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What is Emotional Intelligence and How Can You Develop it? (Goleman's 5 Component Model)

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What Are The Five Components Of Emotional Intelligence?

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"My 3-year-old doesn't seem very empathetic. Does this mean something is wrong?"
"Someone told me that kids can't 'do' empathy until age 9. Is that true?"
These are examples of the types of questions parents often send us. There is good reason for confusion around the topic of empathy. While it is clear that empathy is important for the development of healthy social relationships and character traits like caring and kindness, it isn't necessarily something that your child "has" or "doesn't have" by a certain age. There isn't a clear set of checkboxes you can mark or a definitive test you can take to make sure your child is on track to develop empathy.

Indeed, observing a preschooler closely-especially with an eye out for more "grown-up" versions of empathetic responses-can be a bit disconcerting. Of course, there are times when empathy can show up in unmistakable ways. Just last week, I was touched when my son's preschool teacher emailed me a picture of him offering a hug to a little girl in his class who was having a hard time. "There it is!" I thought proudly. "Empathy!" This warm glow cooled significantly just a few hours later when this same little angel watched his brother topple head over heels on the sidewalk. When we pointed out that the giant tears streaming down his brother's face told us his baby brother was sad and scared, my older child responded by running in circles with his hands over his ears chanting, "That's funny!" over and over again.

If, however, you can get past your own parental horror and look closer, it is clear that in both instances my older son had an emotional response to another person's distress. The roots of empathy start there. Knowing how to handle those big feelings and translate them into behaviors that can truly serve another person is a far more complex task, one that requires both maturation and practice.

Empathy means that a child:

Understands that she is a distinct person from those around her and that other people may have different feelings and perspective than her own.

Can recognize feelings in herself and others and name them.

Can regulate her own emotional responses.

Can put herself in someone else's shoes and imagine how someone might feel.

Can imagine what kind of action or response might help a person feel better.

That's a lot of work. Empathy is a work-in-progress throughout childhood and adolescence and is shaped by a range of factors including genetics, temperament, context, and environment. Empathy does not, however, simply unfold automatically in children. While we are born hardwired with the capacity for empathy, its development requires experience and practice.
Emotional Foundations
Empathy is both an emotional and cognitive experience. The emotional components of empathy are the first to emerge. Babies begin reflecting the emotional states and expressions of those around them right away. Thanks to mirror neurons, infants as young as 18 hours old often show some responsiveness to other infants in distress. We don't teach babies how to do this; they are born hardwired to map the experiences of others in their brains and bodies.

Early emotional experiences between babies and their caregivers are crucial to the development of empathy. As caregivers nurture and care for infants, babies make crucial associations between positive human interactions, reward systems, and feelings of calm and safety. Children who feel safe, secure, and loved are eventually more sensitive to others' emotional needs. Psychologists call this connection between caregivers and babies " attachment " and research shows that quality of attachment is a predictor of empathy and compassion later in life.
Feeling and Thinking
As children get older, the cognitive components of empathy begin to emerge and complement the emotional templates they formed during the first years of life. By the preschool years, children become more aware that other people have separate bodies, feelings, and experiences. They develop what is called a "theory of mind," which enables them to engage in early "perspective taking," a precursor to being able to stand in someone else's shoes and care about what that feels like. The distinction between self and other matures quickly throughout early childhood. For example, if a one-year-old sees that a friend is upset he may go get his own mother to comfort him. A two-and-a-half-year-old in the same situation may get his friend's mother because he now understands that his friend would want his own parent in a time of distress. Of course, these interactions are still in the very early stages of development and are limited to situations that toddlers have experienced themselves, guided by responses modeled by adults who care for them.

Cognitive components of empathy really come into their own by six or seven, when a child is more capable of taking another person's perspective and offering solutions or help when they notice someone in distress. As children's executive function skills mature and they become more capable of managing their own distress, they gain the "cognitive space" they need to connect with another person's experience without feeling totally overwhelmed themselves. All of this practice is a foundation for the complex ethical and moral issues that young people begin to take on like bullying, inequality, or racism.
"Empathy is caught, not taught."
Of course, these skills and behaviors unfold differently for different children and depend upon context as well. A tentative preschooler who feels safe and secure halfway through the school year may be well poised to be an empathetic friend. The first day of school? Maybe not so much. But all of these moments are opportunities to create the conditions for empathy and plant seeds we hope will grow. We can't sit our children down for formal lessons in empathy. Instead, empathetic responses emerge over time in the context of caring relationships, modeling, storytelling, communication, playing, emotion coaching, and a whole lot of patience. As Mary Gordon, the founder of Roots of Empathy, reminds us, "Empathy is caught, not taught."
See our previous posts for tips on nurturing empathy throughout early childhood and into adolescence.

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"My 3-year-old doesn't seem very empathetic. Does this mean something is wrong?" "Someone told me that kids can't 'do' empathy until age 9. Is that true?" These are examples of the types of questions parents often send us. There is good reason for confusion around the topic of empathy.

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As teachers, we sometimes make the assumption that students come to us "ready to learn." Although we'd hope students would be able to easily follow classroom procedures and routines from the get-go, that's not always the case. Student behavior can-and often does-get in the way. In a survey, 70% of educators reported that student behavior has gotten increasingly worse over the last five years. Valuable learning time is lost, whether it's getting students to pay attention or managing disruptive behavior.

So, what can we do about it? To start with, we can't continue to assume that students enter our classrooms with the emotional skills to follow classroom expectations, interact cooperatively with classmates, and engage in meaningful learning. Emotions drive behavior, so we have to start with the basics of emotions to help students with their own regulation. Do your students know how to identify what they're feeling? Can they explain what made them feel that way? The KidConnect Ready2Learn SEL Curriculum from The Connection Model provides a roadmap to help your students develop these fundamental skills while seamlessly integrating with your curriculum.

Teaching emotional regulation skills might just be the missing piece to your classroom puzzle. So, what is emotional regulation and how can we teach it?

What is emotional regulation?

Emotional regulation is the ability to manage your emotions by monitoring, evaluating, and modifying your emotional reactions (aka your behavior) in ways that are constructive and adaptive.

This particular definition underscores the reality we face. We all have emotions, but the most important skill is how we learn to manage them. While managing emotions is not a skill that comes naturally to all of us, we can all learn it.

Emotional regulation can look like the ability to:

Identify what you're feeling

Respond to feelings without overreacting

Manage changes in the environment

Control impulses

Calm down when getting upset

Handle emotions in a healthy way

How do we regulate emotions?

Psychologists break emotional regulation into three broad categories: suppression, reappraisal, and acceptance. When you suppress emotions, you push them down, refusing to acknowledge or act on them. This can be helpful in the short term, but it doesn't actually help you deal with the emotion. It's all still there under the surface, waiting to bubble up again.

Reappraisal is about reframing the situation in your mind, allowing you to deal with it calmly and rationally. We can teach kids reappraisal skills in a variety of ways, such as using mindfulness techniques. We can also urge them to simply accept their emotions, acknowledging them as valid but not letting them control their actions.

As adults, we know these skills don't come easily, but that's all the more reason to focus on teaching them. "For kids, dysregulation makes life challenging, friendships difficult, and most significantly, it can make learning impossible," warns Lori Jackson, a school psychologist who co-founded The Connections Model. "To curb that, we need to teach emotional regulation so kids can realize that they're in control of their feelings and subsequent actions."

Why is it important to teach emotional regulation?

Kids will have a much harder time learning until they can manage their emotions. Developing emotional regulation is as important as developing academic skills. In fact, children who can regulate their emotions are more likely to do well in school and get along with peers. This makes sense since, at the core, emotion drives behavior.

Good emotional regulation can help kids:

Express themselves in ways that don't involve losing their temper

Pay attention and listen to learn

Control their impulses

Maintain focus on a task

Take turns

Socialize appropriately

Reflect on choices and consequences

Bounce back from setbacks

Stop themselves from getting overwhelmed

Manage being upset

Feel calm and in control

What's the best way to teach emotional regulation?

We talked with Lori Jackson, school psychologist and co-founder of The Connections Model. Here's a summary of her recommendations: We have to teach students the basics of emotions to lay the foundation for the development of higher-level skills like empathy and interactive social skills. These skills are what will allow our students to succeed in the classroom by building their own emotional management and driving their own learning. The good news is that every student is capable of learning these skills and it can start in a simple way. For guided lessons and curriculum using this model, check out the The KidConnect Ready2Learn SEL Curriculum for grades 1-5.

Try this framework:

Teach students to name and be able to identify typical emotions.

Teach them to connect the emotions with the events that "trigger" or elicit their reactions.

Teach them to "replace" or change the behavior that comes from the emotions by learning new strategies and simple mindfulness techniques.

Is emotional regulation SEL?

Emotional regulation falls under the umbrella of SEL (social-emotional skills). SEL skills include self-management, self-awareness, social awareness, relationship skills, and responsible decision-making.

We like to think of the skills that build emotional regulation as the foundation of SEL. Without the ability to regulate our emotions, we have a harder time regulating ourselves. And since emotions drive our behavior, we have a hard time responding appropriately to social situations and building relationships. So, the first step in regulating emotions is learning how.

Read more: What Is SEL?

Ideas for practicing emotional regulation in the classroom

Now knowing how important emotional regulation is, what are some ways to teach students this essential skill in the classroom?

1. Learn to identify emotions

Teaching students to identify their emotions is at the forefront of the KidConnect Ready2Learn Curriculum. In teaching students emotional regulation, the first step of their curriculum across all grade levels includes learning to name specific emotions. Lori Jackson, a school psychologist, and Steve Peck, a special education teacher, developed the KidConnect Ready2Learn curriculum, which explicitly teaches children to manage their emotions. "We noticed that so many of our students were having issues learning, socializing, and succeeding because they lacked the skills needed to manage their emotions. So we developed a process that was both easy to teach and easy to learn and teaches the underlying principles but then allows kids to apply and practice those skills in the classroom and everywhere they go."

Talk to students about different emotions and how those emotions can cause us to act. For instance, many kids will realize that they cry when they're sad. But not everyone cries under those circumstances-some people get very quiet or even show anger instead. Start with simple emotions, and ask students to name situations where they might feel those emotions. Then, ask them how they behave when they feel a certain way.

2. Think about emotions in advance

Begin the school day by asking your students a question to find out how they are feeling or what might be bothering them. Writing the question on the whiteboard and having students write their answers on sticky notes is an easy way to implement it into your routine. "Ask your students about their homework or what they ate for breakfast. Ask if anyone fought with their brother or sister," suggests Jackson. "The idea is to discuss any event that likely elicited a feeling and have everyone share. This sets the tone for the day, giving you the heads up on who might have a tough day and why."

3. Use books to teach emotions

Stories can be great examples of handling emotions in a responsible way. They can serve as safe and inviting ways to start the conversation about the range of feelings we have and how to handle each. By reading and talking through how the characters' emotions connect with their actions, students can start to talk through how emotions drive behaviors. Check out these children's books for teaching SEL skills.

4. Make sure emotions are a focus in your classroom

Build your students' emotion vocabulary by giving them direct access to those words and feelings. Try creating a word wall filled with feelings words. Then, when kids are demonstrating certain behaviors, ask them to look at the wall and choose the words to describe how they're feeling. This helps them connect those actions and emotions and consider what coping strategies they can try.

5. Integrate emotions into your academics and activities

One of the easiest ways to integrate the teaching of emotions is to make it a part of your daily schedule and routine. When you go through your daily schedule with your students, ask them to tell you the emotions they think they will feel. Does math make them anxious? Bored? Tired? Will recess make them nervous because they don't always have someone to hang out with? Spending a few minutes anticipating what emotions might emerge allows you to help your students think about how they will manage those emotions. What strategies can they come up with to manage their emotions? Write them down so that you can remind them to use those strategies in the moment. This process isn't magic, but over time this activity helps to build the emotional regulation process, allowing them to become better able to focus on their learning.

6. Act it out

Role-play how to handle different situations, especially those that your students struggle with. Write each scenario on a note card. For example: You get invited to a birthday party. You slip and fall while walking home from school. You open a birthday present you don't like. Then, have students talk them through or act them out. How would they feel? What would they do? How does their feeling connect with their behavior?

7. Teach mindfulness strategies

According to Mindful.org, mindfulness is "the basic human ability to be fully present, aware of where we are and what we're doing, and not overly reactive or overwhelmed by what's going on around us." There are dozens of mindfulness strategies, from meditation and deep breathing to journaling and drawing. As kids learn a strategy that's useful to them, they can add it to their own emotional regulation toolkit. Explore 50+ mindfulness activities here.

8. Create a calm-down corner

Set aside a dedicated, positive reflection space in your classroom where kids can go to practice their emotional regulation skills. A calm-down corner, sometimes known as a peace corner, gives kids a positive, safe place to recenter and refocus so they can join the learning again. You can stock it with helpful tools like emotion charts, fidget toys, social-emotional books, and more. Learn how to create your own calm-down corner here.

9. Watch a video

Share this helpful video that explains big emotions to kids. It can help reinforce the topic using a different medium while providing three simple steps to get students thinking about their own emotional regulation.

10. Focus on progress, not perfection

Emotional regulation isn't about being perfect-it's not about responding to every change and frustration without emotion. No adult is even expected to do that. It is about learning and practicing all the ways kids can respond to emotions, and adjusting as they grow and learn over time.

Why do some kids struggle with emotional regulation?

We all struggle with emotional regulation at some point (anyone who has sat in a meeting that went on 10 minutes too long can relate), but how much we struggle with emotional regulation depends both on temperament and learned behavior. A child's temperament is innate. Even as babies, some children have more trouble self-soothing. Other kids seem to be able to manage any emotion with no problem. How adults respond to kids' big reactions impacts the behaviors that children use to manage their emotions, for good and bad. For example, if a child has a temper tantrum because it's time to leave the park, and the adult gives in and lets them have 10 more minutes to play, the chance that the child will scream and kick the next time they are given a limit and feel unhappy is pretty high. Whereas, if the adult sets the limit and coaches the child through their unhappiness, the child learns how to manage disappointment without throwing a tantrum.

Additionally, many kids with disabilities, like ADHD and autism, have deficits in emotional regulation. So, in order for them to learn, they need to manage their emotions first.

But the good news is that everyone can learn emotional regulation. With practice and the right methods, everyone can learn to be their own emotional manager. Not only will that help your students become better learners and happier people, but you'll have a more engaged classroom overall!

Check out KidConnect Ready2Learn Curriculum to get the tools you need to help learners identify, understand, and manage their emotions, which allows them to be in control of their behavior and engaged in learning.

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What Is Emotional Regulation? Plus Tips for Teaching It

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Controlling your emotions is a skill that takes a lot of practice. Get teacher-tested ideas for helping students learn emotional regulation.

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How to Be More Likeable!  Improve your Likeability (LikeQ)

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Q. How long is the EQ/Emotional Intelligence test?

A. The test consists of 55 questions and takes about 5-10 minutes to complete.

Q. What will my EQ test results look like?

A. Your results show your scores on the five dimensions of emotional intelligence.

Q. How can I access my EQ test results?

A. After you take a test, you will have the option to create an account by entering your email address. If you create an account, you can view your test results at any time by returning to Truity.com and logging into your account. We do not email your results to you.

Q. Do I need to complete this emotional intelligence test all at once?

A. If you've created an account and are logged in when you take the test, your responses will be saved as you go through the test. If you do not log in to a Truity account before starting the test, your progress will not be saved and you will need to complete the test all at once.

Q. Is this personality test really free?

A. You do not need to purchase or register to take this test or view your results.

Q. Is this EQ test accurate?

A. This test has been researched extensively to ensure it is valid and reliable. It is based on psychological research into the dimensions of emotional intelligence and Truity's original analysis of data from hundreds of thousands of site users. Your scores show you how you compare to the other people in a large, international sample for each of the dimensions of emotional intelligence.

Q. Are you going to sell my data?

A. . We do not sell your email or other data to any third parties, and we have a zero-spam policy. We carefully comply with applicable privacy laws in handling your personal information. You can read more in our privacy policy.

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This free EQ quiz measures your emotional intelligence in five key areas so you can understand how well you manage your own emotions, communicate your experiences, and relate to others.

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We probably all know people, either at work or in our personal lives, who are really good listeners. No matter what kind of situation we're in, they always seem to know just what to say - and how to say it - so that we're not offended or upset. They're caring and considerate, and even if we don't find a solution to our problem, we usually leave feeling more hopeful and optimistic.

Read on to learn more about Emotional Intelligence.

See the transcript of this video below.
Video Transcript
When you think about an effective leader, what characteristics come to mind? Chances are, you picture someone who listens to their team. They stay cool under pressure, know when to trust their intuition, and they never let their emotions get the best of them. People like this have a high degree of emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence - or EI - is the ability to recognize your emotions, understand them, and see how they affect those around you. Having high emotional intelligence also means you understand other people's emotions. This allows you to manage your relationships better, and avoid potential conflicts. There are five elements that define emotional intelligence.

The first is self-awareness. When you're self-aware, you know how you're feeling all of the time, and you understand how those feelings are affecting the people around you.

The second characteristic is self-regulation. This is the ability to control your emotions and actions. You can develop self-regulation by living your values, and by holding yourself accountable when you make a mistake.

The next element of emotional intelligence is motivation. Highly motivated people put off short-term rewards for long-term success.

The fourth element is empathy. This is when you have the ability to identify with other people, and understand their wants, needs and viewpoints.

Finally, having good social skills is also critically important. This helps you work positively with other people, and manage conflict effectively.

Having high emotional intelligence is crucial in today's workplace. If you can build and maintain strong relationships, then you can work happily and productively with the people around you. It's also one of the key attributes of being an effective leader.

We probably also know people who are masters at managing their emotions. They don't get angry in stressful situations. Instead, they have the ability to look at a problem and calmly find a solution. They're excellent decision makers, and they know when to trust their intuition. Regardless of their strengths, however, they're usually willing to look at themselves honestly. They take criticism well, and they know when to use it to improve their performance.

People like this have a high degree of emotional intelligence. They know themselves very well, and they're also able to sense the emotional needs of others.

Would you like to be more like this?

As more and more people accept that emotional intelligence is just as important to professional success as technical ability, organizations are increasingly using it when they hire and promote.

For example, one large cosmetics company recently revised their hiring process for salespeople to choose candidates based on their emotional intelligence. The result? People hired with the new system have sold, on average, $91,000 more than salespeople selected under the old system. There has also been significantly lower staff turnover among the group chosen for their emotional intelligence.

So, what exactly is emotional intelligence, and what can you do to improve yours?

What Is Emotional Intelligence?

We all have different personalities, different wants and needs, and different ways of showing our emotions. Navigating through this all takes tact and cleverness - especially if we hope to succeed in life. This is where emotional intelligence becomes important.

Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize your emotions, understand what they're telling you, and realize how your emotions affect people around you. It also involves your perception of others: when you understand how they feel, this allows you to manage relationships more effectively.

People with high emotional intelligence are usually successful in most things they do. Why? Because they're the ones that others want on their team. When people with high emotional intelligence send an email, it gets answered. When they need help, they get it. Because they make others feel good, they go through life much more easily than people who are easily angered or upset.

Characteristics of Emotional Intelligence

In his book titled "Emotional Intelligence - Why It Can Matter More Than IQ" 1995, Daniel Goleman, an American psychologist, developed a framework of five elements that define emotional intelligence:

1. Self-Awareness - People with high emotional intelligence are usually very self-aware. They understand their emotions, and because of this, they don't let their feelings rule them. They're confident - because they trust their intuition and don't let their emotions get out of control.

They're also willing to take an honest look at themselves. They know their strengths and weaknesses, and they work on these areas so they can perform better. Many people believe that this self-awareness is the most important part of emotional intelligence.

2. Self-Regulation - This is the ability to control emotions and impulses. People who self-regulate typically don't allow themselves to become too angry or jealous, and they don't make impulsive, careless decisions. They think before they act. Characteristics of self-regulation are thoughtfulness, comfort with change, integrity, and the ability to say no.

3. Motivation - People with a high degree of emotional intelligence are usually motivated. They're willing to defer immediate results for long-term success. They're highly productive, love a challenge, and are very effective in whatever they do.

4. Empathy - This is perhaps the second-most important element of emotional intelligence. Empathy is the ability to identify with and understand the wants, needs, and viewpoints of those around you. People with empathy are good at recognizing the feelings of others, even when those feelings may not be obvious. As a result, empathetic people are usually excellent at managing relationships, listening, and relating to others. They avoid stereotyping and judging too quickly, and they live their lives in a very open, honest way.

5. Social Skills - It's usually easy to talk to and like people with good social skills, another sign of high emotional intelligence. Those with strong social skills are typically team players. Rather than focus on their own success first, they help others develop and shine. They can manage disputes, are excellent communicators, and are masters at building and maintaining relationships.

As you've probably determined, emotional intelligence can be a key to success in your life - especially in your career. The ability to manage people and relationships is very important in all leaders, so developing and using your emotional intelligence can be a good way to show others the leader inside of you.

How to Improve Your Emotional Intelligence

The good news is that emotional intelligence can be learned and developed. As well as working on your skills in the five areas above, use these strategies:

Observe how you react to people. Do you rush to judgment before you know all of the facts? Do you stereotype? Look honestly at how you think and interact with other people. Try to put yourself in their place, and be more open and accepting of their perspectives and needs.

Look at your work environment. Do you seek attention for your accomplishments? Humility can be a wonderful quality, and it doesn't mean that you're shy or lack self-confidence. When you practice humility, you say that you know what you did, and you can be quietly confident about it. Give others a chance to shine - put the focus on them, and don't worry too much about getting praise for yourself.

Do a self-evaluation. Try out our emotional intelligence quiz. What are your weaknesses? Are you willing to accept that you're not perfect and that you could work on some areas to make yourself a better person? Have the courage to look at yourself honestly - it can change your life.

Examine how you react to stressful situations. Do you become upset every time there's a delay or something doesn't happen the way you want? Do you blame others or become angry at them, even when it's not their fault? The ability to stay calm and in control in difficult situations is highly valued - in the business world and outside it. Keep your emotions under control when things go wrong.

Take responsibility for your actions. If you hurt someone's feelings, apologize directly - don't ignore what you did or avoid the person. People are usually more willing to forgive and forget if you make an honest attempt to make things right.

Examine how your actions will affect others - before you take those actions. If your decision will impact others, put yourself in their place. How will they feel if you do this? Would you want that experience? If you must take the action, how can you help others deal with the effects?

See our article on Emotional Intelligence in Leadership for specific tips related to a leadership role.

Key Points

Although "regular" intelligence is important to success in life, emotional intelligence is key to relating well to others and achieving your goals. Many people believe that it is at least as important as regular intelligence, and many companies now use emotional intelligence testing to hire new staff.

Emotional intelligence is an awareness of your actions and feelings - and how they affect those around you. It also means that you value others, listen to their wants and needs, and are able to empathize or identify with them on many different levels.

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Emotional Intelligence: Developing Strong "People Skills"

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We probably all know people, either at work or in our personal lives, who are really good listeners. No matter what kind of situation we're in, they always seem to know just what to say - and how to say it - so that we're not offended or upset.

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Building Social Skills: Effective Communication Skills For Kids | TODAY Originals