handling living plants, watching them grow, smelling the aroma, listening to the sounds of nature and tasting what nature provides for us is a way to let go of the control that may otherwise keep us from positively thinking. Nature is one constant in life that we have no control over.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is another way of living with more positivity. However, I'll have to admit that becoming mindfully aware can be a little scary.

I heard a quote once that said, "If we always focus on the behavior of others, we may miss the origins of that behavior-ourselves!" At times, being judgmental of others creeps into our existence, thinking others are ungrateful. It's typically easy to improve efforts when focusing on the offender, by trying to change others' attitudes or behaviors. However, unless we take a step back and look more objectively at our own perspective, we may miss that it is US!

Living in the moment (not looking back and not looking too far forward), although hard, is something that nature provides for us. Nature lives in the moment and engaging with it, whether actively or passively, has a way of guiding us to a centered focus of mindfulness.

The Hope Grows Simple 'Self-Care' Suggestions theme for February was Positivity and were put in place to help you have a happy brain, which leads to a happy life. Susan Reynolds, author of "Fire Up Your Writing Brain," says that happy brains are more creative, quicker and more mentally alert. So, grab a little bit of what your surrounding environment has to offer to enlighten your heart. By positively expressing gratitude, becoming mindful of how you interact with nature and life, and journaling about it, you just might find that the psychological benefits will become self-perpetuating.

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The Power of Positivity And Letting Go Of Control | How To Be Happy

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When life appears stressed and out of order, how can we use simple suggestions and journaling to feel positive? Positive psychology and the "power of positive thinking" tells us our inner thoughts are always reflected in our outer circumstances. How one thinks about something can set into motion changes in our life.