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How we can help kids with self regulation

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How we can help kids with self regulation

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The Child Mind Institute goes into great detail in this article about self regulation. They discuss what self regulation and what emotional dysregulation is. next they discuss why some children have more struggles than others. In addition to this they discuss different ways self regulation can be taught and practiced. One focus is to make children more self reflective throughout the whole process.

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If you're a parent, chances are you've witnessed a tantrum or two in your day. We expect them in two-year-olds. But if your child reaches school age and meltdowns and outbursts are still frequent, it may be a sign that they have difficulty with emotional self-regulation.

Simply put, self-regulation is the difference between a two-year-old and a five-year-old who is more able to control their emotions. Helping kids who haven't developed self-regulation skills at the typical age is the goal of parent training programs. And many older children, even if they're beyond tantrums, continue to struggle with impulsive and inappropriate behavior.

What is self-regulation?

Self-regulation is the ability to manage your emotions and behavior in accordance with the demands of the situation. It includes being able to resist highly emotional reactions to upsetting stimuli, to calm yourself down when you get upset, to adjust to a change in expectations, and to handle frustration without an outburst. It is a set of skills that enables children, as they mature, to direct their own behavior towards a goal, despite the unpredictability of the world and our own feelings.

What does emotional dysregulation look like?

Problems with self-regulation manifest in different ways depending on the child, says Matthew Rouse, PhD, a clinical psychologist. "Some kids are instantaneous - they have a huge, strong reaction and there's no lead-in or build-up," he says. "They can't inhibit that immediate behavior response."

For other kids, he notes, distress seems to build up and they can only take it for so long. Eventually it leads to some sort of behavioral outburst. "You can see them going down the wrong path but you don't know how to stop it."

The key for both kinds of kids is to learn to handle those strong reactions and find ways to express their emotions that are more effective (and less disruptive) than having a meltdown.

Why do some kids struggle with self-regulation?

Dr. Rouse sees emotional control issues as a combination of temperament and learned behavior.

"A child's innate capacities for self-regulation are temperament and personality-based," he explains. Some babies have trouble self-soothing, he adds, and get very distressed when you're trying to bathe them or put on clothes. Those kids may be more likely to experience trouble with emotional self-regulation when they're older.

But the environment plays a role as well. When parents give in to tantrums or work overtime to soothe their children when they get upset and act out, kids have a hard time developing self-discipline. "In those situations, the child is basically looking to the parents to be external self-regulators," Dr. Rouse says. "If that's a pattern that happens again and again, and a child is able to 'outsource' self-regulation, then that's something that might develop as a habit."

Children with ADHD or anxiety may find it particularly challenging to manage their emotions, and need more help to develop emotional regulation skills.

How do we teach self-regulation skills?

Scott Bezsylko, the executive director of the Winston Prep schools for children with learning differences, says that acting out is essentially an ineffective response to a stimulus. The parent or teacher needs to help the child slow down and more carefully choose an effective response instead of being impulsive.

"We approach self-regulation skills in the same way we approach other skills, academic or social: isolate that skill and provide practice," Bezsylko explains. "When you think of it as a skill to be taught - rather than, say, just bad behavior - it changes the tone and content of the feedback you give kids. "

The key to learning self-regulation skills, says Dr. Rouse, is not to avoid situations that are difficult for kids to handle, but to coach kids through them and provide a supportive framework - clinicians call it "scaffolding" the behavior you want to encourage - until they can handle these challenges on their own.

Imagine a situation that can produce strong negative emotions, like a frustrating math homework assignment. If a parent hovers too much, they risk taking over the regulation role. "Instead of the child recognizing that the work is frustrating and figuring out how to handle it," Dr. Rouse explains, "what they feel is that the parent is frustrating them by making them do it."

Scaffolding in this situation might be helping the child with one problem, and then expecting them to try the rest. If they feel frustrated, they might get up and get a drink. They might use a timer to give themselves periodic breaks. The parent would check in on them at intervals, and offer praise for their efforts.

If a child is prone to melting down when they're asked to stop playing a video game, scaffolding might be practicing transitioning away from the game. "You'd want to practice with a game in which they're not overly invested - you don't want to begin with high-stakes," Dr. Rouse explains. "Have them practice playing for two or three minutes and then handing you the game. They get points towards something they want every time they do it."

Dry runs are another way to scaffold self-regulation. For instance, if you've had trouble with a child reacting impulsively or having a tantrum in a store, make a short visit when you don't need to do serious shopping. Have them practice walking with you, keeping their hands to themselves. They get points towards some goal every time they are successful.

Dr. Rouse says that often parents get discouraged when things don't go well the first time they try skill-building, but consistency and starting at a level that is appropriate for your child are key. Rather than giving up, try paring down the activity so it is more doable, and slowly give your child more and more independence to handle it.

For instance, if brushing their teeth is a problem for your child, you might start by focusing just on putting toothpaste on the brush, and respond with positive feedback and rewards when they do it. Once they've practiced that a few times, add the next step in the chain.

Similarly, if getting out the door in the morning is causing meltdowns, target one step at a time. First, say, getting dressed by 7:15. Once they've mastered that, set a target time for breakfast, and add that. Breaking the chain into small steps allows them to build self-regulation skills in manageable increments.

Help kids become self-reflective

Bezsylko stresses that when parents or teachers approach impulsive, inappropriate behavior calmly and give them time, kids can learn to choose better ways to respond to that situation. The feedback kids need is non-judgmental and non-emotional: what went wrong, and why, and how they can fix it next time.

"When kids are part of an environment that's reflective and analytic as opposed to emotional and fast-paced," Bezsylko explains, "they can learn to make better choices." Slowing down allows children to become more thoughtful, reflective and self-aware. "We need to slow down and model self-reflection and self-awareness and self-regulation for our kids," he notes, "but it's also helpful and good for us, too."

Bezsylko notes that mindfulness and meditation are good for everyone, but especially for children with self-regulation challenges. And Dr. Rouse mentions the many parent training programs available to help them become better coaches for their kids. For older kids, dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is also an option, as it focuses on distress tolerance and emotion regulation.

At the end of the day, though, nothing can replace the work of the parent. "It seems to me," says Dr. Rouse, "that the family environment is the most important piece."

Frequently Asked Questions

How can I help my child regulate their emotions?

What is self-regulation in child development?

At what age can a child control their emotions?

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How Can We Help Kids With Self-Regulation? - Child Mind Institute

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Tips for helping kids improve their self-regulation skills when they need help to control emotions, handle frustration and resist impulsive behavior. Advice from experts.

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PBS Kids for Parents wrote an article that focuses specifically on what parents can do to support their kids. It tells parents simple things can help their child succeed. Things like rest, nutrition, free play, deep breathing, discussing feelings and listening to calming music. they may seem like small things but this article shows how they can make a huge difference.

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Self-Regulation Strategies | Parenting Tips & Advice

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When we give children the self-regulation strategies to stay calm in stressful situations, they are also developing strong habits for staying in control in the future.

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This video is 8 minutes long and very informative. It starts off with lessons about what self regulation is and then proceeds to teach 5 fun and easy games that you can incorporate at home to teach self regulation. These games include Red Light Green Light, The Freeze Game, Wacky Relay, Self Control Bubbles, and Ready Set Go. With each of these games instructions this video describes what skills are specifically being started and connects them back to the main goal of self regulation.

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5 Incredibly Fun GAMES to Teach Self-Regulation (Self-Control) | Social Emotional Learning

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Edutopia is a great place to start when looking for good resources. This article talks specifically about a few things you can do to teach self regulation in your home. It breaks it down into tools, instructions on how to scaffold (breaking learning into easier chunks), how to discuses and reflect, and how to model and practice appropriate behaviors for your child.

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Social & Emotional Learning (SEL)

To succeed in school, students need to be able to focus, control their emotions, and adjust to change.

©Shutterstock/Tyler Olson

Many students enter our classrooms with psychological and learning issues, ADHD, or even adverse childhood experiences and trauma that affect their executive functioning and ability to self-regulate. They do not have the tools they need to focus and pay attention, keep their emotions in check, adjust to change, or handle the frustration that is sometimes a part of interacting with others or learning something new.

This can make it very challenging to complete required tasks in the classroom. As a middle school special education teacher, I quickly determined that in order to make learning accessible to these students, I had to first work on developing their self-regulation skills.

As a new teacher, you may also struggle with teaching effective self-regulation to students. These are some strategies that worked for me.

A positive environment: The classroom should feel like a safe space where strengths are emphasized. When a problem behavior occurs, try not to take it personally or immediately correct the child in front of others. Instead, act as an observer with the goal of figuring out why the behavior is occurring. Then address the behavior once the child has cooled down.

Clear expectations: Schedules, procedures, and an established routine help students understand what to expect and create an environment that feels structured and safe.

Instruction on study skills: As teachers, we often focus on the curriculum, but in order to access content students need skills like the ability to organize their materials, manage their time, stay on task, read with comprehension, and retain and practice what is learned for later use on graded activities. Teaching study strategies to the whole class will help all students to become more independent learners.

Provide Structure and Tools for Learning

Teachers can set up their classrooms to provide the structure and learning tools necessary to help model and teach self-regulation.

Scaffold Instruction

When students seem off task or even shut down and refuse to complete work, sometimes it's because the work is too difficult for them and they're frustrated. I found that students often use this behavior because it has worked for them in the past by allowing them to escape the undesirable task and avoid the embarrassment of looking "dumb." Instead of recognizing that they're frustrated with the work, the student will often express frustration with the teacher for making them complete the assignment.

Scaffolding is breaking learning into chunks and then providing a strategy or a structure to make it easier for students to be able to accomplish each chunk of learning. In order to effectively scaffold instruction, you need to know what a child is capable of doing on their own. This instructional starting point, called the "zone of proximal development" (ZPD), is the difference between what a learner can do independently and what they're able to do with informed assistance.

Starting your instruction at this point allows the student to move more easily to the next logical step developmentally. If a child is struggling, you can usually help them get started by taking a break, determining what they do understand, and then modifying the assignment so that it's within their ZPD.

Discuss and Reflect

Kids need objective, nonjudgmental feedback in order to improve their behavior. When a problem arises, find a calm time to discuss what went wrong, why, and how it can be handled differently next time. This gives usable directions to students who do not already have a structure and the vocabulary needed to regulate their emotions.

If a student is familiar with this process, they may also be able to decompress by reflecting on their own, through a written activity, before talking with the teacher. Reflecting helps students to become more mindful: Instead of just reacting to emotions, they can learn to become the manager of their emotions by recognizing what they are feeling before it becomes an action.

Model and Practice Appropriate Behavior

Students often learn best when you show them how to do something through direct instruction. The same is true with behavior. If students are not displaying productive behavior, the teacher can show them what the effective behavior would look like through modeling activities like "think alouds" or role-playing.

Allow time for children to practice new behaviors they're learning in a low-stakes way that breaks the desirable behavior into achievable steps. As a classroom teacher, I practiced improving transitions with a group by providing a visual and auditory cue (flicking the lights and clapping my hands). Students knew to stop what they were doing and return to their seat. At first, I gave them several minutes to do this and rewarded students who were in their seats, even if they were a bit loud getting there. Gradually, I decreased the time given and only gave rewards to students who were sitting quietly and listening for directions with their materials out, ready to work.

I found that thinking about behavior objectively, as a skill to be taught rather than simply as good or bad, was immensely helpful in my ability to guide children in learning to control their behavior. Some children enter school without the self-regulation skills necessary for school success. We must meet these children where they are and teach them the skills they need to be successful in the classroom.

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To succeed in school, students need to be able to focus, control their emotions, and adjust to change.

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Size of the problem is a great activity to do with your children. Scenarios are written out for you and your child to talk about. They can then be placed on a scale of appropriate responses to the problem. Is it a big problem with a big response or is it a little problem with a little response? This can be done at home or at school.

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Learning to Measure the Size of a Problem