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how do you tell what genders you feel romantic attraction to?

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how do you tell what genders you feel romantic attraction to?

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Can you create your own labels to define your own identity, or is there already a "book"?

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Can you create your own labels to define your own identity, or is there already a "book"?

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What does super straight mean? What does gender fluid mean?

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What does super straight mean? What does gender fluid mean?

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why should the whole system change for a small minority? I agree that it should but I'm curious why you think 

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why should the whole system change for a small minority? I agree that it should but I'm curious why you think 

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Wait so what’s the difference between omnisexual and pansexual?

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Wait so what’s the difference between omnisexual and pansexual?

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what are the most common stigmas surrounding people who identify as bi?

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what are the most common stigmas surrounding people who identify as bi?

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what are ways to ask pronouns of people you've already known for a while?

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what are ways to ask pronouns of people you've already known for a while?

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what is gender, beyond a collection of social norms and expectations?

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what is gender, beyond a collection of social norms and expectations?

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How can trans students access hormones/what is that process like if you do it through school resources (ex. asking school counselors)?

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How can trans students access hormones/what is that process like if you do it through school resources (ex. asking school counselors)?

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Advice on using neo pronouns for friends? 

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Advice on using neo pronouns for friends? 

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How do you let someone know that you're asking them out and not just asking to hang out?

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How do you let someone know that you're asking them out and not just asking to hang out?

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How do I support a friend who changes names often?

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How do I support a friend who changes names often?

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If an intersex person has XY chromosomes, how would they have "female" body parts?

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If an intersex person has XY chromosomes, how would they have "female" body parts?

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Sometimes people ask what my labels are. How do I answer that?

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Sometimes people ask what my labels are. How do I answer that?

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Can you explain the different ways people feel about sex beyond sexual attraction? (i.e. sex-repulsed, sex-neutral)

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Can you explain the different ways people feel about sex beyond sexual attraction? (i.e. sex-repulsed, sex-neutral)

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Are people who are medically transitioning intersex?

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Are people who are medically transitioning intersex?

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What does romantic attraction look like?

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What does romantic attraction look like?

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How do you get better at remembering pronouns?

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How do you get better at remembering pronouns?

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If an Uncle/Aunt comes out as non-binary, what do you refer to them as?

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If an Uncle/Aunt comes out as non-binary, what do you refer to them as?

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What is written on a passport or driver's license if someone is non-binary or not cisgender?

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What is written on a passport or driver's license if someone is non-binary or not cisgender?

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I always thought that making out fell under romantic attraction. Why did you put it under sexual attraction?

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I always thought that making out fell under romantic attraction. Why did you put it under sexual attraction?

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I thought I was...
If I'm x does that mean...
Am I really x if y?

This is kind of a catch-all post for the most common questions we get, which are about labels and identities in general -- gender, attraction, and beyond -- and especially being uncertain about how things might change as you go through your life.

This tumblr post from @pyrrhiccomedy lays things out so well that I wanted to share it with you all. I hope it resonates with you too! <3 Ms Scott

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i apologize for being nosy, and please don't answer this if you don't want to, but i remember a few years ago you had identified as asexual and i was wondering if you still do? i did for a long time but i'm with a new partner now and i'm starting to wonder if maybe the connection just wasn't right with anyone before and that's why i wasn't into having sex? is that normal? i mean, i identified that way for YEARS so i'm just. very confused at myself.

I mean listen, I'm in my 30s. These labels don't mean a lot to me anymore. Like, literally everything is normal. Everything is fine so long as nobody's feelings are being hurt. Don't worry about some label that used to be useful maybe not being useful anymore. Thank it for its service and let it retire. Maybe one day it will be useful again. That doesn't change anything about you, because you are, and always have been, a complex, multifaceted, constantly changing kaleidoscope of emotional and sexual needs, and "asexual" is just a word that helped you make sense of it for a while.

Like, y'all, give yourselves a break. Sex is complicated. Some people are straight their whole lives, and then they meet one person who changes everything. Some people are one thing for a while, then they're another thing, then they go back to being the first thing. Some people stay one thing forever. Some people are really into something in their 20s that grosses them out to even think about for the rest of their lives. All if it's normal.

The words you put on your orientation are not elementally a part of you. They are tools, and as tools they should serve a function. That function can be to help you understand and categorize your own experiences and desires. It can be to help you find a community. It can be to help you get laid. It can just be to set social expectations. These words can be a revelation when you first apply them to yourself: they can be life-saving. But you are not beholden to them.

"Idk, I thought of myself as ace for a long time, but I'm into my current partner, so like, enh? I'm having a good time and my partner and I are both happy, so I guess labels aren't really useful to me right now" can be all you have to say on the subject.

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i apologize for being nosy, and please don't answer this if you don't want to, but i remember a few years ago you had identified as asexual and i was wondering if you still do? i did for a long time...

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Is it normal to only be sexually attracted to one gender while being romantically attracted to more?

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Is it normal to only be sexually attracted to one gender while being romantically attracted to more?

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what is your favorite thing about your own identity?

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what is your favorite thing about your own identity?

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Do you think that gender identity or sexuality can be influenced by other people? Like do you think more people are trans or gay etc. because those around them are?

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Do you think that gender identity or sexuality can be influenced by other people? Like do you think more people are trans or gay etc. because those around them are?

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whats more important? WHO youre attracted to or how you experience attraction? is asexuality/demisexuality really all that different from gay or straight?

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whats more important? WHO youre attracted to or how you experience attraction? is asexuality/demisexuality really all that different from gay or straight?

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is bisexuality really different from pansexuality? i ask this because bisexuality actually does include all genders. thats what the purple on the flag is for

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is bisexuality really different from pansexuality? i ask this because bisexuality actually does include all genders. thats what the purple on the flag is for

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What does it mean to be romantically attracted to people who identify as he/him or they/them but not she/hers (as in like a label)? 

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What does it mean to be romantically attracted to people who identify as he/him or they/them but not she/hers (as in like a label)? 

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So this sounds a little silly, but… it means that’s who you’re attracted to. Full stop. That’s totally valid and it’s also very common, in my experience. I think what you might be asking is, “what does that make me?” or “is there a word for that?” And for that I’ve got two answers, I guess.

The first is, I don’t have a perfect label for you, but some words you might use are that you’re attracted to guys and transmasc nonbinary folks or “masc-of-center” nonbinary folks. (“masc” is just slang for “stereotypically masculine in presentation” and often gets used alongside “femme”. Both masc and femme are terms to describe gender expression – so you can be a femme guy who is cis OR trans, for example.) Or maybe you’re attracted to non-masc nonbinary folks too, in which case, great, you can say that! There might be a word out there that perfectly labels the ways you’re attracted to people, or maybe that word will show up in the next few years as language shifts along with culture.

Personally, I love the word “queer” because it’s an umbrella that doesn’t need me to explain anything about my desire or attraction except that it’s not purely heterosexual… but you may find something else that feels right for you! And honestly, it’s ALSO ok if that something is “I’m straight but with this exception, that’s what feels right to me” – great! Only you get to say what words you own, and it’s ok if it changes.

And that is my second answer: labels are often a site of cognitive dissonance. They can be amazing: empowering, show you you’re not alone, that there are other people out there who share your experiences, or help you explain yourself to others around you. And AT THE SAME TIME they can be a source of pain or discomfort, especially because they can trap you into falsely believing that if you use a certain word for yourself then you should feel a certain way, or look a certain way, or believe certain things, or have certain experiences. And that is a straight up lie. People are messy and complicated, and no label can truly contain us.

You might find a word that works for you right now and helps you understand yourself a little better. Maybe it’ll show up later this summer or your senior year. Maybe that will stay the same for five or fifteen or fifty years, and maybe it won’t. Ambiguity and non-closure are some of the hardest things for some of us to deal with, and this definitely pushes our comfort levels.

When it gets really hard, I hope you can hold on to your high school librarian telling you this with her whole queer heart:
No matter who you desire or what words you use for yourself, you’re not alone. You’ve got this and we’ve got you. I don't know your name, but I see you. There’s space for your whole self in this world. And we are so, so glad you're here.

<3 Ms Scott

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Do you have any tips on how to confront people about correcting pronouns?

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Do you have any tips on how to confront people about correcting pronouns?

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What if the person says to you what the person gender is but then when you are with their family and then the family does not accept that but the person does want you to say how that person told you, what do you do in that situation?

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What if the person says to you what the person gender is but then when you are with their family and then the family does not accept that but the person does want you to say how that person told you, what do you do in that situation?

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what does it mean to be a man or a woman?

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what does it mean to be a man or a woman?

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when you don't know a person gender, and you have to talk to them (ex. like a student), how do you approach that person?

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when you don't know a person gender, and you have to talk to them (ex. like a student), how do you approach that person?

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do you have any specific / smaller ways to support someone following their coming out?

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do you have any specific / smaller ways to support someone following their coming out?