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The lesson I learned is that we need to spend every minute we can with the people we love, we don’t know when it will all end and how. We tend to disregard others and feel that they are more irritating or more frustrating but at the end of the day, we need to treasure every moment even if it’s as small as an argument you lost or as big as the day they leave.

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Incident 1: My dad told me my grandma had cancer.

Response: I got very upset and started feeling very hurt since she did not tell me.

Incident 2: I started thinking about her passing away.

Response: I had a panic attack and I started worrying since I don't know what I would have done without her.

Incident 3: My grandma was in her room and I had to talk to her.

Response: I pulled myself together and pretended I didn't know what was wrong

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At first, I dove right into my story, I did not give any context, and I did not explain the importance of my grandma to the read, so I changed the beginning because of the feedback Mrs. Terhune gave me starting off my story with this.."It has always been, Grandma and I against everybody. She was always there to support me and care for me, from the literal second I was born. She was my support system and she was my confidence. No words can describe how grateful I am for her. It was perfect until one day when everything changed for the worse…"

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My first lead started with a hook:

Have you ever faced a fear? If you have, how did it feel to overcome it? The time I faced a fear was when I was going to go surf V-land with my dad. We put the boards in the car and were on our way to V-land.

My lead made more detailed :

I paddled back out there and my dad was cheering “Yay that was a good one, good job!”. I was smiling so much that my face hurt but I did not stop smiling. The next wave came and I and I started to paddle for it and I fell and ate it. My board flew up and my dad saw it and cringed . I was underwater and I was getting tossed around.I was under the water for 5 seconds and that’s a lot for being tossed around underwater because you are struggling to get up to take a breath and using up all your energy and air. When I get up I take a big breath and I get my board and paddle out still catching my breath. My dad saw me and started laughing because that's what he does when I fall. But I was ok with it.

How do i feel about my new lead:

I feel more confident in my lead and I think that it will get the readers attention.

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Original Sentence: I was in a cold sweat and my breath was fast, I realized it was only midnight. But I felt like I had been asleep for a month and only 4 hours had passed. The next morning I was very moody and upset and maybe a little bit anxious. Then all the emotions I was feeling inside made my day horrible. I felt so tired and sick and my head hurt. Looped Sentence: I woke up in the dead of night, drenched in a cold sweat, my breath coming in fast, shallow gasps. It felt as though I had been lost in a deep slumber for an eternity, yet only four hours had slipped by. The next morning, I found myself engulfed in a storm of emotions—moody, upset, and tinged with a hint of anxiety. These feelings cast a dark shadow over my day, leaving me feeling drained, unwell, and with a throbbing headache. Reflection: My looping added more drama and imagery to the text and it makes it more meaningful because it describes really how I was feeling mostly at that moment. I feel like maybe in the beginning my story could use more looping.

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Old:

But then when I started to tell my momma how bad I wanted it she was slowly thinking about letting me get this certain blanket. I started to tell her that I would do extra chores or anything at all and finally, she let me get it.

New: I started explaining to my momma how badly I wanted this and even told her I would do extra chores to pay it off. I was honestly just standing there feeling like she was going to say no. But when I saw her face change to a happy face it felt like everything around me had stopped and the adrenaline was kicking. She let me get it and I was the happiest person in the Goodwill.

Old Reflection: This blanket is like my everything. Since this blanket has gotten me through a lot of tough times it also helped me realize a lot about life which has made me a better person today. I am so happy that I got this blanket.

New Reflection: This blanket means a lot to me. It makes me feel warm and sometimes when I wake up in the middle of the night I get super happy cause I know that I have my blanket. I feel that my blanket is like magic, it makes me feel so happy even just touching. My blanket fills me with adrenaline, and during the day when I am tired of life, I think of going into my bed and just snuggling with my blanket.

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I have 3 incidents.

1/ i found out i was moving to Hawaii.

2/ I was missing North Carolina.

3/ i started to like Hawaii.

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I tried to fit in more incidents because I started with 1 but I bumped it up to 4 by finding emotions that I could turn into incidents Example that I added : But there was another feeling that was overtaking the fear. It was excitement.

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Old: He looked at us with a disappointed look “ why do we think our passes are bad right now?” he asked, we all looked at him and didn't answer.

Looping: After that, our coach shouted, “You guys are the middle court, you should be passing better than the first court right now, but even they are passing better than you.” I felt like a billion needles pierced my whole body, and it felt like I should have stopped playing volleyball right then and there. But I didn't want to give up because I knew volleyball was my sport. So we passed and passed until my arm gave out, but the good thing was our passing was so much better than before. I was so glad I didn't just give up.

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original lead: It was about 6:25pm, I was waiting for my best friend Naia to get to volleyball practice. I was starting to get worried because practice started in 5 minutes. It was 6:27, no sign of naia. Then the clock turned 6:29 and she came running through the door, I ran to her and we hugged.

New: We were in the gym, waiting for practice to start. It was 6:30, so we had some time before practice began. Taze and I went to set up the net. Then, the head coach called us into a little circle. We ran 2 laps, did some dynamic warm-up exercises, and then got into our courts.

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Old: I learned that faking till you make it isn't always the best but you need to be confident and look confident even if you're not because no matter what confidence is key.

New: Volleyball taught me the value of teamwork and selflessness. It shaped me into a more considerate and team-oriented individual. I gained a deep understanding of every team member's contribution and the collective effort required for success. Always remember to have fun, give your best effort, and be a team player because in a team, everyone's contribution matters. There's no “I” in team and I am so glad that I learned and experienced this for myself!

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I was not doing very well I was struggling every day but then when my parents told me if you don't get my grades up I would go to a new school and I needed to work harder the teachers started helping me a lot and they put in a lot of effort to get me to pass 6th grade well guess what I did but at the end, my parents did not feel happy with my grades so I had not choice to go to a new school.

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I have 2 incidents:

1: fear of messing up in front of lots of people watching me and little kids watching me.

2: my stomach was really bad because of how much I was thinking and worrying about it.

My response to number #1 was just thinking that even if I do mess up it's a practice and that's why we are doing it and also think that everyone messes up and no one is perfect.

My response to number #2 was also just taking deep breaths and knowing that I was not sick it was just in my head and making me very worried.

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First sentence: feeling sick to my stomach with the gut of nervousness I start to freak out as its my turn to go up on that stage and dance.

Revised: UGH, that sharp pain hitting my stomach makes it too hard to just focus on what is happening. I walk off to the said and say a prayer hoping god can be with me to help me through this. I take a big deep breath in and then out. I walk up there and I give it my all.

Reflection: I think I did much better on my revised version because it has a lot of feeling, making it feel real and lots of emotions and more of the real-life not just boring.

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Original: He loved me the most out of all his grandchildren, because I'm the oldest one and was the only girl.

Looped: He loved me the most out of all his grandchildren, because I'm the oldest one and was the only girl. Since birth, I lived with my grandparents, that’s how my bond with my grandpa grew. When I was little I always helped him plant flowers and vegetables in our garden, he really enjoyed gardening. On rainy days we would spend hours playing with toys, and board games. Looking back at this now I realized how much impact he caused in my life.

How I felt about the looping: I improvised that part a lot, it sounds much more different and detailed. I love that it explains more about how different my life would be without him.

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Sentence: I was very mad at him for peeing on me but I was still happy that he was alive and so was he

Revised sentence: I was very thankful to be alive because I could have been squashed into a human pancake with ketchup and doggy mush on the side if that man hadn’t seen me. I also wasn’t fond of being yelled at even though it wasn’t my fault that my dog ran into the streets. At least he subtly apologized though. I also wasn’t very fond of being scolded by my parents for trying to save my dog’s life and then in return he decided to pee on my neck, this sounds very fitting for someone who almost risked his life to save his dog. I got to smell like dog pee, get scolded by my parents, sent inside never to ride my bike for the rest of the day, and take a shower. Does that seem fitting to you? Well, to be honest even though my parents would rather the dog die than me die (💀) I’m still happy that my dog survived.

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original: At the exact time I fell onto the ground. I felt scared because so many bad things could HAVE happened.

Looped sentence: BOOM! I fell onto the ground at full power hitting the ground hard. I sat there for a while trying to figure out if I wanted to ride again. I felt unfortunate because just falling made me nervous not knowing if I would ever ride again because of my fear. But only 10-15 minutes later. I GOT UP. I was riding very slowly for a while because I was in a lot of pain still. My inner thoughts were just sad and nervous. I was in a big area with another girl and she slapped my horse and I wasn't ready so I went flying off the side of the horse. It wasn't my worst fall because it was softer ground.

Reflection: Yes my original sentence then my Looped sentence added a lot more to it more actions and more interesting. No the moment doesn't feel meaningful because my story is about falling and in the beginning, I said BOOM!!!. I could and mostly will use looping more through the story just because I want it to be fun to read and not boring.

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original sentence: ''after a few days I was having pains on the left side of my chest and stomach area.''

looped sentence: ''after a few days of taking antibiotics I started having sharp pains on the left side of my chest and stomach area. it was so sore that I don't want to move and I cried in pain.''

I looped it so I can add more detail about how I actually felt.

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original, The journey to Hawaii was really long,

looped, The journey to Hawaii was really long, I sat in my seat for what felt like forever, my legs getting stiff and my neck hurting from looking out the window. Time seemed to crawl, just like the big ocean we were flying over. I was super excited but also worried. What if Hawaii wasn’t as amazing as I imagined? It felt like waiting for a surprise that might not happen. Outside, the sun was setting, painting the sky with bright oranges and pinks. It reminded me of a butterfly slowly coming out of its cocoon. I knew that something beautiful was waiting for me if I could just be patient a little longer.

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before looping:my whole family came to watch me

looping:  I felt like I let down my brother who came from Whashton State and my mom, dad, and even my sister who plays an older and harder level at volleyball tha

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In the end, we got 2 place in gold but I will always remember till this day what happened. I learned that never giving up can be great but if never giving up hurts then you have to keep trying even when it's like a pain that won't go away.

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incident 1# how the ball got shanked and my ankle problem

Response 2# telling me I have to sit out for the rest of the day

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before revising:there were chairs around the court

revised into: there were chairs with bodies filling them all up around one court where all eyes are on you

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After a week with my cast on, I asked my mom to take me down to the skate park. I believed that I could do anything. My mind was saying “I can do this, I can do this!”. I've broken my arm before and I am not afraid. Breaking my hard taught me to be brave and to take risks. In this incident it was the best outcome but it hasn’t stopped me.

Looking back to that summer two years ago, I have grown. Breaking my arm changed me. I find myself to be more cautious, but not less adventurous.

I think the ending does show how the incident effected me. I think it does tie back to the incident because it mentions the pain that I was in and the healing I had to go through. I do think my ending needs improvement on being more smooth.

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Incident: After climbing up the ladder and I was on top then I zipped down the ramp then someone came out of nowhere a kid went in front of me and I crashed on the cement ground.

Response: On my arm there was a bump on my arm.

This incident effects me because it is what my entire essay is based off of. It tell you the exact moment I broke my arm. The response tells how the arm appeared. I could add more detail about how much shock I was in and describe my pain.

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Original Sentence: I was feeling excited to skate.

Revised :I was feeling excited to skate. Heat began to radiate in my bottom making a waterfall of sweat pour from my armpits. It was my moment to be brave and show the older kids that I was worth being on the park too. The bottom of the ramp quickly seem to feel 1,000 miles down like a canyon.

Experience: I do think the loop added depth. Yes the moment does feel more vivid and meaningful. I feel like I could use looking during the 3rd incident in my story when I was in the hospital

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Original sentence:

After some time searching, my mom spotted the 4runner.

Looped sentence:

We were all looking outside, my dad looking forward, my mom looking to the right, and I was looking to the left. My little sister was looking outside because it was raining, she loves to look at the raindrops sliding down the window, and so do I. We were still trying to find the 4runner, and my mom spotted it. My heart was beating faster than I could ever imagine, filled with excitement, I'm getting a new pet.

Reflection:

Yes, the looping did add more depth, it is way more meaningful than my previous sentence. I could use looping when there's an important part in my narrative, that I didn't put much detail into, and use looping to add more detail.

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original: It was late at night as I was sitting in the car eager to get my first puppy but was too worried about being too late to even get them in the end.

L1: I was waiting nervously in the car very impatiently as I sat and talked to my friend who was next to me we talked about what we thought my new puppy was going to be like, as we sat there nervous hoping we would make it in time before the owners called it off for it being too late at night.

L2: We all raced to the car as my mom's friend who was driving, sped to get to our new puppies before it was too late for us. We all fidgeted in the car till we got there.

L3: As I sat in the car minutes away from getting my new puppy I thought about what tricks I was going to teach her as I sat there impatiently eager to get out of the car.

Reflection: I think that looping my sentences was good since it added depth and detail and my thoughts and feelings more than my original sentence, and it also made my story sound less like a draft and more like a story.

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Original sentence -  I started to feel really dizzy/sleepy

Looped sentence - I could feel my eyes start to shut and felt like I was Lightheaded or feeling faint.

Reflection - I felt like the looping helped me put a more dramatic feeling into the sentence and helped me think/add more details into the sentence.

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before sentence:

'The doors opened after they touched her as a safety mechanism, and my mom quickly reassured me that everything was okay, saying things like; “She’s okay.” and “Nana isn’t hurt.”.'

looped sentence:

'After the doors made contact with her, they opened as a safety mechanism, she walked out unscathed and my mom helped her out of the elevator so the door wouldn’t shut on her again. I was very fearful for my grandma's safety and was scared the doors hurt her. My heart was beating fast and my brain filled with a million different thoughts and outcomes of that situation. My mom reassured me that everything was okay and she wasn’t hurt by the elevator doors closing on her, saying things like; “She’s okay.” and “Nana isn’t hurt.”.'

I feel like looping did add more details that my story needed, it feels like it was slowed down and much better. I think my reflection or introduction could use looping.

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This experience changed me because it made me deathly scared of elevators. I hate them and refuse to use them if I can. I will take the stairs if I don’t trust it. It’s changed me because everytime I go in an elevator I’ve never used before it gives me really bad anxiety and I believe that’s where my general anxiety came from.

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Original Sentence: I slipped off the rock, and at that instant, I tried to grab the rock my foot was on, but it was too late, while I was falling I gasped and thought to myself “What gonna happen next”.

L1: I slipped off the rock, and at that instant, I tried to grab the same rock my foot was on but I couldn't, I felt scared and terrified of what was happening and thought to myself "Oh NO, what's gonna happen next".

L2: My foot slipped off on the rock I was standing on, so I tried to grab it but it was too late. While I was falling I curled up into a ball and thought to myself "Oh NO, what's gonna happen next" so I clinched my fists and was ready for impact.

L3: As my foot slipped off of the rock I was standing on, I looked down and started to panic, I tried to grab the same rock but I couldn't. As I was falling I felt the wind pushing against my back and I thought to myself "OH NO, What's going to happen next".

Reflection: I think looping my sentence added a lot more depth and detail as well as making it sound way better. Looping this sentence makes it sound like you are there at the moment and you can kinda picture what is happening by just the words. I think another place I can loop in my incidents, responses, and my hook/Lead. Looping really helps me make the story way more vivid and imaginable for someone just reading the story. It also makes my story sound better and less like a draft.

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Incident my dad told me my grandma got cancer 

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Incident my dad told me my grandma got cancer 

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I stormed up the stairs, I was mad I wanted everything to stop, my head was spinning I felt the world spin, I was about to fall but luckily my dad pulled me right back into reality with a loud shout “STOP STOMPING, YOU DON’T PAY FOR THE REPAIRS IN THIS HOUSE!”

I stopped my trek up the stairs and yelled back “FINE!” My dad knew exactly why I was mad he was the one who told me. My eyes burned I finally got up the stairs, the hallway looked longer the doors looked smaller, and I felt a tear run down my face, I approached the door it was small so small it felt like I couldn't fit through it, on the other side of the door was my best friend the one that was there when I was born the one that loved me the one I loved and I would have to say goodbye soon she was leaving and I would not accept it, I couldn’t who could it was overwhelming to think about the stress every day I would endure, it was a horrible thought, I hated everything around me. I hated everything, they expected me to be fine, they expected me to be okay, how could they expect all of this to be easy?

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i was woken up from my foam mattress, half-asleep, by my parents and to the sounds and noises of the faucets running water and bags being zipped open and shut. my parents dragged me out of the bed and told me to take a shower and brush my teeth so they can head to the airport. i then wondered if we were going on some sort of trip cause i didnt even hear about this

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Og sentience:

The next morning I thought about the night before. Had that really happened? Did I dream that? But I knew that it had happened.

L1: Thoughts/feelings.

It was a nice cool Wednesday morning. I woke up and looked around. I did not want to get up. My head belonged to the soft pillow. But then I remembered the round-offs I did the night before, and how they changed everything for me.

L2: Physical

I flung the sheets off of my bed and jumped onto the ground. I played music and did multiple stretches. I did all 3 splits, 80 crutches, leg lifts and wall handstands. I was ready for this.

L3: Imagery

I could feel a cool breeze blowing in through my window. My cat meowed at me, indicating he wanted to be fed. I rolled over and pet him. I looked around my room. The leotard that I had hung on my closet was there, as was my sports poster. That is when I remembered the night before, and the disco party that my head had had. I remembered the creaking of the uneven bars as they seemed to say help ussss. I remembered the mats thumping on the ground, making me jump. I remembered my coach telling me I could try a RB on Thursday. I remembered the dance party that I had had in my head. It was then when I got up out of bed and had an actual dance party. I vowed to myself that I would practice really hard so I would be able to do a RB on Thursday.

I felt that this part of the paragraph needed more. Before this it had been dull and boring and pretty short.

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Original Sentence: I was in a cold sweat and my breath was fast, I realized it was only midnight. But I felt like I had been asleep for a month and only 4 hours had passed. The next morning I was very moody and upset and maybe a little bit anxious. Then all the emotions I was feeling inside made my day horrible. I felt so tired and sick and my head hurt.

Looped Sentence: I woke up in the dead of night, drenched in a cold sweat, my breath coming in fast, shallow gasps. It felt as though I had been lost in a deep slumber for an eternity, yet only four hours had slipped by. The next morning, I found myself engulfed in a storm of emotions—moody, upset, and tinged with a hint of anxiety. These feelings cast a dark shadow over my day, leaving me feeling drained, unwell, and with a throbbing headache.

Reflection: My looping added more drama and imagery to the text and it makes it more meaningful because it describes really how I was feeling mostly at that moment. I feel like maybe in the beginning my story could use more looping.

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Original: Oh no, I really only practiced emcee number one. I pulled out the audition script from my pocket out of sheer fear that I would mess up my lines and started studying it.

Looped: I pulled out the audition script, my hands shaking. The crumpled half sheet of paper was my only hope. “Come on Selena,” I thought to myself “Why wouldn’t you have practiced this part, of course, I ended up having to speak for the one thing I didn’t practice!” I looked over at Ellie who had the same worried expression on her face as me, our teachers sat in their chairs waiting for Ellie to start speaking, they had serious looks on their faces.

Reflection: I do think that the looping did give it more depth because I was able to not only describe what I was feeling, but what I was thinking, and seeing. I think that because of the inner thoughts I added in, what I saw, and the show-not-telling of how I was feeling made the moment I learned that I had to read the part that I didn't study. I think that I can add looping to a few of my reactions, and to a few parts in my middle.

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Original sentence: There's a house on fire

L1 (Phsical):

I went over to my mom and dad's room because mom said you could see it very well from here, so I came to her room. I saw dad trying to wave me out into the street with his left hand and I asked myself if it's worth risking my life to save people I don't know except from celebrations and party's.

L2 (Emotions/thoughts):

I came with him to the fire and worry when I see dad carrying a person out of the house, I asked him very loudly in a worried voice, "Are you okay?!" I said this at around the same time when I realized the hug e gash and injury on his arm. He said, "Yeah, I'm fine", and was trying to hide the pain he feels, but is failing.

L3 (Imagery):

After he asked, "Could you help me carry these people out of the houses?" I hesitate and then say thinking about the people's lives "Yes I would love too." The fire looks like lava that's dripping out of a volcano that is about to explode or leak everywhere. I finally carry some people into EMC beds and then I see dad just standing out in the street. I yell at him and say, "Look out!!" He didn't move he just started at me like I was speaking a different language. He yelled back

"What?" I say, "There's a fire truck that's about to hit you, look out!!" I'm screaming at him at the top of my lungs.

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"We both swam to the shore in exhaustion"

L1 (Physical):

Struggling to keep my head above water from exhaustion I swung one arm after the other over my head and started grabbing the water with my strokes to pull myself to shore. Each stroke was extremely tiring, my arms felt like noodles.

L2(Emotions/thoughts): It was brutal getting there, my heart was thumping and racing but I was determined to make it to shore in these harsh conditions.

L3 (expand scenery/imagery): Ahead of me all I could see was the white sand and dozens of people minding their own business with no idea what I had just been through.

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original: When we were in line for the zipper, I was scared.

revised: As the ride slowed down to a stop, I got scared. People walked out of their cage and new people got in. I was taking silent deep breaths. Now it was our turn to get in the cage. The rides, the people talking suddenly got quiet as I walked toward the cage. my Heart started pounding and my started face sweating.

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Original: He was wearing a good ol’ Aloha shirt and his round white glasses.
I looped this sentence to: She was wearing one of his old Aloha shirts his round clear glasses, with a pen in his pocket, and a smile on his face. I thought to myself, "Wow, he did not change one bit". It felt as if my mouth was glued shut and my mind blank not knowing what to say.

I felt that looping this sentence would help add detail and feeling

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I started talking to my Momma how bad I wanted this blanket. I was so scared all I was thinking was that she wouldn't let me get and I was going to be so sad I would hide in the changing rooms and sit all upset. Then WOOHOO!!! She said yes and I was the happiest person ever.

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As I was going down the last ramp to head out of the skate park. BOOM! All I remember from that point was laying on the concrete. I could feel that I wanted to sink into the concrete and disappear.

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Original Sentence: Walking up to the stage, I started to get nervous, it was a long walk since my class was sitting in the back.

Looped Sentence: It was a long journey from the back of the cafeteria to the front, I saw it as a walkway of shame. My eyes were locked in with one of my friends, and as I looked around the room the nervousness weighed me down a whole lot. I was struggling to maintain my focus on the speech I was about to say in front of all these students and teachers.

Reflection: I was able to make this single sentence more descriptive and detailed. I have a lot of other places in my personal narrative where I could use the looping method.

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first sentence: I was at a football stadium and I was playing for a team named space rangers we were playing a team that was not good as us but then they scored more points and celebrating.

Revised: I was playing in a stadium and we were on and the other team scored and my team looked down like we were losing by alot.

Reflection: I think I did better on the revised part because I added more detail and emotion.

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original:

my brain froze and my breath was backed up into my throat.

revised:

my brain froze and my breath was backed up into my throat. I wanted to cry as hard as I could, but some weird  force held me back from doing it. Other people were chatting and it seemed as though they were all having a good time, but for me it was different , I was terrified.

reflection:

I really like how much more detailed this is. But, I did find it a little hard figuring out what to type.

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I added lopping to this sentence "We got there and the waves were firing".

so I added they were curling with barrels. It was so glassy and the waves were fantastic.

so my full thing is "We got there and the waves were firing, they were curling with barrels. It was so glassy and the waves were fantastic

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Original sentence, " I sat down and could not stop crying."

looped sentence: I sat down and could not stop crying because I saw my mom struggling with the robber. I wish I could just help her at that time.

I was able to add more emotion because I described how I was feeling at that time.

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Original:

"Sorry! I said,"" It's okay, auditions are about making mistakes and trying your best! Said the teacher.” I still felt really bad because I messed up. I did it better when we tried again but knew I was not good at marching.

Looping:

1. "Sorry! I said, as my face turned red from emmbarresment,"" It's okay, auditions are about making mistakes and trying your best! Said the teacher.” I still felt really embarrassed because I messed up. 2. “Uhhhhh why can’t I just do that step correctly i'm never going to get in now, I said as I lectured my self quietly in my head.” 3. I thought of the steps in my head, “1,2,3,4 turn no 1,2,3,4,5,6 turn no that not it what is it! I angrily thought.” I did it better when we tried again but knew I was not good at marching.

Reflection:

I feel like the coping added more detail and made that moment in the story become more alive and easier to imagine. I feel like there are more places in my story where I can add looping and make it more detailed and clear.

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Original sentence: I went over to my mom and just exploded.

Looped sentence: I went over to my mom, my sweet, compassionate mom, and I just exploded. The hurricane let loose, and my eyes were flooding as I angrily recounted the day to her. She listened patiently, but I could tell it was hurting her that I was so upset. I talked for what seemed like hours, and she just waited. Waited until she was sure I had finished speaking, and then just pulled me into a hug and said, “It’s going to be okay.”

I believe my looping added a lot more depth. It feels way more meaningful now because it added a lot more emotion. I already looped all the sentences that I think I can loop, but I would appreciate feedback on others I can loop.

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original sentence:  I felt like I was 7 again hanging out with my teenage sister with her newly decorated room.

Looping sentence: I looked around her room, and throughout the decorations I could see her within her room. All of her interests and her feelings make it seem like an art piece. I felt like I belonged here. I met everyone in the family, they were all so kind with open arms, I felt like I was important in their family.

I was able to add more emotion and it helped me reflect on how I felt. I think I could use looping on some more sentences if needed.

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Original sentence: I walked closer to the edge and sat down on the edge of the cliff, looking down was like a horror movie, my breath shaking.

Looping sentence:

I walked closer to the edge and sat down on the edge of the cliff, looking down was like a horror movie, my breath shaking. The thought of hitting the water incorrectly, and breaking a bone was haunting the back of my head. I tried to shake it off, but my pessimistic thoughts kept flashing before me, and overruling the last bit of courage I had to jump.

Did looping add depth: Yes I think looping added depth because the original sentence was short and bland, while the new sentence, using looping has more details and is more interesting which can help pull the reader in, or hook the reader.

Does the moment feel more vivid and meaningful?

Yes, the moment feels more vivid and meaningful after using looping because it explains better what was going on inside my head, what I was thinking and what I was feeling in that moment.

Where else in your story can you use looping?

I can use looping almost everywhere in my story, and I think I'll try to because it really helped, I can use it in my draft to add more detail. I'll probably read through it again to try and find more places where I can add looping.

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first sentence: Guess what? One day during playtime at school, I found out our classroom had legos. That made me so happy.

Revised sentence: Guess what? One day during playtime at school, I found out our classroom had legos. I saw them in a box filled with different stuff and could see it so clearly and they felt real too. In my mind I felt very happy and couldn’t describe how I felt at the moment. Around me I saw kids playing with other toys but when I saw this, the other toys seemed like nothing to me.

Reflection: I think that looping added more depth as it was able to add more details and make the sentence longer.

I also think that it had more vivid and meaningful sentences when I added how I felt in the moment. I feel like I could use looping more in the response area.

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First sentence: We were in tears, with sweat dripping down our heads and onto the floor.

Revised: After I saw the ball drop right in front of me I knew it was over. Everything was. I felt like the world was over and that I let everyone down because I couldn't get the ball up. The thoughts and anxiety running through my head during that game had taken over me. All of us were devasted, going from being scared and shaking in the beginning to feeling so lost and let down in the end. Having to experience going through a loss after working so hard for the win is always the hardest.

Reflection: I think that my revised version is better than my first one because it helped me add more details and there was more to talk about in the story.

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Original sentence:"Kaedy and I were bored after a few hours on our phones"

1st Newer version: Kaedy and I mindlessly scrolling on our phone.

2 Newer version: Kaedy and I were mindlessly scrolling on our phones. The boredom slowly consumes us whole with nothing to do. Bored out of our minds we started sending each other memes slightly giggling and laughing at funny videos, But soon returning back to the mindless scrolling.

Did looping add depth?

Yes i believe it added depth because the original text was bland and short where the newest one had more detail to pull the reader in.

Does the moment feel more vivid and meaningful?

Yes I think it is even though we are pretty much doing nothing it shows more depth and detail to make the reader captivated on what we are doing

where else in your story can you use looping?

On most of my draft I made sure to put more detail but I plan to read through it and find places I can make it longer or emphasize the text or find more short sentences that have more potential!

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Original sentence: It was shocking.

New Looped Sentence: It Was shocking. I could feel my stomach twisting as it launched.

Reflection: I definitely think looping will help my writing because something I specifically struggle with is detail and looping is just like a mini revision to a sentence to add more detail so I will definitely go back to loop more sentences

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ORIGINAL SENTENCE: "unable to breath"

LOOPED SENTENCE: "It felt like the air had moved out because there wasn't enough room, like my chest was enclosing, like my lungs were closed up, like I couldn't breath"

REFLECTION

the looping definitely added a lot of depth and more emotion

the moment feels a lot more meaningful then it already was

"I panicked as I realized I couldn't breathe." This sentence could definitely use looping

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Original Sentence: We walked through beautiful fields that had chickens, we walked through a Japanese style part, and looked at Mount. Rainier.

Revised Part: We traveled through the park that had endless fields with wildlife and wheat growing. The sun, peeking through the trees. We walked through a Japanese-styled part of the park, a zen garden with beautiful bamboo shoots and other plants. Finally, we hiked up a mountain of the park and looked off into the distance to see the huge mountain standing over us, Mount. Rainier.

I believe that my revision added more depth as you get to hear about me walking through the park as it is and really imagining the beauty of what I saw in your head. The story feels more vivid and I think I could maybe find some other parts to add looping in my story.

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LOOPING! YOUR TURN: Choose a moment in your draft where an important emotion or action occurs, and apply the looping strategy.

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LOOPING! YOUR TURN: Choose a moment in your draft where an important emotion or action occurs, and apply the looping strategy.

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Start with a simple sentence (like in the mentor texts).

Write a new version that adds physical or sensory details.

Write a second version that focuses on inner thoughts or emotions.

Write a third version that adds imagery or expands the scene.

ORIGINAL SENTENCE:

LOOPED SENTENCE:

REFLECTION:

Did looping add depth?

Does the moment feel more vivid and meaningful?

Where else in your story can you use looping?

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I learned that people are busy a lot of the time with their work or anything, but its the small moments where they aren't at work that matter the most. Not everyone is able to be present at big events but if they are then it makes it even more of a memory you can look back on and smile.

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Revised Reflection :

Looking back I feel that if I hadn’t auditioned and faced my fear of public speaking. I wouldn't have taken up other public speaking and performing opportunities.

I added the lesson more clearly into my reflection, and I removed unneeded and extra information.

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My reflection of the ride I tried for the first time.

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My reflection of the ride I tried for the first time.

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I was glad that I tried it the first time, buy I did not like the drop; because it was way too fast and scary! I will not ride it again!

i had to add more details to the ending because it had just a little bit of details.

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I learned that in any situation it is important to remain calm and rely on the things you have been taught. Whether I'm in the water or on land I always need to be aware of my surroundings and pay attention.

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I learned that taking a risk can lead to a good outcome. I am very glad my uncle pushed me into going into the cave because it was an amazing experience. I can't imagine that I wanted to not go in at first and miss it!

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I learned that I can do thing I don't think I can do if I try my best! And to not be afraid to try new things or get in or not get into shows because I can always try next year.

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lesson learned: Losing a important tournament is a bad thing but Losing because the refs were not helping but they were helping the other team now that's bad so next time when I walk on the football field no matter what I will put in 100%.

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My lesson

I learned that if you face your fear then that fear will fade and you’ll realize that it wasn’t so bad.

Looking back, I realized that because of my cousin pushing me through the ride line into the ride, and me not running away, I found out that I really like those kinds of rides, and especially that ride.

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Once I got back home on Christmas Eve, Now in my “home” I felt out of place, I no longer felt free. I felt like I was finally home after years of waiting, and then I was immediately taken back into a place which was forced to be home. Flooded with memories of when this house once was home. But now this is my house, but my house will never be my home. My home is with my sisters. Every time I miss the trip I had gone on. I realize that everywhere is amazing and that no matter where I am, if my sisters are there with me. I am at home.

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Finally, it was Thursday night. On the way to gym all I could talk about was my round-off backhandspring and how I would perhaps try it at the end if I felt ready. During corners Coach B yelled at me “Back handspring!” I was confused. The coach who was at corners said “Do you know what he yelled?” I replied no, and she told me he said Back handspring. I was confused. She said “your round-off backhandspring” I said I never tried it, and she said “You do not have it on floor?” and I told her I never did it anywhere. For a moment she looked surprised, then shrugged. A bit later I was working my round-offs on floor and Coach B told me to try my round-off back handspring. Then my other coach said “I was just about to tell her that!” My palms grew sweaty as I got back in line. Once it was my turn I did one round-off, and my coach explained how to do a round-off back handspring. I took a step and did it. It felt like flying. I landed it, and all the girls in the class clapped for me. My cheeks grew bright red, and I got back in line to do it again. I was very proud of myself because I had been so nervous to try it but did it easily. Today as I look back at that day, I think it gave me confidence to try more advanced skills in my gymnastics.

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My reflection/lesson learned:

That day I realized that it’s good to visit the past and embrase it every now and then. Also, that time is precious because it had already been 2 years since i’ve been there and so much has already changed. That’s a story that will always be in my heart because of all the new and old memories it holds with in it.

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Reflection, I learned that it’s important to risk your lives for other people, so they don’t die. I have changed because I am more confident about how I feel about myself now, before I thought I was a horrible human being until my dad and I carried the people into the EMS beds. I still have meltdowns and feel disappointed in myself, but it’s not as often anymore.

Closing thought, this moment is important to me because after this happened I realized that I am brave and that I would risk my life for neighbors that I didn't really know. I am now a really nice human being that would do anything to save people, including That I would risk my life for them.

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once I got home I told my mom what had happened and she scolded me but I new why she was mad. I got the cut clean and it healed up.

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incident: I was being chased on my bike by a big pit bull he was white black and a little bit of brown he was really fast next thing you know I have a sharp pain in the upper part of my ankle.

response: I was not happy with the outcome but I new I could not get mad at anyone else because I decided to do this and I got what I deserved

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original lead: It was the year 2022 me and my friends were doing dumb stuff on the road we started off by just playing football then it got to annoying a dog

revised lead: In 2022 I was playing on the road with my friends this was our first interaction with the big dog we did not understand if the dog was vicious or not

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after going through this I was worried when they sent me home because I don't want to end up in the hospital again and looking back at this moment it was the scariest time of my life and always make sure that you are healthy.

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incident: I started having sharp pains on the left side of my stomach and chest area so my parents took me to the ER and the doctor tells me and my parents that I have pneumonia and having to stay in the hospital.

Response: it was so sore I didn't want to move and cried in pain. I was frightened and bored because all I would do in my hospital room was watch movies.

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original lead: when I was five years old I got sick and it started off with a sore throat and fevers. I was scared and was not sure what was happening

revised lead: In 2017 when I was just 5 years old, I had my first experience being in the hospital.  I will always remember this because it was scary for me just being a kid and not understanding what was going on.

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In conclusion, going through an earthquake at school was really intense and scary. Even though it felt like everything was shaking and confusing, our drills and our teachers’ quick actions helped us stay safe. We learned how important it is to be prepared and listen to instructions during emergencies. It also made me feel closer to my friends and teachers because we all looked out for each other. Even though I hope we don’t have to go through something like that again, I’m glad we got through it together and are now better prepared for anything that might come our way.

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My reflection/lesson learned: “You know, she’s gonna be your responsibility, I won’t help you with anything,” my dad said. “I know,” I said, petting my dog, “But she’s gonna be my best friend while doing so.” Marlee was one of my first-ever responsibilities (besides my siblings) and had to take care of her instead of just having her just because I wanted a dog, she’s also my best friend and the best ever (In my biased opinion).

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In conclusion, losing my grandfather at such a young age was difficult, but it also let me think and reflect on the kind of person my grandpa was. I didn’t have a choice to go or not to go the funeral, my mom didn’t let me. Through the stories and memories shared by others, I notice how big of a change he gave to this family.

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Summary:This is the story that I faced my fear, jumping off a rock. It turned out really fun and I was so proud of myself for jumping off it in the first place.

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in conclusion I will now take more action and rely on myself more. There are so many things I could've done to be safer in a earthquake but now I know for the future if i ever am in a earthquake again. I also will now look and see how protective my mom is always putting her family first always.

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The changes that I made had more detail so it is as if you can see the characters, and even more changes is that I started the story before being outside.

The way that focusing on my reflection improves my ending is that the things that we did in the beginning makes a better build up towards the end making it entertaining and making the read keep reading hooking them in the story.

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incident: we arrived in colorado and the place we were staying at was up high in the mountains

response: i was not very happy about this because of how tall the mountain looked and how cold it was

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first lead:

i was woken up by my parents to get on this sort of 'trip' that i was never told about

revised:

i was woken up by the sounds of water running and bags zipping, i was on my foam mattress, with my parents taking me to wake up and get dressed for some sort of 'trip' i believe, which i didnt even hear about

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Summery: this story is not just another day that I break my bone but a day I realize what consequences can happen if I don't try to be careful, Whether its climbing a tree or teaching myself a new trick I know now to always be prepared if anything happens and to be ready to face the consequences.

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Summary: Having my brother kidnapped in my dream made me realize that the consequence of not keeping a good eye on my little brother or cousins could possibly change my life and others around me. It's a choice to carefully watch my brother and cousins but I have to remember what the consequences can be if I don't.

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In conclusion, Since I love this so much now its not just a blanket to me, it means a lot more to me. This blanket means so much to me because this blanket has gotten me through a lot of stuff and has helped me in a lot of situations. This blanket is like everything. Since this blanket has gotten me through a lot of tough times it also helped me realize a lot about life which has made me a better person today.

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No matter what's going on in life It's important to tell someone don't suffer in silence family and friends will help endure and guide you through the pain

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Inciedents and responses, By Kennedy Davis 

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Inciedents and responses, By Kennedy Davis 

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My grandma getting cancer

response: I didn't know, but I noticed something was up

My dad telling me my grandma had cancer

Response: I was frustrated she didn't tell me

I pushed her to tell me

Response: I felt very upset because I can't picture life without my grandma

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I stormed up the stairs, I was mad I wanted everything to stop, my head was spinning I felt the world spin, I was about to fall but luckily my dad pulled me right back into reality with a loud shout “STOP STOMPING, YOU DON’T PAY FOR THE REPAIRS IN THIS HOUSE!”

I stopped my trek up the stairs and yelled back “FINE!” My dad knew exactly why I was mad he was the one who told me. My eyes burned I finally got up the stairs, the hallway looked longer the doors looked smaller, and I felt a tear run down my face, I approached the door it was small so small it felt like I couldn't fit through it, on the other side of the door was my best friend the one that was there when I was born the one that loved me the one I loved and I would have to say goodbye soon she was leaving and I would not accept it, I couldn’t who could it was overwhelming to think about the stress every day I would endure, it was a horrible thought......

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In conclusion, now me and my family, especially my dumb sister (I don't care what you say she is still the dumbest person I know not saying she's dumb in school or stuff like that but she does dumb stuff), are more cautious not just about our dogs but about everything and the lesson really was think before you do something impulsive

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In my conclusion, I believe that you should generally look at the bright side more in life than the negatives. You are so blessed to be living on this earth and you should treasure your experiences and think of the good that has to come. Sure, there is bad, but it's better to look at the good side of things than always look at the bad.

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In conclusion I learned that you should always try and be on time. For my story I changed a few things up and decided to fix it and start to focus more and add more detail into the story to make it more in depth of the story to make it more interesting.

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I have three incidents

Incident 1: We were driving on our way there

Incident 2: It was late and we almost didn't make it

Incident 3: we barely made it and took the puppies back home

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In conclusion, I fell about 20 feet sprained my left ankle, and had to wear a boot and wear crutches for about 1 1/2 months. You should always be careful and aware of any possible dangers, and not risk any potential injuries.

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I made a lot of changes, mostly to my reflection. I revised my entire reflection, I changed how it introduced the lesson of my personal narrative. Focusing on the reflection improved the end of my story by, making the ending of my story tie back to everything that happened in the story, reflecting on it.

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my conclusion is about me not giving up even when I couldn't handle it and take it anymore, I learned that not giving up on yourself is the good part. But the bad part is being to hard on yourself.

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In conclusion something I learned is to take deep breaths and know that you will be ok. I say this because the dance team I am on is only there to help you but because my anxiety it hard for me to relax so when something like s this happens again I will think of the good things and not the bad.

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I have 3 incidents in my story so far

I changed my story by making more incidents, before I only had 2 incidents and I only had one more to do. I was able to improve and focus on my story by adding more detail to each of my incidents.

1. My Nana said that I would be crying for 12 more years if I cried everyday before school

2. During school I didn't want to do much Based on what I heard on the first incident because I knew that I would have to repeat these types of days for 12 years

3. This led to me hating school on the very next day