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Med Amine is an other source of pain. what makes him diffrent is he is like a mirror to me. we share a great deal of things that i cant think of clearly yet. i thought i didnt need to write about him but i guess i was wrong. yesterday i got angry with him and i will go about doing the thing that i do here.

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Sanae is an intresting case. i find her character and the tools that she uses with me quite entertaining to think of and scary at the same time because i dont want to be vain. She is a typical people pleaser.
In this chapter i am covering the conclusions that i have about our interactions so far + a defined decision on how to interact with her.

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1. Money. She provides for her family and she borrowing money from me probably makes her anxious.

2. The future. Its her 4th year at High Up and she doesnt know how is she going to find a better path.

3. Her family. Her family leaves her no room to be on her own and explore her intrests. she feels like a maid and grabbed by the attachment she has for her family. ( which makes me think about the time she said she cares about her family and how she still wants to care for them. Doesnt she want to detache from them ?)

4. She doesnt feel confident in herself and abilities. low self esteem problem (what is scary about other ppl. her family fucked her up, and she is trying so hard to supsess her childish side and emotions.)

5. Hurting someone. she hates hurting others but that makes her scared because she knows what is it like to be hurt yet she doesnt know what to do about it. this is one of her core values actualy. idk what to say.

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1. passive perciver

2. she constantly gives positive feedback which doesnt allow room for real conversations. part of me thinks that she doesnt want to engage with me.

3. she is always shaping her answers ans reactions to what is in favor to me. i dont like it but lets continue.

4. she seems to be keen on me talking about smoking and weed. she probably sees it as a reputation killer and it makes her feel a bit confident when i say something about it. it makes me angry if its true, but it doesnt matter cuz i dont have to exlain my behaviors or trap myself where she is.

5. She is never real enough or comfortable enough or straight forward enough. it used to hurt me because it was something wrong with me. but now i see it as a way to block me because she doesnt have the time or energy to deal with it. i belive that part of her is scared to be discovered. now that i am thinking about it, it makes sense that teacher 5alid scares her. she doesnt know what to say if he confronts her. just like how i was last year if someone confronted me about anything i am doing. what a scary place to be in but i think she must face it to feel okay. she is hiding from facing something and the world is stressing her out.

6. she pays attention to the tone of my talk and the way she sounds to not be offensive nor offended.

7. she avoids being trapped with me. i wouldnt blame her. our personalities are so diffrent and our history is fucked. she just wants to help and get help without any complications.

8. she is simple minded.

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1. She is not trying to figure things out. she says that she has to work on things but we both know she wont and she doesnt have to commit to it. i think its one of those things when someone is deeply invested into something and doesnt understand why ppl wouldnt do the same thing he is doing. as a solution i think i shouldnt try to convince her to ask her about anything. fuck it.

2. why does she try to please me all the time. it takes so much from her character that i can connect at all. there is this idea that we are too difrent to connect. and its correct. in conclusion, to her, i am someone to not fuck with too much because all she wants from me is help. and i dont mind helping at all. its just not the help i want to give. tbh i feel like i am making her feel pressured to figure shit out too.

3. i dont know who she is when she is around ppl who make her happy. i dont get her jokes. i dont see her true character outside of our interaction.

4. yes she is not taking the responsibility for the things that are said. i for instance dont know how to manage it too. when i sit with sanae i dont know what to say or behave like. i am doing this to help me. sanae has the tendency to go along with me with is not fun for the flow of the conversation. i cant talk to her about anything yet because i dont think she has anything to say for her self. its fine because i too find myself in these situations. ugh. soooooo i think if i ever sit with her i gotta find a way to enjoy our talk. i hate it when she over compliments my existence but i cant be rude. what could it be...

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1. I always paint myself in a better light when i talk to her. it disgusts me to see myself seeking validation from her and how she complies. i know she isnt trying to hurt me but this is ugly.

2. I get excited when she compliments me and she makes me feel like i am hungry for a good word from her. again she doesnt try to manipulate me. she s rather simple minded. but i dont want to feel dirty like that.

3. this one is serious; she always run to me with her way of speaking and i lose it trying to help her the way i think i right. she doesnt say anything about it but she ends up making a request after i have talked it all out. i feel manipulated because she knows that i am hungry for validation. she throws a bone then after i feel good about myself she feels comfortable to tell me what she needs and then traps herself in bullshit after we meet. we are not the friends i hoped for us to be. but i will decide on something.

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Dont give in to her anxieties. she feels like she has to play this game so i dont feel angry or abused. she is scared of how she can make me feel and i am not a baby. when i say i can help, i dont expect her to groom me  to soften the blow. if she doesnt like how it make her feel then she better get over it or never put herself in that situation again.
other wise, i am here to be an addition to her.

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1. figure out how to interact with her outside of what i am used to. (luring ppl to talk about themselves) hanging around souhaila is a good idea.

2. figure out what is making her uncomfortable and learn how to smoothly get out of it.

3. make it clear  that she needs to trust me if she wants my help.

4. i dont have to show her anything good that i do, i believe in myself enought that i dont need someone to aprove it. i think i am confusing these mistakes for the goal i am trying to achieve. i dont want to be an asshole but i gotta learn to control myself around others and learn how to craft the right image without liying to anybody.

5. its a rule now.. dont tell anyone about the hell you are in never!

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1.  Deception. He is a young man who is afraid of lying to himself. he wants to be authentic to the world but cant be sure what is he all about. he idiolizes Pechorin for the hero of our time. icant think of what he sees in him but i do share my passion for greatness too. unfortunatly thats a persuite that bites me back in the ass every fucking time no matter what.

2. Women. women are confusing to him. he wants to have a traditional marriage but i believe in my heart that he wants to have control over his woman to not be hurt. just like i am restricting myself to these lame notes so i can feel safe with myself around others. i need help

3. Confrontation. he hates making ppl upset. and it takes away from his agressiveness. a key element to be engaged in his rollercoster of a life he wants to leade like pechorin.

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1. he leaves in the middle of the conversation sometimes.

2. he can take a time off without notice

3. he is stupid

4. He is not trying to lock me down which is normal i guess since we are diffrent. wow why am i so intiteled.

5. he sees people as judgmental beings who cant get over themselves and cant be honest with themselves. thus hurting others.

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1. I dont get why he is not crazy like me. he is so strict with himself and his ego. if ur ego is that difficult to tame why not let it loose once in a while.

2. he keeps on asking me if i have learned anything from my one year of hell. its my fault that i painted it like i was after something but in reality i was in hell and i couldnt escape it. i dont know what is he looking for.

3. i dont get why i cant see him fully. i feel like i am scared to face myself but at the same time i want to push it.

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1. he makes me open up and say things that arent true about myself. they might be true but i paint them to be slightly diffrent.

2. sometimes i expect him to regulate my feelings of lonelines. he is not here to save me. he is here to just talk. and besides, he cant catch up on my emotional cues.

3. sometimes i find myself debating with the guy just because i want him to see me a certain way. why am i not confident in what i have to say. if i belive something to be true than i will say it o salina.

4. he comliments me and i hate it. because my insecure ass thinks bila i locked him down and he will never leave me. stupid.

5. he disapoints with his answers.

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i discovered another side of my daddy issues. i think to myself that if i become lovable and respected enough ppl will then give me the attention and love that i deserve. as if it is always my fault that things dont go the way i want them to. the truth is, not everyone is even worth talking to. i burden myself with the need to be smarter and in control, it doesnt gareenty that i will meet anyone close enough to what i need in a relationship. might as well mind my own buisness and do what i like.

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1. talk normaly to him.

2. no need to trigger deep conversations with him if i am tired and sleepy.

3. be transparent about everything that you feel to urself at least. let him figure it out. tbh i dont think he is close enough to know what to do with me.