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Why can’t I be humble?

I struggle to let my defenses down despite fully comprehending my wrongdoings. I even have trouble apologizing.

I honestly hate who I am. I really want to change, but I’ve been like this for years until I came to this realization

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I have so much going through my mind, I don’t know where to start.

Anyone who finds this and is willing to listen, contact me @jahrjduska on instagram. I don’t want to impose “unsolicited” burden on my friends.

1. Why do I get so tense when I talk to someone. My voice get shaky, my legs shake, I shiver even when the room isn’t cold. I think of myself as an outgoing person. I get along with people pretty well; I like to converse with people who I’m not too familiar with.

So why? Why do feel like I’m under pressure?

Story: I was in the cafeteria with a close friend of mine, reviewing previous topics for her upcoming final. When we started to talk about our hobbies, our lives, our relationships, I started to feel tense. I felt so pathetic for feeling that way.

Ill just close it off for today

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Today, I felt really good about myself because I lost weight. I was hungry this morning since I had skipped dinner last night, but it was worth it. I want to restrict my calorie intake, so I’ll try convincing myself that I’m not hungry. This approach has worked several times before, so I guess I’ll need to push through this.

I don’t want to develop an eating disorder, but I want to be mindful of what’s going into my body.

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Holy moly, it’s been a while since I’ve logged on. I think I’ve gotten better but sometimes I relapse into thinking that I’m just better off dying. I feel so useless and worthless. I’m finding hobbies like coding to counteract these thoughts, but I expect way too much from myself.

I just want to isolate myself, but I also want to talk to someone about this. But then, would I be a burden? Should I just laugh everything off? I don’t know

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I think I’ve bottled up my emotions to the point i get so offended at every goddamn thing. I’m just so fucking mad at everyone. Like even one humorous comment (or implication of something “insulting”) makes me want to fucking lash out and just kms. I obviously don’t have the courage to call it out bc then i would be called sensitive.

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Oh my god i hate it

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It’s kind of weird that I’m here complaining about shit while kids in third world countries are actually suffering. But ugh

I find solace in writing these entries. It somehow makes me feel better to know that there’s a platform where I can conveniently dump all of my feelings into it. It makes me feel like I’m not alone even though there’s no one here who looks at these. I guess that’s the essence. You’re alone but you don’t feel lonely??

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EDIT: 11/17/25** I remember back in my sophomore year when I wanted to kill myself. I’ve had everything: a loving family, great friends, and a cozy shelter. However, I felt empty— like I felt like I had no purpose. If I had died, what would I have been known for? But you know what? I’m glad that I was patient with myself.  

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Today, I hung out with a friend of mine at the mall. As we quietly browsed the stores, she spoke how she felt at peace with me. She mentioned how she felt awkward around other friends when silence fell between them.

Another friend told me I was a lifesaver. Since the beginning of the second semester, I’ve been recording lessons for her and helping her clear up misunderstandings.

My boyfriend loves me for always being by his side and for being there to listen to his problems.

When you mean so much to someone, would it be selfish to die? I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to live, but I don’t want to give them to grief over the loss.

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I’m starting to lose passion for everything. I keep messing up every goddamn time

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Lately, I've been questioning myself for who I really am. I hate the fact that it's the only question that preoccupies my mind.

But you know, I've come to the general conclusion that my life has amounted to nothing. The Earth would still tilt on its rotational axis by 23.5 degrees relative to its orbital plane around the Sun. So it wouldn't have mattered if I died, right?

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I feel useless

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I’ll never look at my life the same way again

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I feel like my pressure is a bother to everyone. I feel like I demand too much from people. I feel inadequate.

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Sooner or later, I might end it

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9:58AM, I finished writing my suicide letter. My eyes were watery, and my face was red — I had been crying. But nobody asked me if I was okay.

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I had a weird dream last night.

I was in a dark alleyway with an unfamiliar man. I didn't think much of it until he emerged from the shadows that veiled his obscurity. When I saw his face, I instantly recalled THAT time. Before I could say anything, he wrapped his fingers around my wrist and thrusted my body to the floor.

He said, "Would you live for me?"

After the encounter, my alarm went off. My heart was still beating

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If I die, I hope I could at least make one contribution to science. I can’t just depart from this world without leaving a legacy.

But I’m scared that the effort and dedication I put into accomplishing this goal would only impart a temporary feeling of satisfaction and then ultimately render the rest of my life meaningless.

I say this because I acknowledge the testimonies of notable figures who devoted themselves towards that one goal but have felt nothing afterwards. They say maternal wealth degrades to futility, and you know what, I would like to be in that position to say nonsense like this

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I don't think there's anything that can compensate for my inadequacy.

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I wish one’s worth is determined by merit rather than their image. Has it gotten so bad to the point that one would rather jeopardize their future in order to preserve their youth?

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Why does it actually hurt this time? I could’ve sworn the last time I did it, I was able to cut deeper without a problem