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I grew up in a Christian house and was surrounded by cis heteronormative people for most of my life. This never deterred my physical attraction to both men and women. However, all of my friends came from church, where anything outside of heterosexuality was considered wrong. The pressure religious institutions force on people, especially kids and young adults, to assimilate into a heteronormative society can have devastating effects. I have had close friends attempt to unalive themselves for being gay and being unable to resolve the conflict between being gay and being "bad." The first time I wore a dress in public was to our church's "Fall Festival", which was their way of celebrating Halloween. Wearing the wig and dress, carrying a coach purse, all of which were my moms, made me feel so empowered and sexy. My attempt at rebelling revealed a desire to feel that way again.

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Unable to grow a beard, I did the next manliest thing I could think of, joining the military. I was able to live and travel all over the world and experience things I never would have been able to otherwise. However, despite meeting some of the closest (and most diverse) friends in my life, there was a certain community that was lacking in representation. "Don't ask, don't tell" had already been repealed when I joined, but as anyone who has survived radical social changes knows (I'm looking at you, Stonewall Riots), these changes aren't immediate, and people's perceptions don't flip with the changing of the rules. During my 8 years of service, I only ever came out as bisexual to one friend, towards the end of my service. I have always been worried about the response from my peers and supervisors if I were to come out to them. The "jokes" that guys in the military make towards one another can be... brutal, and I wasn't prepared to invite that kind of attention onto myself. Especially considering I am still on my journey to discover what being bisexual means and looks like for myself.

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As I begin a new chapter in my life, I'm eager to further explore my new found sense of self. I have gone from having conflicting feelings about "right" and "wrong" because of my sexuality, to trying to run from what I saw as my feminine side and be hypermasculine, to finding love and acceptance from a partner who encouraged me to explore my feelings instead of hiding or repressing them.

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I was raised to believe men are strong, women are smart. As a man, it was my social obligation to use that strength to protect those that can't protect themselves; to make others feel safe; to do the literal and metaphorical "heavy lifting", always. As I struggled to understand why I enjoy wearing makeup or dressing in drag, and what that means in terms of masculinity and femininity, as well as gender roles and identity, an issue arose in me. All through my childhood, I believed I would grow a beautiful, luscious beard when I went through puberty, since that is what all the media and doctors told me. Now 31, I'm still waiting for this patchy mess to fill out. From puberty until now, I have desperately wished for a beard for the simple fact that I wanted to feel more manly and masculine.

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I credit my ability to open up and "come out" to even one friend, to my former partner and spouse. It was through her acceptance and support that offered me a space to feel safe enough to begin opening and exploring this box I had to shove half of my sexuality into for most of my life. After being married for 5 incredible years, we realized that it wasn't only my sexual journey that was blooming. Having been able to offer my partner a place where she could equally feel safe enough to explore her own feelings and emotions surrounding sex and sexuality, she realized she is asexual. Though the heartbreak of going through a separation can be vast, I find there is something beautiful about each of us being able to discover deeper and more intimate parts of ourselves together. Because of this, I will always consider that marriage as having achieved my erotic.