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How do I use the “accepting no” life value term?

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How do I use the “accepting no” life value term?

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In TBRI, this is considered a last resort – i.e., not one that you would teach and practice, but use when you can’t give a choice or compromise.

The idea is that you deliver the no, then quickly follow that up by praising them for how well they accepted no. For example, “We can’t do that today – and I really appreciate the way you accepted no. I’m so proud of you!”

If there are regular things they struggle with, try to create as many “yes” opportunities as possible. E.g., if they’re taking certain foods without asking, surprise them by bringing out the food at different times during the day. Over time, they won’t need that food as often because they’re starting to trust that their needs will be met.

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How do I address children blaming others and not taking responsibility?

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How do I address children blaming others and not taking responsibility?

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You might ask what they’re afraid might happen if they take responsibility then make changes or provide assurance to help them feel that they don’t need to be afraid.

If they don’t believe the things they are saying to avoid responsibility, talk about that with them afterwards and plan what they might need to feel safe.

Explore what the underlying belief is behind the blame (e.g., “you always pick on me” or “it’s unfair”) and make changes or challenge the belief as appropriate.

If you can’t find examples of them taking responsibility to praise, create them and then praise them up bigtime!!

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How do I respond when a child makes up stories of things that have happened? (Lying)

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How do I respond when a child makes up stories of things that have happened? (Lying)

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Lying can be a survival response that children use to avoid being rejected, hurt, or getting into trouble.

Lying happens in normal development, and because of things that happened in their early life, they may not have had the opportunity or mentoring to grow past that stage.

Instead of asking a question and expecting an answer straight away, you might couch the question in something like, “I know that sometimes you don’t tell me the truth, so I want you to think about the answer for a little bit before answering…” then ask the question.

You might start to uncover the reason for lying by asking, “what are you afraid might happen if you tell me the truth about…?” Then if you can genuinely do this, reassure them that whatever they’re afraid of won’t happen.

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TBRI EMPOWERING PRINCIPLES

Physiological Strategies

Drink lots of water (provide a bottle)

Food available as needed and meals/snacks every 2 hours

Calming techniques

Sleep routine and naps

Physical/sensory activity every 2 hours

Environmental Strategies

Transition preparation (time warnings, etc.)

Routines, schedules

Rituals (bedtime, etc.)

Physical reminders of family and safety

Regulation checks (e.g., “engine plate”)

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Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development (KP ICD)

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Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development (KPICD) website

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Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development (KPICD) website

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Learn about TBRI from the source. The website includes information and links to additional resources about TBRI. You can also find out about the TBRI Practitioner training program, which is required if you want to train others in TBRI.

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LEARNING TO CHANGE THE WORLD...FOR CHILDREN

The Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development strives to help children suffering from the effects of early trauma, abuse and/or neglect. We conduct research to deepen understanding about the complex needs of these children and how to help them overcome social, behavioral, and emotional challenges. Through various outreach initiatives, we train professionals in Trust-Based Relational Intervention ®, a research-based, holistic model developed by Dr. Karyn Purvis and Dr. David Cross. Please understand that we are not a service provider, and do not provide clinical services of any kind.

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Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development

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The Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development strives to help children suffering from the effects of early trauma, abuse and/or neglect. We conduct research to deepen understanding about the complex needs of these children and how to help them overcome social, behavioral, and emotional challenges.

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"TBRI is an attachment-based, trauma-informed intervention designed to meet the complex needs of vulnerable children. TBRI uses empowering principles to address physical needs, connecting principles for attachment needs, and correcting principles to disarm fear-based behaviors. While the intervention is based on years of attachment, sensory processing, and neuroscience research, the heartbeat of TBRI is connection." (Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development website.)

TBRI MANTRA

STAY CALM no matter what.

SEE THE NEED behind the behaviour.

MEET THE NEED, find a way.

DON'T QUIT! If not you, then who?

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Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development (KP ICD)

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Children from hard places often miss the essential experiences that allow their bodies to develop properly and cope with normal sensory input.

As a result, they may become overly sensitive to some experiences (e.g., they might react to the slightest discomfort caused by a sound, smell, taste, tactile sensation or visual cue such as light),

They may not be able to process some senses at all (e.g., a child may not experience pain when they injure themselves),

Or they may be somewhere in between.

It's important to note that we're not just talking about the five outward senses of touch, taste, smell, sight and hearing.

There are internal senses that are affected, including:

Proprioception - the sense of pressure in our muscles,

Vestibular - the sense of balance and where we are in space, and

Interoception - the sense of what's going on within our body.

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Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development

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Occupational Therapist and TBRI Practitioner, Marti Smith, developed a tool that helps caregivers identify practical strategies for supporting sensory needs in the children and young people. You'll be prompted to answer a series of questions, and the system will produce a report with practical strategies for intervention.

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Behaviour Diary for Identifying Triggers and Sensory Preferences

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Behaviour Diary for Identifying Triggers and Sensory Preferences

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Listen to free episodes discussing TBRI and how it is used in different settings.

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The TBRI Podcast * A podcast on Spotify for Podcasters

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The TBRI® Podcast features conversations about Trust-Based Relational Intervention®, an attachment-based, trauma-informed intervention designed to meet the complex needs of vulnerable children. On this podcast we talk about the elements of trauma-informed care and chat with experts in the field about implementing TBRI® across different communities of care and practice.

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TBRI CONNECTING PRINCIPLES

Mindfulness Strategies

Caregiver self-care

Caregiver awareness of their own history

Model self-regulation and provide co-regulation

Engagement Strategies

Warm eye contact

Appropriate touch

Playful voice and authoritative voice

Child-led play

Behaviour matching

Do not force engagement or use these strategies to meet your own needs (i.e., offering a hug because it's what you would want if you were the child)—offer these strategies to meet the needs of the child or young person.

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Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development (KP ICD)

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Trauma-informed Caregiving for Children from Hard Places

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Trauma-informed Caregiving for Children from Hard Places

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This handout provides an overview of the causes and impacts of developmental trauma, and summarises the principles of TBRI.

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This TED talk was delivered by 7-year-old Molly Wright in 2021 and provides a child's perspective on the importance of being attuned and engaged with the children in your care.

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“What if I was to tell you that a game of peek-a-boo could change the world?” asks seven-year-old Molly Wright, one of the youngest-ever TED speakers. Breaking down the research-backed ways parents and caregivers can support children’s healthy brain development, Wright highlights the benefits of play on lifelong learning, behavior and well-being, sharing effective strategies to help all kids thrive by the age of five. She’s joined onstage by one-year-old Ari and his dad, Amarjot, who help illustrate her big ideas about brain science. (This TED Talk was produced in collaboration with Minderoo Foundation as an educational tool for parents and caregivers around the world and is supported by UNICEF.)

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Watch interviews with members of the KPICD staff about how they have seen and used TBRI in different settings.

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Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development

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In collaboration with Raise the Future, The KPICD Team created short video conversations on TBRI-related topics. These conversations employ the expertise and experience of KPICD and Raise the Future team members to highlight and discuss TBRI in action.

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This video introduces the idea of attachment and how trauma can impact the way children connect to caregivers and others in their lives.

Attachment is much more than meeting physical needs (e.g., food, shelter, clothing, etc.) but also includes the way we meet the child's emotional needs.

In fact, helping any child, not just those from hard places, to recognise, feel and cope with difficult emotions is one of the most important things we can do to help them to thrive in life.

Often the way we were parented lays the foundation for how we connect with others, and in our work as carers we should be striving to develop a "secure" attachment style.

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Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development

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This video introduces how trauma can impact the brain and development of children from hard places.

We use the expression "from hard places" because a child doesn't have to be exposed to abuse or neglect for them to experience these effects.

A stressful pregnancy, difficult birth or early hospitalisation can be enough to cause developmental challenges for the child or young person you care for.

When a child has come from "hard places," they can be developmentally less than half their chronological age, meaning a 14-year-old may behave more like a 7-year-old and need the kind of nurturing care that you would give a child of that age.

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Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development (KP ICD)

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Children from Hard Places and the Brain Preview

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Use this to help explain the different stress responses. The Green zone is where we are safe and calm and able to learn and play. The Red zone is when we're mobilised to do things, or to fight or run away when we're in danger. The Blue zone is when we're immobilised to get away and recover, or to disappear or appease when we're in danger.

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The Institute has posted a bunch of helpful free videos and previews that you can access here.

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Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development

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Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development

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The Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development is a program of the Department of Psychology in the TCU College of Science & Engineering in Fort Worth, Texas. Our mission is research, education, training, and outreach that improves the lives of children who have experienced abuse, neglect, and/or tr…

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TBRI CORRECTING PRINCIPLES

Proactive Strategies

Give “yesses” through choices and compromises

Offer and invite “re-do’s”

Develop a list of “life value terms” and praise the child when they succeed

Responsive Strategies

IDEAL Response - Immediate, Direct, Efficient, Action-based, and Levelled at Behaviour (not the child)

Levels of Response

Level 1 – Playful

Level 2 – Choices

Level 3 – Calming

Level 4 – Protective

You’re their coach, not their warden.

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Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development

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Learn more about the four attachment styles and take a quiz to discover your primary attachment style.

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If you're new to attachment theory, you may not realize that many of our early attachment patterns can shape our expectations and interactions for all our relationships .

You see, our attachment style is the "original blueprint" for how we perceive, connect with and relate to others and the world around us.

Of course, no one had a perfect childhood. And too many people worry that they'll never be able to change or overcome the emotional wounds that still cause challenges in our day-to-day interactions and intimate relationships.

And while you might not have much of a say over which attachment style you first developed, when you better understand the source of your attachment style, it becomes easier to recognize, or even predict, what your response is likely to be in certain circumstances.

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Attachment Styles Quiz | Attachment Test

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Take Dr. Diane Poole Heller's free attachment quiz to find your attachment style, so you can begin to recognize patterns and behaviors that affect ANY adult relationship.

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This video introduces the three principles of TBRI: Connecting, Empowering and Correcting, and the strategies that relate to each one.

The Connecting principles includes mindfulness and engagement strategies to help you build a secure attachment relationship with the child.

The Empowering principles includes physiological and ecological strategies to help the child feel safe and cope with overwhelming feelings.

The Correcting principles includes proactive and responsive strategies for teaching appropriate behaviour and responding to escalations.

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Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development

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KPICD Digital Store - Full-length Videos

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KPICD Digital Store - Full-length Videos

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Here you can purchase a range of full-length videos that demonstrate TBRI principles and strategies in action.

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karyn purvis institute of child development

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Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development

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A Sensory World offers insights about how sensory processing disorders make it difficult for many children to function at home and school. Parents and professionals will learn to recognize signs of sensory disorders and will learn practical strategies for coping with them. Child Development resea... More

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Here's a poster listing the key TBRI behavioural scripts and suggested "life value terms." Remember to teach these by role-playing doing it the wrong way, then re-doing it the right way. When you see your child or young person doing any of the positive behaviours in the life value terms, congratulate them. For example, "that was great using respect!" or "nice using your words!"

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This is an excerpt from a lecture that outlines the three TBRI principles: empowering, connecting and correcting.

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Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development

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Empowering, Connecting and Correcting Preview

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Here are some examples of physical self-regulation strategies. You can teach these when your child or young person is calm, then deliberately dysregulate them with a fun or energetic activity, then practice the strategy to calm down. You can then use these strategies to respond to a level 3 (calming) escalation by modelling the technique within proximity of the child or young person.

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ETC is a faith-based spinoff of TBRI developed by Karyn Purvis. The channel includes some practical videos and podcasts outlining TBRI principles in action.

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Empowered to Connect (ETC) is an attachment rich community focused program that exists to support, resource, and educate caregivers. ETC's resources and trainings are especially helpful for caregivers of children who have experienced adverse childhood experiences (ACEs), toxic stress, and maltreatment.

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Attachment does not always come easily or naturally when raising children. When you are parenting a child with a history of trauma, abuse, or neglect, those experiences can further challenge the attachment process between you. How can you strengthen the attachment with your child and build a more cohesive family dynamic?

We went back to the archives for this one, to a 2015 CreatingaFamily.org webinar with Dr. Dan Seigel for adoptive parents, called Importance of Parental Attachment Styles in Adoption. Much of this same information on attachment can be found in his book, Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive (10th Anniversary Edition).*

8 Ways to Strengthen Attachment with Your Child

1. Creating attachment with our children begins with the understanding of how our childhood attachments impact our current life.

Our interactions with our children shape the way their brains develop. To maximize opportunities for our children to build healthy attachment, we should seek to understand our own history of attachment and what areas we might need to seek healing. For example, a parent's unresolved grief or trauma can create fear, disorganized attachment, and negative interactions in a child's attachment style, according to Dr. Seigel.

Many parents benefit from talking with a counselor or therapist to discover those tender points. We recommend these two CreatingaFamily.org resources to get you started with the exploration:

2. Let go of your expectations for how your child should be and accept the child you have.

Our experiences shape our expectations. When we thoughtfully examine and identify our expectations, we can adjust or even let go of those that are not realistic for the child we are parenting. When we willingly approach the child we have in front of us with complete, nurturing acceptance, we optimize his ability to grow and develop into the best person he can be.

3. Give your children the language of emotions by actively discussing how they, you, and others feel.

Building emotional intelligence does not have to be an overwhelming task. Through everyday activities together, you can start teaching your child to identify and label his emotions quite early.

Look for life events and experiences that you can narrate and discuss as your child grows. For example, when you read board books to your baby, stop and comment on what the main character is feeling. As your child grows, continue the habit of pausing together during reading time or movie nights to reflect together on how the characters might be feeling.

4. Take the long view in parenting by focusing on what motivates the child's behavior, rather than doing whatever works at the moment to stop the behavior.

Kids can have some annoying behaviors, it's true. However, most of the time, our kids' behaviors serve a purpose - especially when they are young and still learning language skills. Try flipping your perspective to consider that behavior is an expression of a need or of lagging skills. With that shift in framing, you can act to satisfy your child's need or offer a tool he doesn't yet have under his belt.

For example, it's admittedly annoying to sit at the breakfast table trying to drink your coffee in peace while being accosted by a gazillion questions, right? Now, try to flip that annoyance at your chatterbox's non-stop talking to a curiosity about why she's talking at you a million miles a minute. Can you see that she is trying to reconnect with you after being apart all night long? If so, you can tackle the challenge differently. Take a bracing sip of coffee and ask a few questions about that dream she had. Share your crazy dream. Ask what she thinks will be the best part of the day ahead. You can forge a connection that resets her sense of felt safety - reassuring her of her place in your heart and mind.

Not all of our kids' behaviors are so easy to discern. But the tool of curiosity will be your best friend if you choose to take the long view of parenting your child's needs vs. behaviors.
Resources for Finding an Adoption/Foster Competent Therapist
5. Create a culture of compassion in your family by acknowledging, discussing, and honoring differences.

Many adopted, foster, or kinship kids feel different from the families they live in for many valid reasons. How you handle those differences can make a world of difference for how your child feels in your family. His sense of safety and attachment will deepen when his differences are accepted and celebrated. Your curiosity (again) and openness toward those unique things about your child also build his self-confidence.

Further, seek to honor the differences between your child's temperament or abilities and the outside world's expectations. Your choice to do so offers him compassion for the challenges of gaps between his skills and, for example, academic expectations. You are making your relationship and your home a safe place for him to struggle and learn how to manage those differences.

6. Discuss a shared experience with your child and what you each remember. The point is the shared telling of the story, focusing on the emotions rather than the accuracy.

Sharing emotional experiences builds connection. Think about how you feel after watching an inspirational, uplifting movie with your family. When you talk about the emotions you experience and even compare or contrast these feelings together, you build a connection. The act of sharing stories brings common emotions to the surface, normalizing that humans experience a wide range of feelings in one event.

7. Create a family book with all members of the family. Include a chapter for each member to create a story in images and words about themselves. Also include chapters on family vacations, celebrations, traditions, etc.

Every family will have its spin on its family book, but the crucial ingredient should be including everyone's contributions. Whatever format your family chooses, each person should share their experiences and memories without expectations for how or what is shared. Then, when the book is complete, take a night to go through the book and talk about it. Indulge the trip down Memory Lane that some chapters spark. And spend time unpacking the challenges or painful moments that other contributions highlight. Each member of your family will have unique responses to each other's additions to the book, and trust will deepen when you accept the hard with the good.

8. Hold regular family meetings and allow family members to share what they think and feel about upcoming events, recent happenings, the family schedule, or whatever else is paramount to you.

One of the benefits of a weekly meeting is that you create a habit of consistent communication with each other. No one feels left out of the loop, and it's a tangible way to say that everyone belongs. Regular meetings can deepen attachment by giving an official place for everyone to be seen and heard. Make them fun and engaging to maximize participation and help everyone feel attached to the purpose.

Practically speaking, it's also an effective tool for teaching your kids how to manage time and responsibilities collaboratively, which fosters teamwork in the family unit. The cohesiveness of that teamwork gives our kids confidence and security.

Build the attachment one step at a time!

It's easy to feel overwhelmed by these eight tips - especially if you started reading this with the feeling that attachment is waning or missing altogether. Like we've said in other articles like this, pick one tip to start. Try to pick one that you think will be "easy" or most accessible to you (and your partner if you have one). Work that tip until you have it "down pat," and then use the sense of accomplishment to boost you to try another one.

Finally, remember that none of these parenting tips are "once and done" tips. So, feel free to keep trying new ways to implement them in ways that work best as your children grow and change. Again, parenting needs the long view.
Have you tried any of these 8 tips? Which are easy for you? Harder? Tell us about it in the comments!
*As an Amazon Associate we earn from qualifying purchases, but we only recommend books that we value. Thanks for your support.

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8 Ways to Strengthen Attachment with Your Child

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Tips to strengthen attachment with your child and build a more cohesive family dynamic when parenting a child who has experienced trauma.

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In most of the videos on this website, you'll see examples of adults using TBRI principles and strategies to interact with younger children. TBRI is also very effective for working with teens who have come from hard places.

Remember, early traumatic experiences can interrupt healthy development, so a 16-year-old may behave more like an 8-year-old and have the developmental needs of a child that age.

Of course, we don't patronise teens and treat them like babies, but we find age-appropriate ways to respond to their needs in connecting, empowering and correcting ways.

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Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development

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Regulation Strategies for Older Children and Caregivers

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Regulation Strategies for Older Children and Caregivers

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The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis, David Cross and Wendy Lyons-Sunshine (the original book outlining the theory and strategies behind TBRI)

The Connected Parent by Karyn Purvis and Lisa Qualls (a revision released in 2020 that speaks more about the role of the parent/caregiver and working with teens)

The Connected Therapist by Marti Smith (this is a great resource for children and young people with sensory challenges)

What Happened to You by Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey (this is a great resource for learning about the prevalence and effects of trauma in society)

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Responding to aggressive and Violent Behaviour

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Responding to aggressive and Violent Behaviour

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Responding to Aggressive and Violent Behavior

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Many children and young people who have experienced trauma don't have words for how they're feeling. Charts like this can help to give them words. Start by naming your own feelings and help them understand what they might be feeling when you observe changes in their behaviour. For example, "you seem upset - do you think you might be sad about... [describe what happened]."

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This playlist includes 14 short videos containing insights and gifts from Dr Karyn Purvis to caregivers of children and young people from hard places.

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Share your videos with friends, family, and the world

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In this video, Dr Purvis describes strategies for effectively dealing with lying. Note that this is from the faith-based video channel and includes references to God and scripture, but the principles are universal.

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Article: TBRI - A Systematic Approach to Complex Developmental Trauma

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Article: TBRI - A Systematic Approach to Complex Developmental Trauma

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Play is the language of childhood!

Through play we learn how to socialise, negotiate with others and set proper boundaries.

Play is essential to healthy development and helps us see others and the world around us as safe and nurturing.

Sadly, many children from hard places did not have regular safe opportunities to play with others and instead were fearful of harm from people who should have protected them.

One of the most effective and reliable ways to help a child feel safe and trusting towards us is to play with them, and the best kind of play is where they are in charge!

This also takes the pressure off us to come up with something to do.

Let their imagination run wild, and let your inner child get lost in the moment, even if it's only for a few magical minutes each day.

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Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development

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This provides a high-level overview of TBRI principles and strategies. It runs for around 38 minutes.

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Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development

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TBRI® An Overview: Putting the Pieces Together

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Tapping for Kids - An Amazing Calming Technique

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Tapping for Kids - An Amazing Calming Technique

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Tapping can be amazing for helping to reduce stress (for us and for the children and young people we work with), including the stress associated with traumatic memories. This video is a great starting point to teach tapping.

Also check out Lionel's cheesy video for teaching tapping to younger children... https://youtu.be/yfyTEakoLqg

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Tapping for Kids with Alison - What is Tapping?

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If you're interested in TBRI in court systems...

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If you're interested in TBRI in court systems...

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This inspiring documentary, All Rise for the Good of the Children, was produced by the KPICD and describes how a drug and alcohol court system in Texas embedded TBRI into the way they engage with parents.

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To watch ALL RISE, simply enter your e-mail address. To view the film in full-screen, click the icon in the bottom right corner.

We would love for you to spread the word about ALL RISE so that more courts across the country can adopt trauma-informed practices. Join the conversation on social media and use the hashtag #allriseforchildren in your posts.

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To watch ALL RISE, simply enter your e-mail address. To view the film in full-screen, click the icon in the bottom right corner. We would love for you to spread the word about ALL RISE so that more courts across the country can adopt trauma-informed practices.

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Although the Department prohibits the use of "restrictive practice" as a punitive form of punishment or control, it may be appropriate to hold a child or young person in order to protect themselves and others from harm. If you have a child or young person who reaches level 4 escalation regularly, negotiate with them what would be helpful during those times to keep them safe, and practice those strategies when they are calm and regulated. Keep the care team informed of any interventions that are being proposed.

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Did you know that your skin is the largest organ in your body?

It makes sense, then, that touch is one of the most important senses that our bodies develop.

When children are not picked up, cuddled, or played with, or when they are physically or sexually harmed by others, touch can become a source of fear and pain.

That fear can last a lifetime without careful, sensitive and appropriate intervention.

This video introduces some simple strategies for introducing safe touch into your relationship with children so that they can learn to set proper boundaries and feel nurtured through touch.

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Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development

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Use this to plan ways to use the connecting, empowering, and correcting principles to support the needs of your child or young person.

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For calming:

Jettproof Sensory Clothing

Balance board (have them pretend they're surfing)

Wooden balance board (great for cradling small children)

Pool noodles (great for safely letting out the energy from big feelings)

For sleep:

Sam the Lamb Sleep Trainer light

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ACF: Unpacking and Responding to Behaviour

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ACF: Unpacking and Responding to Behaviour

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This is a resource developed by the Australian Childhood Foundation to support caregivers to understand and respond to the needs behind trauma-based behaviours.