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Offload as much of the household 'stuff' as you can so that you can focus on taking care of each other and the baby.

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Offload as much of the household 'stuff' as you can so that you can focus on taking care of each other and the baby.

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Tune in to our parenting podcast to learn about effective parenting and hear questions from real parents answered by Dr. Becky, creator of Good Inside.

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Take as much parental leave as you can and consider what you want the return to work to look like for each of you (e.g., same roles and percent effort as previously or modified).

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Take as much parental leave as you can and consider what you want the return to work to look like for each of you (e.g., same roles and percent effort as previously or modified).

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https://simplefamilies.com/

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Simple Families - Therapy for Moms in Greenwich & Westchester + Podcast for Families

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Feeling overwhelmed in motherhood? Denaye brings simple solutions to families in the form of a podcast, book, and therapy for mothers in Greenwich, CT and Westchester County, NY.

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I'm excited to be launching a weekly podcast series!

Janet Lansbury Unruffled will be available on iTunes, Soundcloud, and Stitcher. I hope you'll tune in and maybe even subscribe (it's free).

I hadn't seriously considered doing weekly podcasts before, because I couldn't wrap my head around adding another commitment to my plate. But recent developments have convinced me to give it a go...

1. It's become increasingly clear to me that the written word alone is less than ideal for conveying the subtleties and nuances integral to respectful parenting. Many misinterpretations and misconceptions have come to my attention in the almost 6 years I've been writing about RIE parenting. These misconceptions will be easy to clarify through my podcasts.

2. Parents in my classes have been expressing to me lately how much they appreciate (and even need) my weekly in-person demonstrations of the tone and feel of respectful limit setting. Engaging with young children with respect is still, unfortunately, countercultural and can feel counterintuitive, so we need all the reminders and modeling we can get.

3. My books No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame and Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting have been extremely popular on Audible.

4. The response to the few podcasts I've shared in my posts has been enthusiastic. Listeners have shared that my audio descriptions and demonstrations are what finally got them over the hump to truly understanding and being able to implement respectful parenting practices.

5. Last, but not least, I realized that I can do these podcasts without prep work (which was the daunting part for me) by simply providing my off- the- cuff responses to the questions readers send me via email, Facebook, etc. So these will be similar to my phone consultations, but without the back-and-forth with the parents. Basically, I'll be having lively conversations with myself.

In the future, I plan to ask other parenting advisers and early childhood educators, particularly RIE Associate Lisa Sunbury (from regardingbaby.org), to co-host so I have a real live person to discuss issues with, and I'm also hoping to share actual recordings of some of my parent consultations (if I can get volunteers).

But to start out with, it will just be me and written questions like this one that I answer in the premiere episode of Janet Lansbury Unruffled:
Hi! I read your book and love it! I love the communication tips and acknowledgment. It's along the lines of how we parent our almost 3.5 and almost 5 year old girls. But what drives me insane is the verbal incessant demands / screams. While the girls follow directions and don't bite, hit or kick they do yell at me a LOT. I try to acknowledge their feelings while holding the boundaries firm and they are strong, insistent little people. They ask for something. I say no. They say, "But I want it." I explain why the answer is no and offer other options if possible and they just start yelling about how they want it. I acknowledge they're upset and frustrated. And then the screaming continues. The worst is in the car. I can't say "I won't let you yell at me" because I can't stop them. It makes me want to just cry. While I remain calm, inside I feel trapped and tortured. I don't want to pull over because I want to get to my destination. I have just been feeling beat up by the yelling and that they won't stop arguing the boundaries. I feel like I'm doing something wrong because I am feeling annoyed. I don't know how to fix it. Thanks in advance if you can help!
Here's my response:

Thanks for listening! If you found this podcast helpful and would like a notification for next week's episode, please subscribe to Respectful Parenting: Janet Lansbury Unruffled on Soundcloud, iTunes or Stitcher.

Here's a transcript of this first episode of Unruffled: " Kids Saying No to Boundaries (Screaming)." It is courtesy of Torin Thompson (August 24, 2015)

Hi, this is Janet Lansbury, and in this segment of Janet Lansbury Unruffled, I'm going to answer a question about screaming.

Okay, here's a question from Teresa from Facebook:

"Hi. I read your book. I love it. I love the communication tips and acknowledgement. It's along the lines of how we parent our almost 3.5- and almost 5-year-old girls, but what drives me insane is the verbal, incessant demands/screams. While the girls follow directions and don't bite, hit or kick (well, that's nice) they do yell at me a LOT - lot in capital letters. I try to acknowledge their feelings while holding the boundaries firm and they are strong, insistent little people. They ask for something. I say no. They say, 'But I want it!' I explain why the answer is no and offer other options if possible and they just start yelling about how they want it. I acknowledge they're upset and frustrated and then the screaming continues."

Okay, I'm going to stop right here. So, "They ask for something, I say no." Right, no, this is what we're doing or this is what we're not doing. "They say, 'But I want it.'" Okay. It's helpful if this doesn't jar us or grate on us, that we can just accept, "Oh, interesting. Yes. I know. It sounded like you wanted it." Or something like that, on that level. Very unruffled. Very "you've got a right to complain and yell and scream and have your disagreement with my limit."

This is the most important interaction for us to get comfortable with as parents. We disagree sometimes. You disagree with me. You don't like what I choose as your wonderful parent that's always looking out for you and looking out for our relationship and all these important things. A lot of the details of that are things that you, my child, are going to disagree with. That's called being in a relationship, that's called very, very healthy. So getting comfortable with this as parents is important, because what it sounds like is Teresa isn't comfortable.

As soon as they say "But I want it," now she feels like she's got to come up with another answer or fix it or, you know, convince them further or do something else to make them not say something like that and definitely not scream, but actually both those things, "But I want it," you know, whining, asking for it a million times, and screaming, stomping their feet, all of those things (again, it's great that they don't bite or hit, that would be something to calmly stop). But all of those reactions are within the realm of disagreement, the way children disagree. They don't disagree very politely and diplomatically. "Actually, I disagree. I don't like that choice that you made, Mother." No, they do it like this.

Through these disagreements, they actually release other emotions, other stresses that they have, so it's always positive. The bigger the overreaction, the more you can be sure they're getting out of their system, and that's a plus, because that means, like all of us, when we clear feelings, we feel better. Now we're at our best again. Now we're feeling happy, now we're feeling comfortable, and if we can clear our feelings as a child, not only clear them, but have them be calmly accepted by our parents, that is one of the biggest gifts we can give children, because what we're saying to them is, All these sides of you are okay with me. I accept all of you. I'm okay with you disagreeing. I'm okay with this side of you that's not liking things that I do. It's magic as parents if we can give that message.

Most of us as children did not get that message, that it was okay to be angry, that it was okay to disagree with our parents and have strong feelings about that. So again, this is gold, this is magic, this is the good stuff. Take advantage of these moments.

So they say, "But I want it," and you might just look and nod and just nod your head. "Yeah, you want it," without even saying that, saying that with a nod or a look. Very comfortable, very certain in your decision.

Then you explain, this is what Teresa said, she explains why the answer is no. I wouldn't do that. Unless you want to give the briefest explanation, which I would probably give the first time when I say no. I would say, "No, that's not safe," or, "No, I don't feel like doing that right now." So you don't have to explain further just because they've expressed their feeling about it, and the feeling started with, "But I want it." Don't get into trying to explain yourself. That's trying to talk them out of disagreeing.

"...offer other options if possible." So, no, you're getting caught up in trying to fix it, trying to take away the disagreement. Well look, you can do this, you can do that, look at all these wonderful things you can do! Don't be disappointed! Don't be disagreeing with my decision. See, it works out fine.

Again, all the child feels is that you're invalidating my right, you're invalidating me and taking away my right to disagree and sometimes they're disagreeing, again, because they need to blast you about the stresses they had at school that day or that you were gone at work or a number of other things, that they had trouble with a friend, or with their sibling, or something else. It's important to trust. There's always a reason and it's always positive for them to disagree and have feelings about that.

Then Teresa says she offers other options and they just start yelling about how they want it. Right. Mom, you're not letting me say no, You're not letting me disagree. You're not letting me have my feelings about this. It does tend to amplify the feelings when you're not listening, you're not, I'm not being heard here. Just let me be heard.

So roll out the red carpet for the screaming. I know this is counter intuitive, counter cultural, counter everything but it's very important and the key to having the comfortable relationship with your children that you want, that I know that you want. Roll out the red carpet. Scream to your heart's content. This is what I've decided, I'm a great parent making great decisions. Not that you're going to say that, but in your mind. I'm working hard to be the best parent for you.

So the screaming continues. Let it go. Let it blow. Let it flow. All of those things. Just let it be and it will stop. Have you seen children do this? I see it all the time with toddlers. They scream so loud, they yell so loud or they cry so hard and in that moment I feel like this is going to be the rest of my life in this situation and look what I've done to this child, and I go to all these terrible places. But when I'm brave, when I let my shoulders drop and just relax and let, roll out the red carpet for them to have their feeling or their response, it goes away. It goes away very quickly. It's magical. So do this. Trust this process. Be this brave hero that says, Tell me, tell me how much you don't like this, I want to hear, I want to hear the full extent of it. Blast me. I'm strong, I'm your mom, you're my kids and this is normally and healthy for us to have this exchange. Telling yourself all those kinds of things will help.

Then she goes on to say, "The worst is in the car. I can't say, 'I won't let you yell at me.'" Uh-oh, so she's been saying, "I won't let you yell at me." That's making this all worse because now, by saying, "I won't let you yell at me," you're giving your child this big ticket to bother you. Here, look, here's something that I can't control you doing that really bothers me. I don't want you to yell at me. So again, I would have the opposite attitude. I would be, Yell at me when you're mad. You can't hurt me with a yell.

So she's set this up, as we commonly do, all of us, she has set up this situation where her children can use this as a power tool to bother her. So at that point it becomes something other than just pure, authentic I need to scream. It can become I need to scream plus I need my mother to figure out why her children can just do something like this so easily that blows her out of the water.

Anyway she says, "The worst is in the car. I can't say, 'I won't let you yell at me,' because I can't stop them."

That's true. You can't really ever stop someone yelling at you. You have to know deep in your heart that they will grow out of this, they will be able to self-regulate, they will not always be people yelling and screaming.

Now if we yell and scream, that's going to be very profound modeling because everything we do is profound modeling, so that can actually create a screamer, but other than that, this will go away if we can respond to it calmly and allow it and accept it and not be fazed by it.

So she says, "While I remain calm, inside I feel trapped and tortured." I think this is because, most of us, when we feel trapped and tortured by what our child does, it's not just because the sound is loud, it's because we feel it getting to us, like they're being mean or we're supposed to do something to make it better. Our child is not happy and that means the world is not good at this moment. We go to those kinds of places. So yes, it's loud, yes, I would just calmly put your hand, your free hand if you have one, on your ear. If it's terrible and you say, "Please, ok, guys, can you save that for when we get home?" or something.

If it's really bothering you, then I would maybe pull over. I would really maybe consider if where you're taking them is a privilege for them. If it is, I would be very honest. "I'm not going to sit in a screaming car while I take you girls shopping so we're going to turn around." That is a very honest, logical consequence and the only kind I would ever use because it comes from your heart and your personal boundaries and you not being a doormat. So I would stop it at that point, but there's really nothing else that you can do that's effective. And again, I wouldn't even do that to be effective, I would do it because that's your real feeling. I can't stand this and I'm not going to take you somewhere fun if you can't respect me on this.

Other than that, I would let it go. If you say anything, I would try to very much understate it. "Huh, that's a bit loud." "Hmm, that's a bit strong." Those kind of responses. Totally sucks the power out of these behaviors that come under the category of We Can't Control This. Same with words that they use as weapons. Same with, well really almost everything, I would have a calm, This doesn't bother me, you're little kids, I'm a grown up attitude.

And that tends to diffuse so much of this and certainly take the testing out of it, making it more authentic. That will help you to know that, once you've taken your testing out it, that you're being the recipient of testing, such an easy recipient of testing by having a reaction. Once you take that out of it, then behavior becomes much more purely authentic. Wow, she felt so upset that she just needed to scream. So our responses add on to these behaviors, putting a little edge on them, because it's not just about that they need to scream, it's about that they found this easy way to bother us. And it's a little bit disconcerting that it can be so easy to bother your mother, who's an adult, has been on this planet for a long time.

What Teresa says is, "It makes me want to cry."

I'm sorry about that. Yeah, I think Teresa is going to a place of feeling victimized by this behavior, like her daughters are being bullies and just being so unkind and she's taking this to a very personal place, which again is common for us to do. It's not personal. The only thing personal about it is that we've had a big response to it, so that means what we do have is the power to totally diffuse this behavior and make it very, very rare by again under-reacting, knowing its healthy, knowing its positive, the more they get out the better, the less primal scream therapy bills you're gonna have in the future. 🙂 That was one of Magda Gerber's jokes, my mentor. She used to say sometimes that if a toddler was screaming, having a meltdown in one of her classes, she would say to the mother, "Well, she won't need to go to primal scream therapy when she's older." And I know, that could seem cold, but we all got it. We got that this is healthy for children, young children especially, to do.

And teenagers, by the way, not that much different. They need to scream, they need to slam the door, they need maybe to say, "I hate you." Those kind of things. So rather than seeing these kinds of behaviors as a fail or feeling like a victim to them, see them as a win. Not that you want your children to be upset, but a win for your relationship because of the way you're handling it. The messages you're giving your children are amazing. Y ou're safe with me. You can show me your dark sides. Your feelings are a safe place to go. I'm Mom who knows what I'm doing. It's a great opportunity.

Now Teresa says, "I have just been feeling beat up by the yelling and like they won't stop arguing the boundaries."

Okay, I didn't even read that before I said it sounds like she feels bullied by her children. So, don't be somebody that can be beat up by yelling. You're bigger than that. You're stronger than that. Rise above this. You can't get beat up by yelling. So again, seeing this differently, rolling out the red carpet. Yell, yell louder, go guys, get it out, you really don't like what I chose, you don't like this boundary. Tell me. I want to hear it. If you had that attitude, you'd be set.

"But they won't stop arguing the boundaries." That's a really good point. "They won't stop arguing the boundaries." No they won't, but the question here is, why are you arguing the boundaries with them? It takes two to argue. If you're not arguing back, there's no one to argue with. So let them complain about the boundaries. Let them say what a terrible boundary that was, fifty thousand times, that they really want to do it and how could you do this and all? Again expressing feelings, positive, good. Rise higher. Rise above it. Imagine yourself this big, powerful person. Because you are in this relationship. And you know what? They need us to be. They need us to be big, powerful people in this relationship, because if not, they can't be little kids in this relationship. They can't be the kids unless we're the big, powerful-comfortably and gently powerful-grownup.

So then Teresa says, "I feel like I'm doing something wrong because I'm feeling annoyed."

Well, yeah, so what's wrong is the way that she's perceiving her children's behavior and response to her limit. The way she's perceiving it is what's wrong. So feeling annoyed, if we're perceiving this in a healthy way, won't happen.

"I don't know how to fix it." That's right, none of us know how to fix somebody else's feelings. Throw your hands up and surrender to that.

"Thanks in advance if you can help."

You're very welcome, I really hope this helped. I share more about this in my book which is available on audio and Kindle and Nook and iBook and some other places I'm not thinking of right now. This should really help you get the dynamic of our relationship with our children around boundaries and how it feels to have that back and forth where we say, T his is something that you really don't want to hear, but this is how it's going to be. We stay comfortable, they ask fifty thousand times. We keep nodding our heads, maybe, or we don't, we keep letting it go.

Every ten times they say it, we say, "Wow, you're still bothered by that, you're still thinking about how I said no to that, you're not liking that." So it's clear. It's maybe a bit scary to go to these places and just let these feelings explode, but there's a great freedom in it as well, and when you get used to this feeling, these feelings of diving into this, I don't know, diving out of an airplane, whatever it feels like to just let feelings be, let them come at you and know that it's not about you, it's about them, very freeing. You may even get hooked on this. But it's, as freeing as it is, it's still going to be a challenge. It's still a challenge for me with my older children. Every time I do it and, you know, afterwards, I pat myself on the back. You did it. You let them be themselves in this relationship with you. Be their worst selves in this relationship with you.

The amount of love they feel is incredible.

So that's it for today. Thank you so much and don't forget, we can do this.

(Photo by the wonderful Sara Prince!)

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Respectful Parenting Podcasts: "Janet Lansbury Unruffled" - Janet Lansbury

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I'm excited to be launching a weekly podcast series! Janet Lansbury Unruffled will be available on iTunes, Soundcloud, and Stitcher. I hope you'll tune in and maybe even subscribe (it's free). I hadn't seriously considered doing weekly podcasts before, because I couldn't wrap my head around adding another commitment to my plate.

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https://a.co/d/1Ddpk7q

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No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame

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No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame [Lansbury, Janet] on Amazon.com. *FREE* shipping on qualifying offers. No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame

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https://a.co/d/aRFHQJT

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Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting

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Janet Lansbury's advice on respectful parenting is quoted and shared by millions of readers worldwide. Inspired by the pioneering parenting philosophy of her friend and mentor, Magda Gerber, Janet's influential voice encourages parents and child care professionals to perceive babies as unique, ca...

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https://a.co/d/i5yuiXD

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Your Self-Confident Baby: How to Encourage Your Child's Natural Abilities -- From the Very Start

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Your Self-Confident Baby: How to Encourage Your Child's Natural Abilities -- From the Very Start [Gerber, Magda, Johnson, Allison] on Amazon.com. *FREE* shipping on qualifying offers. Your Self-Confident Baby: How to Encourage Your Child's Natural Abilities -- From the Very Start

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https://a.co/d/d8v2FMM

This CHANGED the way I parent, especially with homework struggles.

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The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

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The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives - Kindle edition by Stixrud, William, Johnson, Ned. Download it once and read it on your Kindle device, PC, phones or tablets.

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https://a.co/d/4DIxpHb

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How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success

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Buy How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success: Read Kindle Store Reviews - Amazon.com

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https://a.co/d/0AUZBsM

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NAUTILUS AWARD WINNER, 2011 Written by Namaste author Shefali Tsabary, PhD, with the Preface by His Holiness the Dalai Lama and advance acclaim by authors Eckhart Tolle, Marianne Wiliamson, Marci Shimoff, Laura Berman Fortgang, and other leaders in the field of parenting, this is the book we've a...

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https://a.co/d/ajX8mYD

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The Awakened Family: How to Raise Empowered, Resilient, and Conscious Children

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The Awakened Family: How to Raise Empowered, Resilient, and Conscious Children - Kindle edition by Tsabary, Shefali. Download it once and read it on your Kindle device, PC, phones or tablets. Use features like bookmarks, note taking and highlighting while reading The Awakened Family: How to Raise Empowered, Resilient, and Conscious Children.

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https://a.co/d/0YFHD7z

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https://a.co/d/2AHFtUC

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Simple Happy Parenting: The Secret of Less for Calmer Parents and Happier Kids

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Simple Happy Parenting: The Secret of Less for Calmer Parents and Happier Kids [Barahona, Denaye, de Jong, Manon, Drucker, Amy] on Amazon.com. *FREE* shipping on qualifying offers. Simple Happy Parenting: The Secret of Less for Calmer Parents and Happier Kids

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https://a.co/d/dpZ5QHW

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1-2-3 Magic: Gentle 3-Step Child & Toddler Discipline for Calm, Effective, and Happy Parenting (Positive Parenting Guide for Raising Happy Kids)

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1-2-3 Magic: Gentle 3-Step Child & Toddler Discipline for Calm, Effective, and Happy Parenting (Positive Parenting Guide for Raising Happy Kids) [Phelan PhD, Thomas] on Amazon.com. *FREE* shipping on qualifying offers.

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https://a.co/d/1tFUJkg

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The Happiest Baby on the Block; Fully Revised and Updated Second Edition: The New Way to Calm Crying and Help Your Newborn Baby Sleep Longer

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Buy The Happiest Baby on the Block; Fully Revised and Updated Second Edition: The New Way to Calm Crying and Help Your Newborn Baby Sleep Longer: Read Kindle Store Reviews - Amazon.com

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Your whole family will benefit if you take care of yourself first... took me a VERY long time to get that.

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Love these so much and still use many, if not all to this day.  Maya heard one of them so much she still says "safeyoukafe" from "My first job is to keep you safe..." LOL

https://simplefamilies.com/episode315/

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So we often say things we don't mean or say things that just kind of spill out of our mouth is like verbal diarrhea. If this sounds like you, if this sounds familiar, then you may benefit from having some clear cut phrases that you use repeatedly because you get in the habit of using these phrases. They're going to come more naturally. They're going to come easier during times of stress during times of overwhelm during times of verbal diarrhea during times when you feel like you're at your wit's end, and you have no idea what to do and no idea what to say. I haven't been sharing these 10 things on Instagram for the past few days, and they've been really popular over there. And I felt like it was important to recap it here on the podcast too, because like most things when it comes to parenting or just learning in general, we often have to hear things multiple times for them to really sink in for them to really become ingrained into our minds.

So you might want to listen to this episode more than once you might want to go to the show notes at simplefamilies.com/episode 226 and read these over. I'm working on a principle so you can print them out and hang them up on your refrigerator, but that's not quite ready yet. But if you want to get that, when it is go to simplefamilies.com and make sure you're on the email list. And if you go to simplefamilies.com/workshop, you'll get the free workshop. And you'll also get put on the email list. So you'll get updates when I send out things like free printables.

So without further ado, I'm going to go ahead and get started with number one. Sometimes we get angry with each other, but we still love each other. If you've been listening to the podcast for some time, you've probably heard me talk about this phrase before. And I made this one number one, because it's probably my most commonly used one. So why does this phrase matter? Sometimes we get angry with each other, but we still love each other.

Well, this phrase matters because children tend to think black and white in all or nothing. Yeah. We recently did an episode on this on absolute thinking. This is developmentally normal for our kids to think in absolutes like this, but it can be hurtful to us as adults. But if you could get inside the mind of your child, you would know that it's actually really hard for them to understand this dichotomy, that we can still love each other and be angry with each other at the same time. I love you. I hate you. You're my best friend. You're my worst enemy. It's hard for our kids to see the gray area in between.

So when we get upset with them or when they get upset with us and these angry feelings are exchanged, it's not uncommon for our kids to fear that our love might be turned off like a light switch. So in our house, we end every argument, every dispute with this phrase, sometimes we get angry with each other, but we still love each other. It's not an apology. I'm not apologizing for my anger. I'm not, I'm not apologizing for my feelings or even what I said. It's an acknowledgement. It's an acknowledgement that I know my kids think in black and white, but I'm going to make darn sure that they know that my love is absolute and unconditional. Even if I'm angry or even if they're angry and have done and said things that they're not proud of.

Number two, it sounds like you don't prefer this. It's are allowed to say no. They're allowed to opt out of things. But sometimes when they do it, that he used words that we don't particularly love as adults. They don't say it politely, this food is gross. I don't like him. I hate this toy. I won't play that game so we could spend all day telling our kids what we don't want to hear. Don't say that. Stop saying that don't be, I mean, you're so rude. Or Instead of criticizing their criticisms, we could lead by example. What if we could respond with the words we want to hear. Instead in the early years as their language is developing, they will adapt to the words that we use, but it takes time.

Don't expect to see change overnight. So this is why I respond to most complaints and negativity with the same. It sounds like you don't prefer this. This allows me to acknowledge their choice and reflect back some new, more desirable language that gets filed away in their brains. And hopefully to be used in the future. Think about this, like planting seeds, number three, as your mom, it's my job to keep your brain and your body healthy. So if your kids are anything like mine, you hear requests like this. Can I have candy? I need more iPad time. I don't want to go outside. Can I have whipped cream for breakfast? All of those things have been said in my house this week, maybe today.

Our kids are persistent and often they want things that we don't want to give them full disclosure. I actually use this phrase For me, just as much as I do for them as your mom. It's my job to keep your brain and body healthy. So you see this saying gives me strength. That makes me feel empowered, to stay rooted in my principles so that I don't waiver. It also helps my kids to recognize that I'm not just quote unquote being mean. I'm actually doing my job. My job as a mother is to keep my kids healthy and safe.

So here's a specific example of how I use this. Recently. I said this to my son. I know, I know you don't want to go on a hike. You just want to stay home and watch TV. But as your mom, it's my job to keep your brain and your body healthy. And that means I have to feed you good food and make sure that you move your body a lot.

I know it's not what you want to hear, but I'm just doing my job. I feel in some ways, this kind of lifts the responsibility off my shoulders and allows my kids to believe that there is a higher power that I am answering to an ultimate parental authority. That's going to be checking in on me to make sure that I'm doing my job, which sometimes I kind of wish there was all right, let's go on to number four. I feel like I'm about to get angry. So I don't love this one, but it does serve a purpose. So I don't really love it because it feels like a threat, but these things aren't about being perfect. They're about being real. So here's why I use this one. Even though I don't totally love it. Anger has the tendency to simmer quietly inside of our minds and then explode.

So when you're trying to hold in your agitation, you might be sitting and simmering and silence thinking about all the things that are driving you crazy. And then all of the sudden you're yelling. You just can't hold it in anymore. You go from zero to a hundred. So when I use this phrase, I feel like I'm about to get angry. It's like me going from zero to 50 instead of zero to a hundred. I'm not totally calm when I'm saying it, but I'm also showing some personal restraint. It prevents the full-on explosion for me.

So when I noticed myself start to get increasingly agitated, like I'm on the path to yelling, I'll say it out loud. I feel like I'm about to get angry. This serves as a warning sign for myself and the people around me that I am doing my darn best to hold it together and not explode. And most of the time it works. My kids usually step back and they give me a little bit of breathing room and I take some deep breaths and I can call myself down. So mostly I do it for myself, but I also do it for my kids because they're watching and they're listening and they're seeing me use this self-talk to mediate these intense feelings before they get to be unbearable, before I lose it.

They're seeing me take the deep breaths. They're learning how to regulate their emotions by watching me regulate my emotions. And if I was perfectly happy and perfectly calm all the time, I wouldn't be giving them very many learning opportunities. So maybe they should be thanking me for this one. Right? All right.

Number five, you are more than pretty. You are brave, strong kind and clever in this world that we live in pretty gets a lot of emphasis. So don't be surprised if you're a little girl or maybe even a little boy approaches you frequently to ask, do I look pretty? And don't be surprised if strangers stop you in the grocery store to shower him or her with praise of how pretty she is or how handsome he is. So how do I respond? Well, I start by affirming my daughter and I say, yes, you are beautiful, but you're so much more than that.

You are brave, strong kind and clever. So as with all these simple sayings, we use this on repeat. And by using this phrase repeatedly, we're planting these important seeds. It's fine and lovely to be pretty, but it's just a very small part of who we are as women. We are so much more than pretty.

Number six, I'm still learning. I am more work in progress. I had this poignant moment with my daughter a few months ago, she had a runny nose and I kept swooping in to catch it before it dripped, you know, responsive parenting one Oh one. Well, this infuriated her, she didn't mind me wiping her nose, but she just didn't want me jumping in and putting my hands all up in her face without warning. You know, she just wanted a little respect, which I loved. She wanted me to ask permission before wiping totally reasonable. Right? And it seems simple, but it wasn't because I kept doing it.

Despite her numerous requests, I still impulsively wiped. Her nose jumped right up in there, stuck my hands in her face, started wiping. And you know, I found myself apologizing because she asked me not to do it. And I kept doing it. And I found myself saying this, I'm sorry, I'm still learning. You know, because even as a full grown adult, I am still learning and I frequently get it wrong. I am a work in progress, just like my kids. And I'm thankful that the people around me are willing to give me the time and the space and the compassion to learn and make mistakes.

Because sometimes I do make mistakes. Sometimes I drop stuff and sometimes I break stuff. Sometimes I yell and cry. Sometimes I mess up and sometimes I do stupid stuff that they asked me a million times not to do. And it's important for me to remember these things that I do, all these things as an adult, because I need reminders that it's okay for my kids to do these things too. I'm raising little humans and they are going to frequently get it wrong because they too are work in progress and I'm not going to expect perfectly obedient behavior.

Instead, I'm going to expect that sometimes they're going to make mistakes. Sometimes they're going to drop stuff. Sometimes they're going to break stuff. Sometimes they're going to yell. Sometimes they're going to cry. Sometimes they're going to mess up. And sometimes they're going to do stupid stuff that I asked them a million times not to do. And what am I going to do? I'm going to do my best to offer them the time and space and compassion to learn and grow. And then I'm probably going to revert back to number four and use, I feel like I'm about to get angry because I too am a work in progress. And even though I don't expect my kids to be perfectly obedient, I'm not always going to stay calm.

Number seven. It sounds like you need some personal space. As kids are growing, they're learning to communicate their needs. In the early years. It's pretty rare that these needs get communicated gracefully. Instead, you might hear them saying to you or to their siblings or to their peers. Things like get away from me, leave me alone. I don't want you here. Go away. Sometimes we get so caught up in the way that the message is being delivered. That we can't even hear the message.

Here's an example. I'm going to give you two scenarios, scenario A and scenario B. So here's a, your child is feeling irritated and she screams at you, go away your authoritarian instincts, kick in and say, she can't talk to me like that. I need to discipline her. So you get in her face and you firmly declare that she can't speak to adults that way. And she's in big trouble. Then you find yourself carrying on about how rude she's being.

And it's really hard to let it go because you feel so triggered. You might even put her in timeout. And then you end the interaction feeling like you kind of sort of disciplined her, but you're not really sure if he did the right thing. The truth is that sometimes we get irritated as humans, adults, and kids, and sometimes we need personal space. And that is a perfectly reasonable request. And really in this scenario, that's what she wanted. She wanted a little bit of personal space. She just didn't communicate it in the way that you wanted her to. And now the result is you probably have another battle on your hands.

So let's try this scenario. Another way. Here's scenario B, your child is feeling irritated and screams at you. Go away your authoritative instincts, kick in and tell you to listen to the core of her message. What is she really saying? So you reflect back to her. Oh, it sounds like you need some personal space. And then you close the door and you walk away. You're calm. You avoided a battle and you have taught her new words to communicate her needs. You have disciplined her capital. Have you have disciplined her because discipline is about teaching. You taught her how you wanted her to communicate and set of standing around lamenting about how you didn't want her to communicate.

We can get really caught up in this idea of adequately disciplining our kids. And usually what that means to us is that we have to be mean we have to get angry, but remind yourself that discipline is about education. So what if we could focus on the message and temporarily put aside the way that the message is delivered, then we can help to give our kids new words to communicate their needs. And we can do this by reflecting back the words that we want to hear. And I'm telling you that is disciplining because to discipline means to teach.

All right, number eight. Can you tell me more about what you're doing? So with this one, I always approach with inquisition, not accusation. Here's an example. One day I heard this crazy ruckus outside of my house and I walked out and my son was running back and forth along the stone pavers and our backyard. And he had a metal shovel and he was running back and forth and back and forth banging and banging on the stone pavers. My first inclination was to scream, knock it off. You're going to break something.

But instead of going to accusation, I led with inquisition. So I took a deep breath and I walked out and calmly asked, Hey, can you tell me more about what you're doing here? So I did this and he told me that he was making music. And at second glance, he wasn't really behaving eratically. After all. He was pretending that the stones were a giant xylophone and the metal shovel was a mallet and each stone was making different sounds based on their sizes.

So instead of being mad, I was actually kind of impressed with his creativity. So what did I do? I told him that he could continue as long as he wasn't damaging anything. So he and I walked around and checked all the stones and they were unharmed. So I let him carry on. We have to remind ourselves that sometimes there's a method to their madness and we just have to pause and figure out what it is. We can always strive to approach with inquisition wondering about what they're doing rather than accusation, because there might be some serious exploratory learning going on.

Number nine. Okay. Let's do it together. So last night I did not feel like cooking dinner. I cooked dinner every night and it's just part of my regular routine, but there are days when I just don't want to tase when I'm tired and overwhelmed and cooking dinner is something I do naturally. And normally every day it just feels hard. And on those days I would give anything to have someone sneak up behind me and cheerfully say, okay, well, let's do it together. How wonderful would it be for someone to walk and offer a helping hand? How wonderful would it be for someone to walk up and say, okay, let's do it together when I'm struggling.

So, this is the phrase that I use when I want to break down resistance in my kids, because we all need a helping hand. Even with things we do every day, even with things we already know how to do what I'm doing here is I'm teaching my kids. That family is about working together and collaboration.

And to do that, I'm willing to jump in and model this as a family value. When I can help, I'll help. You don't wanna put your shoes on. Okay, let's do it together. I'll put one on and you put on the other, you don't want to clean up the toys. Okay, let's do it together. I'll clean up this pile and you get the other one when I'm available. I don't hesitate to help. I don't hesitate to collaborate with my kids because as they grow and they see me struggle with something simple, like cooking dinner too. I want them to turn to me and say, but mama, you already know how to do this. You are old enough to cook dinner. No, I want them to jump in and say, let's do it together. I want them to offer up help and to support each other as siblings and to support me and to support my husband and to support other people in need last but not least.

Number 10. Wow. You're working really hard on that. So I'm the kind of person that has a hard time keeping my mouth shut. If my kids are working really hard at something and they're immersed in it, the best thing would probably be just to let them be. But sometimes I feel inclined to say something. And when I do, I'll try to praise hard or work. Now praising hard work and noticing what my kids are doing is really moving towards a growth mindset. This idea, if we work hard, we can accomplish anything that we put our minds to. So if my kids are immersed in something, they're working really hard at something, instead of walking in and being disruptive and asking questions or giving suggestions, I might just comment, wow, you're working really hard on that. It allows me to say something. It allows me to notice them without making it about me without derailing, whatever it is that they're so focused on.

All right. I hope you've enjoyed these 10 things. These were a lot of fun to put together. Some of these might sound familiar to you because I have talked about them on the podcast before, and I'm going to keep talking about them because just like our kids need repetition. So do we, if you want to see the written form of this, you can go to simplefamilies.com/episode 226. And if you want to stay in touch with simple families and get the free workshop, I would love to have you go to simple families.com afford Sasha workshop. You'll get that sent to you instantly, and you'll get the weekly updates of what's going on in Simple Families.

Later this month in July, I'm going to be doing a workshop on toy minimalism, how to get started with decluttering, the toys and how to be more intentional about bringing toys into the home. So keep an eye out for that one. I appreciate you all tuning in and your ongoing support. If you have enjoyed this episode, please take a screenshot of yourself, listening to it and share it on Instagram and make sure you tag me so I can reshare it too. I hope you're having a great week and I'll talk to you soon. Have a good one.

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10 Simple + Impactful Things to Say to Kids

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So we often say things we don't mean or say things that just kind of spill out of our mouth is like verbal diarrhea. If this sounds like you, if this sounds familiar, then you may benefit from having some clear cut phrases that you use repeatedly because you get in the habit of using these phrases.

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https://med.stanford.edu/newborns/professional-education/breastfeeding/preparing-for-successful-breastfeeding.html

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The videos and images on this site contain demonstrations of carefully evaluated techniques to enable successful breastfeeding for mother and child.

Thank you for using our materials, and please provide feedback on anything that can be presented more clearly.

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The videos and images on this site contain demonstrations of carefully evaluated techniques to enable successful breastfeeding for mother and child. Thank you for using our materials, and please provide feedback on anything that can be presented more clearly.

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Dr. Milk on Facebook is an awesome community with good advice for the lactating physician mom.