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What kind of exercise do lazy people do

Diddly-squats

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im so good at sleeping i could do it with my eyes closed

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im so good at sleeping i could do it with my eyes closed

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Parallel lines have so much in common.
It's a shame they'll never meet.

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what did the makeup artist say the the client? No brushing away the fake

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What do you call a chubby psychic?
A four chin teller.

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I can't tell if it's my dark humor or if I'm just a bad person

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What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!

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Did you hear about the boy who tried to catch fog?
He mist.

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Why did the turkey refuse dessert?... He was stuffed!

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Mom: How was your english test honey?
Son: Well, one question was pretty tough. It wanted the past tense of "think"
Mom: And what was your answer?
Son: Well, I thought and I thought but I ended up writing "thinked."

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Why did Santa go to college for music?
So he could improve his wrapping skills.

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Two girls where driving to Disneyland. The sign said "Disneyland left." So they started crying and went home

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The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

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how many tickles does it take to make a octopus laugh. (Ten tickles)

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how many tickles does it take to make a octopus laugh. (Ten tickles)

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Two blondes were driving to Disney Land the sign said "Disneyland left" so they started crying and headed home.

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"Doctor there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible" "Well, tell him I can't see him right now"

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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but i've been tripping all day

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Did you hear about the  guy who jumped off the cliff? Yea, me neither.

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Did you hear about the bakery that burnt down?

The owner’s business is toast.

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I swallowed some food coloring and the docter said I was fine, but I still felt like i was dying on the inside.

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I swallowed some food coloring and the docter said I was fine, but I still felt like i was dying on the inside.

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-Soha khan

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Someone stole my toilet and the police have nothing to go on.

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What's the best thing about Switzerland ? I don't know, but their flag is a big plus.

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What did the little pony say when he couldn't sing? Sorry, I'm a little hoarse! (hoarse? horse? pony??)

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Q: How did the peanut die?
A: He was a-SALT-ed.

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Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock knock joke? He won the no-bell prize