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As psychiatry has been my ambition ever since I was 11, articles like this always interest me. In this article, they discussed the hardships experienced by a person with borderline personality disorder(BPD) and let readers in on a sneak peek of living with BPD. Out of all the articles I’ve read, this is still one of my favourite as they had interviewed a real BPD patient, hence its content is as its title suggests; emotionally raw. Borderline Personality Disorder, despite being first discovered sometime during the middle of the 20th century, still remains as a rather misunderstood mental illness, causing its patients to be misdiagnosed very often, just like Beth McMullen(the interviewee) had been. Ms McMullen also went on to share her experiences of being correctly diagnosed, treated and how she has been coping with it ever since her diagnosis. For being brave enough to share and speak about such a dark and personal topic, I really respect Ms McMullen.

In a world where the youth tend to romanticise things like depression and suicide and the older generations simply scoff at mental illnesses, I believe articles like this can be very eye opening for a lot of people. Mental illnesses are not ‘cool’, ‘unique’ or ‘just your imagination’, however they are very real and are ruining millions of lives out there. This is why articles like this are so important as it also highlights the seriousness of mental illnesses like BPD. I hope that in the near future, people are more well-informed and understanding when it comes to issues like these.

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Updated October 14, 2015 09:35:12

For most of her 30 years, Beth McMullen has lived amidst a hectic swirl of emotional turmoil.

As a woman living with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Ms McMullen's life has involved riding a rollercoaster of emotions - a struggle that ebbs and flows even to this day.

People with BPD often struggle with aspects of their life in an extreme way.

They tend to have issues relating to others, managing their emotions, dealing with distress in their life, and have a poor sense of self.

Chris Willcox, associate professor of psychology at the Centre for Psychotherapy in Newcastle, NSW, has worked in mental health for 25 years.

They will quite often go on to self harm as a way of regulating that emotion.

Chris Willcox, associate professor of psychology

He said it was common for people with BPD to be more emotionally sensitive, and to have grown up in an 'invalidating' environment.

"Really it's a combination of nature and nurture," Prof Willcox said.

"If you have someone growing up in a world where their experience isn't being validated for various reasons, they'll grow up not learning how to regulate their emotions.

"Often when events occur in their lives, they have a very strong emotional response to what's going on. In that moment of emotional deregulation, they will quite often go on to self harm as a way of regulating that emotion."

To be diagnosed, people have to meet at least five of nine criteria.

About 1 to 2 per cent of the population has the illness, and about 10 per cent of patients will suicide if left untreated.

A glimpse into life with BPD

Ms McMullen was initially diagnosed with a range of mental illnesses, including depression, anxiety and bipolar.

"Every day was just this huge emotional rollercoaster. I would experience rejection really viscerally. I would take things really personally, not in an egotistical way, but in a self-damning way," she said.

"I got around hating myself, and needed to put on this face to the rest of the world that I was competent, capable and confident, but really underneath, I would be feeling that I didn't belong, and feeling that there was something deeply, fundamentally wrong with who I am.

"I thought that I was broken. I was convinced that I was defunct."

Ms McMullen experienced intense emotions, and would dive head-first into relationships.

I've looked at death in the eyes many times and decided not to go there.

She struggled with the torment.

People would re-assure her that it was 'normal' to feel insecure or to have ups and downs in relationships.

It was suffocating, frightening and debilitating.

"Even though people were being kind in saying those things ... what it actually ended up doing in this really counter-intuitive way was sort of invalidate my intense experience," she said.

"By someone saying to me, 'This is normal; everyone has this', the next thought that came in my mind was, 'Well why the hell am I struggling so much?'"

Diagnosis turns on the light

Three-and-a-half years ago, Ms McMullen was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

After suffering through a major low, she vividly remembers the day she sought help at Newcastle's Mater Hospital.

"It was as though this sense of calm and ultimate, radical acceptance had come over me," she said.

"When you get given a diagnosis, it's sort a double-edged sword in that you can look at it as though it's a label and there's something wrong with me, or you can look at it as a beacon of hope in that maybe you'll be getting the right treatment."

Despite the diagnostic process being confusing and stressful, Ms McMullen said it was affirming when the psychologist asked her questions about her symptoms.

"It was like I'd been spending my years in a darkened room bumping into things, and once he identified that this was perhaps the specific struggle I was having, it was like the lights came on," she said.

"For the first time, I really felt like I could see my way through the obstacles, and that there was a clear path of treatment ahead of me."

But her journey began feeling harder and harder as it went along.

Ms McMullen didn't regularly self harm before her diagnosis, but the behaviour increased afterwards.

She thinks it was because of increased self-examination and the subsequent emotions she experienced.

Treatment: Like having layers of emotional 'skin' ripped off

Ms McMullen initially embraced the idea of treatment.

In early December 2011 she was accepted to the Centre for Psychotherapy, and began treatment on Valentine's Day 2012.

For the next year, treatment involved twice-weekly appointments - one with a group and one individual session.

Treatment was centred on the Dialectical Behavioural Therapymodel, which focuses on the principles of mindfulness, emotional regulation (learning how to keep emotions in check), distress tolerance (how to stop yourself from resorting to destructive behaviour), and inter-personal effectiveness.

[Treatment] was such a hard slog. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and I still live with this stuff every day.

"It's so full-on. You're essentially re-training your brain to learn how to deal in the world," Ms McMullen said.

Each module lasted eight weeks, and was then repeated.

Ms McMullen likens living with BPD to having layers of your emotional 'skin' ripped off.

"You're always going around a little bit raw. When you bump into things, your pain ... is a little bit higher than everybody else's," she said.

"Therapy is the perfect place to bump into a lot of things that remind you of just how much you struggle.

"It was such a hard slog. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and I still live with this stuff every day.

"I'm definitely not there yet; I don't know if I ever will be."

Coping with the illness

While it has now been more than three years since her diagnosis, Ms McMullen still battles the illness every day.

She has a stable network of family and friends to support her, and a boyfriend she said was her 'guiding light'.

Thanks to treatment, Ms McMullen has developed a stringent exercise regime. She focuses on her breathing and being in the moment when her emotions peak, and plans positive events to look forward to.

"It sounds so simple and commonsensical and almost menial, but this is the type of stuff that you need to learn how to do in order to help give you perspective," she said.

I connect with people in a way that I feel other people might not, because the connections I make are so deep and so real, partly because I need them to be.

But Ms McMullen is still working to improve her self-validation skills.

"I still need to check with people that I have the right to feel the way I do," she said.

"I would love to get to the point where I didn't need to ask for that, and I could just do it myself."

Ms McMullen said her illness was not who she is, but rather a part of her that dictated a large amount of the way she is.

"I feel things like other people never will, and that's a great thing. Not only do I really experience my sadness, I really experience my joy," she said.

"I connect with people in a way that I feel other people might not, because the connections I make are so deep and so real, partly because I need them to be ... but [also] because I'm sharing that raw emotional skin with the close people in my life.

"I have to be really happy with that."

With a burgeoning ambition to be an actress in the future, Ms McMullen said she found solace in her ability to empathise with others.

"Now I feel like I've been through the darkest. I've looked at death in the eyes many times and decided not to go there," she said.

"Anyone else's darkness doesn't scare me.

"Even though sometimes I get down at the state of the world, if someone were to come to me and show vulnerability, I would like to say that I completely embrace and accept people for the way they are in that moment.

"That's a privilege that may not have been rewarded to me had I not been through what I've been through."
Beth McMullen has worked at ABC Newcastle and currently works at Triple J. If you or someone you know needs assistance, call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or Beyond Blue on 1300 224 636.
Topics: mental-health, newcastle-2300

First posted October 09, 2015 08:52:44

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Woman's battle with Borderline Personality Disorder

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Updated October 14, 2015 09:35:12 For most of her 30 years, Beth McMullen has lived amidst a hectic swirl of emotional turmoil. As a woman living with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Ms McMullen's life has involved riding a rollercoaster of emotions - a struggle that ebbs and flows even to this day.

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“RATHER THAN SAD DAYS, WE HOPE TO HAVE BETTER DAYS. THAT’S WHAT MAKES US LIVE. THAT’S WHAT MAKES US DREAM.”

-Kim Namjoon.

Seeing this quote was a form of comfort to me. It made me heave a sigh of relief and made the burden on my shoulders a lot less heavy. Just like everyone else, I have bad days, days that seem as though nothing would work out. Days like those, sometimes get to you so much that you feel like whatever it is you’re working towards is not worth the pain you’re going through. That’s when the quote above comes in. It reminded me that sad days, or tough times are only temporary and that the real thing that we keep working so hard for, that we want to keep living for are the ‘better days’ that awaits us and gives us hope, like the rainbow after the rain.

During those sad days, no matter how hard they may be, no matter what life throws at you, I want you to know that after all, it’s a hard moment or a hard day or a hard week, not a hard life. Those ‘better days’, wherever they may be, I promise they are waiting for you.

So please, promise yourself that you will keep living and keep dreaming.

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It’s almost 2 am as I write this, in the comfort of my bedroom with the air-conditioner on full blast. Two in the morning, a time when most of the people on this side of the world are asleep, is ironically the time my brain functions best. This is my first night home after spending almost two weeks at my college’s varsity lodge. During that period of time I had missed my parents, my pets and the home itself. Makes you think doesn’t it? About how the human mind can form attachments to objects and even feel a strong love for it. Makes you realise that love comes in so many forms, yet people tend to confine it to only romantic love. Maybe it’s just the fact that the varsity lodge has mosquitoes constantly buzzing right next to my ears or how I toss and turn each night due to the hot weather (and lack of air-conditioning). Sadly, as much as I missed my mother, I missed the chance to see her before her flight to London. So here I am waiting for my brother to update us (my family) upon her arrival at Heathrow Airport.

[3rd March 2018]

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Brilliant! Sounds like a plan. Really well-written.

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In five years time, I imagine myself to be opening the doors to my luxurious penthouse, located right at the top of a sky scraper somewhere in the heart of Kuala Lumpur city. I’d make my way to my huge bedroom, immediately being greeted by a 100 million USD Van Gogh painting hanging on the wall above my queen sized bed, complementing the room’s elegant furnishing. After placing the dozens of shopping bags that I had been carrying for half a day, I take off my diamond embellished gold Dior earrings.

That’s when my alarm goes off and I’ll have to wake up from my dream. I won’t realise it at first, laying there on my single bed, questioning the realness of my current surroundings. When it finally hits me, I’ll check the time on my phone, reading 5:03 am. Ah, right, I’m a fifth year medical student, not some rich kid born with a silver spoon in her mouth. Then, I’ll proceed to lay there for another 15 minutes questioning my life decisions before finally starting my day.

In five years time, I’d still be studying while my friends are working. On weekends, I’ll be writing case studies and reports while they go clubbing. I’ll spend my free time catching up on sleep after turning down their offers to hang out.

Yet, in fifteen years time, while they open the doors to their terrace house and face a grumpy mother-in-law, I’ll be coming home to my penthouse and my precious Van Gogh painting.

Patience.