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Dear Neil: I am very much in love with this man who lost his wife to suicide 5 years ago. We have had a long distance relationship the past 2 years (he lives in Libya, I live in Malta). He has finally started talking about his guilt feelings relating to his wife's death. His moods go up and down, and he has told me that he has been escaping his feelings, but is now ready to face them, and he's trying to do so on his own. A couple of days ago, he told me he wanted to end our relationship, saying he didn't want to put me into this complicated story.

But I'm already in it. He just isn't letting me in very far. I wish he would open up more. I'd like to be his listener, but I don't know how to go about it. I am not confident he is going to be able to pull all this off on his own-his feeling are still going to be suppressed inside. I don't want to lose him-he is a really lovely man. What can I do for him?

Wanting to Help in Malta

Dear Malta: You can offer to be his friend, his sounding board and his helpmate. But you cannot fix this, regardless of what you do. Fixing his emotions and healing his wounds have to come from him. No doubt you're correct when you say that he would be greatly assisted by going to a grief counselor or a psychologist.

He may be trying to tell you he isn't ready to give his heart to you at this time, but he may also be saying that he isn't prepared to let himself get terribly close or vulnerable with any woman, period. Pay close attention to this, because it will tell you whether you should stay or leave.

Dear Neil: Can someone love you deeply, but not value you?

Puzzled in Elizabeth, Colorado

Dear Puzzled: The short answer is no.

A relationship has to work for both of you, and it requires that your partner act (and talk) as if your needs, your feelings and your wishes matter. Unless you have a partnership of equals and are supportive, compassionate and friendly of each other, you will feel that you're in an unequal relationship, and you'll be unhappy and dissatisfied with your partner (and yourself for being willing to accept so little).

A relationship takes two. If you don't feel valued, you will also not feel loved, cherished, cared about or even liked. Who wants to be in such a relationship? It gives you too little, it's hard on the ego, it's painful and it feels like rejection.

Dear Neil: I am a single mom, and my 26 year old daughter and her 4 year old son have moved back into my home. How do I handle this situation, especially regarding boundaries, expectations and obligations?

Mothering Again in Longmont, Colorado

Dear Longmont: As you well know, your daughter no doubt has her own levels of neatness and cleanliness, noise tolerance, parenting style, hours she keeps and perhaps lots of other differences from the way you do things. But she is in your household, and will have to adapt to your needs and requirements, at least most of the time.

Decide what you think are the most important expectations, duties and obligations you would like your daughter and grandson to live up to, and when you're alone with her, present them. Be willing to not be too exacting or unbending. You being flexible will greatly assist your daughter in not feeling like she is your "child" again, and will hopefully allow the two of you to reach an agreement you can both live with. But present what you need in order to live comfortably with her.

Then review this agreement every so often, and address problem areas together. (But don't scold her. Your daughter is now an adult, and will be very sensitive to feeling like she is being treated like a child again.) The upside of this is that you get to spend more time with your now grown daughter, and it gives you additional time to bond with your grandson and watch him grow up.

Tagged: unequal attachment unequal relationships

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Unequal Relationships: When One Person is Trying Harder Than the Other - Neil Rosenthal

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Dear Neil: I am very much in love with this man who lost his wife to suicide 5 years ago. We have had a long distance relationship the past 2 years (he lives in Libya, I live in Malta). He has finally started talking about his guilt feelings relating to his wife's death.

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under a special agreement with

Have you noticed that you get an uneasy feeling down inside of you when you say or do something wrong? This is your conscience.

Your conscience is like a little voice inside of you that tells you when you are right and when you are wrong. You must learn to listen to your conscience because this is one way God speaks to you.

When we are right with God and right with others, our conscience will tell us that we are right. We will have a clear conscience. To be a happy Christian, we must have a clear conscience.

When we sin against God or sin against another person, our conscience will tell us that we are wrong. We will have a guilty conscience.

If we want to get rid of our guilty conscience and have a clear conscience again, we must make things right with God and with the people we have sinned against. When we do this, once again we have a clear conscience and we can be a happy Christian.

How to make things right with God

To make things right with God, we must confess our sins to Him. The Bible says,

"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9

What does this verse say? It says that if we confess our sins to God, He will forgive us and cleanse us. God forgives our sins because He sees the blood of His Son which was shed for them. Once again we are clean in God's sight and we have a clear conscience.

To have a clear conscience, we must make things right with God.

How to make things right with other people

To have a clear conscience, we must not only make things right with God, but we must also make things right with the people whom we have wronged in any way.

When we hurt someone by something we say or do, this is called an offense. When someone has an offense against us, it means that we have wronged them in some way.

If we want to have a clear conscience we must make things right with those we have offended. We must allow God to search our heart and show us the offenses or wrong things we have done to other people. Here are some questions for you to consider:

Have you lied to someone?

Have you ever stolen from someone?

Have you talked back to your parents or disobeyed them?

Have you hurt someone by something you said?

Have you been mean to others in your family-your brother or sister?

Have you acted ugly or disrespectful toward your teacher at school?

Let us consider the steps we must take to make things right with others:

Make a list of the wrong things you have done.

Begin making a list of the wrong things you have done and the people you have hurt or offended. Write down every offense you can think of. Do not be in a hurry. Some things will come to your mind quickly. It may take time to think of other offenses. When you have completed your list, it may look like the picture here.

Go to the person and apologize.

Once the Lord has shown you that you need to apologize to someone, do it promptly. The best way to apologize is to go to the person and speak to him or her alone. Do not talk to other people about it. Go directly to the person and go at a time when you can speak to him or her alone.

Apologize correctly.

When we apologize to someone, we should say what we did wrong and ask the other person to forgive us. We should not try to blame someone else. Many times when a person apologizes to someone, he does it in a wrong way. If you apologize in the wrong way, the offense is not cleared up and it will still be on your conscience.

Wrong ways to apologize:

Many people do not know how to apologize. Here are some examples of wrong ways to apologize:

"If I did anything wrong, I'm sorry." This apology is not a correct one because you have not really admitted that you did anything wrong. You have not said what your offense was or asked for forgiveness.

"I was wrong, but you were wrong too." This is wrong because you are trying to excuse yourself. You must take full responsibility for what you did, regardless of what the other person did.

"I'm sorry I lost my temper, but you made me do it." This is wrong because you are blaming the other person for what you did.

The right way to apologize:

We have just looked at some wrong ways to apologize. Now let us learn the right way to apologize. To apologize correctly, you should:

1. Say what you did wrong.

2. Not blame anybody else.

3. Ask the person to forgive you and wait for his answer.

Here is an example of the right way to apologize:

"Brian, I talked ugly to you the other day. Will you forgive me?" This is the right way to apologize.

Make things right with the other person.

If we have stolen from someone, we must make things right with him. It is not enough to say, "I am sorry that I stole from you. Please forgive me." We must also return what we have stolen or pay for it.

If you stole money, pay it back. If you are not able to do this immediately, make arrangements to pay a certain amount each week until it is paid back. Be sure to keep your word and do what you promised to do.

Don't make excuses.

Sometimes we know what we should do, but we make excuses for not doing it. It is wrong to allow an excuse to keep you from apologizing to someone when you know you should do it. Here are some common excuses:

"I'll do something special for that person to make up for my offense."

You cannot say, "I know I talked ugly to my mother, so I'll help with the dishes tonight to make up for it." This will not clear up your offense. If you talked ugly to your mother, you need to go to your mother and ask her to forgive you. Then, if you want to do something special for her, that is fine.

"I'll apologize later."

Putting things off is a bad idea. Jesus said that we should go quickly to those we have wronged and ask for forgiveness.

"I was wrong but the other person was wrong too."

That may be true, but you are still responsible for what you did that was wrong. The other person may have been more in the wrong than you were, but you are still responsible for your part. When you apologize for your part, perhaps the other person will apologize for his part. Even if he does not, you have done what was right for you to do.

To be happy you need to have a clear conscience

To be a happy Christian, you must have a clear conscience. You must know in your heart that you are right with God and right with other people. The Apostle Paul said, "This is the reason I do my best to always have a clear conscience toward God and toward people." (Acts 24:16)

In this verse Paul said that he always tried to have a clear conscience toward God and toward other people. We should do this also.

If your conscience tells you that you are wrong, listen to your conscience! Make things right with God by confessing your sins to Him. Make things right with other people by apologizing and asking for forgiveness. No one should be able to say to you, "You did me wrong and you never apologized or tried to make things right with me."

This picture illustrates the steps to a clear conscience:

Click on the Questions link below to do the questions.

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how to make things right with other people

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Listen to Your Conscience - Lesson 6 in "Think Right" series

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under a special agreement with Have you noticed that you get an uneasy feeling down inside of you when you say or do something wrong? This is your conscience. Your conscience is like a little voice inside of you that tells you when you are right and when you are wrong.

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dignity
endowed
conscience
brotherhood

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We are all born free. We all have our own thoughts and ideas. We should all be treated the same way.

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