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lying on the same couch you used to sit on, thinking about you.

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i miss you

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i need you right now.

please come back.

i feel so alone.

my uti is causing me to bleed. i’m in pain and i’m scared.

why are you not here?

why do you not care?

where are you when i need you?

how can you do this?

leaving me to deal with this all alone?

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unrelated picture but something happened yesterday that awoke myself to realisation.

i realised that i no longer feel anything after you, just a sense of neutrality. i feel numb.

but then i drove past your house last night and i suddenly felt like, maybe i don’t hate you anymore. and maybe this is how you feel and it’s not your fault for feeling this way, although it is your fault for choosing to behave this way. but i understand, it must have hurt with all those pain. you’re just traumatised and scared and never quite understood how love works. you haven’t gotten a chance to work through it. and suddenly, i just don’t hold a grudge against you anymore. because i truly believe that deep down inside of you, there exist a beautiful soul still, waiting to be healed. i loved that beautiful soul inside of you, beneath what you show on the outside and i believe that there will come a day where that soul and your true self will supersede this superficial appearance that you’re exhibiting. and i think i forever will, just like how i end up forgiving people and loving them still. i think i can never truly hate people even when i say i do.

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is this what it feels like to have a sister? i love you emma <3

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falling in love with the korea public national junior team LOL and they’re all 21 and below i’m going to hell THEY’RE ALL SO SO CUTE OH MY LORD

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it was a very intense match between saudi arabia and south korea last night

south korea only performed in the last 10 min of the match

but cho mvp and hwang hee chan was the deciding man for pens

goalkeeper was on point too

overall a very exciting match

ily south korea national football team

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funny thing is, i saw you beyond your superficial self. i loved who i saw inside of you. but your superficial self masked such a great person underneath.

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truly, you disgust me so much. you can’t keep your fucking businesses to yourself. you feel the need to announce your shit to the entire world. and it disgusts me more that people still stupidly believe in your lies and align with your fucked up moral values. it makes me sick to the bones. i’ve never felt smarter and prouder and happier for myself to catch your bullshit early and walk away. now i’m just laughing at how fucking dumb everyone else. have fun y’all’s. truly despicable and shameless. fuck off.

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2024 will be a year i learn to protect my peace better.

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fuck friends. fuck relationships. fuck family. people suck.

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a few months ago, i asked God for a cristina yang and derek shephard. may not have found derek but i sure as hell found cristina yang and i’m beyond grateful.

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this is so relatable lol

this is truly the guy that awoken something in us

making us realise how broken we both are

and not because of him, but because he triggered this sense of realization in us that some people are just inherently like that truly, refusing to fix themselves

and running away from their problems and themselves

and because of that, i refuse to go down the same road as him at all cost

no matter how painful it is to face reality, i will always do it

i will force myself to come to terms with the painful feeling and learn to grow out of it

i don’t want to end up being as delusional and ignorant as him

i refuse to.

this is one good thing that came out of him, amongst many other reasons

he taught me that i never want to be as hopeless and useless as him

he taught me that when someone says you deserve better, you truly do, you run. i have raised my standards after him

i will never ever date a fucking loser like him ever again

he taught me that i refuse to be avoidant or i’ll end up like

he taught me that i should never trust people so easily and give my everything to them, as much as it is in my character to do that because people can be that deceiving

i will never let anyone take advantage of my kindness and unconditional love that is so precious

i won’t stop loving people, i just will stop loving the wrong person

he taught me to listen to my gut feeling and stay true to my morals and set my boundaries right. when things overstep, the line, don’t be afraid to walk away even when it hurts or even when it’s hard

he taught me that what other people think of me doesn’t matter, people believe what they choose to believe and eventually, the truth will come out one day and be apparent to everyone else

i should just listen to myself and trust myself

karma always wins.

and that everything is a lie, everything is just an illusion.

and last but not least, never make friends or find guys at the club

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also realised how me and her are like meredith grey and cristina yang that even our boys are such good friends with each other. truly heartwarming. maybe soul mates aren’t meant to be romantic partners but friendships.

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watched a musical concert yesterday and initially i didn’t really feel like going but went anyways. surprisingly, i felt serene, calm and peaceful and teared up because it brought me back to my time in band when i was in primary and secondary school. i suddenly had a rush of nostalgia remembering all of the memories and friendships. although everything is already in the past, it felt like i was transported back in time and suddenly, nothing else changed or mattered in that instance. truly, it had tugged at my heart strings.

however, yesterday got me wondering about many things. i realised how little i meant to people. and how promises can be broken so easily. and that no one can be trusted. and that everything is a lie and people suck. the very person that can promise you that the friendship will never end and treat you so nicely a week ago can just go all cold on you. they can treat you like you’re the world to them one minute and the next, when they find someone better, they can just ignore you and dump you aside when they realise they can’t make use of you anymore. and i fucking hate that. i fucking hate humans. i hate humans even more when they can’t shut the fuck up and mind their own business and constantly announce their issues to the rest of the world. like fuck you. i fucking hate you. just shut your fucking trap and die.

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oreo be like “wah piang pls la this uncle cmi enough la, can’t believe i used to live with him”

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how did someone go from a solid 8 to a barely making it 4 in like 2 months

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i wanna be a wag so bad.

well at least now it’s the calm after the storm. i just feel so numb and disoriented now. i feel like everyone and everything is a lie and people are only around when they need you. when they’re done with using you or they can’t seem to use you, you will just be dumped aside. everyone is the same and no one can be trusted. fuck everyone. i feel like i having derealization episodes. and i don’t know what to do about it. everything feels like a dream, everything feels so unreal. and i can’t wake up from it. fuck man.

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son 🫶🫶🫶

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i finally got my sports shoes so that i can go rn again. i mean, it’s not the most ideal design that i wanted but i think it will do. and plus, my shoe size is so small that i can’t really find any other type that fits my size so this will have to do. i mean, it’s really not that bad anyways. can’t wait to start running again.

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i just wanted to say how good my eye makeup looks/ how long my setting spray lasts even after falling asleep with it.

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even my ex treats me better than you did. at least he genuinely cares so much more about me, even after all these while. you keep saying about other people like you’re so much better than them. but in reality, you’re way worse and more pathetic than anyone else.

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silly me got the concert dates wrong and went to the stadium on the wrong date fuck but thanks to that i learnt who my true friends are.

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cb my friend said that i fell for a love scam. true sia…i was blinded in love and lent him $1.7k for all his sob stories and now i struggle to get it back because he’s such a useless ass who can spend money on hotels, girls, clubs, cigarettes, drinks, shoes, overseas but yet don’t have the money to return me. fucking useless good for nothing idiot.

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i got meds for my nightmares because i told the doctor my nightmares are giving me anxiety attacks and i can’t sleep well every single night for years.

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choose yourself. every single time. because at the end of the day, you’re the only left to fend for yourself.

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grey’s anatomy humour

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he’s such a good boy. he brings so much comfort when i can’t deal and cope with what i’m feeling. he just sits and listens quietly. i love him.

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not me and his ex bonding and healing together rn.

not us getting angry at the way he treated both of us.

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fax. think about it. this guy has no education, no job, no future, no hope. why tf would anyone think that they can have a future with him (myself included when i was blind in love).

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never again.

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never again.

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late night drives

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change is the only constant. if i have to accept that people will change, then people will have to accept that i can change too. people who can’t do that are immature and incredibly small minded.

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i hope so. but for me, i’m somebody who will not stop loving you if i ever started loving you. i will forever appreciate you and be grateful for your existence. so... except for that one dude.

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HAHAHA sadly the generation nowadays is as such. i think my future will end up like this too LOL.

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YES.

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i used to think like this. but not anymore. even in another life, i wish our paths would never cross. i wish you would disappear from the existence of this universe. fuck you. fuck off.

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yes ew i can’t believe that knowing that you were as such, i still defended you and tried to give you and chance and believed there is a hope in you. but not anymore, you have really shown me that this is why you should never trust anyone and that everyone in this world is a liar and is fake.

a LEOpard never changes its spots.

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if i ever fully get over this, i’m going to the same place to film myself doing this.

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girlhood is like the best thing to exist ever. i really thank the fucking lord for her existence. without her, i don’t know how i would have ended up. she saved my life so many times, on my darkest days, ironically. now we're literally vibing with each other and we feel like we’ve found our long lost sister and laughing about him and men together. when nobody else had our backs, we had each other’s. and somehow, that makes me feel a little less lonely. and i also became inspired and motivated by her, somehow. i guess that’s why everything happens for a reason. when one door closes, another opens. if you ever see this, i love you. 🫶

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my friend reminded me of this grey’s anatomy quote when i was breaking down on saturday. and it’s true. shit happens. we can’t stop it. we can’t change it. we just have to keep going. life is as such. life moves fast. move with it or get left behind.

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unfortunately. but for some, you can’t help them if they don’t want to be helped. you can’t feel for them if they have no feelings.

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the fucking hurt of betrayal you feel when you would do anything for that person, to the point that you would die for them. like if they got into an accident, you would give your organs for them to live. the fucking hurt of betrayal where you would never have tolerated certain things but you did because you were blinded by love. the fucking hurt of betrayal where you sacrificed so much, just for them to be in your life. but, they would never have done the same. instead, they stab you in the back and watch you bleed to death. they pretend like you meant nothing to them, all in the blink of an eye. they move from one person to another, as easy and fast as changing clothes. fucking gross. fucking dirty. and the worst part is seeing how people actually believing in his lies because they think they struck the lottery when they’re in fact stepping on shit.

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on 20/1/24, everything finally clicked together. it was the moment i understood everything, in totality. i realised how i should have trusted my gut feelings. when people said that you’re a red flag, i should have listened to them. you’re a liar, a manipulator and a hypocrite. you’re a fraud. everything you say or do is not real. you just use people for you own sake and care about no one else but yourself. you’re a fucking sick, a disgusting dog and no different from all the other guts, worse in fact. or maybe one of the worst i’ve ever seen. you also need to get some help because you’re so fucked up. and everyone else who is on your side is also just as fucked up. once they see your true colours, they will run the fuck away from you. you can run all you want but you’ll never run far away enough from your own shadows. just wait and see, karma will bite you back in the ass. i hope you’re miserable and suffer and die a miserable death.

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anyways, on 20/1/24, i spent my day watching football, until i found out more tea and went on a downwards spiral but then managed to pick myself back up again and realise that it’s not worth it at all and so i got over it completely, all within the span of one day.

funny how if i look back on this again one day, i’m definitely gonna laugh over it.

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i’m updating a lot of my backlog because i haven’t really felt like coming here to journal down my feelings.

but on 20/1/24, i was feeling this.

it’s painful and hard to cut people off. but when you know that it’s gonna be best for you, you just have to do it, even when you’re going to be misjudged or misunderstood by people. i mean, they wouldn’t know what you know. and when they share different beliefs and morals with you, it’s gonna be really hard to get them to see eye to eye with you. but see, in life, everyone is for their own. so no matter what, you have to put yourself first. and to do that, sometimes you just gotta sacrifice some things.

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when you have so much love to give but you give it to the wrong person and it gets wasted and your heart gets too tired to love anyone else

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have you ever been so disgusted by someone you literally feel like puking?

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you’re a monster, incredibly disgusting, and i finally see it now. the more you know, the more jaded you become with this world.

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when people ask me if i carry a lighter because i smoke, i say no, i don’t smoke.

why do i carry a lighter with me all the time then? just in case you need it.

and although i’m giving up on you, i will forever carry a lighter in my bag from now on. it will remind me of how much i loved you and remind me to never make the same mistake loving someone like you again.

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mood: depressed
feeling: broken and pain
food: nil
shower: nil
plans: sleep
state: disaster
need: you
help.

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everything is so painful help
my period is killing me
and so is my heart
i only want one person and it’s him

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healing is so incredibly painful. some days i fear that i won’t be able to get through it. some days i hate myself for not being better. the pain is real. some days i just want to end it all.

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i need this in my future house

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the players from iraq quite cute hehe

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watched the indonesian and hong kong team play today and thought of you…

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pt.2

yes, she told me that the world is a scary place and that everyone is just out there to get me in this dog eat dog world. no one matters at the end of the day because everyone is selfish and only care about them so i should not depend on anyone or trust anyone but myself.

and at least, i’m not like you. i know that we both are inherently lonely and we want to run away from our own issues, so much so that we are willing to do anything and even sacrifice our happiness and drown ourselves in pain just so that we can ensure that we will survive. we have the exact same tendencies. but i’m so determined to not be a hypocrite like you. i want to change and i will continue to take actions to change. i really don’t understand how you can complain about everything but still choose to drown in your swamp, reinforcing all your negative and toxic behaviours and habits. i will never understand why. you’re the biggest hypocrite and scariest person i’ve known. you say you don’t understand why people like to set themselves on fire knowing that they’d get burnt but look at yourself. you’re setting yourself on fire and burning yourself every single day. you’re right when you say that you’d tell all your friends to run the hell away from you. because your self-destructive behaviours and mindset are just so mind-boggling and unbelievable. you talk about how other people are broke, yet you yourself are no better. you talk about how other people are using friends and lovers to fill the void in their lives but that’s what you’re doing too. you can’t even live on your own for one day. supper, supper, supper, fuck sake you don’t even really like these friends. you’re only friends with them because they’re convenient. hell, i bet you don’t even like going to the clubs. who the fuck can go so often and not get sick of it. you don’t even like these friends. you just don’t wanna go home and need company. you insult me for all my self-destructive behaviours but at least mine aren’t hurting anyone but myself and i’m working on it but what are you doing about yours? is this something you do to reaffirm yourself to make you feel better about yourself? idk? you make me feel sick.

and plus all the things i’ve heard, the lies you concoct, the sweet nothings you say to everyone, the manipulation, the act you put on to make yourself look good in front of others for your own ego, the way you just use people for your own benefit. every single thing was purposefully done for your own sake. you’re irresponsible, selfish and you don’t care about anything but yourself. i could go on and on about how incorrigible you really are.

i trusted you with all my life and was willing to do anything for you. and despite knowing all of your flaws, perhaps i still do and still am. somehow, even after taking off my rose-tinted glasses, i still can’t get over you and worry for you and love you. i know that there are much better people out there. i don’t know how i still feel this way despite everything and i really hate it. i ask myself all the time what is so likeable about you that i can’t get rid of my feelings. i think deep down, we just have some really fucked up mentality and just crave the things that hurt us most.

i think my biggest flaw and mistake from all of these is my naivety for trusting you and not respecting myself enough to sacrifice my dignity and self-worth all because i love you. and now i end up being in a very fucked up predicament and need a lot of time to heal from this shit. and meanwhile, you don’t even give a fuck and you don’t even know or care much i’m suffering because of you. the only thing you know how to do is to use your words to manipulate and seek sympathy.

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pt. 1
recently, i’ve been busy going out to distract myself. and for a brief moment, things felt a little less painful.

i have good friends who cares deeply about me. they brought me out, made sure i ate and showered because they know that i’m going through a tough time. and weirdly enough, these are the most unexpected people. and this really makes you see who the real ones are in a world of fake people.

sure, i get more aware of the bigger picture each day and slowly get better at forgiving and moving on. but then again, not going to lie, the pain never really dissipated. some of my friends keep asking me “when are you going to fully move on? why are you taking so long to move on?”. it’s really not something that can be gotten over with the snap of the fingers. it might take days, weeks, months or even years. and that is okay. you can forgive but never forget. i seriously don’t know how long i need but for now, all i can afford to do is to lay on my bed and sleep.

and to make things worse, when childish people can’t grow up and make it seem like your fault for choosing to protect your peace, it all comes back to affect you again. i literally left the group because i don’t align with the values of some people there (and those who condone their actions). and i feel like i don’t owe anyone an explanation for doing so. if you feel hurt or offended, then you should be the one to reflect on your own actions. i seriously don’t know what the fuck you all are thinking but whatever y’all doing are damn childish and disgusting. and i already warned y’all what i need to warn but y’all don’t want to listen then i don’t want to associate myself with you. don‘t question why i choose to cut y’all off then. y‘all are just one big group of toxic people who have nothing better to do in life but to talk shit about others and have many unnecessary issues that you bring upon yourselves instead of reflecting on yourselves and working on your own individual flaws and i can’t deal with that and i don’t want to deal with that because it subconsciously makes me become toxic too. all of y’all have some fucked up mindset and many other issues i just can’t be bothered to name.
there’s a fine line between joking and taking it too far and you guys have crossed the line multiple times. you can talk shit about other people and call them a snowflake forgetting offended but when i make the jokes, you get offended? and also i never even said anything to insult or offend y’all. y’all just butthurt i cut y’all off without any explanation. to that, go reflect upon yourselves lol. hypocrite much? talk whatever shit you want, about me or whoever. i really don’t fucking care anymore. i have asked everyone i know to stop updating me whatever happens in the group. i just don’t want to know and associate myself with y’all. period. leave me the fuck alone. don’t even bring my name in anymore. grow up, for fuck’s sake. how old already? seriously lol i never gotten angry previously until this shit happened.

sometimes, i wonder if it’s a me problem that i don’t have any constants in my life. i see people having long term friendships and relationships and envy them and feel shitty about myself. am i the problem for not being able to keep any of my friendships/ relationships? people tell me to maybe find the root cause of the issue and reflect upon myself? all i can think of is, no, i don’t think there is a problem with me at all. in fact, the fact that i’m able to respect myself enough to say that okay, this is where i draw the line and not continue to pursue this friendship/ relationship and walk away unlike many others who just continue to blindly stay in a toxic friendship/ relationship because of being accustomed to familiarity is very courageous and smart of me.

and i’m thankful to have had a conversation with my friend who told me the same thing. she affirmed me that i’m making the right choice if i do it to protect my peace. and that i’m not at fault for doing that.

so i’m glad i chose to walk out of it. of all of the relationships that i feel no longer serve me well. and i don’t care what anyone says about me leaving, for they are not me and they don’t know how i feel. sure i could stay to protect everyone else’s peace at the expense of my own but at the end of the day, i’ll be the one that’s unhappy and suffering. it’s time i be selfish for myself.

and then from here, i can heal and recover and then start moving forward and achieving things again. i feel like i have wasted so much time dealing with all these bullshit while my other peers are achieving so much more in life. but it’s okay, i shall be kind to myself and not compare myself to others. i’m on my own journey. it’s okay. i will get there one day. for now, i just have to focus on getting back up and put one foot in front of the other. at least, i’ve learnt lessons that others don’t get to. i just have to find my way back to where i belong. i hope.

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seems like everybody's falling in love except for me
maybe i
maybe i'll find love when i'm 23
they say "boy just make up your mind
you're wasting your time waiting
for someone who will set you free
well i'm sorry but i disagree
and all the stars in TV shows
act like it's so wrong to be alone
but why's it so hard for them to see that
i'm good by myself
but that don't mean that i don't
want that someone else
to finally fall in love with
cuz i'm not lonely
but i'll take my one and only
if she finds me then i won't say no
i guess nobody finds the wrong way to do it right
maybe i
maybe i'll find love in another life
because i'd rather wait a million days
than settle for a lie
that fake love is a waste of time
and fairy tales are overrated
i don't mean to come off jaded
- kyle hume

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everything’s hurting so much

and i miss you so much

a part of me feels like it’s missing.

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you say, “i don't understand, " and i say, "i know you don't"
we thought a cure would come through in time, now i fear it won't
remember lookin' at this room, we loved it 'cause of the light
now, i just sit in the dark and wonder if it's time

do i throw out everything we built or keep it?
i'm getting tired even for a phoenix
always risin' from the ashes
mendin' all her gashes
you might just have dealt the final blow

stop, you're losin' me
i can't find a pulse
my heart won't start anymore
for you
'cause you're losin' me

every mornin', i glared at you with storms in my eyes
how can you say that you love someone you can't tell is dyin'?
i sent you signals and bit my nails down to the quick
my face was gray, but you wouldn't admit that we were sick

and the air is thick with loss and indecision
i know my pain is such an imposition

now, you're runnin' down the hallway
and you know what they all say
you don't know what you got until it's gone

how long could we be a sad song
'til we were too far gone to bring back to life?
i gave you all my best me's, my endless empathy
and all i did was bleed as i tried to be the bravest soldier
fighting in only your army
frontlines, don't you ignore me
i'm the best thing at this party
and i wouldn't marry me either
a pathological people pleaser
who only wanted you to see her
and i'm fadin', thinkin'

"do something, babe, say something"
"lose something, babe, risk something"
"choose something, babe, i got nothing
to believe
unless you're choosin' me"

- taylor swift

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why do men…

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oh, take me back to the night we met.

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it’s a mind vs heart battle.

and it’s so fucking painful but needed. i can’t count how many times i have almost tried to break this promise i made to myself because i miss and need you so much. but i know that you’re no good for me. so i can’t do this to myself.

if i give in and break no contact, yeah sure i will feel relieved at the current moment, short term wise. but soon, everything will spiral and go full circle and won’t be helpful in the long run. so for the sake of my long-term future, i have to make sacrifices and try to mindfuck myself no matter how strong the urge is. it’s like my everyday battle with ocd. the more i give in, the stronger the compulsions and the more i will lose myself.

the only circumstance i will contact you is if there are really any emergency or to ask for my money back. i will stop being the fucking dumbass to always put in effort and make the first move. no more. i have to respect myself more.

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always a sucker for you and i wish i gave myself more self respect. I’M TRYING OKAY.

see, i want to make the first move all the time and throw away my self dignity. but i try so hard to control and hold it in. i deserve more self respect for myself. the more i take the first move, the more you think that i’m always going to be there for you all the time, at your convenience, the more you’re going to take me for granted and the more you know that you’ll always have me at the palm of your hands to manipulate me and use me to your advantage however you like. and then the more you will lose respect for me. (not like you haven’t already)

i trust my gut feelings. you are no good for me. all the bread crumbing you’re give me will not faze me and make me change my mind because those are just the bare minimum to keep me hooked. i have learnt to identify your behavioural patterns. i’m smarter than this.

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somehow, i’m a very forgiving person. i stop getting mad very quickly and i forgive fast. i don’t hold any grudges, even to those that have done me wrong. well, at most, i just want them to understand my pov. but, one thing i will never do is forget and trust again. i will never let them in again.

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zouk ❌

zoo ✅

i’m so glad i’m back to doing normal stuff instead of going to the club and running away to avoid dealing with my issues. and leaving house when the sun rises and going home when the sun sets and not the other way around. and aaila is one of those who made me feel reconnected to reality again.

i want to have a kid so badly. they make me so so happy and i unconditionally love them so so much.

sometimes, i secretly pray that i have one. sometimes, i pray that by some miracle, it happens. and then worry about the rest later.

but then again, i’m worried about choosing a father for my child and how i can have the physical and mental capacity to take care of one.

i don’t want my kid to suffer.

and my parents make me feel like not wanting to have a kid.

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i have this thought and urge to ask you something.

but i’m not sure if it’s a good idea…

what if we just stay as strictly fwb? (maybe not even friends but strangers)

no discussion of any personal feelings at all.

i just don’t want to do it with anyone else but you.

but at the same time, i don’t want to associate with any of your personal thoughts and feelings.

and i think you might feel the same way too? idk?

so perhaps, this could work out? idk?

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i miss you again.

but i hate that i do because i wish i don’t.

i need to get rid of my feelings for you but i can’t seem to.

i feel so tempted to just text you but that would be doing myself a huge disservice and disrespect.

it’s so painful.

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i have so much thoughts but i haven’t had the energy to write any of it down, even here.

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not surprising tbh.

people like you are just born to be selfish creatures.

not a drop of guilt or shame.

of course you don’t care about how we feel.

all you know what to do is to run away when things get hard and avoid dealing with tough situations.

you distract yourself with superficial company to get by.

you drown yourself in ways that you will be sure to survive but not live life.

you’re so fucking fucked up and pathetic.

how do you live like that?

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i would have done anything for him. but i know that he doesn’t give 2 fucks about me, or anything. if anything, he just sympathizes me. or he just feels guilty he can’t return all the love i have to offer him. he just does things because he knows it would make me feel loved and happy and not because he wants to love me make me happy. how fucking tragic and hurtful.

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everyday i thank myself,
for walking away even though it hurts so fucking bad.
because i started respecting myself more and putting myself first.
and then on hindsight i realised how lame everyone and everything is.
one day, everyone’s gonna realise it and get bored of this shit.
even if they don’t, they can just stick to their own echo chamber and echo the same negative shit to each other.
lame and overrated.

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i want to earn enough money so to move out.
i want to earn enough money to take my car and bike license.
i want to earn enough money to buy a bike and ride where ever i want.
i want to earn enough money to buy whatever i want.
that’s my goal for now. not wasting time on people like you.

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i really enjoy karting, the speed and the adrenaline.
fuckers like you will never understand and you always think football is the greatest sport ever.

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clubbing addiction ❌❌
karting addiction ✅✅
so glad i’m moving on to doing something healthier for myself.

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it’s my turn to feel conflicted now.
i feel so conflicted about loving you now.

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you’re a very scary person.
but yet so alluring.

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every time i miss you, i just need to text my favourite person to remind me how overrated and lame you are.

the more i find out about you, the more grossed out i am.

at 5.55am, this is a core memory.

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at the end of the day, it’s very clear.

no amount of explanation or excuses can explain that i am just not good enough.

and no one is ready to handle me because of all the issues i have because of all the trauma i went through.

this is the very reality of men today.

men don’t want problematic girls like me. men can’t handle problematic girls like me. men don’t even want to waste their energy to try.

i am just not good enough.

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the 5 horsemen of my soul

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just because he’s good for your hole, doesn’t mean he’s good for your soul.

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in the past few months,

i’ve lost my way,

and i lost myself.

in my most vulnerable state of mind,

not only did i remain stagnant,

i chose to make my life worse,

i chose to take 3 steps backwards.

sure, i did make many friends.

sure, i did get to experience what people deem how “people in their twenties” spend their time doing.

i found a person so fucking beautiful and so fucking precious in the most hopeless of places.

nights became my mornings and mornings became my nights.

i watched people starting their morning exercise and going to work as i was heading home.

i started going against my own morals to accept things that i swore i never would accept.

my bed starts getting warmer and my room messier.

i put everything down to make those few people happy.

i gave everything up to make that boy happy.

i ignored my boundaries and disregarded myself.

i lost all my friends from school.

it’s like i became somebody i don’t recognise.

and seeing her like that is so repulsive.

i don’t like that version of her.

but i couldn’t get out of it.

i was way too caught up with the thrill of it all.

and i feel guilty.

and now that i’m forcing myself to heal,

wow. the healing is even more painful than the spiralling to that state.

now i understand how fucking shitty alcoholics or drug abusers feel when they try to detox.

everything is so depressing and lonely.

i don’t have anything, anyone but myself and i want to unalive myself all the time.

i feel left out, i feel the urge to reach out, every day.

but i know i can’t. for my own sake.

i don’t know how long more i can do this for.

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call me delusional

call me obsessed

call me crazy

i know you don’t care

i know you probably already moved on

i know you don’t want to associate yourself with me

i just can’t stop re-reading old messages and re-thinking and re-hurting myself.

i just can’t get over you.

oh lord please help me.

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found a new cutie from the sk team, seol young woo!

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lmaooo look at the number of yellow cards given to the sk team

hwang hee chan injured :(

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son didn’t do so well in this game but he will forever be my favourite football player of all times and i love him!

watching football will always remind me of you.

i’ve dated so many guys who played football but somehow football meant so much more to me especially after you.

just like how i won’t stop supporting son even if he doesn’t do well, you will forever have a place in my heart no matter what.

it’s so exciting and humbling to try and learn about and appreciate a sport you love so much and spent most of your life dedicating time and energy to. all because i love you, i find myself learning to love the things you love too.

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another sick goal from lee kang in

he’s just so cute isn’t he

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watch the afc asian cups today (because my fav sk team is playing) and watch this fucking sick goal by lee kang in.

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if i die young

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i hope i’ve helped you to achieve that “we can’t co-exist in the same space”, “if that slut is going, i’m not going”, “you’re the reason i feel so conflicted.” peace you’ve always wanted because you can live without the good but you can’t live with pain, not a drop of it.

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you never wanted to try hard enough.

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nobody understands.

nobody understands.

nobody understands.

nobody understands.

nobody understands.

nobody understands.

nobody understands.

nobody understands.

nobody understands.

nobody understands.

nobody understands.

nobody understands.

nobody understands.

nobody understands.

nobody understands.

even you call me delusional for loving you.